Friendship Isn’t Prime—You Can’t One-Click A Bestie

What if the right number of friends isn’t more, it’s fewer—and deeper? We dig into how friendship shifts from childhood ease to adult intention, and what it really takes to keep the people who matter close without burning out. From standing monthly dates to “good enough” rituals at home, we share the small, sustainable habits that build trust, survive busy seasons, and make reconnection feel effortless.

We open up about bandwidth and honesty—why it’s okay to have only a couple of ride-or-die friends, and how to give grace for the months when life gets loud. You’ll hear stories of lifelong besties, the friend who always plans, the one who brings the perfect gift, and the truth teller who says what you need to hear. We unpack social media FOMO and replace it with ownership: if you want more connection, what effort are you willing to make? If you don’t, can you release the guilt and choose peace?

Connection goes beyond age and location. We explore multigenerational friendships at work where Boomers, Millennials, and Gen Z learn to see effort in different forms, turning friction into understanding. We spotlight intentional communities—from tiny house clusters to co-living models—that reduce isolation for older adults and extend health through daily touchpoints. And we make a case for hybrid friendship: online threads that keep the story going until the next in-person moment.

Walk away with practical ideas to curate your circle, set recurring touchpoints, and name your friendship style so expectations match reality. If you’re ready to trade performative “busy” for meaningful bonds, press play, share this with your person, and tell us: what’s one ritual you’ll start this month? Subscribe, leave a review, and help more people find the show.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:02

Hello and welcome to Life on 10. Hello, friends and family. It's Angela and Vanessa. Vanessa. Yay! Hello, everyone. I am hoping that everyone is doing well. How are you doing, Vanessa? I'm doing awesome.

SPEAKER_00 0:21

Awesome. Vanessa's doing awesome. I know. You're like, surprise, surprise. Vanessa's doing awesome. No, I am. I, you know, I recent we recently got back, you know, everybody, we we do two, we record two episodes at at a time, right? And so I just got back from my Disneyland or Disney World vacation. And um I feel I felt just so energized, like to come back to work and start doing what I love and um just kind of like hop back into everything. And I feel like that's a good way to know that you are what you what you're doing is something you love because I don't I didn't like dread going back to work after my vacation. Like it wasn't like, oh, I have to go back to work tomorrow. Like I was excited to get back to work and uh you know start you know working on some projects and really move the needle on some things that I'm hoping to improve for this year. So it's good.

SPEAKER_01 1:15

So I'm feeling I'm feeling awesome. Boy, that Disneyland and Disney World, they need to pay you. I think I said that last time. You they they're missing out on they're totally missing out. I as I it is their great loss.

SPEAKER_00 1:28

It is.

SPEAKER_01 1:29

I wish that I could find a place that made me feel like that happy. I yeah, I'm I just I gotta I gotta figure it out. I just have to figure it out.

Naming The Topic: Adult Friendship

SPEAKER_00 1:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:38

Um, okay, so Vanessa has a I think it's an interesting topic uh for us to talk about tonight. I am handing it over to you, Vanessa, who you want to talk about.

Why Childhood Friendships Felt Easy

SPEAKER_00 1:51

Okay, so we're we're gonna talk about friendship. And the reason we're gonna talk about friendship is I I, you know, so many I I was reading uh the Mel Robbins book, The Let Them Theory, and she talks about um friendship and adult friendships and how it challenging it is to have them. Um and there, I and I'm not gonna like that's her book. Please, I would endorse, I'm endorsing her book. It's a great book. I love it. It was it's really good. So I would um, and in fact, if you like to listen to books, I would listen to it because she narrates it like it's her cool and she's so great. She's, you know, somebody to read, and I'm sure you all, many of you have. But um, it got me thinking just about friendship in general and how, you know, when we're kids, right, friendship is easy because you have nothing else in your life going on. It is literally you roll your ass out of bed, mom and dad have made breakfast for you, probably, or throwing some waffle your way or whatever. You put your book bag on and you walk to school and you're with your friends and you're in school. And then what do you want to do on the weekends? You want to go hang out with your friends, and then like right? Like it's all about, and that's what's all about friendship. It's and that's a crucial like adolescent milestone. Yes, right? Yes, it's all about friendship.

SPEAKER_01 3:12

Yeah, you you prefer your friends over your friends. Your parents, yeah. Like that.

