"Rethinking Resolutions: Setting Achievable Intentions for ADHDers"

"Rethinking Resolutions: Setting Achievable Intentions for ADHDers"

Hosted by Katie Stibbs and Sara Robinson

Show Notes:

Do New Year's resolutions leave you feeling overwhelmed and underachieved? As we usher in the New Year, we're ditching traditional resolutions for something far more ADHD-friendly. Join us as we explore why typical resolutions often don't work for those with ADHD and how to set intentions that are not only achievable but empowering.

Highlights of the Episode:

Resolution Realities: We discuss why New Year's resolutions can be particularly challenging for individuals with ADHD, diving into the psychology and common pitfalls.

Intention over Resolution: Learn about shifting from rigid resolutions to flexible, meaningful intentions that align with your ADHD strengths and lifestyle.

Small Steps, Big Wins: Discover how breaking down intentions into manageable, bite-sized actions can lead to long-term success and satisfaction.

Embracing Imperfection: We talk about the importance of self-compassion and realistic goal-setting in the ADHD journey.

This episode is packed with practical tips, relatable anecdotes, and motivational insights to help you navigate the New Year with confidence and clarity. Say goodbye to the resolution pressure and hello to a year of meaningful, ADHD-friendly intentions!

Connect with Us:

Katie Stibbs

Email: info@katiestibbs.com

Website: We Love People School: LINK

Looking for guidance for navigating life with ADHD? Contact Katie to learn more about the Access to Work grant from the UK government, and discover strategies for simplifying your life and achieving success by embracing your authentic self.

Sara Robinson

Email: sara@sararobinsoncomms.co.uk

Website: Sara Robinson Communications: https://www.sararobinsoncomms.co.uk/

Award-winning PR Consultant, Trainer, Content Writer, and Labour Councillor in Cardiff.

Reach out to Sara for expert advice on PR and communication strategies, writing services and training.

Transcript

Speaker A: Hello and welcome to the podcast Ambitious ADHD, where we aim to change the conversation around neurodiversity, to talk about our challenges, our strengths, but to really learn to finally be ourselves because everyone else has taken sand. Hello and welcome to this episode of the podcast. And it is a new year. It is 2024, and this episode is all about New Year's resolutions. And really, as we usher in the new year, we are ditching traditional resolutions for something far more ADHD friendly. And we are going to explore why typically resolutions do not often work for us and kind of how to set intentions that are not only achievable, but really welcome, welcome Sarah.

Speaker B: Happy New Year.

Speaker A: Katie, Happy New Year. Now, I know we're talking about New Year's resolutions, but just want to know how quick overrun of your Christmas. Was it as expected?

Speaker B: Yes, it was. Christmas is so much better since my diagnosis, because I now understand the triggers and the things that get me overwhelmed. So I put lots of strategies in place this year to make sure that I could have that kind of downtime when I needed it. And I also had a lovely holiday in the week leading up to Christmas, which meant that I went into Christmas feeling suitably kind of chilled because it was very sunny. And I find that I'm always much better after prolonged periods in the sun.

Speaker A: How wonderful. So envious of that. In fact, I really think that this next year coming, I'm going to follow your lead and do the same thing, because it has not stopped raining. Really is affecting, well, it affects everyone, doesn't it? So that is really good that you're able to go and do that.

Speaker B: And how was yours?

Speaker A: It was unexpected, inasmuch as. No, not unexpected. Things, kind of family situations, illnesses, et cetera, meant that we kind of had to go with the flow a little bit because we didn't know what was going to happen because of having to travel off here, there and everywhere, potentially. But you know what I have learned, like you to not set expectations really high, and what I mean by that is not have this prerequisite of how everything should be and how everything should kind of go really smoothly. So I've really managed to dial into that. Just not always nobody's perfect, but that real ability to just really go from moment to moment. So that was good. And we did manage to celebrate. I managed to go away for a couple of days with my mum and the kids in between that twixmas time, which is also quite an odd one, I feel. And yeah, it was really good. Had some downtime.

Speaker B: Yay. I'm so glad. And sounds like you took our last episode before Christmas was all about dumping the shoulds, wasn't it? About kind of stop feeling like anything. I think the word should should just be banned. So I'm so glad that you managed to implement that over Christmas.

Speaker A: Yeah. And, you know, it was weird, actually, because we went to a hotel, and this is what I was going to say a little bit later on, but I might as well say it now. We went to a hotel that was a really nice hotel for anybody that knows Eastbourne. It's the grand hotel in Eastbourne, and obviously it's not cheap. So I really laughed at myself because obviously, I had certain expectations that I really had to dial kind of down and back when things did not go to plan. For example, there wasn't enough beds in the room and we were sharing a family room, et cetera. And it really made me think about the way that I react sometimes, that still reactionary process that we all have, and being able to kind of really go to your center and manage all of those things that potentially at one time would have triggered me and there would have been a big old dramatic event that things had gone my way. That was quite interesting.

