How to Stop Doing Things Out of Obligation

Do you feel drained from constantly saying "yes" out of obligation? In this episode of Women’s Mental Health Podcast, we dive into the power of setting boundaries, overcoming guilt, and breaking free from people-pleasing. Join Randi Owsley, LMSW, and Jessica Bullwinkle, LMFT—licensed psychotherapists with 23 years of experience in women’s mental health—as they unpack the emotional toll of obligation, how to stop people-pleasing, and practical strategies to prioritize yourself without guilt. If you’re ready to reclaim your time, energy, and mental well-being, this episode is for you!

Struggling to break free from the cycle of doing things out of obligation? It’s time to set boundaries and prioritize yourself without guilt. Learn how to stop people-pleasing and start making choices that align with your well-being. Discover practical coping skills and tools to help you say no without guilt, establish healthy mental health boundaries, and regain control over your time and energy. Whether you’re looking for strategies to start breaking free from obligation or insights on how to prioritize yourself, you’ll find the resources and support you need to create a healthier, more balanced life.

In upcoming episodes, we’ll dive deeper into essential topics that impact women’s mental health, including the power of setting boundaries, the connection between people-pleasing and anxiety, and how ADHD influences the struggle to say no. We’ll also explore the challenges of postpartum and boundaries, as well as overcoming guilt as a mom. Our goal is to provide actionable strategies and real-life insights to help you break free from obligation and reclaim your sense of self. Stay tuned and join the conversation using #BoundariesMatter, #PeoplePleasingNoMore, #MentalHealthForMoms, #SayNoWithoutGuilt, and #SelfCareNotObligation.

Why is it important to stop doing things out of obligation?

How do I start setting boundaries without feeling guilty?

Can saying 'no' to obligations improve my relationships?

What if saying 'no' leads to conflicts or misunderstandings?

How do I deal with the fear of missing out (FOMO)?

What if my choices upset people I care about?

How do I differentiate between obligation and genuine desire?

What are some practical ways to politely decline an obligation?

How do I maintain my resolve when it feels easier just to give in?

#BoundariesMatter #PeoplePleasingNoMore #SayNoWithoutGuilt #BreakFreeFromObligation #MentalHealthBoundaries #StopPeoplePleasing #PrioritizeYourself #SelfCareNotObligation #OvercomingGuilt #WomenEmpoweringWomen

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Transcript

Randi: 0:14

Welcome back to the women's mental health podcast. I'm randy. I'm And I'm Jess. And we are two licensed psychotherapists, and this is a safe space where we talk about mental health, well being, and strategies for coping with life's challenges. And how all of this is normal, and you are not alone. Today we're talking about a powerful topic that can be life changing for women deciding to stop doing things out of obligation. This is something many women struggle with, whether it's in a relationship, at work, or even within their families. It can have a huge impact on mental health and well being.

Jess: 0:46

Exactly. I have decided I will no longer do things out of obligation. That is just right there. Look at me. I'm like powerful. Yeah. I'm not

Randi (2): 0:56

going to do it anymore. We're going to put our foot down.

Jess: 0:59

To

Randi (2): 0:59

say

Jess: 0:59

no. I'm going to be my inner toddler. Okay. Find us and more information on womensmentalhealthpodcast. com.

Randi: 1:06

So have you ever had these thoughts?

Jess: 1:08

Why is it so important to stop doing things out of obligation?

Randi: 1:12

How do I start setting boundaries without feeling guilty?

Jess: 1:16

Can I say no to obligations and can it improve my relationship?

Randi: 1:20

What if saying no leads to conflict or misunderstandings? Mm hmm.

Jess: 1:25

How do I deal with the fear of missing out, FOMO? Which, by the way, we did a podcast on that, FOMO vs.

Randi: 1:32

JOMO. Anyways, okay, that's why we're talking about this. Yeah. What if my choices upset people that I care about?

Randi (2): 1:40

How do I differentiate

Jess: 1:41

between obligation and genuine desire? That's a good one.

Randi: 1:45

Is it possible to find a balance between being accommodating and maintaining my own personal boundaries?

Jess: 1:53

What are

Randi (2): 1:53

some practical ways to

Jess: 1:54

politely decline an obligation? And I think that one we should probably role play that a little bit, because that's a good one to say no thank you or without giving too much or any excuses.

Randi: 2:04

So how do I maintain my boundaries? And my resolve when it feels easier just to give in. Mm hmm. How do we define an obligation?

Jess: 2:15

For me, when I say we do things out of obligation, what we're talking about is making choices or saying yes to things, not because we generally want to, but because we feel like we should, or that we have to. Remember the shoulds and the haves and the couldas and wouldas.

Randi: 2:33

I feel like kind of an obligation, like the definition has gotten Smudged because it used to be like something that you have to do that is going to impact your livelihood or You have to do it. Yeah, your life.

