BOUNDARIES, Toxic People & Hugging Porcupines w/Danita Sparling

005  Do you feel burned out and experience low self esteem? A surprising cause can be a lack of boundaries.

I know - we don't like to talk about creating boundaries because they require having some tough conversations. But if we have relationships that haven't been working out this could cause lots of stress and burnout that just ruins your quality of life.

When you do start creating boundaries, life can change dramatically for the better. Imagine a world where all of your relationships are healthy, uplifting, and respectful, - no more negative or toxic people who make us feel bad or suck the joy out of our lives.  And when those energy vampires or toxic people do crop up, we'll know how to recognize them and what to do.

Today's guest is Danita Sparling.  She is a Certified Life Coach through Coach Training Alliance who specializes in helping women blossom so they can experience healthy relationships. She is always learning and growing to provide the best and latest resources for her clients.

Danita has earned a certification as a Neuro-Linguistic Programming Master Practitioner and received her Certificate in Marriage, Family, and Human Relations. She is currently working toward becoming a Certified Family Life Educator through the National Council on Family Relations.

Sign up for Danita's online course on Boundaries here.

Find out more about Danita at: 
Her website: https://sparlinglifecoaching.com/   
Facebook:  https://m.facebook.com/sparlinglifecoaching/

TAKE THE QUIZ - Are you toxic to others? Find out here: https://sparlinglifecoaching.com/2021/12/14/reality-check-are-you-toxic-to-others/

Get a copy of Danita's favorite book on relationships: How to Hug a Porcupine
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/how-to-hug-a-porcupine-debbie-joffe-ellis/1111616289

Transcript

Hey there. Thanks for joining me today. I am so excited that you're here with me because we're going to be talking about a topic that is seriously, something I believe everybody should have learned about at school and life just can't be amazing without it. And what we're talking about is setting boundaries.

I know we don't like to talk about it because. These are some tough conversations. If we have relationships that haven't been working out, but when you do start creating boundaries, life can change dramatically for the better. Imagine a world where all of your relationships are healthy, uplifting, and respectful, nor more negative or toxic people who make us feel bad or.

The joy out of our lives. And when they do crop up, we know what to do. Well, all of this is possible, but with the amazing magic of setting boundaries, and I won't pretend that this is fun or easy, but that's why I'm excited to introduce you to today's guest. Her name is Danita Sparling, a relationship expert.

And let me read to you. Official bio denia is a certified health coach through coach training Alliance who specializes in helping women blossom so they can experience healthy relationships. She is always learning and growing to provide the best and latest resources for her clients. The Nita has earned a certification as a neuro linguistic programming master.

Practitioner and received her certificate in marriage, family, and human relations. She is currently working towards becoming a certified family life educator through the national council on family relations. And the thing I love about Danita is she is a lifelong learner, just like me. And in fact, I met Denita through my NLP training course, neuro linguistic programming, which is essentially the psychology of human.

Optimization. She's been a master NLP practitioner for some time.  I, when I reached out in the course program's Facebook group to find an accountability partner, she generously offered to review the foundational program along with me. And since then, she's shared a lot of fantastic resources for personal development with me.

And I knew I wanted to share her work with like-minded women who are looking for ways to improve their minds. Self care and resilience and something else I love about Danita is that she has a no nonsense, straightforward style.  She is realistic and is, she is all about empowering people to take responsibility for their own health and wellbeing and to take action with really great tools.

So let's get into the interview and learn about the importance of , how to get started, what to expect when you do. And I'll check in with some takeaways. Hi, Denita. I am so excited that you're here with us today on this topic of boundaries. Yes. I am excited to one of my favorite topics. Perfect.

Because it's one of those things where at this late date in my life, it wasn't something that I really knew you could do something about. It was, you know, I, life happens to me and I react to it. And the whole idea of it is just something that is life changing. So thank you so much for agreeing to share.

Your deep knowledge about this topic and how you help people. I was wondering if we could start it with you sharing a little bit about yourself and how you got into the work that you do. Okay. Um, so I am about 43 years old and I've been married for. Married for 20 years to a man that I did not set boundaries with.

And I learned the hard way that you will lose yourself if you do not set boundaries. And because I didn't, we, we ended up in a divorce, which is very hard. I have four children and it's very hard on you emotionally, financially, and in so many ways. So boundaries for me is something that I learned the hard way that is very important to have.

And now I'm remarried and I have a wonderful husband, but no matter who you are, you always have to set boundaries because everybody steps over boundaries. And so I've learned in my life, um, the importance of boundaries I am. After my divorce, I got into coaching. I became a certified coach and I'm also working.

So my specialty is working with families, mostly women who are struggling because they didn't set boundaries. They struggle with low self esteem. They struggle with exhaustion and I help them find themselves. And develop a sense of confidence knowing who they are so they can be strong enough to set boundaries and experience healthy relationships that resonates so much with me Danita, I went through a divorce in 2006.

