ADHD Masking: How do we Unmask?

'ADHD Masking can involve consciously or unconsciously adopting behaviours that align with neurotypical expectations, often to fit in, avoid judgment, or meet societal demands.' But how do we unmask? Well first, we need to identify how and where we mask, or rather 'wear different hats to suit the occasion' 

We hope that you can unmask at your nearest ADHDAF+ Support Group in JULY.

Thank you Kim, Tracy and Ruth for this crucial conversation!

TRIGGER WARNING: Contains swearing, loud laughter and mentions of sensitive topics including; grief, bereavement, death, mother loss, trauma, anxiety, depression, alcohol and substance addiction, relationship and work struggles.
If you are struggling, lo siento. You are not alone. Please reach out for help HERE

- Read the new ADHDAF+ Blog HERE
- Register Interest in ADHDAF+ Charity's FREE Peer Support Groups and ADHD Bingo Seminars to get email reminders HERE
- Aplly to start your own local ADHDAF+ Support Group, Volunteer your time or become an Ambassador HERE
-Listen to Dr Nighat explain the impact our hormones can have on our ADHD Symptoms HERE
- Listen to Catieosaurus explain Alexithymia and how we can identify emotions HERE
- Grab tickets for the Blackpool Style Assembly/ADHDAF Sunday Social HERE
- Find out about The Big ADHD Fundraiser HERE
- You can grab a copy of  Lou O'Connell's book on ADHDAF Emporium HERE to support neurodivergent makers and small businesses, with 10% of profits donated to ADHDAF+ Charity

Enormous thanks to the Patrreon community for keeping this podcast going for over three years and for inspiring the creation of ADHDAF+

If you would like to join the Community of ADHDAF Podcast listeners from all over the world; you can connect with, lean on and learn from literally like-minded legends for invaluable Peer support HERE

Though the work of ADHDAF Podcast led to the creation of ADHDAF+ Charity, and helps to promote and fundraise for the charity; all things ADHDAF are entirely separate entities.

You can follow all things ADHDAF on Socials:
@adhdafpodcast @adhdafplus @adhdafemporium @lauraisadhdaf

Thank you SO MUCH for listening, and hope to meet you at one of the support groups or in the online community soon!
Laura x
LEOPARD PRINT ARMY!

Orignal photograph by Dopamine & Daydreams at ADHDAF Retreat

Transcript

' I've accidentally spent my whole life making sure everyone around me was comfortable, only to realize I never felt comfortable the whole time.'

 Hi, I am Laura and I am A-D-H-D-A-F, and since I found that out the age of 38, I've spent the last three years. Talking about A DHD, which led to creating an online peer support community alongside this podcast, which led to inspiring and informing the creation of a charity called A DHD AF Plus to connect and empower A DHD, adults of marginalized genders in Scotland, England, and Wales.

Although the work of this podcast inspired. The creation of the charity and will fundraise and promote the events of the charity. They are two entirely separate entities. This episode, in theory, is going to be a monthly special in which I introduce the topic that we'll be focusing on for the charity in-person peer support groups, and I'll be exploring that topic with some of the people behind the charity, our chaa.

I just wanna start with a trigger warning. This episode will contain some triggering topics. Please have a read of the description before listening on. If you are struggling, please know that you are not alone. There is also a link in the show notes to some suggested resources for support. So if you need help, do reach out.

If you've listened to this podcast before, then you will likely know that my mother passed away at the end of January. And since that point though, I have done a few episodes. I haven't actually interviewed anyone that I'm not close to, and there is good reason for that. There are a lot of amazing guests and some of whom are very well known in the public eye.

A few celebrities in there on the podcast, but they didn't come knocking at the door. I chased them down, some of whom I chased and emailed for, for literally about a year. It really was a lot of work. I'm sure you've all heard of spoons theory. It is to do with our energy levels, what we have the capacity for, and I really don't have the capacity to chase guests right now.

Having said that, I do have multiple bulging inboxes full of people that want to be on the podcast. Though I'm sure there services or the book that they wanna sell might be useful. I'm more than a little bit tired of people exploiting this platform, and I, I do understand that that is how podcasts work, but this isn't your standard podcast. Not by a mile.

