Stop Beating Yourself Up And Start Healing

If the voice in your head gets cruel after divorce, it can feel like you’ll never be “okay” again, even when you’re doing everything you can to hold life together. I’m digging into the one skill that changes the entire healing process: self-compassion. Not the fake kind that says “it’s all fine,” but the kind that helps you stay accountable without drowning in shame.

I look at why self-criticism feels like motivation but actually keeps you stuck. When you beat yourself up, your nervous system reads it as danger, your danger response goes up, and the part of you that can problem-solve and make wise choices gets dimmer. It's why you can’t hate yourself into healing. From there, I teach you how to easily start using self-compassion by becoming your own inner ally.

I also share Kristin Neff’s three elements of self-compassion and end with a simple, repeatable practice you can use the moment the “mean girl” voice shows up. If you’re ready for deeper support, I also offer a free 30-minute call and one-on-one coaching for women navigating divorce and rebuilding self-trust.

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Transcript

Welcome And Why Healing Matters

Karin Nelson 0:00

This is Becoming You Again, episode number 262, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome to Becoming You Again. The podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body, and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming You Again, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast, my lovely ladies. How is everything going for you? I hope overall there's like an underlying current of things are gonna, things are gonna be okay. Even though I know if you're going through a divorce, it may not seem that way. You can trust me, believe me. I've been through it, I know what you're going through. It will get better. It does get better. So today we're talking about self-compassion. It's been a while since I've done an episode on this. I do have several others, but it's a really important topic in terms of you being able to create that whole puzzle of healing for yourself during and after your divorce. And I think that self-compassion is one of the most important pieces. It's like if you don't have this piece to the healing puzzle, it will never be completed because self-compassion is such an important part. So think about it if you are putting together a puzzle, which I do like to do. It's been a while, but I love to put together jigsaw puzzles. And if you have a puzzle, and let's say you're doing, like I like to do like the border first, right? So you have all of those outside pieces first. Have you ever put together a puzzle and you're missing one or two of the border pieces? That has happened to me before, and it is so frustrating. It makes me not even want to finish the puzzle, right? It makes me want to be like, well, what's even the point if I don't have all of the pieces, especially the border pieces that like keep everything in check? That's what self-compassion is. If you are missing this piece of the healing process, it makes everything else harder. It keeps everything else, like all of the pain and the emotional suffering sticking around longer. So here's something that I want you to think about for a second. Like when you make a mistake, which we all do, right? This is very human thing for us to do, which is make a mistake. Like maybe you lose your temper with your kids, or maybe you second guess a decision that you've made. Maybe you're looking back on your marriage and you're thinking, like, all of those moments where you could wish you could have done something differently, wish you would have done something differently, wish you would have spoken up or left earlier or whatever, right? What does the voice in your head sound like? Because for so many of the women that I work with, and for myself included, I'm not like not including myself in this because I have a very human brain as well, right? But that voice is not kind. It is harsh, and it's maybe overt, like we may hear it, and it is just mean, but it also may be really subtle in saying things that are mean about us. And it's relentless. It might sound something like, you should have just tried harder. Maybe if you would have tried harder, things would be different. Maybe if you would have picked a different guy, picked a better guy, made a better choice, your life would look different, right? Or why are you such a mess? Why can't you do it right? Why can't you figure this out? How long has it been? How long have you been trying to do this? Why haven't you figured it out yet? Why haven't you healed yet? Why haven't you moved on yet? Why are you still feeling this way? Like, or what kind of a mother are you? What kind of a mother breaks up their family? What kind of a mother makes their children feel these things? What kind of a mother makes their children feel bad because they chose a divorce? Like it could go on and on and on. Like I've I have felt all of these things. I have thought all of these things about myself. And I know every single one of my clients has thought at least one of these things, probably many more. And it's it may come in in other ways, in other forms for you. But I want you to like really pay attention to what that voice is saying to you. Because here's the thing: most of us have been taught, and whether this is like directly told or indirectly through experiences or religions or leaders or school teachers or books or TV or whatever, right? That that kind of self-criticism is good for us. That if we beat ourselves up enough, we'll finally just figure it out and get our shit together. That being hard on ourselves is the same thing as being accountable and just taking accountability for our own fuck-ups and figuring it out and being able to do better next time. And that if we let up on ourselves, even a little bit, if we are kind to ourselves or give ourselves a break or offer some like grace or let go of that mean voice, even just a tiny bit, that we're somehow gonna get lazy and stop caring and not be able to change and just become like the worst human alive. We just won't care about anything