Jess: 2:47

We do it to avoid guilt most of the time. We do it because we're trying to meet somebody else's expectations or we're trying to maintain some status quo. And so it's not because it's going to impact our life. I think obligations now are more so based upon feelings. We're doing it to try to avoid something. No! We're not.

Randi: 3:05

obligated. We feel obligated. Yes. So it's just that we're feeling this guilt or this shame we're attaching an emotion to this event. It's not a necessity. But we feel maybe like it is

Jess: 3:21

well, because most of us are people pleasers. And so we're trying to make other people happy so we're not maintaining our boundaries by doing this. The problem is that when we live with this obligation mode, it really leads to us getting resentment and burnt out and really not feeling fulfilled because we're doing stuff for other people or that we think other people think we should be doing. Do and doesn't that get confusing that we think that other people think we should be doing it so that we do it, but we don't really know.

Randi: 3:51

Yeah, because we've we're not actually communicating or asking them maybe that's where we need to start is saying. Is this really important to you? Oh. Is this going to affect our friendship if I don't show up? Or is this going to affect my position at work really, what is the bottom line here? I think that we just like tiptoe around this. I know, but what if they said, yeah, and you're like, I

Jess: 4:14

still don't want to do it.

Randi: 4:15

At least then you know you tried.

Jess: 4:17

So okay, let's go through and let's talk about where did these feelings of obligation come from?

Randi: 4:21

For many women, I feel it's rooted in social conditioning. It's how like society has brought us up. We, like you said, are taught to be people pleasers from a young age, whether it's in our families, our schools. Oh, go hug Uncle Creepy

Randi (2): 4:36

Joe.

Randi: 4:37

Yeah, no. We learn to attach. Gratification with these things okay, that made, my mom or my teacher happy because I did what they asked of me, even if I didn't like doing it, or it made me feel

Jess: 4:53

awkward. Is that gratification, or is that like, how, what's the word I'm thinking of, Randi? Here, let me see if I can get my brain to you. It's like

Randi: 4:59

reward. Yeah. Rewarded. Because,

Jess: 5:02

exactly. Exactly. Yeah,

Randi: 5:04

I, I think that we learn to think that it's gratifying, but we're like associating it like Pavlov's dog, right? Like he associated whatever, the bell with the tree. We learn to think that maybe this is how it's perceived to be, but in reality, it's not, and it's not really fulfilling and gratifying, it's not. Making our hearts happy.

Jess: 5:27

Well, that's because we also learned from a young age that saying no is selfish you're being difficult. You're being selfish or you're Ungrateful if you say no, I don't want to do that. Well, why because you're ungrateful And so it gets reinforced in our family dynamics. It gets reinforced at school and work culture. If you say no to the project, you're no longer a team player, even though you're like, that's a shitty project. And I don't want that project. But then that's what happens if you say no or put boundaries on it. And that is, I think what this current generation or this current timeframe that we're in is trying to change.

Randi: 6:04

Yeah. Is that

Jess: 6:05

we're not doing that anymore.

Randi: 6:06

Yeah. And also I feel like how women, we've talked about this, time and time again are the kin keepers, we're the nurturers, we're the accommodating, we're supposed to make sacrifices. Well, that's not fair. We're not the only ones in this equation. It doesn't always need to fall on us to be the ones that are cutting into our personal time or our sanity, or our well being.

Jess: 6:29

So I announced to my family this year, there's four of us. And I just said, you know what? This year we all get to do somebody else's stocking. I'm no longer doing all the stockings. I said, I'm going to do one person. One person can do mine. I said, and tell you what boys, you can do each other's. And us girls will do each other's this year. And next year, maybe we'll pick names. My daughter goes, You know that they're not gonna do one. I said cool. Well, i'm not gonna worry about it Then they don't get it. That's up to them We'll put a limit on it for financial reasons. And this is what you spend on the person stalking And there you go

Randi: 6:58

I did a similar thing this past week with our meal planning I was like Everybody gets, because there's now three adults, I have an adult daughter, and I was like everybody gets to participate. Either you have to make a meal, or you have to order the meal. One day you can pick to order. there's three of us that are adults and one child, so I was like, that's six days. And then one day of the week, we do like a family. Either we all pick or we all cook together.

Jess: 7:26

Or we just do a fin for yourself and you guys figure out whatever leftovers are still edible.

Randi: 7:31

I'm so tired of us all being like, what's for dinner? And everybody's bitching at each other after we're all done. Tired and hungry and not coming home from work. And I was like, no, so everybody needs. To pick a day. That's your day. Okay, cool. Bye. Yeah, I'm

Jess: 7:44

done doing it. Yeah, and so because What you're talking about this burnout, right? Because when we do things out of obligation, you know If you feel you have to make dinner every night because you're the woman we are going to get burnt out I'm already burnt out. You're burnt out half the

Randi: 8:00

world is

Jess: 8:01

burnt

Randi: 8:01

out.

