Coaching Kids: Emotions, Thoughts, Truth, Holy Spirit - Episode 133

Mentioned in this episode: Transformational Quiet Times, self-paced course

Listen to Your Emotions, Don't Let Them Drive - Episode 132 

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Learning to listen to your emotions and recognize your thoughts is key to maturity. This episode answers some common questions about starting this practice with your children. Even if you are not a parent, you can use the same process yourself. It is simple and effective with practice or guidance.

You can listen to an example of me using this process with my daughter in the episode linked above.

Questions answered:

How do I know what questions to ask?

What if they say they aren’t hearing anything?

What if they don’t want to talk?

How do you know they aren’t sharing the real issue?

What if I’m new to listening to God?

Emotions are overwhelming. How do I stay calm and engaged?

I'd love to connect with you!

• Find community in Healing Generations
•  Learn how God communicates with you in Transformational Quiet Times

Transcript

Catch The Overreaction Early

Speaker 0:00

When you see yourself or your child overreacting to a situation, being more upset than you need to be, more afraid, more angry, just more distressed than you need to be about a situation, you can ask them some questions. Ask yourself these questions to be able to come to a place of understanding what your emotions are trying to tell you, but then also making wise choices and spirit-led choices out of that situation. So when you recognize it, you can ask what you're feeling, what you're thinking. It's super, super helpful to write them down, to make pictures if there's images that come when you think of how you're feeling and thinking Because then once it's captured on paper, taking the thoughts captive, putting them on paper, when they're captive, you can question them. Are they true? Are they coming from the Lord? Do they align with who you want to be and who God says you are? If they don't, then you can ask the Lord what you need to do about them. When you've taken the thoughts captive, then you can bring them to the Lord and say, "What do I do with these?" And he can walk you through one by one, what do you do with these A lot of teaching will just say like, "You see that's a lie, so find a truth in scripture and, you know, write down the lie and write down the truth." And that is helpful However, if the lie is rooted in an emotional wound It will be a really long process to get that truth and that scripture to replace that lie that's, that has a place that it's growing in your heart. So that's why we wanna bring it to the Lord and say, "What do I need here?" Because you might need to experience His love and compassion there. You might need to, repent or forgive so that you can receive His love and His healing there When those wounded places in your heart are healed, then it is much easier to think thoughts that are in alignment with the scripture and not have to battle to think them. But there are times that you still will battle and you have to choose to think in alignment with God's Word instead of how you feel or the lies you've believed in the past In today's episode, I want

Take Thoughts Captive With God

Speaker 2:46

to answer some listener questions about dealing with the real issue. Um, I've talked a lot of episodes about how the thing that we think is the problem often isn't actually the problem, and I see that in myself as well as in my children. So I have some listener questions about how to deal with that with your children when you sense that the issue that they're presenting isn't really what's going on. There's a different reason for the behavior that you're seeing. How to bring in what I'm teaching of listening to emotions and listening to the Lord, To coach your children through those kind of situations. And while you don't need to be a mother to benefit from this, I think it's helpful to listen to it as, like, how simple we can make it to deal with children, because it's that simple to do for ourselves as well. So it might help you, um, be able to practice it with yourself if you're seeing, like, you can even do this with, with kids. So in the episode titled Listen to Your Emotions So Don't Let Them Drive, I gave an example of my daughter being upset and not

