Create The Best Me

How You Reclaim Pleasure in Midlife

• Carmen Hecox • Episode 120

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Ever find yourself thinking, “Isn’t midlife supposed to be more fun?” You’re not alone, and that’s exactly why today’s episode, “How You Reclaim Pleasure in Midlife,” is such an important listen. I’m joined by the fabulous “pleasure queen,” Natty Frasca, a coach for midlife women dedicated to helping us rekindle joy, purpose, and playfulness as we navigate this pivotal chapter of life.

In this conversation, Natty and I break down what it really means to reclaim pleasure in midlife. We talk about why pleasure isn’t selfish or frivolous but absolutely essential. You’ll learn why most of us have lost touch with what lights us up, how “mom guilt” and old scripts hold us back, and most importantly, how small acts of joy can become life-changing.

If you’re ready to stop living on autopilot, reconnect with your desires, and show up as the most vibrant version of yourself (for you and everyone you love), this episode will give you the practical tools and encouragement to start reclaiming your pleasure right now. 

What You'll Learn:

  1. Why pleasure is a vital part of midlife wellness, not a selfish indulgence
    Understand how prioritizing your own joy has a positive impact on everyone around you.
  2. Simple ways to start reclaiming pleasure even when guilt shows up
    Learn Natty’s “compounding pleasure” technique and start with tiny, guilt-free steps.
  3. Reconnect with your true desires and sense of aliveness
    Discover why so many women forget what they want, and how to gently rediscover it.
  4. Model resilience and joy for your children and community
    See how your transformation can inspire the next generation to embrace pleasure and self-love.
  5. Concrete first steps for your own midlife pleasure journey
    Try Natty’s “desire ritual,” get micro-action ideas, and learn how to find the right circle of support.

Call to Action:

Ready to reclaim your pleasure in midlife?
Learn more and access resources: https://createthebestme.com/ep120

Related Episodes:

🎧 Listen to this episode: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1949561/episodes/17204469 

Connect with Natty Frasca:
Website: https://thefemininerebellion.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thefemininerebellion

Free resource from Natty: https://thefemininerebellion.com/pleasure 

Have a story to share or questions about pleasure in midlife? Reach out to Natty or jump onto her email list for weekly inspiration! 

#Midlife #Pleasure #WomenEmpowerment #SelfCare #HowYouReclaimPleasureInMidlife #CreateTheBestMe #FeminineRebellion #MidlifeTransformation #SelfDiscov

