122:How to Get Through December When it's Nothing Like You Imagined

The holidays are supposed to be magical, full of joy, family, and new traditions. But what happens when everything feels off—when all you feel is the gaping hole of what’s missing?

In this episode, I’m getting real about the pressure of the holiday season and how it can feel like the rest of the world is celebrating while you're just trying to survive. Whether your loss was recent or years ago, the holidays tend to shine a blinding light on everything that’s changed.

I share my own story of how I planned for a completely different Christmas—the one where I’d be welcoming twins into the world—and how that fantasy unraveled into heartbreak. This is the episode for you if you’re dreading December, overwhelmed by expectations, or wondering how to get through a season that was supposed to look so different.

We’ll talk about how to honor your baby in ways that feel right to you, how to set boundaries that protect your heart, and why it’s okay if this year looks nothing like the ones before.

You don’t have to perform happiness. You don’t have to fake joy. And you are not broken if all you want is to get through the day.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

• Why the holidays make grief feel even harder
• The pressure to feel "blessed" when you're just surviving
• What to do when you feel resentful, numb, or triggered
• Permission to skip traditions and do things differently
• Small, meaningful ways to honor your baby this season
• How to prepare for emotional landmines and make an exit plan
• Setting boundaries about baby talk, announcements, and more
• The power of communicating your needs with your partner and family

Mentioned in this episode:
Join the free Rebuilding After Loss workshop on Thursday, December 4:
https://navigatingbabyloss.com/workshop

https://navigatingbabyloss.com/workshop

Free workshop for moms grieving stillbirth or pregnancy loss. Learn simple, trauma-informed practices to release guilt, calm the what-ifs, and honor your baby's memory with love instead of pain. Includes bonus Grief & Guilt Release Journal.

Download my FREE "Guilt and Grief Release Journal" at navigatingbabyloss.com/journal

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• Website-  https://www.jennifersenn.com
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Transcript

 Hello and welcome back to Navigating Baby Loss. Today I'm talking about what to do when the holidays look nothing like you imagined. This is such a hard time of the year because the pressure is on this is the time of year when everybody talks about their memories and how amazing it is and how blessed they are

and all of that may be true for you, but you also know there is something very big missing in your life, and so it's very hard to feel blessed and grateful and acknowledge that. This, you know, time of year is just the most joyous time and it might not be for you. It very likely is not for you. So I wanna just acknowledge that all of those things you're thinking and feeling are valid.

They're really normal. It's really okay to be feeling all of those things because I remember my first holiday after my twins, I. Was planning ahead and thinking, I'm gonna have to shop and decorate early, because my due date was right after Christmas and I wanted to be ready just in case, because as twins go, sometimes they're born early.

I really was prepping for this whole. Different season than the one that I got, I just felt lost because not only was every day different than I thought it would be, but every season, every year, it felt like it just was so confusing. I just remember feeling so confused because you are just so out of sorts and you feel so lost because this whole future that you envisioned.

It isn't there. It's completely different now, and you don't know where to start to pick it all up I just remember feeling so frustrated and I know it's not just me that's how I want you to know it's also not just you,

because the moms I work with are saying the same things. It's so confusing. You don't know how to feel. You don't know what to do. The feelings you do have feel not great a lot of the time. you thought that you would be celebrating Maybe at the end of your pregnancy you thought you'd have your baby.

I don't know where you are in this season. Maybe this happened years ago to you, and it still is a really hard time of the year. The holidays are hard for not just grieving moms, but anyone who's grieving, anyone who's had any kind of hardship. It just seems to amplify it,

Found finding yourself right now trying to survive the season when everything feels completely wrong. So today we're gonna talk about the gap between what was the holiday you imagined it was gonna be and the one that's actually a reality for you, and how to just take care of yourself and be really gentle with your feelings and be understanding of how the season is about to go for you.

Because it's coming. It's coming.

The holidays magnify loss of any kind because they're built so deep in tradition and family and all of your future dreams and children especially, and your brain had already created this beautiful, magical picture. About introducing your baby to new people at Christmas who hadn't met them yet, or having your first family photo and introducing them to all of your family traditions, and every message that you see is.

