MENOMORPHOSIS
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Are you, like me, riding the rollercoaster of midlife and menopause, and eager to get back to living your best life? Are you tired of low energy, a short temper and endless self doubt?
Well, It’s time to stress less and shine more. It’s time ditch the worry, reclaim your mojo and unleash your inner brilliance.
It's never too late to transform, and you’re certainly not too old. And in my opinion, midlife and menopause provide the perfect opportunity to do just that.
Join me each week for uplifting stories and expert insights on how to feel as good as you can and create a joyful, purpose-driven life you truly love.
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MENOMORPHOSIS
Thursday Thoughts - Other People
This week on Thursday Thoughts, Lucy and I are talking about three truths about other people (taken from @melrobbins) that can totally transform your peace of mind.
We explore why trying to change someone never works, and why there’s no point getting mad at them when they’re not who you want them to be.
We also discuss how much freedom there is in accepting people exactly as they are, not as you wish they’d be.
Enjoy!
Love Polly & Lucy xx
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Hello and welcome to Thursday Thoughts. Thursday Thoughts what on earth are they? I hear you ask. Well, my friend Lucy and I meet every week over on Instagram to talk all things personal growth, because she is as obsessed with it as I am, and we decided that we might as well put those conversations out as a weekly podcast. So now you can listen to us chat here on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or wherever you listen to your podcasts, and we'll be talking about topics such as spirituality, limiting beliefs, the ego imposter syndrome, gratitude, meditation, confidence and so much more. So if you're ready, here we go. So this morning you came up with a suggestion on the back of a Instagram reel from Mel Robbins. Do you want to start, lisa? Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, sure. So I saw this reel the other day and basically I mean, as you know, I love Mel Robbins and she just, you know, has so many words of wisdom and this, for some reason, this reel I mean her reels often resonate with me, but this one particularly resonated and it's about other people, basically, and I think this really speaks to her whole concept of the let them theory, which you and I have talked about before. But I think it's just such a brilliant um, if you can, if you can sort of keep the let them theory in mind, it can really help make your life a lot easier. Like, I really don't mean, it's such a great book. Anyway, this particular reel. She was talking about three things when it comes to other people, that if you can get your head around them, then they're, they will make your life easier, and I agree wholeheartedly with all of them. The first one is um, hang on, what is it that?
Speaker 1:that if they wanted to they would.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly yeah, thank you that if they wanted to, they would. And this is just so. So, so true, because we, we basically pretty much do the things that we want to do, if we want to do them and if we don't want to do something, I mean obviously sometimes we do something that we don't want to do. If we want to do them and if we don't want to do something, I mean obviously sometimes we do something that we don't want to do. But more often than not, if we really want to do something, we will find a way to make it happen. So you know, when somebody says, oh, I can't because blah, blah, blah, or oh, I'd really like to, but this, that and the other, it's so often it's just such bullshit because ultimately, if they wanted to, they would. And you know we kind of twist ourselves up, sort of worrying about these kinds of things and, but, if, but. But if we could just accept that if somebody wanted to do something, they would, if we could just accept that, it will make our life so much easier. So that's the first one. I think it's really a really, really good one. The second one, also a really good one, is you cannot change other people. You just cannot change other people, and this could be if you're worried about I don't know somebody close to you, you're worried about their health, or you're worried about whatever it is, or you're trying to convince somebody of something that you believe in. Ultimately, you cannot change other people's minds, it has to come from them. So this is another one that I think is is just so brilliant.
Speaker 2:And then the final one is it was something along the lines of stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to be. Again, such a good point. So so true. You know, I certainly have had frustrations with people in my life who weren't a certain way or who were a certain way that, for whatever reason, I didn't like or I didn't find that pleasing, or I had a problem with that.
