Hidden Rules & Secret Expectation's: How We Can End Our Own Anger And Hurt

Katie Stibbs: Solo Episode

How  Agitation Around  My Big Birthday Inspired This Inquiry

Show Notes:

I talk about friendship and  inspiring  amazing women in my life
Jo Parkes https://theplace.org.uk/profile/jo-parkes
https://www.joparkes.com/

• Exploring how our expectations around important events, people, and situations can cause us feelings of huge disappointment, hurt, and anger.
• Why this happens, and what we can do about it.
• How voicing our true desires, yearnings, and wishes can be a powerful antidote to presuming our loved ones can read our minds.
• Do you actually like surprises or only the surprises you like?

I offer you:
A simple exercise to change the way you relate to your difficult emotions,
And a set of powerful questions for self-inquiry. that tap into your innate wisdom.

 Find Katie Here:
 Email: info@katiestibbs.com

Website:https://www.katiestibbs.com/

Powerful change work to return you to your most empowered resourceful state 
Practical protocols: To change any habits behaviors and thought processes and beliefs
that are holding you back, from experiencing your desired life

Tools to simplify your life and achieve happy success by embracing your authentic self.

Transcript

Speaker A: Hello and welcome to the podcast Ambitious ADHD, where we aim to change the conversation around neurodiversity, to talk about our challenges, our strengths, but to really learn to finally be ourselves because everyone else has taken hello and welcome again to this episode of Ambitious ADHD. I am really reflecting this month on my life, so I hope you don't mind me sharing because hopefully it will somehow resonate with you, because I had a big birthday a couple of weeks ago. It was my 50th birthday and I normally have a kind of gathering on my birthday because it is February and people are in the UK, cold and wet and feeling a little bit miserable. So I always see it as an opportunity to get people together that haven't perhaps seen each other for ages. But this year there was obviously a resistance in me, and I'm not sure what that was, but I could feel it. And maybe it was the little girl in me that wanted everything to be done for me and for somebody to make it into a super special occasion. And this is what this episode is a little bit about how we can really sabotage our own happiness when we are unable to navigate our expectations. And this is strange because I knew, and obviously because of the work that I do with other people. So much easier to do it with other people. But I was very aware of the potential for expectation around this birthday, so I really was in the run up to it, reflecting, being curious, trying to mitigate any hidden agendas or feelings that were arising in me, and being super honest with myself. And I came to the conclusion that I was going to celebrate through the whole year and really make it an intention to really see people again. As I've said in other episodes, revisiting friendships and making the effort to see the people that I love and that light me up was a huge intention anyway, so that is how I had come to think of it. In my mind, however, it didn't quite turn out like that, because I was harboring this secret expectation that just on a small level, that I would be having some kind of surprise or being thought about, and not in a big party way. That wasn't it. But anyway, the long and short of it was I expected my partner to have remembered and got something planned for the weekend when it was my actual birthday. In hindsight, he had other things planned, but because my expectation was very specific and I had not made it clear for many reasons, because we'd had a really tricky time in funerals and lots of traveling, but there was that hidden expectation that was unvoiced, that created miscommunication. And I know that I am not the only one because I hear it with the people that I work with. I have conversations about it with friends. So I just think this is really worth considering because not only is it a human experience, but because of the big emotional response in most of us with ADHD, it adds an added complexity and potential for real suffering and missed opportunities, really. So I think this is really important, which is why I wanted to talk about it, as I have experienced this myself in the last two weeks. This week, for example, has been incredible for me because I have set the intention to see my friends, to travel more. And so I've just returned from Bristol, which is in the west of the UK, seeing my friend Joe now, Joe Parks. I hope she doesn't mind me mentioning on her, but she's incredible and I have not seen her for a long, long time. She's been living in Germany, in Berlin, and she has relocated here. And we used to dance together. So I've known her since I was probably about 1214 years old. And the opportunity off the cuff, we kind of started messaging each other on WhatsApp. And then I said to her, literally on Friday, are you around on Monday? I haven't got my kids. It's half term. I'm going to seize this opportunity. And yes. She said yes. So I drove to Bristol and it was. I just cannot tell you how beautiful it was. It really was medicine. I