How No-Fault Divorce Made Divorce An Option For Women

This episode is honoring the women who came before us highlighting the history behind ‘choice’ and why being able to choose to stay in a marriage or leave is not something to take for granted.
 
I share the milestones that changed what was possible for women in the United States: from voting rights, to having a bank account in their name, from being able to rent or buy a house without a male co-signer and more. 

Then I get specific about no-fault divorce and how this law changed the rules and opened up actual options and choice for women of today – including you. 

And lastly, I offer a reframe for anyone carrying divorce shame. If you’re rebuilding after divorce, learning to trust yourself again, or considering your next step, I hope this lights something up in you. Subscribe for more support, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a rating and review so more women can find the show.

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Transcript

Welcome And The Podcast Purpose

Karin Nelson 0:00

Welcome to Becoming You Again. This is episode number 259, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome to Becoming You Again. The podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body, and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming You Again, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast, my lovely, lovely ladies. I am as always so, so happy that you're here. Um, today's podcast, I think, is going to be a little more fun for me, maybe not for you, but I think it will be fun. I think it will be interesting because I am going to be talking more today about history a little bit, which is me, I think that probably most of you don't know this about me, but I actually went to university. I went to Brigham Young University, which is very on trend for when I was a Mormon because I was still a part of the Mormon faith, the LDS Church at that time, uh, when I was going to college. And I went to Brigham Young University, got a degree in history, and I don't actually get to use my degree very much. I actually haven't really used it at all in my adult life after I graduated from college. Um, but I love history, and it's one of the reasons why I decided to get a degree in history. And so today I actually get to use some of my degree just in what we're talking about, which is really just the history of women in some ways. We're not going all the way back. Don't worry. I'm not taking you back to the beginning of time, but I am going to talk about how feminism has over the years given women the power to choose and why this is so important to divorce and being able to choose a divorce. So I'm a little excited about today's episode because I get to use my degree. I get to use this thing and talk about this thing that I really love, and just sharing a little bit more about me and where I come from and sharing it with you. Because that is what this episode is truly all about. It is about choice. It's about your choice. A choice that women before us literally fought for, marched for, sacrificed for, for you and I to have. That is a big deal in my eyes. So, yes, we are talking about feminism. I know that word can feel to some people loaded. It can feel political, and it really is political. Let's be real, okay? Feminism is political, it's a political movement. But that's how we have been given this opportunity to choose, is through laws being passed that see women as more equal, that see women as equal. So stay with me through all of this because what I'm talking about is the story of how women like you and me got the right to have a voice in our own lives. And again, going back to this idea that one of the most profound places that that plays out is in whether you choose to stay married or choose to leave. So we're gonna start here. The fact that you're even thinking about divorce or that you've already made the decision to leave your marriage means that you are living in a moment in history that women before you could only dream of. Maybe even someone in your family, like maybe your grandmother, maybe your mother, maybe even farther back. Because it was not that long ago that leaving a marriage simply wasn't an option for most women. And this is true not just legally, not just financially, and not just socially, right? It was not possible. Just for one minute, can we sit in the moment and in the weight of this? You have a choice. You have a choice that generations before you did not have. And women over these generations have worked incredibly hard to hand this opportunity and this choice to you, to me. Can we just sit with that and be really grateful to those women who have paved the way before us? Because that to me is incredible. So here's where we get to the history because I want to walk you through a little bit of the history. I think when we can understand what women before us didn't have, that's when we can feel so much more connected to what we do have now, the freedom and the choice that we do have now. So it wasn't until 1920 that women actually had the right to vote. That was just over a hundred years ago. Think about that. It's been within the last 100 years that women in the United States were granted the right to vote with the passage of the 19th Amendment. But here's something that I really want you to be aware of, because it matters. That right to vote was granted to white women, white women like me, black and brown women, indigenous women, they were still legally blocked from voting in most of the country. And that came through poll taxes, that came through literacy tests, or just literal outright intimidation at the polls. Like these were real deliberate barriers that were designed to silence black and brown women and Indigenous and indigenous women from using their voices. And it wasn't until the Voting Rights Act of 1965 that black and brown women were finally truly protected in their right to vote. I think it's really important that we hold this truth and we speak about it, especially when it comes to women's freedom and women's choice. Because for black and brown women, this fight has never just been about sexism or patriarchy or misogyny, right? It has always had like an extra layer of racism around that as well. They've had to push against walls for far longer and with far fewer people standing beside them to help them. So the path to being able to choose their own lives has been even harder for even longer. And then their courage in walking it anyway and fighting for the same rights that white women have had for longer is something that I really want to honor because it's important that we understand for white women, it's been different. We still have more privilege, and we have had more privilege, even though we've fought against the patriarchy and the misogyny and all of that. We have had more privilege for a longer amount of time. And I want to honor the black and brown women who have had to fight harder and longer and are still fighting that aspect of racism that white women do not have to deal with. So when we talk about women getting the right to vote, we want to tell the full story, right? 