Letting Go: Why it is so hard

In this episode of Women's Mental Health Podcast, we dive deep into the art and necessity of letting go. Join us as Randi Owsley, LMSW, and Jessica Bullwinkle, LMFT, share their collective 22 years of wisdom in guiding women through emotional release techniques, the path to self-forgiveness, and the power of moving on from what no longer serves us. Together, we'll explore everything from healing after heartbreak and transforming anger into empowerment, to the profound spiritual growth that comes from releasing the past. Whether you're navigating the aftermath of betrayal, seeking peace after loss, or looking to fortify your self-care toolkit, this episode is your invitation to embrace the freedom and empowerment that come from truly letting go. 

Practicing mindfulness can be a modern, healing-centered approach to gently releasing the echoes of past trauma, guiding us towards a future where we are no longer held by the chains of our histories.  Creating new boundaries is a testament to our self-respect, signaling a move towards healthier relationships and fervent self-care. Acknowledging the weight of guilt and taking active steps to shed this burden can be a liberating aspect of a woman's journey, empowering us to release control where we need to, in order to find genuine peace.

In our upcoming podcasts, we're taking a deep dive into the heart of women's mental wellness, exploring themes that resonate deeply with our shared experience of growth, healing, and empowerment. We'll start by unpacking the power of creating new boundaries, a testament to self-respect and a crucial step towards nurturing healthier relationships and prioritizing self-care. Together, we'll navigate the journey of letting go of guilt—a journey many of us are all too familiar with—and discover ways to significantly lighten this load that often weighs heavily on our hearts.

FAQs
Why is letting go so hard?
What does letting go actually mean?3. How can I start the process of letting go?What are some practices to facilitate letting go?5. How do I know when I've successfully let go?
Can letting go change my relationships?
What if I struggle with letting go of negative self-perceptions?
Is it normal to feel grief when letting go?
How can letting go impact my mental health?
What if I need help letting go?

#ProtectYourPeaceNow #EmotionalWellnessMatters #FindYourInnerCalm #PrioritizeYourMentalHealth #HealthyBoundariesHappierLife #StressManagementStrategies #AnxietyReliefTips #ResilienceBuildingJourney #MindfulnessMatters #SelfCareEmpowerment #gratitude

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Transcript

Randi: 0:14

Welcome back to the women's mental health podcast. I'm randy. I'm And I'm Jess. And we are two licensed psychotherapists, and this is a safe space where we talk about mental health, well being, and strategies for coping with life's challenges. And how all of this is normal, and you are not alone. We're excited for today's episode because we're tackling a topic that comes up for so many of us, how to let go.

Jess: 0:38

we're going to talk about letting go and what that really means, I find a lot of times when we talk about letting go, we think we have to just forget and move on and that's it. And people don't want to. And I wanted to take this idea and kind of run with it and have some practical ways to process letting go. Find us and more information on womensmentalhealthpodcast. com. Have you ever had these thoughts?

Randi: 1:03

Why is letting go so hard? What does letting go actually mean? How can I start the process of letting go? What are some practices to facilitate letting go? How do I know when I've successively let go? Can letting go change my relationships?

Jess: 1:18

What if I struggle with letting go of all the negative self perceptions? What happens? Oh my gosh.

Randi: 1:24

Is it normal to feel grief when letting go? How can letting go impact my mental health? What if I need help letting go? We'll answer all these in depth at the end.

Jess: 1:35

Definitely. Let's start with that concept of letting go and what it actually means, Randi.

Randi: 1:41

At its core, letting go is about releasing attachment to things, thoughts, situations, or feelings that aren't serving us. This could be holding on to a grudge, a regret, or even, like we talked about, a negative self image that doesn't align with who we are or making our life better. So we can just Marie Kondo it? Is that

Jess: 2:02

what we're talking about? Just if it doesn't bring me joy, I'm gonna let go? Just let it go. Kick it out. Yeah. Okay, so So this can be really hard because we have this expectation maybe for us or somebody else and letting go or letting go of this past event that we can't change, Those thoughts of, what wish I would have done something different. It's less about forgetting. About it. It's more about making peace with it and allowing yourself to move forward. That's a big part right there Letting go is about making peace With whatever happened or whatever decision was made or that event that keeps popping up in your brain all the time It's about making peace with it.

