Confidently Beautiful with Ciera
Confidently Beautiful with Ciera
Mental Health Through Motherhood: From Fertility to Perimenopause with Lyndsey Troccoli, LMFT
Interview with Lyndsey Troccoli, LMFT
Connect with Lyndsey on Instagram @theraputicallythinking
Lyndsey's website: https://www.maternalmindscounseling.com/
Motherhood transforms us in ways we never imagined—yet the mental health challenges that accompany this transformation often remain hidden beneath layers of shame, comparison, and the pressure to "just focus on the positive." In this deeply personal and illuminating conversation, licensed marriage and family therapist Lyndsey Troccoli guides us through the unique mental health landscape of every motherhood season.
From the silent suffering of fertility struggles to the hormone-fueled rollercoaster of perimenopause, Lyndsey offers both professional insight and lived experience as she addresses the questions many mothers are afraid to ask aloud. What happens when grief and joy collide after pregnancy loss? How can we recognize the difference between "baby blues" and serious postpartum mental health concerns? Why does the mental load of motherhood sometimes make us feel like we're losing our minds?
Perhaps most powerfully, Lyndsey challenges the notion that we must suppress difficult emotions to access positive ones. "There's no reason why you can't be devastatingly sad and totally joyful," she explains, revealing how giving space to all our emotions actually prevents the difficult ones from drowning out our capacity for happiness.
Through practical strategies like creating a "task list" for those who offer help, organizing priorities to eliminate unnecessary shame, and maintaining a daily "proof log" of personal capability, Lyndsey provides a roadmap for navigating motherhood's mental health challenges with greater self-compassion and support.
Whether you're struggling to conceive, drowning in postpartum anxiety, feeling overwhelmed by the invisible labor of raising humans, or facing the identity shifts of perimenopause—this conversation reminds us that seeking help isn't a sign of weakness, but often the very thing that prevents our struggles from becoming unmanageable.
Join us for this crucial discussion about maternal mental health, and discover why accepting support through every season might be the most important gift you can give yourself and your family.
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Connect with Ciera on Instagram @confidentlybeautifulpodcast
You're listening to Confidently Beautiful with Ciera, a podcast to help you stay confidently beautiful, because we all have confidence inside us. We just need to bring it out and I'm here to show you how Body image, dreams, parenting, style, personality and more here we cover it all. Get ready to stay confidently beautiful. Welcome back to Confidently Beautiful. Today's episode is one that I have been looking forward to, because we're going to dive into something that every mom experiences but doesn't always talk about. It's something that's not talked about a ton, but we're going to be talking about mental health through every season of motherhood. I am joined by Lyndsey Troccoli, a licensed marriage and family therapist, who specializes in women's health and trauma and neurodivergence. So, whether you're trying to conceive, maybe you're in the thick of postpartum, maybe you're past having babies stages but you're still trying to raise your little tiny humans, or maybe you're navigating perimenopause, I think this conversation will meet you where you are and, hopefully, will be really helpful. So, lindsay, I'm so happy you're here. Can you tell us a little about yourself?
Lyndsey:Yeah, absolutely so. I originally actually studied something totally different than mental health and then started navigating some mental health struggles myself. That led me to kind of decide to look into being a therapist and specifically navigated a lot of infertility struggles myself. That kind of led me to where I am today.
Ciera :Tell me about your family. Now, you do have a family, so tell me about them.
Lyndsey:Yeah, so I have two little boys, luca and Leo. Luca is four and Leo is just about to turn three. I am married. I met my husband through work. He is originally from Italy. He immigrated here when he was about 14 years old and we live in Las Vegas, nevada.
Ciera :Great, and you just came back from Italy, right?
Lyndsey:We did. It was so good and so hard.
Ciera :Yeah, I imagine, with two little boys. So Lyndsey is actually my cousin and so I got to see a little bit of the glimpses of the behind the scenes and all the things and Marco Polo and our family chat and yeah, it was probably a challenge, I would imagine, but definitely worth all the memories.
Lyndsey:A hundred percent it was so good.
Ciera :Well, let's dive into today's episode and kind of I want to just touch on every stage of motherhood that we can. So let's start with the very, very beginning trying to conceive. Whether you're trying to conceive and you're, you're not necessarily having fertility problems, but you're just deciding if it's time to start your family or if you are having fertility struggles. There's a lot of people who have walked this hard road. I've walked this road, you've walked this road. Can you kind of talk a little bit about how women can care for their mental health during fertility struggles or even after loss?
