Create The Best Me

Stop Chasing the "Spark" - It’s a Trauma Response

• Carmen Hecox • Episode 135

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Are you caught up in the thrill of chasing that elusive “spark” when dating, only to find yourself in another unfulfilling relationship? You’re not alone, and it might be time to see the spark for what it really is. In this episode, I’m joined by expert dating and relationship coach Bern Mendez, who specializes in helping women in midlife finally break free from painful dating patterns and attract genuinely available partners.

In “Stop Chasing the ‘Spark’ – It’s a Trauma Response,” Bern Mendez shares his expertise on why that intense chemistry you’re seeking could actually be the result of unresolved trauma, not true compatibility. Together, we explore the science behind attraction, how past wounds shape who you’re drawn to, and the concept of attraction blind spots that keep you stuck in repetitive cycles. Bern lays out practical steps for identifying your true needs, confidently expressing your must-haves, and establishing healthy boundaries without guilt or fear of being alone.

If you want to understand why you keep falling for the wrong people and are ready to reset your approach to love, this episode delivers empowering, actionable insights to help you build the relationship you truly deserve. 

What You’ll Learn:

  • Why the “spark” can be a trauma response—not a sign of lasting emotional compatibility
  • How attraction blind spots are formed and how to recognize them in your own dating life
  • How to separate genuine relationship needs from wish-list items, so you can express your must-haves without guilt
  • The power of boundaries and delayed gratification in creating trust and true intimacy
  • Step-by-step strategies for healing from heartbreak and shifting your dating patterns as a woman over 40

Call to Action: 

Ready to change your story? Like, share, and SUBSCRIBE, then comment below: What relationship blind spot are you ready to leave behind? 

📕 Resources: 

https://createthebestme.com/ep135

https://bernmendez.com/ 

https://www.youtube.com/@BernMendez

Discover your attraction blind spot with Bern’s free quiz: https://go2.bucketsurveys.com/sf/cc11a9b3 

Book a private session with Bern Mendez: https://bernmendez.com/private-coaching/ 

#MidlifeDating #DatingAdvice #BernMendez #CreateTheBestMe #RelationshipPatterns #EmotionallyAvailable #DatingOver40 #AttractionBlindSpots #HealthyRelationships #Boundaries #HeartbreakRecovery

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Have you ever thought all the good men are gone or joked about spending your midlife years and beyond with a cat instead of a partner? Well, my guest might just change your mind about that. Today I'm joined by Bern Mendez, a Tony Robbins trained dating and relationship coach who has helped hundreds of women across the globe break free from painful relationship patterns and finally attract emotionally available committed partners. Bern's work blends from neuroscience, real world relationship strategies and a personal mission born from his own experience. Ladies, especially if you're over 40 and navigating the complexities of midlife dating, this one's for you. Stick around because by the end of this episode, you'll discover your own attraction blind spots and how to confidently express your must-haves without guilt. Bern Mendez, welcome to Create the Best Me. Oh my goodness, I am totally shocked. I am star shocked. Welcome to the show. I am super excited, Carmen. Thank you for inviting me. So I'm, I'm looking forward to this conversation. Yes, Bern, before we begin to talk about what we, what we are going to talk about today, could you please tell the listeners and viewers a little bit about who you are and what you do. Yeah. My name is Bern, Bernardo but Bern is easier to pronounce Mendez. And I'm a dating and relationship coach focusing on women in midlife. And this is something that has been a passion of mine for many years. I've had the blessing of helping hundreds of women around the world to find the love of their lives. And for some of them that means getting married. For some of them that means a life partnership. And for some of them it means a family. But, uh, typically the way I do it is I connect with someone and figure out what's preventing her, not just externally, but internally, from finding that human being. And then work on making some changes, you know, some simple changes. With time that create that inner radiance and inner expression and then allow that person to find the resonance match in, in a fraction of the time it would usually take. So Bernardo, tell me why women in midlife? You know, I think most people would say he's a man. You know, he should be focusing on men, you know, men in midlife. Yeah, it's a good question. And I mean, it, it didn't always start this way. Uh, after doing, uh, I started helping women and the reason I started helping women first before men is because when I launched my content channel in YouTube, uh, women were watching my, my content, I, I didn't specify this is content for women. But, and then through many conversations, I found out that on the areas that I was helping people in relationships was the really, I mean, sore point for many of them. And then I started applying the skills that I have, uh, developed over the years for life situations into relationships. And then that's how it started. And now, I mean, in terms of midlife, well first of all, 'cause I'm about to turn 50, uh, so that, that's more of my age group. But also, uh, women are having bigger challenges than men in, in terms of dating. And women in midlife having especially challenging these days. For many reasons that we can discuss throughout the, the, the program. But I think that this is a time where if you are an intelligent woman who is self-sufficient, who has a decent income and who went to college, the odds are typically in most countries, maybe 10 women for six men. So that's the first of maybe 30 statistics that make it more challenging. So because of that, the all the advice of just be yourself or it will happen when it happens and just relax. It doesn't work. And my whole approach is not to, maybe get depressed by the data because the data can feel overwhelming. But to look at the data and say, how can we get this result despite the odds against us? And that's been my focus, figuring how to tweak the variables that are within our control, which have nothing to do with how many awesome men are out there, but how can we show up in such a way that be in the right rooms and express the right way, uh, that's it, really resonant with who we are. And then ask the right questions and slow down so we can meet someone and not maybe jump the gun too early and feel attached to someone who's not a good match for us, even though it might feel great in the moment. Yeah, and I've heard you talk about, attraction blind spots. Could you please describe a little bit in greater details what that is? Yeah, a blind spot is something that you can't consciously perceive, but it's deeply affecting the way you act in life. In this specific case, attraction blind spot is Carl Jung said it best, he said, uh, ''Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will run your life and you will call it faith.'' That's the essence of a blind spot, you know? So imagine that you are someone who feels that there's no one attractive around you. I mean, you don't, you can't find anyone who's attractive. And it's not that there's not attractive people around you, maybe not the majority of people, but some people are attractive. But maybe there's something inside, it's a protection mechanism of your nervous system, that uh, has experienced trauma earlier in life, and if you were to find people attractive, you would get hurt. So your brain just says, Hey, there's no one attractive. And then you really, can't get past that. Or maybe there's an idea that someone has that she only attracts unavailable men. And that might feel very real to that woman, but the problem is never who you attract is who you give attention to. So in this case, the problem isn't, I'm attracting John, who's really charismatic but's unavailable, is like, I'm giving time to John. For some reason that it's, I'm unaware of, and I find Carl, who is far more steady, not attractive at all. So a blind spot would be what is your nervous system conditioned to. What is your thermostat? So we can, if need be, switch it around a little bit, change the temperature, and then help you to go for something that is not lowering of your standards, but it's actually a fuller connection and a fuller expression, uh, of a person who's really resonant with your values instead of just maybe that initial sense of spark. So, I mean, those are two examples, but typically blind spots would, having had many conversations, I mean, I'm, I'm talking thousands of conversations