or anyone. We'll just only care about ourselves and become some weirdo narcissist and just like not give a fuck about anything. This is what I want you to hear. That is the biggest fucking lie, and it is a lie that is keeping you stuck. Because the reality is you cannot hate yourself into healing. You can't. It doesn't work. That hate, that shame, that beating yourself up, that criticism is what's keeping you stuck. You cannot shame yourself into becoming a better version of you. The research on this is very, very clear. Self-criticism does not motivate change. It doesn't. It triggers the same threat response in your nervous system as any other danger, danger, danger signal. What happens immediately when that self-criticism shows up is your amygdala lights up, your body goes into that fight, flight, or freeze mode. And suddenly that being able to problem solve part of your brain, that being able to grow part of your brain, that being able to make decisions that are in your best interest part of your brain dims and your survival mode kicks on. All you're doing when you are beating yourself up and criticizing yourself over and over and over is you're trying to white knuckle it through your day. You are carrying a weight that is so much heavier than it needs to be. If beating yourself up isn't the answer, and I'm promising you that it's not, then what is it? The answer is self-compassion. Some people have told me, but self-compassion or giving myself grace just sounds like I'm letting myself off the hook for any mistake that I've made. And it's almost like you're picturing yourself like just sitting there patting yourself on the back, going, It's fine. It's all fine. It's not a problem that I made that mistake. It's not a problem that I, you know, did this thing. And then your life is just like falling apart around you, and you just don't care about it. Like, that isn't what self-compassion is. Self-compassion foundationally is basically being your own inner ally instead of your own inner enemy when things get hard. Like, be your ally. Don't beat yourself up over these things. Because what self-compassion does is it's showing up for you the way that you would show up for your best friend, the way that you would show up for your child, the way that you would show up for your daughter or your son or someone who you love deeply, who is going through the exact same thing that you're going through, or something similar, or some kind of pain, or some kind of challenge, that's what self-compassion is. It's being your ally rather than your enemy. If your best friend or your daughter or your son called you right now, and they are a mess, and they are crying, and they are like, I am a huge mess right now. I can't stop crying. I feel like I've ruined my entire life. I've made so many bad choices. I don't know what to do. I'm so sad and I'm so confused. Like, what would you say to them? What would you say? Would you be like, Yeah, you just fucked it all up? And I just, I'm not even sure you're gonna be okay. I don't even think you're gonna be able to get through this. Like, no, you would not do that. That is the most cringy thing you could possibly say to someone. You'd wrap your arms around them, if they were in your presence, right? You'd tell that person, listen, you're not alone. I love you. I got you. You would remind them of how strong they are, you'd remind them of their worth, you'd remind them that they're loved. You'd sit with them, you'd sit with them in their pain, without needing to take the pain away, maybe wanting to, but without needing to, without making the pain mean that they're a terrible person, and you just love them and hold them through it. That is what self-compassion is doing for you. And I know it might feel uncomfortable, especially if you have lived many, many years of your life doing the self-criticism pathway, doing it that way. And that when you switch that up, that can feel really uncomfortable, really foreign, really taboo, like almost like you're questioning like, is it even okay for me to do this? Is it even worthwhile? But I'm but this truly is where the healing for you is going to begin. Researcher Kristen Neff has spent her entire career studying self-compassion, and she breaks it down into three elements. The first one is mindfulness, which basically just means be honest with yourself about what you're feeling without like getting so consumed by it that you drown or you feel like you're drowning, or without like turning and running to where you can't even face it. You're just shutting down and you're like, I can't even deal with this, right? So the first one is gonna be mindful. You're gonna like pay attention to it. The second one is self-kindness, like treating yourself with kindness, with warmth instead of that harsh judgment. And then the third one is what she calls common humanity. It's validating that you are not alone, that suffering, that struggle, that failure, the grief, they're not signs that something is broken with you or that you are the only person who has ever felt this way. That is part of being a human being. So that common humanity one, that is where I want you to start if self-compassion feels too uncomfortable or too far away to reach. Like you don't have to believe that you deserve kindness yet. That might be something that we set a goal for and we work toward. And you don't have to have like this giant breakthrough that happens overnight. I just want you to be willing to stop acting like you're the only woman who has ever fallen apart or made a mistake during your divorce or during your marriage or in your life because you are not. Not even close. And the shame that you feel when you let in that truth, it cannot survive. It cannot survive when you open up to that common humanity that you are not alone in this. Hi, it's me, Karen. I want to pop in for just a second and say if you're listening to this episode and it is resonating with you and you find yourself thinking, oh, I wish I had somebody to walk me through this. That is exactly what I do. I work one-on-one with women going through a divorce to help with your mental and emotional healing so that you don't have to figure it out