Invisible No More.

We unpack the invisible child: how being the “easy kid” can mask unmet emotional needs, shape adult attachment, and erode self-trust. We share practical tools—somatic check-ins, values work, boundaries, and self-compassion—to rebuild identity and receive care.

• defining the invisible child and common family contexts
• how praise for responsibility becomes a survival role
• signs in adulthood: people-pleasing, numbness, loneliness
• fearful-avoidant patterns and toxic dynamics risk
• somatic skills to feel instead of overthink
• values work as identity and boundary scaffolding
• practicing self-compassion and learning to receive
• nuanced repair with parents without black-and-white thinking
• choosing safe relationships and building found family

If you would like to work with somebody Kaylee is an amazing therapist here and really has great perspective around the parent-child relationship regardless of what age you find yourself in the parenting journey

To learn more about Kaylee and the work she does, see her bio below:

https://www.risetherapycenter.com/kaylee

Thank you for tuning into And Still WE Rise! If you would like to learn more about me or the work our practice is doing, feel free to follow us on Instagram at:

@atltherapygirl and @risetherapycenter

Or check us out at www.risetherapycenter.com

Disclaimer: And Still We Rise is meant to provide perspective and meaningful conversations around mental health topics. It is not meant to provide specific therapeutic advise to individuals. If anything in these podcasts resonates, ASWR recommends consulting with your individual therapist or seeking a referral from your primary care physician.

Chapters

• 0:00 Framing The Invisible Child
• 1:44 Overlooked Needs And Family Stress
• 3:49 Praise As A Survival Strategy
• 5:15 Losing Preferences And Self-Trust
• 6:14 Numbing Feelings And Identity Gaps
• 7:20 People-Pleasing And Validation Seeking
• 9:05 Attachment Patterns In Adult Relationships
• 11:36 Susceptibility To Toxic Dynamics
• 13:22 Learning To Feel: Somatic Tools
• 15:15 Values Work And Boundaries
• 17:12 Self-Compassion And Receiving
• 18:55 Nuanced Repair With Parents
• 21:05 Choosing Safe Relationships And Found Family
• 25:45 Closing And Therapy Resources

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hello and welcome back to Unstill We Rise. I'm your host Christine Seidel, and today we have returning with us Kaylee Finley. She is one of our psychotherapists here at Rise Therapy Center, and we are going to link one of her previous videos so that you can read more about her bio. So today we're going to talk about a really interesting subject that, you know, especially with all of the new trends around emotionally mature parents and going in contact and you know, really just kind of talking about you know adulthood and how we are navigating relationships with parents and really kind of unraveling some of our experiences in childhood. We're going to talk about the concept of the invisible child. So to start, can you let us know like what exactly is the invisible child?

SPEAKER_01: 0:44

So the invisible child is kind of the kid in the family that was really kind of overlooked. It's you know, I think that a lot of times we associate like the middle child with being overlooked. And the invisible child doesn't have to be the middle child, but I feel like I see a lot of times it is the middle child who kind of like reports feeling like this. But overall the idea of an invisible child is that they were just kind of not seen throughout childhood, right? And that's not always like intentional by the parents. It may be that they had marital stress going on or financial stress or job stress or their own mental health stuff, or sometimes I see this with um well adults now, but like you know, kids who grew up with a sibling who had higher support needs. Um, and so like the parents had to tend to these other issues and factors, and it left the child feeling invisible that their needs weren't met. Maybe they had all their safety needs, right? But they weren't emotionally attuned to.

SPEAKER_00: 1:51

Yeah, I think that's a really good point. I mean, we often hear about the middle child syndrome, right? Like they always feel like they're kind of sandwiched in the oldest and the youngest, and they don't get as much attention. But this can also happen in in families where maybe there's only one child, and the parents have, you know, high financial stress or situational stress, and their just availability is is really hard to find, or maybe it's you know, two children and you know, one has medical needs or concerns that are chronic that the parents have to kind of just situationally attune to. Um, but that it's not necessarily this intentional thing that parents do. Sometimes it can be parents' emotional unavailability or you know, their own projection of their own stuff that makes them unavailable for the child, but it doesn't necessarily have to be something that parents are you know intentionally trying to cause. Um, and we want to kind of talk about that as we as we talk about the trends of fractures in the parent-child relationship. That we want to honor not all of these situations are you know done from such a malicious intent.