with women, I can say that it's:

if you're inside a cereal box, it's hard to read the label on the outside. So if you've played chess for a long time, then there's, somebody starts playing with you, you can see that they're making a specific opening. So it's not just moves, it's a specific sequence of events. And part of the thing that a blind spot for someone who understands blind spots in this specific area is what are the patterns of being thought expression, and also past experiences that prevent someone from noticing something that, to me might be blatantly obvious, but to that person may feel like the universe is against her. Is that sort of like, you know how like sometimes maybe you have a friend who's dating somebody and you can see all of the red, what we call red flags. And that person who is involved with that person who has these red flags, they don't see it because they're so into, I want this relationship to work. Yeah. That happens and, and it's not just that they want it to work, is that there's something happening inside them. Their neurobiology is, making them think that that's the best person for them. Also their past ideas, uh, their past beliefs. I mean, in many cases it's trauma, you experience something. I mean, I'll give you a specific example. If you were in a home and your home was very chaotic, maybe your mom or dad or both were very inconsistent with the way they showed up for you. And maybe one of them was really disrespectful or even abusive, and you were constantly trying to get their love by making yourself small, by not expressing too much, right. So that's the thermostat that I was talking about. The thermostat set up, maybe 70 degrees. And the type of connection you want is 90 degrees, you know. But when you go out into the world, that's your home. And that's what feels safe for you, even though safe is painful. So you connect with someone who maybe has those qualities and there's some part of you that's finely tuned to kind of gauge that maybe that I'm gonna get to play out right now, getting my dad's love. And it's not your dad, it's this dude who is very charismatic, but has this essence, you know, maybe he's dismissive like your dad was, or maybe he's slightly on edgy in a way that's not healthy. So women say to me all the time, Hey, I don't know, it's something about this guy. It's just almost like a magical quality. No, no, it's not magical quality. It's your dad or your mom right. And sometimes it's somebody else. But, typically there's something that attracts us to someone and sometimes not for the right reasons. And at the beginning of our relationship, because there are so many hormones and there's so much stuff happening inside here that, uh, it's equivalent to maybe, um, somebody who's doing cocaine for example; that's how strong it is. So to just thoughtfully say, well, this person's not good for me, you can't. Sometimes it's really hard to do that, and that's why getting outside perspective, and that's why slowing things down and that's why optimizing for something other than the spark. Which is what many human beings, both men and women, are subconsciously tuning for. People say all the time, I want somebody who's kind, charismatic. And when push comes to shove, they want to feel really intensely alive. And those qualities sometimes go out the window. And when they go out the window, then uh, you get this attachment, you know? Because the more you spend time with someone, the more attached you get. And then you realize that that person you're attached to is really bad for you, but you can't get out.'Cause you've invested a little too much in it and 'cause you feel very attracted and because maybe you tell yourself, I've never felt so much for someone. But, uh, I like to talk about positive negative equations. You know, if you at five and you remove 10 plus five, minus 10 is minus five. So many of these humans were in relationships like that have the experience, but look at all the good things and that's the plus five. But the minus 10, they're not looking at, you know. So at the end of the day, uh, it ends up being a, it takes a little while for that system to settle and to kind of start seeing the red flags that they missed out on. Yeah. So tell me, Bern, how can women be able to actively communicate to the person that they're involved with, what are their needs? These are things that I must have without feeling guilty? Or feeling like, oh, he's gonna walk out? That's a great question because we really need to find out first for ourselves what are true needs versus nice to haves or wishes. You know, uh, authentic needs are one thing and for example, some people say, I have a need for the man to be six feet tall. Like, that's not a need that's a wish. And, and you could tell yourself, I mean, you could turn into a need if you want to. But maybe there's not a need to go all the way into doing that. But to answer your question, uh, when you recognize that there's a difference between wishes and needs; then you feel more embolden to be very clear with it what it is that you want. Because you're not thinking, am I asking for too much? And that's also why getting outside perspective is helpful. Because I've connected with people who have no list at all, and they're wondering why never get what they want. Or women who have a list of 55 items and mathematically impossible to fit all those things. So getting some perspective to figure out what's true needs are is part of it. But at the end of the day, it comes down to connecting with someone and stating. Let me give you an example, so make it more practical. Maybe you have a need to feel safety and emotional connection before you have sex with someone. I mean, and this is a very practical example of something that's high stakes for women. Because sometimes they connect with someone; it's not the guy that they're not interested in or the guy that is boring, but the guy that seems tall, dark, and handsome and very charismatic and maybe financially stable or financially wealthy even, uh, that they feel, well if I say this, he's gonna run away. But at the same time, if you don't say it, then you run the risk of that guy who might value boundaries, who might value someone who is worthy in her own right, because she knows that she can say no. Might feel less connection with you overall or might put you in the category of women I play with, but not introduce my mom. So it's a toss up on both ways. So if you understand that that's at stake, but also that even if he didn't want you, even if he didn't like you, the Russian roulette you're playing by connecting with him early on