Women's Mental Health Podcast

Weaponized Incompetence: When 'I Can't' Means 'I Won’t

Subscriber Episode • • Randi Owsley MSW and Jessica Bullwinkle LMFT, PMH-C • Season 4 • Episode 13

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In this episode of The Women’s Mental Health Podcast, we explore weaponized incompetence—how emotional labor and the mental load are quietly crushing women behind closed doors. Join licensed therapists Randi Owsley, LMSW and Jessica Bullwinkle, LMFT as they unpack why so many women feel alone, burned out, and stuck carrying the emotional weight in their relationships. Whether you're the default parent, navigating relationship stress, or trying to reclaim your identity, this episode offers relatable insights and coping tools to protect your mental health and prioritize self-care. 

Get information on weaponized incompetence—a subtle yet damaging form of emotional manipulation where one partner avoids responsibility by pretending they’re incapable. Learn more about coping skills and tools you can use to manage emotional labor and protect your mental well-being. Whether you're feeling burned out from carrying the mental load in relationships or struggling to set boundaries, you'll find practical resources to help you regain balance, reduce resentment, and prioritize your own self-care. 

 In upcoming episodes of The Women’s Mental Health Podcast, we’ll dive deeper into powerful and often overlooked topics that impact women every day. We’ll unpack the realities of emotional labor and the mental load, explore coping skills for stress and overwhelm, and talk candidly about relationship burnout. Expect honest conversations about self-care that actually works, what it means when women feel alone, and how to navigate identity struggles in motherhood, career, and beyond. If you're craving validation, support, and real tools to feel more like you again—you won’t want to miss what’s coming. 

Don’t forget—we’re now a subscription-based podcast, and your support helps us continue bringing you the content you love.

What is weaponized incompetence?

How do I know if I’m experiencing weaponized incompetence?

Is weaponized incompetence intentional or subconscious?

How does weaponized incompetence affect mental health?

What are some common examples of weaponized incompetence?

What’s the difference between genuine incompetence and weaponized incompetence?

How should I respond to weaponized incompetence?

Can weaponized incompetence be a form of gaslighting?

How does weaponized incompetence show up in parenting?

Can therapy help with weaponized incompetence in relationships?

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The Women’s Mental Health Podcast, hosted by licensed therapists Randi Owsley MSW and Jessica Bullwinkle LMFT, PMH-C, offers educational and entertaining mental health content. This is not therapy or a substitute for professional care. No therapeutic relationship is formed by listening or engaging. Some links may be affiliate links, which may earn us a small commission at no extra cost to you.

Randi:

Welcome back to the women's mental health podcast. I'm randy. I'm And I'm Jess. And we are two licensed psychotherapists, and this is a safe space where we talk about mental health, well being, and strategies for coping with life's challenges. And how all of this is normal, and you are not alone. Today we're tackling a huge topic, weaponized incompetence. This term has been trending all over social media and for a very good reason. Women everywhere are realizing how often they've been dealing with this in their relationships, workplaces and homes.

Jess:

Oh, totally. This is something so many women experience, but. May not even realize there's a term for it. We always just call it bullshit. But no, there is an actual term. So we're gonna break it down and we're gonna talk about how it affects our mental

Randi:

health, and of course we're gonna share some ways to cope with this because we are not carrying the entire mental load or physical load. Anymore. This is

Jess:

why I call it

Randi:

bullshit.

Jess:

Find us some more information at Women's mental health podcast.com. And if you would like to hear more, subscribe at women's mental health podcast.com/join. Join. Okay. Have you ever had these thoughts? Randy? What is weaponized

Randi:

incompetence? How do I know if I'm experiencing weaponized incompetence? Is weaponized incompetence, intentional or subconscious? Hmm, that's a good one. How

Jess:

does weaponized incompetence affect mental health?

Randi:

What are some common examples of weaponized incompetence?

Jess:

Okay, so what's the difference between genuine incompetence and weaponized incompetence? Ooh. So if they're just dumb or if this is really intentional,

Randi:

are they right? Are they actually just that stupid? Sometimes. Yeah. And how should I respond to weaponized incompetence? What boundaries do I need to change this?