Randi: 2:41

That doesn't necessarily mean giving up or not caring that this happened or this was done to you or the that your trust was broken, whatever it is, it means releasing that it was outside of your control, which is very, it's a lot harder than it sounds, but it can be incredibly freeing and uplifting when it happens. Mm

Jess: 3:04

hmm. It really can. And it's very much like this Buddhist idea, this letting go or we find this like this Oh, like I've got my fingers in the Yeah. I don't know, that's this kind of hippie, I don't call it hippie dippie, hippie dippie feelings. Well, it is and it isn't

Randi: 3:19

because I've done EMDR therapy and practiced it and had it done on myself and I feel like that in a way is letting go. Mm hmm. And there is a little bit of, sometimes it feels like woo woo hippie dippie to it, but our brain is very powerful. We can create these pathways of letting go of things that are holding us down.

Jess: 3:39

That's just like tapping and brain spotting same kind of thing is letting Accepting or coming to terms with whatever it is that happened

Randi: 3:48

because especially as women we tend to hold on to relationships memories guilt shame More tightly than others. It's ingrained in us and that leads to a lot of stressing, anxiety and resentment even towards ourselves. And

Jess: 4:02

that mental load that we already carry, which is such bullshit, but that mental load that we already carry, we're always keeping track of everything. And we often hold on to things that we don't need to anymore. It doesn't serve a purpose. It doesn't need to be about it. So when we let, hold on, when we don't let go, we're adding another Mental burden to ourselves and it's just one more thing. We're putting into that mental burden, suitcase That's above us and I

Randi: 4:29

feel like that's why so many women are so mentally drained right now because we're holding on to regrets or trauma or negative self talk and that harms our psyche and our self esteem and It's important to realize that you can let go and you can reclaim that energy and focus it on things that bring you joy and

Jess: 4:53

growth. Now what's really funny is that this last week Randy and I both have gone through and kind of rage cleaned some areas of our lives. Yeah, I can finally walk in my master closet again. Like I'm not

Randi: 5:03

there yet, but

Jess: 5:04

it's beautiful She's gone through her office. I'm not there yet I mean it's interesting how we're letting go of some of the stuff that's been literally all Weighing us down. Yeah, exactly. Like physically, too. Yes, and I walk, every time I walk in my closet now because I've got my pink chair in there and I'm like, Oh, it's so pretty now. Yeah,

Randi: 5:21

I can see it. I can see it. It's not buried in whatever. So it's great. So that's, that leads us into talking about practical steps of starting to let go. So what are some things that have worked for you?

Jess: 5:33

For me, writing is a release. Just writing a list, writing, just like a bullet journal, whatever it is, I write down what I'm holding on to, worries or resentments or fears. And then I go through the list one by one and consciously tell myself, I released this. It is a very symbolic. Cross it out. Yeah. And then I shred that shit. But I, it's a symbolic act and it helps me let it go mentally. The other thing is I will do my tapping. And it doesn't have to serve the purpose. It doesn't have to continue. I'm sitting here tapping. Because it's, releasing this energy that is weighing me down.

Randi: 6:11

I love that. Another one that I do myself and I really recommend is the power of reframing. Reframing your thoughts. When you find yourself holding on to something, ask yourself, What is this giving me? Why am I holding on to this? If you are finding that it's, bringing you stress, pain, try to shift your focus. For example, instead of thinking about a past mistake that's weighing you down, focus on what you learned from that past mistake. And how your life You know what's positively maybe impacted from it this shift in thinking can make it easier to release those Negative feelings that you're holding on to

Jess: 6:53

Exactly. It's looking at it differently because yes, that is something that happened and we're not talking toxic positivity guys We're not saying you're gonna make lemonade out of that lemon, right? What we're saying is that look at it and go, okay, did I learn something from that? Okay, great. That doesn't have to define who I am right now or anymore. It was, a past mistake or a past issue. So I think it's a really good approach. Another tool though is practicing mindfulness. That one right there most of us do not do at all.