sexually is really high for you. Then you would say something like, Hey, I really feel attracted to you and I think you're a great guy. And I don't connect with guy sexually until I'm in in an exclusive relationship. So if you're into first connecting with me into getting to know me, then that might be a great area of exploration and we might have the most fun just right now, uh, it's too early for me. And then give him a chance to say, Hey, great. Or I don't like it. You know, so there's three types of responses you can have with something like that. One response would be where a guy says,"you know, what, I don't love that, but I'm willing to wait because I value emotional connection because also I wanna make sure that you're safe." So that's one response. Another response would be somebody who's like "absolutely woo kudos, and he's joyfully saying yes." Maybe not too many people will say that, but there's some guys who will say that. And there's the type of guy who's gonna say, "what's wrong with you" and try to push you and try to maybe guilt you and maybe even, uh, manipulate and coerce you into having sex. And, and that's a litmus test. If something that's vitally important to you for your safety, the guy can't step up, then, the guy's out. So it's boundaries are one of those things where it gives a guy, if they're clearly expressed, the opportunity to step up or step down. But either way, you end up winning long term. Now, winning long term doesn't mean that it feels fun or that it's comfortable, or that in that moment if the guy says, well, I'm out, that you're gonna be jumping up and down with excitement. But if you take something so easy, 'cause the principle we're talking about right now is delayed ratification, right? If a guy can't delay ratification for sex, there's 55 other areas in life and the relationship where this is gonna be a hellish experience for you. So if you are able to say, "hey I," 'cause you might also want to have sex with him. It's not like men wanna have sex and women don't, women many times wanna have sex. They just want a bit more safety and the certainty that if the guy connects with her that he's not gonna run away. That he's not having sex with other women. Which happens sometimes if people are just having sex on first, second dates, but maybe he just had sex with somebody last night and he is about to have some sex with somebody next weekend. And that probably won't feel good, especially you get attached to that person. So slowing down and being able to clearly state, here's what I want. What are your thoughts? Not, because if he thinks otherwise, if he says no, uh, you're gonna say, well, maybe I'll rethink it. But just to give him the benefit of the doubt to be able to express his point of view. And it's a conversation, but there, there's definitely a red line in the sand where, uh, if a guy doesn't want to honor that, then probably not the best fit for you. Exactly. Have you ever worked with someone who maybe she said, well, you know what, I always have sex the first, second time. Why is this Why is this important? I've never worked with someone like that! Of course, no, yeah. I've had many, many women who basically the first time in their life that they're actually start setting this boundary is through the work we're doing. And I say this with a lot of compassion because no one taught them otherwise. And because, uh, men tend to be really pressuring and, so it's, it's understandable. So I don't look at it as something like there's anything wrong with them. It's just they, they haven't had the understanding of how quickly, a human being can get attached to another human being when there's intimacy at that level. So the, the main reason I'll say why I recommend for them not to do that is because the level of attachment that will take place and the level of blinding from all the neurochemicals in your brain and nervous system that are at play will even if there's a challenge with blind spots, this is going to magnify the ability to see blind spots. So that's typically when human beings connect with someone who's not just neutral or maybe slightly not good for them, but many times abusive and toxic and physically abusive and sometimes. And I've encountered the situation where one of the reasons why somebody can't get out of that is because they feel so much biochemically with that person. And part of that has to do with what we spoke about, the thermostat, you know, the trauma and early life and the attachment style of the person, but also has to do with the level of, uh, attachment, taking place from deep intimacy. Oxytocin is a real thing. Haha So, uh, that's the first reason. Second reason is because, if the guy really wants a long-term relationship. And, and ' cause here's the thing, I get to work with women who don't just come with me 'cause they want a fling with a guy. I think anyone who is slightly adventurous can get a fling with a guy. Uh, put on a miniskirt, go to a bar, and there you go; you know. So that's typically not someone who's going to invest in working with me, but somebody comes to work with me, they want something long term. So, uh, what I say to them is, if you want something long-term, then slowing down the process of getting to know someone, will allow for that emotional investment to take place early on.' Cause here's what happens, if the guy connects with you, has sex early on; first of all, he's already evaluating basically how easy or how challenging it is. Now, I'm not saying every guy is like this, but many guys' minds if it's too easy and he didn't work for it, he's not going to value it as much. So that's the first thing that goes against you. Now, on top of that, when you connect with somebody early on and he's gauging basically what, uh, category of human he's gonna put you on, and again, I'm not saying this with pride or with excitement, but guys do this all the time without being aware of it. Uh, chick to play with or someone who's for serious relationship or all the way to church type of woman. So if you delay that process, then he's going to have to invest, emotionally first. And when you invest emotionally first, it's gonna be less likely. I mean, it's still possible that he's going to connect with you, have sex, and then forget about you. Why? Because there's more skin in the game because he's also attached to you. And when he's attached to you and there's emotional investment and then there's sex, then there's something far more meaningful for most people. I'm not saying I mean, in my view, it's not even about morally right or wrong. It makes it so much harder to evaluate what's