When You Tell Yourself It Is Fine You Feel Worse

The most believable lies are the ones we tell ourselves. That quiet “it’s fine” story can feel calming for a day, but it often leaves a low-grade anxiety humming in the background because part of you knows the truth is waiting.

We talk openly about self-deception and denial, and how they show up in everyday life: putting off a doctor’s appointment, ignoring the feelings you do not want to face, or staying in a relationship that no longer fits because the logistics and heartbreak feel overwhelming. We share why anxiety can grow when you keep pushing emotions down, and how that small inner voice tends to get louder when you finally slow down enough to hear it. We also explore how tiny white lies can snowball, from flaking on plans to avoiding honest conversations, and why clarity is usually kinder than delayed disappointment.

Parenting brings its own version of the same problem. We unpack what happens when adults make “soft” promises to children with no real intention of following through, and why kids notice incongruence even when they cannot name it. Honest boundaries, simple reasons, and consistent follow-through can create a sense of safety and emotional confidence that reduces anxiety for the whole family.

You will leave with practical ideas: notice your triggers, practise saying no earlier, and give yourself a clear “because” that supports real self-care. If this resonates, subscribe, share the episode with someone who needs a gentle push towards honesty, and leave a review so more people can find Real Anxiety Relief With The Sisters 

Transcript

The Question We All Avoid

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Have you ever told a lie? But I think we're gonna be talking about lying to yourself here. Lying to yourself. Yeah, but have you ever lied to yourself before? I think so. I think everyone has. I think most people have. Yeah. I think we all have at one point or another. That's what we're gonna be talking about in Get Real with the English sisters. The number one podcast for anxiety relief that will make you smile. And if you like this podcast, please share it with your family and friends and help us grow. As it really does make a difference to why we decide to make these podcasts. Because we're here in the little studio, but you know, the more of you that watch, you know, we become more and more and more motivated, don't we? Absolutely. We love getting the feedback and hearing what you have to say about it. It's all part of the process, isn't it? Yeah, and and if it made you think about anything in particular, right? That's great, you know. So get back to us. And so for today, yes. It's

Self-Deception Disguised As Procrastination

SPEAKER_00 1:15

the number one reason why we need to stop lying to ourselves. Or you need to stop lying to yourself. This this thing about does this resonate with you? Yeah, does it resonate? Do you tell lies to yourself all the time? I mean, the white the odd white lie to yourself. I mean, I s I tend to I don't know if it's called lying. It's not really, it's self-deception, isn't it? It's just denial, really, isn't it? When I think I have to book an appointment for the doctors or something like the annual health check, I always put it off. I mean that's more procrastination. Yeah. But I do kind of lie to myself because I say I'll be I'll do it next week, and then I don't you know when you say you're gonna do it next week, you already know that's a just lie, it's like a deception, isn't it? Yeah, but self-deception, yeah. It's yeah, it's all intertwined, isn't it? Deception, denial. Um that's kind of a lie you're telling yourself. Like if you get a diagnosis that you're not happy with from a doctor, for example, you might go into denial, which is also a way to protect yourself if you've had some bad news, for example.

Why Avoiding Truth Breeds Anxiety

SPEAKER_00 2:25

But does lying to yourself cause anxiety? Well, I don't know, but I think eventually, if you're always lying to yourself, you're ultimately gonna be more anxious, definitely, because you're always you're never gonna get down to the real truth about what you really want. And the nitty gritty of the emotions, I think. Also the emotions, yeah. You just can't they're all underneath, and you're like stifling them down, like blocking them, like pushing them down all the time by lying to yourself, like you could be lying about anything, even like about relationships. Oh, yeah, we're happy, we've got to have, but then underneath you've got this niggling voices telling you, you know, there's something wrong, but you're just covering up and you're saying, No, it's not, because you've got history, because you know, so much of everything in every relationship, work, love, whatever it is, friendship. But there comes to a uh I think a time when this could be actually causing you anxiety because you're not being true to what's really going on, and to what m to what you probably have to do for that little voice that you know, every now and then if you're quiet enough, you you know what you have to do. You might need to uh stop seeing this person, or even if it's like a really long-term relationship, you might have to

