Redefining Success and Breaking Free from the Addiction to External Validation with Randi Braun

Are you tired of the relentless pursuit of external validation in your career?

Do you yearn to define success on your own terms?

Join us in this enlightening journey with our guest, a Wall Street Journal best-selling author and a visionary in women’s leadership. - Randi Braun!

In this episode, titled 'Redefining Success and Breaking Free from the Addiction to External Validation', we peel back the layers of what it truly means to achieve success without the weight of others' expectations. 

Our guest shares her transformative insights and personal experiences, shedding light on how high achievers can escape the trap of external validation and embrace a more authentic path to success. 🌟

Get ready to be inspired by stories of resilience, learn practical strategies to redefine your professional playbook, and discover how to balance personal satisfaction with professional achievements. 🎧

✨ Don’t miss this opportunity to transform your perspective on success and empowerment.

Subscribe, share your thoughts in the comments, and join a community that’s redefining the rules of the corporate game. 🚀

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Transcript

0:00

Have you ever wondered how some women managed to redefine the rules of success in the corporate world, breaking through barriers and rewriting the playbook for professional achievement? Y'all we are living in a world that was built by men for men. And when we show up to the doors of corporate America, we wonder why their ways of working don't work for us. Today fault leader in all around kick-ass woman at Randy Braun is joining me. And we're going to uncover Randy's transformative approach to leadership. Learn how to break free from the cycle of seeking external validation. And discover how to redefine success in a way that's authentic and personally fulfilling. Prepare to be inspired and empowered as we unraveled the secrets to a more fulfilling career and personal life. You are listening to the podcast from now to next the podcast and empowers women to get seen, get heard, and get promoted. I'm your host, Erica Rooney, and I've made it my mission to help you break free from the sticky floors. Those limiting beliefs and toxic behaviors to bust through the glass ceiling. I'm obsessed with all things, growth and abundance. And I'm here to talk you through the tried and true secrets to get you to level up your career and your life. We talk about the hard stuff here. Imposter syndrome, perfectionism, fear and burnout. So pull up a seat popping into your bed and let's dive in. Today's guest is the Wall Street Journal's best selling author of the book Something Major, the new playbook for women at work. She has coached leaders and their teams across Fortune 500, government, and just about every industry out there. She is a thought leader who has been featured by CNBC, The Washington Post, Forbes, and more. She's a speaker. She's a wife. She's a mom and she is here today. to talk to us all about the new playbook and to share her sticky floor. So Randy, how are you? We're here together. Finally. Uh, I'm so excited that we're doing this. You always host the best conversations. I'm so honored to be on the pod. Oh, it's going to be so great. Well, let's just dive right in. I'd love to hear more about you personally and professionally fill me in who is Randy. Absolutely. I joke all the time to people like I was the accidental coach and the reluctant entrepreneur. Um, I started my women's leadership firm something major four years ago. I went full time. I was doing it part time before that, and I just fell in love with this work. Um, and so I spent time helping women think about how they can write new rules to feel successful in the workplace. So professionally, that means I, I wrote this book that you shouted out. Um, I do coaching and retreats. Um, when I'm not working, as you mentioned, um, I am married to my longtime partner. I have two little kids, um, and honestly, like, so much of my life is my work. I talk very openly in my book about the things that I've struggled with, the things that my clients struggle with, and I'm just so excited to have this conversation. I think we just, like, And Erica, your podcast does such a good job with this. Like we need to just keep keeping it real about like how high performing women can not just crush it at work, but not feel crushed in the process. So I'm super excited to have a conversation with you today. Oh my gosh. I love this. Keep keeping it real because that has been, I think one of the biggest sticky floors that I've struggled with in the past is just thinking that everyone else has their stuff together. And why am I the only one that is struggling with all of these things? But the more we talk about it, the more we recognize that no, we're all just struggling with this, trying to do the best that we can while being successful and you know, having it all, whatever it all looks like for you. So I love this concept. Tell me a little bit more about your book and the new playbook for women. Cause I am here for