Jess: 8:01

I

Randi: 8:01

feel like I'm seeing so many things about women being mentally just drained and just physically

Jess: 8:08

and emotionally like I

Randi: 8:09

can't do everything done with everything like I saw a mom crying on TikTok the other day how am I supposed to do all this stuff like go to work pick them up from school take them to school do this meal prep like buy all the things do all the things and people are like you're not but like We don't have a village like, we used to we don't have a community. We don't have family that lives nearby We don't have anybody to help us. So we're all collectively

Jess: 8:34

drowning. Mm hmm Well, and you're talking about dinner last night the teenager made dinner for herself the young adult made dinner for himself He ate leftovers from the night before and then so dad and I were left so I ordered us dinner and the kids are like You didn't order us anything. I was like, no, y'all already ate dinner and didn't offer us anything. So we ate our, we, yeah, we ordered dinner

Randi: 8:53

and stopped feeling like bad about it. I didn't, I didn't feel bad at all. Like I did that the other day too and my partner's like you're not ordering the kids anything And I was like no because I asked them 20 times what do you want? Nobody gave him any answer and I was like too bad. So sad. I ordered what I want.

Jess: 9:09

Yeah We ordered by dinner. I said, hey, I ordered dinner and he was like cool. Did you order the kids? I said, nope, they already ate he was like they ate what they eat I was like, I don't know but they ate not worried about it. They're alive. It's cool So think about obligations when we're talking about things that we feel obligated for for me It brings up either A, a lot of resentment. I resent that I have to do this or that I agreed to do this because I didn't want to do this, which to me says I should have had a better boundary. Or the other thing is it makes me so anxious. We've talked about doing the cookie party this year. I probably won't do it because I'm too busy and it makes me so anxious to have everybody over my house to make cookies.

Randi: 9:44

Yeah.

Jess: 9:45

And I think about that. Yeah.

Randi: 9:46

And I'm like, I don't even know. If it's thinking, if it's making you feel. That level of anxiety already. Right now? Yeah. I'm not doing it. Like, why? Maybe you're just like, hey, I just want to have my friends over in sweats and two people. I might just

Jess: 9:58

be like, mm, no, I don't even want to do that.

Randi: 10:00

Sorry. Yeah. You don't need to make any plans if you don't want to, and I feel that's like where I'm at, too. Yeah. Is this really, it's been a funk the other day and my friend's oh, come take you out and go. And I was like, that event is like so busy and there's so many people there and I was like, I don't think that would make me feel better. I was like, nah, I was like, that's something you want to do. But

Jess: 10:22

normally you would have said yes. Yeah, you would have felt obligated and said yes. And so now you're like, no, that's not what I want to do. I think i'm going to stay in my sweats or be in my funk or go get coffee. And that might be something I want to do. And so it's different, right? Because It affects our self esteem when we always feel obligated and we're not getting the rewards. I teach my kid this, is that if you aren't getting something from the friendship, then why are you giving so much? And this is the same thought process.

Randi: 10:49

Well, because then I feel like we also internalize that, especially as women and teenagers and young adult women, like I'm giving to this relationship or this friendship and I'm not getting anything back. What's wrong with me? The scope back on ourself, then that doesn't usually have anything to do with it. No,

Jess: 11:07

there's nothing wrong with you. What's wrong is you keep giving to people who keep taking and they're not giving anything in return.

Randi: 11:13

And you're not holding up your boundaries that, maybe like this relationship, maybe there's some red flags there that you're ignoring, but we've all been there and done that.

Jess: 11:21

Randy loves to ignore red flags because she thinks everybody's a nice person at heart. So she ignores all the red flags and she sees all the good in the people. And meanwhile, I'm in the corner going, why, why do you like her? I don't get it. No, I don't want to do that. I don't want to do that. No, no, no. I don't want to do

Randi: 11:36

that. She's I don't know about this person. And I'm like, I know and I'm just like, I just feel bad. Cause I know what it feels like. And then that's an

Jess: 11:45

obligation right there. She feels obligated because she knows what it feels like. So that's exactly what that is. So let's stops. Saying yes and start saying no. I will no longer be obligated to do things that I don't want to do anymore

Randi: 11:58

Yeah, say it again. Just say right now say it out loud. I will no longer Feel obligated to do things that I don't want to do anymore. Yeah, just period it feels so good

Jess: 12:11

isn't it

Randi: 12:11

feel good?

