133. The Harsh Reality of Hollywood's Faux and Fractured Friendships

You know those friendships that you just can't live without, the ones you cherish as a respite from the chaos of Hollywood? My best friend Estie and I had one of those. But after Estie’s recent move to Oregon, I've been forced to confront the harsh realities of Hollywood friendships.

From the toxic to the genuinely beautiful, I'll take you on a deep exploration of the friendships I've come to appreciate in my time as an actor. I'll also share how wise one veteran actor Kevin E West helped me redefine my understanding of friendship in the industry, and the valuable lessons I learned about recognizing a fair-weather friend.

Navigating Hollywood isn't always a walk in the park, especially with social climbers lurking in every corner. It's like trying to balance on a tightrope – maintaining an open heart, yet being cautious enough not to fall prey. In this tricky balance, I've gleaned some insights about the underlying societal pressures, cultural norms, and personal goals that drive this social climbing phenomenon.

More importantly, I’ve learned to prioritize putting myself first. I invite you to join me as we embark on a journey of self-care, empowering not just ourselves, but each other, in the unforgiving world of Hollywood.

The Hollywood Reporter
"Why Nobody in Hollywood has Any Friends"

Mind Body Green Article
"13 Types of Friends You'll Have in Your Life, From Bet to Toxic"

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"On The Third Rail" Edward Karl Hanson and  "Mystic Star" Eneide

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Chapters

• 0:02 Hollywood Friendships and Toxic Relationships
• 14:27 Navigating Hollywood Friendships and Social Climbing
• 26:19 Support and Empowerment for Actors

Transcript

Tiwana: 0:02

Welcome back to Acting Lessons Learned. I'm Tiwana Floyd and I share the lessons I've learned and still learning as a working actor in Hollywood, and I hope my stories help you to prosper on your actor journey. This is Episode 133. Let's discuss Hollywood Friendships. Cue the dramatic music Dun dun dun. If you're an artist residing in Hollywood, you've likely experienced at least one or three toxic friendships that eventually went bad. And if you're like no, tawanna, I haven't had any bad friendships in Hollywood, I'll give you BoomBastic side-eye asking if not a toxic friendship, how about a horrible roommate situation? And if you still say never had a toxic friendship or a crazy roommate in Hollywood, tawanna, you are an anomaly and I hope you never have to deal with either of those situations.

Tiwana: 0:58

What prompted me to write about this topic is Estie, who I call my bestie, my longest and greatest friend in LA for 16 years, just moved to Oregon last week and I'm sad we have so much in common. She was my food snob companion, my short-stayed travel buddy, my red and rosé wine aficionado. We both love pretty things, deeply discounted fashion and posh experiences. Her frat boy comedy was a perfect pairing for my dark sense of humor Y'all. She even plucked my chin hairs that would grow during my drive from LA to Orange County to visit her. Now that's a friend. Estie is the most generous person I've ever met, yet she's fiercely protective of her boundaries and loved ones. She's a Leo son. I'm a Leo rising. I adore her and I value that. She's not an actor or an artist. Estie is everyday people and we have everyday people conversations, unless she's trying to catch me up on the latest scandal of her favorite reality shows, which, oddly, she and my mother have in common. Estie has been my lovely respite for authentic fellowship and the best thing about her is I always feel safe in her company. She is my confidant. She has never tried to be anybody else and has never tried to work an angle. We can just be in each other's company with no pretense and no mask, through tears, overstuffed bellies, tipsy stumbles, heartbreak and finding the loves of our life. Her relocation has left me in a melancholy mood, but I know this move will be the best thing for her future, so my happiness for the next phase of her life supersedes my melancholy Quite. Frankly, I don't know how long I'll remain in SoCal.

Tiwana: 2:55

Estie planned this move about six months ago, but the grief only settled in as we got closer to the date and it's been a lot to handle, you know. Sometimes it's like am I sad? Why am I sad? Oh, your friend just left. That's why you're sad, girl. It's okay. It's okay to sit in these feelings.

