Punching Perfectionism in the Face

002. Is perfectionism preventing you from reaching for your goals and striving for better things in life? 

Have you been getting ready to do something and feeling a little bit afraid, talking yourself out of it, or trying to make sure everything's perfect, just to stall the process? 

At the same time, this stalling and overthinking is kind of taking you down and sucking all the joy out of what you're trying to accomplish. If you've got your hand raised, you're in the right place!

Transcript

Hi, you are just in time. I'm about to perform an exorcism. Now, now, before you leave, it's not the kind of  exorcism that you think it's got nothing to do with like demons and stuff like that. Sort of though. I am. Putting together my podcast at the moment. And I'm about to launch it. And this big demon or monkey is on my back.

And the name of the monkey is perfectionism. Anybody out there can relate, is anybody else they're getting ready to do something and feeling a little bit afraid or talking yourself out of it or trying to make sure everything's perfect. Just to stall the process. Um, at the same time, this is kind of taking you down and taking the joy, sucking all the joy out of what you're trying to accomplish anybody with their hands raised, because if so, you're in the right place.

So this is kind of a self-talk, but I figured that I would carry along with me just in case you can use it too. So when did to talk about the. Reasons why perfectionism is toxic and then how to break up with it. How's that sound? So, uh, I think there's a difference between striving for excellence and then expecting perfectionism, especially in a situation where you're just starting something new and you're a beginner.

So one of the reasons why perfectionism is toxic is because it is unrealistic. It's not a thing. It doesn't really. So you're chasing after something that you is just not real. I mean, you could, you see that perfectionism is an end result of things. It's a state, but it's not an ongoing thing. You can't be perfect.

Ongoing, otherwise you're just not real. So. One of the things that's interesting about perfectionism is that it's some kind of standard that you're trying to live up to. And because there's a standard, it means that everybody needs to fall in line. And for those rebels out there, You start having to ask, like who the hell is setting up these crap standards.

It it's not me, so, but we're deciding to follow along. And lots of times the standards of perfection keep changing, uh, case in point is beauty. I remember growing up. It was really the standard to be sticks in impossibly sin. Few women have bodies that are sticks in like that. And then all of a sudden it was like the curvy body.

And then there was the athletic body and the Terminator, uh, Linda, I forget her last name. Her body. And you kept having to shift what you were supposed to be to quote be perfect. And so it's kind of like a moving target in the reason is because it's fabricated it's from an external source of some powers that be out there.

We're saying what perfection is meant to be. So instead of following this unrealistic shape-shifting standard, then instead it's. You feel like is something that would make you happy instead, because shooting for perfectionism is just not realistic. And so the better guideposts is to think about getting better and improving every time and excellence.

Also perfectionism keeps us playing small and it can stop us from striving and dreaming big. Going back to the. Example of the podcast. I am starting over again. I have another podcast that I launched, I think way back in 2017 called awesome medical grid. And just as I was getting traction there, I ended up with a great opportunity to make a bigger impact.

So I assessed the situation. And I realized, you know, I have enough episodes in that podcast to help people with what I was trying to accomplish, which was to find resources, to be able to help them with  alternatives to the medical model. There's a place for the medical model. But then there are some areas where they just don't have all the answers.

And so for people who want to look for alternatives or something more integrative, something you'd do a long time. Instead of the medical model, there were some amazing mentors and people that I interviewed there and I felt like, okay, well, I've accomplished some of the things that I wanted to do there.

And I had another amazing opportunity to work with somebody who was a leader in the health and wellness space. And I figured, you know, where can I make the biggest impact? All of that is to say though, um, it's a few years later and all things come to an end and. Now I'm starting up my podcast again, and I'm doing something different in terms of my focus, which is to bring positivity, joy, and as a result, better health to people.

And so, I'm a beginner again and starting up again is very daunting. But if I were to give into my perfectionism, I would be playing small because. Uh, the thoughts came over in my mind that, you know, recorded a few times stopping and starting and too many ums and AHS, and then feeling like this isn't perfect.

