Enjoying Life OTR

#52 Strengthening Your Bond When You're Miles Apart

• Malinda Fox-Wellington, Angela Griffin, Dino Grigoriadis • Episode 52

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Join Malinda Fox-Wellington on Enjoying Life OTR as she welcomes Angela Griffith, The Christian Sexpert, to explore maintaining strong relationships in the trucking world. 

Discover the transformative '12 Intimacies' concept, learn practical strategies for staying connected across miles, and find solutions to common long-distance relationship challenges. 

Whether you're a trucker or a partner at home, this episode offers invaluable insights on communication, solo parenting, and keeping love alive despite separation. 

Tune in for expert advice on turning relationship roadblocks into opportunities for deeper connection.

Angela Griffith, known as The Christian Sexpert to over 100,000 social media followers, has dedicated more than two decades to studying human sexuality and God's design for intimacy. With 20+ years of marriage to her trucker husband, Angela brings unique insights into long-distance relationships. A homeschool mom and leader for Natural Christian Mommas, she coaches women to embrace their God-given sexuality. Angela's mission? To challenge the status quo and help couples "Go have good sex!"

Connect with Angela:
Website: https://www.thechristiansexpert.com/
Email: angela@thechristiansexpert.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thechristiansexpert/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thechristiansexpert
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMrHEas4zWmIIHpa4ZmM-JA
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@thechristiansexpert

#TruckerRelationships #LongDistanceLove #IntimacyTips #ChristianSexpert #TruckingLifestyle

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Enjoying Life OTR—because LIVING WELL is worth the effort. We’re sparking curiosity, adventure, & resilience while honoring drivers and embracing a healthier trucking life. Discover creative life hacks & practical strategies to make the most of your time on the road. Join the movement!Explore, enjoy the food, snap the pic, and share tips on saving money along the way.

This podcast is for new and veteran drivers looking to stay mentally, physically, and financially strong while embracing the freedom of the road. We bring you real stories, expert advice, & practical tools to help you thrive, not just survive, in the trucking life.

Connect with Us: Join the Enjoying Life OTR Facebook Group – Share your journey, find trip recommendations, & connect with fellow drivers. Follow our Facebook page – Get the latest podcast episodes, trucking tips, & entertaining content. Visit our website – Explore our journey, see community highlights, and access resources for a healthier, more balanced OTR life.

For questions or to be a guest, email our host, Cindy Tunstall at EnjoyingLifeOTR@gmail.com #HealthierTruckers #EnjoyingLifeOTR #TruckerWellness #OTRLife #WorkLifeBalance



Speaker 1:

Hey, truckers and road warriors, this is Dino, your roadie and guide on the side for enjoying life, otr. When I'm not behind the mic, I'm behind the wheel as a full-time OTR driver and concert hauler of all genres. If you want to hear more about my adventures, check out episode 51. Today, we've got a killer show lined up that's all about keeping the spark alive in your relationship while living the life of a trucker. Our host, melinda Fox Wellington, sat down with Angela Griffin, a Christian sexpert who's married to a trucker herself. They're diving deep into maintaining intimacy, effective communication and balancing family life when you're miles apart, whether you're a seasoned road dog or a rookie driver. This episode is packed with practical tips to strengthen your relationship and keep your home fires burning. So crank up the volume, settle in for the long drive ahead and let's hit the road to better relationships. This is Enjoying Life, otr. Let's hammer down.

Speaker 2:

Enjoying Life OTR Conversations that inspire curiosity, adventure and resilience. We're honoring drivers and sharing their adventures and becoming healthier truckers. Stay tuned to discover creative life hacks and practical strategies for enhancing our well-being and making the most of our time on the road. Welcome to Enjoying Life, OTR.

Speaker 3:

Hey everyone. It's Melinda, and as a driver, I know how the miles between my husband and I can sometimes stretch our relationship to its limits, and there have been nights that I've lain awake wondering if he still feels connected to me despite the distance. Have you felt this way too? So, whether you're a driver missing home, a partner holding down the fort or anyone trying to keep love alive across the miles, this episode is for you. Buckle up, because we're about to take our relationship on the road of a lifetime. Let's hand it over to Angela to get this journey started.

Speaker 4:

Absolutely. Hi, I'm Angela the Christian sexpert. I talk all about sex and intimacy in marriage primarily. But you don't really have to be married or even a Christian to follow me. A good portion of my followers are neither. They say that this is the sex ed that they should have gotten when they were younger.

Speaker 4:

I have been married over 20 years to a truck driver. He wasn't a truck driver when we got married. That started about seven years ago now. He's been on the road for about seven years Currently. His job is amazing. He's home most nights.

Speaker 4:

He's got a salaried position so he doesn't even have to work five days a week, every week most of the time. But there are some times where he still goes out for an overnight run, where he still goes out for an overnight run. And actually two weeks ago we didn't see him all week because he broke down in Detroit and the process of figuring out if he was going to wait for a repair or leave the truck, get a rental, drive to the hub and get a new truck. It was a mess. So we didn't see him for a whole week and I am out of practice with solo parenting, so that was a rough week. But yeah, so I have. I'm a sex and intimacy coach, influencer, um and public speaker, and I have a lot of experience with long distance relationships, solo parenting, um how the over the road life affects a marriage, so that's one of the things that I really love getting to talk about is how we can maintain healthy um marriages sex lives, even when we aren't in the same state.

