The Importance of Alone Time for Couples - Anxiety Relief!

The Importance of Alone Time for Couples - Anxiety Relief! 
Do couples really need alone time? In this episode of Get Real with The English Sisters we chat about the importance of respecting your partners alone time.  Sometimes in a couple it is difficult to understand your partners need for alone time if you are a person that feels as if they don't need as much alone time or if you are used to always being surrounded by a large family or lots friends. It can also be a sign that you need to work on your own mental health if you find it is difficult to be alone with yourself.

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Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 0:00

Do couples really need alone time?

SPEAKER_02 0:03

Hi from the English sisters.

SPEAKER_01 0:06

And welcome to this episode of Get Real With The English Sisters.

SPEAKER_02 0:12

Hello again.

SPEAKER_01 0:14

Do couples really need alone time?

SPEAKER_02 0:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

Do they? Do they? Well I do. I know in my couple I do. I do. I think my hubby would say he does as well.

SPEAKER_02 0:26

Gosh, your hubby would definitely say that. He really does like his alone time.

SPEAKER_01 0:32

He likes to be in his den.

SPEAKER_02 0:35

Yeah, in his little cave. But do you think that sometimes it can be misinterpreted? I mean, does that how does that make you feel when he goes?

SPEAKER_01 0:44

Well, I remember at the beginning, like when I when the kids were little and he I would notice that he wouldn't like it if I took well no, when they were really tiny, it would go, hello daddy, daddy, daddy, and it's all cute, cute, cute cute, yeah. But when they were older and they would go like to high school and things, I remember he I he would just go off and I would think, oh, he's not even talking. And then I would see he would maybe go off and have uh a drink or something and just relax for a bit. Yeah. And I would think, Why is he going off? You know, doesn't he want to talk to me? And then he explained that he needed to be just to to to unwind a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 1:21

Yeah. Actually, experts say that when men do have time alone, they're actually what they're doing is that they're sort of rebuilding their testosterone levels. Yeah, so back to a healthy level.

SPEAKER_01 1:37

I think I did know about that, so I just sort of let him go.

SPEAKER_02 1:40

Yeah. Without feeling I think you I remember you telling me something about that, but that was a bit more recent.

SPEAKER_01 1:47

But then I remember also our cousin said that he would actually go and hide in the car. Do you remember when his kids were little? He wouldn't actually go home because he couldn't actually handle going home straight away. So he would he would stay in his car and like read in the car for half an hour before going home.

SPEAKER_02 2:03

But then he would feel guilty about it because he even like confessed it to us, which was a bit odd, wasn't it?

SPEAKER_01 2:10

Well, it was many years later, wasn't it?

SPEAKER_02 2:12

Yeah, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 2:14

I can't remember now, it was a long time ago. But I remember thinking, gosh, that's you know, can't you just tell your wife? But I suppose he couldn't tell his wife because she was probably so overwhelmed with the little kids that she was home.

SPEAKER_02 2:26

Yeah, but sometimes it's not about just having babies or little kids, it's just the couple. There are no other people, other children, or or other people, but it's just the person that when you come home, or even if you what about if you are at home, like at the weekend and you just want to be.

SPEAKER_01 2:45

Well, I think when you are at home, you uh you have to like I think you have to understand that you don't have to understand, but I think it makes a relationship probably stronger if you do like understand that people need alone time. But I think it can be hard if you're not that kind of person that if you don't need it.

SPEAKER_02 3:06

Yeah, or if you're somebody that's almost I don't want to say scared, but maybe not used to being alone at all. And that you know, you have to sort of learn to to be used to being alone because a lot of the times it takes a little bit of um getting used to, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_01 3:25

You know, I think if you've grown up in a large family or some and you're always used to being around loads of people, if you've always used having lots of friends and people come over and not exactly grown up or grown up in a big community. I mean I remember from when we were little, I think we I think we're quite introverted because we always wanted to be on our own. On our own, you've just said it so not you did not want to be alone. Alone, I did like some of the time I did because I wanted to read my book loads of times.

SPEAKER_02 3:55

Yeah, you were reading your books for for for hours on air.

SPEAKER_01 3:59

I wasn't alone, I was reading my book. No, but that is alone time.

SPEAKER_02 4:02

No, that's alone time. Yeah, you're doing an activity or watching something on my own, or something on your own. You definitely wanted to be alone a lot of the time. I wouldn't want to be disturbed. No, no, so yeah. You would say I'm going off to read my books, and I would think, gosh, he's always got so many books to read. Did you? Yeah. But then you got me hooked onto them. It was so cute those books you used to read.