Speaker B: Yeah, exactly what you mean. But, yeah, post diagnosis, I just feel like those things are easier to deal with. But it's a work in progress.

Speaker A: Absolutely. So I was just saying to you, just briefly before that I have never actually set any New Year's intentions in my life.

Speaker B: Or resolutions.

Speaker A: Resolutions, sorry, New Year's resolutions. No.

Speaker B: Amazing. To me, that's amazing. And the reason I fixed, I called it resolutions then was because I'm going to talk a bit about intentions today because I think they're slightly different. But I am amazed that you have managed to never set New Year's resolution. Is this just because everyone else does it? You wanted to be different? Because I know that ADHD feeling as well, of not wanting to do what everyone else does, or is it just because you struggle with them?

Speaker A: It's just never made any sense to me. I didn't realize that it was partly how my brain operates. And obviously with the diagnose of ADHD, that's a big part of it that I'm sure we're going to discuss. But I think I do live from day to day, and it'd be interesting, actually, after this episode, that I might experiment with a few things because I know you've got some different ideas and it's worth experimenting. And I've been kind of inquiring into my own experiences, whether it's the shame of thinking you're never going to achieve those goals. So why don't set any goals anyway? Because that's what's going to happen. But I don't think it is just that. I just think that is the way I am and I can reflect on the way things have been in the previous year and maybe the emotions that I want to experience more of. But yeah, I find it difficult. I also find it difficult when people ask me to what I'm going to do this year, to kind of book in time to do this, that and the other. I really struggle. It feels like a massive constriction to me.

Speaker B: Yeah, no, I get it. I think it's partly maybe a control thing and partly just wanting to go with the flow. And I also used to get that kind of paralysis when people asked me to commit to things. But I have got a lot better at that. But, yeah, so interesting. We're so different on that front because I just have a spectacular history of setting audacious resolution by the third week of January have just gone down the pan. And what I've realized is that resolutions, because they tend to be change based goals, don't they? They tend to be something, or running a half marathon or something when you've kind of not been big, audacious resolutions. And I think when they're based around change, the temptation. And if they're big, big goals and you haven't really thought about how to break those goals down, then the inevitable kind of result of that is that you end up. I don't want to use the word failing, but you end up not being able to achieve the things that you've set for yourselves. And what then ends up happening is that you have this kind of spiral of shame and guilt. And I can't stick to anything. I can't achieve anything that I set my mind to. And then you do it all again the next year. And I just don't think it's a very good process. I think for neurotypical people it's fine. Resolutions are good. I have lots of people in my life who set resolutions, but I also think for us, we need to approach them a little bit differently. And, yeah, I'm really looking forward to chatting, kind of exploring that a bit further today. Yeah.

Speaker A: And can I just say, I love the fact that you for many years have kind of obviously aimed so high and not deviated from that, actually consistently.

Speaker B: Fail.

Speaker A: But you still have the intention and the positivity. And I think that is quite an attribute of people with ADHD as well is that there seems to be a lot of high energy and positivity, and I think that's got to be celebrated as well.

Speaker B: This comes down to time management, I think, but overestimating what's achievable in 365 days because it feels like such a huge period of time, and then suddenly you're heading into summer and you haven't done anything towards one of the goals. It's actually been a huge revelation to me this year. Two years into my. So this will be my second new year since diagnosis, or has just been. And this year I've approached it completely differently and we'll see how it goes. I'm not saying. And I think one of the key things to get across to listeners is whatever works for you. If you don't feel like writing any or you haven't, then that's absolutely fine. And it's just an arbitrary day, isn't it? I was having this conversation with my son. It's just another day in the calendar. Somebody millennia ago decided that this was when the new year would be. But other people mark kind of the spring equinox as the start of their year because that's when they start to feel more positive. So it's arbitrary. Number one, you don't have to do it. Let's dump the shoulds. But if you do kind of want to set some intentions or set a direction of travel for yourself, which I think is much more healthy than kind of setting big goals, then, yeah, there's kind of lots of time left to do it. And the first week of January is a really good time to think about that. You don't need to have done them already, but it's definitely a good time now to think about what that might look like for you.

Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely. And obviously it's not just for this week in January. This kind of process is so useful throughout the year, isn't it? And wherever you're at that time of being able to reflect and then to move forward and to have your intentions in place in your mind so your kind of gps can know where you're going.

Speaker B: Gps? Like an internal gps?

Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely. So tell me, what is the difference then from your big, audacious goal setting to your intention setting or resolutions compared to intentions?