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Have you ever caught yourself looking around and thinking, wait, am I even having fun? Trust me, I've been there. Or maybe you are looking at someone else and thinking, why does she always seem like she's having a blast and I'm stuck being responsible, boring, mom-like. Well, today my friend that's about to change. Today, I'm chatting with my personal dream girl, the fabulous Natty Fresca, the pleasure queen herself. We're going to unpack exactly why pleasure. Yes, pleasure isn't just a luxury, but a necessity, especially in midlife. And by the end of this episode, you're going to see exactly why, embracing pleasure might just be your secret superpower. Ready? Let's dive on in. Natty Frasca, welcome to Create The Best Me, girl you are my dream girl. Welcome to the show. Thank you, Carmen. I'm so happy to be here. This is so fun to connect with you. It is. Hey, Natty, for the people that may not know who you are, could you please tell the listeners and viewers a little bit about who you are and what you do? Yeah, sure. So I am a coach for midlife women. I help women create lives that feel joyful, purposeful, and pleasureful. And, I'm the founder of The Feminine Rebellion, that is the name of my organization and I coach women privately. I have a boutique, you know, bespoke practice where I work with women for one year at a time to just create lives that feel really great to wake up to. And you also are a fellow podcaster, is that correct? I am, I have a podcast called The Feminine Rebellion, where we talk all about pleasure, power, and purpose at midlife. And, you know, I happen to have a science background, so I dig into the brain and also the body and give tools on, on how to live more of an expansive life at, at midlife, which is, you know, this is our, our midlife is our superpower, Carmen, that's what I believe. That's what I call it. I always say, this is our time to live the life that we want, always wanted to live not the one our parents wanted us to live, or our spouse or our kids. Exactly. This is it. And I, and I love this point because at this point in our lives, you know, we have walked through so many fires, right? I mean, we have experienced heartache, grief, you know, and celebration. And we've had kids glorious moments and hard moments of motherhood. But we are so wise, and this is just a crucial. A crucial age, a, a crucial like pivot point in our lives where we get to choose what the next 50 plus God willing years are like. So it's uh, it's a great time to be alive. It certainly is. So this is also the particular time in our life where we might be lacking pleasure. And so that's why I invited you on to the show because you are the pleasure queen. I am, I am, yeah. Pleasure is my middle name, I say. And I mean, I'd love to talk more about it. I think when I, when people first hear me say, you know, women need more pleasure, their minds automatically go to the hypersexual. And you know, they're not necessarily wrong, Carmen. And there is an entire spectrum of pleasure available to women at every age, but it becomes really important at mid age. And everything from sitting, outside eating your lunch in the sunshine. Or hearing your favorite song come on, on the radio and dancing in your kitchen. Or sitting on your couch with a fire in the fireplace with a hot cup of tea and, and reading your favorite book. Those are all considered pleasure in my book. And if we could define pleasure; pleasure, in its simplest form is anything that gives you or your body a sense of aliveness. A sense of expansion. It's a practice that gets us out of our heads and into our bodies. And, you know, women especially women in the workplace, as parents, we've been enculturated to always be in our heads, right? We're like, we've spent, decades making lists, deliberating, analyzing data, and we have forgotten about how we want to feel as we move through the world. And, and pleasure and pleasure practices bring us back into our bodies and remind us how we want the second act to feel. So it's, I could go on and on. I don't wanna about pleasure and the benefits, but it benefits our brains. It benefits our communities. It's, it really is. It's a healing bomb that women should be diving into. And how do we remove the guilt? Because I think that guilt gets in the way of being Yeah. able to embrace pleasure. I think it's a choice, Carmen. I think we have to make the choice and we can start small. So I practice with my clients something I call compounding pleasure. So, we start by doing pleasure research. So they spend a week or two weeks, like a very early on in, in my coaching with them, where they just go around their world normally, but exploring what brings me pleasure, because every woman is different. So what are the things that make me feel alive? The smallest, smallest things, you know? For me it's walking in the woods with my dogs every morning. It's something I do all the time. It's pretty simple, but when I'm actually thinking about how it's making me feel when I'm sunk into gratitude in the moment where I'm not listening to a podcast, I'm not on my phone, I'm not, I don't have earphones in, I'm listening to birds. That's maybe something that a woman in my practice would identify in this pleasure research, part of our program. You know, something else might be, just having fresh flowers around. Or having, you know, I have next to me almost all the time, my favorite lippy. So like, when I'm working at my desk, it has like a little scent to it. Like I put it on my lips, it's glossy. I love the color, these are things that we can begin