Selfish Bitch? Nah Babe, It's Called Childfree Boundaries

Ep #89 - Tired of being called selfish just because you know yourself well enough to not have kids? 

Anyone who dares to flout social conventions is typically labeled rebellious. But opt out of the sacrificial act of parenthood? HOW DARE YOU, YOU SELFISH BITCH?!

Let's examine what “selfish” really means, why it’s so often weaponized against childfree women, and how our definitions of self-centered, self-aware, and boundaries get all tangled up in toxic cultural norms. 

It's a spectrum, and we're all capable of selfish acts. Parents, too! 

So why do parents get a pass on selfish behavior? Give this episode a listen and then text in your thoughts! Add your name to the text body too, and your response might be read on a future episode.

Start shedding your toxic traits as we explore how in-groups and out-groups shape our beliefs, and how critical thinking and healthy boundary-setting can help us all live our best lives. Parents, too!

To get the full show notes, and an episode transcript, go to PauletteErato.com/shownotes. This is episode 89.

Transcript

0:02

Buen dia mi gente, and welcome to La Vida Más Chévere de Childfree Latinas, the only Spanglish podcast for childfree Latinas. Latinas helping us liberate ourselves from the toxic cultural brainwashing we all grew up with so that we can design our best lives, instead. I'm your host and resident childfree Latina Paulette Erato. Okay mis amigues, I'm gonna ask you to do two things in this episode. One is to text me your thoughts, and two will be to join up with the rest of the super fans on the Super Cheveritas Substack for a deeper dive on this topic in the coming weeks, because I've got a lot to say that didn't fit in this episode. And I also really wanna hear your thoughts. So here it goes. If you heard the last episode, my interview with childfree Latina Angela Briones, you might have heard us discuss the word, selfish. And how often that term is thrown at childfree people as if we're all living a Peter Pan lifestyle. It's meant to be an insult, and yet are we the selfish ones? Let's break that word down because I think we have a fundamental misunderstanding around the word selfish and selfish behaviors. I've always understood the word to imply that one's actions aren't just self-centered, but actually cause harm. They're malicious. But is that the case? According to the Wikipedia entry quote, selfishness is being concerned excessively or exclusively for oneself or one's own advantage, pleasure, or welfare, regardless of others. Selfishness is the opposite of altruism or selflessness, and has also been contrasted with self-centeredness. End quote. Okay then what is self-centeredness? That link leads to Wikipedia entry about egocentrism. Okay, that's a new word. So what does that one mean? Quote. Egocentrism refers to difficulty differentiating between self and other. More specifically, it is difficulty in accurately perceiving and understanding perspectives other than one's own. End quote. Let's stop here for a second. Egocentrism or self-centeredness is difficulty in understanding a perspective that isn't already yours. This is why diversity in classrooms at work, even inside corporate boardrooms, is so valuable. It literally makes more money for companies when they have people from all different backgrounds giving input on how things should run. Because sometimes when you're stuck in the, let's say, inside the proverbial box for too long and everyone else you know is also in that box, it's kind of hard to then think outside the box. See where this is going. That's when you need people with a different set of lenses on the world, different perspectives other than your own self-centered one and that of everyone else around you. Let's continue on with this Wikipedia entry on egocentrism'cause it's not done yet. Quote egocentrism is found across the lifespan in infancy, early childhood, adolescence and adulthood. Although egocentric behaviors are less prominent in adulthood, the existence of some forms of egocentrism in adulthood indicates that overcoming egocentrism may be a lifelong development that never achieves completion. End quote. That was a lot. But basically this says that egocentrism is part of the human condition. We're born with it, and as we grow and evolve and mature, we're meant to become less self-centered. This tracks because children have zero awareness about the world. They're naive and they're only concerned with their own needs and wants. We hope that adults are more mature than that. We hope that adults are aware, self-aware. Which we're gonna come back to. So selfishness is disregard for others, so is egocentrism. But as we mature, we are supposed to become less selfish, less ego-centric, less self-centered. Then the question is, can someone be self-centered but not selfish? Can I want to take care of myself first and then others too, or is that not what these words point to? See, it's confusing, right? So what if we talk about them like a spectrum, which the definition of egocentrism alludes to it being since we can outgrow that kind of behavior and move on to a more mature point of view. On one end of the spectrum, we have fully selfish, even malicious behaviors and attitude, the kind that harm others for one's own personal gain. Like people who are greedy, who hoard wealth, who hoard resources, who slash aid to the most vulnerable members of society, like kids, like the elderly. And even those who enjoy watching innocent people being kidnapped off the