Lyndsey:Yeah, absolutely so. I think one of the biggest things that I see people doing is this attempt to shove down the grief or to not let yourself sit with it. I think women especially have a tendency to want to avoid the pain, or they'll even diminish their pain and try to just focus on the positive. Or they'll even diminish their pain and try to just focus on the positive, or they'll tell themselves like it's not that serious, or someone else has it worse, or you know, I have all of these good things going on in my life. I just need to figure out how to focus on that. Um, and that's rarely effective. It almost never is helpful.
Lyndsey:Um, grief really does need space to be processed. Um, that kind of involves validating that the loss is real, whether you never conceived or you lost a child early into gestation, which kind of leads me to another huge thing that I recommend is that at whatever stage you're in in that process, you really have to figure out how to have healthy boundaries, whether that's getting help with figuring out how to set that boundaries. There are tons of books and free resources online that can kind of help navigate that process, but it might look like letting your pregnant friends know that you need some space and that you're going to take a step away from a friendship or staying off of forums and social media if you find that that is negatively impacting you. I know that sometimes those things can be helpful, but so many people that I talk to find that those things exacerbate their symptoms and that comparison just kind of ends up running rampant. There are a lot of other strategies that I would recommend, but I think those are the main two that I really encourage women to try out.
Ciera :That's really good. I'm going to put you on the spot with like a little example. Yeah, good, I'm going to put you on the spot with like a little example. And so you know but our listeners probably don't know with my second pregnancy it was with twins and I ended up having one healthy baby but I did lose the other baby. So how do you like that was a really big struggle. I mean, this was eight years ago, so I think I've done pretty well at being able to work through it but that was a struggle. Going back then to think, how do I be happy for this baby that I do have but then also grieve the loss of the other one? But then I think this could also relate to maybe not somebody who, like, in the same pregnancy had one but lost one, but later on, like they, maybe they lost one but then they do have a pregnancy. I just need to be grateful for the kids.
Lyndsey:I have Like they. Maybe they lost one, but then they do have a pregnant. I just need to be grateful for the kids I have.
Ciera :Like yeah, yes, exactly. So just I mean, I know that's so big and kind of like a hard thing to say like over just a podcast interview, but do you have like anything that could help a woman grieve that loss but also be grateful and happy?
Lyndsey:Yeah, I mean, like you said, like it it really is similar, like what your situation that you described is very similar to women who have secondary infertility, which is, you know, when you've already been able to conceive and have a child, and then you struggle down the road after, even like your second child or your third child, you want to have more and you're unable to, for whatever reason. And that actually is one of those ones that's like really pervasive and really tricky, because women do tell themselves like at least da, da, da, da, da da. Or I need to look on the bright side, which is that I have these beautiful children. Or, for you, I need to just focus on the fact that I have one healthy baby and I should just be so grateful for that. And there's no reason why those two things can't coexist.
Lyndsey:There's no reason why you can't be devastatingly sad and totally joyful, and I think that we try to figure out how to avoid the uncomfortable emotions and just immerse ourselves in the positive ones. But usually what I see when that happens is it ends up stripping away the positive ones. The grief gets so loud and tries so hard to take up space in your brain because you're ignoring it that it crowds out any joy or happiness that you could actually have, and sometimes we see that show up as anxiety. Sometimes we see that show up as unresolved trauma down the road. Sometimes we even see that show up as like attachment issues when the healthy baby is born or like survivor's guilt issues, like there's so many things that can kind of come about from this. But if you can let yourself have both which means fully recognizing the grief, fully allowing yourself to sit in the sadness or whatever that might be it gives that part of you a voice and then that part of you stops screaming so loud and you can start to pay attention to the other voice as well.
Ciera :It's hard when you have two voices at the same time.
Lyndsey:You know we all do though.
Lyndsey:We all have these little parts of us that like chime in and you hear people describe it all the time, like there's a part of me that feels this way but there's this other part of me that feels this way. Well, both parts are you, and if you try and suppress one, it's actually going to get pretty irritated and it's going to get louder and louder and louder until it's the loudest voice in your head. So quit trying to suppress them. Have gratitude that they all exist. They're all trying to serve a purpose. Like usually, those grief voices or those sad voices are actually trying to protect you from hurt. So if we can find space for both voices without trying to ignore one, it will prevent it from getting way louder in your head.