Because I've been burnt before; the couple of people I've not begged on are the ones that I was at down by because they weren't really in it. This isn't a podcast. It's a movement that has been able to keep momentum and launch a charity due to the support of the community. So it really is family vibes back here. 

To have people want to use this platform to make money when they've already got a team, some with sponsors, et cetera... and I literally don't have any of those things. It is just me, really working my absolute socks off to get the charity up and running. It is the stuff of justice sensitivity, nightmares. Nevermind the RSD, and I'm sure you'll notice that aside from the plugs of all things A-D-H-D-A-F.

The community and the Emporium both raise funds for the charity. There is absolutely no external advertisement on this podcast, and I do it, not because I'm a martyr with low self-worth (though both of those things are an absolute given!) But because I have never seen this as a podcast, I call it Pirate Radio, but what it really is is activism in action.

I haven't come here to make money. I've come here to raise ADHD awareness and hell and have a fair few laughs along the way.  So at this point, when I really don't have the spoons to chase strangers, I also recognise that I'm an even more vulnerable position than normal in my grief. So I really don't have the spoons to mask as I would need to to host an interview with a stranger.

Masking is not just the topic of today's conversation. As I said, it is the topic of the A-D-H-D-A-F plus peer support groups this month in Edinburgh, Aberdeen, and Manchester, and then in London and Birmingham. Are we delivering ADHD seminars in the form of a game of bingo on the first and third of Julys for this very relaxed, informal conversation, much like those that we have at the A DHD charity, in-person peer support groups.

I am joined by A-D-H-D-A-F plus Treasurer, Kim and London support group co-facilitators, Ruth and Tracy. It isn't studio quality. Because it's not recorded in a studio. It's a chinwag over zoom that we hope you take as much away from about A DHD masking as we did and having ranted on about how I don't sell people's books.

I do make the odd exception when I really believe in them, like this incredible one. And I wanted to start off by reading this quote, which is from a brilliant book called You Are Not Your A DH. D by Lou O'Connell, MBE. 'I've accidentally spent my whole life making sure everyone around me was comfortable, only to realize I never felt comfortable the whole time.'

Hard relate. Ladies, I'm gonna quote Lou again. Because she's so very wise, 'ADHD and women can go unseen for many years. Due to the long list of expectations society puts on women, such as believing that all women should know how to proficiently, juggle, managing themselves and their career alongside a home and a family. Whilst this can be a struggle for any woman, women with A DHD will often mask symptoms and problems in an attempt to conform to these expectations. Many women with A DHD 10 lies feelings of shame and guilt due to their struggles. They think, well, everyone else can do it, so why can't I? This has a detrimental effect on their self-worth and self-esteem. I have yet to meet a woman diagnosed later in life who hasn't felt like she was failing as an adult, woman, mother, sister, daughter, et cetera, despite outward success in these areas.'

That definitely spoke to me. I think it's really interesting as women and all people who menstruate, we are already masters of masking because we have to mask our pain, our physical pain once a month to get the job done, and I think that that in itself really sets us up for this idea of hiding what's really happening to us. If we have to hide how we physically feel, then it's second nature to hide how we feel emotionally due to multi hormone sensitivity theory.

Our ADHD symptoms can change and fluctuate. Be exacerbated by our hormones, so those hormone fluctuations. So many of us also experiencing PMDD. I know for me, somebody who is very much negatively impacted by the emotional side of A DHD. That's one of the ways in which I've very much mask and I don't always succeed because of those eruptions.

How I actually feel is something that. I obviously carry, but know in so many situations that that is deemed inappropriate or unacceptable for the surroundings or, or present company or by society. Nobody likes an angry woman, et cetera. I'm already coming in knowing that how I feel or what I think is either incorrect or inappropriate.

And so that's, I would say my number one. Place that I mask. What parts of you have you hidden or masked to fit in? I think probably my A DHD caught quite bad after I had my first child, but obviously had absolutely no idea. And then when I had my second child, not long after that, I had a bit of an addiction issue, which as I now realize is obviously a common.

