Letting Go of Vicarious Shame

Raise your hand if the last couple of weeks have felt… heavy.

Not just busy. Not just frustrating.
Heavy.

As more information comes out about the Epstein files and the physicians connected to them, many of us are noticing something uncomfortable stirring beneath the surface. And today, we’re naming it.

Vicarious shame.

Not guilt. Not embarrassment. Not even anger—though that may be there too.
Shame.

And here’s the important distinction:

• Guilt says: I did something bad.
• Shame says: I am bad.
• Vicarious shame is when we feel shame on behalf of someone else and their actions.

You haven’t done anything wrong.
And yet you may feel the weight of it.

Because we are physicians.
Because we identify deeply with our profession.
Because we carry responsibility seriously.
Because we are highly empathic women who have been socialized to hold things together.

And medicine? Medicine has trained us in shame.

We trained in environments where missteps equaled inadequacy.
Where not knowing something meant being exposed.
Where performance and worth blurred into one.

So when we see male physicians—powerful, wealthy, prominent—implicated in abuses of power, something hits close to home. Not because we are like them. But because we share the title.

And if you’ve noticed:

• A heaviness in your chest
• A compulsive urge to scroll and read more
• A sense of disgust that somehow turns inward
• A quiet questioning of the profession

You are not alone.

But here is what we will not do:

We will not carry their shame.

They deserve to experience shame for their actions. Shame is an appropriate human response to wrongdoing. If they do not feel it, that is their pathology—not your burden.

We do not atone for abuses we did not commit.
We do not hold shame for the profession.
We do not absorb the moral weight of other people’s misconduct.

What do we do instead?

1️⃣ We name it.

Naming vicarious shame immediately loosens its grip. When you say, “Oh. That’s what this is,” your nervous system settles.

2️⃣ We speak it.

Shame thrives in silence. When we talk about what we’re feeling—with trusted colleagues, friends, or within supportive spaces—we metabolize it.

3️⃣ We give it back.

There are practices for this. Writing a letter and burning it. Speaking aloud that you are releasing what isn’t yours. Sitting in witness with another human and choosing to let it go.

You are allowed to release shame that does not belong to you.

4️⃣ We practice critical awareness.

You may notice how quickly you internalize responsibility. How readily you identify with the profession. How often you hustle to represent medicine “well.”

You are not the bad actor.

You provide care.
You carry responsibility with integrity.
You have not abused your privilege.

We will not confuse ourselves with them.

This is heavy work. But it is human work. And it is especially