to experience, that are kind of guilt free. Like having fresh flowers on your desk. You know, maybe wearing a sexy pair of underwear underneath your suit. You know, like these are small guilt free pleasures. And what we do is we build on that. So we start small and then what's next, can we expand. You know there's something that's happening in your brain as you begin to do more and more things for yourself. You begin to create new neural pathways in your brain. So pleasure it, it starts to feel safe. So the reason we don't, engage in pleasure, that guilt, we feel, it feels unsafe to us. You know, what are people gonna think of us if we, all of a sudden take time for ourselves. Or what about all the other things on our list that are getting pushed to the bottom that I should do, but instead I am taking care of myself. So we have to build safety slowly. And the brain loves pleasure. The brain loves pleasure. Like the more you engage in pleasure your brain releases dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin. These are three incredible chemicals for motivation, for just a sense of expansion, for connection with ourselves and with others. So when women engage in pleasure, even in the smallest ways, we show up differently. Like, when I take care of myself, I'm so much kinder to my husband, right? I'm, I'm a better mother. I check out at the grocery store and I engage with my checkout guy. You know, I smile more. I am just more connected to humanity. So yeah, that would be my answer, compounding pleasure and, yes, it serves everyone, not just you. Mm-hmm. And you know, it's so funny, I used to always tell my older kids this, because I have a younger child, it's like 20, my kids are like 20 years apart. Wow. I used to always tell my older kids when they would say they didn't like themselves, I said, you know if don't love yourself and if you don't care for yourself and you treat yourself good, you can't treat other people. You can't love other people. You can't engage with other people, Mm, It's true. You're useless to the world, if you cannot start loving here first. Yes. Oh, you're a good mama, Carmen. So, yeah, it, it's so true. It's like that age old, you know, saying that you need to put your oxygen mask on first. So, yeah, pleasure is a way to do that. Like deep self-care awareness. You know, I'm doing this for me, I'm filling my cup, and when I do fill my cup, I'm better. Everyone's better for it. Everyone's better for it. Yeah, they get the best version of you. Yes. And this is, I mean, this was my, my journey. I mean, I was a burned out, non-profit executive, early in my forties. And, I was a mom who was doing it all. I mean, I making organic meals and keeping a clean house and working full-time. And I was so numb and I was so exhausted and I was pretty cranky. And when I started learning about pleasure and self-care and you know, did all these trainings and went to coaching school and learned the power of really deeply taking care of yourself; I mean, even my kids today who are, you know, 21, 20 and 17, we'll say, remember before mama started doing this work. Remember her before. Remember how stressed out she was? Remember how sharp she was? And now I'm just like, it starts here. And it's funny cause I think that you can see that. Cause I've always been like the kind of mom that, oh, I gotta be proper, I have to be respectful, I have to look right you know it's just like I have to dress like a mom, be conservative. Yeah. And then I'd see other moms that were the total opposite of, who I thought I needed to look like or be like, Mm-hmm. I'm like, oh my gosh, they look like they're having fun. Yes. Am I having fun? Mm. No, I'm not really having fun. Great question, Carmen. You know? And I would say, am I fun to be around? Or Yeah. would people rather be with Natty? Yeah. Because Natty looks fun and I just look mom. Oh yeah. It's, it's a harsh realization. Right. And you know, the thing is, what you speak to Carmen is this idea that we've been fed about what a good woman and what a good mother looks like, feels like and behaves like. So we've been given a very well prescribed pathway on how to be accepted by society. So we're, we're pulled together. We are professional, we are, you know, strict parents with strong moral codes and I mean, I'm all for morality, right? I'm all for like ethics and being good human beings, but there is this like good woman box that we are trying to shove our way into. And I think women get to a point in midlife many women where they feel so numb and exhausted from trying to be something they're not. By trying to play by the rules when just like you said, you have this realization like, I'm not really having fun. This isn't fun. And I'm pretty sure that life is about having fun, enjoying myself, enjoying my family, enjoying all of the fruits of my labor. I really think, and being a good neighbor and being a good friend and, taking care of ourselves and taking care of others. So we can do that and be a little bolder and a little bit more audacious, and speak our desires and take care of ourselves. They can all happen at the same time. And you know, my daughter, my, I have a 12-year-old that's my youngest. Mm. She'll come home and she'll tell me some of the stories that happened at school, some of the things that some of the kids have said. And I always say, you know, kids are sponges. They learn from their parents. Yes. And I heard myself saying that, and I'm like, oh my goodness. If I'm not having fun being who I am, hmm. she's my little sponge. She's not gonna have fun being who Yes. is because she's absorbing, she's learning