Comorbidity of ADHD. A lot of that was to mask. It was to mask me struggling because I couldn't do it. All the things. My husband who was out a lot. Yeah. And so I was just alone a lot of the time and having to do everything and trying to mask, self-medicating, shall we say. That's really interesting because there's another layer to that, isn't it?

It's not necessarily what you are externalizing. But you are internally masking from yourself, hiding your pain, hiding your struggles, numbing yourself with substances. Yeah, that whole unmasking was one thing and it was made a lot easier once I understood the ADHD, because then it was like, oh, I'm not reen.

I'm not just an addict. Actually, there's a reason why I'm using that thing, and it's because of this thing. And addiction is so often trying to survive, trying to get through. Did you get diagnosed with postnatal depression or you just ba soldiered on? No. Yeah, I've spoken to a lot of people that have said those first couple of years of their child's life just went through in a bit of a haze, or even more than I would imagine it would do anyway, with no bloody sleep and all the rest of it, but like particularly felt like they'd really missed out.

Because of that misdiagnosis and mistreatment. I do really think, and this is a shout out to the Princess of Wales, if she's listening. Of course she's, she's on next, she told me while we were having lunch yesterday that she listens all, you know. Exactly. But no, she's doing all this thing about, you know, the early years and how important the early years are in supporting women.

That have young children and there's no men. I haven't heard her mention Neurodivergency at all. No. In any of that And how much of that would be, you know, a big impact? I mean, we are about to go off on a completely different tangent and you know, I love a side quest, so I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna start this and I'm gonna try and reign it straight back in as well.

Just to mention, yesterday we had a really good session with Kirsty in the community who was talking about. Hormones and we kind of all came to the same sort of conclusion. Like it's bad enough when we are being told that we're jumping on a bandwagon for, for wanting to be assessed for a DHD. It's quite another when women are being gaslit and dismissed and being told they're jumping on a bandwagon for wanting hormonal support like that's in our life trajectory.

Short of premature loss of life, which unfortunately, as we know, is statistically something that we can be, but if we live that long. We are all gonna go through the change. So how it can be like, oh no, no blood test off your pop. No, no, no. This is just a trendy thing. People all want hormones. No, no, no.

People need support and it's gonna happen in our lifetimes anyway, I'm gonna reign that right in there and get back to unmasking chay. What parts of yourself have you hidden or mastered Fitting? Same. I've mastered all my life. I've always felt different. Always felt. I was on the outside of groups trying to wear clothes like other people to fit in, even though I didn't feel comfortable wearing those clothes or trying to.

Go to the same places thinking that they're all having a good time, so I should be having a good time and just never really sort of feeling like I belonged anywhere. Obviously, masked my sexuality through my whole life, even for myself, I always felt like I was winging it with the kids. I always felt like everybody else around me knows what they're supposed to be doing, and I just never felt like I was good enough doing a good enough job, but always on the outside, everyone seems to think that I'm doing great.

That's exactly what ah, Lou was saying, wasn't it? I have yet to meet a woman diagnosed later in life who hasn't felt like she was failing. I've often been asked questions like, well, how do you know if you're masking and what, what is unmasking and how do I unmask and my personal feeling? Is that quite often people can tie themselves in knots with it.

There's no specifications, there's no detailed description of what it is and how to get out of it. What you're talking about is performing in a certain way to fit in. So it can be anything from over preparing people, pleasing, mimicking others to fit in. So pressing emotions and hiding struggles. You know, the swan on the top of the water, like desperately battling underneath that nobody can see is a bit like.

Me, my house is quite tidy. And then you open the cupboards. Yeah. Doom cupboards and doom piles everywhere. Yeah. And that is a chaos that no one ever needs to, to see. That is the inside of my room. But I would argue it can be seen that you are doing that to mask because you don't want other people to see it.

But equally it can be for your own peace of mind that you can look around. And being okay with it. That's why it's so hard to know. When are you masking, when are you not? And also that it's okay to mask in certain situations. That's the biggest one. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. So it's the specifications that are, are not there.

