Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety
Feeling Anxious? Feel calmer and get much needed anxiety relief. Listen to Mind, Health, Anxiety with The English Sisters the podcast show for mental health that will give you the tools you need to manage your life and your anxiety. Anxiety and overwhelm is on the rise today and most of us experience it in some form or other. The English Sisters, Violeta and Jutka Zuggo are clinical hypnotherapists, business women, authors, wives and mother’s of wonderful grown up children! As hosts of their show they chat about real stuff that empowers, excites and inspires well-being! Always looking to share their point of view and expertise on how you can manage your anxiety and mental health so as to enjoy life! Sharing their experiences to help you live a calmer, happier, fuller and more relaxed life. If you are in need of anxiety relief and want to learn how to manage your mental health, follow Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety so as not to miss an episode! New episode weekly every Wednesday!
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Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety
Breaking Free: The Self-Sabotage Trap
Feeling stuck in a cycle of self-defeat? You're not alone. The profound truth is that many of us become our own worst enemies through patterns of self-sabotage that silently undermine our happiness and potential.
The English Sisters, drawing from their experience as therapists, unpack the psychology behind why we repeatedly choose immediate comfort over lasting fulfillment. That pint of ice cream in your freezer? It's not just about willpower – it's about understanding how you're setting yourself up for a pattern of guilt and disappointment. Those fights you pick with your partner over seemingly minor issues? They might be your subconscious way of protecting yourself from vulnerability and potential hurt.
What makes this conversation so powerful is the recognition that self-sabotage stems from deeper roots – often low self-esteem, past trauma, or a fundamental belief that you don't deserve happiness. Many people find comfort in their discomfort because fear and unhappiness become familiar territories. The sisters share practical strategies for breaking these patterns, from conscious consumption choices to healthier communication in relationships.
The most enlightening moment comes when they explain how many relationships end over issues that could easily be resolved if both partners understood the underlying dynamics at play. By becoming aware of our self-sabotaging tendencies – whether in health, relationships, or career – we can begin making different choices that align with our true desires rather than our fears.
Ready to stop getting in your own way? Listen, reflect, and join the conversation about how you might be sabotaging your own happiness. Share your experiences with us on YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts – we truly love hearing from you!
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Are you feeling happy? Are you happy? Are you satisfied in your life? We certainly hope you are. However, if you are detecting that you might be able to have a better life if it wasn't because of something that you repeatedly do all the time, yeah, if it wasn't for your own self-sabotage, as if, if it wasn't for you yourself getting in your own way yes, to put it like that. Well, yes, that exactly is self a bit of a tongue twister. Yes, you, you're, you, you're getting in in your own way. So wouldn't it be lovely not to do that, Not to? So?
Speaker 1:Listen to this week's episode on Get Real with the English Sisters Mind, health and anxiety. We are therapists and we're here to help you, so we hope that after listening, you'll feel a lot better and calmer. Yes, you, so we hope that after listening, you'll feel a lot better and calmer, yes, and that you may become aware of some of your habitual patterns that you do that actually stop you from getting to where you want to go. It's self-sabotage, yeah, just like when you're supposed to be going for that walk and you don't go, and then you feel bad. Yeah, go and eat a tub of ice cream or something, goodness me. Very classical example. You do exactly the opposite of what you know is good for you and you go straight for something that's going to provide immediate comfort without real well you probably. You know, going for that walk is going to provide comfort, but it's a bit seems a bit more out of reach, doesn't? It does seem a bit more of out of reach. Yeah, the.