Jess:

Exactly. And is weaponized incompetence a form of gaslighting, which we've talked about gaslighting before on a previous podcast. Yes.

Randi:

And how does this show up in parenting? This is very interesting.

Jess:

Oh, that is actually, yes. Yeah. And then can therapy help with weaponized incompetence in relationships? So let's get into it, Randy.

Randi:

So we're gonna dive into what exactly weaponized incompetence is. So it's when someone often, and usually a partner or a coworker or a family member. Pretends they're unable to do a task so that someone else will do it for them. And yes, this is very often intentional.

Jess:

This can look like your husband saying, I just dunno how to do the laundry as well as you or a coworker who claims, I'm just so bad at spreadsheets. Can you handle this for me? If you're a DHD, you often jump in and do it because you're fixers and you're like, oh yeah. And you get mad before you even realize you're doing it. Or if you're

Randi:

people pleaser. Yes. You've just, and then you can also teach this behavior in a way if you're doing it over and over again for them. Mm-hmm. So if you've ever had to redo someone else's work because they just didn't get it right, or you're the one that does all the team projects,

Jess:

yes. Somebody will always say Yes, lemme tell you.

Randi:

You have been there, so just let's. Dive in a little bit deeper about how this can affect our mental health.

Jess:

Okay, so let's be real. This takes a massive toll on our mental health. We are constantly expected to pick up the slack. It leads us down the road to chronic stress resentment, which is huge. Huge. And burnout.

Randi:

And it can destroy a relationship. Exactly. And this just doesn't stop at your everyday frustration. It can manifest. Into things like anxiety, depression, emotional exhaustion, and even physical symptoms like migraines, insomnia, and body tension. Mm-hmm.

Jess:

Research, research, research has shown that women who continue to carry the bulk of this invisible labor at home and in the workplace by managing schedules, remembering birthdays, planning meals, and anticipating everyone's needs. They are more exhausted than their counterparts who are doing way less than they are.

Randi:

And sometimes when you try to address it, you might hear responses like you're overreacting or you're being dramatic, this is gaslighting

Jess:

exactly.

Randi:

And it's

Jess:

not okay. It is not okay. So while weaponizing incompetence itself. Is not a diagnosis. It isn't, it's not. In the DSM, you cannot look up is my husband gaslighting me. These are effects of dealing with, hold on. The effects of dealing with it can can contribute to mental health conditions. Randy was just saying, anxiety disorders, depression, A DHD, and executive functioning issues.'cause women who have a DHD may already struggle with these. And then when a partner or coworker offloads these tasks onto them, it exacerbates or overwhelms them. Mm-hmm. And again, it's offloading their tasks onto you. Or you are taking it from them. Because they, they can't do it. So they

Randi:

They can't.

Jess:

So it also leads to PTSD and then what we call C-P-T-S-D, which is compound PTSD. That also is not a diagnosis here in the us. But it is really just your PTSD that just keeps, adding on and adding on. Almost like chronic, right? Yeah. You would label it. It's chronic or compound. It's just on and on and on and on.

Randi:

So when it leads to PTSD or C-P-T-S-D, these are extreme cases and they can happen, especially in toxic or abusive relationships. So this is really where the gaslighting aspect of weaponizing incompetence comes in and can lead to being triggered and having that trauma response. So how do we. Deal with weaponized incompetence. If you are finding yourself, being challenged with this, or this is how your relationship is.

Jess:

Exactly. If you're listening to this and you're thinking, wow, this is what's happening to me. We need to talk about how to deal with this right one. I like to say name it and call it out. Recognize that this is what they are doing to you. Or what you are allowing to happen in your relationship. If you feel like you're always cleaning up after somebody else's mistakes or messes address it,

Randi:

You can start by saying something like, I notice that every time I ask you to do this, insert whatever it is you pretend not to know how I need you to take responsibility for learning how to handle it. And deal with it

Jess:

and just do the fucking thing.