Ciera :That's really good advice. I love that you say like we all have them, like it doesn't have to be this situation. It's going to be like you know like we all have.
Lyndsey:all the time I hear people like talking in that kind of terminology and they don't necessarily realize that they're talking in like IFS or parts or EMDR terminology, but they are. That's how we all process. Our emotions is in different parts of us that show up because of different experiences and different beliefs, and all of them are still parts of us.
Ciera :No, I love that. I'm going to remember that. How can women cope with the emotional rollercoaster of infertility, pregnancy loss? Men cope with the emotional roller coaster of infertility, pregnancy loss, but also still feel hopeful, or maybe in terms with the fact that maybe what they had in mind isn't going to come about the way they thought.
Lyndsey:Yeah, I love that you added that caveat at the end, because I think this does kind of go back to the issue with shoving it down and trying to just be positive. Um, because I do find that that's one of the most damaging things that women can do. Um, and I think that hope can play such a huge role. But I found that, especially with women who've been battling infertility for a long time, um, platitudes like your time will come or it will happen when the time is right, or you could always just adopt, those end up feeling really triggering and actually pretty invalidating. It's not that they're not true. Maybe it will happen eventually, maybe you can adopt.
Lyndsey:It just is invalidating of the grief and the experience that women are actually going through in those moments. And another reality that we need to acknowledge is what you just said Like, sometimes it doesn't ever happen the way that we want it to. Sometimes women never conceive, despite all of their efforts to make it happen. And if we can't recognize that, we're just perpetuating the avoidance of the grief that really does need to have a space to be worked through. That doesn't mean that you don't feel hope. It just means that you also leave space for grief.
Ciera :So going into pregnancy, pregnancy can bring so many unexpected mental health challenges. I mean so even if you didn't walk through the fertility and trying to conceive, all of that, like maybe you were fine then. But then you get pregnant and you're all of a sudden like, oh, like what is going on with me. Uh, what would women, what should they look for? What should women look for and look out for during this time, Cause it can seem so foreign and weird.
Lyndsey:Yeah, totally so. Um, I'll go through this list but I'll also share that Like. If there was any part of this podcast that women shared with their partners, that would actually be really, really helpful. Because sometimes, when you're in the thick of it, you don't even if you know what to look for, you don't recognize it when it comes. But your partner is likely to notice a shift. Your like partner may be likely to notice behavioral changes. And if you're navigating pregnancy as a single parent, tell a close friend, tell a parent, tell them that these are the things that you know might end up showing up in pregnancy, and ask for them to kind of keep a close eye on those things.
Lyndsey:So first, postpartum depression is a huge one post-pregnancy. I think this is the one that most people are familiar with and it would look like persistent sadness, numbness, hopelessness, irritability, maybe even rage. Postpartum anxiety is another one that is more commonly talked about. I think more people are familiar with that one. It doesn't look like your stereotypical baby blues, so sometimes it is a little bit more dismissed in women themselves, but the people around them will likely notice it can look some of it can be internal Like. It can look like racing thoughts or constant worries or difficulty sleeping, even when your baby's sleeping rage is a big one. Usually it spills over. Like you talk to other people about your worries, it's like, well, what if this, what if this, what if this, what if this? And people will start to notice changes in the way that you're behaving and ideally you kind of would start to notice it too notice changes in the way that you're behaving, and ideally you kind of would start to notice it too. Another that I'll just kind of touch on, even though they are less common and I want to make sure that saying these doesn't trigger anxiety for women who are already worried about what this could look like.
Lyndsey:This can happen during pregnancy or postpartum, but we see that it's actually pretty common to get intrusive thoughts or postpartum OCD, and it's way more common than people think. The reason why it doesn't get talked about as much is because it is usually steeped in shame. Some of those thoughts can get pretty violent or graphic and people are very, very hesitant to share them. So usually by the time someone comes to me and actually shares what some of those thoughts or images look like, they're already to the point that they've developed a lot of really negative beliefs about themselves. So the more we can talk about this, the more we can normalize it, the sooner people can get help and realize that, like, those thoughts are not them, they're not in line with their values, and it's okay to talk about them.