Speaker 3:

Yes, and that's very important, especially for over the road drivers. It's difficult juggling, I know, with. Luckily I don't have kids at home right now, which you do.

Speaker 4:

Luckily I don't have kids at home right now, which you do. How old?

Speaker 3:

are your kids, my son's about to be 10. Okay so, and it's interesting to see here the opposite side of it, because with me being the driver on the road all the time, I know what it's like being gone and it's going to be interesting to learn what it's like for the ones that stay home to kind of give that different perspective. Like for the ones that stay home to kind of give that different perspective. One of my biggest things with the coach is I had a client and he said the hardest thing that he had adjusting to being over the road was losing that intimacy of sleeping next to someone every night and having that contact, not actual sexual intercourse contact, but just that cuddling contact and everything that intimacy portion of it. He said that was the hardest thing and it affected him mentally more than anything else. Have you come across other drivers like that?

Speaker 4:

absolutely. Um, we humans are designed to be social creatures. We are not meant to live in isolation, and it's real easy for truckers to slip into that isolation unknowingly. And there have been a lot of studies done on the importance of touch, you know, one of the most famous being the monkey study, where the monkey was raised by a robotic mom and the baby just was a failure to thrive because he needed the touch of a mother. And it's so sad. And so there's, there's ways that you can. Nothing, nothing replaces touch. Right, but if you lean into other intimacies with your spouse, you can kind of mitigate the impact a little bit of the lack of physical touch I talk about. There's 12 different types of intimacy that we can experience in marriage. Sex is only one of them. And so really leaning into intimacies like the intellectual intimacy, the communication intimacy, even recreational intimacy with your spouse can help sort of fill that cup until you can be with them again and having the touch.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, that's a great point is all the different types of intimacy. A lot of people really just associate intimacy and sex together and it's so many more factors into it. So I love the work that you're doing. I really do because it's so needed and it's, you know, a lot of our generations, because most truck drivers are in their 40s and 50s. In that generation we didn't really talk about intimacy, so we were never taught all the different levels of it.

Speaker 4:

Absolutely.

Speaker 4:

That's something I run into a lot is people have a very narrow definition of what intimacy is, but if we quickly run through the 12 types of intimacy there's so many, we have the 12 types very quickly are aesthetic, commitment, communication, conflict, creative crisis, emotional, intellectual, recreational, sexual, spiritual and work, and some of those are pretty obvious. Right, communication, intimacy we all know. You know the importance of communication, especially if you have a couple where you're over the road, communication is going to be the number one thing that you need to be doing to keep the marriage healthy. But some other forms of intimacy that we can really lean into with a spouse that's over the road my favorite personally is recreational intimacy. Recreational intimacy is all about how you have fun together and a lot of people right now are like well, how am I supposed to like do recreational intimacy when we're not even in the same same space?

Speaker 4:

My husband and I found ways to adapt our recreational intimacy for when he's not here, because he does still have times where he, um, you know like has to go to a training or you know he has to go change out trucks or something Right, and he's going to be gone for like three days. Um, there's different um board games that we have found that we can adapt to playing together via FaceTime. So, for example, there's um a game called welcome to your perfect home and it's a specialized deck of cards and two sheets of paper and what we do is I set up um my FaceTime camera so that he can see the cards, and then he has a paper and I have a paper and he does his. You know, he plays on his paper, I play on my paper, I flip the cards and he can see it on video, and so we are literally playing a board game together, a card game board game together via FaceTime, and that's. Board games are our favorite form of recreational intimacy anyhow. So that's a very easy way that we can engage in recreational intimacy and maintain that, that closeness while he he's apart. Obviously spiritual intimacy, as we are Christians, one of the things that we do is, if my husband's not home, I call him when I'm putting our son to bed at night and we pray together as a family and that's part of, you know, parenting with our son and the plan for when daddy's not home. You know, we know that we're going to have that spiritual connection at the end of the evening.

Speaker 4:

Um, work intimacy. A lot of truckers, um, my husband loves when I go on the truck with him and that you know that's a very obvious form of work intimacy. But work intimacy usually for most couples is not actually going to their job together, because in most industries that would be pretty weird. But for trucker couples that could be a form of work intimacy. But work intimacy is often more often things like working together to achieve a common goal. So, for instance, when you're home, home cooking a meal together, gardening together, right, the aspects of building your life together is a part of work intimacy, and so there's all kinds of ways that you can engage in those things even when you're apart.

Speaker 3:

Very true, very true. I know with my husband and I we have set times that we communicate on the phone and then you know, of course, touch bases throughout with each other. Like that I also like to whenever, because my dog and I we like to hike a lot whenever we stop at different areas in the house. So then I'll throw up, if I have good signal, video chat and my husband will go on a hike with me.