Fewer Close Friends By Design

SPEAKER_00 3:16

That is right. That's it. It is so it's a that so I think about like friends were everything to me. And then I flash forward to my 44-year-old self, and I'm not saying I don't have friends. I'm saying that I literally only have like a couple really good friends that are like the ones that I want to do things with or that I will go hang out with. I have tons of acquaintances, casual friends, or you know, people that if it's in the right mood and it's not too inconvenient, that sure I will go have a drink with them, right? Or I'll go out to dinner or lunch or whatever. But there's only a couple people that I will like go on vacation with, or you know what I mean? Like that are like my friend friends that I call on the phone. I'm I call them on the way to work and talk to them, right? Like, and then you look at that, and part of that's because it takes effort to have friends when you're an adult.

SPEAKER_01 4:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:29

It didn't really take much effort when I was a kid.

SPEAKER_01 4:32

No, like no, none at all. I I think it's interesting. You said you you do have like okay, you do have some friends. I have is that saying you would like to have more friends?

SPEAKER_00 4:47

No, I don't want to have more friends.

SPEAKER_01 4:49

Okay, you don't have to do that.

SPEAKER_00 4:50

And there's a very the reason why is because it takes so much effort to keep them. Yeah, no, it's it's I mean, I I look at the friendships that I have, and if I I don't have the bandwidth to do more with them, and I want to do more with them. So if I had more friends, I would take away from what I'm able to do with my current friends because I don't have the bandwidth to do more.

SPEAKER_01 5:18

Got it. See what I'm saying? Okay.

SPEAKER_00 5:20

So for me, I'm like, yeah, sure. If I had more, if I had unlimited free time, I would definitely have more friends and more developed friendships. But because of the fact that I just have such a limited free time and I have other things that are important to me and I prioritize, starting and maintaining intense relationships is not super important to me right now.

Intentional Rituals To Stay Close

SPEAKER_01 5:47

I think that um it's harder, it's more challenging to develop close adult friendships. Yeah. It doesn't mean that it's not possible though. Yeah, you're right that it takes effort. I'm thinking about my friends. Um, I have two friends here in Miami. I am sorry, I'll take it. I'll say you are not in Miami. Um I have two friends here, and we definitely, with the greatest intention, carve out time. Like we have dates. And um, one of my friends, Christy, is so great about it because just around like the end of a month, before the month passed, she's like, hey, we need to get together. Yeah. And she initiates that. And then my other friend and I, we respond, okay, what are we gonna do? Yeah. So we are intentional about that. We are intentional about we're not gonna let a month pass without seeing each other together. Yeah, and a lot of times that it's just like at my at my place, it's at my place. Sometimes it's just hanging out, you know, trying different wines, um, playing some board games. And then sometimes we're going out. Yeah. The most important thing is that we're getting we're together. Connecting, like we're we're actually connecting. I envy, I have a um an ex-boyfriend, and I envy people like this. He has a friend, and they have been friends. Your friend is probably like this. They have been friends for 35 years. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:29

My bestie, I've we've been friends for over 40 years.

SPEAKER_01 7:32

There you go. Yeah. 35, 40 years. I don't even know. Yeah. That's that to me is just so unique and so extraordinarily special. Yeah. That someone is in your life.

SPEAKER_00 7:43

That I can't even remember my life without her. That's wild. Like, not like I don't have a memory without her there. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:52

So did you guys meet in high school or college?

SPEAKER_00 7:54

Oh, we no, no, we met. I'm 44. Oh, wow. That's what I'm saying. I'm 44. Oh my god, that's it. And I've had her for over 40 years. So we we were next door neighbors. That's yeah, that's when we were itty bitty. She I was like four, three, four, and she was four, five. Oh my god. Right around there. And so that was how we met being next door neighbors. And then she actually moved to a different neighborhood, still the same town, but a different neighborhood. And we didn't go to the same elementary school. We did go to the same junior high, but we were on like different because we went to a year-round junior high and we were on different tracks. So we weren't even in the same classes or even off on the same times. Like our breaks were off, were different. But we still were connected on the weekends. We hung out, we did whatever. We went through high school. We were in completely different classes. Like we only had one class together in high school.

SPEAKER_01 8:40

Oh, wow.

SPEAKER_00 8:41

And we were able to work on one group project together, and we both like aced it. It was the best day ever. We we still laugh about our amazing biology project. Um, but no, we were we were just like besties from day, you know, yeah. Day one so much.