1920 was the beginning for white women. It's an important one, but the full realization of that right took another 45 years. But at the same time, we're all pulling on the same thread, which is a belief that women deserve the right to have a voice and to have our voice heard. Women deserve the right to choose. That was one of the first dominoes that fell in terms of like legally protecting our rights to have a voice, right? And it matters for every single one of us. So continuing in this vein of history, before 1974, a woman in the United States could not open a bank account, could not apply for a credit card in her own name without a male cosigner. And that could be either your husband or your father or even a male relative. Like if you didn't, your dad was dead and you weren't married, you could have like your uncle sign for you, but you couldn't get a credit card in your own name without a male cosigner. She couldn't get a mortgage to buy her own home. She couldn't build a credit line for herself. Her financial life was literally, literally dependent on do I have this man's permission to be able to live my own life? So the Equal Credit Opportunity Act of 1974 changed that. Women could finally be financially independent. And this is why this matters so much. If you cannot fully support yourself financially, if you cannot open a bank account or rent an apartment or buy a home in your own name, how could you ever leave a marriage? Even a bad one, even one where you are being abused. You couldn't. You were trapped. And so many women dealt with this. And then continuing to bring in the historical aspects of this, the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and Title IX in 1972 opened the doors of education and employment to women in ways that truly changed what was possible for us. Like women could now pursue careers, earn their own income, hold leadership positions, get advanced degrees. Yes, it was happening a little bit before that, but not nearly to the rate that we are at today, right? And so the first time, women didn't need a husband to be the financial plan because she could be her own financial plan. And then, of course, women gaining access to contraception, reproductive health care. That just meant that we have more agency over our own bodies and our own timelines. Now, obviously, we know once Roe versus Wade was repealed a few years ago, we're still fighting for that. But we still have access, at least for now. I know it's trying, I know there are some people who are trying to change these laws, but we still have access to contraceptives, which offers more women the freedom to choose when and if they want to have children, which is a huge, profound shift in terms of who holds the power over our body and our future. We're still fighting for that one. There's still more room to grow, and we will keep with the fight. And now let's talk specifically about divorce in terms of history, because this is really going to be important for you to understand. And I don't know how much you know about this, but before 1969, in order to get a divorce in the United States, you had to prove fault somewhere. You had to prove that your spouse had done something wrong in terms of either adultery or abuse or abandonment or cruelty, something like that. Like if you just didn't love them anymore, if you didn't get along, if you were just miserable, if you were unhappy, if the marriage no longer felt safe or a good fit or whatever, like for any literally any other reason, it just wasn't good enough to get a divorce. Like legally, there wasn't a valid reason to leave unless it was like adultery, abuse, abandonment, right? And so then in 1969, California became the first state to pass no-fault divorce law under Governor Reagan. And so then by the 1980s, most every state in the US had followed suit with a no-fault divorce law. But here's what's gonna completely blow your mind, because it completely blew mine when I realized that this was the case. I thought that by the like the late 1980s, all the states had adopted no-fault divorce. I was wrong about that. The last state to adopt the no-fault divorce law was New York. And it wasn't until 2010. 2010! That was 16 years ago. I have many clients, past and present, who live in New York. And I'm gonna let you in on a little secret that not many people know about my business. Every single client that I have ever had over the last five years have been women who have asked for or filed for divorce or have chosen to leave their marriage. That means that 20 years ago, the women I work with who live in New York possibly could not have been able to leave their marriages in the same way they can today. Like if I had my business 20 years ago, right? It would not have been the same because the no-fault divorce law was not a thing that New York had adopted until 2010. Blowing my mind. Okay, but let's get back to this. So basically, no-fault divorce means exactly what it sounds like. You don't have to assign blame to someone. You don't have to prove abuse or prove infidelity. Before no-fault divorce, you had to prove it in a court of law. And guess what? You probably you probably guessed this. Your judge was most likely going to be who? A man. Yeah, a man. Because before the 1980s, women judges represented under 5% of the judges throughout the entire United States. So not only did you have to prove that there was abuse or infidelity, but you also had to convince the male judge that it was true and that it was happening. And we know historically that women are not believed, even when we have evidence to support it, right? I mean, we just