Speaker 1:The way to avoid behaviors like this is obviously not to have that tub of ice cream in the first place in the freezer or to go and substitute it to get the ice cream exactly. Well then, yes, that's a good idea as well, saying, no, I'll have the ice cream if I, if I actually go and get it at the you know gelateria we're here in italy and we're lucky to have these don't get the ice cream after working for an hour. I actually do that because, with my husband, he always says let's just buy it. You can go to these lovely ice cream after working for an hour. I actually do that because, with my husband, he always says let's just buy it. You can go to these lovely ice cream places where they make the gelato and it's healthy, because it's lovely. But obviously, if you're going to eat gelato every day you're going to put on weight, obviously. So if you want to avoid that, I say to him let's not just have gelato in the freezer. We only get gelato when we actually physically go there and we have it, you know, with the lovely cone and everything, with the whole thing, the whole experience, because for me that's more important than just eating gelato while I'm watching television.
Speaker 1:Well, there's no, never do that. Would you just mind mindlessly eating. No, it'd be a mindful experience. Yes, exactly, but that's what he would probably love to just say all right, let's just have it. But it'd be a way of self-sabotage. No, he would be eating. Then he'd probably say, oh no, I put on quite a lot of weight. You know he'd be moaning and he wouldn't be happy. No, it would be a way of self-sabotaging.
Speaker 1:So you can avoid once you learn and recognize your patterns. It seems so obvious, doesn't it? It seems like why do we have to even say this? Yeah, I know it seems ridiculous, but it's important to say it, because I think a lot of us get overwhelmed and we get caught up in our own repetitive patterns that we think are going to provide comfort. That's why we self sabotage in the first place because we think, you know, we're, we're, we're looking out for ourselves, aren't we? We're thinking, oh, you know, I'll do that. And I was all like, look out for myself, when I fancy some ice cream, I'll have it there, you know, and and a lot. This is a funny example, but it's such a common one. That's why we're talking about it, because you self-sabotage all the same.
Speaker 1:You say I want to eat healthy. And then you, you stock up the pantry with, you know, all sweets and salty snacks. Yeah, not good for you. And you, fine, well know it. So when you're going to buy to get the food you know, stock up on other things that you know if you're tempted, you're going to have a blueberry or something. You know that. That's what I do when I know I might save the snacks and the really treats for the weekend. But I know that I'll be able to follow more or less an 80 to 20 balance. So 80% of the week I'm going to be eating healthy, good foods that nourish you, that nourish me and make me feel good and make you feel happy. Yeah, well, they make me feel happy because I know that's part of my self-care as well. I'm looking after my body, making sure I'm getting the right foods.
Speaker 1:And you know, it does sound obvious, that's obvious. But it's not so obvious when you're in it. When you're self-sabotaging, you're not aware of it, you're not of you, you don't think of it consciously. Once it becomes conscious and you become aware of it, you can say, oh well, okay, today I'm going to choose to self-sabotage and not feel so happy after I've eaten the big tub of ice cream. Or I'm going to choose to go for that lovely walk in the park or for a walk in the rain or whatever, or run In the rain. I don't like that. Yeah, I know you don't like it. But then afterwards, when you get back, anyone that's been for a long walk knows how good it feels. Yeah, it does feel good. So you can collect that experience. Yeah, definitely. And then you feel as if you remind yourself of that experience. Oh, I've done.
Speaker 1:Your self-esteem grows because you know you've gone against your natural instinct, which was that instinct to go for the ice cream and sit on the couch. But no, you've gone against it. So, in a way, you're, instead of self-sabotage, you're self-caring for yourself, you're caring, and you've gone away that whisper in your head which says go go, that little devil voice which says go for the snacks, go for the stuff that's not healthy, stuff yourself with that and then you're gonna feel awful. You know you're gonna feel bad afterwards. You've gone against that.
Speaker 1:Obviously, if you're having treats like what you'd casted once a week and you're, or you're, celebrating a birthday, we're's different. We're talking about everyday habits. We're talking about everyday habits and everyday happiness, things that don't make you feel so happy, because, first of all, if you're not nourishing your body, you're not going to feel as good. No, are you? No, no, and often there's that sense of guilt that comes with it. Is that what you said?
