Ever been afraid that someone you love will abandon you, or felt guilty about taking time for yourself?
Our guest, Clerissa from South Africa, knows these feelings all too well. Join us as she shares her deeply personal story of dealing with ingrained trauma, struggling with fears, and learning to recognize her emotional cues.
In the latter part of our coaching session, we transition towards a more hopeful path, discussing resilience, joy, and the power of community. Hear from Clerissa how mistakes can be stepping stones in strengthening relationships and fostering resilience, especially in children.
Creative activities can be a helpful release and a potent reset button.
Remember, there's no 'right' way to self-care.
Witness Clerissa's journey towards healing assisted by our podcast and the supportive community she has found in Kingdom Mother's Rise Up and others.
Feeling alone? It doesn't have to be that way. Join us, share your story, and be a part of our community.
If you would like to listen to part 1 of Clerissa's session you can listen here:
75: Navigating Trauma Recovery and Emotional Management in Parenting (Coaching Session Part 1)
Heart Doodling with Jesus is a monthly membership with live workshops and practical tools for growing spiritually and emotionally mature.
Music by Romarecord1973 from Pixabay
Discipling mothers to disciple generations
Kingdom Mothers Rise Up is here for you. There is encouragement and practical steps to improve your relationship with yourself, God, and your child.
I'd love to connect with you. You can find me at:
Ever been afraid that someone you love will abandon you, or felt guilty about taking time for yourself?
Our guest, Clerissa from South Africa, knows these feelings all too well. Join us as she shares her deeply personal story of dealing with ingrained trauma, struggling with fears, and learning to recognize her emotional cues.
In the latter part of our coaching session, we transition towards a more hopeful path, discussing resilience, joy, and the power of community. Hear from Clerissa how mistakes can be stepping stones in strengthening relationships and fostering resilience, especially in children.
Creative activities can be a helpful release and a potent reset button.
Remember, there's no 'right' way to self-care.
Witness Clerissa's journey towards healing assisted by our podcast and the supportive community she has found in Kingdom Mother's Rise Up and others.
Feeling alone? It doesn't have to be that way. Join us, share your story, and be a part of our community.
If you would like to listen to part 1 of Clerissa's session you can listen here:
75: Navigating Trauma Recovery and Emotional Management in Parenting (Coaching Session Part 1)
Heart Doodling with Jesus is a monthly membership with live workshops and practical tools for growing spiritually and emotionally mature.
Music by Romarecord1973 from Pixabay
Discipling mothers to disciple generations
Kingdom Mothers Rise Up is here for you. There is encouragement and practical steps to improve your relationship with yourself, God, and your child.
I'd love to connect with you. You can find me at:
Today's episode is part two of a coaching session with Clarissa from South Africa, so if you didn't catch the first half, you can listen to last week's episode. I'll put the link below And just hope that you enjoy experiencing the behind the scenes aspect of what a coaching call with me can be like, and also to be able to gain the nuggets and insights that are applicable to you out of her coaching session as well.
Speaker 2:I'm doing the emotions thing is because I'm trying to pick up on the cues before we get to that point, so that I can take a break, like like when I'm on a scale from one to ten I'm at a three or a four I can say, okay, listen five minutes or ten minutes and then move away, But currently it's from naught to ten in split of a second. So how do I train myself to pick up on those cues a little better?
Speaker 1:Lots of patience and grace And to start with, like for a practice, it is just lots of patience and grace for yourself, like, treat yourself like you would treat your best friend. And to begin with, like you're not. You're not going to catch it at a three, it's going to be. It hit the 10 and here's the mess. So, after that, go back and reflect what was happening before, that you can see in that, and just take that time to reflect, because you'll start to see things that are like oh, that's the indicator, this is the thing that's at the two or the three or the seven.
Speaker 1:No, though, reflecting afterwards would be like what happened? Where were things going before? it was too late, and that'll help bring your awareness of like oh, i really can't stand when they roll their eyes at me. I really can't handle. You know, like, they were kind of being rowdy at breakfast, but I brushed it off and then we went to the next thing. And you know, like, it'll just help. You see, looking back helps to bring that awareness. For then, as you practice your awareness to be like oh, i recognize this, i need to do something now, even if it's inconvenient, doesn't feel like I have time, i can at least be like oh Jesus, help me.
Speaker 2:But that makes a lot of sense because I tend to brush off small things, like, as you say, they're rowdy at breakfast or they are rowdy early in the morning, and then I'm like, okay, you know what I still have to. Then I'm like still in my good mind And then, like at two o'clock I start getting exhausted because my head's running And then then I start exploding. But if I go back and at the beginning of like the first rowdiness I addressed it, then I could maybe extend my patience. Left with an hour.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and if you know that, okay, by about two o'clock or you know whatever, what's something you could do to kind of give yourself a reset in the middle of the day, Like whether that's you know they go read for a half hour and you journal for a half hour, or you put on some worship music, or you know, like what are some things you could do to reset? and even, like, stop and evaluate And maybe that's a lunchtime thing Everybody evaluate, like where are you at with these different things And can what do we do to reset so we have a good afternoon.