Um, same thing, I guess you have. Unspoken agreements that you set up between any kind of relationship I suppose. And all of a sudden you realize at some point, wow, this isn't, this isn't working really well, but don't know what to do. Um, or maybe it just sort of like you react to it because you don't even realize it.

Unspoken agreement and you're right. It just sort of not knowing about it can really derail our relationship and the dynamic and having an awareness is something that could really change everything. How did you learn about boundaries and begin to apply it? So, um, when I was going through my divorce, it was emotional trauma is emotionally traumatizing to me.

And so I started to go through counseling and I was. I got with a counselor who was excellent. And he taught me about boundaries and I had to learn to set boundaries to get through the divorce and survive it. And so he walked me through the process. So I personally went through the process and one of the most difficult things that you could ever do, which is going through a divorce, I learned how to set boundaries and, um, After going through that experience, I realized how important it was that not only do you need to set boundaries with your spouse, but with your children, with, with anybody, you know?

And so through that experience, I learned the importance of boundaries. And so I went on my own journey to learn as much as I could about setting boundaries and steady. Myself and taking, um, courses online to learn about boundaries. And I've just been gathering for the past. This has been five years, um, information on how to set boundaries and why it's so important.

So you ask the question. Why, why are boundaries important? Well, there's two main reasons. The first one is because I've learned that. You are responsible for your own protection. You cannot and others to protect you and you have to take responsibility for that. And so that's one of the number one reasons why we need to set boundaries is we need to protect ourselves emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally.

I have to do that. So, and number two is, and this is something I learned. Um, is this not just for you, it's also for the person that you're setting the boundaries for as well? Um, deep down inside all of us, I believe that there is goodness. And when we mistreat each other, We don't feel good. We just don't.

And so when you help others, whether it's your children or your spouse to learn, to treat each other properly and not mistreat each other, you are doing, you're doing something for them as well. And so, and there there'll be happier if they learn to behave in a more, um, appropriate and respectful way, they will be happier.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I remember, um, there was something I was doing in a relationship. Um, it was a friend relationship and it wasn't until like years into it, she mentioned something was doing, was setting in and it's, it's very, very specific to each person and it made me feel so bad. Because I had no idea and it was easy for me to change when I was doing so it was just teaching me how to talk to her in a way that doesn't trigger her or make her feel like I was like implying anything.

But the fact that she didn't say anything and I didn't know. It felt really bad and it was just that conversation and I stopped and didn't have to worry about it again. So yeah, I think it's really powerful because it's just like, it could be just a conversation away. Um, but we say that the way you draw boundaries is the same.

Like what are the different kinds of boundaries that, yes. So there's a right way and a wrong way to do boundaries. So I like to, when I, when I talk to my clients, I give them three types of boundaries. There's an, I use a fence as an analogy. So your home is like you. Okay. It's your spiritual, your physical, your mental wellbeing, emotional wellbeing, and offense is your boundary.

Okay. And when you go to someone's house, some people don't have fences at all. Right. And they allow people to trample all over their lawn, put trash on it, you know, come in and out whenever they want. That is an example of someone who has absolutely no boundaries and no consequences for those who missed.

And sometimes we let our spouses and our children miss treatise with no consequences whatsoever. And that is very, um, damaging to us. It creates low self esteem. It creates, um, a feeling of exhaustion and no respect for yourself. And so. So that is the first and that is just, you just don't have boundaries, you know, you don't correct people.

Um, and then the second one I would have to say is like a prison wall. And that to me is like, you know, a prison wall is like 12 feet height. It has a razor sharp wire at the top. And that is, you know, people who don't trust anybody and assume everybody's out to. You know, and that's a lonely life. That is a very lonely life, and you're not being who you are.

If you don't connect with people, we are social creatures that need each other. And so if you are refusing to connect with other people to become vulnerable, to allow people into your life, then you are going to live a very lonely life. And so that's, that's the second boundary. And then the third one is my favorite one and it's the white picket fence around a farm house.

That's the kind of boundary that you want to strive to accomplish. And it is a beautiful boundary. It's very welcoming and very loving. Right. But yet there's clear lines as to where your property is. Right. It's, it's very obvious. This is where her property is, but yet it's, it doesn't push people away. So that is what we try to achieve as far as the types of boundaries.

At night. I love the analogies that you put in there. I, and I've definitely been guilty of too. And I'm working on evolving the white picket fence. Um, yeah, definitely no boundaries. Uh, you get burnt out because people have open access and there's no. Yeah, there was no line in the sand. And so I remember just kind of being a people pleaser and being a caregiver and not really thinking about my own needs.

And so you're just kind of responding and it gets into the space of you feel obligated to do all these things and guilty, not well. You can actually have control over this. The other part is that like the prison wall, I know that there's this saying that people either think that the world is. So it's like the flip side for the people who don't think they may be, they've been burned.