And so, um, have not made progress, even though I decided I wanted to do this at the end of last year and here we're in March mid-March in fact. And so when you strive for perfectionism, it means sometimes. Not striving at all, not making any progress, just exhausting yourself, hitting walls, and just judging yourself.

And  it made me want to just quit and think that, you know,  there are so many good podcasts out there. What do I have to contribute? And, um, You know, I've got a busy household. I don't have a studio or even a quiet room that it can record. And so heads up, you're going to hear a Buster, the dog kind of moving around with his little tags, tinkling around and sometimes you'll hear him snoring and I've got my mom living in the household.

Yeah. Helping her too through the Twilight years. And honestly she helps me a lot too. I don't want to , make it seem like it's a one-way situation. And then I've got the two boys in the house and I've got my husband who sometimes works at home because that's, what's happening in this state, in the world during the pandemic situation.

So. He does a busy household. And if I expect everything to be perfect, then I'm not going to make any headway because life is messy sometimes, and that's just kind of how it goes. So it keeps us playing small, being a perfectionist. It also sucks the fun out of doing anything new. If. Immersed in self-flagellation and inspecting and nitpicking at everything.

As you're beginning to do something, it just makes it a chore and it makes it discouraging and just another way to feel bad. So why do that to yourself? If you're going to do something new, it makes sense to just, you know, have fun. Let, let it go a little bit. Just. Expect everything to be perfect all the way.

I love the saying that Jensen, chiro this, not saying, but this idea that she put out there in her amazing book, you are a bad-ass. I read that a few times when it came out a few years ago, she said, when you're putting yourself out there and trying something new instead of freaking out and being a perfectionist and being afraid, or having imposter syndrome, getting to the question of.

What, what will this, what will happen here? What what's going to come out of this? What can I get away with? Not in a, like undermining or some  a negative way more, just like in a fun way, like, you know, what can happen? So putting some fun and magic and mystery Intuit and being curious.

And saying, Hmm. I wonder what I can get away with. How far can I go? What can come of this when you're embarking on something new is a lot more fun than, uh, how many ways can I  poke holes into what I'm doing and make myself feel really bad and not want to do it again. So have fun with perfectionism.

Another reason why perfectionism is toxic is because, especially in a new space and when you're trying to be encouraging, if I show up as if I've done it all and I'm completely perfect. And I'm on top of the mountain, it's less relatable not to say that you want to go out there and play small because you don't want to hurt other people's feelings or make them feel threatened.

If you're a few steps ahead with people. Sometimes I find that it's a lot more inspirational than to be the person at the top of the mountain. Who's figured it all out because that is just a long road to travel sometimes. And a lot of times that's actually not even real. I mean, as an example, being in the health and wellness space, It's not possible to be perfectly healthy, every single moment, every single season of life, because life happens and stressors happen and you know, we're not superhuman.

And so it's part of life to have some things happen to your health and have those ebbs and flows. And a lot of times, a lot of us are just steps ahead and we have a lot of tools that we can share. And so health is not a straight line. It's a messy up and down, back and forth. 10 steps forward. Three steps back journey.

To present yourself as somebody who's got it all together. And always perfect all the time, I think is not so relatable and not so realistic. I like those people and I appreciate those people out there that aren't just themselves. And even when things aren't perfect, they show up and it's just about being authentic and human, just celebrating humanity and diversity.

And so don't be discouraged if you're not perfect. Getting out there and being relatable and doing the best that you can is often good enough. It's time that being authentic and human comes back again and just. Also, they say that comparison is a CIF of joy, but the wicked step-sister is perfectionism because when you're comparing, what are you doing?

You're thinking about how much better other people are doing than you are. And it's really interesting because in this day and age, we have more ability than ever before in history of humankind to present this. Perfectionism. I mean, we're all able to take pictures and we're able to modify them and we could do audio and edit them.