Speaker 2:Ultimately, it's just a question of kind of just accepting people for who they are and knowing that who they are is who they are, and we cannot we, you know, we cannot expect them to be something that they're not. So I just think those three things are really kind of key when it comes to any relationship, whether it's a friendship or a romantic relationship or, you know, or family relationships, whatever it is. Those three things are just so damn true. And if we could just kind of, you know, get our heads around them and just sort of let them go and let them be, then our lives would be so much easier. Because I think we tie ourselves up in knots about other people. You know what they're doing or what they're not doing, or how they're being, or what they're saying, or you know whatever it may be.
Speaker 2:And if we could just let people just be who they are, not try and change them, and understand that, for example, going back to the first one, if they wanted to, wanted to, they would like.
Speaker 2:If somebody doesn't want to do something with you, for example, you know, if you, it's so much easier to just say do you know what?
Speaker 2:Fuck it, if they wanted to, they would do it, I'm not going to worry about it, I'm not going to take offense and just kind of let them get on with it.
Speaker 2:It's so much easier than being offended or being upset or all of these things that we, we tend to be if somebody doesn't want to do something that we want them to do, for example. You know. So I just I don't know it, just it just really resonated and I think sometimes and this is a big message of the let them book is that so much of our stress in life comes because we allow other people and what other people are thinking, what other people are doing, what other people are feeling, what other people are saying we allow it to impact our lives, our life, and actually we just need to let people just get on with it and understand that we can only control what we do, how we feel, what we say, because life is so much easier when you just let people get on with their own shit and not worry about it. And obviously there's nuance in that.
Speaker 1:I mean, as you know, going through each of those three different things which you just talked about. You know I was just thinking about the different relationships in my life and how they apply to each one. So you can think about a romantic relationship and I think a lot of people often fall in love with potential of somebody rather than actually what is in front of them. And obviously we all can see, perhaps, potential in somebody or something. I think about my children as well. You know you can see the potential, but if they don't want to do something, you can't force them. And I think you know for a romantic relationship you've just got to take what is in front of you. You've just got to take what is in front of you and work and be you yourself, have got to be the be the person you want to be and shine your light. And often that is the way. If you want someone to do something, it's about being your best self and then that often radiates outwards and it can actually be quite inspirational for other people to, to want to be around that energy and do those things as well. But you know, from experience I know you cannot change anybody to be the person that you want them to be. So even if you feel like they've got this huge amount of potential, someone who you think they want to be, then actually it's just work. You've got to work with what's in front of you. You cannot change them until they are ready to change. You hear all the time of people who have got real issues. You know a lot of addiction issues or things which you just want to step in and you want to help and you want to do your best to to make their lives easier. But until they reach a certain point in their lives where they truly want to make that change, they truly yeah that they they feel the need to do that, there's no amount of you willing them, wanting them and actually sometimes stepping in. I think can be as as hard as that can be not to do so, but it can actually be to their, to their detriment, because one has to figure it out themselves and obviously there's so many stories of people having to hit a rock bottom and then they realize, right, I've got to change, I've got to change this up and do something different. So, yeah, I mean that is such a big one and I, you know, having kids I was thinking about with my kids if they don't want to do something, they won't do something. And as to me, that's been a really hard lesson to learn being a parent, because when they're little, you know, even when they're little, they don't want to do something. They generally don't do something, but you can cajole them into doing the things you want them to do for a certain amount of time.
Speaker 1:And then you hit teenagers, teenage-dom, where they really do have their own mind. And that for me has been really tough, because I like to control things, I like to, you know, and I've had to really learn just to let so much go and and accept and appreciate them for the, you know, for the people that they are and the things that they want to do and they probably, the more I want them to do something, the less they're going to want to do it anyway. So you've got to let them get on with it. But that, I think, as a parent, is very, very, very challenging. But I see now that when you do do it, oh my goodness, they're happier, you're happier, everyone's happier. It's definitely the way to go. And in terms of not actually what was it? Stop being mad.
Speaker 1:And people for not being who you want them to be. I mean, you can't be mad because everyone is unique and I genuinely believe that we are all born as we are and we have to. I think our role in life is to support someone to flourish into their amazing, unique being that they are, and that is the biggest gift we can give anyone is just to let them be exactly who they are. But unless they're willing to, to do, to do whatever it is they need to do to become that version of themselves, then you know that's, that's all you could do. So, yeah, it's um, it's an interesting one, isn't it? This one?