And I, I was kind of like that with relationships. I mean, my divorce, I think it's one of those situations where you get into that negative impact of no boundaries and suddenly go the opposite. People just tend to, when they get hurt, do the complete opposite and then don't let anybody in. And nobody, you know, there's landmines everywhere.

And so it's really difficult to function because you're not letting anybody in. And I remember I was so secretive and so protective of my time and you know, it's sort of like locked down, like nobody's getting over these boundaries, but you're like you said, People can't be there and they can't support you and they can't know what you need.

Um, when you're distancing yourself and locking them out. Oh, at the end of the day, you ended up not having a true relationship because people don't even know who you are. They're too busy trying not to get into those landmines cause right. Or they give up on you because they feel like they have to walk on eggshells to keep you happy.

Right? Yeah, absolutely. So can you walk us through, when you're talking to a person they come to you and they ask about boundaries. What does the process look like in terms of how they begin to build that? Well, I have. I mean, I call them principles, which are truths that you have to learn to apply yourself.

So the first one is like more of a mindset and that is that you, you have to let go of the expectation that you can change people. So a lot of us think that, you know, we have to change that. But the reality is we have no control over that person. And so as soon as you let go of that expectation, you open the door to changing your focus to how can I change this person to, how can I influence this person, which.

Better perspective. So, cause we wear ourselves out. A lot of times we get frustrated because we have expectations and they don't meet those expectations that we have for them. The second thing that I teach them is, um, to set a boundary, you cannot, and it will not be successful if you do it with anger in your heart.

So you need to come to peace with this person in your heart. That doesn't mean. When, when I mean, coming to peace with them is to look at them as a person that they have feelings that they have thoughts that they have struggles and they're doing the best that they know how to do at this point in their life.

And also what really helps me when I set boundaries is to remember that I probably crossed people's boundaries. Right. We're all guilty in doing that. And so if we can remember that, we need to be a little more humble and remember that we're not perfect either. Then when we set these boundaries with these people that will do it with a loving heart, rather than anger setting boundaries with anger will only turn them away from you rather than teaching them with love and kindness.

And influencing them for better. So, so that's the second one. The third one is to determine exactly what behaviors are not acceptable to you. And usually what I do is I have, you know, if I'm working with a mom or a spouse, I have them right now. Tell me exactly what it is that you will not put up with that is not acceptable to you.

And I'll have them write down. Um, and then the next part is determined. What you will do if. Behave that way, because like I said before, you can't control them. And I see a lot of people set boundaries and say, you know, if you do this, then you have to do that. Well, usually it doesn't work because you can't make people do anything.

You just can't. I've tried it before with my kids. Sometimes they're stubborn and they put their foot down. Even my spouse, I put the foot down and say, no, I'm not going to do. So you have to decide what you will do if they behave that way. And so, you know, one example is I was working with a mom who, who had a young child that would throw a tantrum and he would do it for her attention.

So she came up with this idea that every time he threw a tantrum, she would just go into the other room and lock the. And just leave his presence so he didn't get any attention and he would stop. So, and this is, yeah. So this is, this is where it's very personal. You know, we each have different situations and we have to figure out what's best for us, but those are the that's the principle.

And then the last one is absolutely be consistent. You have to consistently set that boundary and do it. So when you're deciding what you will do, you have to be able to do it in any circumstances anywhere. So it has to be a realistic thing that you say you're going to do. Like if you tell them I'm going to, um, you know, slap you, if you do that, that's not something you're going to do.

So it can't be a threat like that. It's gotta be realistic. So. Um, those are, let's see. Yeah. So that's usually what I do when I take someone through that, I have them ask themselves those questions and then find out, and then they think through their situation and what's best for them. So empowering because you get to start thinking about the things that make you unhappy and begin to rescript.

What really would help that relationship be better and then give the other person the opportunity. And like you said, I, few people are creatures of habit. So if you just do it once, even, I dunno if you're hearing like my Boston terrier, even he knows if you don't mean it, if you're not consistent, I mean, they're just good.

Sometimes they just forget. And then sometimes it's just a force of habit and sometimes they just think they can get away with it. When you keep repeating it over time and you know, they know you mean this and they're not going to get what they want. Like in the example of, you know, the little one going a tantrum or trying to get attention.

So that makes perfect sense. Dialing back to what you were saying about making a person doing something to do something or influencing. Can you give an example of what you mean when you say influencing another person? Um, influencing means that you connect with them in a way that they will actually listen.

So you develop a relationship with them to the point where they respect you rather than force. Or, you know, anger, usually people who feel forced into something or are treated. Badly, they don't listen. And so to influence someone, you actually need to work on the relationship and to influence someone has taken away the idea that you can control them and focus more on your circle of influence, which really is what can you do rather than what do they need?