Lyndsey:And then the last one is super, super rare to talk about them. And then the last one is super, super rare. So I bring it up only because it is like a pretty serious issue If people don't know that it's possible and it's postpartum psychosis that can look like really strongly held delusional beliefs, hallucinations, severe confusion or disorientation, really manic moods, drastic behavioral changes Again super, super rare, but it can be really serious if it's missed or left untreated. So I always like to make sure I mention it.
Ciera :And any of those happen alone, or are they usually?
Lyndsey:all overlapped with each other. It can be singular, only one happening, or it can be multiple.
Ciera :And what is the reason behind all of these struggles that can happen postpartum. Is it the hormone changes, the shifts? Does your mind, like your brain, actually change when you have a baby?
Lyndsey:Yeah, all of the above, and then I would also add that, like there's so many external changes that lead to stress and sleep deprivation and all of these other external factors that we know impact how your brain's functioning, what hormones are or are not being released, the chemicals in your brain being out of whack, there's all kinds of things that can factor into that, and I also think sometimes I tell people that it needs to be okay for us not to determine a why, just to be able to acknowledge that it's happening and then just get support on the other side of that.
Ciera :That's good too. That's me the overthinker I'm like. But why is this happening? I?
Lyndsey:want to know. Yeah, sometimes we know, and sometimes we just don't, and so it needs to be okay If you never really figure out your why.
Ciera :What? What would you say to a mom who just feels off or is wondering if they have any of these, like how do they even get help?
Lyndsey:Yeah, so I think there's this like common theme of not just in pregnancy, like women in general often struggle to get help because they have this assumption that like they don't have it as bad as someone else, or that what they're experiencing isn't bad enough, or that they might just be like a bad mom or a bad human or a lazy mom or a lazy human, and it's just a fallacy. But what I usually say is that the sooner you can get help, the better, and often the difference between it being not bad enough and definitely bad enough comes down to whether or not you got the help. So, even if it's just preventative, go get the help so it doesn't get bad enough.
Ciera :I always think like a therapist should be someone you like, just go see regularly like your regular doctor. Just go and just say the things and then maybe you'll discover, oh, I actually should probably be making this more regular or maybe you're okay and like you can keep going, but I think a check in is so valuable.
Lyndsey:Yeah, I like to tell clients all the time like I feel like I've done a lot of work myself. I've done extensive therapy and I still regularly check in with a therapist.
Ciera :What can I mean? A lot of those things that can happen. They're out of our control, right their hormones, their emotions, their changes in our body and our environment. But what are some tangible things that our listeners could do, if they're pregnant or postpartum, that could try and help to? I don't want to say like avoid these things, because sometimes it's unavoidable, right, totally, but something that they are like. Are there anything that you would suggest that they do just to try and make it more manageable and also be more aware, besides letting a loved one know to watch out for them?
Lyndsey:Yeah. So I think part of the problem with when I make these suggestions is that, again, women struggle so much to do things for themselves. So I'm going to make them and also just say out loud that, like you gotta you gotta ask for help. You gotta do things for yourself. And the biggest thing that I recommend to women is to ask for and actively seek out help. You're going to hear people all day long that are going to send you texts or call and be like how can I help? Let me know if I can help, and then like nothing happens. Right, and it's great that people offer that, but very few people just show up and do it without you asking. So what that means is you're going to have to do something about it yourself.
Lyndsey:So I'll often encourage especially new moms or soon to be delivering moms to make a list of all the things that they think they need to do. So if you walked home today, what's on your to-do list? Write it all down. Then I ask them to send that list to every single person who offered them help. Send it in a text, send it in an email. Send it in a text. Send it in an email, send it out. Send a text in conjunction with that saying how much you appreciate the offer and that if there's anything on that list that they feel comfortable helping with, that, that would make the biggest difference for them. It's super uncomfortable and women are really resistant to it. But what I can tell you with 100% confidence is if I received that kind of text message, I would absolutely take something off the list and do it, and I imagine you would say the same thing. Oh for sure, you have to start asking, and it's truly the only way to get what you need.