streets or killed on the streets simply because of their skin color. Sound familiar? Yes, our government is full of these malicious people. I'll have a post for the Super Cheveritas breaking this down for you. There's a link in the bio for you to join up so you don't miss it. Super Cheveritas. That's what the Substack is called. It's named after you, the super fans, the Super Cheveritas. So that was one end of the spectrum. The selfish end. On the other end of the spectrum, past egocentric or self-focused, or even self-interested, we have self-aware, self-assured, self-possessed. Maybe even self enlightened. So within this framework, we can examine human behavior and hopefully shed light on why certain choices are deemed selfish and other, seemingly selfish behaviors, get a pass. Before we get into the meat of this, I want you to listen closely,'cause later on down the line, I'm going to ask for your thoughts. Let's talk about toxic traits. There are a lot of memes around this phrase, toxic traits, but what are we always talking about on this show, if not that? Sure, I call them toxic cultural norms, but they're basically the same thing. Which is, bad behavior that's been normalized. Like assuming childfree people are selfish because they don't have kids. That is purely social conditioning. That is a bullshit, toxic cultural norm. Let's unpack it, shall we? To start, maybe selfish isn't the right word to describe people who simply opted out of what's been sold to us, like propaganda, as a traditional route. Maybe it's actually a toxic trait to believe that. And then another toxic trait to repeat it over and over and over again, like a simple birdbrain parrot. That might be the crux of the problem. That when people blindly follow along with traditions or the way it's always been done, without questioning whether or not those traditions or actions are even still applicable or safe for us to continue doing, without any curiosity whatsoever, that's not actually a good thing. Have you ever watched Westworld? The lack of critical thinking makes people like this less useful than those Westworld robots. There's a line that goes, "it doesn't look like anything to me," which was what the robots said when they were confronted with something they weren't programmed to know about. They exhibited zero curiosity, zero critical thinking. People like this are barely half a step more sentient than A One steak sauce, which is what we're calling AI by the way. They're just swallowing and then parroting back whatever bullshit is programmed into their eyeballs by sources like Fox News and the church. I'm getting off track because I'm in LA and it's kinda hard to focus while actively living through history right now. But anyway, that word selfish has been weaponized against anyone who dares to set a boundary for themselves. And let's be clear. Not having children is simply a boundary for yourself. Not everyone gets to make that choice. So for those of us lucky enough to have these choices, are we selfish? Healthy boundaries look a lot of different ways, like choosing not to take work calls or meetings before 10:00 AM so you have a few hours of uninterrupted work time in the mornings. I learned that one from my friend and fellow podcaster, Michelle Jackson. You might not recognize that as a quote unquote boundary because what we usually call it is work life balance. But rest assured it is indeed a boundary. Another one is limiting your social media consumption. Personally, I no longer use Facebook. It drains me. So if someone promotes a product or a service that I invest in and then invites me to join their exclusive Facebook group, well then I know I'm gonna miss out on some interaction and maybe even some information because I don't go on Facebook. And that's okay with me. That's a choice I've made. Oh, well. See, I'm more concerned with what I consume than having to consume everything everywhere it is. You know how I'm always telling you to watch your social media consumption? This is what I mean. Why is it that selfish is so often the weapon of choice in people's mouths when we don't conform to their standards, especially as childfree Latinas? Is it jealousy? Is it buyer's remorse? Is it the crabs in a bucket mentality, or is it simply that old lack of critical thinking and curiosity? Or is it about controlling the narrative? Buried somewhere in that sentiment is the concept of in-groups versus out-groups. As I was putting this episode together, I came across an IG reel by author and host of the Head On Fire podcast, Don Martin. He was giving a delicious masterclass in dressing down homophobes, which of course will be in the show notes too. I want you to watch it because he does a really good job breaking down why in-groups and out-groups exist and how they play into our morals and ideas about the world. Our guest here on this show, Rena, from episode 40 on shame, also referenced this idea of in- and out-groups. She mentioned shunning, or being an outcast, as punishment. Shunning is still to this day, a very big deterrent in our society. It's akin to social death to be cast out of your groups. Way back when it meant literal death to be abandoned by your tribe or to be cast out of your village. These days, it's likely you either have a shitty social group to begin with, or you're facing the consequences of your actions if you're outcast. Or maybe both. They are not mutually exclusive. So being in the group means you care more about everyone else in your in-group than anyone who isn't inside it, and that's natural. Your