What If Fear Is Just A Story You Believe

Fear can make smart people do strange things. It can keep us quiet in rooms where we should speak, push us into chasing goals we don’t even want, and turn other humans into threats instead of neighbors. Angela and Vanessa pick up their fear series with a deeper look at what’s really underneath avoidance, anger, and the need to scapegoat, especially when people feel their identity or status slipping. We don’t excuse harm, but we do explore how compassion and a pause before judgment can stop the cycle from getting worse. 

Then we shift from the big picture to the personal: how do you actually face fear in your own life? Angela shares simple coaching prompts that help you cut through the mental noise, including one question that instantly reveals whether you’re acting from courage or from pressure. We also talk about “busy” as a socially approved escape hatch, the importance of self-reflection, and why clarity about your why matters before you chase a promotion, a leadership role, or any path that looks impressive from the outside. 

Finally, we get real about fear of people: the awkwardness, the worry about being judged, and the way avoidance becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We connect that to unconscious bias and the echo chambers that grow when we never step outside our circles. We end with a challenge to take one small, low-stakes step beyond fear and tell us what happens. If this hits home, subscribe, share the episode with a friend, and leave a review so more people can find Life on 10.

Transcript

Welcome And A Quick Catch-Up

SPEAKER_02 0:02

Hello and welcome to Life on 10. Hello, friends and family. This is Angela, and as always, Vanessa. Hello, everyone. I am just so excited, and I'm feeling really, really great in spite of all the mayhem and chaos that is going on in our world. Why am I feeling great? Well, we are on time in sequence with our podcast. I'm so excited. Vanessa actually loaded the last one up on time same day. I'm super excited about that.

SPEAKER_00 0:41

I was gonna say, really, what you meant to say was Vanessa got her shit together and made sure that we had our podcast up and loaded. That's what you meant.

Seeing Fear Behind Power And Anger

SPEAKER_02 0:50

Yes, that is exactly what I meant. That is exactly what I meant. Uh so anyway, I hope everyone is doing well. We are experiencing some beautiful weather here in Northern California. We had a lot of rain, but now we're just enjoying just sunshine and just that perfect weather where there's a little bit of crispness in the air. So I hope you guys are having a wonderful experience as well. This is, if you recall from last time, we promised that we were gonna do part two on fear. So this is part two on fear. Yeah. I'm gonna let you start it off, Vanessa. Where did we end last time?

SPEAKER_00 1:36

Well, the last time we we talked about the concept of being afraid, whether it's being afraid to fail or being afraid to um be hurt or being afraid to put yourself out there for a variety, whether it's with people, whether it's with going after a new job, whether it's trying something new, right? That it's fear often is what's standing in the way of us making connections with other people, or sometimes even of us understanding someone else's viewpoint, or fear of losing the current status that we see ourselves or hold to be true. You know, for example, um, some of the fear that um, you know, white males have around the loss of the power that they've had forever, right? Yes, leads them to make some poor decisions. And um, and and so to me, it kind of helps me want to humanize that a little bit more and be more understanding and try to solve problems and connect and and be a bridge with people when I see things from a maybe you're just afraid, yes, instead of maybe you're a bad person. Yes, right? Yeah, it just helps me.

SPEAKER_02 2:55

You're right. No, I love it. I love it, you're right. Taking that pause and um seeing the humanity in the person, reserving judgment, and and in saying that, I have to be honest, sometimes that's very challenging to do. Um because I I think especially for certain certain populations or group of people, because when you have had power for so long, and as a person who is on the other side of that, I have to really work with seeing compassion. Yeah. I could see that you have ruled the world forever and stepped on a lot of people. Um and because the universe eventually bends to justice, so now there is an there is an evening out, or even um, some people believe some karma, that it's a little part of me that probably more than a little part, it's a part of me that's like, yeah, you know, um this feels right. This feels right. And also I'm working on the compassion part.