Speaker 2:you can't you.
Speaker 1:It's a bit like you know you just can't. It's like almost like trying to force the go against the tide if you're constantly trying to make someone be the version of them that you want them to be. I just want to.
Speaker 2:We just want to surf that wave and let it all be um, going back to what you were saying about romantic relationships, I think this is a classic and this can be particularly, you know, particularly sort of interesting one to think about, because I think so often dare I say particularly women we might meet someone who we think that, oh, you know, well, I can change that and I can change that, and I can get them to do less of that and I can get to do more of that. And I think we just do it, don't we? We sort of we just assume that we'll be able to change, and it's not, you know, it's not coming from a bad place necessarily, but it's just. I think in romantic relationships that's, there can be a particular danger of that, and I know that I'm sorry, johnny's being complete pain. I know that I sorry, johnny's being complete pain.
Speaker 2:Um, I know that I have have wanted to change people in in romantic relationships myself. Do you know what I mean? And I've kind of. You know there have been certain things that that, when I've gone into the relationship, there have been certain things that I wasn't necessarily 100% happy with. But I thought, well, I'm sure you know, I'm sure I can like, I'm sure I can get them, can like I'm sure I can get them to change that, or I'm sure I can get them to change that and you can't. You just have to assume, like you said, you know. You just got to take what's in front of you. You just have to assume that you know. When somebody shows you who they are, that is who they are, you know. It's just as simple as that. That is who they are. And the getting people to you talked about sort of the example of addiction or something like that. If you've got and this makes me think of do you know Terry Cole who wrote Boundary Boss?
Speaker 1:She's brilliant.
Speaker 2:Now Johnny is attacking me from the back just like grabbing Sorry, polly, he's got the devil in him. He's jumped onto the chair behind me. I'm now perched on the edge of the chair, um, but terry cole talks a lot about this. How you know, you cannot fix somebody else's problems and of course when you love someone you want to help them. But actually and I think you said you kind of said this that actually you know, we people have to help themselves and in many ways, if we're trying to solve somebody's issues, whether that, whatever that may be, um, if we're trying to solve somebody's issues, it's, it's actually not helping them by trying to. And of course we can help and we can be there for support and all the rest of it. But but people have to help themselves and I think you and I but I certainly know that from my own experience you know only you can, can sort out your own issues. Nobody can do that work for you. So you can try, you can, you can be there to support somebody, but actually if you do too much to try and help somebody, you're kind of doing the opposite of helping them, because they need to, they need to be able to do that from for themselves.
Speaker 2:You know, and I think that's really really key and I mean, I don't have kids, but I can imagine with kids. That is I'm not saying your children are addicts, I know they're not, but you know what I mean. I can see with, I can see with kids that that can be particularly hard. Have you heard Terry Cole talking about this at all? She, she talks about boundaries. Yeah, she's brilliant.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah, I must have I think I have it some status into some podcast.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, she talks a lot about this and she talks about it in a really really good way. So if there's anyone out there who, for example, you know, has somebody in their life who is struggling with whatever it may be depression or, you know, alcoholism or whatever it may be Terry Cole is a really good person to to follow and to, you know, read her. But she's got a great book called Boundary Boss and she's got another book out more recently. I can't remember what it's called, but she's. She's definitely somebody who's worth checking out checking out, um.
Speaker 1:So, yes, yeah, I, I think, um, family relationships is quite a quite um an interesting one, particularly, I'm thinking, like parents, uh, siblings, because with those relationships you are bound together, because you are family.
Speaker 1:Uh, I know we talked about children, but you know, in terms of your, particularly your parents, I think and I'm just thinking from what you know I love my parents deeply, but there have been times, there are times where you kind of think I just wish there'd be a little bit more like this and you can, you can sort of spend all of your effort wishing that they were something else or and being upset about the fact that they're not.