Speaker 4:

So that is spectacular and so actually that could be a little bit of aesthetic intimacy too, because aesthetic intimacy is creating moments of beauty together in your lives. So you both observing the hiking area, like if you guys watch a sunset together over FaceTime, that's a perfect example of an aesthetic moment of intimacy.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, well, I know, with my husband and I we had to set very clear boundaries on our communication. Like, okay, so when I'm driving and we're communicating on the headset and he says something and I don't respond to him when he feels like I should respond, he used to get very irate with me, like, okay, you're ignoring me and I'm like, no, if you want to communicate with me while I'm driving and I zone out it's because I've got cars that I'm like trying to pay attention to and stuff. So we've had to learn how to set very clear boundaries on our communication. Have you had anybody else that you've worked with on how to figure out? Work with them to figure out how to set those boundaries?

Speaker 4:

my, actually that's something that my husband and I have struggled with. My husband thinks that I have, just like, this magical ability to call him when he's trying to back into a dock, because he's always like you call me. The moment I hit the truck into reverse and I'm like look, I don't know, this is not, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just picking up the phone. Okay, look, I don't know, this is not, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just picking up the phone, okay, um. So we established a system where, um, if I call him and he's backing into a doc or you know, he's in the middle of a traffic jam or whatever, he just ignores the call. Um, he doesn't pick it up, right Cause we had the problem where he would be picking it up and he would be all grumpy with me.

Speaker 4:

He's like I'm backing into it. I'm like then why did you answer? If you're busy, don't answer the phone. He's like well, it could be important. I'm like, okay. So we established if you are backing up, you can't talk whatever, just don't answer the call.

Speaker 4:

And if it's an emergency because we do have a kid, you know if it's an emergency, I will immediately call back. So if I call two or three times in a row. It's an emergency and I really need you to pick up the phone. Otherwise, call me back as soon as you have the ability to do so. Now he does have ADHD, so sometimes I'll call. An hour goes by and I'll call again. He'll be like oh yeah, I forgot to call you back. Right, but that was a boundary that he and I established was, if you know that you're distracted, just don't pick up the call. You know we can. We can talk again in with cause there's there's not a lot of real emergencies, right. Like nobody, nobody. Like the house isn't on fire and his truck isn't on fire.

Speaker 4:

So you know, like it it's, it's not, um, and I think a lot of couple, a lot, a lot of that stuff comes down to, um, one part of the couple perceiving a specific sort of behavior as a personal rejection, and that's not what we need to be doing in healthy relationships is assuming good. Now, if your relationship has other red flags for abuse or neglect or things like that, that's a separate conversation. But if your marriage is generally healthy, then you should be assuming the good in their actions. You know they're distracted, something else is going on.

Speaker 4:

He's on the phone with his boss. You know he's stuck in a traffic jam and he's on the CB trying to get an update about where he should get. Try and get off the highway, right, so assuming. Or alternatively, sometimes he forgets and gets mad and call if he's calling me and he can't get ahold of me right away and I'm like I'm running a business and homeschooling your kid and I'm on the board of directors for another ministry, like dude I. I can't always pick up the phone when you call. So I try and tell him. You know I call him as soon as I get up in the morning and I'll tell. Give him the rundown of. I have a client at you know one. I've got a podcast at 10 and he tries to not call during those times. Right, but it's the same thing he's. He's needs to assume I'm not just ignoring him. You know it might be because I have five other hats that I wear, aside from just his wife.

Speaker 3:

Yes, and I think that's so important to to keep in mind, because I know when my husband and I are communicating, he'll start telling me about his day and I'm like, I mean, I'm not there, I'm not in it. So it's hard for those key aspects to be important to me because I'm elsewhere and I have to remind myself that, even though those key parts are not important to me, but he's important to me and those parts are important to him. So therefore they are important and it's just a conscious mental game.

Speaker 4:

I guess you could say that I play with myself so I can stay focused and remember that those are important, even because they're important to him and he's important to me yeah, really, um, investing in each other's, the minutiae of each other's day-to-day is important because you are separated physically and traditional couples are invested in the minutiae of each other's day-to-day because of proximity, and so you, um trucker couples have to make a conscious effort to be invested in the minutiae of the to day of each other's lives.

Speaker 4:

I I don't honestly care about whether my, what the this is, how bad I am about this. Okay, the things that are supposed to be balanced in the truck and sometimes they don't load it right. And then he has to stop and he has to balance things, and I'm like I don't even know what the word is. There's a word for it and he gripes about it all the time because apparently nobody knows how to load his truck correctly. And I don't, I don't honestly care, but I, I do because that's no, I'm being a good wife and caring, but, dude, if I have to hear about balance, I'm laughing so hard because my husband and I had those conversations and it's so funny because I know exactly what he's talking about and hearing it coming from you.

Speaker 3:

I hear the same thing from my described so poorly, hearing it coming from me, described so so very poorly yes, yes, yes, that's so funny, yeah, um, so, being essentially a spouse of a trucker, you were, for the most part, a single mom, especially when he was over the road. How was that juggle and what are some strategies that you learned to cope with it? And how could your truck driver, whether it's male or female, help at home when they're on the road?