Relationships And The Quiet Inner Voice

SPEAKER_00 3:50

say, Look, yes, face the uncomfortable truth, faith it, yeah, face the truth. I had to do I was reading on Reddit, for instance, this uh this lady or this person, I'm not sure if it was a lady actually, but this person said that they had to break up with their partner, their long-term partner just before Christmas. Yeah, because they were really suffering. They said, I know it's a really long, long time to do it, but I just felt it was a time I needed to do it, and it's been really hard. But they they kind of they said they've been putting off for ages, so they're kind of lying to themselves, saying everything was okay, it's okay, it's okay until they say no, that's enough now. Yeah, that's what that's that's a self-denial, that's a lying to yourself, and that's what it can cause. Years of anxiety and and not fully being happy because you don't really want to face the truth, you don't want to face those emotions, that hard truth of saying, Oh no, you know, this is really happening now. I've got to deal with this, and the logistics of it as well. Like if you're in a long-term relationship, you might have you know family as well, and all of that stuff. You don't want to do that, and so it so it's easier to lie to yourself. Momentarily, it's easier, but then ultimately you're gonna get through it's harder, it's harder, and you're gonna have that sense of anxiety always like hovering over you. It's really hard on your mental health, isn't it? Very hard, yeah. And this can be with anything, and it's like you don't you you kind of don't want to accept it, so you don't kind of realize you're lying to yourself. No, of course you don't, you kind of because it's a very small voice, and it's it can only happen sometimes when you can sort of hear yourself and you think, oh god, and then you push it to one side, but you know there's something you have to do, for example, you know, and and I was thinking about a friend of ours in the rel with the long-term relationship, it was going on for years and years and years, and then now finally the breakup has happened, and that person is feeling so much better, yes, free, free, yeah, free, and it makes you wonder, gosh, if only those like that that self-denial hadn't gone on for such a long time. It would have been better, it would have been better. Why did why do you really have to wait that long in order to listen to your own personality? You have to process things and you're not ready to accept it. That's where you because you're I don't think and other times, yeah. I think other times it is that really you're just trying to uh bluff, bluff your way through things, you're just trying to deceive yourself and say it's gonna be okay. I'll fake it till I make it kind of thing. I'll pretend it isn't sometimes it is, but I think I think there's that I don't think in a relationship you can fake it till you make it, though. There's that part of you that knows it's not working, yeah. That's what I mean. That's a bit that you're the real part, and that's like that's the bit you're lying about, and that's who you're lying to, that part of you that is your essence that needs to be taken care of and needs to be nourished.

The Cost Of Putting Off A Breakup

SPEAKER_00 7:08

And so if you feel like no, this really isn't the right you you kind of you just you know, you're what about when you lie, like you say, you tell people you're gonna go to dinner with them and things, and then you don't. I mean, we're talking about deep stuff here, and then as usual, you go to a dinner. I'm just really getting down to the essence of who you are. This is what Bulletra always does, then she says something weird, you know, like, oh yeah, what about? I mean, who cares about that? That's just like you mean you lie to yourself because you say, Yes, I will go to dinner, and then you invent up another lie not to go. I mean, this is completely unrelated. No, you don't, and then you you related to me about it. I think it's it's not unrelated because I think that's how the lying starts. It starts not being true, not being truthful, and you starting to make these small lies up, like, oh yeah, I come to dinner with you and then you don't go. You're at the last minute how it starts. Oh yes, I I I I will go on a date with you and then you don't go. Oh, you you push it, you say, No, I can't do it this week, and you go next week and then next week. Another lie. Another lie and another lie. Instead of the truth is that you really don't want to go on a date with that person, or you don't want to do that for that person. But you know. So I think it all starts from these tiny, tiny white lies that turn into bigger lies. A lot of those white lies are due to just being like embarrassed to face, face up and actually tell the truth and say, No, I don't like on a day, for example, say, Oh no, I'm not really, you know, I don't I don't want to go with you on this date. And yeah, but you can just say I'm not in the right in my right frame of mind now to go on this date. Yeah, yeah, just say no. And then that person won't be waiting instead of saying, Oh yeah, I'm coming and then don't don't turn up at the last flaking. Oh, that's awful. Yeah, I I would hate that. I'd much rather just be told, No, sorry, I don't want to go on the date with you than than make me think I'm going on a date. No, but like say just say I'm not in the right, you know not dating at the moment. Yes, okay, fine. Yeah, I need to work on myself. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I'm not dating. I need to work yeah, uh and maybe you're right, maybe it does stem from all that kind of the beginning of it all, like or like even like I was thinking like in here, especially when I used to notice it a lot here when when we first came over and we had our little kids, how Italian people in this area, because I don't want to generalize to all Italians, just the people around us seem to do it, and they would always tell their children, Oh, we're maybe in those days it was more common, you know. I don't know if they do it now or not, but I was saying they would always tell that their kids would say, Can have an ice cream, or yes, we'll get you one later. Oh, yeah. And they had no intention of getting their children. Oh, I hate it. Then they would come to us and say, Yes, it's lunchtime in a minute, they'll forget about it. Oh god, no. And we always used to say, If you promise something, you do it. No way, yeah. If I was promised ice cream, I didn't get one, it would be devastating for me. I would never do that to my kids. It was always they would always say, yes on. I know if you say yes, it's yes. But with dad, for example, who's the who is a different culture and he is Italian, he might say things like, Yeah, we'll see, yeah, probably on Sunday we go to the park or something. And I would always say, No, don't make those kind of promises if you don't think we can really go there. Uh but he would be quite surprised until he learned like the parenting styles and he learned that what I would he had to kind of like get around it though, like the culture as well, or whether it was just me as well. Because if I said we're going to Safari or something park, I can't remember. It would be true. It would be, I would say, What do you really want to take