Speaker 1:But I think you know, god, I'm talking, as you know, I'm still very much in progress, but I think the way to go with this is it's just you get to a point where you just it is about accepting, and I think it's very hard when it is such a close relationship, but it is about, you know, accepting. This is what they're like, this is what this person is like, and I can't change them. I might, you know, even though you've tried, you've got so frustrated over the years, but you can't do anything other than really approach it in a way that is going to help you in that situation. So, whether that is to prepare yourself before you see them, keep yourself really grounded, really calm, remind yourself that you're. It's very difficult to to change somebody.
Speaker 1:They are what they are and I think particularly you know, as they get older and there might be issues which have which come up, or you know, it's, it's, it's very, it's complicated and it's challenging, um, but I do think when you you have this awareness that you can't change people and actually just to try and stop, it's kind of quite freeing and it kind of stops you from getting as frustrated yeah, with that person, uh, and also it helps the relationship too, doesn't it?
Speaker 2:yeah, because if you're trying to, if you're trying to change someone, then that is going to have that is inevitably going to have a negative impact on your relationship with them. I mean, you know, you, you know, but there's someone in my life who suffers from very, very bad depression, and I have spent a long time essentially banging my head against a brick wall trying to get this person to. You know, do certain things I think they need to do, or I know that they need to be doing. But you realize like this is not fucking working and actually in some ways it makes it worse, because people sort of tend to dig their heels in if they feel like they're being told what to do.
Speaker 2:You know, and actually I think one way that we can approach this instead is to is to kind of, um, be an example of the change that you want to affect in them.
Speaker 2:So, rather than saying you need to do this and you know, I have done this with this person who has depression multiple times, to my own frustration and her own like irritation at me, and you know it's kind of caused all sorts of problems and arguments and all the rest of it, and ultimately I think I'm better off, just like you know, kind of being an example of the things I'm talking about, rather than being like you need to do this and you need to get more exercise and you need to eat, you need to eat more healthily.
Speaker 2:I need to just do those things myself, not bang on about how much you need to do them, but I just need to do them myself. And then that person is either going to take that on board and then make some changes themselves, or they're not. But that is a much better way of approaching, isn't it, with somebody you love is is to just, rather than say you need to do this and you need to do that, and because if someone's telling me what, what to do, I'm going to be like yeah, there's no.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know so but I'm such a hypocrite, such a hypocrite um, yeah, and you know that's the same with kids.
Speaker 1:You know exactly if you, if the more I tell them, the less they're like, oh, it's going to irritate them, it's going to irritate me yeah, but again, it's just being that example, as you say, eating well, living in a way, being speaking well, being polite.
Speaker 1:They, people learn so much more by watching rather than being told and, yeah, you know, they just absorb it and just being that that person. And you know, gosh, we can't all be like that all the time, but we can do our best to try and do that and it's I think it.
Speaker 2:It's so much more, it's so much more effective so, james Powell, yeah, yeah, exactly, and actually it's kind of. It's kind of this kind of speaks to what you and I are essentially trying to do with with our Monday motivation or slash Thursday thoughts is, you know and I do this on the podcast as well like I will talk about the same principles and concepts over and over again, because I know that, when you know, for me it it again going back to what I was saying just now, if I'm told to do something and if anyone is told to do something, they're not going to want to do it, they're going to resist. But actually what does work is if you, you just happen to, kind of by osmosis, pick up on something that somebody is saying over and over again, or a few people are saying, then it sort of starts to seep into your, your conscious awareness and then you're more likely to do something about it. And I think the kind of things that you know, you and I talk about very similar things lots of times, but I don't think that's a bad thing, I don't think there's anything wrong with that, and there's a lot of people out there who do that, especially when you're talking about kind of personal growth and self-help and all of that, because there are certain, there are certain things, there are certain concepts, there are certain things that we you know that, like that, everybody in this space is talking about, because it kind of all boils down to the same few things like we talk about.
