I sat down at a coffee shop to write without the distractions of home and child.
I immediately felt like crying.
This is a very familiar experience for me. I slow down and I feel like crying. Over the years this has led to me paying attention to my tears. They come for many reasons. Sad, mad, happy, overwhelmed in good or bad ways, sensing God’s presence, and being weary from going too much.
The last one was the reason today.
I’ve been slowing down physically and in my expectations of how much I can get done ( and getting more done). Slowing down to pay attention to how I am feeling and why,,, not so much. Taking the pressure off of trying to say the right thing in the right way… not so much either.
Instead of diving into writing, which was the purpose of this time because I have put off writing twice already this week, I pulled out my sketchbook to sort out the tears.
I’m glad I did.
I drew a big teardrop and wrote the word regret.
I asked what regret was.
At least for today it was grief over what could have been. I could have more clarity. I could have this writing done. I could feel like I know what I’m doing. I could…
As I wrote it I was reminded of the times in the Chronicles of Narnia when Lucy asked Aslan about what would have happened. He responds that she doesn’t get to know what would have happened. She can obey and find out what will happen.
Regret was grieving what I imagined could have happened.
Now it’s time to obey, to move, and find out what will happen.
This was a good revelation and insight. At times I would have left it at that.
However it was not actionable. There was no practical way I was going to apply it and make a change to intentionally move toward what I want to happen.
In the past this would have led to the urge and pressure to create a detailed plan for all the things I want to have happen.
I still felt the urge.
I also had the reminder that doing a simple thing everyday has gotten me more progress and more peace in managing my home.
I’m trying to apply this to my spiritual and mental health as well.
I’m still experimenting with exactly what that looks like. I know it means slowing down. It means changing my thinking from a project mentality to a small steps mentality.
There is a temptation to listen to the bullying voice telling me I should have that already. God’s been talking to me about the importance and impact of small steps for almost 3 years.
I don’t need to bully myself.
I don’t need to let the devil bully me either.
I don’t need to stay in what could have been.
I move into what will be.
I will change.
I will learn.
I will see the goodness of God in the land of the living.
Is there an area you have been experiencing regret?
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The other day I went to a coffee shop and I sat down to write like I had my space to work. I was still like crying, like why, why am I feeling this? As I drew the big teardrop I felt like like oh, this is regret, like I regret Lots of other regrets, coming up and realized that I was looking at regret and the way I was experiencing regret right then was grieving what could have been. And the Lord, you know, kind of pricked me in my spirit on that and he's like it's only what you're imagining could have been, because we have our plans. We think, oh, if I'd only done this, this would have gone better, and those are often reasonable deductions. But like we have no guarantee that had we done this or that differently, things would have turned out differently, guaranteed that we're not in control of that. So we're in this place of regret, grieving what we think would have happened, how we think things could have been had we done things differently, had other people done things differently, whatever, and we don't know that for sure. And the Lord reminded me of in the Chronicles of Narnia, where Lucy asks Aslan like, oh, so what would have happened? And he says, dear one, you don't get to know that. He gets to know that. But what will happen? That's the focus, it's just my paraphrase, where he's telling her like you don't get to sit in that place of like, oh well, it could have been like this and it would have been like that. And if only he's like no, you don't get to be there, but you do get to move forward into what will be. And so that really helped me shift to see.
Speaker 1:
Regret isn't a place to wallow. It's not a place to sit in. That condemnation and accusation of if I'd only known this, if I would have done that, if I'd only followed my intuition, if I'd only spoke up, if I hadn't spoke up, like all of those if onlys and should'ves and could'ves and would'ves, the Lord's like. That's not the place to stay. It's a place to recognize what you wish would have been and let that inform how you're going to move forward. And I never know about never, but I didn't really have the house that can inform me to move forward. I just had the let's beat myself up for the mistakes, and obviously that's not helpful. It's not helpful to just beat ourselves up for the mistakes. Mistakes are to learn from and I did not grow up in an environment where mistakes were to learn from. Mistakes were just bad. Mistakes were failure in my interpretation of the world and my experiences Learning to see.