Tiwana: 3:16

I've had surprise tears creep up on me at varying moments and we cried together, me and Estie, as I told her what her friendship has meant to me. During our favorite pastime, splitting a rib by steak, truffle fries and a wedged salad at Morton's, using gift cards from Costco because we love a discount. I am incredibly grateful for our time together. I mean, what are the odds that a black girl from the Bronx and a Korean girl from Maryland would move across the country and meet on a job in Orange County to become close friends? We most definitely won the friend lottery. They say friendships are a reason, a season and a lifetime, but I know our friendship wasn't a season. We'll still go on our girls' trips and I'll visit her in Oregon because it's not that far away and she'll come here as well. But the reality if I'm keeping it at 100, is long-distance friendships change, so we'll see what it looks like.

Tiwana: 4:16

Thankfully, I still have my East Coast homies here in LA, crystal and Anthony. All three of us are Gemini, so we stay productive and it's seldom that our schedules align. Crystal is in her mom's only group between age, college preparatory life and, aunt, that dude is the wind. He's not in the wind, he is the wind. So I ask myself, do I want to start cultivating a new serious friendship all over again? I don't know. I'm like dating that's just hard. And if I start thinking about all the past failed Hollywood acquaintances, ships and the two roommate situations I endured, I'm like yeah, nah, I'm calling no whammy because I'm no longer willing to press my luck on finding my new best friend, and the non-toxic people I've met in LA have already been categorized into varying degrees of friendship. Estee is irreplaceable. She has been the constant comfort in my LA experience.

Tiwana: 5:19

Now, those toxic relationships that I won't talk about left me questioning how in the hell did I prematurely give these folks the title of friend when they hadn't even earned it and probably never would have? But when you're a transplant, especially in a metropolitan city, you're looking for people to connect with to. Like Andre 3000 says, I need somebody to smooth that thing out a little bit, and I do have a few friends for that. You know the term friendship. It's used so loosely in Los Angeles and it kind of makes me cringe every time I hear or say it. There's someone who said I think it's Kevin E West. If Kevin, if you're listening, be like yeah, that was me girl. I think it was him that said listen, stop calling everyone your friend. If you stay in LA long enough, you'll find out you have fewer friends than you think. And I'm paraphrasing and even made a comparison to LA friendships, to a revolving door where people come and go in and out of our lives, and I can even hear my mother is all too familiar voice saying that girl is not your friend, tawanna, you better watch yourself with her. Wait, let me back up a bit because let me rephrase that last, that last portion it's not LA that makes people phony, it's Hollywood, the 30 mile zone, aka TMZ.

Tiwana: 6:37

It's no secret that Hollywood has a systemic problem that often brings out the worst in people. Hollywood is the phony with its smoke and mirrors, botox, facelifts, non-aging celebrities, people afraid to say what's truly on their mind for fear of losing opportunities. Hollywood is the culprit. In 2019, the Hollywood reporter released an article titled why Nobody in Hollywood has Friends. And it commented, and I quote Friend in Hollywood is a malleable term, one that has its own definition, not to be found in a dictionary. In Hollywood, it's too frequently the core of a maelstrom that pits one individual against another. The history of Hollywood is full of faux and fractured friendships, end quote. And then it offered an example of a very public Hollywood BFFude between Michael Ovitz, co-founder of CAA, and Michael Eisner, former chair of Disney. Wow, hollywood is full of faux and fractured friendships. That statement should be in the unofficial Welcome to Hollywood handbook for everyone moving here, and I say unofficial because the official one won't tell you the truth. I feel like knowing this would have helped us move a little differently, right, like the people who moved here, like, if you knew that you can like, really just like, suss people out a little bit more.

Tiwana: 8:04

I did a Google search on friendship classifications, wondering is there a list of the types of friendships? And there was. I found an article on mindbodygreencom titled 13 types of friends you'll have in your life, from best to toxic, written by contributing sex and relationships editor, kelly Gonzalez. There's a link to the article in my description if you'd like to read it. But Kelly segmented the 13 types into two groups eight good types and five toxic types.

Tiwana: 8:35

The good types the best friend you know you're right to die. Reliable and trustworthy, like my ST. Two social friend you know that fun person for the events and the social settings. Three the low dose friends. We like them but only in low doses because they're a lot and not always in a bad way. Four group friends you mostly only hang out with them in a group. Five situational friends we connect meaningfully in a specific setting or a situation. Six work friends self-explanatory. Seven lifelong friends All your homies back home that you probably grew up with and you're still in contact with and they don't want to meet none of your new friends because they know your new friends are trash, or let my friend say it. And then eight life stage friends who you connect with over similar life stages.

