.jpg)
gwunspoken
We know that now more than ever, there is a growing disconnection between parents and their teens, corporates and their employees, and human interactions in general.
This can cause stress, frustration and many arguments within families and the work environment.
gwunspoken looks at the challenges people of all ages have in their relationships with one another and provides experience and advice, allowing all parties to have a voice.... and feel heard.
Join us to hear corporates, parents, educators, teens and the latest advice of how we can in fact live the life we love, in making authentic interactions, because we know... authentic connection is everything.
gwunspoken
Navigating Conflict: How to Build Bridges When Arguments Flare
Navigating conflict while maintaining connection is one of life's greatest challenges. Whether you're a parent dealing with a teenager's emotional outbursts, a partner trying to resolve relationship issues, or a professional managing workplace tensions, finding the balance between holding your ground and preserving relationships can feel impossible.
When arguments flare, our brains undergo a fascinating transformation. The emotional center (amygdala) activates fight-flight-freeze responses while our rational thinking capabilities go offline. This neurological reality explains why we often say things we later regret during heated moments. For teenagers, this effect is amplified—their developing brains, surging hormones, and intense need for peer validation create the perfect storm for emotional volatility. Parents who once enjoyed close relationships with their children may suddenly find themselves cast as adversaries as teens naturally push for independence.
This episode unpacks practical strategies for de-escalating conflicts while maintaining important boundaries. From creating physical space when needed to the power of side-by-side conversations during car rides, we explore techniques that build bridges rather than walls. The groundbreaking work of Ross Greene and his Collaborative Problem-Solving approach offers a structured framework that honours both adult concerns and the perspective of the struggling person. The three-step process—empathise and understand, define adult concerns, and collaborate on solutions—provides a pathway to resolution that preserves dignity and strengthens relationships.
Remember, connection remains the foundation for all meaningful change. When someone feels heard and valued, even while being held accountable, the relationship becomes the vehicle for growth rather than a casualty of conflict. The question isn't whether to choose being right or maintaining the relationship—it's about finding ways to honour both.
www.in8code.com
Welcome to an edition of GW Unspoken where we discuss stuff we don't typically talk about but probably should, and we're here with our wellbeing season plan, season one on mental health and emotional resilience. I want to do something a little bit different today. I want to do a podcast off the cuff and give you some kind of strategy, I suppose moving forward, but less research this time, but more about this experience of life, and I'm hoping you can feel what I'm feeling at the moment too. But how many times have you actually in part of an argument with is? You know I've got physical violence, but there's arguing and people are struggling and you're feeling agitated and you know you're on high alert all the time because the connection isn't going so well. Will it be a spouse or a friendship group or family member, work colleague, who might be? But basically your window of tolerance, that part of where you know usually you can take a bit and take a bit, is getting narrower and narrower and you're just feeling so agitated and you just don't. You know you may be the one who's you know the consistent one, and you know that the argument that you're on about it's not your fault and you're thinking what the hell? You know and you want to sort of express your fault and you're thinking what the hell? You know and you want to sort of express your point and you want to get across to the other person that you know you're wrong, I'm right, what the hell? I've been doing this for ages.
Speaker 1:You know what happens the emotional brain kicks in, the amygdala, fires up into fight or flight or freeze, and then the other person might do the same. Maybe you might both be in fight and that's pretty interesting and you know the connection's out the window. And so what do you do? I mean, what do you do? We have teenage girls. We know there's often, you know, disagreements with their peers and whether it's amplified by social media or the school day, they might bring that home and then we might have an opinion and that might escalate again and you think, well, I've got some life experience here. I think my strategy might work for you. But they don't want to hear that. And you've got to remember that, teenagers especially, they have that over-inflamed amygdala. Their brain is still growing. They don't have the logical reasoning often because even with us as adults, when the emotional brain kicks in the prefrontal cortex that thinking part of the brain, it switches off, it goes offline. So we often give the person a spray or argue or walk off or whatever we do when we're triggered and an hour or two down the track or half a day down the track we don't understand why we lost it and that's our emotional brain just trying to protect us and when we're in that mood.
Speaker 1:You know, at the moment a lot of people know I'm working with a company of design called Connect Beyond the Plan, working with a lot of people who have a disability, stereotypically a lot of teenage and tween boys hoping to be a father figure for them and a role model. But even seeing some of those boys reacting in the community it's, you know, because they have been through sometimes a lot of trauma. Then it refires that neural pathway that they've been triggered on before. So you know, when something happens they think, well, that behavior must mean this and it becomes more of a trigger and look, adults have the same. So if you're working with someone who's in trauma, that can be even more challenging. So I don't know, it's a tough one and I just want to know what you're thinking and you're feeling the same way.