Speaker 4:

help at home when they're on the road. So I first want to make the distinction that when you're married with a spouse, out of the house, most of the time it's solo parenting, because I do still have the support, especially the financial support, versus a single parent is, you know, has no support, and so that's an important distinction, um, which I got jumped for online very early on. Um, and I do think it's an important distinction, uh, between solo and single, but solo parenting Um so the when my husband first went over the road, I had never lived alone in my life. I went straight from my, my parents' house to marriage. Um, we had never been apart for more than two nights after 16 years of marriage and I didn't know what I was doing and everything that could go wrong in our apartment went wrong when he left, literally the day. We dropped him at the bus station at like midnight and the next day my air conditioning was broken. There was um yellow jackets flooding my apartment. Um, the some, some um bottle spray bottle that was on top of my dryer fell over in the middle of the night and my dryer was on fire at two in the morning. Oh, my goodness, all within the first week and we lived in a literal like slum apartment and the slumlords would not fix the air conditioning, even though my son and I had medical conditions that require air conditioning. It was 95 degrees in my apartment. I was in full hysterics.

Speaker 4:

My, my husband, had been the at-home parent for the first three years of our son's life. I was still working because I needed the insurance until his insurance kicked in. I, after like the third or fourth day of dropping my son at the babysitter, I I literally was standing on her front step. She opens the door and just I'm like how did you see all that for so many years? And started sobbing hysterically at 730 in the morning. Um, so it was. It was a hard transition.

Speaker 4:

Um, so some of the things that we implemented in those early days when he truly was over the road, you know, gone um five, six weeks, home three days, gone five, six weeks was um, facetiming over dinner as a family.

Speaker 4:

Um, so I would come home, I would make dinner for my son and I, we would set up the iPad and daddy as long as daddy wasn't um, you know, in the middle of doing something, he was FaceTiming with us um, while we ate dinner.

Speaker 4:

So even if he was driving and couldn't, you know, look at us, my son could see his face, um, and so that was very important, um something. Some other things that we've done is, um, my husband if he, if we know he's going to be gone for a longer time, he will take a book on the truck and call my son and read to my son, while my son is like playing cars or play-doh or something. So he's, you know, it's still an active part of our schooling, um, where he's reading to him. And even if you you don't homeschool, um, it's so important to read to your kids anyway, and that's something that can easily, easily be done via FaceTime. Um, other things are be done via FaceTime. Other things are if there's some sort of a phone call or administrative task that my husband could conceivably handle from the road, I would try and hand that over to him just to take a little bit deeper on that.

Speaker 3:

What do you mean by that?

Speaker 4:

I don't know, switch insurance companies for, like, car insurance. Okay, okay, you know something like that that you know it doesn't require you know it doesn't require me to do it, it doesn't necessarily require him to do it, it's just one person of the couple needs to do it and you don't need access to anything within the household in order to handle that Right. So, um, that sort of thing I would try and hand over. Um, something that was really important was when he was getting ready to come home, we would sit down after my son was would go to bed and we would sort of have a business meeting where we would talk about expectations for his home time. Um, you know things that needed to happen, things that he needed to do, things that we were planning to do as a family, um, sort of you know, if my son had requested anything but, um, you know, like there were. There were certain things like oh, I need you to repair blah, blah, blah when you're home. Right, how do you do this? Yeah, but having that expectation set before he even walks in the door, because one of the things was like he's like well, this is my only time off work. I'm like cool, but this is my only time with my husband I could. There's things I physically cannot do around the house that you have to take care of. And he's thinking I'm just going to play with our kid and sit on the couch for three days. I'm like that's not going to work and so having and I don't want to spend the whole time that he's home fighting that out and making those negotiations I wanted to have those negotiations before he ever got home. So what, our time at home was more peaceful, right? So that's an awesome strategy, right? So we both had clear expectations going into his time off. Um, so there weren't, you know, fights.

Speaker 4:

Because we found, at the beginning, the transition of him being gone and like coming in to this routine that my son and I had established pretty hard, right, because things were different, because he wasn't home all the time and things that had worked when he was the at-home parent were no longer functional for me. He was the at-home parent, were no longer functional for me, and so we needed to make sure that the expectations and transitions were set before he walked back in the house. So I would also try and make sure that all of my personal errands and meal prep and stuff were done before he got home, because I wouldn't want to spend my whole time that he was home in the kitchen cooking. So I would rely heavily on crockpot meals or meal prepping as much as I could before he got home, chopping all the vegetables I was going to use in a dish that he had requested or you know something like that. So I wasn't meal prepping the whole time that he was home. Those are sort of some of the big things.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, those are some awesome tips and tricks that drivers can learn to incorporate to just make time at home a little bit smoother. And I really like the strategy of having, like the night before a ballpark, business meeting.

Speaker 4:

Okay, okay, this is what I need, this is what you need, and, and just establishing that before you even pop those breaks and shut down, you know, for those three or four days, that's an awesome tip yeah, a lot of of conflict in marriage can be avoided if both of you are managing expectations well, because a lot of conflict happens because your spouse is failing to meet some sort of unspoken expectation that you have Part of. Really getting good at communication in marriage is making sure that you are proactively communicating and not waiting until something happens to communicate.

Speaker 3:

So just to kind of articulate this in a different viewpoint if we have a load and we're talking to our dispatcher to get that load, and getting those details hashed out prior to we even start trip planning allows us to trip plan so much better because we already have the details and everything from dispatch. Essentially, it's the same thing with your spouse, but it's with home activities instead of load activities.