Randi (2): 12:12

It feels so good

Jess: 12:16

Let's talk about How the pressure, how do we deal with the pressure to feel when we feel obligated to do something when somebody says, we have someone that keeps asking us to do stuff and Randy and I are kind of like, I don't know, I don't want to do that. And I'm like, No, I don't want to do that. I don't know. And then Randy was like, I don't know what my calendar is. I haven't gotten that together yet. And I was like, Oh, that's funny, Randy. But she still left it out there. I was like, Yeah, I'm busy. I have something I'm doing that day.

Randi: 12:46

So that's also a solution, but what are some real, like solid solutions that we can do to make the choice if we are feeling so overwhelmed, so burnt out, so drained, so tired. To start working these boundaries with people.

Jess: 13:03

Well, you just said it it is set healthy boundaries And I know we're always saying boundaries boundaries and boundaries But set healthy boundaries

Randi: 13:11

because not just for the big things I think for the small things too. Yeah, because it's all those little tiny things that I feel like can add up

Jess: 13:22

it's setting those healthy boundaries and those little things do add up because when you can identify what situation you do or don't want to do, we go, Oh, it's only a few minutes. One, we underestimate our time. It'll only take an hour. No, dude, that's like a two or three hour event.

Randi: 13:37

That's so true. Because even they say like, When we pause in a workday to look at our emails, to get back into what we were doing, it takes about 26 minutes. So that one minute detour ends up taking almost like 30 minutes total.

Jess: 13:52

And that's not the thought process that you're putting into it. That's, that is just the physical. Yeah,

Randi: 13:58

the emotional and the mental drain of should I do this? Should I not do this? If you're even like Questioning if you're not 100% yeah should you even be doing it?

Jess: 14:08

Yeah,

Randi: 14:08

if

Jess: 14:09

it's not instantly yes. Then it really should just be like, yeah, I don't want to do that. That's not going to work for me. we'll do some role plays here as we do our have you evers. I want you guys to learn to reframe your mindset because if you feel guilty saying no, I want you to figure out why do you feel guilty saying no, where does that come from? Yeah. There's a

Randi: 14:28

root of an issue there of something maybe in your childhood or a relationship that you said no. And it was. Almost like traumatic or you got, pushback from it that you felt for me I can remember a very pivotal point I was in kindergarten and I loved my kindergarten teacher so much Like he used to come over and have family dinners with us. Okay, this is in the 80s. Okay. Okay. Okay I just made her okay. It's not normal now, but And I, just loved him, felt like safe place, like such an amazing part of my life. And then I was talking in class and I got in trouble for talking in class. And I felt so crestfallen and like upset that I had disappointed him. That I never talked in class ever again. And that's what's for the rest of my school. So it was like that, like that crushing feeling of, Oh my God, like I'm in trouble and I disappointed this person. And then I was like, never wanted to raise my hand in class. I never talked, like I turned everything like inward

Jess: 15:29

yeah. And that's not fair to you. And if you had shared that with somebody, I'm sure some, well, maybe not then, now, now they'll walk you through it and be like, you don't have to own that and we'll talk to you about it. Back then. They probably were like, yeah, you shouldn't have been talking. The eighties weren't very kind to us.

Randi (2): 15:45

Sorry guys. Okay.

Randi: 15:46

But that brings in also practicing that self compassion. So when this stuff does happen or you do get pushback from, inserting your boundaries and saying no to things. that, aren't good for you, that you don't lose who you are. You don't lose your sense of self over it.

Jess: 16:03

Exactly. We all deserve to live a life that aligns with what we want to do and what our values are. Not one that's directed by these external expectations and obligations and pressures. I would love to live a life, and I'm moving forward doing so, doing what I want to do. Not what somebody I should do or what they think they want me or I think they want me to do. I'm doing what I want to do. And unfortunately I wish I had learned this 30 years ago and at a younger age. So I'm hoping I'm teaching my daughter that who knows.

Randi: 16:37

Yeah. It was interesting because I saw another video too, the other day about this girl talking about how she was working for multiple companies, like work from home. And she's we're stacking this money. Like we're doing this. We don't, we don't owe anybody an obligation. She was like. If I want to work for five companies at once, I'm going to work for five companies at once. She was like, I'm getting my work done. I think that's

Jess: 16:59

slightly illegal. I actually think that you, that's a, there's something in me that says that, that you're not supposed to do that. Now, when I say not supposed to, I really want to be like, I don't know, maybe with the ethics. It might. I guess if they don't have the same hours, it doesn't really matter. If it's just a whenever thing, I guess it doesn't matter.

Randi: 17:18

I don't know what ethically maybe not I think it would depend if you had signed, some kind of NDA or Yeah, disclosure, like statement or something. Or oh,

Jess: 17:27

those, I don't know. Those aren't even, honestly, those, those disclosures you signed, they're not even legal. Even in like California, they're not legal. They don't really hold up. No, they don't hold up for nothing. But yeah,

Randi: 17:36

so I don't know. I was just saying like her attitude about being like, I'm not obligated to do this or to conform to this idea, like I'm just. Doing it because I want to. And I was like, okay, I like that. I do like it. Do what you want, what makes you happy. Okay, let's answer our, have you ever questions? Okay, so what is. Why is it important to stop doing things out of this feeling of obligation?

