gwunspoken

Emotional First Aid: What to Do When Someone's Heart is Breaking

• Garry • Episode 6

Share episode

Send us a text

Five minutes. That's all it takes for a crisis to carve itself into our memory. When someone collapses with chest pain, we rush to perform CPR. When someone slices a finger, we apply pressure and stop the bleeding. But when someone's heart is breaking or rage is spilling out? Most of us stand there, completely lost.

This powerful exploration of emotional first aid reveals the science behind crisis responses and why our brains literally go "offline" during emotional emergencies. When crisis hits, our amygdala floods the body with stress hormones while our rational prefrontal cortex temporarily shuts down—explaining why logic fails and why you can't reason with someone in the middle of a meltdown. Understanding this neurological hijacking is the first step toward more effective responses.

The episode delivers practical, immediately applicable techniques that work in those critical first five minutes of crisis. From the 4-7-8 breathing method that functions like "CPR for your nervous system" to grounding exercises that interrupt panic loops, these tools create pathways toward de-escalation when emotions run high. The most transformative approach, however, may be the simplest: presence without judgment. As we demonstrate through real-world examples with teenagers, colleagues, and partners, sometimes saying "I'm here" or "Let's figure this out together" can turn battlefields into bridges. Perhaps most compelling is the recognition that winning arguments often means losing relationships—and the courage it takes to prioritise connection over being right.

Ready to become an emotional first responder? Try these techniques during your next crisis moment, and discover how five minutes of mindful response can change everything. Your relationships—and possibly someone's life—may depend on it. Share your experiences with emotional first aid and let us know which techniques worked for you!