Speaker 4:

Absolutely so.

Speaker 4:

Something that I would encourage trucker couples to do is to read or listen to the book Fair Play by Eve Rudotsky, because it's all about who is carrying the mental and emotional labor for your household.

Speaker 4:

The person who is at home by default is going to be carrying the majority of the mental and emotional labor for the entire household, and so it's really important that couples figure out how the trucker spouse can lighten the load on the at-home person, and part of that process is having very explicit conversations that might seem redundant or unnecessary, because you have, like, this internalized belief about like well, this is just the way it's supposed to be, so like why do we have to talk about it? Well, your spouse might not agree with your concept of the way that things are or are supposed to be, and the book lays out for you like how you can have those conversations, how you can discuss expectations and things like that, and so a lot of I think some truckers might get frustrated by the book because they're going to be, like well, I'm not home and this doesn't apply to me, but it does. You're just going to have to figure out how to adapt the concepts to make it apply.

Speaker 3:

Right, yeah, that's a lot of things that I teach about is the strategies, and you know, because we don't live a traditional lifestyle, we have to take key terms and redefine them and just make your own definitions to make it work.

Speaker 3:

And it doesn't matter if it's health and wellness, if it's relationships. You really need to articulate and define the words and make sure your spouse, like you and I, we might have two completely different perceptions or definitions for the word diet. A lot of people have the word diet as a specific planned keto diet, paleo diet. You know that you have to do to lose weight, to get healthy, whereas to me, diet means anything that you eat on a typical day is a diet. So and it's learning to get those terms, uh, defined. So you're both on the same page and not having different perceptions. Because if we start having a conversation about diet and you have a definition of keto, paleo and everything else and I have a definition of just whatever I eat, we're having two different conversations, and so I think that's a great point on getting those that you made with that book. What was the name of the book? Again, just in case anybody else wanted to get into that.

Speaker 3:

It's called Fair Play by eve rudosky okay, so, um, what is there anything else that you want to like touch on or you think is really important for married couples over the road that is into your specialty?

Speaker 4:

um, just I, you know. Again, stressing the importance of communication and expectations, um, and coming back to taking yours if, if you find yourselves in conflict, if you're finding yourselves feeling disconnected, um, taking yourselves back to the 12 types of intimacy and figuring out how can we engage in intimacy and feel closer and act with intentionality to build the marriage, even while we're apart couples. Part of what I do is making a plan, um that reduces decision fatigue for both couples of intentional things that they can do to remain connected, um, even while they're separated, and part of the one of the things that couples with this sort of lifestyle style are going to struggle with is the at-home spouse is going to have a lot of decision fatigue because they are responsible for so many things and they might want to stay connected. You know, and act with intentionality surrounding intimacy, but it can be hard to all right, how? What are we going to do? How are we going to? You know?

Speaker 3:

On the flip side of that, as a driver, we have a lot. I love the term decision fatigue because we have a lot of decision fatigue also as a driver and when we come home we don't want to make any decisions because we're constantly making decisions on the road. So I love this. What are some strategies that you help your clients with in this decision fatigue on building it?

Speaker 4:

So one of the things that I do is we look at the 12 types of intimacy framework and we come up with a personalized menu of things that the couple enjoys. That the couple enjoys, um, and we create, then have a plan of every time they're home the at-home spouse is going to, you're just going to start at the beginning of the cookbook and the at-home spouse will get the ingredients for the first two recipes in the cookbook, have them delivered before the spouse gets home and during home time they're going to cook the first two recipes in the cookbook together. Right, um, and that's work. Intimacy and um, uh, it could be a form of commitment.

Speaker 4:

Intimacy working through a whole cookbook together, um, so making a plan for things that you can do to engage in intimacy during home time and then having a menu of activities that you can do, um, during, you know, while one spouse is over the road.

Speaker 4:

So things like I said, like the board games that you can be, that can be played even when you're apart, things like reading a book together. So either getting on the phone each night and literally reading a chapter from the book over the phone to your spouse while they're like doing dishes or something, and then talking about the chapter, or you each listen to the book, you listen to a chapter, come together and discuss it, and having a menu of activities like that that you guys, once a week, decide okay, from the men, from the menu, this week we're going to do a, b and and j right off the menu and those are our goals for this week. And so once a week you're you're making that decision already you have your goal set, you know what to expect. So when you're tired and exhausted, you aren't trying to make that decision in the moment yeah, I love this.

Speaker 3:

I love this. It really makes a lot of sense and have and you could even do two different decision menus too. You could do one for on the road and one for at home. That away.

Speaker 4:

It just minimize having to make those additional decisions I really encourage having for for this type of lifestyle. I would encourage having a, an in-person menu and an over the road menu. Because an in-person menu and an over-the-road menu? Because the in-person menu is going to open. You're going to have a lot more options on the in-person menu Because, for instance, my husband and I love theater and so on, our menu for at home would be going to a theater performance for creative slash, aesthetic intimacy would be one of our options.