Speaker 1:
If I regret something. Let's actually look at some of my specific regrets, because, starting off like I was at the coffee shop to write an email that should have already been written, and so one of those was regretting or grieving how much I could have already had done and grieving that I couldn't do something different with this time. So instead of beating myself up for that, how do I move forward better with that information? Part of what I saw is that I need to have uninterrupted time to write, and in my life right now, that means while my daughter is in classes in the afternoon, I have two hours that are like they're not always completely free of interruption, but they're free of interruption of things I'm responsible for. Because I was leaving the coffee shop, I'm like I got a lot done and I was surrounded by noise and people and so like, what's the deal? And thinking through that of like okay, well, like I need a space at home to work, I'm like, no, I already have that, but the problem is the interruptions and even the idea that I can be interrupted at any time, which obviously like I could be interrupted at any time at the coffee shop too, like whoever's watching my daughter, like something could happen and they could need to get a hold of me, or something could happen with you know parents or other kids or whatever. So like there's always that possibility. But if you're a mom, you know it's different. When you're home you just can be needed for something at any time. There's some urgent question or somebody's suddenly hungry, or they fall down or you know whatever. There's just a different level of being on call, kind of at home, than out in public or like somebody else is being responsible for these other things in my life. I can just be responsible for this one piece right now.
Speaker 1:
So recognizing it's not having the time set aside, it's having the time set aside that's free from interruptions and that that's what I need. Then I need to make better use of those hours when she's in school and I've had seasons where I've done fabulous with that, like I wrote unstuck pretty much while she was at school and did most of the pictures while she was there and, you know, went really well. And then I've had other seasons where I can just not be being very productive and letting myself be distracted of things that aren't important. So recognizing again I need this time, I have this time, so digging into was keeping me from using that well. Or you know what do I need? To set myself up to use that time well so I don't have this regret again in future.
Speaker 1:
Another doodle I did. It's just covered with tears and it was regret again, regret of not getting help sooner. But then you can also see down at the bottom there's these little plants that are growing and growing and growing, and then they mature to a harvest and she's carrying sheaves of wheat. That's how they harvest the grain. So as I'm sitting this with, like okay, I'm feeling regret again. What's something specific I'm regretting in this moment? And the regret was not getting help sooner. So if I regret not getting help sooner, instead of staying in a place of being myself up for not getting help sooner and how different things could have been and how much better it would have been and all those things I could imagine, I can just make sure I'm getting the help I need now. So that regret helps inform me and helps me move forward into better and into what I need.
Speaker 1:
And as I was sitting with the Lord like I don't want to feel this way and I don't know what I need, he told me to release it and feelings are not a sentence. So like, yes, I feel overwhelmed and sad and defeated, but that's, it's not a sentence. Like feeling the regret is in the sentence that I just get to sit here and wallow in regret for the rest of my life. Feelings are meant to come and give their information and then move on. So if regret or condemnation or whatever has been hanging around too much, it's been experiencing it over the same thing or the same types of things over and over again. You're not getting the message or you're not willing to act on the message so that that can move on and make your life better. So after he said feelings are not a sentence, he said move, which of course he's been telling me with the whole unstuck thing. Like you're not stuck. Move, learn, grow. And then he brought to mind the verse Psalm 126, 5 through 6,.
Speaker 1:
Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping carrying the seed to sow will return with songs of joy carrying seeds. So just just the tears doesn't produce the harvest. It's the moving, going ahead and sowing in the tears. Going ahead and taking that seed out and planting it anyway, in the midst of the tears, in the midst of their great regret and what could have been what you wanted to be. All of that, there's the promise you will return, you will reap. That's harvesting, that's bringing in the fruit of whatever work you did. And so, if they're carrying sheaves, they went out and they planted grain, they planted barley wheat, whatever it was they planted, even though I guess I would have to go back and like research, some historical context or whatever, like maybe there's been drought, maybe the enemies have been attacking and wiping out their fields, whatever is going on, there was weeping, but they went ahead and sowed anyway. They went out and planted those seeds and the Lord promises they will reap with songs of joy. There will be that joy and celebration.