So to influence is focusing on what you can do differently to make the relationship better rather than what do they have. Oh, yes. And that makes sense. The next couple of steps of making sure that you are being thoughtful about how you communicating with them, where you're not just being an antagonist so that they can feel like you're not pushing against them.

You can't fight what. Resisting. So you're not pushing at them. Yeah. You're being open and you're coming at them from a place of understanding and trying to be compassionate. And also that makes sense with the other step you were saying that you, we also cross boundaries, so it's not like we're coming at them from a place that we're better judgmental and just kind of like being open.

Yeah. And that gives us space because knowing that we also cross boundaries, that they'll probably also have things that they want to say. To protect their boundaries. So it's a mutual thing. It's not just us asking for something and demanding, but just showing, Hey, you know, we're coming in a place from let's improve this relationship and knowing that we're flawed too, or, you know, we're not perfect.

And then also just letting them know that they're trying to do their best. And so they don't feel like they're being attacked, they're being understood. Yeah. And it's more based on what you're saying about influencing it's more collaborative. And now you're both going towards the same goal with a, in a place of respect and kindness and wanting to just be better.

Yeah. And there's actually a principle you can follow to help you to influence rather than to cause the goal is not to attack their self-worth. We need to keep people's self-worth intact. And so to do that, when you make statements like I'm going to set this boundary because I feel. This way about something, rather than you do this, you're attacking who they are.

When you say you do this to me, you're saying you're a bad person, rather than putting it back on you and say, I feel this way. When you do this, then you're not attacking their self-worth. So that's a, that's a great way to, to remember, to use those words. When you are setting boundaries, say, I feel rather than you are.

Yeah, that's such a good tip because there's nothing to attack there. Sort of the focus is on how it's making you feel it also, when you think about setting boundaries, I feel like people can think that you're setting something up to maybe put yourself in a place where there might be conflict, because now you're shifting things around and you're changing the rules.

It makes sense that you're, you're approaching it in a way that's not going to necessarily cause conflict. So on the flip side of it, though, if it's something that the person doesn't feel like, um, is there some tip or trick you can share if maybe the way that you're setting the boundary? Is there like a typical reason why it doesn't work out and what people can do about it?

Um, so when I went through my counseling, he explained to me that when you set a boundary with someone it'll get worse before it gets better, you need to remember that because most people don't know. Boundaries in a way, because it's like, you're correcting them. Right? And most people don't like to be corrected or told what to do.

So he said, usually what you do is you hang in there and two things will happen. He said, and this is mostly in, or, you know, like a relationship, not with a child necessarily, but if you're dating someone or you're with, you know, someone in a, in a relationship, they will either conform. To it and the relationship will improve or they will leave the relationship.

So you have to decide, is this someone I actually want to have a relationship with because some people are toxic. And so you have to decide that for yourself, if this is a relationship that you actually want to keep going. And so that was something that was really important to me is I had to decide if this was a healthy relationship.

And even though I had set boundaries and I try my best to do it. He wasn't keeping them. And so I had to it and it ended the relationship ended. So, um, that's such a, yeah, so interesting. I mean, so it is really courageous but necessary for your happiness, I think for both sides, right? Because if your boundaries aren't being upheld, but that person can't be super happy either because you keep doing something and they keep doing something bad and it becomes a not so happy relationship.

On either side. Yes. And so it's a signal that maybe something needs to change if it's not in the same direction, but it's really tough, isn't it? Because people don't like change. No, they don't. And, um, they're afraid of conflict and also feel that set breaking a relationship is the worst thing that can happen.

Yes. And yeah. So what do you say to somebody who's worried about these things and start having that be in their way? Yeah. Uh, you know, a lot of people stay in abusive relationships because they feel stuck in there, you know, or, or they feel like what they think is love is love, but it's not, you know? And so you really have to sit down and say, is this a healthy relationship?

And if it's not, then it's probably not the best thing for you, but give people an opportunity to change. You know, that's what boundaries do because you may be in a hell in a very unhealthy relationship right now, but give them the opportunity to see if they'll work it out with you. So. Did don't confuse love, love also in includes.

And I think the world struggles because we really don't know what love is, you know, it's, um, love, isn't this toxic feeling that you have it's it's respect and it's kindness and it's sacrifice. You know, that's what love is it sounds like. So if you're already in a relationship, um, these steps can really help and I can see why.

Benefit from having somebody guide you, coach you and help you be accountable and see some perspective around it. Because just going out there and trying to create boundaries where there weren't any before or when you had boundaries everywhere and you're trying to shift things, it sounds like it it's work.

It takes time and it takes diligence and perspective and real honesty, like self honesty and honesty with the person you're in relationship with. Yeah. Ideally, I guess you start. So, um, setting the boundaries when you're in a new relationship, so that foundationally, you know, things are kind of in agreement, they know that this is part of, is that how you started in your relationship that you're in now?