Speaker 4:

Um, obviously we can't do that over the road. We could do something like we could watch a musical together while he's over the road, but that's. It's not the same as going to a, to something, um, and it should be something small and it should take 10, about 10 minutes, and after you do this activity you feel more connected. And so for my husband and I, for a long time it was playing a hand of Rummy, or two hands of Rummy, and we had like an ongoing score, like we wouldn't, the ADHD took over. We would have a, a running score sheet. Right, we wouldn't score each time, like it was in the tens of thousands, the score sheet, um, and that was our go-to. We're tired, we don't want to make a decision, we're going to pull out a deck of cards and we're going to play two hands of roaming, right.

Speaker 4:

So defining for some couples it is some like I have coached couples that love specialty teas and so their go to choice was curating a box of fancy teas and at night, pulling out a tea and sitting down and just having a cup of tea together and sort of chatting, but giving them a focus.

Speaker 4:

So you feel like you are doing an activity, an intentional activity together. Realistically, they were just sitting down and talking about their day, but the trigger was the okay, it's tea time, right. The trigger was the okay, it's tea time, right. And it's the intentionality of the because we can be like oh, we need to. You know, we need to connect more, we need to sit down and talk about our day, and that's kind of nebulous. But giving it a trigger, giving it an intention of okay, we're going to have our, our special box of tea that we're going to pull out every evening after dinner and we're going to intentionally out every evening after dinner and we're going to intentionally brew the tea and sit down and talk. That gives you more of a catalyst, that gives you more intention to sit down and talk about your day yeah, that's great and triggers are so important.

Speaker 3:

Um, as a health and life coach, I teach my because I do more of the um. You know, diet, exercise, health and life coach. I teach my because I do more of the you know, diet, exercise, health and wellness aspect and I tell them all the time. You know, if you just link something like so, every time I fuel I'll do 10 squats and having that trigger to remind you to do something works fantastic. I've never thought about doing it with a relationship, so I love that.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, a lot of what I do is built on practicality and figuring out how to establish practical ways to improve your marriage and your sex life, and giving practical, accessible things of ways to manage your marriage and relationship and things.

Speaker 3:

Now I do want to touch a little bit on sexual intimacy because it's not something that's talked a lot about. As an over-the-road driver and you know most of the time not being very active and having horrible sleep schedule, especially when we're on swing shifts, and you know the diet is usually not very good either those three key factors has a lot to do with sexual performance. What are some strategies or what are some aspects you can touch in on that to help improve that aspect of our relationship?

Speaker 4:

Absolutely so this is. I feel like this should be a whole episode in itself. So two of the key tenants that I talk about for sexual intimacy in marriage. One is sex is meant to be the celebration of intimacy that you've already established before you ever reach the bedroom. So in order for you to have a healthy sex life, you need to be maintaining the other 11 intimacies while you are separated, so that you are not relying on sex to create intimacy when you're at home. So that's the first one is you have to be very intentional about the other 11 intimacies in order to have a healthy sex life to begin with. And the second one is sex is supposed to be the playground of marriage. So sex is supposed to be where we play together.

Speaker 4:

Now, this is important, referencing what you just talked about about a lot of truckers, men in particular, struggle with sexual performance because they're sitting and they're, you know, low exercise, things like that, and so if we are defining sex as simply the act of penetration, you are missing so much right. So let's think of it in this framework of the playground of marriage. If penetration is the slide, who wants to go to a playground? Go down the slide and leave. That's boring. I also or go to the playground 20 times in a row, only go on the slide and leave. That's not. That doesn't sound very appealing.

Speaker 4:

I want to go to a playground and play on the teeter-totter and the swings and the zip line and the sandbox right. I want to do more than just and the slide. The slide is great, but I can also visit the playground and never visit the slide at all. And so sex needs to be defined as more than just penetration. It needs to be the way that you and your spouse engage with each other in physically, sexual ways that are like there's sensory play, there's there's so many other things that we can be doing that don't have to involve penetration. So, if one of you is struggling with the act of penetration, redefine what sex is in the relationship while you address the other factors that are contributing to performance issues with the act of penetration. Sex does not have to involve penetration at all. There are ways that you can both feel satisfied without having the pressure of that performance.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, that's 100%. I agree with that and it goes back to what we just talked about earlier, you know, making those definitions and making sure you define the word the same way. So and that goes back to communication. It's just all a cycle and interlinks. If somebody was wanting to improve their marriage as an over-the-road truck driver and I mean because we just threw a bunch of stuff out at them from you know, all over the place. What would you emphasize on being the first step?

Speaker 4:

I think the first thing would be to start having at least a weekly sort of businessy check-in where you are intentionally talking about the way the home is functioning, who needs support in what area, and also the how you both are feeling about the marriage as a whole, and setting goals for the relationship for the next week, the next month, you know, and and being very intentional with you know setting goals for yourselves for those 12 types of intimacy for the coming week and having and it's going to feel awkward and it's going to feel uncomfortable the first few times that you do it, but having that intentional, explicit discussion um can really start to make a difference.

Speaker 3:

Would it be better to have this discussion at home at the dinner table, face-to-face, or would it be better to have the discussion outside the home in a neutral environment?

Speaker 4:

That's going to completely depend on the couple. Completely depend on the couple. Um, some people would not feel comfortable discussing intimate things outside of their home. And that's valid. And some people might be struggling so much with the relationship that it feels safer to take the discussion out of the home so that nobody can get defensive and blow up, you know. And so that's going to be completely dependent on the couple.

