"How To Be More Yourself " Discovering Your Unique Ways Of Being

Feeling grumpy, frustrated, not quite yourself?
There may be parts of your personality or core self that aren't being expressed in your life anymore.
In this episode, I explore with you how we can reflect on what ways of being in the world we have unconsciously let go of without realising it. So you can decide ways you can add them back in.

Highlights of the episode:

Maybe you used to be the funny one and now you may find yourself with a lot more responsibility and the funny part of you has taken a decade-long holiday. 
Maybe you were a rebel explorer in your 20s and have not seen that part of yourself for too long.

I explore how our obsessive identification with thought can take us far away from home
and believing that our thoughts are actually who we are can cause painful rumination.

Connect with Us:

Katie Stibbs

Email: info@katiestibbs.com

Website: http://www.welovepeopleschool.com

Looking for guidance for navigating life with ADHD? Contact Katie to learn more about the Access to Work grant from the UK government, and discover strategies for simplifying your life and achieving success by embracing your authentic self.

Sara Robinson

Email: sara@sararobinsoncomms.co.uk

Website: Sara Robinson Communications: https://www.sararobinsoncomms.co.uk/

Award-winning PR Consultant, Trainer, Content Writer, and Labour Councillor in Cardiff.

Reach out to Sara for expert advice on PR and communication strategies, writing services and training.