SPEAKER_01 8:56

So I just when it happens like that, I personally believe it's just you guys are just it was meant to be. Yeah, it was meant to be. Well, it's like we were sisters, yeah. We just that was meant, that was very, very unique. Yeah, you were meant to be. Adult friendship takes work, yeah. It takes work. I do think that it's definitely worth it. Was it yesterday? I think yesterday I was on Instagram or something, and I saw this woman, she was 63 years old, and she never married, and she didn't have any kids. And she was talking about what that was like and how people looked at her and was like, Well, what are you gonna do? Aren't you worried? So, what she thought of is I know, she said to her to herself, and then to and saying it on Instagram, I know that there are other women out there like me. Yeah, and so I thought it was just so clever of her inviting women to come into her space and create friendships, but not just create these adult friendships, actually consider buying these tiny houses and living by each other.

SPEAKER_00 10:09

Oh, interesting, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 10:11

Something like having a community of mature women, and um some women had lost their spouses and their kids are adults and they're wherever doing their adulting. So I thought that's amazing. What a great thought. Oh, I think what a great idea that is.

Lifelong Besties And Origin Stories

SPEAKER_00 10:32

I think that's awesome. And and I think it that, you know, that this is a different topic, but it's still so important. Just this connect this concept of connection. That is how our elder population live longer and better lives. Is they they aren't lonely and they're not do not isolate. Yeah. When you take an older person and you put them and lock them up in their own apartment by themselves without any kids around, they're not gonna do well.

SPEAKER_01 10:58

No.

SPEAKER_00 10:58

And so I love that there's this concept that's starting to kind of come back where people are they're they're creating communities where elderly people who may don't maybe don't have any family are brought in to be a part of uh living. So they're they're like intentional apartment homes. Yes, where you will have an elderly person who is not a member of your family living in a small little, but they're with you and they'll come to dinner and they'll eat with the family and they'll be a part of the community. And I think that's so valuable because it's that concept of like the older, wiser person with the younger generation, just that passage of knowledge and information.

SPEAKER_01 11:37

And yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 11:39

It's a it's such a beautiful thing. It is friendships, don't have to be the same age. You could be older man or woman friends of a little kid.

Connection As We Age And Thrive

SPEAKER_01 11:46

There's so much, there's so much to share and to learn if you're curious, exactly, and and and not judgmental about the younger generation. Yeah, we talk about that um in our in our office a lot about observing how many of our medical practices they have multi-generations, right? Yeah in the office. Yeah. What happens though is that you have boomers and you have millennials and you have Gen Zers and there's sometimes conflict around how the younger generation's showing up. Yeah. Because the baby boomers have these ideas about what work should look like. And some some of them are like what you should be wearing to work. Exactly. But what it means to come to work on time, be prepared, and all of this. And then the Gen Z is just rolling in right before, right before it's time for them to, you know, yeah, to clock in. Like two minutes before, and then the um boomer or even the millennial have so much stuff to say, like they're not serious, they don't take their job seriously. No, they do, they they really do. Yeah, uh, but if we can, well, this is what I try to do is to get them to start talking to each other, yes, that connection, and then the older person realizes, like, oh, oh, they're not lazy. Oh, they just have different priorities, they just have different priorities, yeah. And oh, even though they're leave coming right before and leaving exactly at the time, you know, time to um get off, they're still doing the work. Yeah, like that's you. You kind of come early and stay late. That's you, that's all you're doing. Wonderful. Go for it. It doesn't take anything away from what they are doing. Exactly. Exactly. One of the ways I have found to kind of like create that connection is to get them to talk to each other and share stories. Yes. And it's just like they have an aha. Totally.

SPEAKER_00 13:53

Like, yeah. And wow, and that's it's all it's uh like this. Yes, we started the podcast episode, you know, talking about friendship, but it's really about friendship and connectivity. And there is no right amount. No, that's what I want. I you have to have some, you really have to have some connection. Humans need it, it's a part of our DNA, it's who we are, it's how we created this culture and the civilization that we have.

SPEAKER_01 14:17

Right.

SPEAKER_00 14:18

So, but I am perfectly content as I am. And my best friend has a hundred million friends that she put so much effort into maintaining these friendships. Like, I I don't have that type of energy to put into other people. I really don't. I always tell her, I'm like, dude, you're lucky I put energy into you. You know, she always she's like, I'm your one friend, Vanessa. And I'm like, You are, you are my one friend. Um, because I just don't have the energy to put it into all these other people. But she does. She's got, and it's because it brings her immense joy. She loves connecting with people, she loves, you know, bringing people gifts and things like that. Like it's just a part of who she is and it makes her who she is. Um, and it's not like Robert's the same way. Robert has zero friends, he doesn't hang out with anybody. It does make me sad.

SPEAKER_01 15:13

Oh, I have sad face. Yeah, sad face all.