And of course with kids, it sounds like it's something that you already aware of. Yeah, I definitely was, um, watching for signs of abusive behavior when I was in. I educated myself, read a couple of books so that I can identify certain behaviors that I knew that I didn't want to have in my life. And so that was really helpful.

Um, but I think the thing that is probably most helpful for me moving forward and seeking out a healthy relationship is to try to do it with love, you know, 'cause most people are really good and I've learned a lot of people just have never learned how to treat each other properly. You know, whether they grew up in an environment where their parents were harsh or they've had harsh relationships, you know?

And so if you are loving and kind. Change you'll influence them for good. So, um, and it's really hard because I I'm really not for divorce, you know, I've really not. And I really do it is so hard on relationships. So, um, if you can make it work with your spouse, I would, you know, and just try really hard to set those boundaries because it's not fair to you to live in a relationship where you're so miserable.

But, um, if you can learn to set good boundaries and really work with this person so much. Then having to go through, go through a divorce. So that is something I would definitely encourage people to do. And when I work with someone, I definitely don't jump to, you know, if they don't, if they don't fit this mold, you know, you need to get rid of them.

No.

So, and that's where remembering that you're not perfect either. Really helps with that. So I'm not sure did I answer? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. It's like, you're saying, you know, people come from different backgrounds and different upbringings and this topic of boundaries. I don't think it's something that people really stop and think about.

It's something, like I said, I, you just kind of react to your life and you feel like, however, you were treated, whatever you grew up with was acceptable and okay. And normal because it was no benchmark. No. You know, contrast to that. And so it's really interesting to really be empowered with the idea that you can cultivate relationships that make me feel good and eliminate anything that really doesn't work for you.

That doesn't make you happy. Doesn't make you feel supported or loved or understood. And it would be definitely. Ideal to be able to salvage a relationship. And it's a good example for the next generation for your kids to be able to see that in action. So that they're aware from that time in life. I mean, wouldn't that be nice to go back in time and know that these things are really important.

And then on the flip side, Mr. Relationship, that's not salvageable. It's good for the kids to actually see people practicing self-care and boundaries and what that looks like. Truly. Yeah. To protect yourself in and make sure that you teach them to do the same. That's what we want for our kids to be around people that are good to them and for them, and be able to protect themselves.

So something that you said too was really interesting. And I know that I was. Looking around in your website, but you were talking about toxic personnel and the question was argue, and I thought, oh yeah, that's true. What am I doing? Um, so can you continue to explain what that means? So that people who are looking at creating boundaries, some of the things to look for so they can know as you're going into a relationship or even in the ones that you're involved in currently, how you can spot that.

So you know that you don't see. Dreading and biting against something that may just be what it is. Yes. I would say there's two things that stand out to me. Number one is controlling. Controlling is a sign of a lot of fear behind the person and it stifles you. So controlling behavior, which is they try to tell you who you can be with when you can be with them, how long they can, you know, you can do that.

And they just, they tell you, you know, what you can wear and what you can't wear, or, or you have to get the permission to do, to go shopping and buy things that is very controlling. And so that, that is a sign that, um, that is not a healthy relationship. They have some fear that they need to address. Before they can be in a healthy relationship.

Um, number two would be, um, so people like to say, I don't, I don't know if you're someone who someone has said you're just too sensitive. Okay. Um, usually that's a sign that they, they may be too sarcastic and. And I have met some people where they use sec sarcasm, as you know, I'm just joking. Right. But I don't agree if you're with a man and in a relationship and they just kind of joke around and say something demeaning to you and try to make it sound like it's funny.

That's, that's a bad sign. You know, you, you want to avoid people who when you're not even married. You know, and they start making comments that make you feel less of a person that's not a healthy relationship. So those are the two things I would watch for control. And, um, any comments that are demeaning to you as a woman?

They're very clear. I mean, You had really specific examples. So it's not like I'm wondering, you know, if that's really the case or not, but it is really clear Ms. I've been in relationships. Yeah. Feeling constricted and controlled, like yeah. Because you know, their presence controlling, you feel controlled or kind of like, you can't be who you are or be yourself because they're trying to create.

You went to something that is not necessarily who you are and, um, yeah, with sarcasm. Yeah. I guess usually sarcasm is a way saying something, but taking the edge off, but still saying. Right. So, so yeah, just because it's sarcastic doesn't mean that they don't mean it. And so that's a really, really good point.

So, yes. So what, what does life feel like after your you're in the white picket fence? Is it like a process or do you feel like you get to a place where you're in the white picket fence and you live happily ever after? How does that work? You know, relationships. You know, in and out of your life. And so it's, it's, it is the process.

Um, mostly, so one of the things that I have learned is how to do it without, um, becoming hardened. You know, if you can set boundaries with people with a calm, loving heart, then you're doing pretty good. You know, um, unfortunately a lot of women who have been hurt, they will become. And they will become man haters.