Questions That Help Kids Open Up

Speaker 4:19

wanting to go to bed or being upset she couldn't go to sleep, but then finding out she was really upset about something else. And so one of the reader questions was, "How do I even know what questions to ask?" when we're trying to find out like what are they feeling? What are the thoughts that they're hearing? And those are the questions I ask. But if you've never asked your child those questions before, it might take a little more than that. Like I've been practicing with my daughter for years. So when she was younger, being able to say I could ask her what she was feeling, what she was thinking, what thoughts she was hearing, and sometimes she'd have an answer, sometimes she wouldn't. And so it was helpful to ask her if how she was feeling was a picture, what would it look like? And sometimes she would describe the picture to me, and sometimes she would draw the picture And, I mean, it's just kids. It's just simple stick figures and things, and then they can talk to you about it and tell you what's going on. I can resist apologizing and being wrong, even though I know I'm not perfect and often need to apologize. But that feeling of not wanting to be wrong or admit fault or weakness or whatever it is can still be pretty strong. So seeing the pictures where she feels like the weight of the world is on her shoulders, or she feels like there's a wall between us that she can't get through or around stirs a lot more compassion for me than her using words to describe how she feels. There's just something more disarming about it, I think. So learning what questions to ask starts with where are you at already? Do you have the vocabulary and the culture of talking about emotions and that being an okay thing to do? Or is that a new skill set that you need to build of practicing being aware of what you're feeling and how to appropriately express those things? If you don't already have the habit and the vocabulary of talking about emotions, then you can start by helping them identify when you see that they're frustrated, just naming it, or when you see that they're really excited. You can talk about the emotions you see in the stories that you read or videos that you watch so that they start, um, building that vocabulary. And you can talk about your own emotions. You can talk about how you feel in your body when you feel different emotions and Help them to see what's going on in their own bodies when they feel different things. The butterflies in the stomach, the hot ears, the hot cheeks, the twisted tummy, the clenched fists, whatever those things are. You can help to build those, that vocabulary I wrote down a list of questions. Um, how are you feeling right now? What are you hearing? What are you thinking? Are any of those things lies? And identifying the lies is again a practice thing. Like, they might know in their spirit right away, like, "Yeah, that's a lie. That's not true. It's not something God would say." But it might take practice of asking, "Well, what does God think about your thoughts and feelings? Is there anyone you need to forgive? Do you need to repent for that?" And again, talking through what forgiveness is and what repentance is are all things that are just part of training children and they're conversations that happen over and over and over again question is what is the truth and what does God want to do another question was, well, what if they say they aren't hearing anything? If you haven't listened to any of the other episodes where I've talked about this, is we want to identify what we're feeling because the emotions matter. They have important information. And then we also need to identify the thoughts,

When They Say “I Don’t Know”

Speaker 9:04

both the thoughts that we're thinking and the thoughts that we're hearing, because we make behavior choices out of what we're thinking, and what we're thinking is based in what we're feeling at a deep level. And we don't have to act out of our feelings, but if we're not aware of the thoughts that those feelings are making us think, then we're more likely to act out of those feelings So I wanna ask what they're thinking as well as what they're hearing And at the moment I can't really remember, like she seemed to just know what I was talking about. And sometimes I would offer things that was like, "Are you thinking this? Are you, you know, you thinking you're gonna be in trouble? Are you, you know, mad at me? Um, are you disappointed about something?" And some of those questions are like based on their day, you know kind of what's going on. Um, another part of like having those right questions to ask is being able to hear Holy Spirit for yourself and be, you internally asking him those questions of like, where do I go next? Or what's going on here? Um, so when asking what they're thinking, they might just want to say they don't know, and if you ask what they're hearing, they might say the same thing. So you can offer suggestions that you feel are reasonable. Um, you also can just go another direction because I don't want there to be this pressure of like, "I know you heard something," or, "I know you're... Like, you have to be thinking something." You can offer some suggestions, or you can try the idea of like, "Well, if how you're feeling right now was a picture, what would it be?" And as they talk about the picture, there's probably some thoughts that will come out as well. But you don't ever want it to be like a pressure to perform that you have to come up with something. They might not feel heard or seen or validated in their emotions. So it might be hard for them to tune into the thoughts if they're feeling upset or unsafe, like they're gonna be in trouble, or they're just still too angry about what happened or whatever. That could be making it hard for them to tune into the thoughts. So making sure that you have validated how they're feeling, that they agree that you understand what they're feeling could be helpful to quiet those emotions so that they can pay more attention to the thoughts Another question is, what if they don't want to talk? That's a good place to press into Holy Spirit and ask your child what they need to feel safe, to feel loved And again, with young kids, you

Helping A Child Feel Safe

Speaker 12:16

probably know the situation, so you might have an inkling like maybe they need to know they're not gonna get in trouble no matter what they tell you. Maybe they need to know that you're not going to get upset Maybe they need to know that they're loved. Maybe they need that emotional validation So listening, asking Holy Spirit for yourself what they need and listening to if there's something that they need so that they're more willing to talk. Or again, like maybe it would be easier for them to draw a picture first because it just feels so overwhelming And like I've given my daughter permission to say like, "There's something I have to tell you, but I'm afraid you're gonna be upset," or, "I'm afraid I'm gonna be in trouble," or whatever it is, so that I can be extra diligent to stay calm and non-reactive when she tells me whatever it is. Like that's our deal. If she's really afraid of my reaction, she can just tell me that so that I can be sure to manage my reaction better Uh, another question is, how do you know when they aren't sharing the real issue? And first of all, I would say they don't know that they're not sharing the real issue. So it's not a matter of being deceptive and trying to hide from you what's really going on It's