Speaker 2:You have to be aware of your thoughts. You have to prioritize feeling good. You know you have to be aware of your thoughts, you have to prioritize feeling good. You know you have to be mindful of what you're allowing in, and I think by just repeatedly talking about those things in a slightly different way, that is much more likely to affect change than going you need to do this and you need to do that. And you know, just by having these kinds of conversations.
Speaker 2:Because certainly, when I got into all of this it was, it was exactly that it was hearing the same sorts of ideas over and over again from multiple people and then eventually the penny kind of drops and then I started making changes in myself. But if somebody had come up to me 10 years ago and said, this is what you're doing wrong, getting getting it all wrong, you need to do this, I'd have been like, well, bugger off and leave me alone, um, but by but, by, just by just kind of allowing people to, to you know, receive the information and make their own decision. They, and also they're either going to come to the. They're either going to come to the to the point where they do something about it, or they're not. Either way, that's not in our control. Either way, we have to just let them do what they're going to do and be who they're going to be, you know yeah, and I think, sometimes, though, we need to look at ourselves.
Speaker 1:It's almost like asking yourself you know, what is it that you are needing that other person to be, because sometimes, it might be almost something in yourself that you need to look at what is it?
Speaker 1:that you're not getting or that you are feeling that that other person isn't providing for you. So maybe it's sort of like you know you need to have a little bit of self-reflection. Anyways, what is it I'm needing? Maybe that you know they're they're just doing it their way, so it's. It is an opportunity to yeah, take a look what it what you know, what needs of yours are not being met yeah and is that something which perhaps is something you can work on without having anything to do with them.
Speaker 1:I don't know if that makes sense it does.
Speaker 2:It does I mean for sure, because I mean, obviously, you know, I suppose are you saying that if you, if you're actually hang on? I don't know how to articulate this, but yes, I do know what you're saying. I do know what you're saying and for sure it can. Yeah, you know, it's a good opportunity to reflect on ourselves at the same time okay, I'm just thinking of an example.
Speaker 1:So, for example, if someone isn't behaving in the way that you think is acceptable out, you know, in, I don't know out in public, or I don't know, I'm now thinking about a child or something who's just like not conducting themselves in the way that you think is okay, but actually that's kind of almost a reflection. You know what's I mean it depends. Is it your values or how important is that thing? You know? Sometimes it's like so you know. So I'm just thinking about my childhood. It was very important that we were out in, you know, being really good examples, looking well dressed and being polite. And you know, and if I, if you're not, then that's, you know you someone's going to try and change that about you and I think, yeah, if it if it's something which goes against your values, then yeah, that's probably the case.
Speaker 1:But sometimes it can almost get to a point where actually, is that thing really that important? Is it worth? You know, sometimes it can be a bit ridiculous. We can all get a bit stuck in our own stories and our own ideas that actually that thing is not important whatsoever. Certain types of manners which actually are so archaic that actually it's like no, we don't need to do that anymore. But you know, so it's just sometimes just yeah looking at what is important to you.
Speaker 2:Totally. And you know, like you say, when, if you, if you think that, and then this comes back to the kind of you don't be mad at people for not being who you want them to be Like. I can think of examples of people in my life who who perhaps do things in a way that I wouldn't, or that means that I have to look at myself and go, lucy, it's their life, just let them get on with it. Why does it bother you so much? And you know, sometimes I feel like I'm justified in the way that I'm feeling about what someone's doing or whatever it may be. You know people like talking about people who are close to me in my life, but still, you know you just have to let people get on with it and, and, yeah, and, and, and, like you say, you know, sometimes it takes it.
Speaker 2:Sometimes you need to look at yourself and I'm talking to myself here, for sure. Sometimes I need to look at myself and go why? Why does, why is this so important to me? Why do I care about this so much? That's this is not your life, lucy, this is their life. Like what? What is it about you that is making you feel so strongly about this?
Speaker 1:you know yeah, and often it's probably because you care about them and you want the best for them. Uh, but actually, if we want the best for them, the best thing often is just to let them be themselves yeah, and ultimately they're adults, aren't?