SPEAKER_01 4:29

They were cute because you'd go to the library to get them, too.

SPEAKER_02 4:32

Yeah, we would go to the library, it was so cute.

SPEAKER_01 4:35

Still remember the smell of the library.

SPEAKER_02 4:37

And I remember the library card. That little card that when I got it. So lovely. It was it was an experience.

SPEAKER_01 4:45

It was special, wasn't it? It was special. And we had our own library card and you could just go and get any book you wanted. And I used to get anxiety about not returning the books. How can children like lose books in a tiny house? I would always kind of lose a book. And then couldn't find it. And then the anxiety. And your anxiety of thinking, oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 5:05

Thinking like a librarian was going to really tell you off and not let you get any more books.

SPEAKER_01 5:10

I mean, we weren't wealthy, so it was a big problem for us. It's not like now your your parents are what we just say, oh well, never mind.

SPEAKER_02 5:17

Yeah, they may say that, they may not. It certainly does increase the sense of responsibility if you know you have to read the property.

SPEAKER_01 5:24

Responsibility was very much there.

SPEAKER_02 5:26

That's what I mean. The enjoyment of reading the book was great. Yeah, then you had to take such great care because you knew it was not your property, and then it must be returned. So it was like this special thing, and you had like a week or something. How many days did you have? You had to read it.

SPEAKER_01 5:44

I think it was a month, wasn't it?

SPEAKER_02 5:45

A month.

SPEAKER_01 5:46

Well, I can't remember now.

SPEAKER_02 5:48

It was funny though, yeah. But that that was but they say it's libraries. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 5:53

Because of the alone time. Oh yeah. But I think that in a healthy relationship it's important to have alone time, but not too much. Because like some people complain that their partners always want to be on their own and they don't have like they don't do enough together.

SPEAKER_02 6:12

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 6:12

So it's important to have time together and make time for each other.

SPEAKER_02 6:17

Like we do.

SPEAKER_01 6:18

And not neglect the other person. Yeah, I know, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:22

Yeah, because what can happen with alone time, it can be very enjoyable. And you can just say, Yeah, I just like chilling alone, and but you have to also remember that in in a couple there has to be you time, but there also has to be enough, you know, we time, like us time, whatever you want to call it, you know, time together. Together, yeah, where you where you feel that you're doing something together. Something that's enjoyable, I guess, and you know, not just like I don't know, like menial tasks and things like you say, yeah, we do things together, we clean the house together or something.

SPEAKER_01 7:06

Start together. I mean, it is together, it's very bonding if you do that. It's teamwork, isn't it? Yeah, no, it is together, but I mean you have to spend time enough to listen to your partner.

SPEAKER_02 7:16

Quality time, quality time to listen.

SPEAKER_01 7:18

I suppose if you're doing the housework together and listening to each other, switching off.

SPEAKER_02 7:24

Yeah, that's not really that's not what I mean. No, it's not enough, no. For to to have a really strong bond, you need like special time when it's like date nights and things, don't you? Yeah, I think but they normally just happen once a week. So is that enough we time for a couple? No, not not at all.

SPEAKER_01 7:45

No, we have like we created all I respect the fact that my husband wants to have his alone time like when he gets back from work, but then we talk at dinner. And I've come to understand that he doesn't like particularly like being interrupted midway if he's doing something.

SPEAKER_02 8:03

So you just leave him.

SPEAKER_01 8:05

So I leave him and I'll talk about things at dinner. You wait for the Yeah, I won't just start blurting out a conversation about something, unless it's urgent, obviously. Obviously, yeah. But uh just at a random time, like I might do with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, even with you, I respect. If I know you're doing something, I do keep quiet. It's not as if I just blurt things out.

unknown 8:27

No.

SPEAKER_02 8:28

No, no, it it is interesting to notice that you know there are there are so many different ways people feel about being alone, and there's also social stigma around being alone in some cultures, for example. You know, I mean, even in the Western.

SPEAKER_01 8:44

What do you think used to say about us? She used to say we always wanted to be alone and she didn't understand it. She always wanted to do everything with us.

SPEAKER_02 8:51

Well, that's because we have this twin thing going on, even though we're not real twins, we're sisters, but there we we created this like little bond, even like a almost like our own little language, we would talk, and and so there was probably a sense of exclusion there, yeah. She but she was definitely somebody on her own, no. No, I I find that I am very different from uh like mum, and I do really enjoy being alone, but depending on how much time I wouldn't want to be alone for you know, like one day is enough for me, even though actually experts say that all the alone time we actually really need in a day is about 20 to 30 minutes of just like pure alone time. So, yeah, you don't need that much alone time every day.