The nuances of it all. I'll give another example. It would not as, as life stands at this moment in time, let's not say never, ever. But it would not be appropriate for me to be my fully unmasked. Cackling self in a library. So, so, oh, I should unmask in a library. No, I shouldn't, because that is not the space for it.

And there is reason for that is that actually, you know, if I sat here flicking a pen or doing whatever, that could be distracting to other people that have gone to this place of quiet. And that is why I do not frequent libraries. But the point is, you know, you see what I'm saying? You can't. It. This is, I think, where people who are very, um, detail focused can really tie themselves in knots because they want the full description, they want the full answer.

Am I'm asking, am I unmasking? It is just really about, I. Asking yourself what feels comfortable, what feels uncomfortable, what feels authentic, what doesn't. And at the end of the day, knowing that sometimes you are gonna have to wear a mask, or I prefer the term donning, different hats. It's not unusual for neurotypical people to do it as well.

As you say, read a room, wear clothes, know that you need a mask at certain points. And even down to the clothes point, there are. Sadly unfortunate situations where you can't be rocking up in your bikini, let's say, for argument's sake, when you're in a corporate environment. It does exist, but we have just managed to master it way more than we realize for not just those social conforming places, but every situation that we attend at at a detrimental impact.

To our self worth, our self-esteem, and even our identity when we do it, it's so ingrained in us that we don't even know we're doing it, and we don't even know that we're feeling uncomfortable until all of a sudden we go, oh, something's not right here. I think neurotypicals, they, they do it on purpose, like they know when they need to do certain things and they don't feel uncomfortable about it.

Well, a lot of them got the handbook, right. That elusive handbook. They seem to have got them rules. Yeah, they got their handbook that I didn't get. When people say, oh, trust your gut, trust your instincts. And I never believed that I should do that. 'cause I thought, well, everybody else does it this way, so I've just gotta do it the same as everybody else.

I never trusted what my instincts were saying to me, and now it's me learning to actually trust those and trust what I. I'm saying inside and what main instincts are all saying to me and learning to act on those rather than what everybody else around me is trying to say. Unmasking is, uh, is like a radical act of self-trust, which is incredibly hard for people that have heard 20,000 more negative things by the age of 10.

Like you've said, addiction, conflict, family issues, anything. All of these different traits that can be so common for people with a DHD particularly. Identified and unmanaged A DHD. It's very, very hard to trust ourselves. So one of the questions that we can ask ourselves to help ourselves unask is what behaviors do I do now that don't feel like me?

For me at the moment, obviously having, sorry, I've always gotta get the tiny violin out, but having just lost my mom, I don't have the same bandwidth. That I had a year ago, so I'm having to spend my spoons slightly more wisely or trying to anyway, and what it's really highlighted for me is how exhausting I find.

All of the admin behind the scenes. 'cause there is a lot of admin and I ain't ever had an admin job. Well, I had one for two weeks. Like this really isn't my skillset. I'm a speaker, I'm a creative, I'm a people person, and I've spent about a year behind a screen and it's really having a detrimental effect on my mental health, on my energy levels, on everything.

And I suddenly realized that. I'm in this really ridiculous, ironic to the point of a sick joke position where in order to be this A DHD advocate, I often have to pretend I don't have it. That is the biggest joke of all time. It would be wise for me. At this point now is the, I'm trying to, I don't like CEO. I'm gonna make up a new phrase, like, Really Shit Daydreams, there's gonna be one for ceo. I should be on LinkedIn. Couple of years ago, somebody said to me, oh, you don't need to be on that. That's for professionals, which obviously hit something really deep in me that now I can't be on LinkedIn. It doesn't matter how many times somebody says to me, no, it's just Facebook for work.

All you do is work. You've got loads of things to share. Just put it up there. I get on there and I'm just like. I can't be, and they're all speaking in corporate terms and it makes me wanna burn the whole thing down. I started to write something for LinkedIn about unmasking, and I realized that I used the term professional and then I was just like, I.