So always checking yourself, always checking your heart and seeing where it's at. Cause we can go up and down really quick, you know, and we can, we can become angry very quickly. You know. And so when we see ourselves getting that angry, we need to check ourselves and come back down and remember that white picket fence and do something to calm ourselves, to bring peace into our lives.

You know, everybody has things that do that for me, it's prayer. Um, for other people it's meditation, uh, whatever it is that calms your heart and brings you back to that gratitude to that love. That's the best way to stay within that white picket fence. It's showing up with that loving presence. Yeah. Um, yeah.

And being able to respond, not react. Um, I love all of that makes so much sense. I, you know, as I'm doing it, I love that you are somebody who is always learning and you're always sharing resources with me and like, oh, let me get on top of that. That's really great. Um, but just always thinking about ways to be better yourself.

You can influence people and come at them from a place of being present and accepting. It's like you said, people go through life with their set of lenses. And so you kind of can read into things in the wrong way. And, and I love what you're saying about knowing when a person is toxic, but also like, just look at yourself and think about whether, because I I've been in.

Seasons in my life when I was super controlling. And somebody said that to me, like you are, you're trying to control everything. Why do you have your finger in that pie? First year? They didn't say it in loving kindness. I was resistant and offended. But then when you sit with it, you're like, well, why am I doing that?

And like you said, it's from a place of fear and contraction and trying to make sure that your needs are getting met. So everybody's just trying to. Find their happiness, happiness, and peace in the world. And I think that when you give a person a place where you're setting boundaries, you give them permission to do the same.

Yes. Um, I think that's probably a good sign that that person is, has the potential of both like creating a really, really good relationship where. Your needs are met. And for in this relationship that I have now, I felt like, you know, divorce is so expensive and when you have kids, there's no really disconnecting from that relationship.

It's interesting. They needed. Cause we ended up communicating even more. Maybe not more effectively, I'm not saying that, but we were communicating even more after the divorce happened. And so it's sort of like, we still needed to figure out and that's where I guess by hook or crook, getting through raising two kids together.

I was kind of forced to not in an elegant way. Like, I think that if I had this conversation with you, it would have been a lot easier, but putting boundaries up, like you throw it at them or you try and manhandle it into them force, like you said, Make them do it. And then it was like really messy, but at some point it, it, it occurred to me that if a person is not speaking kindly, just because you're on the phone already, or they have access to a text message.

It doesn't mean that you have to sit there. No, for some reasons there was a rule in my brain. And so it was really empowered to know that, oh, you know what, I can hang up and I can tell this person. Oh, this conversation is getting really unproductive. I'm going to hang up until we're both calm and can come back to it, click and didn't hold that boundary.

And so it's kind of like you said, didn't take it seriously. So it kept happening. And then one day I decided this is not going anywhere, so I'm going to be consistent. And so, so things change, but I feel like a good sign that you're, you're in a good relationship. It's okay to say what you think and have difficult conversations.

And then in the moment, I guess, depending on the person, maybe the person needs to walk away, but maybe express it. They need to walk away or figure it out, but then they come back and complete the conversation. Yes. And that's actually a boundary that they really recommend in spousal relationships is to take a.

You know, and you can do that in a loving way. You can say, look, I, I want to have this conversation with you. You are important to me, but right now is not the best time to talk about this. We're both angry. We're going to say that we regret and we're going to hurt each other. And because I care about you and I respect myself, I think we need a break.

That is one of the best ways to deal with a related. We're starting to get out of hand. And that happens with every relationship, right. There are times that we just don't get along. Right. And it's so helpful to speak that way because I'm the type. Okay. We're going to resolve this right now. And don't you walk away from me cause I need to cause I'm going to feel bad and not so with my husband, I mean, he, he needs to walk away and think about it for those exact reasons.

And so sort of like feeling our way through initially. Um, I'm outta here and he storms out of the room. And so I'm sitting there thinking this is going to keep happening and I'm spiraling out. And it, when we were calm, I was able to say, this is how I felt when you did that. And he was able to explain, well, this is how I feel when things start escalating, it's matter of protection for himself.

Um, but also for me. So yeah, it just, it it's a, it's a process. Learning how another person thinks and works and honoring that it's going to be sometimes uncomfortable. So yeah, it's something that is like either way I'm at the end of the day. I like what you said about honoring yourself. You're not abetting yourself and only you can do that when you're able to set up boundaries and you're, you're protecting yourself and you can trust yourself.

It's this whole thing for me as a caregiver and as somebody who's taking care of other people and forgotten about myself and the whole equation, boundaries are so important, especially because so many people are relying on us as parents is women. A lot of times, I don't want to over-generalize, but we're the ones who are keeping the relationships together and, you know, the day to day and everything, and so more important than ever to really have those boundaries in place.