Lyndsey:The other huge piece that I recommend is to start people are really resistant to this one too. Start organizing your life into absolute priorities so what I mean by that is someone would die if I don't do this or secondary priorities dishes, laundry, sweeping, that kind of thing. Work, if possible, with a therapist to recognize that you're in a phase of life where those secondary priorities might have to take a back seat. Your laundry might pile up, you may always have dirty dishes in your sink and you're going to have to do some work again, ideally with someone who can help you through it, to minimize the shame around this and to remind yourself that this is not forever.
Lyndsey:I totally recognize that if you never did those things it would become a problem. You'd run out of clothes and dishes. But I really try to work with clients to see how that demand can be decreased as much as is humanly possible. And then let the shame go. It's fine. It's okay that your dishes are dirty. It's okay that maybe you did the laundry but then you threw all of the clean clothes into a basket and you never sorted through the basket and you're just dressing your clothes, your kids, in wrinkly clothes, like all of those things are secondary priorities and nobody's going to die.
Ciera :I really love that, that like cause that puts it into perspective, like it's going to be okay and going back to your first suggestion about the list, and like I can just like I'm trying to envision myself like could I do that? Like I don't know? That feels so uncomfortable, but I do know, like you said, if somebody sent that to me I wouldn't think twice.
Lyndsey:I would be like I would actually probably be grateful that they actually gave me suggestions because I didn't have to try and get come up with what would actually yeah, yeah, and I don't tell them what we're going to do with the list until after they make the list.
Lyndsey:So I say, hey, we're going to make a list of all of the things that if you were to go home right now you think you need to do. We're going to make your to-do list. And generally they think I'm like going to help them task chunk or some sort of like ADHD strategy, and then we kind of flip-flop it and immediately there's like a recoil, like oh my gosh, I could never. But I actually kind of treat it the same way. I would treat like OCD strategies, which is like okay, then let's start really small. Who's one person that you could send that to that you wouldn't feel crippling shame? Let's send it to that person, let's get the evidence that they don't respond negatively, and then let's try the next least scary person and you kind of work your way through the list that way.
Ciera :Really smart Not to I don't say this to like pat myself on the back, but something I've learned kind of along that that I actually just did with my friend. Her baby just had heart surgery. She's only six weeks old, and so I just sent my friend a text and said here are some things that I can do for you. And I gave her three options and I was like which one can I do for you? And she her response back she's like that was so nice and I have so many options and like and so and I think it also helped it helped me to feel like I was helping but also not stepping on her toes, cause I don't, I don't want to come into her home if she's not comfortable yet with visitors, cause the surgery or you know all these things. So I just gave her three options and she picked from there.
Lyndsey:And I love that. And if listeners wanted to know what they could do for pregnancy or infertility or postpartum moms, 100%, that would be top of my list. Fewer and far between, though, that people actually do that. So if that's not going to happen super regularly, we still have to find a way to like get through it, yeah, and so to have your own list to send to them, that's great, that's so great.
Ciera :Okay, let's transition into motherhood and mental load, which is huge. Mental load is like a huge part of being a mom. I mean, I think women in general just carry a big mental load. How does the invisible mental load of motherhood impact a woman's health like long term? I mean, it can do it short-term, but what about long-term as well?
Lyndsey:Yeah. So what I actually see is it can lead to a really huge cognitive strain, and I usually don't see people in my office until this is already happening and it's gotten pretty bad. So it can get so bad that it can actually mimic the symptoms of ADHD or even early cognitive decline. So I'll frequently hear women saying that they feel insane or that they think they're losing their minds, and it usually is attributable to that invisible mental load that so many women just actively pass off as not being that bad or feeling like they should be able to handle it. I actually like I've even seen people with concerns about early dementia. I'll have women come in and tell me that they've started like Googling symptoms around that because they're concerned that that's happening to them. And then we start to dig in and we realize like okay, there are some very clear indicators of what's going on here and as we work through those and work to decrease the mental load, we see a lot of that resolve.
Ciera :Okay, so is it curable, is it fixable, or is that cognitive decline kind of permanently there?
Lyndsey:No, totally, totally fixable. I mean, obviously, short of you actually having some sort of decline, which is a thing, and you know ADHD does often manifest itself in motherhood, so it could be mimicking ADHD symptoms or it could just be ADHD. But if it is a cognitive decline due to invisible mental load, there are absolutely things that can be done about that and ways that you can mitigate some of that stress.