Transcript

Speaker A: Hello and welcome to the podcast Ambitious ADHD, where we aim to change the conversation around neurodiversity, to talk about our challenges, our strengths, but to really learn to finally be ourselves because everyone else has taken hello and welcome to the podcast. I am flying solo this week because my gorgeous co host Sarah is on a really interesting course where she don't think she can use any phones or get online or whatever, which I just find amazing. I briefly did a couple of days online silent retreat over Christmas and it was amazing, exactly what I needed, which has given me the impetus and the confidence, really, to add that into my life. So if anybody has experienced that and can let me know which retreats they have been to, that would be amazing. Now, this episode has been. Well, it was prompted by the fact that I was invited to be on a summit and I could have a session about whatever I wanted to have a session about, which is difficult because there were so many topics, there were so many things that I could have talked about. And in the end, the title of my session was be yourself. Everyone else is taken. And the subtitle of that was, do you know who you are? Are you being fully yourself? So slightly ambiguous? I know, but stick with me here, because I find that oftentimes at the heart of everyone's issues and struggles is often a sense of misalignment with who they are now, who are they trying to be? And I think especially with ADHD, there's a tendency to have been so many things to so many people and tried so hard that there's a real need to find ways to come back to ourselves, to really feel in to our essence, for want of a better word, for the ways of living in the world, of being in the world. That really lights us up. That is kind of our essential self almost. And these things change, these ways of being as we get older and we gain more and more responsibility. And I always want to really go back and find out what perhaps is missing and what perhaps has had to be taken out to establish other things. So if you're driving in your car, that's fine, you can listen. If you want to get a pen and paper and really kind of inquire into your own sense of self and whether you feel aligned and kind of whole and nourished and seen and heard and like you're on point with who you are as a person, or whether you feel a lot of the time or some of the time, you feel that there's a bit of a mismatch, a cognitive dissonance almost, of who you are on the inside and what you are presenting to the world on the outside. And I know there are many roles that we play. There are many, many parts to our personality and who we are. And that's absolutely fine, because that is just parts of life. And it's like I suggested in another episode, I think the idea of the front stage world and the backstage world. So that is not in question, but it is worth sitting down and reflecting. In your primary school years, for example, say, in the years naught to 15, were there parts of you and ways of being in the world that really were your personality at that point, that really were kind of the way of being in the world? And it could be that you were a caregiver at that point. It could be that you were an adventurer, an inventress or an inventor, an artist, a playmate, an explorer, the funny one, a good girl. But looking back and reflecting, just notice if there are any elements there that you had kind of forgotten, had slipped away almost. And, yeah, there's no judgment here, but it's just a way of investigating to find out what perhaps we need to add in, because when we're feeling a bit off or displaced or maybe anxious or depressed, it's oftentimes that there are parts of us that are not being expressed, or expressed in the world. That's a good word for it. So take the time to inquire and come up with maybe a list of ways of being in the world that were appropriate to you at that time. And then from 15 to 20, were there any ways of being in the world at that time that you can reflect on that you might have forgotten? Could be the seductress, could be the rebel, could be a painter, creator of fashion statements, the financier. If you were very good with money at that age, and then 20 plus, notice what your ways of being in the world look like. 30 plus 40 plus 50, plus whatever age you are now. And it is worth noting that when we reflect on this, we can find that we have let a part of a slip away, perhaps because of responsibility, of having children, of, say, a friend of mine, for example, was brilliant, brilliant nurse. And she then got a job as a manager and lost all joy in her work, even though she'd been promoted and the money was better. But that essence, that way of being in the world that was intrinsically her core identity, that lit her up, that made her feel alive, was no longer available to her, and she was able to notice that. And sometimes you have to crack on. But oftentimes you can change things, and it could be as small a change as bringing humor back in to your personality, finding ways of opening up that again. Because I was thinking, actually, I used to be quite funny. And I think I've got pretty serious. And just thinking about a client who realized that he was very serious, had become very serious and very, very strict parent. Because he'd become a single parent, he had a lot of responsibilities. And his natural personality, his natural way of being in the world was the comedian. And he realized that he had made a key decision very young because his father thought he was funny, but was very cruel in his pranks and kind of put downs. And in a moment of recoil, he'd realized that he'd put a lid on his own comedic personality and way of being in the world. And that can be revelatory because that is an essence of who he really is. When you take away the layers. His natural way of being in the world is to be funny. So he was able to go and reflect on this and find, firstly, ways of bringing some lightness. He started dating again, and people loved him because he allowed himself, he gave himself permission to be funny, to be funny again. And for you, it could be simple as like I did this year, and I've voiced this on another episode. I'm quite creative, but I'd always thought of myself as not a painter or a drawer and had literally put all creativity aside and then allowed myself permission to start opening my mind and creating gifts and shells and mirrors and vases and whatever. And it's been a huge source of pleasure for me because using my hands is so useful for my brain. And it just allows a free flowing of energy. It's really good for cognitive functioning and it really fulfills that artistic outlet in me