Jess: 18:05

One, because feeling, the feeling of obligation is bullshit. But because it doesn't align with my values or it doesn't make me feel good. It doesn't, it's not authentic. I don't want to be unauthentic anymore. I want to do what I want to do.

Randi: 18:21

I think that too, if I'm saying yes to something and I don't really want to be there is that really beneficial, not only to me, but to that person or friend? Aren't they going to feel that I don't want to be there? Like, why? If it's not, fulfilling on both ends.

Jess: 18:37

Exactly. If, I keep telling you, if you're not getting something out of it, or if I'm not getting something out of it, then why do I keep doing it? It's like going down the one way road when there's nothing there. Why do we keep going down the one way road? It still hasn't, given us anything in return, but we keep going down it hoping it's changed.

Randi: 18:54

Yeah.

Jess: 18:54

Which, that's an obligation. So Randi, how do I start setting boundaries without feeling guilty? Oh, good one.

Randi: 19:01

Start very small, work your, if you're anxious about setting boundaries, especially with people that you know will maybe like Push back or gonna get like emotional about it and be kind to yourself. Have that self compassion that you are learning to set boundaries. You are learning to step back and that's okay if you stumble or if you give in, you can still reset, you have that option to reset that boundary again and again and again and again, if you need to.

Jess: 19:29

And remember, you are not responsible for somebody else's response to your boundary. Unless you are being an a hole, then okay, fine, maybe. But if you're gonna say no, that doesn't suit me, I don't, I don't feel like doing that, I'm not available, whatever it is, If they get upset, that is on them. They're adults and they have to learn to work through that. You are not there to work through their emotions. You are putting your boundary out there and they may not like it. Yeah. You're not there to

Randi: 19:59

carry their emotions. We have enough of our own emotions that we carry. Yeah. And that we can hardly deal with ourselves, let alone carrying the burden of somebody else's emotions. So can saying no. Help your relationships.

Jess: 21:05

Yes, if it is a genuine relationship It will flourish when we show up as our true shell shelves true to shell shelves to shelf You can't say they're true selves Saying no Really allows me to be genuine when I say yes

Randi (2): 21:25

And so

Jess: 21:26

right there, you know that if I'm showing up I'm showing up because I want to show up not because I feel like I

Randi: 21:33

have to and you're there you're present Yes, because you want to be there. You want to be immersed in experience. You want to be supportive There's not other stuff that's like you're worried about or that's dragging you down or you're stressed about or you're not a lot of times to we say yes to stuff and we can't afford it. Oh, yeah, that calls causes a financial drain, not only our physical. Finances, but our well being as well because then we're like, oh my god, like this is going to impact I'm not going to be able to pay this bill or this bill or this bill I'm gonna have to shift this stuff and it's like how can you be present in that situation if it's that draining on you?

Jess: 22:06

Well, and the other thing too is think about time. My time is so valuable that I can't we have this stupid concept of let me carve out time. Let me make time. Let me set aside time. I can't make time. I

Randi: 22:19

can't carve time. It's not a pumpkin. Am I Harry Potter? Can I right? Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo sometime? I wish I could. If I could,

Jess: 22:26

I would be so dang rich because I don't need money. I need time. Yeah, I need money, but I need I really need time. But I think that was

Randi: 22:34

part of what was good for me is having that mindset shift that For me, time is valuable. Time is important. I only have a certain amount of time in the day, and I need to make sure that I allot it correctly for my mental health and my family and my well being. And also, to me, time is money.

Jess: 22:55

I was just going to say, and you know what I do a lot of times is I say, okay, this is what I make an hour. Yep. Is it worth an hour of my time? Yeah. Am I willing to give an hour of work For this item for this adventure for whatever and sometimes i'm like no sometimes i'm like, yep Totally i'll just work an extra hour if I really want it that bad or i'll work this or that because I want it Or I feel it's worthy. And so That is yeah time or can

Randi: 23:22

my time be spent? Yeah better doing this. See can my time be spent? Yeah,

Jess: 23:27

it's all wrapped up. It is all wrapped up there. What if saying no leads to conflicts or misunderstandings randy because you know it always will What if? How about when? When?

Randi: 23:37

When? Well, conflict doesn't necessarily need to mean something negative. Like it doesn't always have to be bad. Growth can happen from conflict. Conversation and communication can come from conflict. What if? Sometimes we need conflict to get out of, yeah, to grow and get out of a rut or maybe like a space that we're in. When you are met with resistance, then you can again, Reassert your boundaries. Communicate your needs, your wants, your feelings. talk about what your expectations are with this person. Well, what is your expectation of this situation? And this is my expectation. And maybe how can we meet in the middle because of this? Having honest conversation can really help alleviate misunderstandings.

