Stop Hoping They Read Your Mind

“Do you have to do that right here?” sounds like a normal question, but it can quietly fail the moment someone answers it literally. That tiny gap between what we *mean* and what we *say* is where relationships get messy and where neurodivergent people often get unfairly labeled as “rude,” “too direct,” or “not getting it.” We talk about the phrase we keep seeing online, “Clear Is Kind,” and why clarity isn’t harsh. It’s accessible.

We explore how social media has helped more people share autistic and neurodivergent experiences, and why so many common communication habits are built for neurotypical norms: hints, undertones, eye contact expectations, and reading the room. We break down simple rewrites that instantly reduce friction at home and at work, plus how cultural differences in bluntness can get misread as disrespect. Angela shares real-life examples from marriage and parenting, and Vanessa adds what this looks like in healthcare and on teams when you’re trying to validate someone’s experience while still assuming positive intent.

We also dig into conflict resolution through the lens of unmet needs, including Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (Compassionate Communication) framework, and the underrated skill that fixes more than any perfect script: curiosity. If you’ve ever misread a text, taken sarcasm the wrong way, or hoped someone would “just know,” you’ll recognize yourself here.

Subscribe for more conversations like this, share the episode with someone who values better communication, and leave a review if it helps. Where would being clearer change your life fastest?

Transcript

Welcome And The Clear Is Kind Idea

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Hello and welcome to Life on 10. Hello, friends and family. It's Angela, and as always, I am here with my lovely co-host, Vanessa. Hello, everyone. Woo! I hope everyone is doing well. And I am so excited about this topic. Some topics I'm really, really excited about. This one, I am excited because I feel like it's gonna resonate with people.

SPEAKER_01 0:34

I think so. It's we're seeing so many. You're seeing it on TikTok, you're seeing it on Instagram, you're I mean, you're seeing it everywhere. Um, people talking about like this concept clear as kind.

SPEAKER_00 0:48

Clear is kind.

Social Media And Neurodivergent Visibility

SPEAKER_01 0:49

Clear is kind. It's tell me more communicating with clarity in to ensure that people with various types of neurodivergence are able to have the same benefit of conversation and communication as people who are neurotypical. So that's the that's you're we're we're the and it's I think it's getting more attention is being drawn to it for a variety of reasons. First of all, it's not because too many people ate Tylenol when they were pregnant and made a whole bunch of autistic people. That is a hundred percent not the reason why. What is happening is that through one one of the amazing things about social media, because there are amazing things and there are some devastating and horrifically socially damaging things that will go down in history as like, you know, like social media is one of those things that has caused some irreparable damage and some absolutely wonderful good. Absolutely wonderful good. Like the the most yin and yang or two sides of a coin. I mean, I've never I've I I don't know that there's anything else in history. I will I will pose that is I think social media might be the most wonderful and terrible thing so far in history. Yeah, I I agree. It's definitely one of those things that will define.

SPEAKER_00 2:18

It's gonna it has defined us. It has defined us.

Saying What You Need Clearly

SPEAKER_01 2:21

Defining a generation, defining, and and you you're even seeing pushback to social media from the from the Gen Z, where they grew up with it and they're like, and Gen Alpha, like maybe this is too much. We need to go back. And you're seeing almost this analog return and this wistfulness for the for the early 90s and late 80s, right? And we're just sitting here like, okay. Um, but I think one of the things that you're seeing from social media is it allows people to share and to have platforms. And oftentimes I don't think that people who are neurodivergent had the same platform to share their experiences, their trials, their tribulations because they're and I'm using huge air quotes, everybody, you can't see me. They're weird. Ah, okay. Okay. Because the world was made for neurotypical people. That is what the world was made for. That is what is shown as the mainstream way of communicating. That is what education was made for. That everything in our world was made for neurotypical people. And it makes sense. Like it was, you know, the majority of the people are this way. So we're, that's how things are gonna be made. But it's just like, you know, the world with your left-handed, you need left-handed scissors, you need, right? Yes, yes. You have those left-handed shops where come get everything you need for being left-handed. Like this is, I think we're starting to see people who have navigated the world from a neurodivergent angle now able to come out and talk about the things that are extra challenging for them and things that are beautiful for them, right? That that sometimes people who are neurotypical can't even quite understand. So it's just really cool. You're seeing a lot of it. But I what I have been seeing a lot more of is people asking or people providing like hints, tools, tricks of how to help people who are neurodivergent.