Randi: 7:24

Well it's hard when you are Feeling like you're drowning in all this guilt or shame or past thoughts.

Jess: 7:32

Yeah. So mindfulness is about being in the present when you feel yourself clinging to something from your past or worrying about your future, ground yourself in the present moment. And, Randy and I like to go ground ourself and walk through the grass or be barefoot or just breathe, blow

Randi: 7:49

our bubbles. Yeah, so those are some ways that you can do it. Another thing, too, is I will consciously put down my phone and put it away. So I can be present for my kids. Look at them while they're talking to me. Because oftentimes we're, our attention is divided that I find myself not being present. Being a busy, working, overwhelmed, mentally drained, human being, and I'm like, I need to give them, five minutes of my attention. I can set this down. I can look at them. I can listen. I can be here. Same thing with your partner, or your friends. Put the phone down, give yourself that five to 10 minutes.

Jess: 8:22

Exactly. Another favorite of mine is just forgiveness

Randi: 8:27

is

Jess: 8:27

really just forgiving yourself. it doesn't mean excusing harmful behavior, but it's about freeing yourself from the emotional burden of it.

Randi: 8:38

That's so interesting. I just had a conversation the other day randomly with the the tech at my optometrist appointment. And I don't know how he got on it, but she was like, I still. Even though I've done so much, she said, I still feel guilty that my kids have trauma. And I said, I look at it this way, that I have caused less trauma to my kids than was caused to me. This is how I reframe it. So I tell my kids, I screwed you up less than I was screwed up. So I'm taking that as a win. I broke a bunch of generational, trauma and curses that weighed me down. And I said, now it's your turn to take that. And I said, so you're less screwed up than I was. So I'm going to take that as a win. I said, we can't control everything that happens to our kids or the way life happens. And I said, so we can't carry that burden and that guilt that we didn't give them 100 percent of everything that this perfect life. I said, that's not how life works. I said, life is rough out there. So I said, you need to, give yourself some kindness and a break. And she was like, Oh, I really like the way of Thinking about that. And I was like, there I go offering my free advice.

Jess: 9:47

That's so funny. Cause I tell people that I'm sure I'm screwing my kid up somehow, probably in a way that I don't even realize, because I'm trying to cope and adjust for all of the ways that were done to me or that I went through. So I'm trying so hard, but I am positive. I am giving a future therapist a job somewhere. It's gonna be something that I didn't even know about. She's gonna be like yes, my mother was a therapist and now I'm traumatized by this. Exactly. So what did I ask her one day? I said, do you ever want to go to therapy? She's like, why I have you. And I was like. Oh, okay, so eventually you're going to probably need to be in therapy to undo what I've done. I'm sure, absolutely.

Randi: 10:26

Oh gosh.

Jess: 10:27

Okay, and lastly though, if you are having a problem letting go of your people pleasing tendencies like most women do, practice setting boundaries. Go back and listen to all of our podcasts on boundaries because we love boundaries. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Learn to say no, or learn to ask for space when you need it. It, both of those things are a form of letting go.

Randi: 10:51

And we also have podcasts on that, on stop saying sorry, learning to say no, communicating effectively. We have a lot of content for you guys to

Jess: 11:01

support this. I was reading something the other day that said, I've stopped, this woman says, I stopped moving out of men's way, and so far, I've run into 28 men just today. And then somebody else She was making space for herself. She was not making space for herself, but she was, well, yeah, okay.

Randi: 11:22

Physically, yeah.

Jess: 11:23

But she was, before, getting out of their way because they were men, and she said, I stopped doing that. And then somebody else says, you know what's so funny? I recently stopped doing it too, and men just keep running, walking into me. And I was like, I'm gonna try that. I'm going to notice if I go into a store and if I excuse myself and make way for a man to walk forward. That's

Randi: 11:44

interesting because I'm thinking of like when I'm in the store, like shopping or grocery shopping. And I guess I do tend to move out of the way of other people because I feel like most people aren't self aware. And I'm being more self aware, so I'm moving out of the way, I'm just going to ram into everybody. So it's cool.