Speaker 2:Yes that does make. That does make sense. How do I reset without feeling as if I'm abandoning my kids to take time for myself?
Speaker 1:Are you abandoning your kids to take time for yourself?
Speaker 2:No, i'm not, They conclude, because they are still with me in the same space. They are, i'm near them, they, they're not alone, so with me it's. It's really really hard to even. Where my boys are is like they can be like 10 paces away, like just there. But in my head I'm running around with everything that can go wrong because I'm not in that same room with them. My boys have actually been sleeping with me in the same room for a while until recently, and then Jennifer was catching you how to get them out of my room because of my trauma. They were thinking to me So they knew there was something, that they know there's something wrong with mom And that anxiousness was rubbing off on me.
Speaker 2:So big times were a real issue. So in my head, like with with seeing everything that can go wrong, I'm having trouble to take time and do something that I want without feeling guilty about it or thinking that I am not using my time correctly. I can do it better. I am constantly afraid of letting people around me down and not doing enough And all of that again starts another cycle. That's just going round and round.
Speaker 2:But I'm afraid, like I've got the best husband in the world that would not do anything to harm me or my kids, like he's God send. I told him the other day that if there was no other evidence that there's a God in the universe, the fact that he's my husband and he's still with me that's evidence more than enough. Like I'm afraid that he will come home and he will flip because I didn't sweep the floors or I didn't, or there's the dishes in the sink, or like I'm afraid she will up and leave, which is insane. But my trauma goes so deep that it that, even like my husband and I have been together now for almost 20 years that even in that constant state of safety with him, it's still I'm still afraid of that abandonment and that being alone And that's rubbing off on the boys.
Speaker 2:And when I get and that's one of the main things why I get so overwhelmed And I'm afraid of leaving them for too long Or I don't want to take a time away from them is I want to be there when they need me. So I've made myself constantly available to them because I'm afraid if I am not available and I've taken time away from them and I've set a boundary that they will portray that as abandonment or as mommy not being there, and that's that's basically one of the main things for being there for them all the time is not wanting them to feel as if they're abandoned or that they're alone, and yeah, which totally makes sense based on your background that you have you know what, as an adult, we would maybe call an irrational fear of abandonment.
Speaker 1:So that's, you know, sounds like the work you're doing with Jennifer to kind of overcome that and like heal that part, so you're not living in constant fear of being abandoned.
Speaker 1:And then the other part is, as you heal and as you gain capacity to be able to see that you're human, you're going to make mistakes.
Speaker 1:There might be times that your kids feel abandoned or rejected by you, but the fact that you're not leaving them or abandoning them gives you the opportunity to talk through those feelings and experiences with them and actually strengthen your relationship. So when you make mistakes and you come back and say I made a mistake, or, like their kids, they can interpret things. However, even as adults, we interpret things in ways they didn't actually happen, But that still gives you an opportunity to talk through that and hear their experience and be able to say, oh, i see that you felt abandoned when this happened And once they feel heard to be like here's what was really going on, and so you're actually building resiliency and skills in them to be able to process these feelings compared to reality, where your reality was different. You really were abandoned over and over and over and over again. I guess just a way to practice putting that fear out like it's okay that you make mistakes. It's actually opportunity to build relationship and resiliency in your kids.
Speaker 2:Yes, definitely I need to. I definitely will have to focus on seeing my mistakes more as opportunities than beating myself up for the mistakes that I make with them, Because it is helping them in the long run, which I never had. Resetting myself during the day will definitely also like help me to do something like prolong my patience level a little. Yeah definitely, but resetting during the day and getting myself out of that frazzled hole. What can I do in order to get myself out of that frazzledness, back into a sense of calm?
Speaker 1:Because the tapping doesn't work and the breathing What brings you joy or peace, or like worship, music, journaling your conversations with the Lord. They're crocheting. Does anything come to mind?
Speaker 2:Today, i got frustrated with my crochet Because of a lot of other influence in my life. I'm even afraid of listening to any type of crocheting music, whether it's good or bad. I've had influence of people that like even my Bible, like did you get the correct translation? I don't know if you know people like that, like you have to do it, like this, like legalistic people, and so it's really hard for me to listen to something, or even read a book, without like feeling judged, even if no one else is judging me. Like I can open my book and I'm like why are people going to think when I'm reading this, is this appropriate for me to be doing this?