mean, not only can the people that you know from childhood really bring out in you this sense of history and being seen and understood on a deep level because they've known you for so many years, but obviously the memories and the dancing, because we used to go to nightclubs together and really enjoy ourselves. And it was just the most incredibly enriching two days. Now I've got to just talk about how proud I am of my friend Jo Parks because firstly, she got a double first at Oxford in English and German, which in itself is an incredible, incredible feat. But then she went on to get a Fulbright scholarship in UCLA for choreography, a special award because her love was dance. And now she has created an MA course at the place in London. And I can't remember the title of it, but it's dancing community and it's incredible. She's done such incredible work. She's won one of the most prestigious, well, the prestigious awards in Germany a few years ago for dance. And she goes out into communities and brings people together and creates work through movement and people's experience. And she is freaking awesome. What a woman. So I really wanted to say that firstly, expanding my horizons, reaching out. I have the pleasure and the absolute gratitude for being around incredible women that fuel my soul, that remember, that remind me who I really am. And we were equally as much in appreciation as each other. So I just want to say, for anybody that is considering stopping, doing what they normally do and getting out and about, it is well worth it. And then yesterday, I went to London on the train and saw a friend that I've never met in person, Andrea, who is an amazing coach who lives in Prague. And she, over kind of a six month period, put together a summit for women online, got us all together through loads of hard work for no monetary compensation, just for the love. She's just the most incredible, beautiful soul. And brought all of us together. And I knew she was in London for a few days. So I hopped on a train, I took a heartfelt gift that I'd made from one of my shells and a necklace from the. And I just wanted to say thank you to her. To just say that you are loved and appreciated. And it was known mean feat trying to herd cats, which what it must feel like, in my opinion, and create this beautiful online summit that just enable people, us women, to see and to learn and to just be with each other. And then this will go on, this will continue. But she had no expectation. She did it for no Montreal value, but she just kept on turning up and creating and doing. So. I just wanted to say thank you to Andrea Kilnikova. So that is how my week has kind of continued to be, in this amazing loving space of reconnecting and being with incredible women. But let me just come onto or back to the fact that when we set expectations for ourselves internally that then aren't met, we can create in ourselves, in our own experience, enormous suffering. And the irony was for me, and it's not lost on me at all, is the week before that I kind of lost my own **** about my own birthday, was that I had warned my client about this very thing, because I could see in her this kind of feigned nonchalance about what was going to happen. So there was this kind of hidden fear or worry around this big up and coming birthday for her. And she said to me, oh, I've got nothing planned. I don't know what's going to happen. And I've spoken to that friend, and I've spoken to this friend and I just looked at her and I said to her, I have got a real feeling here that you are expecting somebody to create something special for you on your birthday, whether that's a surprise party or being whisked away for the weekend. And she just looked at me through narrow dice. It was really funny. And she literally exploded. Yes, I effing well do expect them to do. And we just started laughing because this is something that we do, don't we? This is something that we tend to do. And I said to her, listen, can I offer you a suggestion that you speak to your bestie? Because I think she lives away on Zoom and just get the information that you need, get her to raise an eyebrow or give you a sign. It doesn't have to be in words, so that you can really get the information that you need, or you go inward and be really curious and honest with yourself and make it okay. Kind of reconcile that it might be not what you hope for and kind of reconcile yourself to that. So I don't know what the outcome is of what actually has happened yet. But she said, right, yeah, I can understand what you're saying. And I think that's probably the right thing to do because we really have these requirements, these rules, these ideas, these plans, and have these really strong expectations. And then we are creating this kind of internal volcano within ourselves, the hurt, the anger, the feelings of not being loved, not being good enough. And we have real ideas and expectations of what people should and shouldn't be doing for us. And at the end of the day, we are the ones that end up suffering. So what if we could make it clear, firstly for others, what we really desire, what we are expecting and have very clear discussions, voice what we would really like. It could be the gift