SPEAKER_00 15:15

Technically, I'm his best friend and he is friends with my friend, you know, like he sees, but he just doesn't really does he want friends? Not really. Here, this is how this is my answer. Do you want friends? Uh are you gonna go out and do anything to get a friend? No. So so do you want friends? Like if you're not willing to put in the time to make a friend, then clearly whatever's happening is working for you. Yeah, it's not like he can't make friends, that's a whole other different topic, right?

SPEAKER_01 15:46

Right, right.

SPEAKER_00 15:46

If you want friends, but you can't find friends, that's a whole, well, where are you looking for them? You need to hook up with people who like different hobbies. You need like what makes you light up, find those people. Yeah, and then you'll cultivate friendships around a like, a similar like or whatever. Um, but the reason why friendships are hard at our age is because it takes so much effort. It's not easy.

SPEAKER_01 16:13

It does.

Cross-Generational Bonds At Work

SPEAKER_00 16:14

And one of the things that that Mel Robbins mentioned in her book that I I really truly also loved a lot about, I I really loved, was this concept of friends coming in and out of your life. And it's okay. Like there may be a time when I just don't have the ability. Like, there there are some times when I don't get to see my bestie for like a month. She'll be like, God, I feel like I haven't seen you in a month. And I'm like, yeah, because you haven't. And it's because I've got so much stuff going on in my life right now that I'm like barely keeping my head above water at a certain time, right? And she's okay with that. She's not like penalizing me or being like, you know, you just don't care about me. No. When you have friendships, don't penalize your friends because they didn't reach out to you for a handful of months, but then they come back at a time, you know, that be the friend that is okay to come and go in and out of people's lives. Like it doesn't like, you know, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 17:16

No, I I totally 100% agree with you. I the friends I have in Miami, I've known probably for 30 years now. And that's how we are. Yeah. Whenever I go home, maybe that's once a year, it's like we never left. You never left. It's like you never left these. And I'm not like, you didn't call me. Yeah. You didn't call me for Christmas. You didn't call me for this. No, they we connect at the right and perfect time. And when we do connect, it's it's extraordinarily special because we hadn't seen each other and we're talking each over each other, and it's all this excitement, and it's just it's absolutely beautiful. It takes effort 100%. I also know that what we value, we find time for. If it's important to us, we will find time for it. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 18:11

So and I think um, you know, having uh all of this, uh I like I said, I really almost like a FOMO, this fear of missing out when you see other people on social media or Instagram, that hits me sometimes where I'm like, God, look at them. They're out with all these friends and they're having so much fun. And then when I say to myself, Vanessa, you absolutely could be doing exactly what they're doing. But this is what it takes to be there.

SPEAKER_01 18:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:47

I go, yeah, no, I'm good. Right? Like it, it's so that that when you put it into that perspective, it changes it from poor me, I'm not hanging out with them. I wasn't included, I'm not this, that, or the other. And it makes you realize it puts you back into the perspective of, well, was I trying to be included? Have I been involved in this group at all? Have I been, you know what I mean? Did the last five times they asked me to go out, did I say yes and then bail? So they stopped, right? Like you have to take some ownership for friendships. Friendships don't fall in your lap, they take work. And also you like you said, you if if they're important to you, you'll make the time to do it. And um I I like I said, when I look at people doing things uh in going out and hanging out, I that is probably the only time where I'm like, oh man, I wish I did more of that kind of stuff. But then I go and do it and I'm like, oh yeah, that was fun. I filled my bucket. I'm I'm good. I'm not, you know. I don't know. I think I'm in I'm in a sweet place, like I'm in a good place. I have so much control. Connection at work.

SPEAKER_01 20:01

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 20:02

I have, you know, connection. I mean, look at we get together once a month and we talk about cool stuff.

SPEAKER_01 20:08

Yes. And we whatever.

SPEAKER_00 20:09

We have a chat on the side. We have our peer group. Right. Like we do that. And then I have, you know, other things that I go and do. And it's okay. Like I'm happy with what I have. And if I want more, I will go and cultivate more. But you have to cultivate.

Choosing Your Bandwidth Without Guilt

SPEAKER_01 20:29

That's the word. You have to cultivate. I was just thinking about, at least in our in our office, we're we're pretty hybrid. So we only come in once a Thursday. The whole team comes in that one day, that one Thursday. Yep. And let me just say, we get very little done. Yeah. And I'm saying that because it's fabulous, and because everyone is so happy to see each other. Exactly. Like the entire team comes in that one Thursday a week. And there's slather and there's chatter and there's eating. Yeah. And there's all this, oh, what have you been doing? The sharing the stories, the connection. That's so important. Yeah. That's so very, very important. And we look forward, at least I can speak to myself. I look forward to that day because those are my work friends. Yeah. And some of us do things outside of that as well.

unknown 21:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:26

No. And I and I I also don't want to diminish the friendships that people make online.

unknown 21:31

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 21:31

Because that also is a very viable and valuable method of connecting with people. Um, I I still think you need some in-person human interaction for sure. I don't want them to replace that.

