138: Am I Still a Mom? The Question Every Stillbirth Mom Asks

You are a mother. Full stop.

If you've ever hesitated when someone asks how many kids you have… if you've sat at a baby shower feeling like a fraud… if you've questioned whether you really get to claim the word "mother" - this episode is for you.

Your baby made you a mother. Loss didn't change that. Time doesn't change that. Silence from the people around you doesn't change that. And this is the episode to keep in your back pocket for the days when you need someone to remind you.

What you'll learn:

• Why you became a mother the moment you saw that positive pregnancy test — and nothing has taken that away
• How to answer those impossible doctor's office questions without it breaking you open every single time
• What to do when a friend says "just wait until you're a mother…" and you feel the floor drop out
• Why the guilt around claiming your motherhood is so common — and why you don't have to carry it
• How to honor your motherhood on Mother's Day in small, real ways that feel like yours
• Why saying your baby's name out loud is one of the most motherly things you can do
• The truth about what motherhood actually is — and why it was never about logistics in the first place
• Why you don't need anyone's permission to claim the mother you already are

Read the full blog post here: https://navigatingbabyloss.com/post/still-a-mother-after-stillbirth-138

https://navigatingbabyloss.com/workshop

Free workshop for moms grieving stillbirth or pregnancy loss. Learn simple, trauma-informed practices to release guilt, calm the what-ifs, and honor your baby's memory with love instead of pain. Includes bonus Grief & Guilt Release Journal.

Download my FREE "Guilt and Grief Release Journal" at navigatingbabyloss.com/journal

WHERE TO FIND AND FOLLOW ME!

• Website-  https://www.jennifersenn.com
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Transcript

I need to say something to you, and I need you to hear it. You are a mother. You've been a mother. Your baby made you a mother, and nothing — not loss, not time, not silence — nothing changes that.

This might be an episode that you need to come back to from time to time. So keep this one in your back pocket, because this might be just what you need on those hard days.

I hear these kinds of questions all the time from moms, and they are the defining ones. Am I a mother? I'm not sure if I'm a mother. How many kids do I really have? People ask me all the time if I have children, and I'm not sure what to say. This is always a conflict, and it's really not. To me, that's like telling an adoptive mother that she's really not a mother because she did not give actual live birth to the child that she has. It's no different. When you love a child in your heart, you are a mother.

When you have a baby loss, you lose the identity of the mom who has a baby. Or for me, it was the mom of twins, or the mom of four kids. You do lose that, but you never lose your motherhood.

We've been told this lie for our whole lives, really, that you can only be a mother when you have a living child in your arms. And lots of people still believe that, as you know. That if your baby isn't here, it really doesn't count. Only moms who have babies or children that are living are actual mothers. And we'll even let them be mothers if their children died later on, but really never before they were actually born. Our society doesn't recognize that lots of times as motherhood. And they're well-meaning. And we know how wrong this is, because it is so ingrained in us to want to be mothers. You become a mother the minute that you see that positive pregnancy test. I really believe that.

The moments when you question your motherhood is when you're at the doctor's office for every appointment, every year, for the rest of your entire life, when they ask you, how many pregnancies did you have? How many live births did you have? And it makes you face it all over again. Then the friend who says, oh, you just wait until you're a mother and you have to stay up all night long and the baby's crying. Or, just wait when you become a mom someday. Or the baby showers that feel completely like a fraud, because you know that the things sitting on that table inside of those gift packages are not the things that are important to have a baby. That that baby just needs to be born safe, healthy, and alive. These are all real things that we face all the time.

And what motherhood actually is — it's not about logistics. It's just about this baby that you loved, and the baby that you made plans for, and the baby that you bought things for, and the baby that you dreamed about this future for. You went through labor, more than likely, or a C-section. Some sort of delivery. Every bit of it. Your body knows motherhood. Your heart knows motherhood.

And some moms that I talk to feel really guilty about saying, well, I'm really not a mother. I'm not really a mother because I don't have a live child. Which feels like you're taking something away from moms who have living children, and you're not. It is the same thing.

Lots of other moms feel guilty because it means sitting in the pain of what was lost. Other moms feel guilty because actually saying it and claiming it means you also have to face the fact that it's not your reality. It was your dream. It was almost here, but it's no longer your reality. So however you're thinking about it, just know that you get to do your motherhood however you want. You get to be the kind of mother that you dream of being, whether your child is alive or not.

Your baby made you a mother, and you are still one. You didn't stop being a mother when your baby died. You became a mother who carries her child in a different way. You have your baby in your heart, not in your arms. In your memory, instead of in their crib at home. But no matter what, you're always a mother.

So when these days hit — and they do — we've got a really hard one coming right up. But when this day comes, I want you to honor your motherhood, however it looks for you. Say your baby's name out loud. Buy a cake and write their name on it. Go to Starbucks and order a coffee in your baby's name. Whatever it is, create some small thing that lets you know, I am a mom. My baby might not be here, but I am still a mom, and I still matter, and my baby matters.

Reclaim what's here. Don't let other people's ideas of motherhood cloud your reality. You are a mother. Not almost. Not I was, but I'm not now. Nothing like that. 100%, you are a mother. And your baby's life mattered, no matter how short it was. It makes it true, and nothing can take that away. You don't need permission from anyone else to claim that identity. Healing will never erase your motherhood. In fact, it honors it.

So if no one else says this to you today — happy Mother's Day. You are a mother. You deserve to be celebrated. Because your baby is so loved, and so are you.

If you're ready for someone to walk beside you through this — if you've tried therapy, you've tried the books, you've tried the groups, and nothing really seems to be hitting it right — send me a message. I have a program called Finding Peace where I walk with you step by step and help you learn strategies to carry it all the way through. They're ones that actually work, because I've done it myself. I've walked hundreds of women through this, and I know that you deserve to heal in a way that honors you as well as your baby.

Until next time, I am sending you so much love.