Jess: 24:24

I found that in our house recently, I was trying so hard not to not be myself, but to parent different with an oldest

Randi: 24:32

that

Jess: 24:32

I finally just said, I can't do this. This is not me. This is not genuine. This is my house. I'm going to go back to doing what I know. And that's it. I can't change. I don't change. Want to change in my house that way, because it's not genuine for me to be this way.

Randi (2): 24:47

And

Jess: 24:47

once I did that, the house kind of went back into, Oh, okay. Now we know what the expectations are and the whole house just shifted. And it was like, Oh, if I had just been genuine with my thoughts and feelings in the very beginning. Yeah. About the situation, it would have been probably a hell of a lot different.

Randi: 25:02

Yeah. I think sometimes we put expectations on ourselves that we should be acting a certain way or we've read something and we think we need to apply these things. And then you're almost trying to like force this, this relationship or this way to go about things and then you're like, why is this not working?

Jess: 25:18

Yeah. This is so hard. My grandma always said, the path is that hard. You're on the wrong path. Yes, it's not going to be easy, but if you feel like you're just continually hitting your head against the wall obviously there's no door there, so you need to find a different way to go. All right, so what do I do if I have FOMO, which is fear of missing out? I

Randi: 25:41

have to say, you have to tell yourself again, a mindset shift. Quality, not quantity. You don't have to do everything. You don't have to be everywhere. You don't have to be everybody's friend. You don't have to be doing all the things all the time and burn yourself out anymore. Trust in yourself. to find the things that bring you joy, bring you connection and make your life better so that you're not spreading yourself thin. You have to, again, go back to kind of like the root, like what is triggering you to feel panicked that you're going to miss out on something and really think about it. Are you really going to miss out on something? What do you think that you are going to miss out on?

Jess: 26:22

Hmm. Yeah. Cause half the time you get there and you're like, well, that sucked. I didn't miss out on

Randi: 26:26

anything. Exactly. Like, why did I even bother? Right? Now, what if these choices, again, this kind of aligns with conflict and misunderstanding, but what if the person really is upset about this decision that you've made?

Jess: 26:38

I think it's really natural to worry about other people's feelings. We really don't want to hurt feelings. we grew up going, you hurt their feelings, say, sorry. How many people have told their child, you hurt my feelings? But is it genuine when you say sorry? No, it's not because you're making them do it, but you're not responsible for their happiness. You're responsible for your happiness. And so you want people who are going to truly understand and support you now There are ways to say it with people when we were talking about kind of role playing some of the things I like to say is unfortunately that doesn't work for me And if people say why not you don't have to give them a reason you say it just doesn't

Randi (2): 27:16

yeah

Jess: 27:16

I find the more excuses you give people, the more that they can grab onto to change it. And

Randi: 27:24

then

Jess: 27:24

they can make it, you're just giving them more to like hook on. Yeah. So it's, I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me. Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to do that. Why not? I'm just not. You don't have to tell them. You can straight up to say, I'm not going to be able to go. I'm not going. You can do that. But most of us feel weird doing that. So I do like to say, it's like saying, sorry, I'm late. It's thank you for waiting for me. Thank you for your patience while I got back to you or while I was running late. It's a different mindset when you say that. I

Randi: 27:55

think it's, yeah. And like the tone and the way you're saying it, I feel it's just like a polite way of saying, no, I'm not fucking going.

Jess: 28:03

And you can say, Yeah, that's not my thing. That's another one. That's not my thing.

Randi: 28:08

That's not my thing And we we had a I don't have time for that No right

Jess: 28:12

now And I told a friend recently I just said hey look You're probably not gonna get randy and I out of the house to go do this kind of a thing This is stuff we do. Anyway, I was like I do art every day. This is what I do for My processing I said so going to go do this do art somewhere else and pay for it doesn't make sense to me because I have it. Between Randy and I, we could probably put on a class or two. Yeah.

Randi: 28:35

But I was like, we have all the crafts. We're the ADHD crafters. Exactly.

Jess: 28:40

So I just said, the reality is if you want to come over and hang out, you can, but I'm probably not going to go anywhere.

Randi: 28:45

Yeah. I don't want to go spend 200 on this. What I can do it in my kitchen, right?

Jess: 28:50

I've already doing art and the art I'm doing is pretty cool So and that's what I just I just said look you're not gonna get us out of the house You are welcome to come over. I was like, I'm happy to have you over if you would like to come over I was like, but I'm probably not going to leave to go do something.