this. Yeah. So basically, like I got really interested in writing this book based on like a chance conversation that I had with a woman in the middle of deep COVID and Erica, like she had done everything right. Like she had taken all the advice, gotten all the mentors, like gone to Harvard for graduate school. And she was stepping into this kind of apex moment leadership role at this very big global company that you and your listeners definitely know. When we were on the phone on this like very cold January morning as like she's just kind of getting settled into the role and she just confesses into the phone to me, Erika, she's like, I just have no desire. I don't even remember the last time I was in the mood. And she wasn't talking about like that thing. She was talking about work. Kind of, it was a light bulb moment for me because I think we've all felt that way. It's like, there's so much written about thriving. There's so much written about burnout. And I didn't. feel like there was anything written Erika about like this middle ground that she was experiencing where like we kind of ended up with this case of what I call low work libido like you've just like you've like lost the passion for it like you know it's just like it feels stale and I was like okay well there's no little blue pill for this. So it got me really curious about like, where do we need to redefine the rules of success so that women cannot just feel successful, right, in terms of the external metrics, but also enjoy their lives. And so my book looks, Erica, at 10 core competencies that I want all women to feel empowered to write a new playbook on at work, to feel like we can thrive and enjoy our success. And really like, And I think it's really important for us to be able to inspire not just our happiness, but our career longevity to be able to play the long game with sustainable habits that make us successful today and keep us in the game tomorrow. That is so key because how many women Just get to this peak. They've checked all the boxes in so many places. They've climbed the corporate ladder, even, and are very successful, but then they look around and they're like, What am I even doing here? I describe it, Erika, as like, all these women who have, like, you know, like, rock scrambled their way to the top of the mountain, like, white knuckled, like, giving up everything to survive, and then they get to the summit, and they're like, I don't even know if I like the view. And I don't know if you've ever gone hiking, but it's like, By the way, the walk down the mountain is even more challenging than getting up. And Erica, like to me, one of the most troubling things that I'm seeing is we're seeing a lot of women leave their careers in their forties, their fifties, their sixties. And it's not that I judge anybody's decision to leave. It's more just like what I worry about is that, like, women feel resigned to the fact that like they Don't have choices like they feel like they either have to go the way that they've always been going or they can't stay in the game. And when I think about the things that women have to offer in terms of innovation, in terms of diversifying the leadership pipeline, in terms of changing the dynamics of women and boards, closing the gender pay gap, not to mention your own personal goals. right? Like every time a woman leaves the workplace like she's living, leaving hundreds of thousands, if not millions with compound interest of like 401k savings potential that could be accrued behind. And so like, these are the things that I think about when I think about like women being successful outside of work as well. So it's, it's for the micro of our own decisions. It's the macro. The cultural ripples. Um, and again, I'm not putting that Erica on any woman who leaves the workforce. I just want us to have a more holistic conversation about like, Hey, this is a trend we need to get like more curious about. Well, and I think we're in such a unique time period where we are a generation of women who were told that we could have it all, do it all and be it all. Right? But what we heard was that we had to be everything and we had to do everything and we just took on more and more and more and of course there's all these like societal expectations and you know the gender roles that that we all struggle with right and we all are trying to find this equilibrium and this balance but that is why we need this new way of work is because we should do it. Be able to feel like we have it all and are doing the things we want to be doing and the things that light us up, but we just don't. And I think of this quote from RBG, Ruth Bader, the late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. And I quote it in my book, you know, she says, you can have it all, but you can't have it all at once. And she goes on in the longer version of the quote to talk about like part of your ambition, part of your dreams is almost being able to like have the patience to like sequence and have times where you lean in and lean out. And I think, Ark, I know we have so much to talk about today, but just one other fine point I'd put on this is, you