SPEAKER_00 4:18

Yeah, I'm working on the company. It's not compassion. I mean, it's not easy, and I 100% understand how when people have increased burdens uh the front that had been placed on them from society and increased um uh you know various forms of discrimination, et cetera, right? It's harder and harder to swallow that and and to feel the compassion because you're so angry and because it's just like you're like this is this is your comeuppance, my friend. So I I totally get it. And it says where I'm gonna throw out the and bomb instead of the butt bomb, right? Because you want to make sure, yeah, you want to make sure that you're not negating everything I just said. Exactly. And in order to bring people together and heal, we have to have compassion. And I I always look back on like um uh Germany, right? If we had not, as a world leaders, treated Germany so poorly after World War I, I don't know that we would have had a World War II, right? And so it's the same kind of a thing. I mean, I think even the Civil War, right? There was some stuff that went on after the Civil War that there was so much pushback from people who were getting things, quote, taken away from them. We can have a discussion over whether it was theirs to begin with, right? But like for them, it wasn't, right? But for them it was. So then there's this like backlash, and then where do they point their finger or their trigger? Where does the anger go towards the people who have less power?

SPEAKER_02 5:58

Always.

SPEAKER_00 5:59

Because did the white people in the north suffer the consequences? No. It was the right, so that's where it's always like in order, in my opinion, to bring people together and avoid further backlash, which is what I think Trump is. Trump is a backlash president because of some things that were people were made to feel bad for who they were. That's what it is, really. Yeah, and and and so they were like, I feel bad because they don't understand how to anyway. They felt bad. And then Trump comes in and made them feel good about who they are. Yeah. And like, it's okay, you be you, don't worry about it.

SPEAKER_02 6:41

And he gave voice, you be racist, you be sexist, you'd be you be yeah, you be you be mad at the world. Exactly, because the world is um, you know, leaving you behind.

SPEAKER_00 6:51

You know, stoking those fears so that he can make money. And all the billionaires could make money because that's what it's really all about.

SPEAKER_02 6:58

Oh, we know that one thousand percent. 1000%. And um, I don't know how we're talking about him, but anyway, well, because he's the fearmonger in chief. He that's why what he did, what he did was he tapped into their insecurities and their fears, and he and he he does does not give a shit about them. No, but he's a perfect con man. A con man makes you feel like you're the most important thing in the world. Yeah, they make you feel like they are truly listening to you, yeah, and that they're suffering with you. Yeah, and what he did was once once he, I guess, whatever he was saying spoke to them, um, then it's like, okay, I'm abandoning you now. Yeah. I don't care anything about it. Absolutely. None of them. Absolutely. So with that said, what you're saying is is paramount, is, is, yes, we have to have compassion and and listen. Um, and for some reason, forgiveness is coming up for me. Yeah. I I, you know, working on forgiving that person for not being able to see what truly is going on within them.

SPEAKER_00 8:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:16

That they have not done the self-reflection that, okay, this is really about me.

SPEAKER_00 8:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:23

And not anyone else. Not, you know, the immigrant, not my neighbor, not the woman. Exactly. This is about me. That's human nature for some people to look for scapegoats. Sorry. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 8:36

Well, because it's easier. Well, so much easier to blame others than to look internally and find something that's wrong with yourself or that could be improved. Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 8:46

And and to to um your point, that is fear. That is fear. Like the probably, I would say, one of the greatest fears is to sit in the silence and listen to yourself. Do the self-reflection. Many people do not self-reflect out of fear of what they're going to discover. Yeah. And so what they do is to deflect that is to stay busy. Stay busy. And when you look busy, people think that you're actually doing something and they pat you on the back and they say, Great job. And oh my gosh, he's so busy, he's so busy. So sometimes that busyness is about running from doing that deep self-reflection. Yeah. Absolutely.

From Venting To Facing Fear

Two Coaching Questions That Cut Through

SPEAKER_00 9:46

That can be an escape. Yeah, it totally can. And so I think that's the, and I'm I sorry, listeners, we we always get a little um, you know, uh hot and irritated when we start talking about some of these topics. But what we're really trying to say is last time, last episode, we really talked about fear. Now let's talk about what is it that you can do to go out and face those fears. What are what are some I don't know, we're not gonna be like, here's your four-step tool, dude. We're not like that's not us. We're not trying to sell you um anything. We're not, you know, um trying to get you to, you know, any any anyway. We are we are just here to offer what we think is advice in regards to I I think I'm gonna call it anecdotal. Angela is also a coach, so she truly does have a lot of experience in this. She talks people through facing their fears at work and at home a lot. This is, I mean, this is what she does. She's really good at it. Um, so Angela, do you have any advice or or um thing you want to start off with? I'm I'm always happy to.