SPEAKER_01: 2:57

Yeah, and I think that's where it like becomes frustrating for both like the parent in the situation and the usually now adult child, when that adult child is trying to voice this and the parents responding with, well, I did the best I could. It's like yes, that can be true, yeah, while also these needs were not met, and I think that's where that like defensiveness from like the parent side comes in, but also with especially with this invisible child wound, yeah, where they start guessing, second guessing their own experiences, which we know as we talk about, like you'll see with the invisible child is such a like core thing of not like trusting themselves and their experience. Yeah, and so then when they're met with like, well, I did the best I could, or like I don't remember it that way, then it reinforces this like doubt of like, wow, maybe I'm ungrateful, or you know, maybe like voicing this isn't safe.

SPEAKER_00: 3:54

Yeah, and I think a lot of times, especially with the clients that I work with, you know, they don't really recognize that this was an issue until they come to therapy. Yeah, you know, because a lot of times, you know, children can be praised for being the easy child, right? Like, you know, you're so easy, you you always know what to do, you're always you know so responsible. You're such a good helper. Yes, such a great helper, that's another one. And really that's a survival strategy that we we pick up in childhood is that you know, if there's not really the availability for my emotional needs to be met, then I will find ways to meet them myself, you know. And so sometimes we wear that as a badge of honor going into adulthood, like you know, I was I was always self-sufficient, I knew how to take care of things, you know, and it's not until they're doing a little bit of this therapeutic work that they're like, wait a minute, that maybe not be as healthy as I thought it was. So, how does this manifest into behaviors into adulthood, or even like how does it start kind of presenting in childhood?

SPEAKER_01: 4:54

I think you know, if we look at it starting in childhood, it's you know, we kind of talked about those common phrases in the hearing of like, you know, you're such a good helper, like we don't have to worry about you. Or that's a big one, yeah. Yeah, you're so responsible. And it might be like that child just picks up on the stress in the family and says, Okay, well, I don't want that stress, like that's uncomfortable. This makes the whole environment feel unsafe. Yeah, I don't want to contribute to that. So anything that I say needs to keep the peace. So if they've seen that like a sibling saying, like, you know, well, I don't like that for dinner, and that turns into a big fight, yeah, well, they're gonna like everything you put in front of them because they don't want that fight.

SPEAKER_02: 5:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 5:41

Uh and that can, you know, even I think you know, people can say like, well, that's such a small thing, but it's like it grows into that over the patterns to where, you know, I've worked with clients who are like, well, I don't know if I even like this. And it's like, like they can't trust their own judgment of like, do I like this or do I just tolerate it? And so it's like, well, let's eat a piece of broccoli and say, sit with yourself, be like, did I like that or did I not? Right. Right? And it can show up as that.

SPEAKER_00: 6:14

That is that's such an important point to make is that you know, oftentimes the invisible child becomes detached from their own emotional needs. And that first part is emotions, right? Their own emotions around things. And you know, I I've worked with a lot of clients that either while they're in childhood or as they navigate into teen and adult years, a lot of them have talked about you know being a sibling of, say, a child, a sibling who was chronically ill or had like a terminal, or not terminal, but like illness that really needed significant treatment, and how they learned to just navigate not having any feelings because there was just so much need and capacity for the parents for the other child, and part of the work that they come to do is like I don't even know how I feel about things, yeah, and or feeling guilty around having emotions or having you know preferences or needs.

SPEAKER_02: 7:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 7:11

So how does this what do you see when people come to therapy with the invisible child?

SPEAKER_01: 7:18

A lot of people pleasing, right? A lot of like, you know, well, whatever makes everyone else happy, right? Or like, you know, a lot of also like external validation seeking. True, yeah. Um I think a lot of that like reassurance too of like, no, it's okay for you to feel that way, or even just like being like, well, am I like doing this right? Like, is this what happened? And just like doubting themselves and wanting like someone to say, like, no, that experience was real because there's a lack of trust in themselves. Yeah, like you know, you shouldn't need me to say, like, no, that was the real thing you experienced, right? Or like it's okay that you're angry. I mean, of course, I'm happy to do that, but it's also like why why can't you trust yourself of like, hey, that hurt your feelings? Like, what's stopping them from saying, like, no, this upset me?

SPEAKER_00: 8:13

Yeah, I think that's it's really interesting, especially in in childhood, where the permission to have feelings, the permission to have a voice, may have never been given. And even working with adults, like, especially adults that have some pretty significant emotional neglect is you know, coming into a space and like processing that they don't have to feel guilty just because they, you know, want to feel loved, or they don't have to feel guilty because they feel like they want to speak up. It's like the want versus the should, you know, and there's a lot of shame around having emotional needs, and for some people they'll avoid uh like avoid connection so that they they don't have to be in the discomfort of having to even express that. I think that's a big piece of the invisible child is really being harmed by not having the space to access their own feelings, and whether that's through neglect or whether that's just through availability through stressful times, like that is such an important piece of childhood development.