We could do video and edit them so that it seems like everything's amazing and perfect, but then that's not the reality.  People have. Post pictures when they, they have like the best lighting  or the best setting and they delete the ones that aren't so great. So you're getting the high reels of what everybody is experiencing.

So there's this simulated sense that your world isn't stacking up the same, but that's really not the reality. And so. Stop comparing, try not to compare with what other people are doing compared to where you are. Comparison though is also not honoring where you are on your journey, because it's like that analogy of comparing your chapter one to somebody else's chapter two.

And there's something so amazing and magical about being a beginner. I remember when, uh, shout out to national holistic Institute. When I was a student for massage therapy and health education in Emeryville, California, there was a teacher who always welcomed all the students during the orientation by saying that he was always inspired and in awe.

People taking action to learn something new, to become better as humans. And that's true. There is something sacred about that beginner situation. And so give yourself the space to be excited about that, and honor the fact that you are being courageous, doing something new and look forward to the idea that life is going to change for the better, because you're being brave and taking steps with uncertainty and.

Doing something to make things better for you and probably for other people as well. Don't let comparison and perfectionism be the thief of your joy. So honor that beginner's journey. And then also when you're being a perfectionist and comparing your discounting, the other person's hard work Yeah, there's a lot of blood, sweat, and tears.

When you see somebody who is excelling at something that they put into it. And so instead of thinking, oh, that person is, I can never be like that person instead flip the script and be inspired that they had done so much to. Go towards excellence and look at the results that they're getting. So let's talk about how to break up with perfectionism.

I think for me, one of the most helpful things is to focus on my why, for example, in launching this podcast, I'm thinking that I really love the idea. Finding a community of people who are also like-minded, who want to make improvements in their life. Life is too short to be stressed out and unhappy.

And so finding ways to find more joy, the decreased stress and get healthier. And so I'm going to be sharing a lot of the things that I'm doing. That's been helpful for me and my clients. Also, I have a lot of people that I know that are health and wellness practitioners that are just, they have so many great.

Things that say it's so many different areas of expertise I want to share. And so what a waste to not be able to share that and just to be sitting here in my fear and in my perfectionism and just doing nothing and letting time tick by, that's just seems really selfish. So if I focus on my why, it gives me the courage to get out there and.

Just do the things I need to do to accomplish my goals. The second thing to do, if you want to break up with perfectionism is to embrace sucking at something for awhile. Um, so I'm totally guilty of wanting to do things perfectly the first couple of times. And, and I know that that really just shows that my.

Beginner's mind that muscle of being at a beginner and doing something new is not so strong. So. Be okay with beacon like that, baby getting up and then falling down and then thinking about ways to , get yourself up again and moving without slowing yourself down and just all this self-flagellation and making yourself feel bad, have a growth mindset, knowing that all steps are important and relevant and any step that you can.

To move forward is amazing. And something to be celebrated, uh, you know, like with the babies, everybody who's had a baby or been around one when they fall down we go over to them and we say, oh, that's amazing. Look at you. That's right. You took a few steps and you start clapping and you say, this is so amazing.

You're doing great. You're just going to keep going, getting better and better and better. Why don't we do that for ourselves? It's just kind of interesting, right? How are we don't treat ourselves the way that we treat some other beings that are beginners. And so we probably don't want to encourage yourself in the baby talking coup at ourselves, but, or maybe you do.

But there are ways to be encouraging to ourselves like celebrating every little thing that we do in the direction of our dreams, whether it be just like a yay. That's amazing. As I'm learning about neuro. That's that is enough to reward your brain, to keep going, or a self hug or, you know, treating yourself to like a cup of tea or something that you really liked that makes you happy.

It doesn't have to be something big, but stick with the beginner's mind. And Ella, like Jensen chiro said, ask yourself, like, what. You know, what can I get away with? How far will this take me? Where will it go? And also have fun with it. As I said, perfectionism, since this sucks, the joy out of everything, but whatever you're doing, find a way to have fun with it.