How Small Lies Become A Habit

SPEAKER_00 11:05

them this weekend? And he would say, Oh, I don't know. I just said it because it's nice, isn't it? I would say, No, don't say it because it's nice. Is it gonna be this weekend? It was it don't be so obsessive about it. Well, I think chill. No, because I think children naturally don't lie, so they they want the truth to feel safe. Younger children before they go to school, yeah. Yeah, the very little ones. The very little ones, they're kind of they don't know about lying. So I think if you lie to them, they're not gonna understand it, they're not gonna understand like it's just a social thing that's kind of acceptable. No, no, no, and it can be actually quite detrimental for them. Yeah, their nonny would do that a lot as well. The grandparents they would say, Oh, we'll be coming round uh to see you later. Like if the little ones would cry and they would say, Oh nonny, don't go, and they would say, No, we'll be back later, and I would say, No, you're not coming back later. Bedtime. Yeah, I go, No, no, the nonny will not come back later to just say goodbye to them now, and then we'll see them next week or whatever. But yeah, I do remember this kind of culture thing of um kind of like they kind of want to soften things candy sugar, you know, the childhood by like you don't kind of tell kids certainly, you know, you you break it softly, and then the kids kind of learn, you know, like the Italian kids kind of Sunday they're waiting for their dad or their mum to take them to the zoo or something like that. No, it's not because that's the way we grew up. But I'm wondering if perhaps there's a kind of like no, I think that causes unstable instability in them when they grow up. Probably or it causes them to become liars. Well, they learn the habit, don't they? It's a learned thing of like being a bit more laxed about things and saying, if I say I come, it doesn't really mean like if you're if your friend's mum here, like in Italy, if she would say, Oh, yeah, let's let's meet up like next week and we'll have another play date. She might not really mean that, you know. She she might not mean you're actually gonna see your little friend next week, but if I would say that to my kids, it would mean I would do everything I could possibly to ensure that that would that would happen. Yes. But but that's just kind of different. I I don't know if those little kids would ever think, you know, I I don't know, maybe it's the culture thing. I don't I I'm not sure there. I can't. You don't want to judge. I don't know, I definitely don't want to judge because it might be just the the kids might just kind of know that's how it is and it's fine and just forget maybe. I don't know, go off and they might get distracted with something else, you know, like what the Italians would say they would get my kids wouldn't get distracted for because they were my kids, and uh that's the way I raise them, you know. So I don't know. I think most kids will be saying on the Sunday, it's time to go to the zoo, they know how to count the days, and then the parents would say, Oh no, we can't go this week, next week. Yeah, and then eventually they'll learn. What dad or mum says is not true, is not always a true true, yeah. So not it's not a true, is it? It's not, it's not something I can rely on, so it makes you less reliable. It makes you less uh less not so secure, not so accountable, yeah. Maybe yeah. Anyway, um anyway, I think it can cause anxiety. We were brought up with our mum if she would say A, it was definitely A, and if it was B it was B. So if it was yes or no, if we were going on a trip, we would definitely go on that trip. So we we raise our kids the same way. Yeah, but other people might have grown up in a different kind of environment, it might be okay. Yeah, but I think if they if they learn to tell if they find that they're they're lying to themselves and they're also lying to their children, I think if they they you can also learn, can't you? Because if you've been brought up like that doesn't necessarily mean it's a good thing. I think psychologically we've seen it a lot of therapy clients. Yeah, we've seen it that this kind of behaviour can cause anxiety in the long run for the parents and for the children. Well, for the children, it's definitely best to be honest, because they're gonna pick up on anything anyway. They're like they can look at your face and read it, they they're they're special, you know, they know exactly so it's not congruent. If you say yes, I'm taking you, and then your your body