SPEAKER_00 4:21

Give me an example.

SPEAKER_01 4:22

So um, I was watching a TikTok video the other day, and it was sent to me by my husband because he is um on the spectrum. And he sent it to me after I'd had a conversation with him where I was not clear. And I had an expectation of him, but it was clear that my communication was not in the way in which it was very well communicated to him that I was expecting an outcome. And so after we had this conversation, and I was like, I'm I was pretty sure that what I said was clear, but I as I thought about it more, I was like, well, I okay, I guess you're right. It was more of those, I want you to want to do the dishes type of a thing where I really want you to just know that I want you to do this, but sometimes you just have to be like, do the dishes.

SPEAKER_00 5:08

Right.

SPEAKER_01 5:08

And it's done, right? Yeah. So he sent me a TikTok video, and it was a woman who was wearing a shirt that said clear as kind. So I thought that was cute. But um, she would walk up to somebody, and the the woman, like, for example, a woman was like, um, she walked up, she's on the phone, she's talking really loudly, and the woman who's sitting there trying to do her work looks up and says, Do you have to do that right here? And she goes, Oh, I'm I'm making an appointment. Like it wasn't clear instead of I'm really having a hard time focusing. Could you take that call outside? Okay. Right?

SPEAKER_00 5:43

Okay, I got it.

SPEAKER_01 5:44

Instead of saying something like, Do you have to do that now? Well, yeah, I have to make this appointment. Right. Right. So they were giving an example of this person who didn't quite pick up on that. Do you have to do this now?

SPEAKER_00 5:57

To So the person on the phone did not pick up on that.

SPEAKER_01 6:00

Did not pick up on that because she's her reply was, Oh, yeah, I I I'm making an appointment.

SPEAKER_00 6:05

Right.

SPEAKER_01 6:06

So for her, she was just, do you have to do that now? Yeah, I have to make an appointment. I'm answering the question. She didn't pick up on that subtlety, that undertone, which to those of us who are neurotypical, that was not subtle. No. That was very to us, that was very clear. Get the hell out. What are you doing? Stop your bothering me. But not everybody has, not everybody communicates in the same way. Um so instead of one of your coworkers, did you see my email? And the person responded, Yeah, I saw it. And then they're just going about their business, and then the person redid it. Hey, I sent you an email. I need an answer by the end of the day. There you go. Right? Right. Clear as kind. So that's what the concept is. I see, I see. Instead of what I think sometimes we as neurotypicals think is polite, or I'll just say it it's passive aggressive. It's trying to get what we want, but by doing it passively or hinting at what we need and expecting people. I people with autism tend to be very clear and precise in what they need.

SPEAKER_00 7:18

Definitely.

SPEAKER_01 7:18

And their language. Yes. And they're not being rude when they do it.

unknown 7:22

Yeah.

Clarity As A Tool For Conflict

SPEAKER_00 7:23

And so I think that's the other side of that conversation. I was gonna say, yes, I think that's definitely possible. That the flip side of that is if you're not neurodivergent, that can come across as being way too direct or even super assertive. Super assertive or rude or totally rude because it is very sometimes very, very direct. Absolutely. Aim straight at you. And maybe we um I'm thinking that maybe we just collectively speak without being clear. Yes, let me let me back it up. I'm I'm thinking about the um oh, you know what what it is? This is what I think it is. Even if you're not neurodivergent, you may not ask for clarity because sometimes clarity, asking for clarity, can be perceived as conflict. Yep, absolutely. And I even when I'm working with um certain clients, I ask them those who may have a challenge with conflict. I ask them to replace conflict with clarity. Yes. Like you're not going in to address this conflict, you're gonna have a clarifying conversation. Let's see what those words feel like. Yeah. And it and it feels different versus I don't like conflict. I don't want to address it. I don't want to say it because you know it's gonna create conflict. No, clarity. Yeah, going in for clarity. Going in for clarity. I just kind of wonder if we do that kind of um bland, not bland, but just non-general speaking because of that. I agree.

SPEAKER_01 9:18

I mean, okay. And that and that's what I think, I think, because you the way that we speak as Americans is definitely very different than other cultures. Yes, right? And you'll notice that once again, one of the wonderful things about healthcare, I will deal with different colleagues from other cultures, and sometimes they'll be very blunt and upright, and and other Americans are like, or the patients will be like, oh, they they that was very rude. And I'm like, they weren't being rude, that's just how they speak. But that is one of the most kindest, wonderful persons I've ever met. But simply because how the tone they use and the words that they use and a variety of things that it is it can become it could come off as being perceived as rude. So that's very interesting, Vanessa.