Speaker B: So I've dumped resolutions because I feel like they're always either ridiculously kind of give something up or do something big. Like I said earlier, I just don't like a word. I think it's pretty loaded now. You know the cliche about gyms being full of people for the first few weeks of January, and then they're empty again by the last week of the month? I guess because I've been that person so many times this year, I decided to do things a bit differently. So I picked up or jumped on the back of something that's been a trend for a couple of years, which is this idea of writing an in and out list for the year. So the idea of that is that you kind of list out the things you want to invite into your life, which is a lovely, positive way of thinking about it. And then afterwards, and it's important for me, or it was to do it in this order, then you list the things that you would like to push out for 2024. But it's not something that I'm going to beat myself up about. But I just find the process of writing these things down and keeping them, more importantly in my phone. And I think one of the things I'm going to do is every month just have a look at them and have a look at kind of if I'm moving in the right direction of travel. But it was much more fun to do than writing resolutions. It was much, much more fun to do. And the idea of inviting things in, I just feel, is just a really nice, positive process. So what do I want more of? And obviously that involves a bit of reflection, doesn't it? Because it involves thinking about what worked well for me last year, what would I like to do more of and what didn't work so well and what would I like to do less of? So it just feels like a softer way of approaching it than these big, hairy, audacious.

Speaker A: Yeah, it feels nourishing, doesn't it? It feels warm. It feels like self acceptance, but also inquiry at the same time. And I just think, yeah, that is just such a beautiful way. Give us some examples. It doesn't have to be your examples, but give us some examples of the kind of things that we may. I know that sounds weird, but I think.

Speaker B: Happy to share some of mine. So some of them are very specific and some of them are more general, but things I'm inviting in for 2024 are. A lot of them are actually to do with managing my ADHD symptoms. So I think we've talked about this before. I'm not medicated, so I do spend a lot of time thinking about how I can structure my routine and my day to make sure that I'm kind of working with my brain and not working against it anymore. So some examples are I'm inviting in cold showers for the last three minutes. So every time I have a shower I'm inviting in the deep breath, I'm turning that temperature right down to freezing cold for the last three minutes of the shower. And that's something I actually started last year and I couldn't manage even 1 minute last year. But through the course of the year I was kind of adding 10 seconds and adding 10 seconds. So now I've got this kind of small goal of three minutes. But you know what? If I don't make the whole three minutes, it doesn't matter. It's setting the intention of inviting in that and it's almost like a self care ritual because yes it is horrible for the first 2nd, that shock, but afterwards I just feel like I've had a wash in a way that a warm shower just doesn't work. It feels like a nervous system reset almost. So yeah, I'm inviting those in because I want more of them and I want to just make a conscious effort to do it as well. The other thing I'm doing is starting a mental health fund. So some of my ins and outs were around money this year and in terms of the kind of things I was trying to push out, I wanted to push out mindless consumption, buying things as a way of achieving a dopamine hit. Because that's something I've been guilty. That's the impulsivity bit. And I'm really proud of myself. We're on the 2 January and usually by now I'd have been shopping in the sales online, just assuaging my boredom between Christmas and new year by doing some sales shopping. I haven't bought anything yet and I intend to keep that up. So one of the things I'm pushing out is mindless consumption. But what I'm inviting in, I didn't want to just say something that was very general like save more. I wanted to be really specific about.

Speaker A: Why and why I want yes, so important the why, the why.

Speaker B: And I'm sure we'll come back to that about why you're doing any of these things. And what I want to do is put some money aside. So stop buying clothes, stop buying shoes, I don't need anything. But what I would like is a little kind of pot so that I can call them when I really need it. And there's sort of links to burnout, which I'll come on to in a bit as well, but kind of putting some money aside so that if I feel like I need a break or a spa day with a friend or an afternoon tea or something that, and it doesn't have to cost a huge amount of money, but just having a pot that's there that I can call on that feels guilt free and doesn't eat into my kind of day to day expenditure and kind of pushes me into the red, if you like. So yeah, starting a mental health fund is one of the things I'm inviting in and just acknowledging that sometimes the best things you can do for your mental health are free. But sometimes a little treat here or there or being able to get away from your everyday environment does take money, and I'm notoriously bad at putting money aside. So that's one of the things I'd like to do this year. I'm also inviting in early nights, and then again, I was specific here. So turning my phone off at 09:00 p.m. In bed by 09:30 p.m. And that feels a bit resolutiony. But it's not as an intention for me. It's an intention to just get into bed a bit earlier. And it doesn't matter if I'm sleeping, I can use that time to read. I can use it to listen to a podcast, I can use it to meditate. But just that practice of getting off my phone because I think that has a huge impact on sleep as well. I'm looking at things I'm trying to push out, like doom scrolling, I'm leaving that behind. So that idea of just scrolling and scrolling and scrolling through social media. So I have managed to quit two of the big social media platforms last year. But this year I just want to spend less time on the platform I'm still on, which is Instagram. So I'm kind of pushing that away. And I'm also pushing away saying sorry because I noticed sorry for so much that is out of my control. I even found myself apologizing for the weather on.