SPEAKER_01: 9:18

Yeah, and I think for like those adults who come in talking about it, they they may not have the word of invisible child, but they'll use things to describe like how lonely they feel, yeah, even in relationships or how disconnected they feel, or like how just you know they don't feel like they have a strong sense of identity because their identity has been built around pleasing other people. And so like that chronic loneliness.

SPEAKER_00: 9:44

Yeah, and a chronic sense of not knowing how something feels. Like that's definitely something like adults working on some of their relationship patterns. Yeah, you know, when I talk about like the characteristics or traits of healthy relationships, they'll be like, I just don't even know what that would feel like. I don't even know what it would feel like to have that. And so just this real like void of emotional um attunement within themselves, you know. So I think oftentimes like adults will talk about like us almost feeling numb at times. Well, I don't even know how I feel or um a void of and oftentimes like the fear of being vulnerable enough to have to have um feelings andor emotional needs. So what does that look like, especially in adulthood when it comes to like attachment and especially like romantic or intimate relationships? How does the invisible child what is the pattern that it falls or they fall into when they are coming into a relationship if that hasn't really been addressed?

SPEAKER_01: 10:51

Yeah, I think there's a lot of like ignoring like ignoring their own needs because they don't even know what those needs are and taking on this like caregiver role for the other person. And I I'm almost inclined to like you speak to it too, to say like it's almost an avoidant tree, right? Yes, very low. You know, I think we tend to think of these like people pleasers as more on the anxious side, yeah. Which I think they are, yeah, except for yeah, they can. It's a lot of like the fearful avoidance or of this disorganized like wanting to be close but not knowing how to be, but only and only wanting to be close through tending to someone else's needs.

SPEAKER_00: 11:28

Yeah, through the they're the other person's needs, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 11:31

And the other person's emotions, right? Not their own, because that's scary and that's not allowed, and like that could cause problems for that person. It doesn't matter if it causes problems for them, yeah, because they can handle it. Right, self-sufficient, yeah. We don't have to worry about you, right? Yeah, and so they can handle all that discomfort, um, but they don't trust that anyone else can.

SPEAKER_00: 11:56

Yeah, and I I've actually seen even with some of the fearful avoidance, like finding things to connect that feels like feelings, like you know, whether that's sex or caretaking or overfunctioning, um, because of the absence or the void of knowing what real attunement and attendance is or the reciprocity of a relationship, it can also create you know complete avoidance, like I'm just gonna avoid a relationship, or I'm gonna find ways to seek what I feel like is emotional connection or emotions around something that can actually be pretty harmful and self-destructive. So um that's definitely something I think in you know, if you're outdating or if you're in relationships, like it's so important to get feedback, you know, around you know, how is somebody experiencing me? Yeah, you know, how is somebody um providing a reflection to me that I need to be conscious of?

SPEAKER_01: 12:51

And asking, like, what does this person bring to my life and not just what am I bringing for this person's life? Because I guess they tend to really view it in the way of like, well, like I feel good when I'm doing this for them and stuff. And it's like, okay, yeah, like we feel good taking care of other people, but what are what are they adding to your life?

SPEAKER_00: 13:11

I think that's a really good point because I do feel like the invisible child is highly susceptible to manipulation too, and very susceptible to toxic relationship patterns because if you feel kind of this void in your own emotions, you're open to somebody's projection, right? And so you know being kind of told in childhood, you're the easy child, this is what you are, like being told who who you are, you're just as susceptible in intimate relationships to be open to receiving what somebody is saying your identity is, right? So you can really get into some pretty toxic cycles if you are not aware of what harmful relationships kind of look like. Yeah, so there's that like completely avoid or get into some very chaotic toxic dynamics because of that um lack of real attunement to yourself.

SPEAKER_01: 14:02

Yeah, and I think that's also where we would see someone who's like a serial monogamous. Yeah. Because they don't want to sit with themselves. Yeah, they don't know who they're sitting with. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 14:13

They have to learn how to sit with themselves. So that brings us to how do you work through this? You know, when you say sit with yourself, some may be like, well, I did sit with myself for like 10 minutes and I didn't, you know, I was bored.

unknown: 14:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 14:26

Well, yeah, and that also ties into like, you know, we are teaching people how to feel their feelings. Yeah. Because I think as a whole, like as a culture, like we've got really good at intellectualizing our feelings and being like overintellectualizing, yeah. I feel this way because of this. Okay, yeah, you're right. Yeah, that's also not feeling your feelings. Correct.

