124: How to Cope When Family Doesn’t Get Your Grief

The holidays can bring so many mixed emotions after the loss of a baby. While everyone else is decking the halls and expecting you to be “back to normal,” you might be wondering how to get through one more day pretending to be okay.

In this episode, I’m sharing what to do when the people you love — your partner, your family, your friends — just don’t understand the weight you’re carrying. And I’ll give you the words I wish someone had given me in those early days when the comments stung the most.

You’ll hear about the moment my own husband told me to “focus on the positive” just weeks after our twins were stillborn — and how that created a ripple in our relationship I didn’t know how to fix.

If you’re bracing yourself for the comments, the questions, or the awkward silences at family gatherings, this one’s for you. I’m walking you through real examples of how to respond with grace and protect your heart.

Here’s what we’re talking about in this episode:

• What to say when someone tells you to “move on” or “focus on the good”
• Why people say the wrong things — and why it still hurts
• How to respond when your partner avoids talking about the baby
• Setting boundaries during the holidays without guilt
• Finding your “safe circle” when your family isn’t it
• The surprising grief that comes from losing friendships and closeness
• Scripts you can use with your partner, your family, and your friends
• Why it's okay to say “I'm not ready” or “I'm not coming”

If you’ve ever felt invisible in a room full of people… you’re not alone.

This episode will help you find your voice, protect your heart, and navigate the people who don’t know how to hold your grief — even if they love you.

Resources Mentioned:
Free Workshop: www.navigatingbabyloss.com/workshop

https://navigatingbabyloss.com/workshop

Free workshop for moms grieving stillbirth or pregnancy loss. Learn simple, trauma-informed practices to release guilt, calm the what-ifs, and honor your baby's memory with love instead of pain. Includes bonus Grief & Guilt Release Journal.

Download my FREE "Guilt and Grief Release Journal" at navigatingbabyloss.com/journal

WHERE TO FIND AND FOLLOW ME!

• Website-  https://www.jennifersenn.com
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• You Tube-https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCz-2MCEY5PRiF6p6VB_2lxA

Transcript

Today I want to talk about something I’ve been hearing from a lot of moms lately: what to do when the people closest to you just don’t seem to understand your pain.

I’ve gotten so many messages from moms saying how painful this holiday season feels—and how hard it is when their loved ones expect them to be “back to normal.” So if that’s you, this episode is for you.

When I lost my twins—they were stillborn at 32 weeks—it was November. That first Christmas came just weeks after. We were still so fresh in our grief. I had two little boys at the time, ages five and two—such fun ages—and I was trying to piece myself together enough to give them some sort of holiday.

But it was so hard. The holidays were a constant reminder of what we were missing. Of what should’ve been.

And I’ll never forget—my husband said to me, “Try to focus on the positive.”

Now, I know he meant well. And yes, we had so much to be grateful for—those two little boys were our whole world. But I wasn’t feeling it in that moment. I wasn’t ready. His words felt like a dismissal of the very real grief I was carrying.

That comment was a turning point in our relationship. For months afterward, I struggled to understand why he didn’t get it. Why he couldn’t see how deeply I was hurting.

The truth is, people who love us often say the wrong thing. They try to help by pointing out the positives or encouraging us to move on. And while those things might come from love, they can still be deeply hurtful.

Here’s what I want you to know:
 There was never a time I wasn’t grateful. But being grateful doesn’t erase the pain. It doesn’t cancel out what I lost.

My husband, being a medical professional, quickly went into “fix-it” mode. He focused on the medical reasons why it happened, why it might have happened. But I wasn’t in that place. I wasn’t ready for logic or explanations. I needed space to grieve.

So today, I want to offer you something I didn’t have—words you can say. Ways to protect your heart, especially during the holidays, when people around you just don’t understand.

Because here's the truth:
 The people who love you most can also unintentionally hurt you the most. Especially during this season.

They might not understand why you can’t just “move on.” They might wonder why you’re still sad. Why you’re not excited or cheerful. But it goes back to what we were taught as kids—to be grateful for what we have, to not be “ungrateful.”

And when we’re grieving, especially after stillbirth, we’re often made to feel like we’re doing it wrong. Like we’re ungrateful.

Let’s talk about that.

Grief Changes You

There’s a before and after. You are not the same.
 But the people around you? They often expect the old you to show up. Especially during the holidays.

They want the traditions to stay the same. They want the joy, the energy, the sparkle. And when you can’t deliver that, they might say things like:

• “At least you can try again.”
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “Focus on the positive.”

They don’t mean to be cruel—but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It does. Because their discomfort leads them to say things that bypass your pain.

Let me be clear:
You are not being too sensitive. You are being human.
And your grief deserves to be seen, not silenced.

I worked with a mom whose mother-in-law kept asking, “When are you going to give us a grandchild?”

She completely ignored the baby who had already been born and died. The baby that did make her a grandmother.

Another mom I worked with had a partner who completely shut down and refused to talk about the baby—especially during family events. She wanted to say his name, include him in conversations. But her partner wouldn’t allow it.

These things happen all the time. And they hurt.

So here’s what I want to offer you—some gentle scripts and ways to protect yourself during this season:

If someone says something hurtful...

First: You can’t control their responses. You can’t make them understand if they’re not willing to try. Their discomfort is not your responsibility. Let them be uncomfortable.

Second: It’s okay to grieve people who disappoint you.
Baby loss often reveals who’s safe—and who’s not. It’s not just the loss of your baby. It’s also the loss of friends, closeness, and the illusion that people will always show up for you.

Try saying...

To your partner:
 “I need you to acknowledge our baby—especially during the holidays. When you don’t, I feel even more alone.”

To your family:
 “I know you want me to feel better, but comments like ‘moving on’ make it worse. What I need is for you to say my baby’s name and remember them with me.”

To a friend:
 “I’m happy for your pregnancy, but I’m not ready to hear about it right now. I need some space.”

You don’t owe anyone an explanation.

• You don’t have to go to every event.
• You don’t have to stay long.
• You don’t have to answer every question.
• “I’m not discussing this right now” is a complete sentence.

Keep your circle small. Be strategic about who gets access to you. Sometimes, strangers will understand your pain more than your own family—and that’s okay.

Grieve the relationships that changed.

Some of them will heal. Others won’t. Both are hard.
 But your healing doesn’t require their understanding.
 You get to decide who earns access to you.

Protect your relationship with your partner.
 You’re both grieving—often differently.
 Create a signal between you. A “support” vs. “space” sign. Schedule time to talk about your baby in a safe and intentional way.

The people who love you may not always know how to show it. That doesn’t make your grief less real. And it doesn’t make their love less true.

But it does mean that you need support that actually helps.
If you’re ready to find people who do get it—come to my free workshop.

You can go to:
 👉 www.navigatingbabyloss.com/workshop

 Even if the date has passed, the next available one will always be there.

We’ll talk about relationships, trusting yourself, and creating a support system that actually helps—not hurts.

Your baby mattered.
 Your grief matters.
 You are not too sensitive.
 And you are not alone.

Until next time, I’m sending you so much love.