Signs You Missed The Real Issue

Speaker 13:48

the enemy does the same thing to us. He gets us distracted and focused on something that isn't the real issue, because if he can keep us chasing things that aren't the real issue, then he can continue to hide and manipulate in the real issue. So don't see them as manipulative and deceptive and whatever. Like they're dealing with the same stuff you're dealing with It's easier to be mad at someone else than to focus on where they might need to change. Or it's easier to think of things to complain about instead of being vulnerable. Those kinds of things. But how do you know that they're not sharing the real issue is for one, if you've addressed the issue and it doesn't seem to have changed their countenance at all because like if they're sad and frustrated about something, they should be able to be comforted and return to joy If they were mad at someone and you walked through forgiveness, like there should be a change in their countenance. And if there's not a change or if it quickly returns back to the distressed state when you started, then you weren't dealing with the real issue. And sometimes you have to go through a few things before you figure that out. Like I said, I've been practicing with my daughter for years, and I would say probably like 75% of the time now I'll catch right away that like, "Oh, that's not the real issue." But there's other times that we go through three or four before I'm like, "Oh, right. We're not actually dealing with the real issue here. Let's pull back and deal with the real issue." If you are dealing with what they're presenting to you and it's not solving it, then you're not dealing with the real issue. Another indication that they're not telling you about the real issue is if their emotional reaction doesn't match what they're telling you. So sometimes they're complaining about something that you're like, "Okay, even from a child's perspective, I'm not seeing how this is a level eight reaction to what seems to be a level four or five..." You know, to me it's like a level one issue, but okay, to a child maybe it's a four or five issue, but you're still having a level eight reaction. So I don't think that's what's actually going on here. Um, and that's also, like I said, a great indicator for yourself when you're seeing, like, "Maybe I'm not dealing with the real issue myself," is if your emotional reaction doesn't fit the situation, if you're having a level eight reaction to a level four issue An activity that you can do for practicing, like listening to the thoughts and emotions is have your kids, and you can do this along with them, draw a great big heart on a piece of paper and then have them fill the heart with the way they're feeling, with the way they're seeing themselves right then. And you can talk about that, what's in there. Hopefully, there's a mixture

The Heart Drawing Identity Exercise

Speaker 17:00

of some happy things and, you know, things they're excited about, but there might be some sad things or some mad parts, depending on what is going on, and you can talk to them about those things. And then it's super fun and powerful to flip the paper over, get another piece of paper, draw another heart, and ask God to show them how He sees their heart, and have them draw that. And to see how he sees maybe the sad parts or the mad parts and just like that identity and again, spending time with him so it's transformational to see his perspective Start practicing being aware of God's voice. How he communicates with you is not always like words. Sometimes it is pictures or feelings or impressions like mother's intuition I firmly believe is Holy Spirit speaking to your spirit And that's part of how you will know what questions to ask and what direction to go and what your kids need And getting your own needs met is so important to be able to show up to meet your kids' needs. And that's like this last question is, "Emotions are overwhelming. How do I stay calm and engaged?" So if you, if your kids' emotions are overwhelming to you,

Staying Calm When Emotions Overflow

Speaker 18:36

that's a good indicator that you could use some help in learning to regulate your own emotions being able to get the messages that they have for you, being able to let your spirit be in charge more than your emotions.

Speaker 2 18:58

When you are ready to get to the real issue in your own life in the gentlest way possible, schedule a call with me so we can talk about where you wanna go, where you are right now, and the path I see forward for you. I

Coaching Invitation And Closing

Speaker 2 19:13

will listen to your story and design a path forward just for you. There's no curriculum to work through or a timeframe to meet. You likely have a good idea of what you need to do, You're ready for someone to show you how to apply it to your life I've done hundreds of hours of coaching with dozens of clients, written four books, and produced over a hundred and thirty podcast episodes. I'm passionate about helping women discover the cause behind the obvious problem and giving them practical tools to remedy the problem once it's revealed. This passion comes from the longing I had for so many years as I was trying to grow and change myself. I found most Christian teaching for change focused on the behavior or the thoughts and often ignored the events and the emotions that created the thoughts and behaviors. In my work, we listen to the heart and follow Holy Spirit. There is no trying to perform our way into God's presence or favor. We are already there, and nothing we can do removes us from His love. Remember that your healing heals generations, and I'll see you next time