know, I think so many times we think that, like, the balance of having it all needs to happen, like, on a very short term, right? Like, is my life balanced? Like, in this week, did I get, like, self care and go to the parent teacher conference and kill the meeting? And I think sometimes we forget that, like, there are just seasons in life. Like, for example, last year, I was on a book tour and the expect and running my business at the same time, and the expectations that I could have for, like, showing up for my family in a quote, unquote, balanced way. Like, we all held hands around it as a family. Like, mom was going to be on the road about a lot. And I was like, okay, like, that's just not going to be like a weekly quote, unquote, balance for me. But what I ended up doing was taking the summer as, like, this mini sabbatical. Right? And, like, really reinventing on my own terms, like, walking my own walk of writing new rules. Like, okay, like, that's my balance. Was, like, push hard, hard, hard for six months. Enjoy the downtime when I have it. Really be protective of it. And knowing that, like, there was gonna be a lot of, like, making up for quality time with my kids over the summer. Just communicating that so that we're all sharing the same expectations. A communication piece is so key, especially when you have a little human beings at home that you are responsible for. Yes. So, Reedy, I want to shift the gears and I want to talk about sticky floors. And I feel like these sticky floors, they always show up, especially with high achieving women, especially with high achieving women who have left their corporate career and are doing big things in their own career. And it's those women who've identified those sticky floors. So talk to me about your sticky floors. Sticky floors. I think for me, like, it's so obvious, like, for me, my sticky floor was really like getting over my legitimate, like, addiction to external validation. My need to be validated by other people to feel successful and satisfied in my work. And I feel like, like, Erika, like every addict. Um, I needed to hit my own rock bottom before I could come up and change my life. And for me, that happened years ago in my corporate life. I worked in sales for many years. I was really close with my boss. And when I came back from my first maternity leave, things just took like a very like weird and dark turn out of nowhere. And one day we're sitting in her office, like doing a literal like sales pipeline review And out of nowhere, like she just says to me, she's like, You are so inauthentic, and I find it absolutely grating. Erica, like, you're a coach, I'm a coach, like, file under, like, some of the worst feedback that could ever be delivered to a person. Like, it's personal. It's not about work. It's, it's a characterization about your personality. It's not specific in any way. Like, I was like, what? Like, we're talking about, like, a, like, a contract. Like, What? What is going on here? And I will never forget. It's like one of those things like, like truly like it was like a blackout moment where I don't really remember how we finished the meeting. I know that we sat in her office for about another 20 minutes and went through the rest of the pipeline. When I just remember going through the glass doors out of her office and like basically like running to the elevator bank and like smashing the elevator by it. When going down the elevator, we lived, we worked in this huge office building where like the whole building was the size of an entire city block. When I'm practically just sprinting through the lobby cause I don't want to cry in front of anyone. I like scan my key fob. And enter like this tiny little dungeon that qualified as our office gym. And I bolt into the women's locker room, grab a towel. And I just sobbed those tears that we all know that are like those like white hot tears, right? The kind where if you don't let them out. They are going to truly explode. And I was like, wow, because I was like to call me inauthentic. Like I'm actually like a very quirky person, right? Like I see the world kind of a different way. I talk about the world kind of a different way. Funny enough, like in my entrepreneurial journey, that's like really served me. Like it accidentally built my brand, right. It's having this unique voice, but I was always that person before this. And I was just like, it was so important to me to be validated by you. With the fact that like, you don't see me as an authentic person. I am exhausted from trying to contort my body to be the square peg of someone else's round hole. So like, that's my sticky floor. And like, that was like my rock bottom for being like, I just can't live like this anymore. That speaks to me on so many levels because I had that exact. Moment in corporate where I got a type of feedback very similar to that and again blackout city after that It's just like how quickly can I get out of here looking professional at still keeping up the facade of like, okay I can take that feedback fine because I'm a big strong corporate woman and then literally Breaking down into tears and into my car, right? But