Speaker 3:

Very valid. So once they get on the same page and they have their conversation, their needs and they make a game plan. Or like I tell my clients all the time is you need to trip plan. My program is called Trip Plan your Life and you know so I take all the skills that we take to trip plan a load and you take those same skills into trip planning what that goal is. So once they get those goals identified and those words are defined, so they're on the same page and they start to plan it out. How often should they refer back to that plan as a rule of thumb to ensure it stays consistent and on track?

Speaker 4:

I really like to have couples checking in at least weekly with each other. Um, because goal, you know things, things change during the course of a week, um, and definitely, I think it's important for couples to have short-term and long-term goals. But I also, especially with having one spouse out of the house, I think it's important for a weekly check-in to say, you know, okay, so. So, for example, when my husband was out of the house, you know we would have a check-in and I would say, okay, well, this week we have homeschool co-op and we've got a field trip, and you know, I've got two clients and a podcast, right. And next week it's going to be completely different. You know, next week I might have no clients and three field trips, right? So I think at least a weekly check-in to sort of game plan the upcoming week is super helpful.

Speaker 3:

So pretty much because earlier you mentioned you, you know, at the beginning of the day you do kind of like a daily refresher okay, there we go.

Speaker 4:

Yes, um, I, I understand what you where you were going with this. Um, I think having a sort of weekly overview is important because that's when you talk about things like, um, if you make the menu uh, like the intimacy menu, you can say, okay, well, this week we're going to aim to do these three things off the intimacy menu. So, you know, during the week we're going to try and fit in these three things, um, and then I, I, for our marriage, what works really well is, even now that my husband's home every night. You know, I call him in the morning and I say all right, we're. You know, I'm getting groceries, we're going to the chiropractor and I'm dropping the dog at the groomer.

Speaker 4:

Um, just so, and that's more of a hey, don't call me at 10 AM because I'm recording a podcast sort of reminder for him. Like, if you can't get ahold of me, it's because here are these sorts of things. Um, because I don't expect him to remember three days from now that I told him I've got the chiropractor and a groomer appointment in three days. That's just not something that's going to stick in his brain. So it's two, is it's communicating? Sort of the same things, but in a couple of different ways.

Speaker 3:

Go a little bit deeper on that.

Speaker 4:

During a weekly check-in, you have the opportunity to say, okay, so we've got. You know, I've got three clients, two podcasts, a field trip and play group this week, a groomer and the chiropractor. That gives him the opportunity to say, oh, I really need for my dry cleaning to get picked up, but it sounds like you don't, like you're already super booked this week. So, um, it can either wait until next week, or do you want me to pick it up, um right next week, or do you want me to pick it up, um, right, that the, the weekly sort of gives you the opportunity to um, negotiate who's going to be responsible for what this week. Okay, um.

Speaker 4:

Or, you know, especially if you're someone who's out of the house for six weeks, it gives you the opportunity to do future planning. You know like, oh well, I'm going to be home in two weeks, so if we're wanting to have barbecue when I'm home, then we need to start thinking about, you know, do we have the right food in the freezer or are you going to need to pick it up, right, and sort of future forecasting, practical things, um, and then the, the daily is the. Don't get mad if you call me at 10 and I don't answer because I'm going to be busy, sort of um sort of thing.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, that makes sense, that makes sense completely. And then you know, even as a driver, it's to you know, remind hey, you know I got an appointment between this time and this time, or you know what I'm going to be driving? I should be driving through Atlanta between 10 and 11. So please don't call me during that time, because you know Atlanta is no joke. You know, just having that daily little refresher reminder type deal is, I think, a really huge key to ensure that both people are on the same page. Now, one thing I do want to touch on, since we're about out of time, is the five love languages. I think that's a very huge aspect, along with the 12 intimacies. Personally, I think those two would pretty much fix just about any. If you truly get into the 12 intimacies and the five languages and really understand the key concepts of those can completely change a marriage. So do you want to touch a little bit on the five languages?

Speaker 4:

So I actually am not a fan of the love languages. I find them to be pretty problematic for a few reasons. One is they tend to be very self-focused. You know it turns into well, they're not speaking my love language in the way that I want them to speak it, or you know they're not doing. I'm not feeling love because they're not doing. Blah, blah, blah. And another issue is just about every woman who is married with small children is going to say her love language is acts of service. Is your love language really acts of service or are you simply overwhelmed carrying the mental and emotional labor for the entire household and the smallest act of support feels like love?

Speaker 3:

That's. That's an interesting concept. I have never heard of this perspective of it, so not.

Speaker 4:

a lot of people have Um, and then you have. The majority of men are going to say well, my love language is physical touch, because I want sex. And is it that you want sex? Or you have never been allowed and taught to express emotions and you think sex equals emotional connection? And that goes back to sex is meant to be the celebration of intimacy that you've already established and we, as you said before, we have a whole generation of men who were never properly taught about real intimacy, real emotional vulnerability. True intimacy requires a level of emotional vulnerability that is threatening to a lot of men because they don't understand it, because they were never taught how to truly be emotionally vulnerable with someone else Well, men or women, so it definitely can be both, and they use that as a way to substitute for real vulnerability.