www.in8code.com

SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to an edition of GW Unspoken, where we discuss stuff we don't typically talk about, but probably should, and we're here talking about our social and emotional well-winning episodes, and today we're talking about our emotional first aid and what can we do in our first five minutes of a crisis. Five minutes. That's all it takes for a crisis to carve itself into our memory. And the first five minutes after an emotional explosion, or if your teenager shout and they hate you, or your boss questioning your value, or maybe a late-night phone call that changes everything, even after a good day, those minutes set the stage for everything that follows. You think about it, when someone collapses with chest pain, we rush to do CPR. You know, when someone slices a finger, we apply a pressure, we stop the bleeding, we wrap it up, we give them nurture and care. But when someone's heart is breaking or rage is spilling out, or fear grips the room, we stand there and we're lost. Like, how many times have you actually asked someone how they're going? And they tell you, but then you say, you know, how are you emotionally going? And there's no real response because, well, even if they gave you a response, what would be your response after that? What would you do? All of us wouldn't feel equipped. But that's probably the things that take is tall the most is our emotional, emotional regulation and our emotional hurt. So this episode is about the first aid kit that nobody gave us, the emotional first aid kit. You know, the small actions you can take in those first five minutes of crisis that, you know, just might save a relationship or you know, even a life. So here's part one. The science of a crisis. Like when crisis hits, the brain gets hijacked. I've talked about this a lot around neuroscience, like the amygdala, the that almond size alarm system in the middle of our brain, it lights up like a fire alarm, flooding the body with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, and your heart races and your your breathing shortens and your muscles tense, you might start sweating, and it's out of your control. And that prefrontal cortex, you know, the rational problem-solving, the thinking part of your brain, it it's it's and it's it doesn't say anything. It's it's it's stupid right now. Part of your brain goes, it goes offline. And this is why you can't use logic, you know, when someone's in the middle of a meltdown. And it's why your teen doesn't calm down when you tell them just to relax. It's why you might say things you regret later because your rational brain has literally left the building. You know, I've said this before, but how many times have you had an argument and then an hour, two later, two hours later, maybe half a day later, you're gone, what the hell just happened then? You know, it's it's our thinking brain, our rational brain going offline because our meeklot takes over. And look, here's the kicker, it takes about 20 minutes for the body to return to baseline after a surge of adrenaline. And that changes everybody. But around 20 minutes, so in those first five minutes, you can actually change the trajectory of where it's going. You know, think of it like a DFIB for the soul. What you do in those moments really matter in those first five minutes. So, number two, what emotional first aid really looks like? What do you do? Let's make this practical so you can actually step away from this episode and try it in your own lives. Slow breathing tells your body you're safe. I've done this before, uh, four, seven, eight method, like inhale for four seconds, hold it for seven, and exhale for eight out of your mouth. And it's like CPR for your nervous system. I've done this before with staff and people nearly going red in the face and look like they're gonna blow a gasket because they're holding their breath for so long because they're not used to doing it. But like a big inhale for four seconds in through your nose, hold it for seven, and breathe out for your eight and your mouth for eight, and it actually slows your nervous system down. So, step one, try breathing. Step two, try and ground yourself. So name five things you can see, four things you can feel, you know, three things you can hear, two you can smell, and one that you can taste. That's a bit hard, that one, but it interrupts the panic loop by bringing you back to the present, like being you in that actual moment. You know, they say being present's awesome because it's a gift. Try it. I've done this with before with a young boy at school when he was escalated and I think it's only eight years old, but rather than do five or three to one, we did like you know, three things you could see, two things you can hear, and one thing you could smell. Um, and then it really slowed him down. Actually, use it at home now. So try and ground yourself, do that, practice it. It takes about 60 seconds, all right, and brings you right back to where you are there and then. And step three, try and connect. My favorite word, you know, not with a lecture, not with a fix, not with a presence of being right, but just being there. Sometimes it's saying nothing, and just sitting beside someone. Sometimes it's one sentence saying, I'm here. Talk to me. I'm here if you want to talk, I'm here to listen. You know, Ross Green's collaborative problem solving method, love it. Love this, love this. We've read his books, it's a game changer for behavior. It adds structure. Empathize, you know, I can see you upset, help me understand what's happening for you. You know, if these aren't your words that you typically use, change them around, but just saying that you're seeing you're seeing them in your present and you understand can help them feel safe. You know, define concerns. You know, here's what I need as the adult. I need you to be open, I need to be understanding of how you feel right now. You know, they don't want to talk, don't talk. Don't make them talk. That's probably the worst thing is going to trigger them even more. I've seen teachers do it before. Ask someone like four times, what's wrong? No, no, something's wrong. Tell me. Don't you can open up to me, tell me what's wrong? I can feel and they're like escalating even more. Like, leave me alone. Another one is collaborate. You know, how can we work on this together? Maybe they say, Well, you can't, we can't work on this together. Oh, I'm sorry if that way. Why would you say we can't work on this together? Because you don't understand, you wouldn't get it. Oh, so what you're saying is you don't think I can't understand. What is it I won't understand? And say it slowly, get those mirror neurons working so they're socio-emotionally