I remember when my sister and I, gifted mom and my stepdad with a trip to the Caribbean on a cruise. That was such a fun trip. But anyways, there was an event where some world champion dancers were teaching us how to social dance. And so my sister and I got dressed up, my mom and dad got dressed up and we went to the dance hall and we learned how to ballroom dance.

And it was really interesting because. My mom and dad got totally obsessed with it. They bought all the video tapes at the time. I think it was VHS that the champion dancers offered and they were diligent. Mom and dad went home and they were practicing and they were stepping on each other and yeah, every now and then they bickered and said, why don't you follow my lead?

Or, you're not leading the strongly enough. Cause there was that, but you can tell they were having fun and enjoying themselves. And so. They, um, so anyway, so that's an example of just not, not making it a chore, but have fun with it. Find a way to make it a joyful experience and celebrate every win.

Another way to break up with perfectionism is to find mentors. Because they'll pull back the curtain, they'll show you how they got to where they are and put some perspective into place, but also give you some stats. Um, you know, sometimes part of the fun when you're trying something new is to figure it out.

But if you want a quick start your progress, and it's a good idea to find a mentor who can guide you along the way and actually cheer you on. So that's one way, another way. To ditch perfectionism and somewhat along those lines. Another great thing to do to ditch perfectionism is to find other people who are doing the same thing and like an accountability partner and encourage each other, cheer each other on compare notes, troubleshoot together.

I was honored and, and lucky enough to be. A facilitator in a large Facebook group. And it was a group program where there were a regular challenges and these were a health challenges reaching like goals, like a detox reboot. And because I was there it was nice because they had some buddy mentoring and sharing different concepts and ideas to complete the program.

But I think what really made the process fun was. The people, I mean, it was just so great to see people in the group and this is an online community, but certainly having  in-person communities would be probably even more amazing. But with the online community, it was amazing to see people step up and be willing to say, Hey, I'm having trouble over here or what should I do?

And you would have. Five or six different people say, you know, that happened to me too. And this is what I did or other people saying, you know, thanks for reaching out. That's so encouraging. I had the same problem and I'm so glad that you, you spoke up and people were just encouraging each other, cheering each other on celebrating with each other.

And also if somebody had a setback, there was somebody there to help. So when you do something with support, you have so much more ability to accomplish your goals and so much more perspective. And when you see that you're not the only one who's striving, then you can ditch that perfectionism more easily because you realize there's just so much diversity in how people get things done, that it becomes more fun and you're able to have more support and excitement and inspiration along the way.

Also another thing you could do to ditch perfectionism is rewrite the script, like literally ditch that perfectionism and put your own stamp on whatever you're doing. So an example again is my mom and dad with their ballroom dancing. At some point they got really proficient at dancing and although they didn't do it perfectly, according to the champion dancers and they.

Style. It was just so much fun to watch it, tune them dance on the dance floor. It was just so easy to wash and flow glide and spin along the dance floor. My mom and dad got so into it that my dad actually converted the patio deck area into an enclosed space, complete with a ballroom dancing flooring.

And he also bought one of those old school kind of like a jukebox or stereo systems where there was a disco lights. Flashing and you would see them dancing and they didn't do it in the, they, they wouldn't have probably been able to compete and get like points on the point system of perfectionism. But in my book, it was the most beautiful and fun thing to watch.

The two of them dancing and gliding and twirling on the dance floor of their own making in their own way. So put your own stamp on it, be yourself and make it something that's fun and amazing. And only something that you can. And also remember again, that there's a difference between perfectionism and excellence.

Perfectionism is something that. Is that in a moment of time or an end result, but it's a, not an ongoing experience. So I think it's easier and better and more healthy actually to strive for excellence, which is really, enjoying the journey. Watching the improvement over time and celebrating that and just the evolution of things.