SPEAKER_02 10:56

I um this is gonna sound so crazy. It might sound crazy to some people, but there's a couple of questions I ask clients. Is how how are you gonna feel if you don't do it? I love that. I adore that. How think about it. How are you gonna feel if you don't go for it? Yeah. And they think about it. And some of them is like, I'm gonna feel like crap. Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 11:26

That's your answer. Or some go, I'm gonna be so relieved. Well, then maybe this wasn't for you.

SPEAKER_02 11:31

Maybe it wasn't for you. Yeah, the other thing is is your why? Like, where is this coming from? Where is where is the desire to do this thing or not do this thing? Really tap into again, self-reflection, sit in that silence, really explore where is this coming from? The desire to do it or not do it. Because there's always some why behind that. Yeah. There's always some why behind that. Sometimes you're going for that promotion for someone else.

SPEAKER_00 12:08

And and for someone else, it could be, you know, you it could be your your partner or somebody wants you to have more social status or some other higher role, make more money, right? Whatever it is. But a lot of times we know that promotions come with significant increase in responsibility. Yes. And if you are in a good place in your career in your job, and you wake up and you're like, I'm happy to go to work today, and I'm glad that I don't have six people that I'm 10 people I manage, a hundred people that I'm managing, and deadlines that I'm having to meet. Like, I'm there are people who are happy where they're at in their job, not constantly looking for the next promotion.

SPEAKER_02 12:48

Exactly, exactly. I we live in a society though that really, really promotes that thinking. Like keep keep climbing that ladder, keep climbing. And sometimes sometimes people feel pressured to do it, and then they end up doing it and and they and they hate it.

SPEAKER_00 13:04

They just like hate it. And that's I think that's how we get bosses or leaders that end up being poor leaders. Because if you're forced into leadership because that was just the next step for you, and uh, then you're not gonna be a good leader. No, you're not. Yeah. And so, and I think we see that. I do think we see that. I think that um that that people get put into positions, and it's not just leadership. I think um I I always bring up, you know, we've a few years ago we had my best friend on here talking about uh being child-free by choice. And I think that's another great example of you know uh the fear to say that out loud, right? And and it took a lot for her um to finally admit that to herself, let alone to others. And um and it was because it it was because of society, like told her that she was not as a valuable of member of society, like that was the next step for her. You got married, you're now you're supposed to have kids. And if you don't have kids, you're a failure. Exactly. Exactly. And um, and so it's it's just unfortunate that there are so many times that um we're afraid to this is an instance where it's not afraid to do something, it's afraid to look at the reason why you want to or don't want to do something, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 14:30

And and once you've figured it out is to stand in that, like to stand in your truth and not feel bad about it because society is saying you should be doing otherwise. Exactly, exactly. The other thing that I I I say to my clients, it's so funny, um, but it's true. I always ask them to think of the last day that their very last day, and imagine what might what they would be thinking about the regrets. Yeah. So like envision that this is your last, your very last day, yeah, you know, on the planet. What are you gonna what comes up for you? Yeah. As a I wish I should have, I could have, I wish I should, I could have. And that just drives them to a place of really discovering what what matters to the most.

unknown 15:35

Yeah.

