Setting Boundaries: Why Children Need Limits for a Thriving Jewish Life

A rabbi shares a heartbreaking conversation with a father who proudly claimed he never said "no" to his child, revealing how this approach endangers the child's Jewish future. Without boundaries, children cannot develop respect for mitzvot or understand the concept of kedusha (holiness).

• The juxtaposition in Parshas Kedoshim between "be holy" and "respect your parents" is not coincidental
• Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch teaches that holiness emerges from understanding boundaries
• Children who respect parental authority learn to respect divine authority
• Kedusha (holiness) requires separation and boundaries, like a sporting event needs defined borders
• Setting appropriate limits for children prepares them for a meaningful Jewish life

Consider telling yourself and your children "no" at the right times, because Judaism is about special times, places, and things that require boundaries to be meaningful.

Chapters

• 0:00 The Father Who Never Said No
• 0:38 No Boundaries, No Judaism
• 1:06 Rav Hirsch on Kedusha and Respect
• 2:10 Holiness Requires Boundaries
• 2:43 The Value of Saying No

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

A father once opened up to my rabbi and said one of the most heartbreaking and shocking things about his relationship with his son. The father told my rabbi that, rabbi, you know, I've really been successful in life, I've been so ma'atzliach in my business, and I can unequivocally declare that I have never denied my child anything, I've never had to say no, and he was proud of himself. But, rabbi Tsai, surely you're well aware that this child is destined to now walk the plank off of the shaky pirate ship of his future Judaism. Because if there is no no, if there are no boundaries, if a child doesn't understand right from wrong and what he can have and what he cannot have, well then there are no borders in life. There are no Gidarim, there are no mitzvahs, there are no Isurim, there's nothing. There's just Hefgerus without the word no to this concept when he shows us that. Surely you're aware that the sequence of the events in the Torah are not chronologically in order, but they're next to each other. To teach lessons, and Rav Hirsch points to, in the beginning of Parshas, kedoshim.

Speaker 1: 1:13

Right away it says Kedoshim ti yuki kadosh ani, separate from excessive indulgences and decadence of physical pleasures, experiences. And right away, ish imo. The Aviv Tiro should have Moira, you should have awe a bit of fear of your parents. Why are they next to each other? It's Ezra of Hirsch, because for Kedusha, for Kedushim Tiu to be had, it comes from a child who's brought up in a healthy, happy home where he understands right from wrong, because he has respect of his parents, he understands the family hierarchy and he understands that what daddy says and what mommy says is best for me and he continues to steig that way because he understands borders, he understands Gedarim.

Speaker 1: 1:58

That's how Kedoshim Tiu is plausible from Ish Imo V'Aviv Tiro, a beautiful shot in the juxtaposition of these words. Holiness is like a sporting event in that if you don't have, if there are no borders, no hockey walls, no out of bounds, then there is no game. There is nothing here in the whole thrill of Judaism. And where Kedusha is is when you find a, because you now create a certain enclosed area that's specially separated, moved for holiness, for you and God, but that can only come from separation and boundaries and Gedarim. Consider telling yourself no at times, consider telling your children no at the right times, because Judaism is so special and we know that special times, special places and special things is what Kedoshim Tiyu is all about, and sometimes it takes a setting of gedarim that comes from telling your child no.