Speaker 1:You're not taking care of yourself, of you know, you're not really taking care of yourself if you're doing that, and one thing is to be doing it consciously and saying, no, I'm going to eat this and I, that's okay, I'm going to do it and I'm going to fully enjoy it. Half the time you don't even enjoy it because the guilt starts coming in. So there is, there is, there are things you can do to help yourself. Practical things like not having it. That's so obvious. But, yes, don't do it. Do what we do.
Speaker 1:Go out and get that ice cream and you have to physically make the effort. Or like once I remembered hearing if you want crisps, make them yourself. Like who's going to go to the bother of making? You know, but it's so much easier. You just open this bag but you make the effort and you say no. If I want things that I know are going to be like on the treat list, then I'll make them as a treat. As a treat, and I enjoy the process. I'll make them or I'll eat them every now and again.
Speaker 1:That also makes me think about, like, if you're going to have, like a fight or an argument with your partner, if you think about it in cold blood and you think right now he or she or they are coming home and I'm going to have a big fight with them now, yeah, I mean, it would probably put you off having the fight, wouldn't it? If you think about it, well, I think about it logically I'm going to have a big fight now and I'm going to start shouting and screaming or whatever you do, and I'm going to go all go in a huff. You, probably you can look at the situation a bit calmer. Is that what they say? Never send that email when you're furious, wait right. Yeah.
Speaker 1:So you think, even if something really annoyed you about the your partner, you know, because sort of process it and and and, yeah, because, can you imagine if you're constantly like having arguments or fights with your partner, is that going to make you feel happy? Well, no, but then what if there is something you want to discuss with your partner, how would you do it, instead of self-sabotaging your whole evening and ruining your evening as well, because you're not only going to be ruining your partner's evening, you're going to be ruining your evening. If you lash out, yeah, well, how? What do you suggest? Well, I suggest that you don't lash out and you communicate in a different way and you communicate in a proper way. That's more helpful to you and to them.
Speaker 1:So if something's been bothering, you say just gently, say, look, can we have a little chat about this? You know you left the toilet seat up again. Oh, it's about the toilet seat. That really hurts my feelings. No, obviously that's just a metaphor. No, it's a metaphor, but I can tell you that can get annoying. But like, you didn't do the dishes when I asked you to, and you know how tired I am, and then you can start maybe shouting oh you didn't take care of this or take care of that. If you say it in a way that's more productive. Look, hey, when you didn't do this, it made me feel, um, like you don't value my opinion, you don't listen to me. I felt really hurt and I was really sad about it. And and can we have a little chat about this and maybe you know, work together to cooperate more? Yeah, well, that's the ideal situation.
Speaker 1:I do think that if you are one of those people that do sabotage your own happiness by constantly picking fights and arguments you do pick fights on purpose, yes, yes, and. And so you have to think why do I do this? Because what kind of anger do I have built up inside me already to have to want to do this in the first place, that afterwards I might end up and go off crying and be upset or get really. You know it's not good, it's it's not to your advantage. So I think, if you can think about, if you do self-sabotage in that way, where you are constantly arguing and fighting with other people and having these mega discussions that make you feel miserable, there are things I think you have to look inside and wonder why, as therapists, we know how many people break up over things that we would consider minor yeah, minor things that could easily be fixed, and basic is because they're sabotaging their own relationships. Basically, like some of our clients, because they don't feel that they are actually self-worthy enough to be in a relationship. So, in order to break it up, they'll like pick fights, so they'll look for silly things that aren't really that important.
Speaker 1:If you, if you take them from an adult perspective, where you both talk about things calmly and you talk about your feelings calmly, yeah, and what affects you and what doesn't, you know, a lot of the times, the people aren't even aware of it. Your partner just might be saying what, what's going on? Oh no, they're picking another fight. God, yeah, yeah, it can become really. It's become really boring and draining for the person that's living with someone and and that the the root of it is lack of self-esteem. So that's why you know, if you, if you don't eat that tub of ice cream and you take preventative measures in the first place, then you might not feel so bad in the end. It's a whole loop, isn't it? Well, yeah, as always, most of the times when someone comes to us for therapy. It's not. It's not really the thing they come to us about.