Parenting Promises And Cultural “Softening”

SPEAKER_00 15:40

language is saying not really. No, there's an incongruity. There's an incongruence, which means that there's there's something that's not quite right, which does cause. Make sure you feel anxious. She doesn't really want to take me, you know. Why? You know, it could be wholesome. Is it something to do with me? Me dying. Was I naughty? Yeah, all this kind of stuff. It goes back to that. So I think a lot of childhood trauma. There we go. We're back to the childhood thing. Can be a problem. Because there's so many children now that are having anxiety as well. Well, if you do have children, just maybe you know, think about it for a bit, you know, and remember, you know, maybe if you are more truthful with them, you can actually make them feel more secure. So if you don't want to go to the zoo because you're tired and you've worked really hard all week, just say it. Just say no, I I really the truth is I do not want to go. I want to spend my Sunday doing something else because I'm exhausted. And you will get, even though they might say, and make a little fuss and moan and say, You're always tired. I mean, our kids used to say that to us. You're always tired. Oh no. But in the end, hey, they learnt that we we spoke our truths, and that it allows them to say that they're tired as well, or that they don't want to do something. Yes, so that hopefully, you know, now they're grown up, they can say no, I don't feel like doing that without having to to make an excuse or say, say, I will do it and then not do it. Yeah, because that's even worse, yeah. At least if you make an excuse, but yeah. This whole self-denial thing is um and self-deception more than self-denial, because self-denial is a protective method, and you know, we all do it when we don't want to hear things, and we want to have that moment, you know, of peace, yeah. And we can't maybe we can't accept it at the time, or it's too harsh, or so you go into the self-denial, a bit of a bubble, and you think, no, but self-deception are they different, really? Well, one is you're deceiving yourself, one is you're lying to yourself, it's very similar. So what that's to deceive and to lie is the same word. So no, I mean to deny to yourself. You didn't like denial and deception. Denial is a bit different because it's like total, you're just pretending it hasn't kind of happened. Happened, okay. You're not even going there, so it's it is a bit different. That's what I meant. But to deceive yourself, no, to deceive is the same as to lie, yes. Yeah, absolutely. Okay, no, it's it's the same thing. Yeah, I I was wondering whether the denial and the deception I think that they're intertwined, definitely definitely intertwined. So, what how can we not deceive ourselves? You know, what we have to when we realise we go, we have to see what triggers us to do it. Yeah. So if you find that, say, for instance, if you're in this dinner party situation or like with your children, if you find it very difficult to say no, not at the moment, we can't do that because they might have a tantrum or something, you have to work on that and you have to kind of um get your voice back. Yes, kind of like when you get into that kind of situation, say if you're going to a supermarket, you know they're gonna want chocolates. Yeah, you can maybe tell your children in advance, look, mum and dad, we're not buying you any chocolates today because we haven't got the money, or because we're not we're not we're gonna be eating healthily, and we're gonna maybe you can offer some sweetener, I would say. Maybe at the weekend, if it's true, we're gonna make some homemade cookies or something. Yeah, yeah. So offer them something nice to look forward to, otherwise, just say no, we can't do that