So whenever you're starting something new, be excited to watch the evolution and experience that the fun, and then celebrate it every single time. So something else that's a left field, maybe less conventional way to ditch perfectionism is to know that there is a deadline. One of the things that I learned through the cancer journey with my husband.

He was diagnosed about eight years ago now, a little over seven years to be exact. And when you have a situation where somebody has had a terminal diagnosis and life is uncertain on a day to day basis, it really makes you feel like Making sure that you only focus on what's most important and to ditch the rest.

And so none of us lives forever. And how would you feel if the end of your life came upon you and you didn't get to do the things that really were on your bucket list, the things that you felt like you were meant to do in this lifetime? Yeah, Buster was whimpering just now it's more because he saw somebody walk by and wants to go play, but I'm going to pretend it's because he's thinking about what he wants to do on his bucket list.

So how would you feel? I mean, uh, there's the regrets of the dying and one of the regressives, just not enjoying life. And working too much and not spending more time with family, but it's just like, you don't want to get to the end of your life and have regrets.  And it's interesting to note that one of the top five regrets of the dying, the number one regret is wishing that they had the courage to live a life true to themselves and not the life others expected of them. So this is so important to note because you don't want to have this regret at the end of your day.

So look back and wish that you'd done it your way.

And if perfectionism is holding you back, just know that it's, sometimes it really is now or never because you never know. So at the end of the day, when you start doing something, I like, I promise you before I post or publish any podcast episode, I think the important thing is to ask yourself, Is it helpful to others?

And you, did you do your best and did you enjoy the process at the end of the day? You're the only you, there is in the world. So be you because you're perfect just the way you are. And also it's up to others to decide whether or not they want to be around or not. If they want to continue with you on your journey.

And when you give yourself permission to be just you and who you are in all your imperfection. Then there's immediately a sense of peace because there's less efforting. There are some less doubt because nobody knows how to be you better than you. Right. And so it means that you are okay just as you are and not to be afraid to step out of this idea of being perfect and just let people.

Enjoy, whoever it is that you are, and that will give him permission to, to also show up authentically and be who they are. And, I once took a course called speak to inspire by Lisa Nichols. She's an amazing speaker for those of you who have not had an opportunity to hear her speak. And in the beginning of the course and throughout the course, actually I think it's been awhile, but she said, get yourself to a place where we, where you have nothing to hide, nothing, to protect, nothing to prove and nothing to defend.

And I didn't really. Understand or integrate in my mind what that meant. And throughout the course, I started understanding and it really, I think what she's saying is to get rid of all the negative self-talk and re forgive yourself for the things that you did, that makes you feel like you're not a good person and know that you don't have anything to prove you're enough being who you are.

And have nothing to hide. And when you can do that, you're at your most powerful, and you don't have to worry about perfectionism because you are enough. There's also another quote by Shauna Shapiro, a meditation expert and author of good morning. I love you. She says perfectionism is a static state and it is the antithesis of evolution.

Wow. Perfectionism is a static state and it's actually the opposite of evolution. So it's getting the way of our ability to evolve and do better and become better. So we definitely have to override it so that we can evolve. And then. As Irene mentioned, perfectionism is the enemy of progress, which is something that Winston, Churchill had said.

So all this is to say, we should save perfectionism for when it makes sense. Like if you're a brain surgeon but otherwise go out there and show off your awesome, imperfect, happy, amazing self so that others can be inspired to do this. So with that said, what would you start today? If you didn't have to be perfect because you don't have to be perfect.

Let's make a pact. So as I'm releasing podcasts I am not going to pretend to be perfect. I'm going to just show up as myself. And I hope that you will do the same, and I hope that you continue on this journey with me so we can continue to think about these kinds of things that we can release anything that is holding us back from living our best lives so that we can instead ditch stress, choose joy and get healthy.

Okay. Thanks so much, please subscribe. So we stay in touch. Thank you for listening and have yourself an amazing day.