Yes, from me. Yes, Yeah, great, great realization. It's like, you know, what do we wanna be showing, especially our daughters. So, you know, I have two daughters and a son. So my daughters are 21 and 20, and it became really clear to me, you know, when I was kind of going through this transformation that I wanted to show them what a brave, bold, alive, woman looked like, felt like, and moved through the world. And you know, I've said this a million times, I do this work for myself, but I do it for my daughters and my son because I want him to find a partner who is alive and speaks her desires and has strong boundaries and puts herself first. And so, yeah, doing it for your daughter. Showing her what it looks like to have her mom dancing in the kitchen, you know, and, feeling, fully alive and wearing what she wants to wear and speaking up for herself. I mean, that's, that's the greatest lesson. That's the best thing we can give our daughters. I mean, think about it, have you ever had a friend, I mean, I'm pretty sure we all have them, Yeah. who you say, well, what do you wanna do? I don't know. What do you wanna do? Mm, yes. And it gets boring. You're like NO tell, me something you want. Have an opinion and share that. Yes. Well, I think it's so, this is so normal, Carmen. I mean that women, we don't even know what we want. And you know, I've said this before, see, I believe that underneath the surface, of our everyday life is a very bold, audacious woman who knows exactly what she wants. She knows exactly what she wants, and yet we have not made contact with her in so long. So, you know, by the time a, girl is seven years old, she has been conditioned to not speak her desires. And so from seven to, you know, many decades later, we have lost touch with this part of ourselves that knows that, you know what, tonight I really want spicy Thai food. Or tonight I just want a cheesy romcom and popcorn. Or tonight I wanna go dancing. She's not connected with this woman inside her who knows what she wants. And that's actually where pleasure comes in because when you begin to create access to the part of you that feels and you think, oh, this is, this makes me feel good. And then this doesn't make me feel good, you can start to kind of delineate or identify, what makes you feel alive and what makes you feel numb. And that's where you can start to make decisions about how you want to lead your life or what you say yes to, what you say no to, what you want to eat tonight, what you wanna do on a special night out with a girlfriend. It just, it just comes because you're developing that connection with that part of yourself. Mm-hmm. And I think that in midlife is when I think that we take, we start to look a little bit deeper and we can see that woman or that girl. Mm-hmm. that once was blossoming, Yes. but then we tucked her away. Yeah. And this is the time when we can express and let her out. Yes, yes. We can water her, we can fertilize her. We can do all the things to nourish and take care of her so she can bloom again. Yes, this is it. I mean, this is, it's such a powerful time. And you know, for many of us at this point, you know, our kids are older if we had kids and we've got a little bit more space and a little bit more freedom. And I think this is why at this time of our lives, women are asking themselves these questions like, wait, what do I want? How do I wanna water myself? What's possible for me? And you know, I had a client recently whose mother passed away in her nineties, and that was the wake up call. She said, okay, I'm devastated my mother has passed and it is a just this kind of reckoning that my time is limited. And I've been placed on this earth at this moment in time to live a good life and I better make use of this time. And, she's right. She's right. Why else are we here? Why else are we here? But then you have those people that say tomorrow, I'll do it tomorrow. Mm. today's not a good day tomorrow. Yeah. Well, tomorrow never comes. That's the thing is that, a woman who makes the choice. You make the choice right now to do things differently. You make the choice right now to step off of life on autopilot and step into, you know, a brave new world of possibility because really anything's possible, Carmen. Like, I truly believe this. I don't believe in limitation. I believe if you wanna write a book, if you want to take women on retreat. I have a, client who recently, you know, left her husband of 26 years. She'd been thinking about it for two decades and took a sabbatical in Italy and she texted me last week. She's like an entirely different human being. You know, anything is possible. Like you just have to decide. It's one choice. Mm-hmm. It's that simple. Well, the limitation, I think is your belief that you say, it's not gonna happen or it's not gonna work out. And so you plant that limiting belief that Yeah. no, no, I'm just gonna keep going cause I've gone 50 years like this and it's okay. Mm, And okay is not, no, in my opinion okay, is not good enough. It's not okay. Is not good enough. And you know, I think a lot of women get hooked on this idea that like, what if, what if I decide to do this big thing and it doesn't work out? And so there's fear that holds them back from making a decision they feel like they really should make, but you know what, if it doesn't work out. And my belief, and what I always say is it might not be this thing, but it will be something even better. Mm-hmm. Like if you know what you're doing right now isn't working, you have to take little turtle steps in the direction of what you want, and then we readjust. We readjust, we go step-by-step