Processing Grief

A quiet episode about grief, what it does to your body and your brain, and why whatever you're doing right now is enough.

Transcript

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00:09
Hi, this is Katie, and thank you for joining me on the Creating Your Sanctuary podcast.

00:14
And this is a podcast about creating those little moments in space that support you.

00:19
And today, I want to talk about grief because Recently, I just lost my mother-in-law, and I know a lot of you are going through something similar.

00:33
It's, you know, it, I know when it, you go through it and then you know this other people going through it, it seems like the whole world's going through it, but I do know, you know, loss of friends and family members happens all the time and you can never predict it.

00:52
Um, and it's hard.

00:54
It's very hard to go through.

00:56
And so 1st and foremost, I just want to send you a virtual hug.

01:01
through through talking and through the magical internet.

01:10
I do have to say that I am pushing through a bit today because the last podcast I recorded is when I got the phone call that she had passed and I was pretty shaky.

01:26
I won't release that episode.

01:27
I don't even remember exactly what it was on.

01:30
I think, whatever the concept was, I'm going to repurpose it later and just transform it into something.

01:36
Um, not really worried about it at this moment, but I recorded the phone call that I received and we did know that she was not doing well, but it was still a shock. And, um, to kind of be sitting here and recording this a couple weeks later is I'm, yeah, I'm kind of pushing through because I, I know I want to keep going.

02:07
And I did give myself some time.

02:10
I'm still very fuzzy brained.

02:13
Um, my executive functioning is not working very well right now.

02:19
And I've been solo parenting for a couple weeks.

02:24
I still have another week to go, and, um, and, you know, going through this at a distance.

02:33
This is our 1st time experiencing this big of a loss, um, after moving to the Netherlands, and, you know, not being able to be in the U.S. and have us all as a family, you know, go to her funeral together.

02:52
Um, it's okay.

02:55
Like, I'm going to honor her in my own way, I'm going to find something really special, um, to do here, and I have some ideas, and there's no time limit on it, and there's no expectation of it, but it's just going to be something kind of beautiful.

03:15
Because that's what she represents, um, there was a lot that I learned from her over the years.

03:22
And at the same time, you know, it's something that I know my husband needed to be there for absolutely, to get support from his family, and to ground himself in that, and understand the gravity of it.

03:42
Sometimes, you know, if it's, Because I've gone through this with my father over 25 years ago.

03:49
And there's something, some things you kind of just have to go through to make it real because your brain can't comprehend it. And it's hard.

04:03
It's hard to go through.

04:04
I'm not going to go through a lot of details about it, but, um, about either death, but, um, it's just something I want to kind of cover 1st here of just like, this is what can happen.

04:21
And then, and then, what do you do with your mind in your body after that?

04:28
Like, what do you feel like you can step forward and do and you just have to be very, very tender with yourself.

04:39
It's not always going to be like this.

04:42
There are going to be moments where you can handle more and there's going to be moments when you can handle less and that's not linear.

04:50
It's not a graph that constantly goes up.

04:53
It's not like, you know, okay, I'm doing 10% today.

04:59
I'll do 20% tomorrow and it slowly builds.

05:03
In general, you know, it kind of goes that way.

05:07
But grief is a roller coaster and things will come up that reminds you of the person and and all the love that you had for that person.

05:20
That's what's showing up is all the love that you had.

05:24
And it comes pouring out of you.

05:27
And it's,

05:30
It's hard because it's like sometimes we have regrets for not displaying all that love when they were here.

05:38
And that's totally valid.

05:41
It's okay to mourn that and to grieve that.

05:45
I also know that As as a person receiving love from others,

05:53
I think you could sit there right now and think, yeah, these people love me around me.

05:59
Like, my, like, I'm just thinking of myself, my mom loves me.

06:05
My husband loves me.

06:06
My son loves me.

06:06
My friends love me and colleagues love me.

06:10
I can feel that love.

06:12
And so I don't personally question that.

06:17
There can be relationships where you do question that and that's okay too.

06:21
But if you reverse that to the person who passed, I think they knew, they knew that you loved them deeply.

06:30
I think they know that.

06:32
So, I try to think in that form.

06:39
Um, sometimes we try to replay, like, what was the last time, you know, we talked to them or the last time, or, that we saw them or, The last time we laughed with them.

06:54
And yeah, you're going to be very, very reflective during this time.

07:00
It's natural.

07:01
It's something that helps us process.

07:07
It helps us process through, you know, not being able to see them.

07:13
in the future.

07:15
And so as we are tenderly, Stepping through this and giving ourselves even more space and more time, being neurodivergent in having chronic illnesses as well, you know, it could cause some flare ups, it could make it really hard to focus.

07:39
It could sometimes, and I kind of have found myself doing this a little bit more, is like you over adapt yourself, and like I'm kind of over, cleaning over, like, doing more than necessary, I guess.

07:57
I mean, I am solo parenting.

07:59
So it's, it's a little different when your spouse or partner isn't around and you normally share all the tasks.

08:07
So it's, it is going to be different there, but, I remember going through this when my son was firstborn.

08:13
Like, it's just, you kind of,

08:17
And I've never been diagnosed with anything like OCD or anything like that, but there was, there's this kind of need to kind of, be busy, I guess.