Randi: 29:03

Yeah, that doesn't excite me. No and I different ways that you can say that with Being genuine to yourself and still not hurting the other person's feelings, right?

Jess: 29:12

And I was totally cool. You can come over and hang out, but I just don't want to go.

Randi: 29:16

Yeah do that. How do you differentiate then between a feeling of obligation and Really a genuine feeling of desire and wanting to do this

Jess: 29:27

Well, I think you nailed it earlier. It's the figuring out, if you are dancing around, do I want to go? I don't want to go. Do I want to go? Do I want, want to go? You know instantly if you like something. You taste something and you like it. You don't go, Oh, I don't know if I don't like this. Let me try five more bites. We immediately are like Why do we

Randi: 29:44

do that with people? I don't like them. Like, why are we like, Oh, I guess I'll try to hang out with them like 20 more times and then they backstab you. And you're like, I should have listened to myself first.

Jess: 29:53

We're ignoring our intuition. Yes.

Randi: 30:00

Yes. So we need to not ignore our intuition.

Jess: 30:03

Exactly. I have an event that I've been trying to get into since It's summer and I've, she's been stringing me along and the event is next week. She's earlier this week. She goes, Oh, I had, I have an opening finally. Would you like this booth? And I was like, Oh yeah, sure. Have I got a contract yet a week later? Absolutely not. So you know what?

Randi: 30:21

No, I'm not doing it. It's stressing you out. It is

Jess: 30:24

stressing me out. And so

Randi: 30:26

that's not fair to you either. And do you want to have that feeling again and again, like going forward?

Jess: 30:31

Well, and the thing is, if she really wanted me like all these other people, I would have They would have already got me. Yeah, she has no idea what I do and everybody else has already been like yes I got immediate yeses with the other ones that I've signed up for a immediate this one doesn't get it So

Randi: 30:46

you're like, I don't feel like I don't feel wanted Yeah, and if they don't want like your product there and you know your presence there then why?

Jess: 30:54

Why waste my time? So I'm not doing it. So that's it. Stop dancing around with this stuff. Okay Randi, what are some practical ways to politely decline an obligation? I know we did some role playing, but let's do it again.

Randi: 31:06

Okay, so again, language and communication are powerful tools. So phrases like, I appreciate you thinking of me, but I can't commit to that.

Jess: 31:16

I like to say however. I do like however instead of, I appreciate you thinking of me, however. I can't commit to that right now, but that still leaves me like, maybe I can commit later, right? Yeah, I don't

Randi: 31:26

even know if I like the right now. I appreciate you thinking of me,

Jess: 31:30

but no. Well, and sometimes I'll say I appreciate you thinking of me. I'm not going to go to this one, but please ask me again in the future. Because I'm not saying no to you exactly. Yeah, maybe if you

Randi: 31:41

are open to doing it, but like just right now it's not going to work for you. And like you can't mentally, you don't have the mental capacity for that. That's good. Yeah, keep asking. Or I'm focusing on prioritizing my blank, my health. My needs. My family. My time. Yeah. at the moment, and I can't commit to that right now.

Randi (2): 32:04

Don't do right now. I can't commit to that. Ooh. See, that's powerful. Right there. Yeah. I can't commit to that. Period. Yeah.

Jess: 32:12

But see, look

Randi: 32:13

at me. I was even I don't have time for that. Just, I don't have time for that. Let's just be honest. And probably the person would probably be like, I probably shouldn't be doing this either. My friends are asking me are you hosting a party this year? Cause I usually do one every year and I was just like Honestly, I said no because like I am like barely holding it together like mentally right now And while I do want to spend time with my friends. I just don't want to like host I don't want to prepare. I don't want to clean like everything in my house is like a disaster. I'm like so like no No, I don't know normally I would feel oh bad like people are looking forward to it. Like I should just do it even if I You know feel like shit right now and I was like

Jess: 32:51

no This year just feels too much to do some of this extra stuff that we've done.

Randi: 32:56

Okay, so how do you maintain your boundaries in your results? When it feels just easier to like, fine, I'll just give in. I'll just do it. I'll just go. Like, how do you?

Randi (2): 33:05

It's that if you guys have ever bought a piece of candy for your kids at the checkout aisle. Oh my god, I'm so bad about this.

Jess: 33:12

They will ask you every single time for the rest of their life, no matter what, because you did it once. So the minute you give in, they're going to do it again and again and again because you did it once. And if mom did it once, you did it once. She might do it again.

Randi (2): 33:26

Yeah.

Jess: 33:26

But part of it is just remind yourself why you originally said no or why you decided to no longer give in to obligations. What were you feeling? Really? Consider, your long term gains over these short term gains, what is it you're really looking for? Is it going to burn you out? Is it something you don't want to do? If you don't want to take on that project at work because it's not suiting you for your future goals? It's just going to be a time suck. Then why are you doing this? Yeah. Why are we doing things that we don't want to do anymore?