by-step by-step; and it's like walking up a mountain. There are seven different trails to get you to the peak. You know, you can switch trails, you can do things differently. You can bush whack your way up. You can hire a coach, a guide that will get you there a little bit faster, but it's just the choice to climb the mountain. Am I gonna climb the mountain today? Am I gonna lace up my boots? Or am I just gonna camp out in the parking lot? Mm-hmm. Or we think about that one decision that we had to make in life way Hmm. years ago, and we thought it was something big and it was tough, Hmm but we made that decision and along the way as we were walking down this path that we decided to take, hmm. maybe there was a little, bit setbacks here and there, Mm but then you look at who you became because you took that big step. Yes. You wouldn't be who you are today or you wouldn't have accomplished what you accomplished had you not taken that first step. And so it's just a matter of taking another big step; here you are in your midlife Mm-hmm. taking another big step. Yeah. And setbacks, setbacks are gonna happen. Oh, ab. I mean, when I look back, I remember like, oh my God, I was sick to my stomach about the choice to leave my job. You know, I didn't know what I would do. You know what could I possibly do for work? Or what would I work? And I, I was, I would lay in bed thinking this is the wrong thing. I've really, I've ranked up in my career. I'm throwing it all away. But I'm, ahh I went back and forth for so long. I left my job, in 2017, I think, and I had no idea. I mean, I wish I could share a picture, of what I looked like back then. I mean, I just, I've completely transformed in eight years or resurrected a part of myself that had been buried. And so many twists and turns. I mean, becoming an entrepreneur is not for everyone. Having to show up in a different way. Learning how to use my voice. So many moments, you know, crying on the floor of my office thinking this is not gonna work. I mean, it twists and turns galore. And you know, then you kinda land at a spot, you have moments of glory that keep you going, and that's life, right? It's we all, nothing's easy. It's not like, you know, we always are going to, the more you grow, the more roadblocks you hit and the more you have to overcome your fear. And, that's just, that's I think a sign that you're growing and you're going towards something, is that when things feel hard, you're like, wow, I'm in it. I'm in, I'm in the growth. Mm-hmm. And then you look back now you look at how many lives you've changed Mm along that way. Mm. That makes me wanna cry. Yeah. I've worked with some incredible women and, they changed their own lives and I got to be an integral part of that. Which, I mean, gives me purpose, gives me a sense of like I'm contributing to the world. And it's not so different from non-profit in that, you know, I feel like I'm giving back. So it's, wouldn't change it for the world. All, all the days crying on my office floor or like. All the days feeling that uncertainty that I screwed up. I shouldn't have done this. I should have stayed. Mm. Mm-hmm. I, you know what? I never had that. I never had, I never had the thought I should have stayed in my old job. I'm a very, you know, look forward. I have had moments where I thought maybe I would stop this and do something else. You know, early on in my business, like this is, it's hard to grow a business, right? But I never thought, once I got a taste of working with women coaching women, it was never, never thought about going back to non-profit work. And you know, I hear a lot of the same things with clients. I've worked with a number of women who have left, decades long marriages. That they thought like, I'm just gonna stick this out. This is fine. It's not horrible, you know, it's not great. I'm not really happy, but it's stable. And they've gotten to a point where they have kind of pulled the bandaid off and left. And, it's not easy. It is not easy. But none of them have ever said to me, and I've walked a lot of them through this, I should have stayed. I've never heard that. Like as hard as it might be to date again or handle lots of things in life on your own; no one's ever said to me, I'd go back. So I think we have an incredible ability or capacity to, I don't know, to, to forge. To move through hard things. We're, we're far more capable than we think we are. To recognize that this is hard, but it's not bad. Yeah, it's hard and I'm doing it. It's hard and I have support. It's hard, and I'm moving towards something. You know, something that I want. I think that's, you know, anchoring in this future vision is, is so important. That's kind of fuel to keep you going. Tell us. I know you've told us a couple success stories but, Mm-hmm. tell us a particular success story that just hits you right here. Just right here. That one person that really had this, not really self-doubt, but they were scared, but they knew it was time for change. I mean, the first person that's coming up is this woman I just got the text from, you know, where she sent me that photo from Italy. Because she was married to a really nice guy. He was not a jerk. He was a really nice human being. And, I'm trying to think. I just don't wanna talk, too much about. I just have to think for a minute about giving private information. Obviously not gonna give her name, but I don't wanna give too many details. So very nice guy. They hadn't had sex in a decade. He wasn't that sexual of a human being and she was just coming into her prime. You know, she was 50 and feeling alive. And she really struggled because she