Speaker A: Oh, Sarah, I love that. Go on, tell me more.

Speaker B: What do you mean? Oh, my friend, you're not, you know, it's not your fault it's raining because I said I'm sorry if this is having an impact on your holiday. I was on holiday with friends and they kind of held a mirror up to me a little bit and kind of pointed out every time I said sorry when it wasn't my fault or there was nothing that I could be sorry about. So I'm pushing that out. So other things I'm inviting in and this links to purchasing things, asking myself do I need it and sleeping on the big purchasing decision. So I'm just inviting that in, which is a step that I don't in the past I haven't always had, so that I kind of sense check, do I need this or do I want it?

Speaker A: Yeah. That is so powerful. That is so useful.

Speaker B: That's coming in. The other thing I'm inviting in is the ability to say no without feeling guilty. And I actually practiced this over Christmas. I was invited to a dear friend's kind of post Christmas party. It was in Surrey I live in, you know, flown home on early hours of Christmas Eve. So I was kind of half unpacking and then I spent Christmas at my partner's house. I had stuff everywhere. And then the thought of getting in the car on the 27th to drive all of that way and then appreciating that at a party. I haven't seen this particular friend for a long time, but you know what it's like at a party. She's not going to have a huge amount of time for that kind of quality catch up. So I said no to the party. And the way I'm going to assuage any guilt around that, not that I should be feeling it, is I will make sure this year that I spend some quality time with her and we'll maybe meet halfway or something. But that usually I would have said yes to that invitation. And then the night before I'd have thought, why did I say I'd drive all that way? And it would have felt like an imposition. It would have resulted in a lot of stress and 10 hours of driving or more. That was unnecessary for me this year. So, yeah, kind of learning to say no without feeling guilty. And I think this links to boundaries. So I'm inviting in more boundaries as well. I could go on a lot of. It's very, very boring. But just to illustrate, really, that the in outlist is very much about setting intentions, but none of the things on my list are kind of huge goals. I'm inviting in running more often now. A few years ago I'd have said I want to run 500 km this year or I want to run three half marathons. And then if I didn't achieve that thing, I'd feel terrible about myself and tell myself I was lazy, that I couldn't stick to things. So this year I'm just inviting and running because it makes me feel good. And I think that for me is the difference between big resolutions and just setting intentions about how I would like to live. Does that make sense?

Speaker A: Absolutely it does.

Speaker B: Absolutely.

Speaker A: And it is that self nourishment and that care. Rather than thinking about running as being an added benefit to your life, it makes you feel good. It's not because you have to do a certain set amount of miles in a certain amount of time. And I really wished I could have been that person for many years and I really thought there was something wrong with me that I couldn't do it. But now I'm really realizing that it's actually a massive benefit to me and that's how I've kind of always lived, really. So I feel quite lucky in that respect. And I'm going to give up the shaming of not being the big goal setter and then you should much easier for me that way because I couldn't do it any other way. That's the point.

Speaker B: Yeah. You've just been working with the brain. You have. And I for years have been railing against mine and wondering why I can't stick to things. So it feels to me like you kind of got lucky without knowing it. That inability to set big goals. So if you don't set big goals, do you mind me asking, do you spend any time kind of reflecting and does that kind of help shape what the next year might look like? Or do you just ignore new year? How does it work for you?

Speaker A: I really just ignore new year.

Speaker B: Okay.

Speaker A: But I think I move my new year to maybe February time because that's when my birthday is and I don't want to push myself into. It doesn't feel right for me January to be in that headspace.

Speaker B: That's so interesting that you say that. I'm in an ADHD women's community. So many people have said the same this year that they are going to aim for spring equinox or kind of march time when it just feels like. It feels like a nicer time of year because the weather and I just.

Speaker A: Believe in the seasonal, we've got these kind of timings, especially as women right now is hibernation. But it might not be right for you. So it's whatever you can tune into that feels right for your cycle body way of being. I just think because we're all so different in so many ways and we're conditioned in many ways and we've got these beliefs that have been passed on to us and passed down to us and we often don't know which is which and which is our own. So I just think it's really important to just do what feels healthy and right for you, which actually takes work. It's not easy to go against the flow of what everybody else is saying they're doing.

Speaker B: I agree.

Speaker A: And also we've got to remember that this time of year, like you said earlier, is a huge marketing push for many industries to sell their wares and their ways of life, of being the right way of life and follow me, follow me or else you're wrong. So I just really think, really got to inquire as to what is good for you. If you want to think about where you're going, that's fine. But also if that doesn't come to you as a natural response, then that's not for you either.