Speaker 2:There's a lot of drumming in this song, you know. I don't know if this is more rock and roll-ish than Christian. Am I supposed to be listening to this? It's really hard for me to distinguish and trust my own decisions, and currently I have no idea what brings me joy, because I'm constantly in fear mode. The stuff that I do enjoy doing, though, is I like making things, and I like giving things new life. I like coloring and painting, and stuff like that. Artsy, artsy, craftsy things is what I like most. I think it's a good text.
Speaker 1:It doesn't take as much mental energy to color a picture, and it's good to be creative and it's good to blow down, and it's also freedom to just experiment, because that's how you're going to start learning to trust yourself Of going. Oh, i feel like, i feel like coloring and try it And then like, well, yeah, that was good, or yeah, because, like when you're talking about doing crafty things and creating whatever, like I relate to that That if I'm like, oh, i'm going to do this project to reset, i'm going to work on it for a little bit, i could actually be setting myself up for more trouble if it's a project I can't finish in 30 minutes, because then I just want to keep doing it instead, you know. So, like picking, i'm going to color for 30 minutes, or I'm going to, um, i draw and then paint it with watercolor and I just do super simple. You know I call them heart doodles. So that's a super powerful way that I reset frequently is I draw like what I'm feeling, or what I'm thinking about, and then, paint it.
Speaker 1:So there's that process of slowing down and kind of checking in with myself, like that could be an intentional thing, like the journaling of, you know, writing to the Lord how you feel and asking him what he thinks about that or what he thinks about you or what do you like about me today. You know, what do I need right now? And it also could be like I'm just going to sit in color. There's not necessarily a right answer, which is kind of what it sounds like how you've been programmed to. There's always a right answer And what the Lord told me through I don't remember now who it was for sure, but they're like God put Adam and Eve in the garden with all kinds, hundreds, maybe thousands of good choices.
Speaker 1:There was only one bad choice And our legalistic religion has flipped that around to there's one good choice and all these bad choices. That's not how God designed it. There are lots and lots of good choices And really very few bad choices, because if your heart is His, you're not longing after those bad things. So whether you color, or whether you read your Bible or journal or take a 30 minute nap or take a walk or like, they're all good choices, there's not a right, you know. And again, like your reset, some days maybe it needs to be alone, but doesn't necessarily. Like maybe you and your boys go for a walk, maybe you go sit in a chair and they run, you know, like it doesn't have to be, like I can't be with you, like maybe you all sit down in color, or you know, when my kids were little, we would all sit down and ask God a question And I would journal about it.
Speaker 2:And if they could journal or draw or whatever, depending on their age, and we just all did it together, i think that will also help me train myself to be more present within those moments, because that's an intentional moment, it's not just a fly by moment. It's something that that's really intentional, it's something that we're going to do together. So I think I should just maybe go and do a list of of things that like what can I do to reset What, what? what amount of time does this take to reset, and what amount of time does that this take? And then, depending on your on my day, obviously go pick from that list. Like this takes, i can listen to a podcast for 15 minutes, or I can color in, for I've got half an hour to reset, or I can have 10 minutes, so what can I fit into that? That's not going to have me pick myself up over 10 minutes. That's a starting point.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and as I would imagine you're learning with your promise stuff, like it's just a little, a little shift and a little adjustment, because you're already too overwhelmed to try and change a whole bunch of stuff.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, i've tried that.
Speaker 1:So just picking, you know, like, if you want to start with the midday reset And you know, making that list of things to try.
Speaker 2:I think maybe if it's even just taking a break she to read, listen to a Bible verse or something, one thing that that does help a lot is like getting it out of notice that if I just talk, talk it out, even in with one of my friends or something, talking it out helps. Usually, when I'm talking it out, i give myself the answers, which is ridiculous.
Speaker 1:It's not.
Speaker 2:it's how God made us The answers are in there, but we don't know it until we get them out.
Speaker 2:Like five minutes ago I could have used this. Then it's like, oh great, no, you told me So. Um, no, maybe just just the journal. I'm definitely going to get myself a journal that I'm going to carry around with me so that I can I can drop that down and treat it as if I am on a call with God and just telling him listen, this is what's going on, and then making that list like what is, and asking him like what can I do to be set and putting my trust in him to make my decisions. I think that that's a good, good starting place because he, at the end, he wants what's good for us, because he loves us. He's been really good to me lately. He's been.
Speaker 2:He's been really really opening doors for me to get the help that I need and and and try to hear and start healing and seeing him in a different light because of the trauma and and and everything I can.