This is the most ironic piece of writing of all time. 'cause I would write totes, profesh, you know, because I want to, because I make myself laugh as I go. I don't want to be professional in that sense. But it's that imposter syndrome. It's, it's the negative, the shitty committee in our brain saying, you don't belong here.

You don't belong here. They're doing it right. You are gonna do it wrong. Don't trust yourself. Ruth, what are the behaviors that you do now? That don't feel like you, can you identify some, some places or, or ways that you are still masking? Because we, we can't unlearn this lifetime behavior overnight. It's mainly around people that I haven't come out to in terms of A DHD in-laws.

Yeah. Um, this is all my own assumptions because I have not had any conversation with them about A DHD. They have no idea that I've been on this podcast more than once. They don't even probably know this exists. They don't know I. With the charity, because charity, all of those things would require me to have a conversation about a d.

D. Just, yeah, if you don't feel safe with people, then you don't have to tell them. So what we are saying is we are eradicating the shame from masking because there are many situations where it, it can actually be about, yeah, keeping us safe mentally, emotionally, for our wellbeing. Tracy, what about you?

You've obviously been on a huge safari of self-discovery and, and changed everything, but what behaviors do you still do now that don't feel like authentic to you? Sometimes when I'm around people from my previous life, I feel like I still, I. Try and act like the person that I used to be. Yes. You know, dress the same way that I have always dressed, you know, not feel so comfortable in how I act and speak and things, um, around people that I used to know or still know, but yeah, from a different lifetime.

Yeah. Yeah. Part of my old life. Kim, how about you? Because you are like somewhat of a guru in in the wellbeing world, and the most liked episode of A-D-H-D-F ever is our chinwe. So how are you still masking? Because it's hard to believe that you would, but go on, tell us. But I have become very much aware of how much I stem in physical conversations, how much I am listening, but not listening.

I might have engaged with somebody in a social environment. My brain has gone, this person's as dull as ditch water, and I can hear something way more exciting over there. So I'm just nod, nod, nod, nod. And it's a complete mask because I have no idea what they're saying. And all I'm doing is hearing the other conversation.

I am at my best when I don't have anybody that has any long-term history. And it's not that I've got a history to hide. I've got quite a lot of history to hide, but it's the history of people who knew me. Without having my new awareness. I know it's not a new label and it's not a label for label's sake, as the world will tell me.

It's a well label that I have embraced. That enables me to go actually, when I find the right people that I wanna be around. I can be me. I don't need to have this mask up. I don't need to apologize. I don't need to say, sorry. Can you say that again? Because people get it. When I'm with the right people, it only takes me to share with one person my recent diagnosis.

Whereas I say recent, it's now getting on for three, four years to give me any comment of anything. Oh, we've all got it. You've got it. We, it's obvious. Then the mask goes right back up. Yes. You'll never hear me talk about it again. You can almost feel the mask going up. Now. You can. It is like the, you know, the shackles on your back go up.

It's like everything just kind of like Right. It's gone. Not to shout out our other activities, but the self-care club, the other day when we were talking about self-forgiveness and the inner critic and stuff, I've literally just forgotten my point.

Um, no, I love it. It's, it's really on brand and it's always comedy timing. It's on brand. That's the thing though, isn't it? I think on top of like the 20,000 negative things, as we've already said, as women and people of marginalized genders, there are societal expectations on us. To be quiet, be good. Even things like how we sit, like as children, we would sit cross-legged or with your legs wide open like you're doing the bloody splits or something, and it'd be like, oh no, you mustn't do that.

You have to sit with your legs closed. And now really, I don't even think about it. It's just a, that's how you must sit. For example, we've been taught to close up. Physically through the front line of our body, whether that's legs or upper body. So we end up closing and we end up holding and we end up curling inwards.

So we're always in a protective mode anyway. It's an old patriarchal, close your legs, you know, you don't wanna be seen as a floozy. Don't stick your boobs out. You don't wanna be this, you don't wanna be that. Yeah. So we are constantly, and, and shrink, shrink, shrink, shrink makes it smaller. Yeah. Yeah. And, and even now you can hear people saying, look at her with all her, you know, all her boobs out.