going to be on the same, same connection line. It basically honors both perspectives. It says, your feelings matter, and you know what? We will find a way forward. And now here's part three: real-world examples. Let's make this real. So if you're a parent out there or you're parenting, you know, and your teenager screams, I hate you, you're ruining my life. Like your instinct says yell back. It does, especially if your emotional, you know, your amygdala fires up. So emotional, emotional first aid says pause, breathe. Then later, maybe in the car when you know eye contact feels less intense because you're looking straight ahead and not each other, say, I hear you, I know this feels huge for you, but let's figure it out together. That one sentence can turn a battlefield into a bridge. And it's hard. It's hard when you know that you're trying to keep that person safe or that your way is probably the correct way of doing it, and you don't like being spoken to the way that the teenagers said that. You're gonna break the connection if you start having that to and fro and that fighting with each other. How about in the workplace? You know, your colleague explodes in a meeting and the old you won't match their energy. You know, emotional first aid says ground yourself, soften your voice and respond with, I can see this is important to you. Can we take five minutes out and come back to it? And that tiny pause can save weeks of workplace attention. You know, again, if they're not your words, just say, hey, I can see that we're both getting escalated here. How about we just come back and grab a drink and we'll come back and have a chat later on? Does um does one o'clock. So look, set a time. That's what I suggest. Set a time and you've locked it in, and then you know, you know, they they actually feel like and know that's important for you to resolve that. How about the mate one? How about relationships? You know, your partner bursts out in frustration. You know, you never listen to me. Instead of falling back with a list of all the times that you know they didn't listen to you or you didn't listen to them. Emotional first aid says, breathe. Lower your shoulders, and answer, I want to hear. Let's try again. Connection, not combat. That's that's what we need. And it's tough. It is so tough. It is so tough. Relationships are so hard. But end of the day, if you win an argument, what have you actually won? You know, you feel make someone feel really bad. So try and work out where you can say, I'm sorry if you don't feel like I'm listening to you, but I am here for you. Can you just explain again what you mean by this? And one of my favourite ones that I like using, which is people probably get sick of me at work doing this, actually, is trying to use humour. But sometimes that's the most powerful tool in your first aid kit because life is often serious and life is often too serious. So I'm not talking about sarcasm, I'm not talking about you know belittling or putting someone down, but just a small reminder the world isn't ending. So humor, you have to, I know you have to pick your times and that kind of stuff, but say if your teenager screams, you know, you're the worst parent or grandparent ever, you might respond with, Well, at least I made the top ten. So you might say that's sarcastic, but deep down they're probably the teenager's probably thinking, What? Oh, I just sort of gave them a backhand compliment, what? And the humour can actually break out. You know, it breaks the circuit. It it doesn't dismiss their feelings, it reminds you both that you're human and at this moment will pass. Another favourite of mine is going up afterwards after having an argument, especially with the teenagers, and just say, Look, I got wrong. I think I got it wrong. I should have I should have listened to you more. And it's in a hard, it's a hard space because the era that I was born up in, and people listening about my age will know this, that back then we used to get the belt or the wooden spoon or you know, the ruler at school. I think I've got the cane twice at school. And you're too scared to make a mistake and or back chat or argue at all, and you had to have instant respect, or you you'd get flogged, or you'd be scared, or be scared of the tone of the voice of your parents. But it doesn't seem to work anymore, and you might say, Well, maybe we shouldn't bring that back, Gary. But I think of those times when that happens, and yes, I had respect for my parents, but did it make me more connected? Did it make me value the relationship more? I don't know. Probably not. So for people listening out there saying, Well, that's this is a soft approach. Well, why it's soft? I think it actually takes more braver bravery and more ticker to actually be the person who you can step back in that moment where you want to retaliate just to be right and save the connection. And by saving that connection, there's more chance of you bonding later on, and you'll probably get more respect later on. So here's an idea: grab your journal and said, I love all your notes app on your phone. Make it real. I love doing this with people when they write down, remember, whatever gets measured, improved. So number one, write this down. Think of the last crisis you faced, and in those first five minutes, what did you do? Did it actually soothe the fire or did it fuel the fire? And write down honestly. Number two, imagine yourself as an emotional first aid responder. How would you show up in those first five minutes? Describe the breathing, grounding, or words now you would use instead of maybe if you were someone who you know fueled the fire. And number three, write a sentence you'd want to carry in your pocket for the next crisis, like a phrase that says, I'm here, you're not alone, we'll get through this. What is something that you would say? And this might change depending on the relationship and who you're speaking with. But what's one mantra, one sentence you could actually say next time there's a conflict? You're gonna say, Really quiet, use those mirror neurons, slow your voice right down and say, I hear you're frustrated. I'm sorry if you think it's me or if I've upset you, but I'm here for you, you're not alone. Talk to me about it. Would that help? Or is what you're doing enough? Emotional first aid isn't about fixing everything, it's about holding space until the storm passes. And the first five minutes of crisis will not erase the pain. It won't. But what it can do is change the story. So the next time that life blinds blindsides you, remember breathe, ground, connect. You may not feel like much, but sometimes presence is the most powerful medicine. And who knows? Those five minutes could save not just relationship, but a life.