that we really love, or the trip that we would love to take and not expect our partners and our friends to be mind readers. And we have this kind of childish, romantic notion that if people can't read our minds, they can't love us and they don't understand us? Well, I really have to call bullshit on that. That does not work. And we really need to reconsider and realize that there are other options available to us that are much more healthy, that can also become a habit. And they just stop this kind of endless, repetitive cycle of being disappointed and then suffering. So why don't we tell people what we have secretly yearned for? Why do we turn it into, he doesn't love me, he doesn't like me, he doesn't get me, I'm obviously not special enough because we all do it. We hurt ourselves, we ruin our own opportunity to enjoy this moment and we become bitter and twisted and not very nice. And then we act out and then we ruin things for other people. And then we have massive regret over our reactions and behaviors. And I always remember Brene Brown talking about this and I think it's worth sharing. And she describes know when her and her now husband Steve got together and they just moved in together and it was her birthday, and how it was always in her family, a tradition that people really made a fuss of you on your birthday, that you've got balloons and a cake and the room was decorated. Well, you can imagine what occurred on this first birthday of hers while they were living together. Steve didn't know any of this. He knew none of the assumptions, he knew none of the rules. She just thought that's how people celebrated their birthdays. So she was devastated when her expectations were not met. The mind goes wild in these situations and it matches up. As I said, on previous episodes, the mind takes a snapshot, a copy, the memory, and it just literally matches it to all the other times that this has happened, any similar occasions. And the emotion that arises in us can be literally like a volcano exploding. So this is really worth considering, isn't it? How do we change this reaction, this cycle, this habituated pattern? Well, first thing is to notice when it is happening in your life. So are there certain people, certain situations, certain times in your life when this is reoccurring, when this tends to happen, and just bringing this very curious awareness and seeing is the first step. This is an opportunity for us to create new roadmaps. So in the case of Brene Brown and her husband, in hindsight, when they were calm and they were able to sit down and discuss these assumptions and rules which we all have, that are hidden, often not voiced, that literally burn a hole in our souls, then we can make a roadmap and we can put the seeding resentments, as my friend Claire in New Zealand would put it, we can externalize, we can put them on the can. They don't have to fester any longer. And when we can voice them in a calm way, then we can soothe ourselves, you know, so this is an invitation for you and for me. I'm always doing this work to be really honest with ourselves. Where are we holding on to? Any unhealthy, seething resentments, any reoccurring patterns? Because, as I said, anything that's repetitive, the brain will put into our unconscious mind and automate it. So let me remind you of that. And when have we got any ideas of how it should be what it should be like, what it shouldn't be like, what they should be doing, what they should be saying, how they should be behaving. When we just put it plainly, like this, when we drop any shoulds, any idea that another person should act or be a certain way we can really grow and allow ourselves to end our own suffering. So just noticing the patterns, the thinking that goes with it, then the feelings that arise, and then the behaviors that we take part in that are causing us to hurt ourselves is the first level of bringing, making this awareness conscious. We bring it up, we bring it conscious into our conscious mind. And just imagine for a moment, if you can, because this is important. When this big feeling comes, whether it's anger or frustration or hurt, try and bring it out of the head. Because oftentimes, as ADHD women, we're in our heads, really want you or invite you to bring it down into your body to notice where are you feeling it in your body. So that is, first, is being aware that it's happening, that it's a pattern, possibly that it's a person that's activating you or triggering you. Then when the feeling arises, where is it in your body? Is it in your chest? What are the sensations? And allow this feeling to be there. We're not going to just stomp all over it, just pretend it's not there and move on. Well, that's difficult for many of us anyway. But the next step is to see if you cannot attach words to it, a story, a meaning, a rumination. Because when we can be more with an uncomfortable emotion, we can let it be, and it moves through us much quicker. It's gone. From a scientific point of view, any emotion lasts no longer than 90 seconds, maximum. But it's the rumination and the meanings that we give it, the stories that creates this kind of looping, painful cycle that I'm sure most of you recognize here. So be aware that this pattern