Ciera :I feel like undiagnosed or late diagnosed ADHD is like the big thing on social media right now. Do you think that a lot of those people that are saying they have undiagnosed or undetected ADHD like do you think that they more likely have like a mental load I don't know the word like effects from a mental load, or do you think it really is? There really is an increase in ADHD diagnosis.
Lyndsey:Yeah, so I guess I should answer that question first. 100%, I think that there is an increase in accurate ADHD diagnoses and I think that this is due to partially, women being more willing to accept that. Think it's due to an increase in access to information where people can see things and be like hang on, that does sound familiar. Maybe I should look into this a little bit more. I also think it's due to better testing and a better understanding of what ADHD does look like in women. Specifically, all of the diagnostic criteria and most of the assessments that we have access to today and for sure, in recent history, were based off of young white boys. That was it. It shows up entirely different in females. It shows up entirely different across races. We were missing a huge chunk of the population when we originally wrote a lot of this diagnostic criteria, and so, yeah, there's going to be an increase as we start to recognize the mistakes that were originally made and then attempt to rectify them.
Ciera :Wow, that's very interesting. I wonder what made them choose that demographic, that specific demographic you know and not yeah, because obviously, unfortunately, historically, that that is the demographic that was chosen. It's true If you look at our American history.
Lyndsey:And world history, like when you look at diagnostic criteria across the board. A majority of assessments and, like I said, diagnostic criteria was was written for straight white men. Interesting, so yeah we have a long way to go in a lot of areas with our testing and our studies.
Ciera :What are some powerful things, but also not too overwhelming things, that moms can do to help them in the thick of raising kids?
Lyndsey:Yeah, I think that there's a lot of things that we could talk about there. I think that there's a few things that I try and do on a daily basis that I hesitate to like give a list, because I think that we already have so many lists that are running through our heads that it can sometimes start to feel really overwhelming to add another thing to a list. So these are things that I just recommend making part of a lifestyle as opposed to like another checklist. So, getting outside you've got to get outside, you've got to be able to like have sunshine on your face and breathe some fresh air. That's a huge one.
Lyndsey:The next one is paying attention to triggers that make motherhood more difficult for you. So for me, I noticed that, like auditory input made being a grounded and regulated mom nearly impossible. So I do things like using loop earplugs or blasting really loud raging music every once in a while so I can drown out certain noises or, you know, having a friend who I can call and vent to and have them just listen. All of these things are things that you can incorporate into daily life that don't necessarily need to become another checklist.
Ciera :Perimenopause. So, you're done having kids, you're in perimenopause. Or maybe you didn't have any biological children, but you're still you're entering that perimenopause. Or maybe you didn't have any biological children, but you're entering that perimenopause phase. They can sometimes feel blindsided. I didn't really know about it until I watched my mom go through it, and then I also have a friend who's going through it as well, and so what should they know about how it can affect their mental health?
Lyndsey:Yeah, this is super important and I feel like it's another one of those demographics that just kind of gets ignored and it's just totally wrong and something where we can just do so much better. But I'll just talk about a few of the things that could maybe help people be a little bit more prepared. Mood changes can be super intense. Your estrogen and your progesterone fluctuate, which directly affects serotonin and GABA, which are key mood regulating chemicals, so you could suddenly start being really irritable or emotional weepy out of nowhere. You could also experience intense brain fog, trouble focusing, forgetting words. Again, this is one of those areas where women start to get worried about early dementia. Your sleep can be super disrupted, which again also impacts mood and regulation. You might have anxiety and depression for the first time in your life, when you never struggled with that before. Additionally, autism, adhd and other neurodivergence might become more obvious in perimenopause because executive functioning can totally tank. There are also some intense struggles with identity during this time. So I often recommend that people start tracking patterns. This can help connect hormone changes or even give your doctor more data if it's not necessarily explainable by hormone changes.
Lyndsey:Don't dismiss symptoms. Don't undertreat yourself. There are a lot of options hormone therapies, adhd meds, antidepressants, mood stabilizers, trauma therapies, regulation skills, sensory skills that can help with some of this, so don't dismiss them. The other thing that I always recommend is to protect your sleep as much as is humanly possible.