real. It makes it easier to attach to the wrong person. It's far, far more likely that the guy is not gonna value, uh, and maybe discard you as disposable, which is not a cool feeling for anyone. And at the end of the day, uh, if you're able to hold the fort and say no, then the right person will step up and the wrong person will self-disqualify. And that's the win-win equation that I guide my clients with. It doesn't matter if he says no, if he says no, but it's for a good reason, then you shouldn't be with him, you know? And I think it sort of like says we're on the same playing field. We want the same thing. Whether you're a man or a woman; if you're both like saying, yeah, let's wait, let's wait, let's get to know each other first. Then you kind of, you know, you know, if it was me, I'd say, Hey, this guy really wants, he really wants something with me, not just in an adventure. Exactly, and you get to ask more questions, right? Because at the end of the day, if, if you really are thinking, I wanna spend the rest of my life with someone, that's a very challenging thing to experience with someone. And there's multiple, uh, I don't know, hurdles you're both going to go through. So you want to go through that maybe a challenging situation, and how does he solve it? You want to present the problem that you're facing and see if he's helpful or not helpful. You want to be vulnerable with him and see if he's respectful of the vulnerability or if he's going to use it as a, knife against you when he gets angry. You want to know that he's someone who you're in a restaurant is he going to be conscious and connect with you and look eye to eye or be looking at the waitresses, uh, skirt basically, which would not be a fun thing. So you, you get a chance to really iron out all those things. And if, and only if things feel consistent and compatible, then do you venture into a deeper level of intimacy that it doesn't guarantee that things will work out. But it diminishes the risk of something that could have actually worked out, not working. Or diminish the risk of something that was a blatantly bad experience for you from actually happening. How do you help women recover from heartbreak? You know, they started dating somebody. They said, here, this is what I want. This is what I need to have. And the guy says, bye. And now they're hurt because they're like, oh my gosh, I put in so much time and energy into this person and they left and I'm, I'm lonely again. Yeah. Well, the first thing is understanding. Because, there's a path, in the, I don't know, I mean, maybe not so much in therapy, but in coaching where there's almost like, okay, uh, dust off and just get going. Like, what, what's wrong with you? Like, you'll find someone else. And that's not what somebody wants to hear. Somebody wants to be understood. Somebody wants to really feel, that the person that, is helping them gets them. So the first thing is allow them to express what they're feeling and be heard. Because in being heard, you can also find out maybe a bit more of the, their thinking pattern, uh, their blind spots and maybe some areas of opportunity which may not be discussed immediately on that first encounter. But there's, ideas that start forming when you're able to hold space for someone. So the first thing is, my heart is with you and let's, let's hear you. The second part to that is start noticing what's the inner dialogue and what's the story the person's telling. Because the 50 people can go through the exact same experience and have 50 different experiences just because the story is different. So there's a difference between he left me because I'm not beautiful enough, or he doesn't know how to appreciate my beauty, and that's why he left me. Two different statements within the same experience, right? So part of the whole thing is helping them once they're, uh, more in their heart to figure out what is the real story that took place versus myth. And then, uh, empower that human being to figure out what can we do going forward to make sure that doesn't happen again. Because I think it's very normal for you to go through a painful experience and think that it's fate or that it's gonna happen again. And if we really take it, slow dive into what happened we can find out points in the relationship that are areas of opportunity for work. Maybe the person was always based on what they learned early in childhood, not speaking their truth. So by the time the guy in question left them, there have been 50 opportunities to express truth and they hadn't. And maybe at that point it was a very big gap that couldn't be crossed. Maybe the, what happened is the person in question here, the woman was very reactive to what the guy said. So instead of having a conversation with them, maybe she would get really upset and triggered and lash out at him and say things that she really regrets. But now the guy said, Hey, you know what like, I, I can't take this anymore. And then the woman's feeling, not just heartbroken, heartbroken and guilty. So, okay, well figuring out with that specific person, what can we do going forward when you get triggered to first identify it early on, then self-soothe your nervous system. So that you can start one action at a time rewiring so that you can do something else going forward. So I think there's something really powerful when you understand that you are not your behavior. I think a lot of people feel like, and there's a lot of shame going on because there's a myth saying, if you don't have what you want, then there's something wrong with you. And if you understand it's not something wrong with me, there's something that I need to improve on on my behavior. Then behavior's easier to change than your identity. So we work on behavior, we work on nervous system regulation, we work on expression of needs and boundaries. Clarification of values is really important, right. Because, maybe you missed out on some things that are essential for you. And can we learn something from that relationship, so next time we definitely go for that value. And if it's not present from the beginning, then we can say no thanks. So those past experiences, when we look deeply into them and we have new skills, tend to be an area of, maybe not, I'm jumping up with joy of excitement, but I can see how that helped me. I can use it for me instead of against me moving forward. And when your brain starts on that track of things, don't have to continue this way. It's not easy, but it's easier to let go of the past. Part of the reason why people don't get let go of the past is because pain, stocking pain means I don't have to