SPEAKER_00: 14:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 14:49

Uh which people get it's that's a that's a dust-dricking thing for some people, that's glass shattering for people. But it's okay, where does it feel in my body? Yeah, where do I feel in my body? What is this feeling trying to tell me? Yeah. Like, if I, for example, me, I tend to feel anxiety in my throat. So when I am anxious and I sit with that feeling of anxiety in my throat, yeah, I can close my eyes and I can focus on that. Say, okay, what does this anxiety need right now? And that's sitting with your feelings and feeling it and saying, like, I'm anxious because of this.

SPEAKER_02: 15:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 15:25

And this is what I need right now.

SPEAKER_00: 15:28

Like, I think that whole that whole point of over-intellectualizing is such, I think, a really important thing to note within the therapeutic community now. And we've we've had a lot of a wave of somatics and people learning to be in their body and to feel the feelings, and you know, I think it's amazing. But I I think for over-intellectualizers, even that feels sometimes too much, right? What do you mean? Like, okay, so I'm in my body, what do I do? And the overintellectualizer is like, what do I do? How do I fix this? You know, what do I need to figure out? And so I think that permission, especially from the therapeutic relationship, to be like, okay, just be an observer of yourself right now.

SPEAKER_01: 16:08

We don't need to fix our feelings.

SPEAKER_00: 16:10

Yeah. Like, what if you have permission to not fix or do or figure anything out right now? You know, what what are you observing within your body about this feeling? And I love it. You said, you know, I feel a lot of my you know, feelings in my throat when you know I'm maybe needing to attune to something. Yeah. And I love checking the body and being like, what does this part of the body tend to do normally, right? And it might be like, you know, what is it I haven't said? Or what is it I want to say?

SPEAKER_02: 16:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 16:38

Or what is it that needs to be said? You know, asking questions about that part of the body to be an observer, you know, from you know, as an inner child therapist, I love the reparenting, you know, kind of sitting with that little invisible child and asking the questions. What is it you're feeling? Yeah. You know, what do you need to say? What is it that you feel like you need to say? And that but that comes from being in observation of yourself instead of others, you know. The invisible child is so gifted, yeah, honestly, in being an external perceiver of others because in childhood they had to you know scan the environment to make sure everybody else's feelings were addressed. Yeah. So so observing, coming into the body, somatically, um, you know, attuning to that place.

SPEAKER_01: 17:30

What else is I think like finding like things that are part of their identity, like doing some identity work of like even like a values in Victory or something. Like, what do you value? Like what is important to you? Not just like what you feel like should be important, but like what is important to you. I think that values work. Um I love that's really important.

SPEAKER_00: 17:55

Yeah, that's a great place to start because it it really becomes this container. You know, it's a container of like what can I hold myself within. And you know, I don't have to move in and out of the you know, I don't have to move out, and other people don't have to move into my container. This is my container, and values is a great place to start because it's like this is what kind of defines and contains your core identity. Yeah, you know, and that's you know, we don't really for the invisible child, they've never been allowed to be a separate contained self within their family of origin because it's just you know not you know not accepted within that place, or there's not capacity or whatever it is. So oftentimes, and the same thing with like why they're so susceptible to toxic relationships is because they are kind of like open, yeah, an open container.

SPEAKER_01: 18:48

Um so and from a therapeutic from a therapist point of view, I like doing the values work because it is a great framework for me to be able to call them out later. Like you said you value this, yet you're doing that.

SPEAKER_00: 19:02

Yep, yep. And for like healthier relationships, if you know you say you value this about yourself, how does this other person show up in that value? Yeah, you know, and so versus because they're so used to scanning other people's feelings, that's a way to like create this boundary. Yeah, boundaries naturally evolve from our own the standard of values we hold for ourselves. You know, it's not something we put on somebody as a punishment, it's something that just naturally exists. So it is a great way to help them, especially in the dynamics of the relationship with self and the relationship to others.

SPEAKER_01: 19:35

Um I think self-validating too working on that self-validating and that like self-compassion work is a big thing of like not like not feeding that reassurance seeking, like I talked earlier about, but like validating, working on validating themselves and their own experiences, and just saying like you can trust yourself. So I think that like that self-trust is a big thing.

SPEAKER_00: 19:56

Yeah, like giving having that self-compassion, receiving compassion from yourself really gives you permission to to have your feelings, to have your values, to understand a little bit more of your own needs, your own feelings. And if you can do that with yourself, then you can typically go out and do that with others, you know. And I think a big piece of the invisible child's wound is their discomfort with receiving. You know, it's so unfamiliar to receive attunement and attendance because it just wasn't there in childhood. So, you know, when they are adults, like having somebody proactively give attunement and attendance feels super uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_02: 20:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 20:41

And so that is such a key piece is if you can provide that self-validation, that self-compassion to yourself, you'll be able to receive it from others. You know, this is you know, that you know, very telltale sign is when you try to give somebody a compliment and they're very hesitant to receive it. It's almost like this discomfort of receiving, even the validation or a compliment, because receiving is such an uncomfortable thing for them to experience because it's unfamiliar.