have to look at the Epstein files and the Diddy trial, where we had massive amounts of evidence against these men, and women are still not believed. And that's those are two very like recent examples. There have been thousands of examples throughout history of women not being believed. So, with the passing of the no-fault divorce law, you can simply say, I don't want to be in this marriage any longer. This marriage is no longer working for me. I'm choosing to leave. I want to pause. I want you to let that sink in. For the first time in history, the law said a woman's unhappiness is a valid enough reason to end a marriage. Her desire for a different life is enough. She doesn't need to prove that she has been wronged in some way. She just needs to choose herself. That is huge. That is huge. And it's not a coincidence that divorce rates rose significantly after the no-fault laws were passed. Not because marriage was suddenly worse off or relationships suddenly got terrible overnight. No, they were already terrible. It's because women finally had the legal and financial freedom to leave marriages that weren't working for them. That choice was finally realized for us. So why does any of this matter for you right now in your life? Because I want you to understand that wherever you are in your divorce journey, like whether you're still thinking about it, whether you're in the middle of getting a divorce, or if you're on the other side, you've already been granted the divorce and you are now rebuilding your life, you are standing on the shoulders of every woman who has fought for you to have this right. The women who marched for the right to vote, the women who pushed for financial freedom, the women who pushed for civil rights, the women who challenged the legal system that said that you could only leave if you could prove you'd been harmed in some way and then hoped that the judge would believe you. Every single one of these women was clearing a path so that you could stand where you are right now. And I want you to understand this choosing to leave a marriage or choosing to stay, either way, it is not a feminist act in and of itself. Feminism isn't about someone telling you what to choose, it's about the fact that you have the freedom to choose what is best for you. You get to choose what is best for you. I don't get to tell you what that is. Your husband doesn't get to tell you what that is. Your neighbor doesn't get to tell you what that is, your religion doesn't get to tell you what that is, your government doesn't even get to tell you what that is. You get to choose that is freedom. And that choice is worth honoring, whatever path you're on. Because here's the thing I know about women who listen to this podcast you're not choosing divorce because you just gave up. You are choosing it because you are brave enough to build a life that is truly yours. That's not selfish. That is courageous. That is choice. So many of the women that I coach come to me carrying so much shame. Shame about the divorce, shame about what people will think, shame about if they're going to ruin their kids' lives, or if they're gonna be okay, or if they can make it, or if they can figure out what to do financially, or any of those things. And I want to offer you a different way of thinking about this, like a reframe on how you're thinking about divorce. What if instead of seeing your divorce as something that happened to you or something that you failed at, you saw it as something that you were finally empowered enough to choose? What if you allowed yourself to recognize that the very fact that you can make this choice and that the law supports it, and that you have the financial tools and the legal rights to build a life of your own on your own terms, that that is something to be incredibly proud of and incredibly grateful for? It's pretty fucking amazing. And I'm excited to be where we're at as women right now. And you are not broken because you got a divorce, because you chose a divorce. You are not a cautionary tale, as the rest of society will throw it back in our face and say, Oh, look what you're doing. You're so stupid. How could you possibly want to leave a marriage and ruin your kids' lives and be on your own? You're just gonna end up a sad, lonely cat lady. You are a woman in a long, powerful line of women who decided that their lives matter. You are becoming you again and you are choosing it intentionally. That is powerful. That is beautiful, that is to be celebrated. All right, my lovely ladies. I know this was a lot of history. I hope that you found something interesting. You learned something new about yourself or about the women who came before you, maybe even someone in your own generational line. You maybe you understand them deeper now. I hope this episode lit something up inside of you. I hope it reminded you that your desire to live a life that feels right to you, that is valid. It's valid for you to want that, and it has always been valid for you to want that. It is now protected by law, it is backed by history, and you are supported by every woman who has come before you and who dared to say, I deserve more than this. I want more than this, and I'm going to make it happen. That is what I have for you today. If this episode resonated with you, make sure and leave a rating and review wherever you listen to this podcast. Come and find me on Instagram or TikTok. I'm Karen Nelson Coaching. You can tell me exactly what you liked about the episode. I love to hear from you. I love this community. I think you're all beautiful and amazing women, and I'm so proud of you for choosing you, for standing in your power, for choosing courage, for doing something that's really hard, but totally possible. It's your choice, and you're allowed to choose it. You are not starting over. You are starting from a place of hard one freedom. That freedom to choose. You are becoming you again, and that is a beautiful thing. All right, my friends, I love you so much. Thank you for listening. I will be back next week. Hi, friend. I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life with weekly coaching, real life practice, and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to Karin Nelson Coaching.com. That's www.k-ar-in-n-e-l-s-o-n. Coaching.com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts. And for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.