Decoding Attachment Styles
I talk about the push and pull and the anxious spiral that so many of us have experienced in one or more relationships. I've had my share of these experiences and I learned to heal my anxious attachment.
On this podcast I share everything I know from text books, to observations and my personal research on the topic as I live and breathe it.
As a kid, I got into trouble for asking why questions. It was considered rude to question an adult but I always wanted the reasoning behind what was being asked or expected me, and how the world and the people in it worked. It's helped me over the decades pick up some interesting things about people with different attachment styles.
The first thing I noticed was - and this is how I imagined it - everyone got a script on how to be for their own survival. And there are four scripts - Anxious, Dismissive and Fearful avoidant, and the Secure attached.
There is a particular way they behave, interact, speak, solve problems, write a text, walk, sit, eat, gain success or never do...and when you see it you won't be able to unseen it.
I'm sharing everything I know and if you find this topic fascinating, or you just need to understand why your partner, parent, sibling, friend or whomever act in ways you just can't understand - welcome.
Decoding Attachment Styles
How Secure Attached Breakup with Avoidant
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Secure attached people don't beg or chase when an avoidant wants to breakup. They also know when to call it quits...and in this episode - that is what we are discussing.
We will discuss...
- a secure attached timeline to a deciding a breakup,
- how they communicate breaking up
- what they heal during breakup
- how they respond when avoidant circles back
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Hello and welcome to Decoding Attachment Styles. Today we're talking about what happens when a secure attached person ends a relationship with an avoidant, and I can promise you it looks nothing like an anxious attached breakup. If you're joining me for the first time, I'm Annalisa Bahadour, and I help you to decode the attachment style so that you could have a healthier and more fulfilling relationship with someone who doesn't quite share your likes and dislikes or doesn't speak the same love language as you do. And today's topic, we're talking about when someone wants to end a relationship, what it should look like. What is the healthy version of breaking up? And what we find is that the anxious attached has a very different way of going about a breakup. You probably want to be more securely attached, and this podcast episode is going to give you the know-how. And then you could just practice that. Now, the difference between an anxious attached person and a secure attached person ending a relationship is the anxious attached person will say, I can't do this anymore, but they keep doing it. When a secure attached person ends the relationship, they say, This isn't working for me, and they actually mean it and they walk away. Now, if you haven't hit the subscribe button as yet, I would encourage you to do that so that when new episodes pop out, you will be the first to get them. First, let's talk about why secure attached people leave. A secure attached person is not going to leave just because they don't like a simple thing. They leave when they feel like the avoidant attached person's patterns are not improving. They feel when their needs are not being met, this is a good time to leave. They've spoken up and there is no follow-through. They feel like they're not getting anywhere in this relationship, no matter how much they communicate, what their needs are, what their expectations are, that's a time for them to leave. They leave when they feel like communication is poor and it doesn't improve. They leave when they feel like effort is one-sided and they just can't keep giving and giving, and they know that, but they don't leave when an avoidant attached person says or communicates their need for space. When I talk about space, I'm not talking about a week or two or three or just disappearing. When an emotionally healed, avoidant attached person needs space, they're going to say, hey, I'm feeling a little dysregulated, I feel a little overwhelmed right now, I need a few hours, or I need a day to just de-stress. When someone's leaving for days and weeks and months, that is not taking space. That is them checking out of the relationship or showing you that the relationship isn't as important as they're saying. A secure attached person will also leave if they feel, or won't leave if they feel like their partner, their avoidant partner needs constant affirmation. That would not be a reason to leave. However, they will have a conversation about it because a secure attached person is not going to constantly validate their partner. If something's happening and they feel like this is that person's issue, what I'm saying is that they're not going to take everything personally. So these are not reasons for them to leave. If their partner needs space and communicates that, if their partner needs confirmation, affirmation, or validation, that's not a reason for them to leave. They're not going to leave if their partner needs to feel independent or autonomy. They respect that every individual is still an individual, even in a relationship, and they don't take things personally. Now, what does the timeline look like when a secure attached person is thinking of leaving the relationship? The process looks like this. Month one to three, they think, let me give this some space and see how the relationship develops. Now, this is not in every relationship. There's some relationships where the secure attached person will notice that their partner is, or a potential partner, is really being inconsistent, inconsiderate, disrespectful, you know, breadcrumbing. These are relationships that they can end within