alone and you don't have to feel like a burden to the people in your life. I offer a free 30-minute call. It's safe, it's a comfortable space for you to feel heard and supported in a way that your family and your friends, they just aren't able to offer you right now. You can schedule that call at Karen Nelson Coaching.com. That's K-A-R-I-N-N-E-L-S-O-N coaching.com. Even if you're not sure you're ready to work together, you're gonna leave this call feeling seen and cared for. I promise. Okay, back to the episode. So here's what I know from going through my own divorce and from coaching the women that I work with. Divorce is really good at like activating all of the insecurities that you're carrying around, all of the hurts that you've ever carried around, all of the mistakes that you've ever made, and like magnifying them. Every question that you have about your worth, every old story about not being enough, every time or place in your life where you've been socialized as a woman, as a mother, as a wife, to believe that your value only comes from being useful, only comes from being perfect, only comes from holding everything together, only comes from making everyone else feel comfortable and giving of yourself first. Divorce puts shines a light on all of that. It like magnifies it, but it also can help you dismantle those or at least pay attention to them and really question where it all comes from. But what can be really frustrating when you go through your divorce is that because the future that you had planned isn't now going to look how you thought it would, and the life that you built previous to now, right, now doesn't look the way you thought it would, your brain is starting to look for an explanation. And your brain is like, well, now that everything looks different or it's going to look different or it's not going to look how I pictured it, it must be my fault. Like I failed in some way. I couldn't hold the marriage together. I couldn't do what I had planned to do. And it's in these moments where your brain is looking for an answer, where your brain is looking for someone to blame, which is very often, even if it's not like, again, you might still hold blame for your ex, and that's fine. We can work on that in a separate way, right? But your brain is looking for someone to blame, and very often we turn it on ourselves. This is where self-compassion comes in. It's that final piece of the puzzle. So when you're in the middle of that grief and you're feeling fear and you're feeling uncertainty about your future, and you're beating yourself up, that self-criticism is feeding the pain that you feel. It is continuing that cycle of shame because what happens is you feel bad, and then you criticize yourself for feeling bad or for being mean to you, and then you feel worse, and then you disconnect from your body and you disconnect from your intuition, and then you cannot access with much clarity or self-trust to be able to move forward and you just stay in that cycle. But when you bring in these aspects of self-compassion, those ones that I was talking about, that Kristen Neff has studied her entire career, when you can just pause, there's my my little Charlie, he's saying hi. When you can just pause in the middle of those hard moments, in the middle of that self-criticism, and say, ah, this is really painful. This is really hard. And it makes a lot of sense that I'm struggling, or something along those lines, right? Something is gonna shift for you because your nervous system is going to start to align a little bit, even if it goes down one point on that scale of one to ten. You're gonna come back into your body, you're going to create space for yourself. You're going to come to a place where you can actually begin to heal because you're going to begin to heal your intuition. You're going to be able to listen to your intuition. You're going to reconnect with your brain and your body and your sense of who you are. That is what that self-compassion is going to do for you. So I want to get really practical in a sense of here are the steps that you can use to start to implement some self-compassion into your life right now, today, in this moment, maybe even. I like to talk about philosophy. I very often like refer to myself as a life coach, but as a philosopher, like a modern-day philosopher. But I also think that it's really important that we don't just talk about these concepts, that I actually give you tools and remedies to be able to take steps to implement them into your own life. I don't hold back anything from you guys. I'm not like the gatekeeper of like, okay, you can only have this information if you purchase this thing from me. Like that is not how I run my business. Everything that I talk about in my podcast episodes, I use with my clients. All of the tools I use with my clients through our set throughout our sessions. I come back to these foundational things because I know that they work. Now, they may not work in every sense of the word with every person, but there's so many tools out there, and so many tools that I have in my tool belt to offer to my clients and to you, that we just figure out the ones that work best for you. But I'm telling you, self-compassion is one of those foundational things that every person needs in their tool belt. Okay, so here are the things that I want you to be doing for yourself, the practical applications that you can use in your own life starting today. So the next time you notice that really mean girl, that self-critical mean girl, Regina George, showing up in your head, whether it's beating you up because of a parenting moment or a choice you made or a choice you didn't make or something that you felt like you handled wrong, or a decision that you made, or a conversation with your ex or whatever, whatever, literally whatever. I want you to try this. First, I want you to just notice the voice. Just notice it, right? We're not gonna judge it. We're not gonna remind yourself, well, I shouldn't be doing that. I'm trying to change that. I can't believe I'm not there yet. We're not doing that. Because that's also critical, right? We're just gonna notice it. You don't have to fix it, you don't