Look at her. And it's like. She is allowed to be. Exactly. I have to say, especially when we first discover that we have a DHD, I've said many times about the relief. You've got the relief of finally having the answers. But there is an element of grief, and I think particularly when you realize not just that you've hidden your true self from the people in your life.

Even from yourself, there is such grief there. I spoke on A DHD or just a bit weird interview that I was on. That's brilliant podcast. I masked so much from my family in particular because of the expectations I. I'm mixed race. My mother's Caribbean, like, you know, there are, there are very specific cultural expectations placed on my shoulders.

I knew I had to behave certain ways, redeemed, acceptable, and when I knew that I wasn't, I was the most unacceptable person in their eyes, actually. Truthfully. Mm-hmm. Really not me being down on myself, really. The expectations on my shoulders, I was the opposite of that. So I had to pretend. That I was, there is such tragedy in that it's just very sad that it meant that I didn't.

Have authentic relationships with them and it robbed me of, you know, because it's a hard thing to keep up pretending to be somebody else. So it's quite draining and it's exhausting and you come away feeling worse. So then I would see them less and less, or be in touch less and less. The only real saving grace is that I did get, uh, my diagnosis and, and step out and do all of this at A-D-H-D-F business in, in my mom's lifetime, because had it have been.

Three more years, then she would literally never have known me or understood those actions that did keep her up at night. You know, it's really hard, not just. What you missed out on, but also when you then come to that realization of going, well, I don't even know who I am. Like literally my grief has been about lost time and conversations that I had and I didn't show up as myself as a result of the diagnosis.

Yes, where I can see clearly now what was happening as time goes on, and it's quite difficult to let go of some of those, those are traumas, et cetera, et cetera. As time goes on, it's become clearer. And is that because I'm older? Is that because I've got this diagnosis? I don't know, but I have just got braver and stronger.

I've definitely done the same. I've started actually sort of saying, oh, I don't think I've processed that, or I don't think I've heard that. Going back to what Ruth said about not telling people how difficult it is when people constantly tell you, oh, but everybody's got it before I would've gone. Yeah. Oh yeah.

Yeah. And just. Pretended that I agreed with whatever they've said, I'm getting better at actually saying, well, no, actually we're well underdiagnosed. And it's just that, you know, people are actually being able to talk about it now. I mean, I've been diagnosed three years now, and the, the shame around that bit has been horrible.

It's been so much easier coming out. I was gay than coming out as a DHD and like having to hide. Yeah. The fact that you are A DHD, um, and I, I think I'm autistic as well, so it's sort of. You've got the two sides of that coin that are just make it so difficult. And I've had to be brave. I sometimes feel that that's masking 'cause I'm not brave, I'm not strong and I don't, well, we're gonna take off the mask and talk about hats.

You're putting on a different hat for that occasion. Like it's really funny because you know, as I've said, I kept myself out of the corporate world 'cause I knew I didn't fit and because I am so shit at masking. Apart from that. Parent or other people's parent situations, I haven't really masked until I realized, you know, if the idea is that masking is sitting up straight, sitting still saying the right words, listening to any, I'll go the other way and be completely outrageous because I know I can't hold it.

Whatever, this, whatever, all of this, what am I supposed to do? I just go, rah, let it all out. Take up all of the space, be loud, be whatever, and do it that way, and actually go, how much of that, but how much of that, exactly, how much of that is much? How much of that is authentic in that moment, or are you hiding behind that persona?

The assumption when you hear that is back to that whole, you know, if you're being professional in a professional world, whatever. So the people that don't have to mask are people like creatives who never have to work in the office and blah, blah, blah. But obviously as we've said, that's also rubbish.

Exactly. Because they could be masking in the other direction and still asking. It's all about the feeling inside. How do you feel in that moment? Yeah. Or it's limiting your exposure to the things that cost you spoons, because as we said, it's exhausting to keep up an act, to have to behave a certain way, to be hypervigilant, watching your surroundings in a place that you don't feel comfortable.