face it again. So there's a secret payoff in being stuck. If somebody's not just heartbroken 'cause they broke up yesterday, but it's been, I don't know, three months and they're still heartbroken and a year and it's, there, there's a payoff for that unconsciously. And that payoff typically is as long as I stay in this pain, I don't have to put myself out there again. I don't have to go through the apps again, which is maybe a horrible experience for a lot of people. I don't have to be rejected. So it's kind of convenient unconsciously to stay in hurt. So once we understand the payoff and really viscerally feel it, then again it's easier to change it. So it's a combination of things. It's not a blank slate for everyone. But, it's really looking at how can we use that pain and how can we use the lessons that we, uh, endured through that pain to make sure that we minimize the risk or eliminate it if possible from it happening again. And then when your brain experiences, even if you're not where you want to be, that there's hope. Like the idea I give, uh, my clients the analogies, there's a dark cloud and it's raining and all of a sudden it doesn't stop raining, but there's a break in the clouds and you can see a bit of light coming in, that gives you hope. And that bit of hope is momentum. And when you have momentum and when you have progress, you go from, it's never gonna change to, I think it's changing, even though I'm not sure exactly how it's all gonna fit. But your brain starts wrapping around a new idea or a new frame, which is progress versus it's hellish right now, and it's going to continue being hellish for the rest of my life. And, you know, you mentioned something that made me just think, 'cause a lot of us want to, if our, we, you know, if we fail in a relationship, we always want to think that we failed in the relationship because they did something wrong. I didn't do anything I didn't do anything I was always in the right. And you pointed out, you, you talked about, you know, identifying certain behaviors and needing to course correct. How do you work with women where you have identified, well, you, you know, you took part in this by this behavior. Yeah, I think it's because it's not a black and white thing. I mean, relationships are not 50 50 sometimes in the way they end. It could be 90 10. There's still a 10% responsibility. So it depends on, on, I mean, really getting the facts straight and understanding that person and working with 'em for a little bit of time so you know what's real and what's not. But once you get a better sense of what's happening, then typically my method is through questions. Because if you just give somebody the answer like, here's what you did wrong. I mean, you could say that if you're pressed for time, you're never gonna see the person again. And you have to give them the one advice, uh, for the rest of their life. But if you're working with someone, then it makes sense to ask questions where somebody can actually see for themselves where they basically. So I could say, Hey, that was a horrible way to talking to him. Or I could ask someone, Hey, uh, if somebody talked to you that way, what would you feel? And that naturally causes someone to put herself in his shoes and then see it from a very different angle, that's very personal, very visceral, and say,"oh." And then when she gets that, then we can work on the alternative. But then I'm not trying to convince someone that they did something wrong. She understands that the behavior wasn't great and felt a bit of the essence of that. And then we can work on here are possibilities for the future. And then also a pre-planned because you're supposed to be this for the future, that's what your mind wants you to, to know. But what your heart will do when push comes to shove or what, if you get triggered, then it's a different thing. So part of the work that I help my clients do is not just on, I mean you can watch a lot of YouTube videos and get a lot of ideas, but then, uh, you go on a date and you freeze. Or the guy's pushing for something and you lash out instead of asking kindly no thanks. You know, and really was something that didn't require like a punch or something. So, part of the work is helping someone to not just intellectually understand it, but how do they integrate it in their heart and in their nervous system so when they get triggered and they will. Cause this is an area where if your triggers will come out, it's gonna be an intimacy. And romantic intimacy is one of the strongest ones of them all. So how can we pre-plan for those things? And when it happens, here's the plan of action. And when you're arguing with them, here's how we take a time out. So that you don't escalate to the point of now you're throwing nuclear weapons at each other. And it's like you can't take those things back. So it's with each client, which has a different maybe essence of a challenge is figuring out what's gonna be the trigger and what's going to be the plan of action when that trigger gets ex. And also how do you help someone identify, uh, I'm feeling triggered versus the world is against me. Because if you don't really consciously understand it, then you'll feel justified in your wrath or justified in your whatever it is that that's your default mechanism. And how do women in midlife find possible prospects? Because you know, a lot of us in our little bubble heads, we think that, men our age 50 and above, want the young girls, they don't want women like me. Hmm. Well, um, I would say this, there many ways of looking at this, but there's sufficient data, that even younger men are interested in women this age. So that, that's a, it's not just me saying it there's a lot of, uh, stats and even some not fun stats to talk about that, even the. I'll share right now, it's not something that I, that I think would be cool for people to go out and, experience, which is the biggest porn site in the world has a annual basically list of what people are watching. So I'm not advocating for people to go watch this porn site. But just that the research is interesting because the number two term basically for 2024, uh, was women and midlife basically. I'm not gonna say the term 'cause it's a little vulgar, but, that's what people are interested in. That's what men all over the world in different age groups are going for. The first category was something like animation wise. So that doesn't really count, but the first human category is, uh, women, uh, in this age group. So I think that's what people in secret are interested in and what they really want. So when you ask somebody in a survey, they'll