Jess: 12:01

Sometimes I just stop and just stare at them.

Randi: 12:04

Yeah you get out of

Jess: 12:05

my way. I drove into the school the other day, the high school, and apparently everybody was leaving at the exact same time. Yeah. And these boys, and I'm in my car, so again, I'm going slow. I stopped my car as I was driving. Are you okay? Are you spilling on yourself over there? Yeah,

Randi: 12:21

I'm spilling. I'm spilling all over

Jess: 12:22

myself. I have a hole in my

Randi: 12:23

lip. I'm just ADHD. So I can't ever make anything go in my mouth. All right. That's just wrong. Just stop Stop that train of thought. I

Jess: 12:32

see your face right now Okay, so I'm gonna go back to my story. I was at the high school parking lot and these boys are walking out and The majority of them all, actually all but one, moved around the car, but this one boy was walking on, looking at his phone, wasn't even paying attention where he was going. He's just walking. And I literally stopped my car, and I was just staring at him. I wasn't gonna honk. I was literally gonna let him walk into my car. Because it wasn't me doing it. And he got right to the edge of my car and then looked up Oh, hey, there's a car here. Totally unaware that somebody was there. And I was dying. I was like Dude, you got to pay attention. This goes back to the protect your peace, Keep your space. Don't give up your space for other people. Physically

Randi: 13:14

and mentally and emotionally. You have that space. Own it.

Jess: 13:19

Yes. Own it. Don't make

Randi: 13:20

anybody make you feel less than.

Jess: 14:12

Exactly. I don't know where our tangent just went, but it just went all over, whatever.

Randi: 14:16

Now

Jess: 14:16

we're back. Let's go through now and answer our have you evas.

Randi: 14:21

So Jess, why is letting go so? I

Jess: 14:26

think it's so hard because it's so deeply intertwined with our emotions and our memories and our hopes and dreams. It's so much part of our lives that we've invested in significantly. Emotionally, again, mentally, and sometimes physically, that it's just a process of confronting change. And, oh, Change is hard. Oh my gosh. Facing these unknowns and sometimes it's having to redefine our sense of self, which is right there is really hard. Yeah, and getting pushback from other people

Randi: 14:58

and things like that.

Jess: 15:00

It's tough. Especially because when you start setting boundaries, people do not like your boundaries. Yeah, they don't like it. Yeah. Okay, so Randy, what does letting go actually mean?

Randi: 15:08

It means releasing your death grip on your thoughts, memories, people, or situations that no longer serve your well being or no longer serve who you are as a person right now or your growth or your career or, your friendship, whatever it is. It's about acknowledging these feelings. learning from that past experience and making peace with the fact that moving forward involves sometimes letting them go, letting them rest, letting them be, forgiven. We don't always have to forget, but sometimes letting it go so you can move. Through a new door you can grow you can not letting this shit weigh you down So just how do we start the process of letting go? What's the first step to take?

Jess: 16:02

I really gotta watch that Marie Kondo, right? You gotta go through your life and acknowledge what you're holding on to and why are you holding on to this? Like when those thoughts pop up in your head Why are you holding on to it? What purpose does it serve, right? When you can understand what that emotional attachment is, that is so important because so many times I will ask people, what purpose does that serve? Why are you holding on to this? What is it making you feel like? And why do we keep holding on to this? Because normally Especially if it

Randi: 16:33

makes you feel like shit.

Jess: 16:34

Exactly. Why are you torturing yourself? There's a reason you're torturing yourself. When you can do this and you express your feelings, right? You could do it through journaling or talking with your therapist or friend or other creative, art therapies, setting small, manageable intentions to release these attachments each day can really start to guide you through this journey. when I do tapping with my clients. We'll tap and I say, when it comes back up, I want you to tap again, just tap, just tell yourself it's okay to let this go. Bring yourself

Randi: 17:03

back into the present, yeah,

Jess: 17:05

it's okay to let that thought go. It doesn't need to serve a purpose anymore. And that's literally what I have people tap.

Randi: 17:11

It

Jess: 17:11

doesn't serve a purpose. It's okay to let it go. Yeah. Okay, so Randi, what are some practices to facilitate letting go?