family, your neighborhood, your department at work, the team you root for, whether it's baseball, basketball, or what have you. Any group you belong to is one of your many in-groups. Anyone who also isn't in the group with you isn't really given much of a second thought or is considered the enemy. We disregard them, their feelings, we don't care as much about them as the people also rooting for our football team. But when someone in the group doesn't adhere to the rules, whether they're spoken or unspoken, then we wonder what's wrong with them. Rarely are people curious as to why someone is behaving differently, because just being different can seem scary. It's off-putting, it makes us uncomfortable. So a natural reaction to someone acting differently than the group wants them to, is to label them so we all know that they might get cut off. This us versus them mentality then comes into play and it keeps us distracted from what's really important. Instead, we simply rush to call them selfish or something like that because they're not adhering to the rules. We're not questioning whether or not the rules make sense either. This is another toxic trait. I think we're up to three now. And these divisions are largely artificial. If we're going to ostracize our own community members, shouldn't we be clear on why they opted to do things differently than how it's always been done? When people opt out of traditions, or things that seem traditional like having kids, when they learn healthy boundaries and become a bit more self-aware or even self-assured, they stop being easy to control, which also means easy to manipulate. It can also mean they see things differently from us, and that becomes bewildering. Perplexing. Makes us wonder what's wrong with us if we do wanna conform. It's not uncommon for this to happen, say, when the kids go off to college and are exposed to different ideas and perspectives. Suddenly they're questioning a lot about how they grew up. And sometimes that frustrates or even infuriates their parents. The ones in the original in-group, the family. We're in the middle of Pride Month. So let's take the most obvious example and say you were taught that gay people are anomalies, that their lifestyle is abhorrent. But then you go off to college or honestly anywhere, and meet actual gay people only to find out they're just like you. Angela mentioned this in our interview last episode. Then you might start questioning a lot of other things you were taught at home and whether or not those are actually true too, or at least true for you. And that? That can be a threat to the people who taught you that. You're breaking with social convention. Which is also why not having children can feel like such a slap in the face for people who didn't consider that that was a choice for them too. It's an affront to their social conditioning. And they've been socially conditioned to believe not having children is selfish. By the way the parent in-group divides itself into us versus them all by themselves. I had an interesting conversation with someone from my brother's wife's side of the family, basically one of my brother's in-laws. What they said was, and I think this was maybe a bonding opportunity, I don't know, but he said, "you know, we didn't think we wanted kids either, and we had fun and we did all the things. And then we're like, we're tired of being selfish. We're gonna grow up now." Let that sink in for a minute. That comment is dripping with condescension. They probably didn't even mean it that way, since they know us. They know we're very generous with the kids in our family. But that's how some parents see the world and their lives before they became parents. The in-group from their pre-parent lives was one where self-centeredness was fine, probably encouraged. Do what you want! But now that they have kids, they can't be like that anymore. That doesn't mean that people without kids haven't also grown up. I'm not out partying and doing all the things I did in my twenties either. I have more responsibilities. I may not be a parent, but I still get the calls asking "Titi, what do I do about my boss? She's not listening to me and I'm falling behind." Or "Titi will you come to my graduation tonight?" Do you think I could have dropped everything I was doing to spend 90 minutes in traffic to get to a graduation ceremony in the middle of a week? It was a Tuesday night, y'all. If I had a kid or multiple kids to worry about? Babysitting dinner, any afterschool activities? No. So does that make me selfish? Is that even self-centered? Why did I do it? Why did I say yes, I'll be there? Because I love the kid, and as much as graduations are boring, I still wanted to witness him having this milestone, especially after he asked me to. This is why swapping selfish and self-centered as synonyms can be dangerous. And why parents aren't as selfless as they'd like to think they are. In the show notes and over on my socials, I'll post a picture of that meme where the mommy blogger is sitting barefoot with a sign that says, moms deserve a fast pass at the coffee shop because the 22-year-old girlies got plenty of sleep and can wait. If you haven't seen it, it's linked. That sentiment is not even just condescending. It's also misogynistic and reeks of entitlement. That's way past self-centered and deep into selfish territory, complete and utter disregard for others to the point of harm. So how are childfree people, selfish? Please. Let's figure this out. Childfree people, or let's be honest, it's childfree women who are