that wasn't being fulfilled. So even though these small things might seem trivial, I really find with everybody that I support that want transformation. The transformation often lies in being more of who you really are, realizing that you are way more than who you think you are, but on a foundational, fundamental level, revisiting your essence, your flavors of personality, and the layers and the subtlety of that and the very small things that we can add in that can really make a huge, huge difference to our perception, to our feelings, to our thoughts and our thoughts and our beliefs of who we are create our reality, let's face it, so super important also thinking about what you might have had to give up or what you might have to give up in order to do the things that you want to do. And this could be creating a business, for example, that you might have to put aside your charitable personality for a while, or your social personality, because it is getting in the way of. It is becoming a barrier to you focusing your time on creating a business. So I think for everybody, these are key aspects to focus on. But specifically, because I understand the way our brains work that we do put a lot of other people first, because often we are really kind, we do like to make others feel good, and our time runs away with us. So really getting clear on what it is that makes you feel alive, what it is that makes you feel strong. And we've done this before, but let me just remind you, I feel alive when I'm with beautiful, incredible, heart centered women that are sharing the same space as me or on the same journey as me. I feel alive. I feel strong when my body is strong. I feel alive when I am laughing and being silly. All of these things are so important for us to transform our lives, but also to come back to who we really are. So that is just a reminder to just reflect on what makes you feel alive and what your ways of being are in the world that might have been let go of in childhood or teenage years or growing up that you might want to add in. And I just want to also remind you that you are not your thoughts. And this has, I mean, we've all heard this so many times, and because we have so many thoughts, such quick thinking brains as humans, but especially as people with ADHD, this I cannot emphasize enough to find ways of working with your thoughts. Our identification with our minds and our thoughts can lead us very far away from home. And for those of you that have never entertained the idea, I invite you. It will be one of if it's at the right time and you are suffering and you are struggling and you are ruminating, this is why I use hypnosis more and more and more with people that I work with, because the two go hand in hand. Let me just put it this way. If you have a continual habitual rumination, I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough. That is a habituated pattern in the brain. The brain simply wants to conserve our energy. So if it recognizes a pattern that is reoccurring and it also has strong emotion attached to it, it knows, oh, that's an attention grabbing thought pattern. It will literally, the brain will make it so that we can't forget it. It thinks it's so important that it will keep running it. So our stories. I hate to use that word, but really, no, I don't hate to use that word. I don't want to invalidate people's experiences, but I just want you to know, because I know this from a place of personal experience, and I'm sure this is going to resonate with some of you as a person with ADHD, with a late diagnosis. My ruminating patterns, and they're not just patterns, so they're thoughts. Random thoughts. Thoughts are of no consequences unless a single thought is of no consequence. Thoughts just arise and they go. If they're then which the brain does, the ego does. Identification will tag on another thought. Then we're off on the train, and they come from nowhere. But if we get on that train and we keep on riding it, I'm not good enough. I can't do this. Everyone hates me. This becomes the narrative, the story of our life. And it might be really very much under the hood, but it is running the show, and the brain simply recognize it with no emotion. The brain is not thinking, Kate is feeling really bad. It's thinking, my God, this is important. This needs attention. This is the pattern. This is what we put down. This is what we lay down. It's like going through a forest on the same well walked trail. It just gets wider and deeper and deeper, and we need to put a roadblock in that path and create another path which is obviously, at first, full of brambles and thorns and difficult to clear, but we can clear it. So this is so important because let me just give you a practical example. Just take a breath for a moment and just notice your next thought. Now, a thought can come in many ways which you might not have thought of. It can come as a narrative, like, I call the narrative commentating on what you're doing, what needs to happen next. There can be, like, a performer I call, like a rehearser that is actually rehearsing everything, things, random thoughts, and go into absolute detail of a conversation that you're rehearsing with a person that you will never have. And that conversation, those words come with then feelings that are attached to that conversation that never happened, that never is going to happen. So we could be in our garden, having a lovely time, being quite mindful, being present, really noticing the colors, the grass. And then we can remember the conversation on Friday where our boss, a new boss, made a little sly comment. Or was it sly? But yes, it was sly. I think it was sly. You know what? He's really rude. I won't bet he doesn't like you, so. Oh, I bet he doesn't like you. And I bet he's going to give you the sack. I bet he's waiting to get your little three points so you can be on a final notice and then Sarah will come in and take your job. So what I'm going to do is on Monday, I'm going to really give them a peace of my mind. This is what I'm going to say. This and Phil. And you know what? I feel really upset about this. I feel really ****** upset about this. I don't deserve this. This is disgusting. This never happened. It probably never will happen. The boss was probably distracted, had no concept of you or was thinking of you really in any way, shape or form, because he was thinking about his wife and what he was going to kind of tell her. And along we go, thought after thought after thought. So these random thoughts become beliefs, and these beliefs become who we think we are. And can you see how crazy this is and how we're so identified we don't even realize that this is how we're