SPEAKER_01 9:41

But some people do need more than that, I would say.

SPEAKER_02 9:43

I think so. That sounds really, really that sounds ridiculous to me as and for you, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:50

Of course we haven't got the we have we our kids are grown up now, so we don't have all the when when our children were little, we needed that much. We didn't think we needed that much then. Alone time.

SPEAKER_02 10:02

No, no, you'd get like uh I don't know when they were asleep. You'd get barely no alone time. But yeah, I suppose that's true, yeah. Depends on what what's it depends on what stage in your life, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:18

To how much time you can actually have alone, and then I think sometimes you can have too much time alone and become a bit of a loner.

unknown 10:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:25

Without realizing it, and then enjoy it and then neglect your partner.

SPEAKER_02 10:30

Definitely. In a couple you can neglect the partner and just think, Oh, it's okay, I'll go alone. Yeah, like that is so true, yeah. So what what you have to I think what we we all have to understand is that if somebody sort of like uh uh is making an obvious sign, one of the couple, that they don't want to talk or they want to um or they go into another room. I mean that's pretty obvious, and they start doing something else, like go on their computer or something. Yeah, they follow them around and continue talking, and because they're not really understanding that and and it can sound rude as well, can't it, to say I just want to be alone. It's like, whoa, what's what's happened? Have I done something? You know, you could start thinking guilty, yeah, and so making the other person in the couple feeling guilty about this, to the point like what our cousin would have to do, hide in the car and just pretend when they're coming home as well. Some people do, yeah, telling lies, yeah. Well white lies.

SPEAKER_01 11:37

I'm coming back, and I'm just but really they're just they're just sitting somewhere, maybe at work, you know.

SPEAKER_02 11:44

I mean, this might relate to you as well. So I think a healthy suggestion would be to actually tell the person that you're with or say Yeah, look, really honestly, I love you so much. You know, I really enjoy being with you, but biologically I feel that I really need my alone time. And this has nothing to do with you. That sounds bad.

SPEAKER_01 12:09

And no, they believe you.

SPEAKER_02 12:13

They just say, Oh, they just don't like me, don't love me as much as I love you. What would they say here?

SPEAKER_01 12:18

Yeah, I think if you are a person that's used to being like if this relates to you and you are someone that's used to not being alone, always used to be with loads of people, I think you might think, oh I'm unworthy. Yeah, something that's happened, have I done something? You m you may not understand completely why that person needs to be alone.

SPEAKER_02 12:41

I think that the one of the things that you have to understand is to yes, try and just realize that when you are alone, you're alone in your own mind. So that it obviously, if your mind is calm, if it's free from anxiety, if it's not free from anxiety, then it's not nice being alone because your thoughts will invade you, and and maybe that's why a lot of people don't like being alone. They always constantly have to be listening to something or be with somebody, yes.

SPEAKER_01 13:12

Listening to something is being alone, isn't it?

SPEAKER_02 13:14

It is kind of, yeah. Yeah, I I yeah, that is being alone, really, yeah. But if you're not with somebody else. But yeah, I can't remember what I was saying now. I went on to think about somebody we were helping the other day that was never be alone.

SPEAKER_01 13:32

Yeah, I think if you if you can't be alone and it's because you you when you're alone you worry and you're anxious, and then then maybe explain that to your partner as well, and then maybe you can work on that with your partner, with your therapist, and understand why it's so difficult for you to be alone. Sometimes you may have a fear of abandonment or um or extreme anxiety, and there are coping coping techniques you can absolutely you can adopt. You can get help, you can get help, but I think for a lot of people it's not just that, it's just you feel a bit rejected. You might think, oh, I want to go and talk to them.

SPEAKER_02 14:14

I don't like the fact especially if you're away from work or something like that.

SPEAKER_01 14:18

Yeah, why don't they want to talk to me? Nine hours without eight hours of but you have to think that person's been at work, they've been talking to other people, they haven't had time to chill.

SPEAKER_02 14:28

They've been interacting with other people that doesn't that that's not really recharging, is it? That's depleting your energy.

SPEAKER_01 14:38

People that need to be alone, it's very depleting.

SPEAKER_02 14:42

It's very depleting, yeah. For like the introverts, I think you get extremely tired, even though you might enjoy it. Because like I would say, I am an introvert, and I would enjoy talking to somebody.