usually deemed selfish because having and raising children is a sacrificial act. And not joining in this act of sacrifice, especially through the lenses of people who felt compelled to do it or didn't realize they had a choice in the matter, can feel like a slap in the face. How dare you choose different than I did? But if selfishness is about harm or at least a disregard for others, how is us not having children harming anyone? We pay more in taxes because of it, and taxes are what allow all children to have good schools so they can be better educated and not fall for bullshit propaganda. We also collectively have a smaller carbon footprint, which is ultimately better for the environment. Fewer people fighting for the same resources. Oh, you wanna argue that our population is shrinking? How have we managed to add 4 billion people to this planet since I was born, if that was true? When I was born in 1978, there were 4.2 billion people on this planet, almost 4.3. We now have over 8 billion people, so in less than 50 years, we have doubled that population number. So don't be fooled. Don't fall for this propaganda. Our populations aren't shrinking. The problem is we have a very fucked up and divisive view of who we count as citizens, who gets to count for our population needs. Better immigration policies would alleviate the need for people like me and you to engage in breeding behavior because we have enough people on this planet already. It's simple racism that doesn't want certain people here in this country. Case in point, the current situation with ICE, AKA, the modern day Gestapo. But right now, brown people do not count. They're forcibly and reprehensible denying citizenship or even a path to citizenship to everyone who is a little bit tan or darker. They're kidnapping them before they can even get to court where their hearings are happening. On the way to court. They're abducting kids as a way to smoke out their parents. That's terrorism. Plain and simple. And at the same time, we keep being told we need to have more kids. So, like I said, is it jealousy, buyer's remorse, crabs in a bucket, a means of control? First off, the human species, while cooperative and social can still exhibit selfish tendencies, our most basic animalistic tendencies played out during those early lockdown days of the pandemic when people were, you remember, hoarding the toilet paper? There's still signs up in some of these stores that say you can only buy at most two packages. It's been four years since we were out of lockdown. Why would people still require these reminders? Because they're selfish, or at the very least self-centered. Nope. I'm gonna walk that back. Taking more than your share is selfish. And everyone panicked and did that. Not just the parents. Not just the non-parents. Clearly all of us act selfishly. So why do parents get a pass? That's the question. That's the question I wanna hear your answer to. So this is what I would love you to text me about. Again, the link's at the very top of the show notes. It says, wanna share your thoughts, send a text. Please make sure to put your name in that text so I know who you are. I asked this question over on Threads and my friends, Amanda and Ry, both podcasters, incidentally, chimed in. I'm gonna share their answers and a discussion about it again over at the Super Cheveritas Substack. So go jump on that. It's free and you get a $5 coupon to a limited edition LVMC T-shirt. If you love LA or the Dodgers, you're gonna wanna get that shirt. It's all the things you love in one cool baseball tee. Anyway, I'm gonna end it there because you know what? Frankly, I am tired of unpacking this whole thing. I've got way more to talk about, like how men get to be childfree and no one judges them, but women. Oh my God. How dare you not wanna be a mother? How people pleasing plays into this. And also the weird dichotomy between how our society wants martyrs, but also insists that when we're on a plane, we put our own masks on first. My friend Dr. Dunbar of the Be Well, Sis podcast also recently weighed in on how assertiveness can feel like aggression, thanks to social engineering. And that's all packed up in there. But again, I'm gonna save that for the Super Cheveritas over on Substack. Let's recap. True selfishness exists, but we need to stop conflating it with simple self-respect. Self-centeredness is a feature, not a bug of the human condition. We hope that as people mature, they start seeking out diverse points of view, new perspectives, outside the box thinking. Unfortunately, that isn't always the case. Some people are plain malicious, plain selfish, and too many others just don't have any curiosity or critical thinking abilities. Whether or not a person is generous with their time, their gifts, or their resources doesn't really matter to our society, if they only see not having kids as a selfish act. And if you have a problem with that, you're in the right place. This is what we talk about here. And we'll talk more about it next time too. For now, that's a burrito. Hey, mira! If this episode made you feel some kind of way, dígame! Dm me on Instagram. Or send me a text, you can do that right from your phone. If you wanna be a guest on the show and put your story out there too, check out the guest form on my website at PauletteEradt.com/guest. Yep. Just my name, PauletteEradt.com/guest. Y no se te olvide que hay más perks when you join the newsletter. Todos estos links estan en los show notes. Muchísimas gracias for your support y hasta la próxima vez, cuídate bien.