my question for you is so you you receive this changing that need of validation is not something that happens overnight. So what did you do to kind of work through that? Well, it got me curious about a few things, right? So like, the first was like, can I go on from here? And I think there was like something really freeing of releasing from the fact that like, Oh, actually like, no matter what I do, like Erica, I was so successful. And that was like kind of the joy of working in sales. It's like, it's so quantitative, like, I don't know, like, if you, like, ride a peloton or any of your leader, uh, any of your listeners ride a peloton, but, like, the original leaderboard that I'm aware of was in Salesforce. And, Erika, in our corporate offices, we used to have these giant flat screen TVs. Like, back in the day, by the way, when, like, Giant flat screen TV is more like an ooh la la factor, and they would have our Salesforce leaderboard on them, which showed Erica, like how we were doing in relation to our quota and to the other people on our team at any given moment in time. Like, if you want to talk about like, like for someone like me, like Oh my god, it like, just like, it played off all my worst instincts, right? And so I was like, okay, wait, so like, already I'm in this environment that really cultivates this, but like, actually like, it was this freeing moment of like, okay, like, I am never gonna convince her. But here I am being so successful, the leaderboard doesn't lie, and I'm like singing for my supper. I was like, something is really, really broken here. What I started to do, Erica, was like, I didn't have any epiphanies in that moment. So I just, I started getting curious. And what I realized was like, you know, this idea of old rules, new rules. I was like, that's really interesting because this is almost like the moment where that idea is born from. which will become my book years and years later. It's like, okay, like I've been taught so many times in organizations, especially as a woman. And I think you can probably relate to this. I'm like, seek feedback, see constructive criticism. And what I learned was that like external voices were more important than the internal voice. What I learned was that like, I should take feedback as an immutable truth. In fact, Erica, before this company, I literally worked in another company where one of our corporate values was sprint to criticism. So it was just like, this is not working. And so, it got curious about like, okay, like, what do I need this for? What's true? Um, how can I move forward? Who's a reliable narrator? Who has my back? So like, since then I've developed more tools, like for myself, and now I share them with others. But those are some of the things in the moment I started to get curious about. Do you ever find yourself slipping back into that sticky floor where you are seeking the validation of others? It's interesting. It's like I almost feel like, and this is why I really compare this to an addiction. And I don't say that to minimize like anybody else's struggle with like a real legitimate addiction, like drugs or alcohol or something like that. So I just want to say that to be clear, but it's like what I know of addiction. It's almost like I fear the relapse with such an incredible intense anxiety. And I'll tell you, Erica, for me, One of the things that was both like a growth and like a place of a lot of anxiety was like, what's it going to be like when this book comes into the world? Because it's like an extremely public exercise of showcasing your work. And if you are launching a book correctly, and the book is good, there should be like a lot of buzz. And that's kind of like. just how the process happens, and I was like, okay, I did like a lot of work going into the release of my book, of like, how can I feel confident about this on my own terms? I did a lot of prep work on like, how am I gonna brace myself for reading the first bad review that comes in, even though most of the reviews were good. And I can tell you more about that. But it's interesting because releasing the book kind of really actually even showed me how far I've come. Because the proudest I really felt of this book, Erika, was the night before it was released. I got together with a bunch of my girlfriends, and we kind of celebrated not that the book was coming out, but they had kind of been there all along in the process. And as we open the champagne, I said, you know, what makes this so special is like, this is the last night that the book will just be a success on my terms, like anything else is gravy. But I'm like doing this tonight to prove to myself how far I've come to celebrate that like just getting here is really what is enough for me. So did you even read the bad reviews? Because, I ask this because I see so many public figures and they're like, I can't touch it because I suck myself right down into that hole. So tell me your strategy. I read one. So let me tell you how I trade for this. So it's like a few weeks before my book comes out, we like already started to get like a few like dribs and drabs, reviews, and usually the ones that come in