is happening. Notice next time the feeling comes, where is it in my body? What are the sensations allowing it to be there? Without a narrative, a story, a meaning, because that perpetuates this emotional cycle into sometimes hours and hours of pain and suffering. So just doing this alone, we can realize what is happening and that we can change the way that we relate to ourselves, our feelings. We have agency, and so we can ease and soothe ourselves. And just this very simple exercise can down regulate our nervous system. We can start creating our own emotional safety and security. So when we come back to this idea or this experiencing of these spiraling emotions, we can notice what has happened. We can come out of our heads, bring our attention to noticing the sensations in the body, allowing the feeling without words, and we can ground ourselves into our feet. So imagining, just literally bringing your attention into your feet, bringing your attention into your feet, taking a breath in, exhaling twice as long, this immediately down regulates your nervous system. And we can say to ourselves, simple words, I'm safe, I am loved, I am supported, or anything that resonates with you that kind of grounds you out of this spiraling into kind of this grounded, earth like stability of energy. And I have found that this simple practice is so helpful, so helpful for most people, and it really does work, and it can be done anywhere, anytime, any place. So I really invite you to just get into your body, stop the narrative, stop the spiraling thoughts. And this alone can be a total game changer. Not saying this is easy, this is habitual. We have been doing this probably for most of our lives, but it doesn't mean it has to be this way. There are so many examples of being able to change in this way, to be able to meet our emotions and allow them without letting them spiral out of control so our seething resentment and anger and hurt doesn't explode and ruin our beautiful, beautiful lives. So I'd also like to offer you some questions to think about, to ruminate on and who doesn't love. A good question that kind of can get right in there and dive into our innate wisdom about ourselves that we potentially might have forgotten that was there. So I do love a good question. So the first question I would love to ask you is, if my body could talk, what would it say? And just really kind of ruminate and really think about that. Let it bed in. Second question, what does unconditional love look like for you? And what would you do if you loved yourself unconditionally? And how can you act on these things that have come up? And we're often so good at looking after others and putting lots of people first, that this is a really good question. Name a compassionate way you've supported a friend recently, and then write down how you can do the same for yourself. And I really invite you to do that, and I am going to do it. Also, another question, what do you love about lifestyle? And a statement, I really wish others knew this about me. What do you really want people to know about you? What always brings tears to your eyes? And there's a little kind of aside here that, as Paul Coelho has said, tears are words that need to be written. Write about a time when work felt real to you, necessary and satisfying, paid or unpaid, professional or domestic, physical or mental. Using ten words, describe yourself what has surprised you the most about your life in general and make a list of everything that inspires you, from books to websites to quotes to people to paintings, and remind yourself of these last question I'm going to ask you. I feel happiest in my skin when dot, dot, dot and take the time to reflect on these. I do love a good question and would love to know which of those resonated with you. So here ends this episode. I am so grateful that you are still listening. My intention is to carry on through the year surrounding myself by amazing women, taking the opportunity to visit and go out of my comfort zone. Because really, I know from just this last few weeks that it gives me so much energy, it gives me so much inspiration. It reminds me of who I really am and it really is transformational. So remember that we can change the way that we respond. Let's not create or make hidden rules and assumptions and judgments about the way things should be because it causes great suffering for ourselves. And it doesn't have to be that way. We can actually say what we want. We can discuss, we can voice our desires and our needs, and we can discuss and brainstorm and not create this internal volcano. So I'm hoping you enjoyed this. I'm hoping it resonates with you. Because the most in flow and released from any suffering or pain we can be in our lives, the more creative, the more resourceful, the more potential that we can tap into. Because we're not wasting our energy and our time on suffering. Sending you love and I will speak to you soon. Thank you for joining us. I hope you enjoyed the episode. If you would like more of this kind of stuff, join us at we love pupil school. For people that want to create lasting relationships, great communication and build a life that means that they can be fully themselves. Thank you for listening.