Tiwana: 9:28

Then there's the toxic types, the one-sided friends you know that one person who does all the initiating, the planning, the supporting, the tending to the friendship, while the other just sits back and takes. Two the ambivalent friends People don't quite come through the way they say they will. Three codependent friends I feel like this is a major one in Hollywood because of the loneliness factor when friends become overly reliant on each other for their sense of self-worth. Four toxic friends those whose present behavior and friendship negatively affect you and your well-being. And five fake friends Someone who calls themselves your friend but doesn't actually behave like a friend toward you. You know, I want to add to the toxic friend and what that looks like to me. It's those people who pop off due to their dysregulated or undisciplined emotions. And then there's the regardless of whether they know someone, people who talk bad about everybody. They see those who are disrespectful, mean, rude or liars. I maintain firm boundaries with these types.

Tiwana: 10:36

I've been in LA a very long time 18 years is a long time and so I'm a member of many creative circles and communities. So I know a lot of people in Hollywood, like a lot Like, probably, and I think, pretty much anybody who lives in Hollywood. If you're a part of all these different circles and communities, you know a lot of people. So I definitely had to learn to categorize and compartmentalize everyone that I'd meet, and I'll admit I'm not easy to befriend. As one of my homeboys back in New York said damn Tawana, like you really hold your cards close to your chest, like why are you so guarded? I'm like a cat. I feel your energy across the room and I'm deciding if I'm going to walk right past you or if I'm going to rub my body on your leg. And I'm mostly going to keep walking past people Because folks be crazy. I often get invited for coffee or cocktails and I'll oblige, depending on who the person is, because I do enjoy getting to know people. But when it comes to meals, I much prefer to have meals with my situational, my group or my low dose friends or my best friend. But anyone I meet with that I feel energy deficient after spending time with because they're probably energy vampires or complainers or rude or narcissistic or only ever talk about work or the industry. Then I will see less of them and sometimes not at all.

Tiwana: 12:00

It took a long time to understand that I had to recognize my tolerance levels and identify people, the people whose company I genuinely enjoy and didn't mind spending time with, because when I first got to LA I would just meet up or hang out with anyone who asked me, because that was the culture here. That still is the culture here, and many creators are lonely. I experienced loneliness at first Living in Hollywood, away from family and long term friends caused me to seek companionship with folks who weren't grounded or even happy with themselves. It's heavy, oh my gosh. Ok, I'm going to share this story as ambiguously as I can.

Tiwana: 12:40

So about eight years ago I ran into a guy I knew who had been trying to date me since I moved to LA. I was single, he was single, and I said, ah, why not? I'm not doing anything, which is a terrible reason to start dating anyone. So he came to my house one day. We were kissing and suddenly I felt nothing for him, like no passion, just cold, like nothing, no heat, no fire, just done. And I literally stopped him and said you know what? My head isn't in the game. I don't think we should blur the lines, because you know he was a cool dude, but I just didn't think that this was look, I wasn't into it. And he respected my wishes.

Tiwana: 13:18

About a month later he called me out of the blue to chat and he revealed that when he saw me last that kiss, that night of that kiss, he was coming out of a destructive relationship, he shared the deplorable details of his last girlfriend and that he was so happy to see me because he needed love. Oh my god, I was so disgusted and I said so you were trying to date me. After that I explained to him that he was irresponsibly attempting to bring his unhealed heartbreak into my peaceful life and he didn't understand what I was saying. Thank goodness for emotional energy transference, because I unknowingly picked up on something and I lost interest and he still didn't get what I was saying. I just left it at that. But it was the first time I realized people will really try to ruin your life to save their own. There's no way he would have been a good match for me. I have that Instagram video in my head saying it is poor spiritual hygiene to give everyone access to you Took me damn near 40 years to learn that.

Tiwana: 14:27

I want to go back for a moment to my previous episode, number 132, where I discussed the significance of discerning community building over networking. Toward the end of that episode, I briefly touched on the insincere and one-sided individuals who tried to network up for selfish reasons. After I posted that episode actually a couple of days, which always happens to me I'm like, ah, I should have talked about that. I missed an opportunity to discuss social climbers, so I'm going to do it here because they are especially prevalent in Hollywood and it's a constant practice for me to recognize them and disallow them to be in my cipher.