Speaker 1:I'm talking to a lot of parents at the moment too, and you can hear the frustrations they have, especially with their tween or teen, because they're going through that natural state. I mean, it's been stated before, don't quote me who it was, but they're saying, especially if you're a single mum or grandma or female member in the family and you're now looking after a boy, and you've gone from stereotypically the nurturer, the lover, the carer, the confide, and then next thing, you know, you have to be more of an authoritarian style person, because the teenager is now starting to push back, because their brain is changing, because they want to and it doesn't naturally because they have to leave the nest anyway. So we naturally become more autonomous, become more independent. We do push back on values or ideas or beliefs and then, especially in that relationship, the female will often think, well, what the hell, where's my son gone or where's my grandson gone? Because they're now pushing back and those roles are then conflicted and changed during that emotional turmoil time.
Speaker 1:So I don't know, like teenagers, teenagers are a high-tech society, they are more socially connected than ever before, and so what does that mean? It means that they've got even more of a chance, yes, to connect, but sometimes they're not good connections Sometimes, because there's often non-verbals, no non-verbals being displayed, then they can actually take it the wrong way and then more arguments can start. Tie that with the emotional brain, with hormones, the willingness to be accepted by our peers, both males and females, particularly females again, stereotypically, but that's the research. It's just like a time bomb, isn't it? And if you're a parent and you're trying to navigate this space, or a grandparent trying to navigate this space, it just becomes more and more challenging because the teen brain is sort of outweighing. You know what your experience is and maybe what you think they should value. They should understand that you're a parent and your way should be the right way. I'm here to protect you, I'm here to guide you, I'm here to help you understand life's journeys, you know.
Speaker 1:So what do we do, especially when peer's mean everything to our teens? You know how do we not just ignore what's happening? You know how do we hold the line, but how? How do we do that? You know some people say, well, do I want to be right or do I want the relationship? I love that. Say, well, do I want to be right or do I want the relationship? I love that quote. But you've got to still have a relationship, but we still have to hold the line and we know connection is key for everything. It's connection for comfort and reestablishment of relationships and I was a big advocate for that, working in the wellbeing space in schools and have another business called Education Made Simple. Check it out if you like on the webpage. But it's about really connecting teachers to students and the key for that is making sure you actually re-establish or establish a firm relationship so the students can feel safe, they can be open, they can be vulnerable and when they do that without any stigma attached to anyone having a go at them or criticising them, they're going to feel like they belong and the classroom culture can go through the roof, and it should go through the roof.
Speaker 1:So how do we do it? Well, here's some things. Number one if you're with someone who's a fighter or a flighter, then you need time away. That's not me. I'd rather get in and get it sorted. But some people just need the space and sometimes you have to be the better person and let that person just breathe a little bit. Reconnect after an hour.
Speaker 1:You know listening and paraphrasing. If time is right, when the person's you guys, are working it out, then maybe really listening and paraphrasing and saying oh, what I hear is this and what I understand is this. You know, using language is really important. I'm really sorry you feel this way. You know, I certainly didn't want you to feel this way. You know I can understand how you feel. I mean you don't have to agree with what they're doing or displaying, but you can certainly understand from their perspective and it's one of the biggest conflict resolution skills is saying, I understand, diffuses the problem but diffuses the situation. Holding them close if it's physically appropriate, holding the other person close Babies love it because they can hear the heartbeat and feel that, like they did in the mother's womb, but even from a father figure or a father to their son or daughter holding them tight If they're willing to do that. Obviously, being outside, being outside in nature, outside of the four walls they're probably within the four walls all day you probably have too, bringing some fresh air.
Speaker 1:I love the one going for a drive, taking some of the participants for a drive, when you look at the road straight ahead or at the side window and you're actually talking straight ahead, but you're actually listening across from each other, you're not eyeballing each other, so you're not feeling uncomfortable, the other person's not feeling uncomfortable either. It's a really big one. It's really powerful. You know, if you're having an argument with your son or daughter out there, or stepdaughters or sons, take them for a drive. Even if you don't feel like it be the better person, take them for a drive. Listen, I understand. Tell me why you feel this way. I'm going to listen with that judgment. It's such a big thing and sometimes I don't want want advice, sometimes it's just actually listening.
Speaker 1:Another one we've talked about before with you know tony robbins is a big one with this is movement, getting people to move to get rid of all that cortisol, that really negative built up bad energy and hormones in your body. Getting to move go for a walk, take the dogs, go to the gym, whatever you do, keep the food in the park. We're doing that with the, with the girls at the moment coming back from school or from work and taking them to the park for half an hour, 45 minutes, just before dark. It's unreal just to see the mood change and the energy change and the connection change, you know. So I want you to think about it. It's hard enough as it is when everyone is busy and everyone has their own inner demons and everyone has their own struggles and want to be right and probably affects their own emotional being when you feel like you're under attack or you haven't done anything wrong, all right. But I do want to share one thing before we head off, and this is you know, if Kelly King's out there listening to this, I hope you are You've brought this into my space, which I love.