Speaker 2:they aren't they? They're adults. Yeah, so yeah yeah and everyone's different exactly we.
Speaker 1:We can't control what each other does and we just have to accept it. And if, and, and actually also if it is something which is bothering you, you can communicate it. I'm just thinking about, you know, with friends or family. You know you can communicate it, but then you can just sort of tell them your what you think, but without any expectation that they're going to do anything about it, and then just let it go and then just release it. Yeah, otherwise, though otherwise, when things really irritate you about someone and then you bottle it up when you don't don't tell them, then actually that's when you can really have an explosion and and sort of say something you might regret.
Speaker 1:But so I think it's important to say how you feel, but don't expect anything. Don't expect them to change yeah because anything because that's so true? I think it's because I think it's because we think if they love us and if they know how we feel, then they should do something about it. Yeah but it doesn't. It doesn't work like that, and that is the biggest lesson, and that's what we all think. We all think that that's how it should work.
Speaker 2:Yeah but it doesn't think. We all think that that's how it should work. Yeah, but it doesn't. Yeah, and this is a kind of example of of how every single one of us are. Just, we're all viewing the world through our own particular lens, which is made up of our experiences and our beliefs and and all the rest of it, and every single person on this planet sees things completely differently. No one person sees everything in the same way. Um, I think it's just sometimes quite difficult, isn't it to? To really get your head around that, like if you feel so strongly about something it's like but you know, I don't understand.
Speaker 2:I just don't understand how, but it's just. That's just human beings. We are all so completely different and and the truth is that if we just let people get on with it and we choose to, you know, for example, if there is somebody you're close to, who some something, you know, something that really bothers you, well you know, you have to decide what you're going to do with that. Like, maybe that means that you're going to pull away a little bit, or maybe it means that you're just gonna make the decision to let it go. Um, because this, obviously it can impact those relationships and sometimes we free ourselves when we just let something go about somebody or you know, whatever it may be. If we just let it go and if we truly understand that we just have to let them get on with it and we get to choose how we in turn respond to what that, whatever that is it's?
Speaker 1:it's that ability, isn't it, to be able to detach yourself from it and sort of almost take a step backwards and see it for what it is, uh right, and and sort of see it perhaps from their, their perspective, kind of whatever that thing might be, see it from their eyes and how it's affecting them, and then actually it will give you a little bit more empathy and a little bit more understanding, rather than just thinking my way's right, my way.
Speaker 1:This is what we feel that our experience our thinking is the right way, but that's just our experience, that's our experience of life and that's all our different experiences all built up together to give us this perspective.
Speaker 1:So if we can try and sometimes look at it from another, then and I've really, I've really just figured this out with um young people, with teenagers that this and it's been a real revelation because actually this has happened to my middle son, alfie he went away traveling as still very much a teenager, very much the center of his own universe.
Speaker 1:And kids, teenagers, you know, you are, you're the center of your own world, you only think about yourself, that's the only thing that matters. And then something happens, and this happened when Alfie was away traveling and he came back and suddenly you have this ability to be able to switch perspectives and be able to see the world from other people's perspectives. And you're not just looking at everything from you being the center of your own universe, you're able to see things from other people's points of view, and that, I think, is that sort of maturity where you suddenly go your own universe, you're able to see things from other people's points of view, and so and that's, I think, is that sort of maturity where you suddenly go oh, you can get empathy for others, you can understand others, you can be much more. You know, you suddenly become.
Speaker 2:Well, it's that, it's just that, that maturity so for me that's been a real revelation, and that's exactly what we're talking about here.
Speaker 1:It's about the ability to be able to see something from someone else's perspective yeah, yeah, hopefully okay. Well, there we go. I think I was gonna say we're one minute over so we better wrap it up perfect, all right, well, thank you for listening to watch. Thank you so much. I hope there's been something in here which has been of interest or something useful, and we will be back this time next week.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we will all right.