The Regret Test And What Matters

SPEAKER_00 15:36

No, I agree, I agree. And I I think when and I I I think this discussion has been uh focused a lot on maybe careers, but I think I'm gonna turn it towards the other part that we really wanted to focus on, and that was um the the fears that get in the way of connecting with other people. And I think that um it's one of those uh self-fulfilling prophecies, the less likely you they I'll say it like if you feel uncomfortable about doing something, then you're gonna avoid doing it. And then the more that you avoid doing it, the more uncomfortable you're gonna feel about it. And right, and it just continues to be that way. Exactly. And so I think we we do that all the time with people, whether it's um going out and meeting people, um, going and and doing uh things, taking that next step to do a like, I really want to, you know, take salsa lessons, but I'm embarrassed of having people, what are they gonna think? What are they gonna laugh at me if I didn't, you know? So those are the types of things where you're like, just try it. There is nothing out there, you know. There, I realize there are gonna be some hobbies or some things or things that might be incredibly expensive. And you're like, oh, if I do it and it's really expensive and I waste it, okay, I get it. But I think for the most part, there are opportunities to do things fairly inexpensive or you know what I mean, low or low stakes. Low stakes. Right, low stakes that allow you to try things before you start dabbling more into it and getting more involved. Um, and that's like from the hobby standpoint. And then the other, the other part is just people and this fear of what are other people gonna think of me? What um if I if I do this, what are, you know, I that stops my husband from doing a lot of things, you know. Um it's not so much people gonna think. Yeah, not not so because he he actually says he doesn't care what anybody's gonna, what anybody thinks about him, and he's probably pretty true about that. But um he just because he has a little, he's a little bit on the spectrum, um, he's got Audi HD, he is always worried that people are going to feel uncomfortable around him. Oh because he doesn't react sometimes the way that it's he's supposed to react. He doesn't make the facial expression in the way he's supposed to make it or he's gonna do something weird or whatever. And he says his whole life he's watched other people become uncomfortable around him because he himself isn't really like great at, you know, he's a little awkward, unless he's like one-on-one or with somebody he really, you know, it can connect with, then he's amazing. But when he gets into groups and he's not gone, he's a little awkward. And he just says it just for him, it's that discomfort that he feels from other people has kept him from doing a lot of things. Oh wow, because he doesn't like making other people feel uncomfortable. Wow. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:46

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 18:47

I never would have guessed that. Um, yeah, but it's but like saying we all have our own fears.

Fear Of People And How To Connect

SPEAKER_02 18:53

We do, we all have unique things we worry about. Uh sure, for sure. When you were um talking about people, I was thinking also a lot of um, I believe a lot of why we are some parts of why we are where we are here today um in our country is because of fear of other people. Yeah. Period. It's it's not knowing um your neighbor, you know, and and not stepping outside your circle, yeah, you know, your your community. It makes it so much easier when we don't do that to buy into the propaganda that is placed out there um intentionally to create these divisions. I would I would love for people to step out a little bit, baby steps, um, to get to know people from other communities, people from other races, ethnicities, yeah, and religions. Yeah. Because if we do that, circling back to what you said earlier about compassion, if we do that and we get to learn about this person that's, you know, doesn't look like me, doesn't have the same beliefs that I have, but you will find that there's just another human being that love their children, yeah, you know, want to have a nice life for themselves and their kids. That's what I feel like we need also.

SPEAKER_00 20:29

Absolutely. Absolutely. That's that connection.

SPEAKER_02 20:32

Stepping beyond that fear.

SPEAKER_00 20:34

Yep. Yeah. And it and it not only does it serve to help us with fear, but it also helps the it's the cure to combating unconscious bias, right? Yes. Getting yourself out there, seeing how other people are doing things, um, uh, and just experiencing it just allows you to go like, oh, actually, so all these things that I was told about this community actually isn't true. Oh, actually, you know, right? Like it it breaks down because those are that's those are huge ways. The the ways that we become more solidified into our unconscious bias or whatever, however you want to call it, um, is that you're you're only hanging out with people who like the same things that you like, look like you, talk like you, do all right? And then and then you're in your own echo chamber.

SPEAKER_02 21:29

Absolutely, 100%. That's it. And I think that's so like to me, that is a very boring life. Like step outside, having an embracing an adventure to just stay in your circle, to stay within your community. You are missing out on so much.

SPEAKER_00 21:49

Um, just so much. It's it's actually one of the greatest benefits I find of being in healthcare because it forces you. No matter what, to see people as they are and to learn about them in all the various glorious ways in which we are different.

unknown 22:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:12

Right. Exactly. Um, and it's and it's you're you have to, you're forced to, because there is no avoiding each other when you're in healthcare. There is no, there is none of that. I mean, it's if I am going to take care of you, I am going to have to see all of you. Um, and so it's it's I think it's just so much, it's one of the really great things and and just the opportunity to learn about people and to and to um see all the different ways in which people live. Um it's just it's it's hands down, one of the greatest benefits and gifts of being in healthcare. Um is that I love that that exposure that you have.

One Small Step Challenge And Goodbye

SPEAKER_02 22:51

All right. So um we have a challenge for you. I have a challenge for you. I'm going to ask you to take one small sweet step, step beyond your fear about one thing, just one small thing that you've been considering doing, or someone you've thought about talking to. Just take one tiny little step towards that, towards accomplishing that. And um, let us know how that goes. Yeah. They can email us, right? Okay. All right, all right. So, as always, live your life on 10. Your 10. Bye bye.