Lyndsey:Obviously, this is not medical advice and people should be speaking to a doctor before doing any of these things, but if you're struggling with sleep, you could try things like magnesium, sensory strategies, cbt for insomnia, and all of those things can be really beneficial in making sure that the sleep doesn't become an issue, because if the sleep becomes an issue, everything else gets worse. And then, lastly, I tell people to really make some space to let themselves grieve their changing roles and to try to create something that is just theirs. So it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to rush to be a new person or to not give yourself the time to grieve, but it can be helpful to start some sort of creative hobby or passion project, not necessarily to be productive, but to continue to feel like you're adding value into your own life.
Ciera :Those are good suggestions. What are some identity shifts that women experience during this mid lifetime and how can they stay grounded? You mentioned like coming up with a hobby, but how can they stay grounded and still feel confidence and joy through these changes?
Lyndsey:Yeah. So I think that some of the biggest identity shifts I see happen with the change from like rearing kids to being an empty nester. Not that that's necessarily the most difficult one or the one that matters most, but that's where I see most women coming in for support. I think that there's like this idea that, unfortunately, is pretty pervasive from a societal standpoint that once we're finished raising kids, we're not productive anymore, we're not adding value anymore, and part of that comes down to really getting in touch with who you actually are as a person outside of motherhood, and I strongly encourage women to do this even when they're in the trenches.
Lyndsey:Get yourself some time away, continue to have creative hobbies, continue to have friendships and connections and relationships outside of what you're doing as a mom. If that hasn't been possible, or if you're now in perimenopause and you never really got a chance to do those things, that's where I would tell people to start. Figure out who you are. Maybe this looks like starting some sort of journaling exploration that then translates into real life experience. Go, try new things that you never thought you would try before. Meet people who are totally outside of your normal comfort zone and see what feels good, see what doesn't.
Ciera :I heard on a podcast that she called it, instead of the empty nester phase, she called it the open door phase. Love that. I really loved that because I thought like yeah, her kids can always come home with their open door, but also going along with, like what you said, figuring- out who they are like it's a new open door for them to figure out who they are outside of being a mother.
Ciera :Yeah, totally. Thank you so much, lindsay. This was really helpful and I think it should be helpful for every mom, but I think also for every friend who has somebody in their life that's in one of these phases Another mom who has somebody, like a daughter, who might be in this phase, sisters I think it's gonna be helpful for everyone to listen. So thank you for sharing all of your knowledge and everything, and where can listeners connect with you and maybe learn more about your work?
Lyndsey:So I do have an Instagram. It's at therapeutically thinking and people can definitely connect with me there. They also can see more about like my work specifically and what my clinic specializes in at maternalmindscounselingcom.
Ciera :Awesome. Thank you so much, and I love to ask all of my interview guests one question. So what is one thing that you do every day, or try to do every day, that helps you to feel more confident?
Lyndsey:Okay, I feel like there's a few things, but one of the things that ties in with what we've been talking about is I try to keep what I call a proof log. So on a daily basis, I have like a little app that I do this through, but on a daily basis I write down one thing from my day that gave me proof of my capability or my resilience or my growth or or whatever it might be. It's it's like a CBT based skill, but maybe it's like sometimes for me it's like I remembered every single appointment I had booked today, or it's like I was able to not yell at my kids when I felt super, super frustrated. So it's just writing down one piece of proof that I am competent or I am resilient or I am capable.
Ciera :I love that. Thank you, yeah, you bet, if they think it's helpful for them. I think it's so fun to hear what everyone does. So thank you so much, Lyndsey, and thank you for tuning in and listening, and I will talk to you next week.
Ciera :I finally have an email newsletter and I'm so excited. I have put together a brand new website, confidentlybeautifulwithciera. com C-I-E-R-A. com, and you can sign up for my newsletter there. I will have a newsletter full of my favorite things podcast episodes that maybe you have missed. Anything beauty and self-care related is going to be there. It's going to be full of things that I hope would bring some value to you. So if this is something that you are interested in signing up for, head on to my website, confidentlybeautifulwithciera. com, and sign up for the newsletter, or you can click the link in my bio or in the show notes and it will take you directly there, and I can't wait to be in your inbox. Thanks for listening. Connect with me on instagram at confidently beautiful podcast and share this episode with someone in your life who could use a little reminder of just how amazing they already are. Stay confidently beautiful.