Yeah. Yes. And I agree. And, and there's, you know, there's one, one thing that, you know, just to finish it off is, you know, not only do you need to set boundaries with others, but you need to, you need to decide how you want to treat others. You know, and you need to set those boundaries with yourself and say, I will not do this and I will not do that.

And you know, I don't name, call. I don't scream and yell. And it just deciding how you want to treat others, because that's who you are. You know, we're all good at the core. And if we go off track as to who we are, we're going to be miserable. So if we want to be happy, we need to learn how to treat others and set those boundaries with ourselves.

That's such a great point. I think about how you want to treat other people. So, so what are some really. Helpful resources or things that you, uh, you did on your journey that really helped you be able to create better boundaries and improve your relationships? Well, I have a couple of my favorite books that I've read.

And so my favorite one is how to hog up a porcupine and I love it. And it shows on the cover of the book. It shows a man in armor. And if you go into my website and you see, I have a test on there to see if you are toxic, um, That's where it's his quiz. So his name is Dr. John Lewis Lund and his book is how to deal with toxic and difficult, um, to love personalities.

And it helps you to understand, you know, what is toxic? What does that mean? You know, and it helps you to identify toxic behavior in yourself. Honestly to some degree, we're all toxic and there's different levels of toxic, toxic people. There's some that are highly toxic and there's some where, you know, we're normal human beings, right?

So, um, I love his, he actually, my two favorite things and I I'm going to create, um, some classes on this. I'm really excited about it, but he teaches you how to give criticism and he teaches you how to receive credit. And he has some steps that he goes through. So that was one of my favorite things, you know, because I have to say one of my biggest struggles is many times taking criticism, especially from my husband.

You know how you mentioned sometimes, you know, you, you can be controlling at one point in your life. I, I found that I can be easily offended if I'm criticized. And I think it was part of my upbringing, you know, um, To take his steps and to apply. It has been very helpful for me to overcome that challenge.

So I highly recommend his book. I always tell my clients about him and have them. Whenever, um, they're dealing with that. So a difficult relationship. I love it. Whether it's a child or a spouse, that's the thing. Right. Everybody has one. I get, well, yeah. Most of us have one or maybe we're not even aware like you, like you were saying not being aware, but just sort of like.

And I, I'm excited to learn more about the program you're putting together. So when it's all ready to go, maybe I can post it in a link, um, in the show notes so that people can get access to it. And being continued to find out more about it from you, just because the more I delve into the topic or learn about the topic, the more it makes so much sense, but it's not something they teach you in school.

And I think people happen upon it when they start, like, I think people still don't understand why they get burned. Where they feel resentful or they shut in our, they overreact or they under-react, or they keep getting traumatized over and over and over again. And they think it's just, you know, what's going on.

The world is unsafe and that's just the way it is. So I love that this is so empowering and. But mutual mentor sets the quality of your relationships impact the quality of your life. So I love that this is the focus that you have. I'm guessing that's probably why you do what you do, because yes, you've seen the impact that it's made in your life.

Yes. And it's true because your relationships can either bring you, you know, your greatest sorrow or your greatest joy. And it's interesting because there's, um, there's information out there now. The people who age the less and who are happiest in their retirement are those who have good relationships more than whether they exercise more than what they eat more than anything else.

They have found that people who live along healthy, healthy lives and look younger are those who have good relationships. So it, it impacts us in so many ways. Yeah. You know, it's like, if people can hear that and think about that, the regressive, the dying, right. One of the regrets is not having nurtured their relationships and spending more time trying to make money or being afraid to speak their truth or what they believe in, but how people would live their lives differently.

If they really thought about the importance of relationships. When I was going through my divorce, Denita, I, I did the. I cut everybody out. That was when the boundaries were up and nobody knew, see a separation happened in January. Nobody knew until July and I had nobody and it was the roughest road because I was navigating it by myself.

And it's like, how much easier would it be? Um, his since then I've like reached out for help and nurtured a lot of good relationships. If, um, there were people there just to help people still showed up. I mean, but they had to notice and then push their way in and say, let me help you with this otherwise.

Yes, absolutely. So, yeah, it's really, really. Such an important topic. And I'm, I thank you so much for being with us today, sharing what, you know, I think this is going to be new to a lot of people who have not considered and why do my relationships keep becoming toxic? Or why do people not want to be around me?

Or, you know, it's this idea that you look at what's going on with yourself and being aware and then being aware of what you need and the Redford. To what may not be a good, because it's good to catch it beforehand. Isn't it then to be mindful of it and, and turn around and try and undo everything. I said a wise man once said, when you're dating, keep your eyes wide open when you're married, keep them half shut.