SPEAKER_00 10:07

How do you here's my thought. Yeah. I I I would I would want to make sure I'm validating what that person said when they say that person is rude, and at the same time offer in suggestions of how how how how that might be perceived based on your experience. So are you doing both things? That's what I'm gonna ask. Are you doing that? Absolutely. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 10:38

No, yeah, I I I never when a especially this is one of your this is one of the patient um experience things. Yes. You never tell a patient that their experience is wrong, right? It's always, I'm so sorry that that happened, or you're, you know, you're validating their feelings. That must be really difficult, or it sounds like that was a really challenging encounter, etc. In my experience, Dr. So-and-so has a very kind heart and would never intend to be, you know, rude or whatever, you know, it says it is more likely that there was some miscommunication on their part. How about I go and talk with them and we can, you know, we can come up with a good plan. Whatever it is. Always managing up the other provider because you want to make sure that you know people continue to have confidence in the care team.

SPEAKER_00 11:27

Right. Right. Yeah. So I feel like that that's that's a perfect example. That's the perfect scenario. And that can also be taken out of the healthcare setting and used in our day-to-day communication. Absolutely.

Everyday Examples Kids And Patients

SPEAKER_01 11:43

Yep. We do that. I mean, it's I I do that with the kids. So this is just something, you know, this is something that funny that Salem did the other day. Salem also is on the spectrum. And he, I was driving home and he called me and he said, Mom, um, I have to tell you something. And I'm like, Oh, what? Like he's he he speaks very precise too. His language is very precise. Um, I left the school, I left school today, and all the kids got mad. And I said, Okay, tell me more. And he and he said, Yeah, the bell rang, and I got up and I left. And the kids got mad. And I said, Well, what did they get mad for? Well, they they said, Salem, why did you leave when the bell rang? And I said, Well, is is that a rule in your class? Are you supposed to stay in your class until the teacher excuses you? No, no, you can leave when the bell rings. Okay, well, are you sure that they just someone just didn't make a comment to you? Could someone have commented on the fact that you left the bell, left the room, right, when the bell rang instead of waiting for the teacher to excuse you? Could it have been a comment rather than somebody being mad at you? I don't know. It could have been a comment. And I said, Well, let's think about all the context clues. Was there some possible reason why anybody would be mad, right? Were you guys gonna get a pizza party if everybody stayed in the in the classroom until the teacher excused you? No. Was there and I started going all these possible I said, so there's no reason why anybody would be mad at you for leaving. No. Okay, well then they probably weren't mad. They just made a comment. And he goes, Yes, yes, that makes sense. Like it, you know, right? So he just had to think through all the things. And who knows what was said. It could have been somebody joking. It could have been, it could have been somebody said, Salem ran out of the classroom, like in a funny, like because maybe he just bolted. Who knows what he did? I don't know. Right, right. But that's the point. I think that we can use it all over the all over the place. Yes. We can um, you know, help our people, help our friends, because you have friends that are on the spectrum. You have partners that are on the spectrum, you have we all do. Yes. And and um and and you'll have coworkers. And so one of the other things I did recently is I I spoke um at a conference about how you this shows up in the workplace and the importance of recognizing it and the importance of understanding that some people, super loud noises and getting in your face and making eye contact is gonna be incredibly challenging. And that doesn't mean they're rude. Angela and I are staring into each other's souls right now, but that's because it doesn't bother us.

SPEAKER_00 14:31

Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 14:32

Other people are like, yeah, they they're they're it's hard for them to look you in the eye.

SPEAKER_00 14:37

For different cultures, it's disrespectful to look you in the eyes.

Unmet Needs Curiosity And Texting

SPEAKER_01 14:40

Yeah. So it's just all these things that that um I just it's just one again, once again, the the glorious ways in which we are all different, right? That no, no one person is the same. You might even have almost nearly the same genetic makeup because we do, right? Our genes, for the most part, are like super, super the same. Yeah, it's just these little changes here and there that make us this and that, and um, and then our life experiences and how we perceive the world, and and and um so the other reason why I had brought this up is because Robert and I had um had a little bit of in and I think this is where this can come out the most is in conflict. And it's when you're having conflict, in my opinion, conflict is just another way in which there is misalignment of goals or misalignment of um miscommunication. Miscommunication. Yeah. Somebody's expectations are here, and somebody came in under that expectation for whatever it is.