It's just about giving yourself some grace and just. Seeing, just trying to recognize the feeling. That's it. If you could even start recognize the feeling of when it genuinely is. Discordant, if that's a word in your head. Um, I like that word. Um, but you know when that's kind of, is feeling really uncomfortable and just noticing it.

That's, yeah, a hundred percent. It's that self-inventory time and again, looking in, looking into feeling, you know, there are certain situations I come away feeling exhausted and there are other situations that I come away feeling. Hi. You know, completely exuberant. There's one more thing. Yeah. I wanted to say I, I feel like I'm preaching or something.

This is just my opinion. This is just my opinion based on my lived experience. I'm not saying I'm right. This is my feeling is that if we were all to completely unmask, like where is the responsibility to others. Example, I'm a hugger. Not everyone is, and I'm incredibly enthusiastic. If I'm excited to see you, I'm gonna run up to you and probably even try and pick you up depending on how ridiculous I'm feeling that day.

But that is not okay. Are you a hugger? Am I okay to touch you? And, and, and I do it still. There are situations where I walk up and I go, hi, and launch at somebody, and then I immediately go. Oh, I'm really sorry. I should have checked. That's my impulsivity. But that doesn't give because I'm impulsive. Yeah, because I'm affectionate.

Uh, enthusiastic. That doesn't give me the right to overstep somebody else's boundaries. And I might still do it because of my, uh, presentation of neurodivergence, but I would still have to take accountability for that and say. Sorry, that's not okay. I didn't mean to do that, and I would make every effort not to do that.

So if we all unmasked in the library and we're singing and tapping and speaking and laughing, and if everyone was running around hugging everybody who didn't want to be hugged. That's not fair on them. So in finding our own boundaries and figuring out where we feel comfortable trying to communicate them if it's safe to, or at least leaning into the spaces that don't cost us all of the frigging spoons, we also have to be respectful that other people is, is gonna look completely different to ours and, and be respectful of others' boundaries and.

Yeah, that's it really. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. I didn't mean to ramble that long, but you know, it's what you're saying. It's about learning to put ourselves in the bases and the positions and with the people that make us feel comfortable. If we're constantly masking, if we're constantly feeling like we have to put on that act, put on that mask, then don't put yourselves in that position.

You know, if you are surrounded by friends, family that aren't kind, aren't being nice, you'll feel like you are always hiding yourself from them. You don't have to put yourself in a position where you're with them for too long or Yeah. Or limit your exposure. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Just, you know, um, we do have to take some responsibility for ourselves.

Yes. Just making sure that we're responsible for our own actions and making sure that we then feel comfortable about it. Okay. I was just gonna say then I think, I think what we're saying here is that there are social norms by which everybody has to adhere to. So yeah, rocking up, hugging people, kissing people, there's gonna be social acceptances that everybody has, whether you, whether you're neurodivergent, neurotypical, whatever, whatever.

As Tracy says, we need to be away from them. We don't need to be in them. I think some of those social situations we know we can absolutely be to coin or to quote your phrase. Too much Laura. Anyway. We know that there are places where we can show up and be that too much. I'm at the point of I know where a lot of my masks show up.

I now understand them. I recognize them. I've become more present. I'm doing it, you know, I, I understand what it means. Now, no longer do I have to say, oh, I'm a great chameleon. I can put me up with upper class, low class, middle class.

I understand that, that a lot of that was all about that masking, but I'd still happily be in those people's company, but perhaps wouldn't be quite that person I was before. And that would mean I wouldn't be talking like you. I wouldn't be dressing like you. I wouldn't be trying to be like you. I wouldn't, and all of those things, I'd now start try showing up more like me.

Yeah. And when people go, you are a bit different, or, oh Kim, you didn't used to be like this. It's like, actually this is me. This. And do you know what is, what, what's been like ringing in my ears apart from the tinnitus is, uh, is that in order? So what you said trace was like, you know, you spend more times in the places that you are comfortable.

But in order to make those connections and find those spaces, you would need to unmask and authentically show up as yourself to be able to attract those people. Mm-hmm. And, and this is the perfect hook, and we hope that you'll come along to the A-D-H-D-F plus support groups. It is a safe space to unmask.