Speaker 4:

And then they think their love language is physical touch, and so or it becomes a weapon. You have to have sex with me because my love language is physical touch, and that's marital coercion and that's not okay. So there's a lot of problems with the love languages.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I can tell I definitely hit a nerve because you know, know, but for me, when I learned about the love languages um gosh, what was about 18 years ago, 15 years ago it helped me understand how to communicate with my husband because we had, you know, mine is just a quality time and you know, if you're going to spend a little bit of time with me, that just means the world to me, whereas you know, his was actually gifts so, and he would always get mad because I never even thought about giving him a gift, because that has nothing to do with me. So it really helped us to get on a more that deeper intimacy level so we could understand where each one was coming from. So I've never heard of this perspective, but I can see. It's just like everything has pros and cons, so I can totally see the side of it too, on where somebody's coming from, on their aspect of it and I know that a lot of people think it's helped them.

Speaker 4:

And you know, I I do. I love seeing marriages improved, so that's that is important to me. But there's also, it's just not the best option anymore. You know, it might've been the best option, you know, 20 years ago. Um, cause I, you know, like I've been married for over 20 years too, and it really was one of the only options back then. But now there's a lot of other options, and especially things like um, I don't want to be loved in just one way. I don't want to be pigeonholed. I want in in my.

Speaker 4:

When I really started deep diving the problems with it, I realized, depending on the phase of life that we're in, I want to be loved in different ways. Right, if my husband has been, if, if I traditionally think my love language is acts of service, because'm a stay-at-home mom who needs more support than I'm getting but my husband has been gone for three weeks, all of a sudden I'm going to want physical touch more than I want acts of service. I'm going to want him snuggling with me because I've been touch-tarred for three weeks, rather than up and doing the dishes. Three weeks rather than up and doing the dishes Versus if he is home every day and I'm home with a sick kid who's been puking for 72 hours and I've been, you know, holding the sick kid all day long while getting puked on, don't touch me, I don't want physical touch, I want you to clean something, right. But then my husband's going to turn around and say, well, I thought your love language was physical touch. No, don't touch me, I'm a pukey mess, I don't want touch, I want you to clean some puke, right.

Speaker 4:

And so the framework becomes very rigid and doesn't allow for the flexibility of. But I thought it turns it into a checklist, something to do instead of really seeing your spouse and where they're at Right. And using a framework like the 12 intimacies is more focused on building the marriage than rather the individual who is saying, well, you're not meeting my needs, right. And if you feel really, um, even like the, the love languages can kind of you can kind of see where they would fit in the intimacies because, like quality time, it could be something like, um, intellectual intimacy, like reading a book together. It could be recreational intimacy, you know, like playing a game together, um, so, but the intimacies are more focused on building the marriage versus the love. Languages are more focused on on self um, and so is there potentially something to be learned from them. Yes, are they really problematic?

Speaker 3:

yes, yeah, like I said, I've never heard of that perspective, but I can see it. It just it person cons to everything, so I can totally see it.

Speaker 4:

Yeah and a lot of people don't really, because a lot of people are just looking at the surface of it versus like. My job as a sex and intimacy coach is to look deeper and like okay, what are the long-term consequences of this framework?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, yeah, valid point, very valid point. I love it. Any final words you want to say to our audience, and also, you need to make sure they know how to find you so they can follow you?

Speaker 4:

Yes, you can find me on my website, thechristiansexpertcom, and all of my socials are linked through my website.

Speaker 3:

Okay, perfect, and we'll also include them on the description in the podcast. So if anybody wants to, they can just go jump on there and just click on the links. That sounds great, all right, thank you so much. Thank you.

Speaker 1:

Hey, there it's Dino, your roadie and guide on the side. Wow, what an amazing conversation we just had about keeping the spark alive on the road. As a driver who's gone almost the entire year, I picked up some great tips. Remember, folks, it's not just about physical touch. There are many types of intimacy. Set up regular check-ins with your partner, Make an intimacy menu, Get creative with FaceTime dates and don't forget to communicate, communicate, communicate. Be sure to follow Angela Griffin on social media for more great content. Her contact info is in the show notes. If hearing this show has made you realize that distance has created some challenges in your relationships, her one-on-one coaching may be just what you need. As you can see from this episode, she has so much wisdom to share. Want more awesome content like this? Join our Facebook groups Enjoying Life, OTR and Healthier Truckers. Share your road adventures, discover hidden gems and connect with fellow drivers in Enjoying Life OTR. Over in Healthier Truckers, tackle daily movement challenges designed specifically for life in the cab. It's all about becoming healthier truckers and buckle up for next week's show.

Speaker 1:

Folks, we're welcoming a true road warrior who's shaking up the industry. This driver-turned-entrepreneur didn't just hit the brakes when faced with injustice. She shifted gears and started her own trucking company. She'll share money-saving hacks, tips for homeschooling on the move and her mission to tackle the truck parking crisis. But that's not all. Hear how she's fighting for better conditions for all drivers, men and women alike. Her story of courage and innovation will inspire you to be the change you want to see in our industry. Trust me, this is one episode you don't want to miss. This is Dino signing off. Keep those wheels turning and that love burning. Catch you on the flip side.

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Cindy Tunstall

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