SPEAKER_01 21:45

No.

SPEAKER_00 21:46

But the beauty of I went to medical school in Kansas City, I went to residency in University of Nevada. I did college in Tennessee. I lived in North Carolina, Mobile, Alabama. The fact that I have all these friends that I've cultivated over the years that have now scattered and live in all these different wonderful cities across the country. And I get to go online and see what they're doing and like watching their kids grow up and all this kind of stuff. Yeah, it's like I've got a a wonderful friend who I love and I we are best friends in college. She was in my wedding. But I I've seen her like four times since we left college. Wow. Maybe you know what I mean? Like because it just I don't go to Tennessee very much. Yes. So I haven't seen her very often. I saw her at her wedding. I saw her like a, you know, like literally probably four or five times that I've actually seen her. Um and shh and and I I I've watched her little girl grow up. I, you know what I mean, on on pictures and her little boys or now big boys, right? Like I've seen all this stuff happen and I still feel connected to her, even though I wasn't there to see it.

SPEAKER_01 22:58

I believe because what happened is when you were there and you and you made a heartfelt true connection. Yeah. And and that is it's it doesn't matter. The distance doesn't matter. Yeah. Because it was real. Yeah. You know, it was very real. I have a friend, I have to shout Daphne out, who is in um Kansas. Uh, and Daphne and I have been friends since our boys are the same, probably for 20 something, 25 years, not 25, maybe 20 years now. And she's that person that always takes the initiative. She is always Merry Christmas, happy Easter, Happy Mother's Day. What are you doing? How are you doing? She is always that person reaching out. In fact, I'll have to say, she has taught me how to be a friend.

SPEAKER_00 23:45

Yes. There are some people in this world who are just wonderful friends. Like they're good at it. The same way there are some people who are really good at at you know, at cooking or right, like there, it's being a good friend is a skill. Like, do you know there are people that are good gift givers?

SPEAKER_01 24:04

Oh my gosh, yes. Where you're like thought out everything, and you're like, oh my gosh, they know me so well.

Social Media FOMO And Ownership

SPEAKER_00 24:08

They know me so well. And you're like, you're like, I'm so sorry, I'm so lame. That's like me and my best friend. She every year I'm like, what am I gonna give her? And she always has like this incredibly thoughtful, well planned out gift for like everything. Um, and I'm just not like I'm just not that way. And she knows that, you know, she knows she's good at gift giving. She she prides herself in it. I think that's a thing. But like that, there they're just people that are really good. And if you are lucky enough to get a friend who's good at being a friend, um, just count yourself lucky because not everybody has those.

SPEAKER_01 24:40

No, not everyone does.

SPEAKER_00 24:41

Because I know I'm not great at being a friend.

SPEAKER_01 24:42

No, no, no.

SPEAKER_00 24:42

I totally can admit that. I'm not I'm not great at being a friend.

SPEAKER_01 24:46

Um, but uh I I'm not a great gift giver, but if you want somebody to stand up for you and advocate for you um and fight for you, that's the kind of friend I am. I will yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:58

I will you're you're the like you're the answer the call friend.

SPEAKER_01 25:02

That's what I like, which is awesome. And we all need that. I'm the ride or die friend. What when what time we what's time we ride a don?

SPEAKER_00 25:09

Ride a dawn. I got you. That's the main thing. And you need you need friends like that. You need that, like that friend. You need the answer the call friend. You need the one where you know you can just call and unload all your trauma onto them and they're just gonna listen. And that's you need the one that's gonna be like, bitch, please. Just get over yourself, pull your big girl panties up and let's roll. Like you and you know who they are. Yes, you do. And you do you use them in the way that you're you need them. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. So I'm not I'm friendships are amazing, they're great. And um friendships are amazing, they take work.

Key Takeaway: Effort That’s Worth It

SPEAKER_01 25:44

And and yes, they do. They take effort, they take work. Yeah, and it's also 100% worth it. Correct. It's worth it, it is worth it. Okay, um, that's our closing. All right, everyone. As always, live your life on 10. Your 10. Bye bye.