tell you whatever they're gonna tell you, but the behaviors really show. So that's, just one stat of many that can give you an idea of what guys want. Now, what I would say to the question of, how do you find someone who's resonant, because there are many factors, including the first statistic that I gave you, right? And there's more, including when men, for example, get divorced and they've been, I mean, men who are married and went to college divorced at a 30% lower rate than men who didn't go to college. If you're looking for a guy who's educated and there's fewer guys who are replenishing the pool, so I could go on and on about the stats, but I don't wanna scare people. So what I'll say is that because the odds are so challenging, three things are very clear to me. Number one, you cannot, I mean, if you don't stand out, it's not gonna happen. And standing out doesn't mean getting surgery or buying any wardrobe. It means being more authentically you. Being more expressive. Being more unique. It's not that you have to work on, it's, you have to work on expressing your uniqueness.'Cause if you're expressing your uniqueness and there's a lot of noise out there, the guy who is meant for you or the human who is meant for you is going to find you more easily. So you have two things, two effects. A person who is not resonant with you is gonna say, no thanks quickly. So won't waste your time. And the guy who's more resonant with you is gonna say yes more quickly in terms of pursuing you. But you won't be in this no man's land where no one's giving you attention, no one's connecting with you, and you're thinking that it's because you're not beautiful enough. It's not, you're not beautiful enough. Like radiance trump's beauty every single day of the year. If you're not expressing your radiance 'cause you're not feeling it, that's a different story. So part of the work is how do you connect to that light within? How do you do the things that make you feel intensely alive? How do you regulate your nervous system? How do you really be a little bit more bold each day in terms of expressing who you are? That's the first step. Without that step, the other things I'm gonna share really don't matter. Because, it's like being in a room and, uh, whereas Waldo, and there's all these Waldos because all, everybody looks the same and feels the same. So after you do that, uh, the next thing is to really understand what your values are. If you're not clearing your values, then it's gonna be really hard for you to make decisions on men. Because you're going to naturally tend to go with what feels good and what feels good might be a bad thing for you because it's just excitement or sparks. Or you know that type of, uh, maybe love is first sight, which is not thing more than chemistry at first sight. That's what it's. So when you're, and part of the work that I help my clients is to really understand their values in a very practical way so they can make better decisions. Not something super complicated, but where they can make better decisions for themselves and for the guy. Now, after you do that, then it's really, really important to go through a process where you understand what are the nice to haves versus the musts. Because like for example, right now, let's give you a couple of categories. Uh, I've, 'cause I've worked with a lot of women and I, I've never se connected with a woman who says, I want a short guy ever, ever, ever. So all women want tall men. So, but some of those women want men who are six foot two or something. And this is a guy called Ty Tashiro who does this really cool exercise where, I mean, he's talking about this where if that's your first wish, let's say you have three wishes and your first one is, I want a guy who's six-foot-two minimum. In that first wish you eliminate 93% of men in America. And then you still have maybe 40 things on your list. So you're getting to the mathematical impossibility of finding all those things on your list. So what I tell my clients do is, if that's not a must, let's put it as a, maybe. If the college education is, some clients say, but he has to be college educated. Why does he? There's plenty of people who have incredible businesses, who are self-taught, who are doing amazing things, who are purposeful, but they don't have college degrees. So if you have that as a category, then you're gonna tune out a lot of guys who might be possible for you. So I say, well, let's, my whole approach is what are the base notes that you need and what are the maybe fragrances that are additions? So if we go from, he has to be college educated to, he has to be a purposeful man that makes a difference. He has to make more than me to, he needs to have, be financially stable. That makes a difference. And I say this because I've had clients who are incredibly successful, I mean very, very financially successful. And if they only go for more successful guys financially, they wouldn't be in the relationship they're in. And they would be connecting sometimes with guys who have 50 women to choose from and they actually exercise that idea, you know. And then they're leaving guys on the table who are incredibly kind and it's not lowering your standards 'cause the guy is still financially stable. The guy is still thoughtful and intelligent. He just doesn't have those check marks that you're maybe telling yourself that are absolutely needed. So when we do that exercise, we increase the pool of men significantly. Age group is one of those things that we can play with 'cause health is more important than biological age in my book. And then so when we tweak those things, we find more alternatives. And then the third step in my process is to help them find the right rooms, you know. And the right room strategy has to do with two things. Number one, knowing how to create intimacy, not by manipulation, but by really amazing conversations and states of being.'Cause you can be in the right rooms if you're just doing the inquisition type questionnaire, no guy's gonna be excited about that. But if you're someone who's warm and connected and radiant,'cause we already worked on that. And then you know how to ask open-ended questions and you know how to deepen. And also when the guy's talking too much about himself, you know how to kindly redirect so that he asks you questions. And that already puts you in a much different category of human.' Cause That guy can connect with two versions of you; the one, who's kind of quiet and introspective and not asking questions and not receiving him. Or the kind version of you who is open and who is thoughtful and who's insightful