SPEAKER_00 15:47

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 15:48

And um, you just have to navigate it. And what way is the most challenging is marriage and living with somebody for many, many years, right? It's one of the most common ways in which you're gonna constantly have opportunities for miscommunication, missed, missed misalignment, and missing expectations, right? And so um when you understand that about your partner, your friend, your coworker, and you give them the grace that is associated with understanding that there could be something else at play here.

SPEAKER_00 16:23

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 16:24

Yes, that is when, in my opinion, you are doing just like you, you're you're not only doing so much good for uh your relationship with that person, but you're in you're you're helping yourself out because I think uh frustration mounts when there isn't that clarity.

SPEAKER_00 16:49

Yes. When there is that disconnect. 100%. I I agree. Yeah I agree. Frustration and then frustration terms can turn into resentment. Yep. Um, and you harbor that over years and it ends up possibly potentially damaging the relationship. There are two thoughts I have as I'm listening to you. There is a beautiful framework called Compassionate Communication or Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It is a powerful, very simple framework about how to express your needs in a very loving, clear way. Marshall states that every conflict comes from an unmet need. Yep. You needed something from Robert. Exactly. You needed something from Robert. Absolutely. And what happens oftentimes is that we expect, I feel like women do this more than men, but we just expect the man to know what we need. Like to read, you should just know. Yeah. You should if they if they say what's wrong, you should just know. You should just know. I don't know why we do that. I don't know why. I'm not saying all women, but a lot of people do it. Yeah, you should just know. And then you get angry, right? So I love this framework. Uh again, it's non-violent communication. Marshall Rosenberg. The other thought I have is curiosity would help tremendously in this situation. Moving from away from assumptions, away from assumptions to curiosity. Yep. Because you can't, like if you're curious, so if I if you're doing something that I'm judging as um cruel or you know, or unkind, yeah, I'm gonna treat you that way. Yep. I'm gonna treat you that way. Yep. If I pause and say, I don't know why Vanessa did that. Yeah. Let me ask her. Yeah. No clarity around that. Let me not let me not jump to an assumption and from that assumption start to treat you differently because that's what we do for you. Absolutely. Absolutely. So I always so curiosity can help a lot of this. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:07

No, I agree. And it's funny because so much of our communication nowadays is done not in front of each other, right? So that's where it gets even worse. So um, texting is an incredibly is I love texting. I will text for days. I will prefer to text over talking a lot of times, right? Like I will text. I mean, I love, I you're talking to somebody who literally talks on my way to work and on my way home from work. I am talking. If I am not texting, you're talking, you're talking. No, no, no. I'm just saying, like I am a talker, so I love talking, but I also enjoy texting greatly. So, but one of the things that happens sometimes is I'll get a text and then I'll I'll look like you could see my head turned to the side, like, what? And it's that that's when the curiosity hits, and I'm like, and I remember Angela and I had a text conversation about this one time where I said something to her sarcastically. Yes. And she came in hot. Her reply was hot. And I was like, oh shit, she thinks I'm serious. And so I had to clarify. Um, just in case. I'm sensing that you're a little upset with me right now. And I just want to make sure you knew that was a total joke. And here's the article I was referencing. And she was like, Oh, she, I mean, she, I remember that text message. I need to frame that because it was it was beautiful. It was very funny. But um, it's what that's that's a great example. But in my opinion, text for for people who are neurotypical and have a hard time understanding what it's like for somebody who's neurodivergent to talk with somebody who's neurotypical. Texting is the answer. Oh, when you're texting with somebody, you have no tone, no social cues, no body language. You have nothing. Nothing. All you have are the words, what that person says and what you already know about that person.

SPEAKER_00 21:11

Yes. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 21:12

That is what people with autism frequently feel like when they're talking to others. It is a texting conversation. They're picking up on the words you're saying, but they're not getting all the other things. And I'm being incredibly generalistic, right? Because not everybody with autism is that way.

SPEAKER_00 21:31

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 21:31

But it is something that it's just, I think it's a way for those of us who are. I like I pride myself on picking up on the little subtle hints and cues because it's that's I'm I'm a good communicator. Right. You are you are it's something that I'm really good at.