Randi: 17:18

Mindfulness meditation can be incredibly grounding, helping you stay in the present. Jess was talking about tapping physical activity, like yoga, walking Pilates, it can help you bring you into the moment. Having some peaceful time to process things and letting these pent up emotions go physically. Also engaging in activities that fill you with joy, whether that's crafting, journaling, grabbing coffee. Just shifting your focus towards the present. The now and the future instead of holding on to things that are holding you back,

Jess: 17:57

Another thing real quick, instead of meditation, you can also pray. Sometimes you can just put it out to the universe, put it out to your God, whatever it is. Praying is another form of meditation. And so sometimes people are like, I can't meditate. Well, can you pray? Yeah. Okay. Then go for it. Do that. Yeah. That is very much similar.

Randi: 18:17

So just how do you know when you have successfully let go of something? Well, and the shit doesn't bother you anymore when you're like,

Jess: 18:25

whatever. you know you're making progress when the thought of what you're letting go of no longer carries that heavy emotional weight that it used to. You might find that you're thinking about it less, or when you do, it's not with such a visceral reaction, Like maybe instead of having that gut punch that, oh god, that happened, you can find some peace in yourself and say something along the lines of, I, I am okay, or I forgive myself for that, or I understand that's where I was at that time. I'm no longer that person, or I'm no longer there, and so it doesn't happen overnight, but again, if you go do some tapping or some EMDR, that stuff can go pretty fast. It's a really cool thing to do.

Randi: 19:05

Yeah, it's hard to walk through, but it's very freeing when you do.

Jess: 19:09

Oh yeah, oh yeah. Okay, so Randy, can letting go change my relationships? Yes.

Randi: 19:15

Yes, yes, yes. Because it means you're working on setting healthy boundaries in yourself and in relationships. And this can shift dynamics. It can also lead to deeper connections with those who respect your boundaries and support your boundaries and support you growing. And that's a good thing. Remember, changes and relationships are not Not only inevitable, but they are also necessary for our own mental health, well being and development.

Jess: 19:44

And sometimes our relationships don't grow at the same time. I've heard Randy talk about, and I'm sure you guys remember that we have seasons of friendships. That also means sometimes that friend, they're going to grow and come back. And it may take them a different time of growth. And so it doesn't mean that you're ending it, you're cutting it off and wiping your hands of, clearing it. But sometimes it just, we don't all grow at the same time. Yeah, it's

Randi: 20:10

not the right timing and we have to be okay with that. That everybody doesn't think like we do. Everybody's not on the same path as we are. Everybody has different traumas and mental health struggles and obligations. And so we might not all converge at the same time and it's okay for us to go off. and come back and or leave and not, it might not, it might not come back, they always say if you love something set it free or whatever and I feel like that's More if you love yourself, you know set these things free and it sets yourself free and But what if you are struggling with letting go, especially of negative self perceptions? I know we don't like to think that, but we as women talk down to ourselves and have really bad negative self talk. So it can be hard to let go of that if you're used to talking to yourself like that.

Jess: 20:58

It can. It really takes time and patience because Our perception is really rooted in these past experiences of things that have happened to us or things that we've done. And so if we can practice self compassion and really challenge these negative perceptions or thoughts, we can start making these changes and improve positives about ourselves. Most of the time when I ask people, what do you like about yourself? Nobody can tell me what they like about themselves. It is. Cause you, you're like, I don't, I don't know. I'm just going to pick my flaws. But go ask your bestie, your mom, what they like about you. And for the most part, they can tell you immediately what they like about you. And they're not going to sit there and go, Hmm, yeah, I don't like that about you. But they're going to find those things and so that's what's going to happen is that you're going to be able to start to find What you like about you and that and letting go of the stuff you don't like letting go of the stuff You can't change. So Randi, is it normal to feel grief when letting go? Oh, yes.