a month. Talking about relationships here, one to three months, where it's like things are happening, they're they're noticing patterns they don't really like, but they talk about it and then they're noticing change or at least some effort. So in that time, they'll say, you know what? A month within a month or three, let me see how this works out. Let me see if the relationship develops. Month four to six, they start to think, you know what, if the patterns are still kind of there, but this person's making an effort, let me have a clear conversation. Let me let me set my expectations as clearly as I possibly could. By month seven or nine, it's shaky, efforts are being made. Looks like it's heading in the right direction, but it's still not where the secure attached person wants it to be. They're going to be thinking around seven to nine months. I've set my boundaries. Let's see if this can be honored. I've spoken up. These are heavy boundaries for me now. Month 10, they start to think nothing's really changed. I have to leave. Now, I know we tend to think that a secure attached person sees something, they don't like it, and they're gone. No, they don't have that cancel culture mindset. They don't drop and run every time something gets uncomfortable. These are people who know that we're all different individuals and we show up differently. It doesn't mean that it's a horrible person. Sometimes it takes a while to adjust to each other to get to know the other person, what the other person likes and doesn't like. But there are cases where some people are unwilling to learn about their partner's patterns and needs and accommodate in the relationship or compromise or show up with equal effort. And because of that, it takes a little while to get to know people, get to, you know, you give them a chance to show up for you. So secure attached people don't just drop and run. When we just, you know, shut people off that quickly without having some really solid evidence in the first month or so that this relationship's not going to go anywhere. Those are the people who drop and run are either anxious attached who wants things to move at the pace they want it to, and that's usually fast-paced relationships, or the avoidant attached person who isn't getting the kind of validation that they need, or they're getting too close to the person too fast and they run away. A secure attached person will take their time giving a relationship a chance to develop if they see that it's a relationship that can possibly develop. Now, what are warning signs to notice and what makes a secure attached person start considering leaving this relationship? If the avoidant attached person promises to communicate better and doesn't, if the cycles of closeness and distance stay the same, if emotional availability never increases, so they're just not present, they're not making plans, they're unable to have deeper conversation, everything just stays surface level. If plans keep getting canceled, that does not work the first or the first time they'll talk about it. The second time they bring it back to attention, and then they will not wait the third time, they'll just get about their lives. It doesn't mean they end a relationship, but you've just proven to be unreliable. And so they're not going to sit around and wait for you to show up. They're going to go ahead and make plans with you. And if you make last-minute plans, they'll say something like, I'm sorry, I've been waiting, or I didn't hear from you, and I went ahead and I made my plans. They're going to consider leaving for sure if there's any bread crumbing instead of consistency. So if you have a habit of saying, Yeah, let's meet up sometime, but you never really plan, or yeah, it would be really nice to see you, but there are no plans, or just texting and no call to meet up, that's a reason for them to walk away because they're what they're seeing is that you're not showing any interest. They are also very weary of dating people who are not doing any healing work, no growth, no change, no therapy. They know that patterns will not change unless the person takes active effort in changing. What they will generally do, and this is after being in a relationship for a few months, they're going to try to have a conversation. The first attempt is going to look or sound something like this. I need more consistency in our communication. Can we work on that? They use we word to bring together, you know, a shared interest. Both of you are working on this together. It's a project for both of you, a relationship where both of you will benefit. The second attempt is going to sound like this pattern is still happening. I really need to see some change. That is almost a hidden threat. It's a way of saying, hey, I'm pointing this out. And if I do walk out on this relationship, if I have to end this relationship, then I've covered my tracks. I've told you. I've already mentioned to you. If there is a third attempt, and this is rarely the case, because they generally just give one or two chances. That's it. If they're the you they need to have a third conversation, it's going to sound like this. I've asked for this multiple times, and I see little effort or no effort. And when they say multiple times, they're not talking about 10, 15 times of asking for the same thing. They mean twice. That's it. Because they don't talk much. They know if they communicate what they're feeling, and the other person is unable to show up for them as they need, they're going to see that in their actions and nothing more. They don't need a person to talk, they need they need to see movement. Here are some things that a secure attached person will not do. A secure attached person will refuse to keep having the same conversation. They're not going to beg for respect. That is a given. That is a that is a known basic. We are supposed to respect each other when we want or we say or we need a healthy, happy