Speaker 1:A lot of the things we do in schools is positive behaviour for learning, which is a positive psychology approach, which I love. Some really good tools in there for teachers again to connect with students, especially around behaviour. But she got me onto this Ross Green book and the Ross Green book. I'm up to the second one at the moment. But Ross Green is talking about collaborative and proactive solutions. It's called the CPS Guide and he goes through a lot of ways to deal with, I suppose, behaviours and those behaviours I suppose can be de-escalated but also worked upon with the person who is struggling and you can actually build a bridge that both of you get empowerment from. The one I'm listening to is called Lost at School. He has other ones out there as well, but really briefly, he has a conversation template and a tool. This can be used with NDOS participants. It can be worked with home with parents and kids and children. It can be definitely worked across schools, which he has gone to some schools as well. I'd love every school to adopt this approach too. Kelly, I know you'd like this as well. But these are some of the things he said.
Speaker 1:In this collaborative and positive solutions model, the CPS model, step one have empathy and listen and understand, and the goal here is to gather the young person's perspective without judgment, and I love that. You know, I've noticed that, hey, what's going on? When this situation happened, what makes it tough? And just listening right and paraphrasing means that you're actually going to start a bond, because they know that, even subconsciously, that you're listening when you're paraphrasing and you're actually taking the time to understand. This is the second step I love, and this is a step where a lot of people get this wrong, I think, where they think oh, what you're saying, gary, is I just have to give in because they're escalating, I have to wait until they're, let them have their bad behavior and then, when they calm down, talk to them. No, all right, you actually define the adult concern. Yes, let me take a step back. Yes, you still can only do this when people are de-es. As long as the person is safe and not causing harm on anybody else, then it might be a time to actually let them go for a while. But when they're de-escalated and you're de-escalated you can define what your concern as the adult is.
Speaker 1:You know, share what's important from your perspective really clearly, really calmly and really slowly. You know we have these things called mirror neurons. We start having a softer voice, a quieter voice, talk slowly. That'll eventually rub off on the person we're speaking to. So you know, some of the things you might say is I need to make sure that you know fairness, safety, learning. My concern is and you obviously state your concern and the last bit of love, which is really important, is you then have this invitation where your problems's solved together.
Speaker 1:It's not up to the parent to decide what the answer is or how to fix that problem, because that's just like he calls that step A. You know most of us do that. We've had life experience and we know we're right. It makes sense, bang, but the kids or the children don't learn anything from it. So you actually collaboratively brainstorm solutions that meet both the needs. You know things like prompt might be. You know, I wonder if there's a way we can work on this together or what do you think may help? Or how about we try this first and see if this works. If you're not getting anything back, you know, in return, so you can actually have some proposed solutions and then go back to it if it doesn't work. You know, I love that. I love the fact that he comes up with ideas to actually work alongside, not overbear or talk down to a child, and I know there's going to be a lot of people out there who are listening, going. Well, that's just bullshit, gary, because again, we're in an era where we just enable kids. This is not enabling kids.
Speaker 1:Go back to your childhood. If you listen to this, how were you dealt with in behaviours? If you showed poor behaviour, what happened? I got the strap, I got the wooden spoon, I got the smack. Did that help our connection? No, Did it make me behave? Yes, why? Out of fear? Yes, is that a good thing? Probably not. I've seen teachers out there who have very well-disciplined children in their classroom because they inspire or inflict I should say inflict fear into the classroom. You tell me now, if kids particularly in the age between 10 and 15, are in their emotional brain and you are inflicting fear into a classroom, how do you think that's going to go for their connection? How's that going to go with their emotional brain firing up and their thinking brain be able to switch on? Probably zero. But because they're sitting there quiet, you think you've got a great classroom, incorrect.
Speaker 1:So society has changed. We need to do things different. It doesn't mean we let people get away with it. I know that's the biggest concern with a lot of parents out there and teachers. We can still hold the line. We can still have what our concerns are as an adult. We can also build that relationship through the conflict, when we both talk about what are some of the ideas and brainstorm that and have it mutually together.
Speaker 1:Look, I hope this makes sense. I hope that it resonates with some of the things you might be dealing with right now, whether it be yourself to someone younger, maybe it's across a family member who's the same age or even older. Maybe it's in your role, in your work, maybe it's just in general life. It's something you can take on board. But definitely, advocate Ross Green, have a look. Have a look at some of his theories. It's a positive, proactive approach and, look, no one's got it figured out. All I know is that connection is key for everything. If you can keep that connection with whoever you're dealing with, then the relationship won't be burnt and there's always a way forward. Thank you.