Honesty Builds Security In Children

SPEAKER_00 19:40

and give them a reason. Because after all, children are like adults, if they have reasons, it's gonna be a lot easier for them to accept it. So maybe we should give ourselves a reason too. So, you know, so in the same way as as as we speak to our own little ones, we can talk to ourselves and say that's a good point. No, I'm not going to accept this because and give yourself a because. So if you're always saying that you need to eat healthily, and you know that you're lying to yourself, lying to yourself, you have to give yourself a because say I need to eat healthily because otherwise I'm gonna get sick. Is that is that right? Am I getting confused? Because I'm gonna get sick if I don't. Yeah, but that's not motivation enough for a lot of people, is it? Wow, I'm gonna get sick if I don't. Sick, actually sick. I think that should be enough motivation. If there's if that's not enough motivation, then you have to look at the causes behind why you don't value yourself enough to care about yourself to think if I get sick, it's okay. You know, maybe there's a part of you that kind of wants to get sick because you want some days off work, or you you you just can't cope with what's going on in the world. I was reading a study actually, and it was saying that like it's like seven out of ten, I think it was an American study, of people didn't really have that self-care that you know they didn't really love themselves enough to actually want to help themselves. Actually help themselves, so like you know, look after themselves physically or uh like love themselves, go to a doctor, for example. It was quite shocking. So sad, isn't it? Yeah, but if if they asked them the same question about a family member, they would immediately say, Oh yes, sure, of course I want them or to get the best care. But if it was about themselves, it was less than a lot of people. So maybe they would have to turn the table and say, if it was my family, would I take care of them? Yeah. But I have to do the same for myself, yeah. And then that way they can learn to learn. It's a bit of a funny one, that, but I think that does tend to happen a lot of the time when you Kind of neglect yourself. I think that goes back to being uh selfish. Selfish. Well, people think they're selfish if they're looking after themselves, don't they?

Triggers Boundaries And Real Self-Care

SPEAKER_00 22:10

Yeah, well they're really, it's the opposite. They're selfish if they don't look after themselves. I always tell my husband, yeah. I I'm sick of you if you don't if you're not looking after yourself, I get furious. Like he has high blood pressure, and if he doesn't take his medication or something, it drives me nuts. Well, no wonder. Yeah, because it's so dangerous. I go, goodness me. You know, take that, take the meds and look after yourself. Why are you not? Why is this not your priority? Whereas if it's anything to do with me, quickly rush off. Straight to the doctor. Straight to the doctor. Straight to the yeah. So I mean, come on. You know, we've got to understand why we're doing this to ourselves. And does that cause him anxiety when he doesn't take his meds? I don't know, it causes me anxiety. Because I love him so much, and I think something might happen to him. I don't know if it causes him. I don't think he cares. He'd always go on about it afterwards. I didn't take my meds. Why does he let you know he doesn't take them? Yeah, why does he let me know? Yeah, he should just keep quiet. Just next time I say, just keep quiet. You decide. I think there is a part of him that makes him anxious. So he thinks if he spits it out and he tells you I'll be anxious like both of us. Yeah. Like worry for him and then he won't have to worry himself. Maybe, yeah, I don't know. See funny little things, isn't it? It's like self-denial. It is, yeah. You think, gosh, really? Uh and because if you ask anyone just when they're about to die, most people want to live a bit longer, don't they? Yeah, come on. Hopefully. Hopefully, for your life, if you're not in pain. If you're not in pain. If you're not in pain, you want to live a little bit longer. Ideally, you would say, Yes, I would like to live a long life if I if it does not involve physical pain or mental anguish, etc. So you think you want to take care of yourself for as long as you've got on this on this planet, but then the ins and out, like what you say of the mental psyche. It's weird, isn't it? It's weird, yeah. It's fascinating. Very fascinating. We could go on for hours talking about this. We could, but we don't want to get off topic.

Questions For You And How To Reach Us

SPEAKER_00 24:35

No, no. So we'll let you decide. Do you lie to yourself? Have you ever told a white lie? You'd be a liar if you said you hadn't. You'd definitely be a liar if you said you hadn't told a little white lie, which are just those innocent lies. But it's it's you're the kind of lying. Are you lying to yourself about where you are and about your health, about your relationships, about your emotions? Do you accept your emotions? Do you allow your emotions to actually feel them and then cope with them and then manage them and accept them? Yeah, because I think when you do, then things get a lot better immediately. A lot better. I think so. Let us know. Yeah, please do let us know. Share, share your comments, share this podcast, and uh get in touch with us. Follow us on uh Instagram, at get real with the English sisters, and also come watch us on YouTube as we also have the video version on YouTube. This podcast is available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Enjoy a wonderful week. Love and smiles from the English sisters. Bye. Bye.