Speaker B: Yeah, no, I completely agree. I so agree. And I think shifting from kind of that rigid making resolutions on this one day of the year to more flexible, meaningful intentions because let's face it, we've all got superpowers and strengths that come with our ADHD. So if you can find a way of, and this is if you decide to do it at all, of course. But setting those flexible intentions that really kind of line up with your ADHD strengths and your lifestyle and your current routine because so many people listening will recognize this. But if you say, let's say that you don't currently go to the gym and then suddenly you say, well, I'm going to go five times a week and then on week three that doesn't happen because you've got the kids or life gets in the way, doesn't it? Life gets in the way or you get sick. And that can really have a massive impact on us because I think we know there's all kinds of research that shows that by the age of twelve girls, but in particular with ADHD, will have heard tens of thousands of negative messages about themselves. And so we carry this into adult life so we don't need to be giving ourselves more reasons or more excuses to have that negative self talk. So what are the things that you are good at? And there'll be things that we all have, kind of things we need to work on with our ADHD as well. And making your kind of intentions for the year align with your strengths, align with your lifestyle. But also think about, I think you're so right about the time of year. So next year I think I'm going to experiment with setting a calendar mark for myself in March and I'll start thinking about them in March because I like you. There's this lovely book that I started to read over the break called wintering. This idea of when it's winter that we should be doing what nature is doing, which is winter ground kind of, what's the word? Conserving our resources rather than kind of spending them all or overspending our resources. And I mean physical resources. And I just think there's something really beautiful about going, you know what? I'm going to put my intention setting into spring this year. So I actually have set a date with myself to kind of relook at my intentions in spring and see how I'm getting on. And I have no doubt that some of my intentions will be much easier in spring and summer to do than in the first few months of the year.

Speaker A: Absolutely. My goodness. Especially with this rain and this weather. But I also want to just touch upon the fact that I really do believe that kind of setting intentions, but first, really making sure that we reinforce and remind ourselves of our strengths because we don't do that generally on our own by ourselves. The only reason that I know this is because I obviously do this with people all the time, but I know I'm guilty of not doing it myself. And I see the results in the reminder, the weekly reminder, the daily reminder for people when I remind them of all of their strengths. And we go through that whole process and make that real in real time, over and over again. So I gave myself the same nourishing just before Christmas and sat down and wrote all of my strengths, just like I would do with other people.

Speaker B: And you know what?

Speaker A: It was so beautiful. It was really shockingly, even though this is ridiculous, obviously, because you do it with other people. But often the things we do with other people, we don't give ourselves the same kind of breaks or comfort when we converse, whatever our intentions are throughout the year, wherever they come. If we can really begin with that process of reminding ourselves our neurobiology is just different, but actually it's absolutely ******* brilliant in many ways.

Speaker B: Yes.

Speaker A: And our strengths are many and vast.

Speaker B: Absolutely. And it comes back to what I was saying earlier, doesn't it, about the. Especially, I think if you were late diagnosed, you'll have spent a lifetime thinking the worst things about yourself and having those things reinforced by the education system, by the healthcare system, in many cases by the people around you. Why are you so forgetful? We all know the drill, right? We all know the things that we hear from other people and kind of stay with us. And again, we've done a whole episode on rejection sensitivity and how negative self talk can often kind of be part of that. And I am actually really bad at what you just did. And I'm really a impressed that you took the time to sit down to do it because it's incredibly hard to do. And B, I've obviously forgotten what b is now, but it has inspired me to maybe do that because something that I have in my phone is a list of achievements. And when I'm feeling low or having a bad day, I will look at that list and I try and add to it. So whenever there's something new that I'm proud of, I add to it. But I think actually that's not super helpful for me and my ADHD because it's very achievement based and who you are or your strength as a person shouldn't be linked to your achievements. And I think this is a cycle that I'm trying to break where I kind of get my. Derive my self esteem or sense of self worth from things that I have achieved. And I think this is really hard for, especially for us ADHD, who turn that hyperactivity inwards. So we feel like we always have to be on the go, we always have to be ticking things off lists, we always have to be striving for the next thing. So I am actually going to do what you've done before the next episode. And it is hard to think of your strengths, isn't it?

Speaker A: Yeah. And that is really interesting, Sarah, because I find it really. This is so different because I do not make any lists, I don't tick anything off. This isn't like a. I'm not saying my way is the right way. When I get asked the question or seal the ADHD kind of ways of breaking down goals and setting out your intentions, one of the questions is, what are your three biggest achievements? Or something along those lines, which I find this is interesting, which I find ridiculously hard to do because I just think, what are my achievements? But this ties into the goal setting thing, because you're being a big goal setter and a big achievement go getter, which I really admire in you, by the way. I don't operate like that at all.