Tiwana: 15:07

The Cambridge Dictionary defines social climbing as an act of trying to improve social standing by befriending those of higher class, often achieved through strategic connections and relationships. Now it's easy for me to think, oh, a higher social class pertains to affluent individuals or celebrities who have higher levels of disposable income, power, control and thus I can remove myself from thinking I have something a social climber wants. No, I really can't. In Hollywood, having a higher social status often means more access to entertainment and work opportunities and people. For actors it can mean you have an agent that somebody wants to be signed with, or you have a good relationship with a particular casting director they want to audition for, or you're always invited to popular events where you can bring a plus one, or you're part of an in-crowd. Maybe you're the strongest actor at your drama studio and this person wants to learn how you do it, or simply say that's my friend. So I have to say, tawana, you can't be too friendly, because social climbers exist and it's not just for rich people.

Tiwana: 16:18

My curiosity had me research to see if there's any behavioral disorders linked to social climbing, and I found that the mental pathology that causes people to be social climbers can be individuals with different underlying mental health or personality issues, like narcissistic personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, generalized anxiety or social anxiety disorder. But the source that I found wasn't a credible authority on mental health connections and since I'm not a licensed psychologist for this conversation, I'll use the last one I found, which claimed social climbing can be a natural human behavior, often driven by societal pressures, cultural norms or personal goals, and this is probably why social climbing is so prevalent in Hollywood Natural behavior driven by societal pressures, cultural norms or personal goals, all of which are significant drivers. Creatives in Hollywood experience, and not just in Hollywood. Social climbing happens in any highly competitive occupation, in any metropolitan city or as simple as high school, because life is high school, perpetuated right.

Tiwana: 17:39

I joked earlier about being a cat and protecting myself, but seriously, I'm guarded because I struggle to keep my heart open when meeting new people, I think primarily because I was raised in New York City and it's dangerous to be too trusting. Now that I'm in Hollywood with these malleable ideas around friendship, I discovered that some people I've let into my cipher were dishonest and untrustworthy, some of them schemers or predators, and so I remain guarded and cautious because I don't want to be hurt or betrayed again and at the same time, I don't want to live with a closed heart. I want to remain open, I want to connect authentically with people, but I'm clear that many of the people I meet in Hollywood are not looking for authentic connections or, when they are, their fear of accomplishing their goal causes them to deviate from authenticity. Lately, I've been pondering how to balance being cautious and available while maintaining a healthy mind, spirit and boundaries. It boils down to character analysis.

Tiwana: 18:49

I work to understand people the same way I try to understand a character I play. I observe them, the things they say, their integrity towards themselves and others. What is their backstory? If I'm privy to any of their backstory, what causes them to act the way they do, questioning why is there a deviation from what they may be presenting to me, versus what they say, and have to be mindful not to ignore the signs of odd or disingenuous behaviors. Also, I have to look at myself and study where I'm being dishonest. Maybe I'm the cause of someone else's distrust because I'm so guarded.

Tiwana: 19:31

But all of this is exhausting to try to justify and to manage, and so sometimes I just have to release it all and say you know what, god, I can't control the outcome of this relationship. You know us, you know our hearts, so I'm just going to surrender and dive in, especially with those people who exhibit characteristics I adore. However, when the person is extraordinarily toxic or I witness a harsh aberration in their behavior, then I have to say how long am I willing to tolerate them? Because toleration is not good. Right, it's a derogatory way of being and I don't want to tolerate someone. I really want to enjoy being in someone's company. All of these questions allow me to measure whether certain friendships in Hollywood or elsewhere are worth my time, energy or commitment. And while this may sound like I have Hollywood friendships all figured out, I don't. I'm still working on being a better human.

Tiwana: 20:33

When I get triggered or someone hurts my feelings or I feel violated or exploited, my childhood wounds of abandonment caused me to throw the whole friendship, no matter how lengthy, into a fiery incinerator, never to be seen again. Let those ashes flow into the air like bannos in Marvel's endgame If I miss them over time. A reconciliation may be needed. But if I'm glad they're gone, I am relieved, and then I look at the lessons that I learned in that, the good and the bad, and I thank them, not personally, I actually thank them in my head. I thank them for the experience.