Randi: 33:58

Yeah, that was like when I was telling you earlier, like I had a friend who said, Oh, some, my coworker dumped all of her caseload on me. And I was like, why? Why did you allow that? Because that's not part of your job description. I was like, what is that? And she's I'm so overwhelmed. I'm so drained. And I was like, this isn't your job to do their work. At what point? Do we say no? Or do we have to go, to our boss or? And be like, this isn't conducive to my working environment. I can't get my, work done and give to, my clients or my cases if I'm worried about doing extra work that isn't even assigned to me. Yeah.

Jess: 34:34

I love to say, this doesn't suit me. This no longer works for me. That's one way I can do it. Because sometimes This is not

Randi: 34:41

my vibe anymore.

Jess: 34:42

Yeah. This is not working for me anymore. I'm, I'm not You know, not that I'm sorry, because that was almost coming out of my mouth. Yeah, don't say sorry. Don't say sorry.

Randi: 34:50

I know. Don't say sorry. Stop saying I'm sorry for stuff you're not sorry about.

Jess: 34:56

It no longer suits what I want to do in my life. Yeah. And that can be for anything. This no longer suits me. That no longer fits. That's it. It no longer fits. I just don't have time for it. I don't have space for it. I really want everyone to really look at why are we saying yes to things? We don't want to do Let's all start saying no and doing what we want to do I will no longer do things out of obligation and that's just period i'm not doing it out of obligation And this is what true

Randi: 35:26

self care looks like. Yes, it's not You know going shopping or a bubble bath or a massage. Those are good. Yeah the good don't get me wrong I love those things You But finding out what the root of the problem is at the core and then making changes. So your overall life. And your heart and your soul and your mind and stuff are better. That is Radical self care and that is mental health.

Jess: 35:52

Oh, I like radical self care. I think I want a shirt that says that

Randi: 35:56

yeah, just radical self care period just like total self care like but like from the bottom up Tearing up the roots, finding the issue, and then focusing on yourself and learning to, I'm so wild, I'm hitting everything. She is, she is

Jess: 36:10

knocking everything all over. Learning

Randi: 36:11

to love yourself enough. To say no. To say no and to make those changes so that this isn't dragging you down and this isn't causing you, to worry. This isn't causing you anxiety. This isn't making you stay in bed. This isn't causing relationship issues. Working on the core of who you are

Jess: 36:31

and honestly if you lose some friends from this then maybe they really weren't friends to begin With and yeah, peace out. Randy's like, peace

Randi: 36:37

out because real friends are gonna understand real friends Appreciate your boundaries. I cannot Tell you how much I appreciate when I say things to Jess and she goes, oh good boundary and I'm like Because she

Jess: 36:54

will still hold me to it. She's well, I have to i'm like, oh, okay, but i'm not

Randi: 36:56

very good with boundaries either So i'm like, yeah me and then she's yeah you and I was like, oh But like for somebody who's okay, yeah, like I realized that it's not a negative. It's a positive And probably like I should be you know, like we're always late and doing stuff all the time. So we get it but We try to hold each other like accountable and it's that makes for a better friendship accountability. That's exactly it

Jess: 37:22

accountability And so I I want to show up and I want to be genuine and I want to be honest and I want the people in my life to know that I am there for them because I want to, not because I have to. I'm a grown ass woman and I don't have to do anything. And that's just it. I don't have to say yes out of obligations. No.

Randi: 37:40

No, I'm not doing it. The feeling of obligation. Yes. Yeah, it's just Okay, fine. I gotta pay my bills, but Well, yeah. There's That's an obligation that you've signed up, a contract that you've signed to do, to pay those bills and spend that money. But I'm saying things that are, like, in your control, that we are just attaching a feeling to. That's not an obligation. We are That's guilt. perceiving it, yeah, as an obligation. And Again, self compassion. Remember, it takes time to change these things. It's not going to happen like that. You have to see the patterns. You have to have, self Actualization about it and you have to practice this.

Jess: 38:18

I think I want everybody out there Who's listening to say no to something in the next two weeks that you don't want to do in the next week Okay. Well, I was gonna give him two weeks now because okay fine in the next week you

Randi: 38:30

got five

Jess: 38:30

days in the next week I want all of y'all to say no to something that you really don't want to do that You know you you're doing out of guilt And so right there, just say, no, thank you.

Randi: 38:42

Yeah. And we want to hear about it. Let us know how you are learning to break free from the pressures of these feelings of obligations in your own life. And if you have found this episode helpful, please share it with a friend, leave us a review, and don't forget to subscribe and follow us for more conversations about women's mental health, self care, and how to live a life that feels authentic and empowering.

Jess: 39:07

Ooh. Authentic and empowering. Bye! Boom.