Speaker 1:
What I planted grew healthy, it grew to maturity and now I have an abundance to bring in, because when you plant one seed grain, it doesn't just grow one more seed, it grows the stock, and on the stock is multiple seeds. And again, I didn't research my grain, so I don't know how many seeds, but Jesus talks about like sowing the harvest and reaping 30, 60, even a hundred fold. And you know like. You know more, like if planted potatoes. If you plant a potato or a chunk of a potato that's big enough to grow a potato plant, it just can be a really small piece of potato. I don't know how much it weighs, but then you'll get at least a pound of potatoes off that plant from that one little thing that you planted. So the things that you're doing might seem really small and this is just hitting me like he's been talking to me about the significance of small things and small steps and changes and adjustments for two and a half, three years. That seed is so small compared to what it produces.
Speaker 1:
So doing the small things that seem insignificant and don't seem worthwhile and you don't feel like doing because you're weeping there's the tears Knowing that he promises not only will there be a harvest but you'll be harvesting songs of joy. Thankfully, we can sing songs of joy and reap at the same time. We can plant and we can harvest at the same time because things overlap and flow in different seasons and and all of that. So it's felt like that was a beautiful picture of how like we can have the regret, but it's bringing us information about what to do to change the harvest. It's what do we do to bring those songs of joy? And part of it is that we can sing songs of joy as we're sowing, in tears, because we have the promise that the harvest is coming, so we can sing songs of joy in anticipation of what's coming, as well as being able to sing songs of joy while we're reaping and carrying in the harvest.
Speaker 1:
So I want to challenge you with that to look at regret differently. It's not a sentence, it's not for condemnation, and I asked on Facebook you know what people thought of when they heard the word regret? And there was a lot of shame and guilt. And that's okay if the shame and the guilt helps you move forward better. If the shame and guilt is just beating you up and you're allowing it to tell you how bad you are and what a failure you are, how you've screwed up, how you're not enough, then you're not getting the right message, because the Lord gave us those emotions to give us messages that help us move forward, to be more like Jesus, to get closer to that harvest that he promised us. And if you need help to listen to the regret differently.
Speaker 1:
The heart doodling is a super powerful way for me to do that. There's free workshops here in the group that introduce you to heart doodling. There's the heart doodling with Jesus membership, where I do a live workshop every month and you can always just ask questions. I had a lovely lady, sennie a doodle, just a couple days ago. She's like I finally tried this and it was so helpful, so calming, and she had drawn herself with these bundles or rocks stacked up on her back of all these things she was carrying and then the Lord gave her the picture of being free in Christ and so standing upright and taking up space and you know, the load is gone because Jesus bore that for us and just such a beautiful capturing of that transformation of.
Speaker 1:
We can walk under that regret of all the things that we've done wrong and think would have turned out differently. Or we can see right, I need to take more responsibility here or actually need to take less responsibility here, because that's somebody else's responsibility and I can move forward differently and let that regret go, because now I got the message and figured out what I need so that I can do things differently. I feel like I can hear people, yeah, but like my regrets over what I did with my kids when they were little. I get it. I have adult children and there are definitely things that I regret from how I parented them and taking the time to let that regret inform me of what I want to do different with them now, because, thankfully, I'm still in relationship with all of them now, and also with my grandkids that are here and coming of. How do I need to relate to you? What do I need to do different with you so I don't have those same regrets again? And that doesn't mean that I'm not gonna look back at my parents and be like I did everything great. Nothing to regret there. No, there's still regret there, but that regret doesn't need to beat me up. That regret just serves as a reminder of how important it is to me To grow and to keep doing things differently.
Speaker 1:
Thanks for being here. I would love to hear your insights or questions. I feel like the Lord is showing me a lot more on this topic of regret, so I'll keep digging into it and when I feel like I have things that'll be helpful to you, we'll be sharing them. If there's other things you're like could you dig into this please this doesn't make any sense to me into how relating with the Lord or how am I supposed to teach this to my kids, or anything like that. You can always let me know. Thanks for being here. I'm praying for all of you and we'll see you in the group.