Tiwana: 21:11

I just wished that I could recognize a clout chasing social climber at Tello, but that's not possible. Is it Because we don't always see snakes in the grass, spiders under our beds or the true identity of masqueraders and Hollywood is full of masqueraders In some form or fashion. We're all trying to be something. We're not. We all wear masks to hide our hurts, our wounds, our ugly sides, our crooked teeth. Some of us even change our names. A social climber is doing what they think they need to do, and I don't even think it's personal. I think it's simply the order of operations, their order of operations, and I try not to resent folks, but it all depends on the offense.

Tiwana: 21:56

But, like Nina Simone saying, I hold no grudge but never once forget. So the best thing that I know to do is to always put myself first, which is hard. I'm getting better at it, but it's hard because I was raised to take care of others, to make sure others are good, and now I'm no longer willing to be accommodating the same way that I had been all of my life. So I'll return back to the question, the original question Am I willing to find a new best friend? I don't, I'm not. I'm not going to declare, like Jennifer Lewis did on the Breakfast Club no new friends. I'm not going to go that far because I don't know what the trajectory of my life holds and I don't want to be in a position where I'm holding myself back from something that a relationship that could actually be really wonderful, like with Estie. I didn't know I was going to come here to meet her, so I'm not closed off by it or to it, I just don't know what it looks like. But right here, right now, my best friends are my homegirls back home, estie, my bae and all of the rest of the friends and the people that I know.

Tiwana: 23:15

All fall into different types of friendships. And before I close out, what have Hollywood friendships been like for you? Do you also question who should or shouldn't be your friend? If what the Hollywood Reporter states is true about friendship being malleable and undefinable in Hollywood, we have to approach each new encounter with people differently If you at the top said that you had not experienced the toxic friendship in Hollywood. I'm going to implore that you look just a little bit deeper at the people around you.

Tiwana: 23:52

Are there any individuals who take jabs at your expense and then say, girl, I was just playing, or man, I was just playing, you can't take a joke, I can't. That's gaslighting. Don't joke at my expense. Also, watch those who enjoy your company and private, wanting to be all up in your mix, but they never invite you out to their functions. And then those who are constantly competing against you, who continually one up you like oh yeah, I already know about that. Oh yeah, I did that already. Oh, you're just learning about that. Oh, I know that person too.

Tiwana: 24:23

Pay attention when your real friends point out things about the toxic friend, especially if you ignore the signs and say, oh, that's just Mary, oh, that's just Paul, that's just the way they are. No, those people are toxic and one day their toxicity will turn on you because, like my mother said, not everybody's your friend, honey. Okay, enough about that, because there are some wonderful friendships and let's, let's celebrate those friendships that we do truly cherish, those equitable friendships who are our confidants, who help us to thrive, who we help to thrive, who, when you're in their company, you feel energized. Let's celebrate that Cheers to friendship, whether it's in Hollywood or London or Chicago. Around the world.

Tiwana: 25:13

Friendships are hard and I don't think it's just Hollywood where the definition changes. I think age changes, I think lifestyle changes and it's also not easy to unfriend someone, especially when you care about them. But we do the best we can and I guess the old adage goes make sure your side of the street is clean and the rest will follow. Thank you for listening. You know this is just something that's been coming up in conversations with a lot of my peers lately and a lot of my Hollywood friends. And you know we, a lot of us, are restructuring. I feel like there might be a reckoning happening cosmically around relationships, especially when it comes to friends, and it's okay. It's okay. Nobody really tells us that friendships end and we don't have to feel guilty about it. So I hope that you're having a wonderful friendship. I hope that you have a wonderful roommate situation. I just overall hope that you are thriving in life and that you have someone to share the happiness with.

Tiwana: 26:19

If you enjoy this episode and you'd like to support acting lessons learned. Why don't you share this episode with a friend or another episode that you liked? You can also leave a rating of five stars or kind review. If you'd like to buy me a coffee, the link is in the bio, along with the links for the 13 types of friendships, as well as the Hollywood Reporter article. Let's join together and put ourselves first, especially those of us who have been taught to put others first. No more. The time has come for us to be first. Be well, I'll see you back here in two weeks. Bye.