Randi: 22:00

Grief is ever present and most everything that we do Especially when change is happening. It's a natural Part of the letting go process. It signifies the loss of something over significant in our lives. Even if it was something negative, you can still grieve that trauma, or that hurt, or that grudge, or that broken relationship. Allowing yourself to mourn and grieve this loss is part of the healing process. It's part of the letting go process. When you embrace the emotions that come with that, whether they're sadness, Or what, or wistfulness over this. You're giving yourself permission to heal that and let that go fully and let it rest.

Jess: 22:46

Mm hmm. It doesn't mean you have to forget about it either. No. It just means that you don't have to feel the intensity. You don't have to. Yeah,

Randi: 22:53

It's not like a weight. Like pulling you down. So just how does letting go impact your mental health?

Jess: 23:00

I think it's really challenging at first. And people have a hard time with this piece because letting go, it's something that we think we, we always hold on to. We're taught as society or something. I, who, But what it will do is it's going to relieve your stress and your anxiety and your depression. That feeling of shame when you think of that stupid thing. I'm air quoting stupid thing. Yeah. That you did back in, college freshman year. When your brain wasn't even developed. Exactly. Let go. Forgive

Randi: 23:29

yourself for that. And you know, A lot of women who are diagnosed late in life with ADHD, that's how they feel. Because they're like, oh man, I made some stupid decisions. Oh, I made so many f'ed up decisions. But you know what?

Jess: 23:41

Now that I know I'm diagnosed as ADHD, then I'm like, oh, well. I was able to forgive myself for that stuff. Yes. Because I

Randi: 23:48

didn't know any better and I realized now that my brain was wired differently. I kept going like, why can't I? Be this way. Why can I do this? Why am I doing this when I know, I shouldn't be like, oh, okay, like right self compassion. It is. Like

Jess: 24:02

forgiveness. Exactly. And so when you can do that, you can start to change and really love that person you were, even if they did some stupid ass shit, right? Yeah. Alright, Randi, what if I need help letting go?

Randi: 24:16

Seeking support is always a sign of strength. It's never a sign of weakness. Whether that's confiding in friends or your family, finding a support group, or finding a professional counselor. Having a support system can really provide guidance when you're feeling adrift and a lot of comfort. So you don't have to walk this path alone, especially if you're struggling with it, and seeking help is always a brave step towards your well being.

Jess: 24:47

So there you have it. We have a little roadmap for Starting to learn to let go. It's not an easy direct map, but it's incredibly freeing and a very valuable tool for you to put into your toolbox. I think that's really what I want to focus on this upcoming year for everybody, is to really build a toolbox for y'all, so that way you've got your coping skills, because When we can have our toolbox, when these things come up, we can pull back and go, does that serve me? This no longer serves me or I don't have to feel the shame every time it pops up. It's okay to let that feeling or that intensity go,

Randi: 25:28

you know what I'm thinking of, those little like pink

Jess: 25:30

toolboxes I bought us. Oh my god. I love my toolbox. It's totally pink

Randi: 25:34

in my garage We should make I'm thinking of that putting all these little things we need into a coping toolbox for all of our listeners And we like build upon it for the new year. I think that's a great idea. I

Jess: 25:43

think that's your thing. Yeah Pat on the back. I love, and my husband makes fun of my, my pink toolbox in my workshop all the time. And I was like, you better watch out, buddy. I'll start spray painting everything pink in here because I love it. So remember that letting go is a skill. It is okay that it's going to take you time. Yes. Just tell yourself. Everything takes time. It's okay. It takes time. It takes

Randi: 26:06

steps. Sometimes we go forward and then we take ten steps back and then we gotta take two steps forward and then we gotta take another ten steps back. It can be that give and take when you're learning to change and that's okay. It's like we said, perfection doesn't exist.

Jess: 26:19

So if you're feeling stuck. Reach out for support, whether that's a friend, or a family member, or a mental health professional. It's okay. Letting go doesn't mean it has to be done alone. You can let go with people. You can ask for forgiveness. You can show up and say, I, yeah, I did this and I can let go of that.

Randi: 26:39

We hope this episode has given you some ideas and encouragement for your own journey on letting go. And if you know someone who could benefit from this topic, please share this episode with them. Like this, leave us a comment or share a review with us. Thanks for listening in. Bye.