SPEAKER_01 14:55

Because that's also because you're a little bit extroverted, isn't it? I think most of us are, but not all of us. Some are really introverted and some are like really extroverted.

SPEAKER_02 15:04

Well, whatever the label is. The label is a label. It's just a feeling, yeah. It's just a feeling of thinking, okay, I've really had fun when I'm talking to those, that and that, but now I really want my time alone. And then the more the more time I'm quiet, the more time I feel energized and creative thought processes can come into my mind, and my mind can just wander.

SPEAKER_01 15:27

It's it's I don't have to keep a quiet time when I just don't even have any music or need to just listen to the birds outside.

SPEAKER_02 15:35

Yeah, nothing. Just nothing, just gazing out into the into nothing, into the horizon. Yeah, if it can't.

SPEAKER_01 15:44

While I'm doing things, but just be quiet. Just have nice quiet around me. Yeah, I like that as well. But it that it's not for everyone.

SPEAKER_02 15:54

It's not for everyone.

SPEAKER_01 15:55

But it's important to acknowledge, I think.

SPEAKER_02 15:57

Yeah, and not to be freaked out, not to think oh, that's what they want, that's what she wants, that's what he wants, that's what they want. To understand. You just need to be alone, and if you could just uh give them permission to be alone, say okay, now we you can have this we'll you have like one hour, two hours, and then afterwards maybe we can meet somewhere, even if it's just in the house. Let's meet up. Even if you're just there. Yeah, even if they just got their headphones on because do you know what I mean? But we just have a little chat later. And you're still allowing space, allowing for this alone time.

SPEAKER_01 16:35

Well, I think yes, and I think it can be it can be an under underlying basic need for people to feel as if they need to be alone when they're within a couple, and if that need isn't met, it can even lead to the couple breaking out. Well, fortunate as we've seen as we find.

SPEAKER_02 16:52

Yes, it can, it can definitely lead to it. And it was just it with with the particular client, it was just a question of just saying being able to express the fact that I actually need time alone without feeling guilty. And by trying to uh convey the fact that it's not because I don't like you or love you, it's simply because because this isn't just for really just for couples, it could be also with people that live together, yeah, or friends, you know, students, friends, yeah, for it's practically for anyone.

SPEAKER_01 17:27

Just to respect the space.

SPEAKER_02 17:29

Yes, just say you know, if they go off and they close their door, don't think, oh, they don't like me much.

SPEAKER_01 17:37

Also, I think alone alone time as well, if you've had an argument or something, give that person space to just be alone for a bit. You know, don't always want to barge in and try and say you're and try and fix it immediately.

SPEAKER_02 17:51

That that is a such a common error. Like you've had an argument and then you immediately want it all to be blown over and or you want to help the other person feel better. Sometimes it's just you they really do need to get over the they need a little bit of space, but maybe not too much.

SPEAKER_01 18:12

You don't want to build a wall of science.

SPEAKER_02 18:15

Oh no, no, no. But the wall is not with 30 30 to one hour time. No, no. In in the case of an argument, the actual rage peak, it's like a wave. So it will come, it'll start growing, then it re you know, it rises to the peak, and that usually takes about 20 to 30 minutes, and then there's a decrease. So if you wait for like an hour, you're on the safe side. If you're like 40 minutes, 50 minutes, then okay, then if you want to approach and and say, Okay, I'm sorry. Because sometimes they you won't, you know, the sorry won't be accepted so fast. No, no.

SPEAKER_01 18:56

It's like a different thing, but it's always but it's still about respecting space, isn't it?

SPEAKER_02 19:02

It is, yeah, respecting space in in all aspects of your life, really, whether whoever you're living with.

SPEAKER_01 19:13

Well, what do you think? Do you need alone time? Are you do you feel as if you recharge when you're alone? Do you feel as if you really need to be alone? And maybe you have these issues where your partner or your friends, whoever you're living with, don't feel that and they think that you're weird, or why? Why? Let us know. They get upset. They get upset, yeah. Let us know, and love to hear what your feelings are on this matter.

SPEAKER_02 19:40

And remember that if you do need alone time, it is actually a biological need. Exactly. So you can always hang on to that and say, look, this is uh this is my need as a human. I need this. I recharge.

SPEAKER_01 19:54

Yeah, it's perfectly normal.

SPEAKER_02 19:55

It's normal, it's like eating, drinking, and yeah, it's like a recharging a battery. Exactly, yeah. So it's nothing to be ashamed of. No. It's just really not for your mental health, it's necessary.

SPEAKER_00 20:14

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 20:15

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SPEAKER_01 20:25

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