84: When You Know the Story the Behavior Makes Sense

Have you ever considered the impact of personal stories on understanding behavior?

This podcast episode takes a deep dive into this fascinating concept. By looking at life experiences and the narratives you weave around them, you learn why you respond the way you do and how you can develop a deeper level of empathy. As you unpack the layers of your past experiences, you also reveal the potential for healthier interactions and improved relationships. 

In this journey of introspection, you also touch upon the power of compassion and self-reflection. Learn how a simple shift in your reactions can nurture a more empathetic environment. 

It's a comforting thought that God, being privy to our entire story, remains patient with me, even when I stumble. 

 Tune in and join me in fostering a greater understanding and compassionate approach towards ourselves and others.

Discipling mothers to disciple generations

Kingdom Mothers Rise Up is here for you. There is encouragement and practical steps to improve your relationship with yourself, God, and your child.

I'd love to connect with you. You can find me at:

• email me: contact@mukkovejohnson.com
• Diamonds & Pearls Sharecast
• I often refer to HeartDoodling with Jesus. Learn more here.
• Learn how God communicates with you in Transformational Quiet Times.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:14

This episode of the Kingdom Mothers Rise Up podcast is coming to you from my greenhouse. I am out here harvesting basil and just thought I might as well try and share my thoughts from here. So I've been thinking a lot about the idea that when I know someone's story, the whole story, then their behavior makes sense. And like people hurt us and things are hard, and it can be easy to take that stuff personally, like they're just being mean or difficult or whatever it is, and easy to think like I just can't see why. You know, why would somebody do that? You know, why would somebody treat me that way? Why would somebody think that of me? And it just keep coming back to this place of if I knew the whole story, like the whole whole story, their behavior would make sense. So, and I don't know, like I think I do this in small ways, like with bad drivers, you know just be like, oh, they must be in a hurry, they're having a bad day, like that benefited the doubt that if I knew the whole story, their behavior would make sense. Like maybe things are really bad at home or maybe they just got in a fight or whatever. But for people that am in relationship with too, to be like no, if I knew the whole story, like if I knew how they grew up, if I knew how they were supported or not supported in growing up, if I knew how emotions were dealt with, if I knew just you know the family story. What did it look like when somebody was upset with you in their house growing up? Or you know what happened when you expressed a differing opinion, or you know whatever.

Speaker 1: 2:44

It is that our current situation so often make us feel like past situations. They remind us of things that have happened before, and so many of those things that happened before happened when we were too young to advocate for ourselves, when we were too young to have the skills that we needed, when, like, even if we did try to advocate for ourselves, like there was an adult or a bigger person that got their way instead. And so we get in situations in our current life that feel similar, and so it makes sense, when you know that backstory, to be like oh, they were in a similar situation and they were shut down for this or this, was shamed, or they were told you know this is sinful, or you know whatever it was, and so, oh, it makes sense that they're responding this way. They grew up in a home where you weren't supposed to need anything, because that wasn't spiritual enough, it wasn't, it was being selfish to need things. Or it was just demonstrated that, like the parents are already maxed out because of their own whether that's money issues or health issues or relationships or whatever it is but like it just is not okay to have needs. And that might not have been spoken, that might have just been demonstrated.

Speaker 1: 4:33

But if that's the case and then they're, you know, being difficult or having a bad day or whatever, and you're like what do you need? And they don't respond well to that, it's like, well, how do you not respond well to that? I'm asking you what you need, I'm being supportive here, I'm trying to help. But if you know the whole story of they don't know what they need because they've been shutting that down and ignoring that for five, 10, 30 years, then it makes sense that they're not responding well to being asked for what they need. And it's not. I don't have to take that personally. I can just realize like, oh right, you don't know what you need. So me asking is actually just highlighting to you that like, oh great, they're already seeing that like I'm having issues and they want to know what I need and I can't even tell them and can just start this whole shame cycle and everything all over again.

Speaker 1: 5:44

And it's not that you shouldn't ask people what they need, but if you're in relationship with someone like that, or if that's true, for you to realize, oh okay, maybe there's a different question or maybe there's another way to look at that, to say, okay, I want to know what you need, but maybe instead I could ask what would feel like for you to get a win here, or what would it take for you to feel heard right now? Or even just asking can you tell me what you're experiencing right now? Can you share the thoughts that you're having right now? What are you hearing? That's a question I use with my daughter a lot to bring that awareness, because not all thoughts are our thoughts and so you know what are you hearing.

Speaker 1: 6:43

If you're agitated, you're probably not hearing from the Lord. But what are you hearing? And being given a space to voice that without shame or condemnation of? Well, that's not true, but just to be able to like, okay, that's legitimate, that's what you're hearing. And now I know a little more of the story. So if that's what you're hearing, it would make sense that you're responding the way that you're responding, and now that we see that, then we can have more conversation about, like you know, is that accurate? Is it true? Do you want to agree with that?

Speaker 1: 7:18

But when we keep it inside, we often don't recognize it, and so then it's hard to determine what we're partnering with or what we're listening to, because it's just all in our head and we haven't taken the time to really look at it or to think about who's talking or what we're hearing is just I'm feeling, you know, feeling like I'm in trouble or feeling like you're upset with me, or these things that I don't want to be feeling. And often when we get stuck in like I'm just feeling, like I don't want to be feeling, that can come with the idea of it being somebody else's fault and we want them to fix it, and so we're waiting for the other person to fix it, when there may not be anything for them to fix. It might be from your own story, and so I guess like I've been thinking about that a lot too If I can have that compassion for other people that like if I knew the whole story, then their behavior would make sense. To be able to do that for myself as well, that like, okay, if I consider the whole story, if I look at everything I'm dealing with and my history and my family and current things, if I look at the whole picture, then does my behavior make sense. And that helps me to have more compassion for myself and also to go okay.

Speaker 1: 8:54

So if I take the whole thing into consideration, then what do I need to do different here for myself so that this can feel different and I can respond different for myself so I can support myself in a more healthy way? And this also helped me in thinking, because I can still struggle at times with like how can God love me? I make so many mistakes and I feel like such a mess sometimes. And just him reminding me that he knows the whole story and since he knows the whole story, my struggles and all of that makes sense to him, like he's not surprised that I'm struggling with what I'm struggling with, or that I'm thinking the things I'm thinking, or that I fail in the ways that I fail. He gets it. He knows the whole story and he's patient with the whole story.

Speaker 1: 9:59

So I just wanted to share those thoughts with you, to have greater compassion for yourself, for other people in your life, to know that when you know the whole story, then the behavior makes sense. So let me know of a relationship where, when you think about the whole story, the behavior makes sense, and I'll see you in the next episode, which, by the way, will be on the one-year anniversary of Kingdom Mother's Rise Up podcast launching. So that's pretty cool and I wanted to celebrate, but I didn't make a plan. So now the plan is I'm going to celebrate 100 episodes, which will probably be coming in September. So if you have ideas on how you could celebrate with me and what you think would be fun, I would love to hear those too.