has two kids and you know, now both very recently out of the house and in college. And she just thought, what do I want in my life to look like? And this guy is a really good father and she struggled with how to leave the marriage in like a kind way. You know, how do I walk away and not like, make him feel bad or break apart my family? And we explored all sorts of different kind, beautiful, gentle ways. And it started with a lot of really intense conversations with him and really getting clear on what she wanted her life to look like and feel like, and how much she loved him. And it seemed like this was a hurdle that they couldn't get past. And you know, they split semi-amicably. And, she has a lover and, and she's on sabbatical and she's in Italy and she's dressed fabulous with a big hat on and taking pictures in a farmer's market with a big smile on her face. And she's managed to have a, a pretty good relationship with her ex. And, it was a very, very hard thing to move through. And a lot of guilt and a lot of like, how could I be so selfish? But there was a part her that was not being fulfilled a very big part of, a part of her that was making her feel alive. Oh God, yes, she felt dead inside and she felt not wanted. And there's so much that is; there is so much tied into our sexuality and desire and wanting to be desired by our partners. And wanting that intimacy and actually needing that intimacy, you know, physically, you know, chemically needing that in our lives. So that would be, that would be the story that's on the kind of tip of my tongue these days. So Natty, based on the conversation we have had, here today, what are three pieces of advice that you would give the listener or the viewer Hmm. who knows have that little girl, that young girl deep down Yes. inside them Yeah. and they wanna let her out Hmm. but don't know how? Sure. Where I would tell someone to start is I would carve out an hour for themselves and I would do something I call the desire ritual. Which is, put on something yummy and delicious, maybe it's just your pajamas, but maybe it's a silk dress. Pour yourself something nice to drink and grab your journal and answer a few questions. Like, if in a year my life was absolutely magnificent, you know, how would I wake up on a Saturday morning? Who would be with me and how would I feel? What would Monday morning look and feel like? You know, how would I move through the world? What would I wear? Start to create a vision of this woman, this woman who's underneath the surface of her everyday life, how she moves through the world. And bring that into your mind. Bring that into your body. And then I would pick one thing to do that week that is kind of the embodiment of this boulder you. And I guess another thing I would do, maybe the third thing is I would share it with a friend. I would share your desires with a friend, a close friend. Say, you know I did this thing, it's the desire ritual, and I have this vision for what I want the next stage of my life to look like, and this is what it looks like. And I would share it with a safe friend because we have some friends who are naysayers, don't share it with that friend. Share it with the girl who always has your back. Share it with the woman who's your, your yes girl. Your Go for it girl. If you don't have that girl, DM me and I'll cheer you on. Begin to bring her to the surface, share it with another woman, and then take one tiny little step. So if your dream is to, start painting again. If you see yourself on Saturday morning in an art studio, painting on a canvas, your one little turtle step could be Googling, studio space in your town or Googling painting lessons. But just the micro, micro step towards what that could look like. I think that'll get people pretty far. Mm-hmm. What we've spoken here today, what is the one thing that you would want the listener or the viewer to hold close to their heart? Mm, Your age is your superpower. You are exactly where you need to be right now. And you're absolutely divine. So let's go get it. Let's go get that life you want. It's totally possible. I love that. That is so good. Natty where can people learn more information about you and begin to work with you? Yeah, sure. Well my website is the femininerebellion.com, so there's a lot of information there. I'm also on Instagram at the Feminine Rebellion, and you could DM me. Or hop on my email list, there's links to that everywhere. I send out a couple emails every week with tips and tools. So would love to stay connected with anyone in your audience would really be a pleasure. Great. I will include all of your information in my show notes. And Natty, thank you so much for coming on the show. This is a pleasure. Thank you, Carmen. This is so great. What a great way to spend my Monday. Heck, yeah. Alright. Thank you. All right. Take care. And there we have it. Remember at the beginning when we were thinking, maybe your the boring mom and not the fun one. Well, no more of that. Natty showed us exactly why embracing pleasure isn't selfish, it's essential. And guess what? When you start having fun, everyone around you wins too. If today's episode resonated with you and you're ready to keep the good vibes rolling, head on over to createthebestme.com/ep120 to connect with Natty and learn more about bringing pleasure back into your life. And be sure to join us next week for another amazing episode, created just for you. Until then, keep dreaming big, take care of yourself. And remember, you are beautiful, strong, and capable of creating the best version of yourself. Thank you for watching. Catch you next week. Bye for now.