134: What Grandparents Need to Know After Baby Loss

Does your family know how to grieve with you or are they quietly falling apart on their own?

Grandparent grief after stillbirth is one of the most overlooked parts of baby loss. Your parents and in-laws lost a grandchild. They lost the future they imagined for you. And most of the time, nobody is checking in on them while they're trying to figure out how to show up for you without making things worse.

In this episode, I'm talking to both sides the grandparents who are carrying their own grief in silence, and the loss moms who might not realize that the people closest to them are struggling too. With Mother's Day right around the corner, this felt like the right time to open a conversation that could change everything in your family.

What you'll learn:

• Why grandparent grief gets overlooked and why it matters more than you think
• The double loss grandparents carry: grieving their grandchild and grieving for their child
• What not to say to a loss mom (especially if you're her parent)
• The simple things grandparents can do that actually help even when words feel impossible
• Why your adult child might pull away from you, and what it really means
• How in-law dynamics make grandparent grief even more delicate
• One small Mother's Day gesture that can heal or one silence that can break a relationship
• How to tell your parents or in-laws what you actually need from them
• What happens when the baby becomes the thing nobody talks about
• Why sharing this episode might open the door you've been afraid to walk through

Read the full blog post here: 

https://navigatingbabyloss.com/workshop

Free workshop for moms grieving stillbirth or pregnancy loss. Learn simple, trauma-informed practices to release guilt, calm the what-ifs, and honor your baby's memory with love instead of pain. Includes bonus Grief & Guilt Release Journal.

Download my FREE "Guilt and Grief Release Journal" at navigatingbabyloss.com/journal

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Transcript

What I'm going to talk about today is what nobody tells grandparents after a stillbirth loss — and what loss moms need grandparents to know as they are working through this grief and coping. I really wanted to talk about grandparent grief because it's often overlooked, and it's really hard for the grandparents too.

And yet, the single most important thing a grandparent can do is say nothing and just be present for the mom who is in the midst of grieving the loss of her baby. For the moms — understanding that your parents are also grieving too, and they may not know how to show that because they're trying to be strong for you. But it can all open a door back to connection.

So we're going to talk about it because Mother's Day is right around the corner. We are just a few weeks away from Mother's Day, and I know from experience that is one of the hardest, hardest times for moms who are grieving the loss of their baby.

This is a time when the family dynamics around loss get really activated, and when grandparents often don't know what to do or say. It's a time when a loss mom doesn't know if she feels like she is a mother or isn't a mother, and no one's acknowledging her. But people may be afraid to acknowledge her.

So we're going to clear it all up right here and now. Every now and then I'll get a grandma of a baby who wants to have a call with me and talk about how to support — usually it's their daughter, sometimes it's their daughter-in-law. And I love those kinds of conversations because it's a different take on the conversations I normally have, which are with the mom who just can't cope with her grief anymore.

So this was a really interesting conversation, and I noticed something. I've really been thinking about it ever since we were chatting — grandparents really carry their own version of this loss, and almost nobody acknowledges the grandparent of the baby who was lost.

I was thinking back to my own loss experience, and I remember my husband calling my parents from the hospital to tell them what had happened. They happened to be not far from the hospital at that time, so they asked if they could come right over. Of course, come on in. Never gave it a second thought.

But what I do remember going through my mind is that my parents had a stillborn baby. Their baby died at birth, full term. And when I think back to it, I can't imagine what that phone call was like for them. I know my mom said how devastating it is to watch me go through the same thing that she knew so well because she experienced it herself.

So I think it's really interesting to think about how much the grandparents grieve the loss of a baby too. And then my in-laws. My father-in-law really had a hard time with our loss because he was a twin. We had twins who were stillborn at 32 weeks — twin girls. And so my father-in-law was a twin, and I think he was really excited about this whole twin experience that he almost was a part of, except his twin died at birth. I just remember him really struggling with it too.

So I remember their reactions. They were with us every step of the way. And certainly we were all just sad. But I don't know how much I really took into consideration their feelings, their grief during this whole experience, because I had so much grief of my own.

That's really made me think about this a lot. I've spent so many years talking to loss moms, and I've really not talked too much ever about the people who are standing right behind them — watching them hurt and not knowing what to do.

First, I'm talking to you — grandparent of the baby who was just stillborn, miscarried, tragically lost in any way.

I see you. And I acknowledge that maybe someone sent you this episode. Maybe somebody is sending this to you because they've been searching for something — really anything — that talks about and speaks to what they are going through.

So I want to acknowledge to you, grandparent, that your loss is real. You just lost a grandchild. You lost the dream of holding that baby, of watching your baby become a parent — or become a parent again, if there are other children. Maybe this is your first grandchild. And so you're really grieving all of the firsts that you imagined with this magical, sweet child. And it is not small. It's a huge loss, and it really matters.

You're also grieving this version of your child's life. You had this picture of what your child's life was going to look like. They grow up, they find the person of their dreams, they get married, they have a baby. We're going to have these grandkids and we're going to travel with them. We're going to do all the things. All of that got wiped out pretty quickly. That picture is shattered, and that is hard.

So what you're mourning is what your child lost on top of mourning what you lost. And here's the kicker — nobody's checking in on you. Maybe you have a couple of friends or people at work, but nobody's really checking in on you. Everyone is focused on the mom and dad, as they should be. But that often means that your grief gets completely overlooked, and people don't stop to think and ask the grandparents how they are doing.