Speaker B: So I, conversely, would love to be more like you. Honestly. I can see now, with the benefit of a diagnosis and a lot of therapy, that I have spent so much of my life chasing goals and chasing the next thing that I want to achieve. That's why I started a business, probably, and then once I started that business, it was chasing awards and chasing bigger clients. But the problem with that approach is that you are never happy, you are never satisfied. And for me, anyway, I found it very hard to take my foot off the hamster's wheel and say, actually, this is enough. You don't need to keep chasing the next thing, or you are enough, rather than this is enough. And that's something that I'm working on, and that might take me a long time. And I think I'd love to be less, or to have been in my life less focused on making lists and ticking things off. And I am very much a list person, but I realized on holiday that I am completely wedded to my list. So I know we talked about the system that I use a few episodes ago. I use a system called sun sama, where I list out not only the things I need to do for work, but my daily routine is in there. So meditate. When I meditate, it gets a tick. When I walk the dog, it gets a tick when I drink three liters of water a day. I can tick it off when I've done my 10,000. And the reason I do it is because I get a dopamine hit every time I tick something off. It makes me feel good. But when I was on holiday, I realized that I felt lost because suddenly my son sama didn't. It had the meditation, but I didn't have a dog to walk anymore. I didn't have to brush the dog's teeth or any of the stupid things that were on my list. And I realized that that system has become like an operating system for me, like a piece of software on which I operate. And when it was gone, as in it was almost empty, I kind of didn't know what to do. I felt a little bit lost. And that's why I struggle so much with relaxing. And that all ultimately leads to kind of burnout episodes. And I know that we're going to do a couple of episodes on burnout this year, so I really do wish that I relied on lists last, but I think for me it's because I'm forgetful. If I didn't have it in my phone every day that I need to brush the dog's teeth, even though I've done it every day for the last however many years, I would forget. I feel like I would never get anything done if it wasn't written down.

Speaker A: Yeah. So it doesn't either have to be binary either, does it? Just you noticing that on holiday is like an awareness piece of being able to kind of just know that and know that there might need to be a little bit of adjusting because we tend to be binary. Don't we all? Or nothing or right or wrong. Black or white. And it's really interesting because my only intention, it sounds quite deep, and I suppose it is quite deep, but it is my commitment to my kind of truth, whatever that means. So kind of stripping away of any false constructs, because many of us are striving for to get, like we've just discussed, to get somewhere, to get there. So we feel something. So we're running from ourselves all the time. I just think that most of us are really either trying to get somewhere, don't want to feel something, we're trying to get away from ourselves. So my only intention is to get closer to myself, whatever that. And this is not easy.

Speaker B: I love this, though, because what it gives you is. I love the simplicity of it. Sorry to talk over you, but I also love that it gives you a really valuable question. So I'm a big fan of questions. I even have a question mark tattooed on my wrists, because I think the best thing we can do in life is be curious and ask questions and be inquisitive. But what that intention gives you is a question you can ask yourself, I guess. So when you're faced with big decisions, you can say, is this getting me nearer to who I am or who I want to be? And if the answer is no, then that's an amazing filter. Love the simplicity of it and just.

Speaker A: Inquiring and just going deeper and deeper into what am I trying not to feel? Or what is this jealousy about? Or in the end, I suppose the whole point is that we all want to feel peace and we want to feel whole and that contentment, that peace. And I think that we can get there. And all roads lead to Rome, which there's no right or wrong way, but there is a way, and it's finding out what kind of works for you. So, yeah, it's interesting, isn't it? This is like a paradoxical kind of.

Speaker B: It is. And I love it. I love it because, again, being so new in my diagnosis journey, I just assume that all women with ADHD work in exactly the same way. But that's the whole point of being neurodivergent, isn't it? Is that no two people are the same. And even within the box that says ADHD on it, people will be very different. And I feel like this is why it's so important we find that community and we find that tribe and find other people. Join those groups on social media or join those support groups, because I think the more conversations you can have with other people who have ADHD, the more you can learn from them, because the way I do things is not necessarily healthy or right or whatever right means, but right for me. And I certainly wouldn't presume that it would be right for other people. And there's something about the simplicity with which you approach all of this. And this is why I really wanted to do an episode on resolutions, because I was scrolling through Instagram, so not keeping to one of my intentions over Christmas, and it was just full of people talking about what they're going to do differently next year. And you kind of end up feeling like you're kind of less of a human if you haven't done this piece of work or this piece of thinking. But I think it's so important that we have self compassion for ourselves and also that idea of setting realistic goals or intentions as well. So what I've learned is that I am really bad at getting any big goal done because I often don't know where to start. I don't know about you, but if my intention is write a report that I need to do for a client, and I've set that for a particular day, I will sit down and scratch my head, and I will procrastinate, and I will get up and make a cup of tea, and I will do everything I can to not, because I don't know where to start. And I think our brains are really bad at transition. So we know this. There's a whole load of science that shows that, and this is why. And it's the same science that explains why we get into hyper focus, because once we're in something, it's really hard to get out. But equally, when we're not in something, to get into it. So what I've learned, and again, this is fairly new, is that I need to break down goals into smaller steps. So instead of saying, today I'm going to write the whole of this report, I will say, today I'm going to do the research that I need to do for this report. And that's all I'm aiming to do, is get a couple of hours of research done. And then it might be that the following day I need to write the introduction today or I need to write the body. But for some reason, it just feels much more achievable for me when I break things down into smaller steps.

