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Gratitude Isn't Glitter on Grief: Healing from the Inside Out

• Garry

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SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to another edition of GW Unspoken where we discuss stuff we don't need to particularly talk about, but you know what, we probably should. And today we do up to episode seven of our social emotional well-being series, and it's called Healing from Inside and Out, and it's about your brand on gratitude. And we've all heard it, we've all heard that word, haven't we? It's become very common, and we say write three things you're thankful for, and keep a journal and think positive. Man, man, it I kept about a dollar every time I said that now. Oh, we mean there. But let's be honest, sometimes gratitude feels like being told to sprinkle glitter over grief and to say thank you for scraps when you know all you need is an actual feast. So today I want to challenge you with a glossy Instagram version of what gratitude is, because the gratitude, real gratitude, isn't about toxic positivity or ignoring pain, it's about rewiring the brain, healing from inside out. And the science proves this. So if you're someone who is so against gratitude or won't give yourself the time or space to do it, the science actually says that it changes your neural pathways, the way you think and feel, and therefore the way you act. So let's get into it. Part one gratitude isn't always pretty. This is the controversy, right? Let's get something straight. Gratitude is not about pretending everything is fine. So when you say, oh, let's do some gratitude, it's not suddenly, oh, great guys. I know it's not going to make me better. Right? It's not about pretending everything is fine. It's telling someone battling depression to just be grateful. It's like telling them that if they had a broken leg, look, just walk it off, you'd be fine. Studies have shown the fact is this that the studies have shown that forced gratitude, where you feel guilty for not being thankful enough, actually increases stress and shame. So, no, gratitude isn't about sugarcoating suffering. Real gratitude is about seeing clearly the pain and the possibility. It's about saying, yes, life sucks right now and it hurts like hell right now, and there's still one thing, however, the small that anchors me. And and it could be an attitude, it couldn't be a thing, it doesn't have to be a material thing. It could be that I'm still alive and I'm punching through to another day here. You know, this is your brain on it on gratitude. This is the science. When you practice genuine gratitude, your brain literally changes. Gratitude activates the ventromedial prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain linked with reward, empathy, and decision making. It boosts dopamine and serotonin, the same neurotransmitters targeted by antidepressants. And here's a fun fact for you. So you know, think I'm just making this stuff up. A 2015 study at UC Berkeley found that quote, people who wrote gratitude letters showed stronger brain activity in the medial prefrontal cortex months later, proving that gratitude has lasting effects. So here's another twist. Gratitude doesn't just make you feel good, it makes your brain more resilient. It requires you to scan for possibility, not just threat. It doesn't erase hardship, it changes how you carry it. So, what's some real-world examples? So I like talking this about you know, parenting, workplace, personal, so you can get a touch or feel of one of these or few of these that may hopefully resonate with you. Here's parenting. My mum told me once, my son is struggling at school, and every day it feels like a battle. Gratitude journey felt insulting until one night I just wrote, I'm grateful he came home today. And you know what? That small act softened the rage. Again, gratitude didn't fix the problem, but it kept the love at the table. Here's one for workplace. You probably see it all the time. Burned out employees look at the teaching profession, you know, they roll their eyes at wellness programs, they say, be thankful for your job. I used to do this as part of my role as a well-being coordinator, mid leader. What if what tell someone beside you what three things are great for? Let's check in and see how we're feeling out of five. And you'd see the eye rolls. But those same people who are doing the eye rolls within three to five minutes of the start of this little segment I had were the ones smiling, laughing, connecting with others, and dolphins going through the roof. Alright, so being thankful for your job, that's not gratitude, that's gaslighting. We're talking about real gratitude, and that might be I'm grateful for the colleagues who checked in on me when I stayed late. It names the flicker of the good without denying the fire. And here's a personal one. How about I remember standing in grief hearing people say, At least you had time together. That phrase really stung because it skipped the loss. Real gratitude wasn't found in their words. It was in my own heart, weeks later, whispering, I'm grateful for the laugh I still hear in my memory. But gratitude, real gratitude, doesn't erase pain. It holds it in gentler hands. But don't get me wrong, gratitude can feel dangerous. And here's where I want to push you a bit and be a bit controversial, probably. Gratitude can be dangerous if it's used as a weapon. Dangerous as in when leaders tell staff to just be thankful for having a job. Dangerous when communities are told to be grateful for what they've been given instead of empowered to thrive. It can be dangerous when people are in toxic relationships, stay resilient because they're told to count their blessing. So let's be clear here. Gratitude isn't compliance, it's not shutting up and smiling. It's a radical act of noticing good without denying injustice and saying, I see the cracks, but I also see the light coming through them. Toxic positivity is a massive it's a book out there. I forget the author now, sorry, but I read a book called Toxic Positivity, and it basically talks about if you compare yourself with somebody else and saying things like, you know, you should be happy, you should be grateful. Gary, you may have this bad in your life, but you should be grateful because you still have both your legs in working order, where some people are in wheelchairs or have lost their legs in the war or accidents. So suck it up. You should actually be grateful and you shouldn't be that upset. And throughout that book is really powerful because they said your emotional baggage or hurt might be just as much emotionally as someone else who has that physical impairment if that makes sense. And logically, if you think about it, that shouldn't make sense, but it can. So for people again who are skeptical out there, I'm not saying that gratefulness solves all the problems, but does start changing the way you think of things. Again, being grateful for what you do have rather than what you don't have. Being grateful for what you have and not comparing with other people and what they have. It's powerful. It changes those neural pathways, it changes the way you look at things. So look, grab it, grab a journal, you know, pause them if you need to, open up your phone, hope you're not driving, get on the notes sections. Again, these are the three things I'd like to challenge you with. Write down a moment, number one, we were told to just be grateful and how did it make you feel? Did it make you feel encouraged or did it feel you make you feel minimized or dismissed? And just be honest. Number two, think of one hardship in your life right now. What is one tiny thread of gratitude within it? Not to raise the pain, but to soften how you could hold it. And number three, write a gratitude statement that feels radical, not polite. Something that says, I'm grateful in this mess, not despite it. Heard a great thing from the Lions coach today just saying that we don't have any failures. We have wins and we have learnings. And I just love that. I just love how he's got that growth mindset. And I think he's used it from somebody else before too. But it's just a way we can look at things differently. And if we keep repeating that over and over in our minds, that newer pathway becomes thicker and it becomes more common and actually shapes the way we look at things and the way our thoughts work, it actually changes our behaviors and therefore it changes our actions. So it's really powerful. Gratitude isn't about writing pretty lists in pastel journals, it's not. It's about survival, it's about rewiring a brain shaped by stress, trauma, and pain to remember, not all is lost. Gratitude doesn't erase suffering. It sits beside us, it puts its hand on our shoulder, whispering, You're still here, and there is still good. So the next time, the next time that someone tells you to just be grateful, don't roll your eyes. Redefine it. Gratitude is not glitter on grief. It is a slow, steady rebuilding of the soul from inside out. And maybe, just maybe, it's the most rebellious form of healing we have.