This project was about changing policies for kids with special needs or share what I know to s/v in the ER & remind them people out there care since I had that after mine & I wanted to bury everything in spaces no one could understand, but now, it's better to just be clear. The past is in the past. Now, change the future for others
I started hearing his voice again & getting tight in my neck & almost feel his hands on my... NO. When to write. noW
If you have had a s.a., it stays quite strong, but this is the first time that I've gone to the 3 flashbacks, boom boom boom, in a row & thought, I should write it because I think I'm letting it go. Not mentally. I let it go a long time, but the body remembers.
DBT teaches patient (p/t) to catch either the thought, feeling or behavior. I hear "__ ____ __ ____* , too!" & there were real tears, like heaving. 4 times. Rhythmically, the thought was, this isn't forever, it's about THAT. He's not going to kill me (oh that's good) & then the flashback/imagery (had happened earlier, no idea when) of seeing a face with no tears, head in his hands & the statement, "I want a downgrade," & I said, "what? A divorce?" and he looked up quickly & there was no tears. "My family doesn't believe in divorce." What I said next is why I know Trauma Recovery Center is the best place since right away, just speaking regular without me having to relive or say it aloud, or put it back in the universe, I got it. I don't have to hear myself explain except to the ONLY PEOPLE who NEEDED TO KNOW : the police. They need to take more accurate reporting since they spent more time on covering their butts since I tried to report June 2015 & instead, I got on twitter when the only thing I could say was "roar!" (anger---oh yea) & the words "end ptsd [for everyone, not just some." BOOM
The words, "ultimate trust. You wanted ultimate trust," knowing the word ultimate then was truly, the ultimate, pinnacle, apex, top, nothing higher, better than the ultimate. Now, that word is stricken from my speech. I see it sometimes I writing, but I don't hear it. I never hear it. BOOM
...& the last one, is well, the last one is mine to keep since I only told one person (hello!) & when they did it, the flashback/imagery was what he said in his therapy. I had to attend like watching a toast given under the stairs (& darkness, like the black/back of the jacket of the principal walking away--I was zoomed in, so zoomed out [it happened like wham. I could see the whole thing & knew why I was wearing black. Not depressed. The black was the visual connective thread] & see the big picture & it took years to do that) that I had to also attend since, "no one lets me speak." There's the generalization that if you hear, just know, they're not with you. They're in la la land with they're repeating whatever. Don't care. Just stating it.
The words were & the last time I write or say that, "I throw whatever I know about a person at them until they stop asking questions," when asked about (a) baring the teeth (b) moody face (c) slouched posture, but mostly (a). "I feel like a cornered** animal." That I've never seen before & special educators are behavioralists, duh. If I have to describe this last BOOM, I'm more than willing, but only if it's on paper (like the law) so it helps others & that's the end of that.
*why I am able to do the next podcast. I scattered this all over the universe so s/v/p don't have to relive.
**why I have the Corner Bakery app. It's literally around the corner from NWMH & would see it & relive in addition to other times, but I thought, no way am I going to be controlled [by fear or repeat sensory memories] for the rest of my life.
SmarterThanTrauma™
©SMART E MC
This project was about changing policies for kids with special needs or share what I know to s/v in the ER & remind them people out there care since I had that after mine & I wanted to bury everything in spaces no one could understand, but now, it's better to just be clear. The past is in the past. Now, change the future for others
I started hearing his voice again & getting tight in my neck & almost feel his hands on my... NO. When to write. noW
If you have had a s.a., it stays quite strong, but this is the first time that I've gone to the 3 flashbacks, boom boom boom, in a row & thought, I should write it because I think I'm letting it go. Not mentally. I let it go a long time, but the body remembers.
DBT teaches patient (p/t) to catch either the thought, feeling or behavior. I hear "__ ____ __ ____* , too!" & there were real tears, like heaving. 4 times. Rhythmically, the thought was, this isn't forever, it's about THAT. He's not going to kill me (oh that's good) & then the flashback/imagery (had happened earlier, no idea when) of seeing a face with no tears, head in his hands & the statement, "I want a downgrade," & I said, "what? A divorce?" and he looked up quickly & there was no tears. "My family doesn't believe in divorce." What I said next is why I know Trauma Recovery Center is the best place since right away, just speaking regular without me having to relive or say it aloud, or put it back in the universe, I got it. I don't have to hear myself explain except to the ONLY PEOPLE who NEEDED TO KNOW : the police. They need to take more accurate reporting since they spent more time on covering their butts since I tried to report June 2015 & instead, I got on twitter when the only thing I could say was "roar!" (anger---oh yea) & the words "end ptsd [for everyone, not just some." BOOM
The words, "ultimate trust. You wanted ultimate trust," knowing the word ultimate then was truly, the ultimate, pinnacle, apex, top, nothing higher, better than the ultimate. Now, that word is stricken from my speech. I see it sometimes I writing, but I don't hear it. I never hear it. BOOM
...& the last one, is well, the last one is mine to keep since I only told one person (hello!) & when they did it, the flashback/imagery was what he said in his therapy. I had to attend like watching a toast given under the stairs (& darkness, like the black/back of the jacket of the principal walking away--I was zoomed in, so zoomed out [it happened like wham. I could see the whole thing & knew why I was wearing black. Not depressed. The black was the visual connective thread] & see the big picture & it took years to do that) that I had to also attend since, "no one lets me speak." There's the generalization that if you hear, just know, they're not with you. They're in la la land with they're repeating whatever. Don't care. Just stating it.
The words were & the last time I write or say that, "I throw whatever I know about a person at them until they stop asking questions," when asked about (a) baring the teeth (b) moody face (c) slouched posture, but mostly (a). "I feel like a cornered** animal." That I've never seen before & special educators are behavioralists, duh. If I have to describe this last BOOM, I'm more than willing, but only if it's on paper (like the law) so it helps others & that's the end of that.
*why I am able to do the next podcast. I scattered this all over the universe so s/v/p don't have to relive.
**why I have the Corner Bakery app. It's literally around the corner from NWMH & would see it & relive in addition to other times, but I thought, no way am I going to be controlled [by fear or repeat sensory memories] for the rest of my life.
SmarterThanTrauma™
©SMART E MC