Workplace Communication That Makes Room

SPEAKER_00 21:46

Yes. And you pay attention if you have to be present. To be a big good communicator, you have to be interested, first of all. Exactly. And then truly present for that person. Totally. I'm gonna ask you something. Yeah, you mentioned work. How how would you um how would you address or introduce the the need to learn communication styles between colleagues and coworkers? Like how would you roll that out if you had to? So because it's it's neurodivergent, and it's also that we all have different communication styles too. Yeah. And so have you done that in the past?

SPEAKER_01 22:35

So I I wouldn't say that I have done that in like a a like a large rollout of anything. I have been a part of various teams in which we've had the opportunity to practice that amongst each other as part of team building exercises. So I think that's a really great thing when you have a set team that you frequently work with. You're going to work together, you're going to have problems. And so getting to know each other a lot better, understanding, like, you know, I had it was an issue with a coworker the other day where I was making some jokes that I thought were just funny and not any problem. But I I was able to pick up on the body language the last time I made the joke because I had my my shit got stale. I'd made the joke like three separate times. And the third time I made the joke, um, we were in the same room together and I realized the body language wasn't right. And I was like, I I that didn't land. And so I checked in with my partner um and you know, mentioned to her, hey, this didn't seem to land well with them, um with this other person. And she's like, oh no, that was that's a hot button for them. That was probably why it didn't. And I'm like, oh no, I didn't realize that, right? And so it's just learning, just spending time with people and learning about each other. And and I, and but the thing is, I am not a festerer, I am not a person who avoids conflict, or I went straight at it and I just went up to him and apologized and said, Hey, I just want to let you know I'm so sorry you seemed uncomfortable with that joke that I made. I'm I apologize. That was unprofessional of me. Like, you know, just and please, in the future, and then I always offer requests for feedback. Please, in the future, if I do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or is gonna get in the way of our relationship, just let me know because that is the last thing that I want. So I'm super upfront with people. And I also um when I start meetings, for example, the other thing I do, as you all know and can tell, I'm a talker. Sometimes Angela can't get a word in edge-wise, and that's hard because she's also a talker.

SPEAKER_00 24:37

I'm loving this, I'm loving this, I'm loving this. But when you start meetings, what were you gonna say?

SPEAKER_01 24:41

I still when I start meetings, um, I will often let people know um that I want to hear all the ideas in the room that some and I'll I'll make jokes at my expense. I'll be like, you know, you guys know I love hearing myself talk, you know, or whatever. Sometimes I know I can take all the oxygen in the room, but please, I really want to hear what you have to say. So no idea is a bad idea, like calling those things out, um, especially because I know after having received feedback that I am very, very confident. And when I speak about things that I believe to be true or the right thing to do, I sound incredibly confident. And sometimes I don't leave room for other people to have different viewpoints because I am so confident.

unknown 25:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:30

Right? That makes sense. That makes sense. And I'm not going to lower myself or my energy so that other people feel comfortable. But what I am gonna do is call it out and say, hey guys, and that's the other thing is I'm really excited about this, but I am not married to this idea. I say that all the time. I am not married to this idea. Please, if you've got another idea, I guarantee you there's somebody in this room has a better idea. So let's hear it. Like let's, you know, so it's just giving people the confidence to speak up against somebody else who's also incredibly loud and competent, competent.

SPEAKER_00 26:01

Exactly, exactly. Because there'll be there are people in the room that have great ideas, may have great ideas, but they don't have that confidence to speak up. Yeah. And so you could overshadow them all the time.

unknown 26:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:13

I know I do that. And and that's why that's why I have to call it out because I don't want to be that leader or that person in the room that makes people uncomfortable to speak up.

Key Takeaways And Goodbye

SPEAKER_00 26:22

Yeah. I think it's also important to why it's so important to know, get to know the people that you're working with, and not just working with living with your friends, your circle. Yeah. And and to do that, you have to be present. Yeah. Interested in them, and you have to be present so you can catch all of those, those, those cues. Exactly. Um, and invest in the relationship. Rather, that relationship is friendship, colleagues, partner. That's how you invest in the relationship. Clear, clear is kind. Clear is kind. Yeah. Clear is kind. I'm loving that. Yeah. Okay. All right. Um, so friends and family, as always, live your life on 10. Your 10. Bye bye.