and who's really engaging. And he feels a lot more when there's that dynamic of vulnerability taking place. So once that happens, we need to curate rooms where the filtering of the rooms already qualifies the type of person you're looking for, right. I'll give you an example. I have a client who is, uh, a Democrat, and she lives in a state that is not very democratic. And one of the things I help her do is let's go out and find a place where lots of Democrats connect so you can find men who are more like you. And she recently, I mean, she hasn't found her guy yet, but she was courageous in going to this thing and this notion that the guy that I want isn't there, started diminishing a little bit because she started seeing guys who are very liberal the way she thinks, present in that activity. Now, if we curate a few more rooms like that, where already the type of connection that takes place filters out the type of person you don't want, then you're making it exponentially more, easy to find. Because if you only use apps; apps are a powerful tool and many clients have found their guy through the app, but it's also very emotionally dysregulating. And if you don't have a strategy for using it, it's going to consume you. You'll feel depressed or sad or get addicted to the app. So if you have a good strategy for the apps, which means there's gonna be guys you meet there that you have never met in real life, but on top of that you're doing all these things, then you can go from a 10 year plan to a I don't know seven month plan to connecting and find that person. That's very true Very, very true. That's my answer. I was just like kind of thinking, you know, do you go through an app and you just say, you know, he is gotta be that, you know, these are the things I want and these are the things I don't want. And then the app kind of like filters out, you know Well, apps work that way. It just, but the challenging thing with apps is that, uh, I mean, you're gonna set filters, but those filters are not always going to be, uh, taken into account. And also sometimes people will lie on the apps. So my whole thing with apps is the mindset for using an app, which I do recommend using, not exclusively, but I do recommend using, is there's gonna be 1% of people who are a match for you. Now, if you enter with that mindset, that already is gonna make this so much more fun for you. Because if many women enter the apps with a secret mindset, that's gonna be maybe 25% of us are men. No, it's not the case. And when they go through 10 guys back to back where maybe one is, uh, super overweight, uh, and the other guy is, uh, out of a job and the other one is missing a tooth, and they're all trying to connect with her, right. She starts to think, well, this thing doesn't work, it's broken. It's not broken, you just haven't gone through enough guys to get to what you want. So when you have an organic approach, which is connecting with people in real life, but really making it a habit. And it's not to go out and meet your guys, to go out and do something fun for yourself, create community, shine your light, expand your circle, and also meet men. So it's not just the secret technique to meet men, but it's really to enhance your life, and you're using apps and you're fueling your life with things that make you happy. Dating is a spiritual experience. It's not a bad mechanism to catch a husband. It's the spiritual experience that's gonna allow you to express yourself and change an evolving ways that you would've never in a million years do if you just hang out with your girlfriends, uh, or watch Netflix or not go out and connect with people. Yeah, and I think the other thing is that it it, like let's say you were single for 20 years. And you decide I'm gonna go out and date. Dating several people making that connection, no intimacy, just connection, you know, convert conversation. It sort of like gives you the experience that filter that you can say, "nope, nope, totally no," and find what, so then when you encounter that person, that kind of checks, that fills in result kind of on more on those boxes that you said you must have. Yeah. You can say, "huh? Yeah, let me invest a little bit more time here to see if he really is the right one. Yeah, it gives you a; that, that's another thing that you're, you're talking about right now, which is like not becoming exclusive too early. Because some, you don't even have to talk about it. But if you're only dating one person and that person ends up not working. I mean, it's gonna be a really sad experience for you. So I don't recommend having dating 30 guys simultaneously, but two or three that who are really getting to know you. And they might be doing the same thing, which is okay. I mean, soon enough somebody's gonna start filtering out. Somebody's gonna start rising to the top. But it still gives you the option to not be stuck with someone. And, and some guys won't want that. Some guys will, if you don't date them exclusively from the beginning, they're gonna say, no thanks. But that's equivalent, to the guy saying, if you're not my girlfriend, 'cause I took you on dinner for one night, then I'm out. I mean, literally that's what they're saying if they say. So, I think that's a risky proposition. So, I mean, obviously there's no rules around this. And you can, if you find somebody exceptional, you really want to delay other guys for that, I mean, obviously go for it. At the same time as a principal to, to not do that early is, is helpful because you get a chance to, guys are gonna show up really strong at the beginning and then they're going to start losing steam, at some point. And some guys are going to continue being pursuant, and some guys are going to just, if they don't get what they want or sex, for example, they'll just stop connecting. So it, it gives you enough time to really vet and see what's happening and also gauge to see how you're feeling, not just the first date, second date, third date, second month, I mean, what's showing up. And by doing it that way, uh, you get a chance to have a, there's a real filter. There's no filter that will ever replace time. You can be very intuitive, ask great questions. All those things are necessary, but the time factor is the strongest factor of them all when you're connecting with someone because, uh, what happens year number one versus month number one will change, and sometimes for the better, but sometimes for the very worse. So, yeah. Yeah, Bern, based on the conversation that we have had here today, what are three pieces of advice that you would give that woman out there in midlife who says they're