Speaker A: Oh, yeah.

Speaker B: And I only do that now because I know that works for my ADHD brain. For years, procrastination and struggling with achieving the bigger goals has been one of the things that has caused me so much stress, so much anxiety, so much kind of self loathing.

Speaker A: Yeah, because we didn't understand what was going on. Neurobiologically, you're so right when you can chunk it down into little smaller pieces. So, for example, this just maybe sounds ridiculous, but this has worked for so many people that I've worked with that maybe say, for example, know that they need to do physical exercise for their ADHD and they really want to start, but they can't make themselves getting to the flow. This simple thing, for example, of just getting on your gym clothes, or not even actually it could start with just going into a gym in your normal clothes, wandering around and coming back out again. And I know that sounds silly, but little things like that can really start a process of breaking that procrastination or kind of feeling into it. So it's the same principle. Getting into the gym, getting then your gym clothes on, going on the treadmill for five minutes and then coming out.

Speaker B: You know what, that's so interesting because I run, and running is one of my absolute kind of. I call it the non medicated ADHD medication for me, running even though I hate it and I always hate it for the first 2 think, why am I here afternoon? Because I thought New Year's day would be a great day to go for a run. Start the year as you mean to go on. It was absolutely pouring down with rain. And when I got out of the car because ironically I'd driven to a park to run because it was prettier when I got out of the car, I just thought, I want to get back in the car immediately. Hated the first 2 km. But there's something I always share because people ask me how I stay so consistent with my running. Not that I always am, but over the last ten years I have consistently been a runner, although some years I've run less than others and some years I've run races and other years I haven't done anything apart from go for a jog. And I'm trying to be kind of less obsessed about that as part of this whole thing that we're discussing today. But something I often tell people is if you don't feel like going for a run, or a mile feels too long, or a kilometer feels too long, put on your trainers, step outside the door, turn left, start to run and then turn left again. And if you want to, you can just come back home, you can turn right and right again, you'll be back at your front door. But there's something about just putting 1ft in front of another and deciding I'm going left here. It means you're out 100%, isn't it? Is kind of getting out the door those trainers are on.

Speaker A: And that's what I do. That's why I can't run around a park, because I just wouldn't do it. So what I have to do is get out the door and then just keep going one way because it means that I always just have to come back. If I was doing laps, I would give one lap, but because I run in one direction and then that works for me. That's the same principle, I guess.

Speaker B: Yes, it is. It's exactly the same. And it all comes back to this. Whatever your intentions are for this year, and even if you haven't thought about them yet, if you have a direction of travel in terms of you want to. And I really hate all this kind of toxic stuff on instagram. I was talking to friends about this over Christmas, the kind of get up at 05:00 a.m., meditate, do everything you need to do before 07:00 a.m. So you get, I am not a morning person. I'm a late night person. So my brain works better in the evening. I'm more creative in the evening. And so for me, again, when I set intentions, I try and make sure that they work with my brain and my kind of circadian rhythm and my own body clock, which is really important. Obviously, I've forgotten the whole point I was making now, but it comes back to those smaller steps and setting those intentions, but making them bite sized. And don't make big, hairy, audacious goals because you're setting yourself up to fail. And if they're change based, the smaller you can make them, the more I'm going to be brave and say this on air now. One of the things I would really like to do is finish a book that I've been. I'll wait to read it. But kind of a year ago I was telling myself, or even just six months ago, I have to write 1000 words a day. And then a couple of weeks happened where I just couldn't manage that. And then I got out of the habit and now I've stalled at 30,000 words and I can't get any further because I'm too scared to go back to it. But this year my intention is write some words every day. So what I'm inviting in is the opportunity and the time to write some words every day. And that just feels much more freeing than tying myself to this kind of ridiculous word goal, because the minute, and I'm sure the people listening can identify with this. The minute I fail or I fail to do that for one day or for one week, I then tell my. It's the all or nothing thing again, isn't it? I then say, well, there's no point. I've failed, I've let it go and I can never get back to it now. And that feels like a lifelong struggle. That'll be my battle with myself until my dying day, I'm sure. But this year it's about just making the time to write. And if some days that's a couple of sentences or a couple of paragraphs, that is absolutely fine. The intention is about the direction of travel, not about ticking off some. And they're all arbitrary, aren't they? We impose these things on ourselves and then we suffer when we don't do them. So the key for me is just to be kinder, to be more compassionate with ourselves and just be more realistic about what's achievable as well. So just doing a bit of whatever it is that makes you happy or brings you joy or pushes you in the direction that you want to go in. Doing a tiny bit every day. And it's about consistency, isn't? It's? About showing up is so much better than setting massive goals that you then beat yourself up for not managing to do. I know I've said that in seven different ways this episode, but I say it with passion because I have learned this stuff the hard way.

Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely. It is about finding that daily joy in whatever way that you experience it. And it could be as simple as having a cup of tea. And it's kind of always tuning into, am I going in the right direction? Does this feel purposeful? Does it feel good? Am I surrounded by people that support me? Am I choosing to more be surrounded by people that support me and don't induce shame in me? All of those things are also really nourishing intentions, aren't they? Especially with ADHD.

Speaker B: Yeah. I think the key thing we need to be for ourselves is just our own best parents.

Speaker A: Yes.

Speaker B: For many of us who are brought up with parents who didn't know that they had this, and so we're therefore unable to perhaps parent them in a more kind of positive way, then I think my focus for the next two years at least, is to learn to be a better parent to myself and through that, become a better parent. Full stop. To my son, who I know we've discussed before, we think he's not diagnosed, but we're absolutely certain that he also has ADHD. So the more I learn about myself, the better I become at being able to work with his strengths. I think that's a kind of big area of focus for me over the next few years is just learning to kind of be self parent in a better way and be able to forgive myself and not beat myself up when I don't make the big silly goals that I set myself because they're meaningless.

Speaker A: Yeah, but also, I think you have got big goals, and I love the fact that you've got big goals, actually. For example, do you want to travel the world? I know you've traveled the world already, but do you want to do that again? Are there things that you want to experience in this lifetime?

Speaker B: Absolutely. Yes. I'd like to see more of the world, but what I don't have is kind of travel the world because that feels huge. I have been lucky enough to see some amazing places this year. I've actually set no travel goals, which is one of the first and probably the first year I haven't had a travel goal. But what I have invited in is winter sun. So what that looks like, I don't know. And I don't need to decide now. And usually I can tell you this. On January the first, I'm usually on my phone booking my holidays for the year. Kind of honestly, I am that person. I will spend New Year's Day mapping out the year ahead, usually. But this year, I just know that I would like some sun this winter. What that looks like, I'm not sure yet. And I'm kind of giving it time to percolate a little bit. But in terms of my life, I would like to finish a book. I would like to finish this book. But apart from that, I just want my son to be happy and I want to live a life that feels fulfilled and full of great people. And that, for me, is enough. It's more than enough.

Speaker A: Yeah, I agree.

Speaker B: You said goals. So how does that work?

Speaker A: Yeah, no, they're pretty much aligned with yours, to be honest. It's to just keep on inquiring and to kind of work out what thoughts are. Well, most thoughts are just constructs anyway, so really getting to the bottom of that so I can live a much more peaceful life. And I think I am getting there for sure. And to just have good conversations, to have lovely people in my life, to feel love and to help people, really. I love supporting people. That is what brings me a lot of joy. And, yeah, that my kids, you can't control your children, but you can support them. And I just want them to be happy. That's enough.

Speaker B: And I think that's a lovely note on which to end is that whatever good looks like for you is enough. It doesn't have to be in a list. Whatever a positive and fulfilling 2024 looks like to you, then here's to going out and getting that. Whatever that looks like.

Speaker A: Yeah.

Speaker B: So true.

Speaker A: It's the simple things, isn't it? And I think we can be on a false dawn. We can be going after things that actually we don't really need or want, but it's just like the trajectory that we're on. But we can always just come back and just be ourselves.

Speaker B: Yeah. Get off the hamsters wheel, spend some time with ourselves and. Yeah, so, right, yeah.

Speaker A: It was lovely talking to you.

Speaker B: Yeah, you too. Happy New year.

Speaker A: I feel New Year.

Speaker B: They're really buzzing about 2024 after that chat for you and for listeners, and we wish you a very happy one and a fulfilled one.

Speaker A: Absolutely. See you next time.

Speaker B: See you soon, Katie. Bye. Thank you for joining us.

Speaker A: I hope you enjoyed the episode. If you would like more of this kind of stuff, join us at we love pupil school. For people that want to create lasting relationships, great communication and build a life, that means that they can be fully themselves. Thank you for listening.