running. This is the automated system. This is another reason why one of the ways in is some kind of meditation practice. And I am saying that to you because obviously it has worked for me. But I just want to give you a very, another clear example of when this began for me. Now, I was about 22 and I had got my dream job of performing all over the world. And I was on a beach in Cabo Saint Lucas, which is Mexico. And I remember it clearly. I remember I felt extreme suffering. I was trapped in my own head. All I could think about was how awful I was, how fat I was, how everybody else was so much better than me that it was never going to get better. When this job ended, I wasn't not going to get another one where I was going to live. I'm a failure. I'm 22 and I was in the most beautiful, one of the most beautiful beaches in the world doing a job that I had auditioned for and got through from hundreds of people. I was with lovely people and this was my suffering. Now out of desperation, when we stopped next, I can't remember where we were, but I got a book from somewhere which was about mindfulness meditation, Buddhists. And I knew nothing about really anything to do with meditative practice, mindfulness. But because I was so desperate and I was so in need of my brain to stop that I read the book and started practicing. And I realized at that point, 22 years old, that when I was kind of breathing and still and had found a little space, I did not suffer yet. As soon as I put the book away, the practice are finished. And I went on with my shows or whatever I was doing at the time, suffering immediately back. And how could this be that I could feel the space and the peace and the misery and the hell. It was there, it was available. But soon as I started thinking and believing my thoughts, I was back in hell. Now, this sounds pretty obvious, right? But is it? Is it obvious to you now that your thoughts could be putting you in a prison, a mental construct of real pain and misery? Really want you to invite you to go deeper with this, because obviously meditation or anything like that, inquiring into the mind one thought at a time, it is worth the work. This is part of the work that I do with people. But also I've got the added benefit of utilizing the hypnosis, the magic of hypnosis, by kind of getting past the critical factor of the brain to a more kind of deeper state of brainwave where the chatter subsides and we can kind of create new narratives, new stories. But just by simply noticing is the first point, is the first insight into realizing the incredible ridiculousness of our thoughts most of the time. Yeah. And as people with ADHD that have got so many ingrained negative narratives, this is the way in. This is it. This is it for me. This is one of the biggest components. And I know you've probably heard of Eckhart Tolle and maybe Adio Shante or any of the Buddhists, but this is what they mean by the people that want to be enlightened or live that and be awake and be peaceful. This is like an extreme version, obviously, but this is what they're talking about, the reactivity to thought. Thoughts. There's nothing wrong with thoughts. It's our relationship to thought that is the issue. Thoughts are like any other of the senses, like our sight, our sound, our knowing, our touching. They're another one of the senses. But we attach ourselves to the sounds and make meaning out of the random thoughts, the thought that tags onto the other thought, and then we're creating this trap of suffering. So if we can just let thoughts arise and just be there, they're never going to go away. The mind thinks, right? That's its job. But if we can kind of curate or cultivate this neutrality with our thoughts, even 50% of the time, you would notice a huge, huge difference. So let me give you another example. Before, and this was me over and over again, literally habituating my thoughts, my experiences, my conversations about what it was going to be like when I go home tonight. And he's going to be like that, and then he's going to say that because that's the way it always is and blah, blah, blah, blah. There's so many levels to this. Firstly, there's a conversation that never happened. The thoughts that are just arising and I'm getting into and creating an emotional response and lots of pain and suffering. And then there's the fact that already I am waiting and have created emotional responses in my physical system that are really not in alignment with who I want to be or what I want to feel. And lastly, it's absolute bullshit. And this is how we play out our lives. So surely it's worth attempting to really, really dig into this, to untangle, to disentangle. And I would love to know your experience of starting to do this process because I think you'd be really shocked if you haven't done it already. And if you have and you put it to bed, pick it up again and put the thoughts down, or just allow the thoughts, friendly thoughts are not, are the enemy. Thoughts are thoughts. It's our relationship to them and our reactivity. Okay, so I think that I have said enough. Just a little recap on rediscovering your essence, who you really are at a core level. What lights you up, what makes you feel alive, what makes you strong. Knowing that there's much more to you than you will ever know. Or maybe you've made it a mission to find out and that hypnosis can help you so find it, that thoughts are not the enemy, but they need to be disentangled. The identification with our thoughts, believing that that's who we are. When you start to start to really look at this, it will blow your mind. So love you. It's freezing here in the. Am I always say this? I mean, those of you in the States and Canada, which actually more than half our audience are from, and listening to you must just think, my God, why doesn't the poor girl get a fire or put the heating on? Well, let me tell, it's very, very cold here in the UK at the moment. But I'm healthy, I'm happy. I'm not believing all of my thoughts. I am really enjoying my life and love hearing from you. There's a few people that message me and I always respond to my emails and it's so lovely, such a privilege to talk to you and find out more about you. And I love getting photos. I love seeing who you are and who your families are and what you love and all the details. I love that. So thank you so much for listening, for joining us. Thank you for joining us. I hope you enjoyed the episode. If you would like more of this kind of stuff, join us at we love pupil school for people that want to create lasting relationships, great communication and build a life that means that they can be fully themselves. Thank you for listening. Evening.