SPEAKER_01: 21:08

Yeah, and I think I see that a lot in therapeutic relationship of when I like start validating their experience of like that must have been really hard. Well, no, it wasn't that bad. Right. And it's like, oh, like that, like that's where I'm like, this is we've hit something. We've hit something, but it's okay if it was. I mean it's not okay, but like it's okay for you to acknowledge that actually it was harmful.

SPEAKER_00: 21:34

So let me throw a question out to you, you know, with the whole trend of you know, like no contact with with families, if if somebody's listening or somebody's watching and they're like, wow, that invisible child, yeah, you know, that really resonates with me, and they're kind of in this difficult fractured place with their parents, what advice would you give them?

SPEAKER_01: 21:54

I would say to remember that it's not all black and white, right? Like we can of old space for the fact that our parents may have felt like they were doing the best they could and it still could have been harmful for us. And I think validating that and not I mean maybe your parent was truly just flat out evil. I I I d if they're watching this I doubt it. No, no. But um but you don't have to villainize them for your experience to be true. And that's not saying like that excuses things. Right. But I think holding that compassion can really be helpful even just for yourself. Yeah. Um but also like your experience was real and they will not remember it the same way you can that's very true. They will not and you can try to make them but you can't and so just remembering that like your experience was real and those feelings that stick with you matter.

SPEAKER_00: 22:57

I think that's really good advice. You know start with that self-compassion show up for yourself in that way. You know oftentimes when we come to realize some things from childhood we want to rush to our parents and be like ah you know you did that to her and of course like their experience is different you're not going to see things the same but if you start with that place of self-compassion and validation that you know they could be doing the best that they can and this was still really harmful and being able to be in that space for a little while before you begin to try and address it I think is one of probably one of the best pieces of advice be especially for the invisible child because that attunement didn't occur like the first place it has to start is within the self so that you can handle whatever is going to be you know coming from the parent if there is a chance for repair and restoration. And I would definitely recommend working with a therapist that is very you know nuanced in parentchild attachment and you know adult parent child attachment because it is it is complicated.

SPEAKER_01: 24:01

It is it is it's hard and um I think it like brings up a lot of difficult conversations and a lot of difficult realizations but I think it's really an important place to start and like our relationship with our parents shapes I mean everything about us right yeah it really does yeah and like it's okay to give it that weight.

SPEAKER_00: 24:23

Absolutely give it that weight come to a place of understanding but then acknowledge that it's okay to choose to do things differently you know for yourself and and and how you reparent within if especially if your parents are not really available to do that repair work with you. That just because that was your experience doesn't mean that that's how you have to continue.

SPEAKER_01: 24:44

So and one of the great things about growing up is like you get to create your own family. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 24:49

Remember when you gotta wait till you're 18 like here's one of the benefits.

SPEAKER_01: 24:52

There are very few right there's barrel taxes can look different. I can yeah yeah you know I think when you're doing all this work and you know we talked about the ways this wound can show up in so many relationships yeah but sometimes there are relationships that are truly safe in your life and like noticing those and like holding all those relationships in your life to that standard.

SPEAKER_00: 25:17

Yeah and you know I I think that that's an important point and and something that's coming up with the topic of you know adult children and parents is you know our how much we've been gaslit about our family of origin. You know blood is thicker than water. And you know I think that these are great conversations to have you know around you know when we do recognize that potentially our family of origin isn't safe it isn't healthy for us to be a participant of it that doesn't leave us out there to be invisible or orphaned or abandoned it's an opportunity to to create the the family that we're meant to be in existence. Well anything else you feel like we need to share about the invisible child?

SPEAKER_01: 25:59

Just know you're not alone and that this experience was real and um that there's professionals out there who are willing to walk with you in this journey.

SPEAKER_00: 26:08

Yes awesome and if you would like to work with somebody Kaylee is an amazing therapist here and really has great perspective around the parent-child relationship regardless of what age you find yourself in the parenting uh journey so thank you for joining us today it's one of our of course we have these conversations just in passing but I'm glad we were able to do it together today. No we had a reason exactly sharing it with other people besides our our hallway. So I appreciate you coming on today we'll have Kaylee on uh for some other conversations around parenting the inner child and the patterns of attachment so thank you for listening thank you for watching we'll see you guys next time take care