early are really positive, so. But basically what happened was, I don't know why this idea came to me, but I was like, okay, let me look at like, I'm looking at my bookshelf over here, like three books I absolutely love, I think they're three of like the best books I've read recently in my genre, and I'm gonna go on Goodreads. and see how they did. Not to compare myself to them, but what I did was I went and I read all the one star and two star reviews. When it wasn't like a schadenfreude thing, it was the complete opposite. I was like, wow, people are really like, no offense. I was like, people are like dumb if they think this book gets one star, people are like, that's ridiculous that they get two stars. Right. And so I was like, okay, well, if this book I really admire, like I'm looking at playing big by tar more, it's like, I think it's one of the best books that's ever been written in the, in the genre for women's leadership development. And I was like, If you don't love this book, then, like, you and I just don't share the same taste in life. And so, it kind of goes back, Erika, to, like, what I've come to believe, which is, like, I have three trues about feedback, which has really helped me kind of untether from external validation. One is that feedback tells us a lot more about the feedback givers preferences, priorities, values, and biases, by the way, oftentimes, than it does about us. Number two, feedback is subjective. It is not an immutable truth. And number three is that feedback is a snapshot of a data point in time, right? Like it's not like a characterization like my boss said to me in her office that day about like how I am an inauthentic person. It is a snapshot of your relationship to another stakeholder and a situation in a moment in time. And so I think that like really remembering that has helped me take the best of feedback when I get it And then also like unhooked from feedback when I don't think the person has my best interest at heart. Or Erica, one other thing I'll share with you. This really surprises people. Um, my spouse did not read my book until it was in print. And that's because they were not the intended audience for this. And people were like, how could your spouse not read your book? And I was like, because they are not the intended audience. And their feedback will tell me about their perspective. But I know myself and I really think highly of my spouse's feedback. So I just don't even want to hear anything about it until it's a finished product. Yeah, no, that makes great sense to me. I'm actually taking notes for when my book comes out because my husband has not read my book either and I'm like, we're gonna go that route. I had one family member read my book. Before it came out, it was my sister in law and that's because she's a literal professional writer so, Randi, I've got to ask you, this seeking the external validation, I think that is something that is so common amongst high achievers of all kinds. That is what has gotten us to be so successful, right? The hustle, the grind, blending in with other people and kind of twisting ourselves into, you know, the molds that they deem are successful. And, I mean, it works, right? That's why we do it, but it also feels good. So what piece of advice would you give somebody, maybe who's earlier in their career, Who doesn't have the privilege of, you know, years and years of taking feedback and, and all of that. What piece of advice would you give them to kind of navigate that sticky floor? You'll indulge me, I would give them two pieces of advice. I will indulge you all day long. So the first is to have a little bit of perspective and just kind of like take yourself out of this being about you. This is actually more of a sociological phenomenon than, you know, like, It is about you. Like, no disrespect to Taylor Swift, I just ran a workshop about, like, all these leadership lessons that we can take from her, but she actually, I believe, got it wrong when she said, like, we're the problem, it's me. Most of the time, it's not the problem, you're not the problem, it's you. And so, like, researchers in the field of psychology, Erika, you might be familiar with this, have studied this phenomenon called the good girl curse. Where girls are socialized in a way where a lot of our value comes from being seen as proper and taking up the right amount of space in our society. And so, like, that's how we're socialized. If you throw into that complexities, like coming from a marginalized community, having some kind of intersectional identity, the rules about how you must fit in in a world that wasn't designed for your success really only turn up the volume on that dynamic. Right, which creates this imposter syndrome phenomenon, which again, research shows us like imposter syndrome is actually like our internalization of the systemic bias. And so like the first piece of advice would be like to take a deep breath, have some perspective and know that like what you're experiencing has to do with our communal socialization. It's not a defect in who you are and that on one hand. sucks. Like I think of my daughter who's on the other side