relationship. And this is across the board. This isn't just for partners. We must respect each other. And they're not going to beg for it because they already know innately that this is something that they should have. They're not going to just listen to promises and words. They want to see action. They are not going to sacrifice themselves or their needs indefinitely. They're going to compromise, but they're not sacrificing. They're not going to wait for someone to be ready. If they meet you and you don't seem to be ready, they're not sitting around waiting for you to wake up, waiting for you to get to therapy, waiting for you to realize, nothing of the sort. They know you're not ready right now, and this is who they're dealing with right now. They're not dealing with who you might be in a few months or a year. So that's something that they refuse to do. Wait for someone to be ready. They're definitely not going to stay in a situation where they're the only ones making an effort, an effort to meet up, an effort to talk, to text, to show care, to show consideration, to move the relationship. It has got to be a two-way street. They're not going to make excuses for your lack of growth. If you're not growing, if you're not going to therapy, if you're not working on your healing, then that's just what it is. They're going to see it for what it is and call it for what it is. Regardless of past traumas, whatever you've gone through, they can appreciate it and empathize with it, but they could say, that is not my problem to fix. They expect you to dig into yourself, find strength, and do the work on you. And they're not sitting around. These are not people who are going to compromise what they need in their life right now and their future for whatever it is that you've gone through. It doesn't mean that they don't care about what you've gone through. It's just that they're seeing it for what it is. Kind of like if you have a car and you need to go to a mechanic, someone comes to you and says, Yeah, you know, I've been meaning to do this thing. I've been meaning to go to mechanic school. You're not going to sit around and wait for them to decide to go to school so they could fix your car, right? You get up and you find somebody who's ready right now to get the car fixed. Same as them. They want a relationship that's healthy, that's going to move. They probably want to have kids. They want to build travel. If you're not ready for that, they know you're not in alignment, and that's okay. They'll let you go. They're not waiting around. Now, what gets the secure attached person to that decision point? It is when the secure attached person realizes they've sat with themselves, they know I've communicated clearly, I've set my boundaries, I've given enough time and space, and I've been patient. And nothing has changed. What they know and they believe is this is who this person is right now. And right now, whoever they are, it doesn't work for me. Now, how do they end a relationship? They're very clear, they're very kind, but they're also very final. There's no ambiguity in what they say, and they don't leave the door open. They're gonna say something like this I care about you or I love you, but this relationship isn't meeting my needs. I've communicated what I need, and it's not happening. I'm choosing to let go, and I wish you all the best. They don't say things like, you know, maybe we can be friends. They don't make a big dramatic scene. They don't list all of their partner's flaws. You did this, you didn't do this, you're not good enough. Nothing of the sort. They don't try to hurt that person or let that person know how they've been hurt by the relationship. They just know it's not working out. They don't play the victim, but you did this to me, and I tried really hard, and I've been in this. None of that. They get angry and hurt, yes, that the relationship didn't work out, but they don't go seeking revenge. They don't go badmouthing you to their friends and their family. The most people will get is we tried and the relationship didn't work. And they're definitely not going to propose keeping in touch, checking in, let's be friends. It's going to be one clean break that ends with compassion and consideration. But the bottom line is it ends. Now, what do they do after a breakup? They're going to go no contact. They're not going to check their social media. They're not looking to see how many people you've added to your friends' friend list or how many you removed or what stories you're posting. They will never send you a miss you text, not because they don't miss you, but it would be because they know it would be very confusing to you. And it's it, you know, they could miss you from a distance. They don't have to tell you about it. They don't hope that you're going to change and come back. They know it takes a long time for a human being to change, to work on themselves to change. And they also know that if you didn't change in the time that you were together, chances are you didn't change a week after you got, you know, you broke up or a month after. They're going to take their time processing their grief before they move on with their, you know, into another relationship. They are going to get about their life, which is moving on. A lot of times I say a person moves on after a breakup, and everybody's like, yeah, you go back into another relationship. No, moving on doesn't mean you're going into a relationship. I remember when I was going through a breakup, I moved on. I didn't date somebody else. I just wrote a number of books, started new projects with work, focused more on my work, spent time with my kids and my friends. Moving on means you're not hung up on the past relationship or hoping that the you're not sitting waiting for them to come back. You're not looking at their social media, you're not praying and begging. You're just focusing on the other areas of your life that you can develop. That's