Speaker 1:No, underneath there's always underlying causes, and most of it is self-sabotage, because of low self-esteem, because of low self-worth, whatever you want to call it. Bad childhood experiences, past trauma, all the relationships with all the people that have made you feel less than enough. And so you have to work on yourself, don't you? You have to work on understanding why. Why do I always do this? Why do I always pick the wrong person? Is that person really wrong or is it me?
Speaker 1:You know, this is a village story once again, the story about the villager that went from one village to the next and he kept saying there's something wrong with this village. People are horrible here, I don't like the work here, I don't like the housing here, whatever. Everything was wrong. But every time he moved and went to the new village, he found the same situation and all the people that had lived in those villages would say, really Well, I found that. I was weird because I thought they were really nice there. So, basically, the villager was the problem. So the villager was self-sabotaging his own happiness by taking his unhappiness basically With him yes, his own lack of self-worth and everything without maybe realising it, that he was doing that. He definitely did not realise it. No, in this story he doesn't realize it, and that's sad and and it may be that you are with the wrong person. They're not right for you, but it isn't.
Speaker 1:It. Isn't it odd to think you know how you see some couples when they split up from one person and they go with another one and they're completely different, yeah, or the other person can see things that you couldn't see. So maybe you aren't the right match, like what they say, and you're not compatible with each other. But make sure that it's not you that, for some strange reason or not strange for reasons that we, you know their underlying causes. They're not strange at all.
Speaker 1:All really, if you think about them, their underlying causes that are making you self-sabotage your relationships because of your own fear, you're frightened. A lot of people are frightened of success as well, and they sabotage. They do sabotage in business in a certain level and they stop, they stop. They're frightened of it because that's not for them. They're not supposed to. You know where they came from. They didn't expect to get to that level and and you, you stop. You stop you. You don't you stop. You stop acting as if you can go ahead. You become, you know, afraid like a turtle stick its neck in. That's it. You close yourself off. You close yourself off and you don't get to where you could be, where probably some part of you knows that you could be there, knows that you could live a better life.
Speaker 1:I think we have all have to think about that a little bit. How much self-sabotage and happiness is so? I overrated because they say you know happy. But if you feel calm and you feel that you know you're doing your best, I think that's that's happiness, isn't it? You're doing your best, feel calm, you feel in the moment, you're mindful of those around you, you're doing your best to be the best version of yourself and you also are aware of what's missing, like what you're doing that could be causing this self-sabotage. Yeah, I think already, if you're aware of the fact that you are self-sabotaging, then you're already that. I mean you're self-sabotaging yourself. That's something that's an ongoing process. It's not something you may do once. It's the infinitive of the world.
Speaker 1:If it's something that really bothers you and your partner doesn't acknowledge it bothers you and they forget and they keep doing it. You know you can also reframe it and say how lucky you are to have a partner that's there, because they might not be there in the future, you might not have a partner. Or you can think what do I do that could bother them? That's annoying. Yeah, that's annoying that maybe you leave your clothes all over the place or your makeup all over the bathroom. Yeah, we do. That's what I was thinking. You might you might be doing something that really bothers them, but they just turn a blind eye to it, or they're not really that bothered because maybe in life it's not that important. You know you can put the toilet seat down.
Speaker 1:So you really have to think is it really worth, you know, sabotaging the relationship over these little bickering things that could be easily resolved? Is it worth it? If someone that I had more respect for did that, would I look at it in a different way? You know what I mean. You have to think, you have to really value this, you know. Obviously, if you really think that your partner's doing on purpose to spite you, then that's not nice and then maybe you are with the most most of the the time, but most of the time they're not. No, so if you really think that that is the case, obviously you're with the wrong person that doesn't really care about you that much, doesn't really care about your feelings, and maybe you should invest more self-esteem in yourself and say, look, I'm gonna look for something better, something that's gonna be a better match for me. I'm worth more than this. Yeah, definitely in the case of like personal relationships, I think so.