You will not be judged and. As we know through the community, which is the work that has inspired the creation of the charity, being around literally like-minded people that respect that we're all gonna be a bit different. We're all coming from a good place. We're all showing up to, to connect as a community.

That is exactly what these support groups are all about in real life. Enormous thanks to Tracy, Ruth and Kim, and of course, the Duchess of Wales for all of her support. Hope you enjoyed the episode, hun. So now we're attempting to swap the rigidity of masking and maybe perhaps try and see it instead as putting on different hats, some of which necessary for the environment.

Do you find that analogy helpful? You know I love it hat. In this episode we touched on hormones and the impact that they can have on A DHD, that multi hormone sensitivity theory. And if you'd like to learn more about that, you can listen to the episode with the incredible Dr. Niga Arif, which is quite a few episodes back.

But if you type in Dr. Negat, you'll find the episode on hormones, perimenopause, really exploring the impact of those hormones on our A DHD. Now many neurodivergent people struggle to identify their emotions, which is something we talked a great deal about in this episode that can be due to Alexathymia.

To learn more about this, you can listen to the episode with KTO Sous called A DHD, sex Dungeons and Dragons. If you've not already heard the previous two episodes about burnout and teamwork, have a listen 'cause I've had loads of amazing feedback and alongside all of the information. Validation, both share some very special events, the big A DHD fundraiser and the Blackpool style Assembly, both raising funds for amazing charities, including ours.

But before we get to either of those, there is of course July's free A DHD support groups on Unmasking and A DHD Bingo seminars. Both are free of charge and no A DHD diagnosis necessary. Because self-diagnosis is valid and in a system so broken that we currently have over half a million people in the UK on waiting lists, some of whom could be waiting up to a decade for life changing, and what can be, as was my case, life saving A DHD, assessment, diagnosis, and treatment.

Self-diagnosis has to be valid. People need support. You can read more about that, gain clarification on what we mean by marginalized genders, who our support groups are for, and find out the charity's reflection on the NHS England A DHD task Force First report in the brand new blog. Which is available on A DHD af plu.org.uk or by clicking the link in the blurb of this episode.

If you can't join us at any of the unmasking support groups of July, I invite you to explore the topic with two of the questions asked in this episode. What parts of you have you hidden or mastered fit in, and what would it or does it mean to drop the mask and let them be seen? If you're listening on Spotify or another platform that allows you to comment, you can let me know in the comments I'd love to hear, or if not, you can drop it on a post at a ADHD AF podcast on Insta.

As we said, discovering your Neurodivergence later in life. Brings a lot of relief and I'm three years down the road and still figuring it out. If you are coming to the Bingo seminars next week in Birmingham and London and you have been to one of my A DHD Bingo shows, one of the podcast tours before, they're slightly different.

It's still a game of bingo. There will still be prizes. I need to find my ladle. But they won't have the karaoke and cabaret element of them because they are not shows. They are seminars, but they will still be ADHD awareness raising. They will still be fun. You can still win a prize and they're totally free of charge, and you can connect with like-minded locals.

I hope that those of you learning about and sharing your experiences of unmasking and hopefully feeling able to do exactly that in Edinburgh on the 1st of July, Aberdeen second and Manchester ninth, all have a great time connecting with like-minded locals. I can't wait to get to all of the peer support groups and.

There are more coming up next month. If A-D-H-D-A-F plus charity hasn't yet created a support group in your local area, you can apply to start your own via the link in the episode show notes, and you can also apply to become an ambassador. I would love you to or volunteer your time anywhere you can lend us a hand.

We would be so incredibly grateful. Whatever you are going through, if you need help, there's a list of suggested resources for support in the show notes, and you are never alone. We may all be different flavors of this ADHD 'ice cream' with a variety of co-occurring sprinkles on top, but we are all on this safari together.

I'm so grateful that we are, and I doth my many hats to you all. 

Thank you so much for listening.

LEOPARD PRINT ARMY!