Geared toward children, family, holiday, joy, blessings, and you're feeling a lot of pressure to be festive and you might not feel very festive right now, and that's okay. Grief Really intensifies during the holidays because of the societal expectations versus internal reality for anyone, not even just people who've are grieving a baby or have had some sort of loss.

We all have this fantasy dream of what this Christmas is meant to be, we watch the Hallmark movies and they're so dreamy and joyful very often our reality is not that at all. grief just intensifies those feelings. it's not just that you're sad, it's because the whole world expects you to be joyful and grateful even when your whole world is gone.

   Last year I was working with a mom and she could not even walk into a store. Without breaking down there would always be something, whether it was an item in the store, it was a mom with a baby, there was some gift idea that she thought she'd be doing with her baby and she's not.

And it's just really normal and the feelings that you might be feeling are anger at families who seem to be happy and have it all resentment toward the holiday season itself. Guilt for not being more present. 'cause a lot of times you just feel like you're in a fog, and that is your brain's way of protecting you and keeping you safe because it knows you're hurting.

Some moms skip the holidays entirely. others will go through just feeling completely numb. wherever you are on that spectrum, even if you're feeling nothing, that's okay. There's no right way to grieve during the holidays. here are some steps I recommend to keep in mind as you begin this holiday month.

the first thing I want you to do is give yourself permission to do things differently this year. You don't have to keep every single tradition. It's okay to say no. It's okay to skip things. It's okay to not do things that you normally do. That doesn't mean you can't pick them back up in a year or two if you feel like it, but if this year's just too hard, give yourself permission.

It's okay. I skipped a Christmas Eve gathering. that my twins died because I just couldn't do it. It was too many people, too much noise, and just because you always do something doesn't mean you have to do it. This year, I went back the next year. I've been back every year since, but that one year I needed a break and there was a lot of judgment.

There was some guilting going on. But I didn't care. And I want you to give yourself that too. Create one small way to acknowledge it because just pretending like everything's fine and this is just a normal holiday for you isn't normal, so do something. Do something special. I always love a special ornament on the tree or a special decoration.

maybe a stocking, something really meaningful. it can be public and you can announce it to everyone or not. It can just be private,  but it's really whatever it takes for you not to dwell just in the sadness. have something that brings you a little joy, that brings you something to remember them, and maybe even in the future, can make you smile when you see it.

Communicate to your people what you need. You can start saying things to your family like this year's really hard for me. I might need to do things differently. I might need to step away. I might need you to understand that I am not gonna come to this one event give your partner or someone that's with you permission to tell you when it's time to go

Be an accomplice. When you say it's time, I've gotta go and it's okay to set boundaries about baby talk and pregnancy and announcements It's okay for you to say, you know, I can't do it. If this is, if we're gonna talk about this, I'm not coming. Plan for those moments when the triggers come.

identify what will be the hardest. Is it seeing your cousin's baby? the gift exchange? Christmas morning? where are those hard parts likely to be? have a plan for them, whether you just change it up, change your environment. take a walk, get outta the room, text someone.

maybe you have some jewelry that you go to and look at Just think of something that makes sense. be ready for anything because It's likely to go up and down all season long, you might laugh at something and cry five minutes later.

That's very normal. Joy and grief do exist together, and it's really confusing, but finding moments of peace doesn't mean that you're forgetting your baby.

You are gonna get through the season. It won't be the one that you planned. You will survive it. And because your baby's not there doesn't make your holiday meaningless. It just is an opportunity for you to make your love for them even more visible. And if you're looking for more support as you navigate this new year, this holiday season, I'm hosting a free workshop this Thursday, December 4th, where we're gonna talk all about rebuilding After Loss.

If you're feeling stuck and you're ready to find a path forward that brings your baby with you, not forces you to leave them behind. This workshop is for you. Go to navigating baby loss.com/workshop If you can't make this one, if it's just too soon or you're listening after it happens.

I've got lots of dates coming up where I'll be talking live. You can get on there, live with me, get on with other moms. We can share stories, and I'll teach you the strategies that I know work to release the guilt and the grief that just are so debilitating. I just want you to know you're not alone.

I see you. Your baby matters. The baby's memory matters and. You are going to make it through. I'll see you next time.