all gone. The good guys are gone. I'm gonna be a cat woman for the rest of my life. Well, the first thing I would say is I hear you and I understand, so don't feel crazy for feeling that way, and if your friends are telling you're too negative, it's not that you're too negative, that's your experience, and it's understandable. The second thing I'd say is it's changeable, it's doable, it's just not easy. So the advice would be what would be the thing that you'd have to experience? What would you go for if you knew you could get it? Like, what's the type of connection you want? What's the type of intimacy you're seeking? So that you get a bit more excited to go? Because if you're going out based on what you think you can get and what you think you can get is nothing, then you won't go out and get it. I mean, I'm not saying go crazy and say I want three ponies and seven castles. But I'm saying if you want something, a conscious guy who is intimate with you emotionally, who is caring, I mean you, you can start building that list that's not crazy, but is emotionally connected. Start with character. Then you'll feel far more excited to go pursue that, even if you don't know how to get it, than if you go with a, I can't get what I want. So that's the first thing. Dream bigger.'Cause you'll do a lot more for a big dream, even though it's harder than for a mediocre dream, that doesn't cause you the juice to go out and make something happen. Second thing I'll say is find a way to reconnect with your light. By doing the things that make you feel most alive. This has nothing to do with men. Go out and spend time in nature. Create new friend groups. Do things that are a little scary but healthy for you. Um, learn a new language. I mean, start doing things that really motivate you and make you feel more intensely alive. So that is the type of person who's gonna go out and connect with someone. I would say the third thing, and it's not, people are gonna think I'm biased. It's not really because of that. I'm gonna get some help. Like if you've gone 10, 20, 30 years, five years and you're not getting what you want, and I'm not saying hire me'cause I'm not a fit for everyone. But doing the same thing and expecting different result is, is really definition of insanity. So hire someone who can help you understand your blind spots. Who can guide you by the hand. Has a system that you can step into, gives you guidance, accountability, support. So that's something that could have taken a lot longer can shorten. And the reason why I emphasize this so much is because this is the time in human history where we're able to arguably get the most we've ever been able to get in our relationship. Intimacy, emotional connection, sexual connection, a spiritual, uh, vibe, the whole thing. And live maybe 90 years instead of 41. Which was the, I mean, or 43, which forever, after the beginning of 19 hundreds was the guy died at 43. That's forever after, you know, so now forever after is maybe 90 or something or a little less, but you know, within that. So because of that, we want a lot, we want more than we've ever wanted, but the skills have not been developed yet for most of us. So if you want to have something that's never happened in human history, get some skills. There's a skill of intimacy. There's a skill of, uh, vetting someone. There's attraction skills, there's communication skills. If you become a student of that, and ideally when you connect with that person, both of you are students of that, and you stand the chance of having a really fulfilling relationship that is the anomaly.'Cause most relationships are not super fulfilling. Most relationships are just companionship and maybe a little bit of pain, a little bit of tolerating each other. That relationship is available, but only if you get the skills that you need. So that would be, uh, the, third step, you know, in this. Bern, if there is a woman out there who says, you know what, I need to hire somebody to help me with my blind spots. How can they connect with you? How can they hire you? Okay, great. Uh, you can go to Bern Mendez.com. So it's B-E-R-N-M-E-N-D-E-Z.com. And there's a couple of ways to do that; one is for anyone who, even if they're, they don't wanna hire me, but they wanna find out their blind spots, there's a quiz there, you can take. So you go to the free quiz, answer a few questions, and you'll get a, an answer. Obviously it's not a hundred question questionnaire that it's gonna give you some generic sense of what's a big blind spot you're not seeing. But there's also gonna be a link there if you wanna, connect with me to schedule a call. I mean, you fill out an application and if I can help you, we'll connect. And the way that works is we have a conversation for real. And it's not a I'm gonna sell you something is, let's see if I can help you and if I can help you, I'll tell you how, how it works. And if you wanna do it, great. If you don't wanna do it, you get out by knowing what your blind spots are for me directly. So it's a win-win, regardless. But you might end up getting some guidance and coaching that can get you a new experience of love. And that's worth so much. Bern, thank you so much for coming on the show. I will include links to your YouTube channel where people can learn more and your website so that they can connect with you and start getting back into finding love or finding connection. Yeah. Well, thank you so much, Carmen. I'm really, I'm really thankful that you invited me here and I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your questions and also your mission. So I'm really, really happy that I got a chance to talk to you. Alright. Thank you very much. Thank you. Oh my goodness! Bern, thank you so much for joining us and sharing your incredible insights today. If you're a woman in midlife, feeling stuck in repetitive relationship cycles. Or you're struggling to clearly express your needs without guilt. I highly encourage you, check out Bern's work. His information and links to his amazing YouTube channel are right below in the show notes. To dive deeper into today's conversation, learn more about Bern Mendez, head on over to createthebestme.com/ep135. And if you enjoy today's episode, don't forget to hit the like button and while you're there, hit subscribe so that you don't miss out on any more amazing content made just for you. Join me next week for another empowering episode. Until then, keep dreaming big. Take care of yourself. And remember, you are beautiful, strong, and capable of creating the best version of yourself. Thank you for watching. Catch you next week. Bye for now.