So that might mean that you feel like you don't have permission to grieve because it wasn't your baby in the way it was theirs. So I'm here to give you permission. Give yourself permission. Allow yourself to be sad. Allow yourself to be angry or confused and guilty. Yes, some grandparents carry guilt too — wondering if they missed something, or if they should have said something, or said something that they shouldn't have. All of those feelings are valid, and you don't have to be strong right now just because you're the parent of the parent. It's really hard.

And another kind of warning — be careful about shouldering too much. Depending on your role in your child's life, you might feel like you need to absorb their pain on top of your own. As a mother, that instinct is we want to make it better for them. We want to take the pain from them. And I am sure that right now you are saying, "Oh, I wish it was me. I wish it had happened to me and not them." But you can't.

And carrying your grief and theirs without any support yourself can be really crushing. So if you need to find someone to talk to — make sure you have a friend, maybe a counselor, a faith leader, your partner — someone who is there just for you, just to hear what it is that you need to say. And you are allowed to say, "I'm struggling too." You're allowed to need some space to cry and to be angry and to miss that baby. Your grief doesn't compete with your child's grief. It lives alongside it. It is equal. Not better or worse, more or less — it's just a different type of grief.

So now I want to talk about the part that's a little trickier. Because I know so many grandparents listening might be thinking, "I don't even care about my own grief right now. Who cares? That's nothing. I just want to help my child."

So let's talk about that — understanding that your child, your adult child, might pull away. Not because they don't love you or need you, but because being around you makes the pain feel bigger. You are a safe person, and as we know, sometimes we take things out on the person that we feel the safest around, or that we love the most. Those are the ones where we can be our real, raw self. And sometimes that looks like taking things out on people.

The loss mom also feels guilty that their loss has caused you pain, and they can't handle that on top of everything else. Or you're the only person they want — everyone else in their life, they just don't want anybody except you. Which puts enormous pressure on you to be their sole source of comfort. And that's really heavy.

So here's what you can do. Are you ready? I'm going to give you a little list of do's and don'ts.

Don't offer advice. Don't say "you can try again." Don't say "at least you have other children." Don't look for reasons why it happened and try to rationalize it. Don't remind them that it happens to a lot of people. Don't try to find the silver lining or the lesson.

None of that helps — especially coming from you, the most core person in their life. They need to feel seen by you, and those words can land harder from a parent than anyone else.

Here's what you can do. You can say, "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to talk if you don't want to, but I'm here." Be willing to sit in silence with them. Be the keeper of the baby's memory. Say the baby's name. Acknowledge the baby as your grandchild. Follow their lead. If they want to talk, listen. If they don't, just be present. If they want to cry, let them cry without trying to stop it or fix it.

Ask them, "What do you need from me right now?" And be okay if the answer is "nothing" or "I don't know." Don't take their withdrawal personally. If they push you away, it's not about you. Grief makes people retreat. Stay close enough that they know you're there, but don't force your way in.

Here's a little note on in-law dynamics. If this is your daughter-in-law who is the loss mom, it might be even a little more delicate. You might be unsure of where your place really is. You might not know how much space to take up or to give them. But the same rules apply. Say less. Show up. Say the baby's name. Follow their lead. Your presence and your willingness to acknowledge the baby as your grandchild means more than you will ever know.

Mother's Day is coming up, and I want to land on something that I think can make a real difference in your family — whether you're the grandparent listening or the loss mom.

For the grandparent — consider how you acknowledge Mother's Day for your daughter or daughter-in-law this year. She is a mother, even if she doesn't have a baby in her arms. And that recognition from you, of all people, means the world. A small little gift or something personal that remembers the baby — a piece of jewelry or something with the baby's name or birthstone, a card that mentions the baby's name — it lets her know that she is a mother. Even just the words: "You are a mother. I see that. Your baby is my grandchild. I will never forget them." That kind of acknowledgment can be the thing that heals. Or the absence of it can sometimes be the thing that breaks the relationship.

Now I'm speaking to the loss mom. If your parents or in-laws haven't acknowledged your baby the way you need them to, it might not be because they don't care. It might be because they don't know how. They might be terrified of making it worse. They might think that not bringing it up is protecting you.

If you have the energy, consider telling them what you need. "I need you to say their name. I need you to remember him on Mother's Day. I need you to treat me like a mother, because I am one." And if you don't have the energy for that conversation, that's okay too. You don't owe anyone an education in your grief.

The thing that mostly damages relationships after a loss is when the baby's not acknowledged or remembered by family. It's really hurtful when the baby becomes the thing nobody talks about. Everybody talks about everything except the baby that's not here. This kind of silence causes deep and lasting hurt, and it can often create a fracture between loss moms and their parents that can take years — if ever — to repair.

My prayer is that this episode might be a bridge. And if you can't find the words yourself, share this with someone else in your life. Let it say the thing that you can't, because sometimes that's all you need to do is open that door.

If you are a grandparent listening to this, I see you. Your grief matters. Your grandchild matters. And the fact that you're here trying to figure out how to help tells me everything about the kind of person you are.

And if you are the loss mom who is sharing this with someone you love — I am so proud of you for asking for what you need. It takes so much courage, and it tells me how much you believe in that relationship.

If you are a mom who has been carrying this kind of pain — the grief and the guilt, feeling like nobody really gets it — I have a free workshop I'm doing that goes deeper into this. It's called Practical Ways to Release Guilt and Navigate Grief After Baby Loss. I will put the link in the show notes.

And if you're in a place where you're thinking that you might want more support, whether that's coaching or community, you can go to navigatingbabyloss.com and fill out the form to learn more about working with me. No pressure. It's just there if you're ready, if that's the next step for you.

So if you know a grandparent, a mother-in-law, a parent, or anyone who needs to hear this — share this episode with them. It might open a conversation that changes everything.

And until then, I am sending you so much love.