what moving on means. They also know that they're not going to keep the door open just in case. They're not looking at their phone wondering if you texted. Because when they end a relationship, they know why they've ended it, and the relationship is done. Now, if the avoidant attached person comes back, if it's weeks or months later, and if they say anything like, hey, or I've been thinking about you, can we talk? A secure attached person is going to be civil and kind. They're going to say something like, I appreciate you reaching out, but I've moved on. Again, moving on doesn't mean I'm dating somebody else. It means I've moved on from hoping you and I could ever be anything. And then they remind them, I meant what I said, and I do wish you all the best. They don't give second chances without major, major show of change. And even then, probably not because they know it takes a while for a person to heal and change. I'm not saying that people don't get back together. I'm saying that when a secure attached person decides that they're going to give you another chance, they're not jumping back in bed with you as soon as you go out or you ask them out. It's not going to even happen in a month. They're taking their time, getting to know you from scratch, the new person that you are now. Because what they also recognize is that after the breakup, you've changed. They've also changed. People process relationships when it ends, and the relationship, the end of the relationship, changes who we are. We become different people. Now they have to get to know you all over again. And their process in knowing someone before deciding if they really want to commit to someone, it's about six months because they know it takes a while to really see certain parts or personalities in a person that will qualify or disqualify for a lifetime partner. So they hit a reset button and say, okay, let's start from scratch. Now, why most secure attached people will not give a second chance? That is because before they break up, they actually went through the process of why the relationship was not going to make it. They processed that decision before making the decision. They communicated their needs at least twice. They gave enough chances twice. They know their worth. They trust their judgment. And they're not operating from, oh my gosh, what if I break up with this person and I never find someone else again? Which is scarcity. They know that there's somebody out there who they will be more compatible with. And so when they made that decision, it was a final decision. Now A secure attached person is going to walk away from a relationship and they're going to learn from it. Right? Their takeaway is I can be patient with someone's pace. I can respect their need for space. I can appreciate different love languages. But I can't be in a relationship where my needs don't matter. Communication never improves. Effort stays one-sided where I'm the one who's always doing the work. And this person is just not working on their healing and growing. And that is not about attachment style. That's about compatibility. I know we're talking about avoidant attachment style and a secure attached style here, but they will do exactly the same thing with an anxious attached person. You see, the thing is, a secure attached person, they don't feel like the avoidant person is terrible or all avoidance will hurt them, or you never date an avoidant attached person. Again, they're not blaming that person. What they're thinking is that this specific person and I were not compatible. They weren't ready for what I needed. And we both deserve better matches. That's the way they see it. That is why most secure attached people, they don't really know about attachment styles. Most people don't know about attachment stealth. So when a secure attached person meets you, they're not wondering, are you anxiously attached or avoidant attached? They're just meeting you as an individual. Let me see if we are compatible, if we can, you know, have a healthy, fulfilling relationship together. Now the difference with an anxious attached going through a breakup is that an anxious attached will keep saying, I can't do this, but then they go back. Then they say, I really can't do this, but then they still go back. And they keep repeating that pattern. The secure breakup energy is very, very different. This doesn't work for me. They leave, they process, they move on, and they're done. One is actually a threat. One is saying, if you don't do this, I'm out of here, but they never actually leave. And the secure attached breakup, that's a boundary. That's saying, I will not tolerate this, and I'm moving myself away from this situation. Now, what does an avoidant attached person lose? And like I mentioned a few minutes ago, also a secure attached person lose when a secure attached person leaves. They lose someone who gives space without drama, someone who communicated clearly, someone who set reasonable boundaries, someone who stayed calm and consistent, someone who didn't chase control or pressure, someone who actually accepted their pace, who was okay with their pace, someone who helped them to regulate their nervous system. The unfortunate thing is they don't really realize it until it's too late. If you're securely attached, leave in a comment section if this is how you would handle a breakup or how you've handled a breakup in the past. If you're anxiously attached, does this resonate for you? Is this something that you wish you could someday become, this secure attached person? And if it is something that you wish you can become, look in the footnotes. I'm going to drop a book here on how to become securely attached if you're anxiously attached. You could also keep checking in because right now I am working on a book on how if you're avoidantly attached, you could become securely attached. Thank you for listening in. I'm your host, Annalisa Bahadur. Until the next episode.