of this door and I want a better world for her. and I am bullish about where we're going. So I'll say like, one, have a perspective. Two is I encourage people to think about feedback, Erica. as that data point. And let me elaborate on that. Like imagine that every single piece of feedback you got was like a data point. Every email. Remember, there's so many ways we get feedback. It's not just the formal conversations that we have with people. It's the way people respond to us. It's the way people don't respond to us. It's an email. It's a, you know, job well done kind of thing. Imagine every single piece of feedback you got was plotted like data on a graph. And I encourage you to step back and say, like, Where's the trend line is the trend line that like most of the time I'm confident is the trend line that people can count on me is the trend line that these are my strengths. And I say to people all the time. I'm like, think about that. One piece of really tough feedback. Is it a trend line moment or an outlier? Because in business? Erica, you and I both worked in corporate businesses. Now we run our own businesses, whether I'm in my entrepreneurial life, my corporate life, never in a million years would I make a significant decision based on an outlier in the data. I would get curious about the outlier, right? Like, outliers often tell stories. I get curious about the story behind the outlier, but never in a million years, if I was looking at a traditional business problem, would I ever make a huge decision or characterization based on the outlier. And so I encourage women to like put on their business brain and to think like that. And the final thing I'll just remind people, um, is that research also shows us, Erica, that High performers take negative feedback harder. So, for example, for the average performer, it takes four pieces of positive feedback to neutralize a single bad piece of feedback. For the high performer, it takes six. Six pieces of positive feedback. So, like, if you've ever felt like negative feedback is stickier inside your brain, again, like, you're not the problem, it's not you. Like, this is what the research shows. With that said, as one of my clients says, like, we don't want to throw away the wine with the cork. There's always something we can learn from the feedback. Um, but I'll just pause there because I think that we need to have better tools to parse the feedback so that we can truly use it to be constructive and not bully ourselves with it. Well, and I'm a huge believer that knowledge is power. And just knowing that I'm a high achiever, it's going to take me six pieces of positive feedback to kind of balance. We're talking about balance again, to balance it all out. Then I at least have that understanding and I might be a little bit kinder to myself. So I love that. I think it's great. But what I want to tell everybody here, before I ask you my last question, is in the spirit of keeping it real, right? And being all, Randy and I both got kids on the other side of our door. We came in, we had a game plan, we said we're gonna get it done in 30 minutes, because that is what we do. And guess what? We did it. But before I let you go, I need to know, where can we find you? How can we buy your book? All of that good stuff. Okay, I'll tell you. The first is that you can buy my book, Something Major, the new playbook for women at work on Amazon. Erika, it's just out in paperback, so it's even more accessible than ever. And the second place you can find me is social media. So find me on LinkedIn, I'm randywithanibron. On Instagram, I'm somethingmajorcoaching. And then lastly, Erika, My website, something major coaching. com has so many free resources. I do not make you give me my email address. You can watch for free a workshop on quieting your inner critic. You can read articles about perfectionism and self care. You can learn about events that we're running. So please hang out with me on something major coaching. com or find me on social media, Randy with an I. Erica, this was so great. Thank you so much for having me. I love it. It's such an amazing conversation and thank you for all of those gems. It's just gold nugget upon gold nugget. And that's a wrap for today's episode. A huge thank you to our extraordinary guest, Randy Braun, who has not only shared her journey, but has also opened our eyes to the vital shift from seeking external validation. To embracing our own definition of success. Now, as we say goodbye today, remember that your professional journey is uniquely yours. It is not about climbing the ladder, but it's also about creating a ladder that is true to who you are. Now, if today's conversation resonated with you, I want it out. I want to hear your thoughts. I joined the discussion. Leave me a comment, send me a message on LinkedIn, a DM on Instagram. And then also share this episode with someone who might benefit from it. You never know when this message is going to land in the hands of the person who needs to hear it the most. But one last thing before you go, it's time to stop putting a ceiling on what's possible and it's time to start breaking through them.