I love that. That makes a lot of sense too. Um, so where can people find you if they want to learn more about you or stay connected with. Yeah. So, um, I do have a website that's called Spurling life coaching.com. Um, and I do have information out there. It shares my intense story of what I went through. I actually, because of the stress that I was going through, I did have a mental breakdown that was pretty serious.

And at that point I realized I needed help with my life. And I started, uh, that was 18 years ago. So since then I have been striving to find a way to be healthier. And so that it kind of shares a little bit of my story on there. And it talks about, um, my coaching method, which is called ignite your light, because I believe that the best way to have healthy relationships is to become healthy yours.

Um, so I help women to know who they are on the inside and help to become that person. And when they do that, there'll be strong enough to set boundaries and to recognize healthy behaviors and healthy relationships. And so. Um, it goes into detail on there and I'm hoping to eventually have my classes on that website as well.

So just, um, family is coming first right now, but I do enjoy moments where I get to talk to people about what I love.

No, absolutely family is super important. And, um, you you've left a lot of really like, ah, yeah, I'd really like to learn more about your story. I read about it now. I want to read it again because knowing a little bit more about how you help other people, it makes a lot of sense. And then taking that quiz to find out if we're toxic, we probably all are, like you said, and where that might show up.

So. Yeah. When wanted to encourage the listeners to go there and take that quiz. And also I will be posting the book that you recommended so that they can read that as well. And yes, I'm definitely looking forward to hearing more about the courses that you're putting together, just because I know you're constantly studying and, um, learning how to help other people and improve what you're doing in your own life.

So thank you so much for being here. Yes. Thank you for inviting. Hopefully we can chat again soon. Yes. I look forward to it. You're awesome. Thank you so much. Okay. To somebody. Great pearls. Let me see if I can gather a few for you. So one of the pearls is that everybody can be toxic 10 times. What? I didn't really think about it that way, but yes, definitely.

We all have different things that we could be doing in the world that might not be serving us or the people that we love. And so that was a really interesting takeaway. And if you are interested in finding out if you are doing anything that's toxic, then I invite you to take the quiz. Denita mentioned, and I will put the link to the show notes.

Also that setting boundaries is important for you to be able to, to protect yourself and others. So it's as much about you as the person that you're in a relationship with. And that makes perfect sense now, understanding that we can be toxic as well. The other great takeaway is that without setting boundaries, you end up feeling burnt out and losing your self esteem and also feeling resentful.

And this can create an overall toxic relationship. So you are responsible for your own protection and nobody else can do this for you. And another great takeaway is that you can't change others. You can only influence them. And that's really only by being compassionate and understanding where they're coming from and then being inspirational and collaborative so that they want to do.

That are good for you in a relationship. And also there'll be safe and comfortable to be able to share what they need as well. Also, some of the things to know is that when you start setting boundaries, sometimes, initially it can be challenging. And so that's why it's really good to get some accountability or have somebody coach you through it.

If you're in a situation where you're really uncomfortable doing it, or don't feel like you can follow through because it's such an important skill to learn. I think it's a really good. You also want to start by thinking about what you need in a relationship and what you refuse to put up with, and you want to approach the other person with compassion and the idea that they're doing the best that they can with what they know.

There are some people that are just toxic, which is really unfortunate, but I've also found that to be true in my life sometimes. Do what you can, and you can put up those boundaries and it's just not going to be respected. And so that's when you're in a situation where you need to make that important decision about whether or not it's worth having this person in your life.

And that's really a challenge, but I also think it's so important for your own happiness and your ability to feel good about the people that you surround yourself with. As we had said during the interview, The quality of your life is in huge part dictated by the quality of your relationship. So it's a situation where you need to make some hard decisions.

If the person is toxic or they need to share it, a couple of qualities that may give you a hint that a person is toxic. One is that that person is controlling. Uh, maybe won't let you feel like, and be the person that you are. You feel like you need to be. Completely different from your authentic self when you're around that person.

Also, it's another person who generally just makes you feel bad about yourself. And I think a good gauge to consider is how do you feel about that person after you are with them? Do they make you feel uplifted, supported, safe, and good about yourself or the opposite? And if it's the opposite, then maybe that's a person that might be.

I hope that this has really sparked some really good ideas about what's important in terms of your relationships. And I invite you to maybe have a conversation with somebody about this, just to kind of process it a little bit more. And as I said, this is something that I think everybody should know about.

If I had known about a lot of this information when I was young, I think that it would have helped so much with all the relationships that I have cultivated through my lifetime. And even as I'm learning it now, so it's never too late, it's been really helpful and it's affirming to the relationships that have been amazing in my life and also helps me inspect some of the really.

Maybe aren't serving me. And often when the relationship isn't serving you, it may not be serving the other person if you're actually behind the scenes, not having good thoughts about that person and really some to find other people that are like-minded so they can have better relationships for them.

And you can move on to cultivate the relationships that are really good for you. Thank you so much for listening again. I hope you have an amazing day ahead and remember lighten up.