Speaker 2:I've seen God my whole life as this tyrant and someone that needs to be feared, so I've always had a fear of him. A fear of praying, because you can say the wrong thing, the fear of opening the Bible and learning something, because as soon as you know it, you can be held accountable for it and then you can be punished for it. And now, with the work that I'm doing with Jennifer and the mom conference and everything I've, i've really started seeing him in a different light. I'm focusing on our friendship instead of the father-daughter relationship, because the example that I had of what a father should be was not what God intended at all, and so he's been. He's been really opening a lot of doors and a lot of ways for me in order to trust him, or because I don't trust, i did not trust him. I'm still not 100% there. We're working on that, mm-hmm, but it's a working progress. Trust is, as it's, something that that takes time to, and luckily he's he's got a lot of patience.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so say he's totally good with it.
Speaker 2:However long it takes, she's not bothered at all he's got patience to share, yes, so that that's a good thing, but I think, my mainly, i should just put my focus on him, and then I can always reach out to you guys on the, on the groups, and finish listening to all your podcasts. That and that helps. And and I did not know that there was a community like this out there before I made I made Jennifer, and Jennifer introduced me to the I am mom conference and then from there, i was listening to the speakers and now I'm talking to you and and God has made a way for me to be able to talk to Sasha. So there's there's so many things that he is he's accumulating and he knows what I need and he's sending those people to help me, which is amazing.
Speaker 2:And some and I think that's maybe his way of saying, hey, you can trust me, like I'm helping you in this moment, because I know a while back I told him like I think I need you to show up, like really, like I'm struggling with all these things, like I can't, i can't cope with my kids, i can't do this, i can't.
Speaker 2:All of this is too much and I need you to show up. I need you to show me that you're in my corner and he's showing up his he's definitely he's not doing it the way that I thought he would and his way is is a good way. So definitely journaling and talking to him more is on top of my, my reset list. I think that's definitely something that I can focus on. And then when I get everything out, it won't fix that inside and then it would just flow more evenly and I can get clarity on and see my triggers. Because if you can see what is going to happen or you can figure out, but if I can figure out what my triggers are, then yeah, then you're not more prepared to deal with them and Yeah, I'm remembering that, like it's a process.
Speaker 1:So some days you're going to catch those triggers and some days you're not. But like over time, A month from now, six months from now, like you'd be able to look and be like, oh I've, you know I was catching myself after the fact And now, two months down the road, I'm catching myself at seven and even sometimes at a three. And you know, Six months from now, I'm pretty much catching it at. You know the four and five and you know like keeps getting better instead of the like I'm not going to be triggered anymore. I'm not going to overreact or react anymore. Unfortunately you are. But it comes down to training myself.
Speaker 1:Again, Some circles they use the term re-parenting. Like you're, you're literally needing to do for yourself and allowing others and the Lord to do for you what your parents Should have done when you were young, Like they should have trained you Of how to manage your emotions and they should not have trained you that your identity and worth was attached to how well you performed, and They should not have trained you that you needed to be on your best behavior. You might be abandoned or you know all of that stuff. So now it's really showing up for yourself, with the Lord, to do it differently.
Speaker 2:Definitely. I've definitely been taking notes and The re-parenting is actually very difficult because But also not because I've done a mind mindset shift. I'm actually doing a thing with the boys About emotions. I think it's hopeful hurting kids or something, but it's a free resource that you can get and then it tells you what type of emotions, what's the, what does this word actually mean And where do you feel the emotion? and I'm like, but I can do this with them. I didn't in the beginning because, like it's for kids, but technically I'm healing my, my kid, i'm retraining my child in order to be a grown up.
Speaker 2:When you've been through trauma and you've been through emotional neglect, you're kind of in limbo, like you're you're grown up, but you're not grown up because you're not. You've never like emotionally matured And And that's why I think I also struggle with my depression and my anxiety is because, like that limbo situation. So I need to start from scratch in order to help me deal with with those things. And The doodling and stuff will help Because you need to draw like in that, you need to draw how's when, if I'm angry, what does my face look like, what is my house, my what's, what does my body look like And what does my insights feel like? So, and that's making you aware of what's happening within yourself and what makes you feel that way and what doesn't. So going on with that and then journaling that down will make a huge difference.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it makes a huge difference. I'm excited that you feel like you have a starting point. I appreciate you Allowing me to share this on the podcast. I think be a blessing to other moms.
Speaker 2:I feel that he is calling me to to heal, because I have a lot of stuff that I can teach people after I've healed. Yes, and now, with you guys helping me, it's, it's amazing. It's like I'm not feeling alone anymore. So that's, that's amazing. And when I'm sharing on the groups, i don't feel judged. It's not like that. you know, some of the groups like you have those judgmental groups and it's not like that. So I really, really appreciate you guys and thank you very much for your time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, thank you so much. It was great talking to you. I want to thank Clarissa again for being brave enough to share this coaching session on the podcast so that if you are interested in doing a session for the podcast, that you can reach out to me in the link below.