08:28
I think we've noticed that in others who are going through hard times that will, they'll kind of try to mask the grief with just being busy and maybe that's part of that for me for myself.

08:42
So sometimes that can tire you out and it can be hard to then focus on work and things.

08:48
I thought, you know, 5 days afterwards, and um, my husband took off on the plane that I would be able to have a phone call with someone is like, okay, this is a quick phone call with a colleague.

09:01
I was a mess that day.

09:03
I, I think it's because when he left, my guard just fell.

09:09
Like, I didn't have to mask anymore.

09:12
I was, you know, my son was off at school and he had a much further, my son had a much further distance relationship from her.

09:23
So I wanted to give him space and I keep talking to him about like, do you have any questions?

09:29
Do you want to talk about anything, you know?

09:33
But for me, I mean, she was a major part, we would hear her voice on the phone. Every day, every night, every night.

09:43
Um, there were certain times that she would call us when we were back in Seattle that timed out.

09:52
She was like leaving for work around then.

09:54
Because she was on the east coast, and then from here, it turned out to kind of be the same time because I don't know how to time down, honestly.

10:04
But there was always this presence of her voice through the phone.

10:10
And hearing her say my husband's name or it's just eerily quiet.

10:18
I mean, yeah, he's not here, but there's more to it because I know we're going to notice it over the next few months.

10:26
I say all this because I'm verbally processing this and this is healing for me to just at least share some of these concepts and maybe, maybe this could help somebody else.

10:39
I don't know.

10:40
But I do know she was a very special person, and that's why I'm speaking out right now, and I also know that there's no way I can force anything. I have work to do, and I have things I need to keep rolling, but I also know that taking a pause and appearing when I can.

11:08
in small bits, and this is one of them, is what I can do right now, and being kind of transparent about it and not.

11:21
You know, not glossing over it, not trying to act a certain way when I don't feel that way, you know, that I had recorded a video in between.

11:36
I just don't think I can release it quite yet.

11:38
It's like, it's before I knew, and it's too bubbly, and that's just doesn't feel like me right now.

11:46
So I don't have like a one, 2, 3 list on this is how to, you know, get your work done and go through grieving.

11:56
It just, it doesn't exist because it varies per person.

12:01
There may be people who can throw themselves back into work to distract themselves.

12:06
And I think that's totally valid.

12:08
I think sometimes people can judge that as like, well, you aren't grieving, you're just sidestepping it and you're not actually going through it and it could bubble up later.

12:19
And yes, it could bubble up later.

12:21
But I think people choose how they're going to grieve, and I don't think you can escape it.

12:28
It can have consequences later.

12:31
And when you are feeling that later, It's okay to feel it at that time.

12:36
I know with my dad, it was something that, That 1st month, I was, I stepped up into the strong person role in our family, um, of like trying to help direct things.

12:56
I had the capacity at that time because I wasn't working.

13:00
And so I had the time to be there and go through paperwork and go through things and all of that. And I remember like, uh, month later, I think when I finally left, um, my mom's my parents' house and went back to Seattle and was like, I think that's when I started to Crumble.

13:27
I think that's when it all came back.

13:29
And I had to do a lot of processing.

13:32
And what helped me the most was talking to other people in a support group.

13:38
It just, and maybe this is my way of doing that again.

13:42
You know, the people who listen here, I know some of them, and again, I know some people are going through a very similar situation and know that you're not alone.

13:56
You're not alone in this, and It's funny sometimes how we mirror each other and go through similar things, but I think there can be a lot of coincidence there, but it also can be a very strong thing to help support one another.

14:16
And so we step through it.

14:19
And we relate to it and we talk about it.

14:22
And we also feel like we can move on at certain points.

14:29
Like, I couldn't do this podcast a week ago, I could not. But now I feel like I can step into it.

14:39
And the following episodes aren't gonna be as cheery.

14:44
So everything is gradual and, you know, I can, you know, be on calls with people again, But, and I can laugh again.

14:59
I feel like that's not a betrayal, but to some people, it may feel that way.

15:05
Those feelings of how dare I laugh at a time like this, you know, but there's something very important to feeling your feels, whether it's high or low, whether it's something you find really funny in the moment or not, whether it's something you find really funny in the moment, I think, you know, if they were still here, they would want you to laugh.

15:32
Just like they know that they were loved.

15:36
So just thinking about the theme of this podcast is just creating those moments that support you.

15:42
That's what going through grief is, is creating moments, whether it's canceling an appointment, whether it's taking a walk, whether it's cooking a meal that they taught you because it brings you comfort, whether it's reaching out to a friend, whether it's reaching out to family members who are going through the same thing, whether it's, you know, just taking a break, jotting down ideas,

16:12
journaling about it, talking about it, processing it, creating art around it.

16:19
There's just so many little things, and you don't have to do them all, and you don't have to do any of them, or do some of them?

16:27
You know, it's totally up to you and you don't have to speed race through them either.

16:33
You take your time.

16:35
And communicate to others around you that that's where you're at.

16:42
I think that's one of the big things I had to learn was telling other people.

16:46
I'm not ready for that.

16:48
And then, yes, I'm ready for that.

16:51
So,

16:53
However, you're experiencing grief right now, if you are going through it or if it happened a while back for you or when it comes upon you in your life, just know that whatever you're doing is enough.

17:10
I'll see you next time.