have to figure it out right now, you don't even have to change it yet. Just notice it. And just say something like, Wow, I'm being really hard on myself right now. That's it. That's it. That's not like changing anything. That's just being mindful about what you're doing. That is awareness. Awareness is always the first step. Always, always, always the first step. Okay, the second thing I want you to do when you notice it is you're gonna put your hand over your heart or on your chest, or somewhere that makes you feel safe and comforted in some way. And I want you to say just something kind to yourself. It could be as simple and neutral as how human of me. That was so human of me to think that, to feel that, to believe that, to make that mistake, to do that thing, to say that thing, whatever. Fill in the blank. How human of me. It could be something like this is really hard, and right now I'm doing the best that I can. It could sound something like, I don't have to. This all figured out right now. Or I'm here for you. I got you. We're gonna figure this out. Say something that sounds true, but also soft, but also real, but also is believable, but is also kind. And then the last thing I want you to do is I want you to remind yourself of that humanity aspect. I am not the only one going through this. Other women have been right here in this exact feeling, this exact kind of pain, this exact kind of situation. I am not broken. I am human. And this is part of being a human. That's it. Those three steps. It's not gonna fix everything in your life. It's not gonna take you out of the situation and make everything better. It's not even probably going to make you feel amazing. But what it will do is it will let you know that you have your own back and that you are not going to let yourself down, that you are not going to beat yourself up and keep yourself stuck in that cycle of shame over and over and over. Because every time you practice this, instead of defaulting to that self-criticism and that mean girl speech, you are literally rewiring the way your brain relates to you. You are building on the foundation of a relationship with yourself, that by the way, is the most important relationship you're ever going to have with anyone. And it's going to carry you through this and into what comes next, the next chapter of your life. So if you are someone who has a really hard time making space for any of this, and if your life feels really full and really chaotic, and even pausing for just a moment feels really impossible, then I want to give you permission to literally schedule it and put it on your calendar. Put five minutes or one minute or whatever you can fit in on your calendar. Schedule it. I have to do this. Like, not necessarily for this. I've gotten really good at like being self-compassionate with myself throughout my day in my in my day-to-day life. It's taken practice. But if something is not on my calendar and I'm having a hard time like fitting it into my life, I it will never get done. But if it's on my calendar, if I actually like take time, put it on my calendar, and then it shows up and I get that reminder, I will do it. So if you're like that and you're having a hard time making time for this, or having a hard time like doing this for yourself in your life, literally put it on your calendar. Self-compassion time, five minutes, one minute, a week, even. Like that's not very much time, but it will give you a start, right? Treat it as an appointment, as seriously as you would treat any other appointment with any other person or thing. Because you deserve a place in your own schedule, in your own life. You deserve to pay attention to you, even it's even if it's just for a very short amount of time. You deserve this. You deserve to be someone who shows up for yourself. I just want to leave you with this reminder that you deserve kindness. I already know that you do. I want you to know that you do. You've gone, you're going through a divorce or you've gone through a divorce. That is tough. You are carrying around things that a lot of people don't understand if they haven't gone through it. And you're still here and you're still showing up and you're still trying and you're still working to get better, you're still learning to love yourself, you're still trying to figure out who you are, you're still becoming you again, right? That is everything. That is beautiful. So how long have you been trying to do it the self-critical way? Probably forever, probably your whole life, even. I know for me, that was a huge part of it, is I was so mean to myself. And I still am. I still have moments of this. Like even as much healing as I've been able to do for myself, I still have moments of self-criticism. And I have to bring myself back to this mindfulness, to this paying attention, to this humanity, right? Maybe it's time to try this. Maybe it's time to try something different. If you've always been doing it this other way, and you still feel stuck and you still feel confused and you still hate on yourself and you still don't know how to heal or where to go from here, try this. Maybe it's time to be a little gentler with yourself. Not because you've earned it, but because you're a human being. And it's human of you for me, you to make mistakes, it's human of you to feel shame, it's human of you to second guess, and it's also totally human of you to show yourself some compassion and kindness through it. Start there. Start small. Notice. Because the more you do this, and the clearer you get and the kinder you are to yourself, the more powerful you are going to feel into being you, into your tuition, into trusting that you've got you, that you've got your back. All right, my friends, that is what I have for you. Thank you so much for being here. I will be back next week. Hi, friend. I'm so glad you're here, and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life with weekly coaching, real life practice, and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to Karin Nelsoncoaching.com. That's www.k-a-r-i-n, n-e-l-s-o-n coaching.com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts. And for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.