Speaker 1:Yeah, reminded me of that other story once I think another therapist said it, that about the kitchen cabinets always being open. Yeah, I think it was a wife that left, always, would leave all the kitchen cabinets open which I do that sometimes as well and the husband would say I just can't stand it anymore, she won't close those cabinets, she won't close the cabinets. And then the therapist said why don't you take the open cabinets as an idea that your wife would perhaps? No, the story was, as he opened bedroom door, was it something like that? You tell your wife that every time she leaves the cabinet door open, she's open to intimacy. And then they had a big laugh about it. Obviously they worked on it together. So then the wife was more careful to close the cabinets when she wasn't into interested. Yeah, she thought, oh, if I leave the cabinet. They did leave it open. They'd have a big jolly good laugh about it. Yeah, yeah. So that's a humorous way of resolving a problem. I thought that was a very clever way, yes, of dealing with it, because there was a whole refrain going on not only was a husband really happy when he saw a cabinet door open, but it also became like this big joke and she would be careful to close them. So there's lots of little clever ways you can deal with things like that.
Speaker 1:If they're just getting on your nerves, I think here we're talking more about actual self-sabotage in in so many different things. Like it does start from the minor things, though it does, but that's already. Like you might want a relationship, but you keep. Every time you meet somebody you say they're not quite right. They're not quite right or they don't look the way you expect them to look. Yes, you're looking for something and you can't find it, and you just find yourself, I don't know, swiping or going on many different dates and nobody's quite right for you. What's going on there? Well, you haven't given. You haven't.
Speaker 1:First of all, you've got the idea of someone in your head that doesn't exist, and then you're not giving that person the chance, the time of day, to actually see if you you are, you know, if you are the right person. Yeah, exactly, you're not giving that person, you're not giving yourself. You are self right person for each other. Yeah, exactly, you're not giving that person. You're not giving yourself, you're self-sabotaging. You are self-sabotaging. You are indeed there's something not quite right about that person. You actually physically meet and then you think, oh God, no, you know, I mean, it's something that you think is weird or something.
Speaker 1:Maybe you know, ask yourself am I just self-sabotaging again? What do I need to do in order to put a stop to this? You have to think very much. You're giving the person a chance. I'm actually giving myself a chance more than the person. What? What you're doing is when yourself, you're not giving yourself a chance for happiness. You're putting it, it's. You know, you're turning on the red light, any chance you can get. Why?
Speaker 1:Because ultimately, there's the root cause is you don't think you deserve to be happy, whether at work, at home, whatever it is, there's something that says I do not deserve to be happy, or something that makes you think that while you're in that fearful position, you're safe. That's another big thing, isn't it. While you're in fear, then you're safe, because that's protecting yourself. Yeah, because that's what, that's what you know. So it's it's your comfort place. To be frightened, to be miserable, to be unhappy is what you've always known, so you won't allow yourself to experience good things, so that's why you know the root cause is that. So I think once you understand that right Well, once you understand it on you're on your way to happiness. You're on your way yeah, you're on your way to healing. I think, once you know that that's a root cause of it all, yeah, yeah, so let us know what you think.
Speaker 1:Are you self-sabotaging your happiness in some way, whether it's your health or your fitness, or in the work that you do, in your career or in your relationships? Yeah, let us know. And do you know that? Do you know what that? Turning it around and just doing the opposite of what you would normally do is a good way of reversing? Yeah, definitely, really quickly say, oh, hey, this is, I always do this, so let me do this instead, I always say no, not going on a second date, let me try. Yeah, maybe it's me that's self-sabotaging, or maybe it's me that. Whatever it is, let us know. Please do watch the video on youtube and come and say hi. And wherever you get your podcasts, wherever you're listening, whether it's spotify, apple podcasts or wherever let us know, send us a message, send us a text and come and say hi. We love hearing from you. We really do. Bye.