Randi:

Just it's, it's like I was talking to a girlfriend about this the other day too, because she had never heard what Weaponized incompetence was. And it's like when you're going, you send him to the list, you send him to the grocery store with a list, and then he's this. This. He's like texting. Oh, and texting every five minutes texting or like a picture this, or FaceTiming you this, like you're telling me, bro, that you've never grocery shopped a day in your life that you can't use common sense to make as women. What did, what did we say in that other episode? We make 25,000 decisions a day

Jess:

I think it was more than that.

Randi:

And then adding onto that by having to then field and care take of another. Adult human being when we, most of us already have like other kids or other obligations or coworkers and all these other people we're supposed to be tending to too. And then you can't even rely on your partner to get, a handful of things at the grocery store. Like why? Why is this a thing?

Jess:

I don't know. Like a couple, God, this was actually years ago. My husband came back, he went grocery shopping. He goes, I saved so much money. I only spent so much, blah, blah, blah. Compared to what I usually spend. And I said, okay, that's cool, but what are we gonna eat on Wednesday? Because this will get us through to Wednesday.

Randi:

You have no idea.

Jess:

What does the rest of the family eat? I was like,'cause that, where do you think all the rest of this food comes from?

Randi:

And I have a friend too who was saying like, her husband has no idea about their finances because he doesn't pay any of the bills. He doesn't look at the bank account. Like why? Why are you not partnering in this stuff? Like it is so exhausting to deal with. Every day adulting things like taking care of the house or your apartment, like taking care of the kids, like managing schedules, like paying bills, like making sure carpooling, right? Why are you not sitting down and helping each other with these tasks? Why is it always just, it's not help, it's

Jess:

participation, right? Why are you not participating? Yeah, that's

Randi:

it. That's it. Doesn't need to participating. It doesn't need to get help. You're not helping me. They

Jess:

don't need to be a babysitter.

Randi:

they should be participating

Jess:

in life and they're not. Exactly. So let's go to this next step is the next thing you need to do. Once you call it out and you call bullshit, I want you to set very clear expectations. The boundaries. Yes. Yes. Make it very clear that incompetence is not an excuse. And I want you guys to say that one more time. That incompetence is not an an excuse, excuse

Randi:

an so if your partner says they don't know how to do something, tell them to learn how to do it.

Jess:

Yes. Go freaking YouTube it. I can YouTube all. Yeah, there's a tutorial

Randi:

on everything. Exactly. There's a tutorial there

Jess:

fun.

Randi:

Here you go. I

Jess:

literally have an apron that says, don't worry, I learned this on YouTube, right? Mm-hmm. I can do it. I saw it on YouTube. I can figure this shit out. No problem.

Randi:

And if you're dealing with this like in the workplace too. Stop saying yes to doing other people's jobs and projects just because you think it's easier than fighting about it. Set that boundary up that no, you will not be doing their work for them. You have enough work. If they're gonna fail, they're gonna fail. That's not your problem.

Jess:

Exactly. And my next one is my favorite. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Resist the urge to fix it so hard. This is the hard one. Exactly. But when we try to not step in, hold on. I want you to try to not step in and do it yourself. If they load the dishwasher washer wrong, let it run anyway. That's the thing. I have so many women that reload the dishwasher. No.

Randi:

Why are you doing

Jess:

double

Randi:

the work?

Jess:

Yeah. Either teach them this is the way it goes. No, no, no. Don't even teach them. I would, I would say tell'em one. No, this is the way it goes. Why not

Randi:

Obviously I think you've done that at some point. You're, you don't need to be the teacher. That's another mental load. Just say, figure it out. Okay. Let them, it just if it is done the wrong way, let it be done the wrong way. Okay. Okay. If they complain about not being washed the right way, tell'em, figure it out.

Jess:

That's true. If they forget to pack the kids lunches, let them deal with the consequences

Randi:

yeah.

Jess:

So one day a couple weeks ago, my daughter forgot her meds at school and she had a test that day. Mm-hmm. She didn't take'em that morning. I don't do morning. She said, mom, I need my meds. And I said, okay, I'll have dad take'em down to you told dad you gotta take the meds down. He was like, why she doesn't need'em? I said, no, no. She has a test today. You need to take'em down. Why do I have to, I said,'cause it's not my job to tell her in the morning. Here you go, I handed him what she needs. Here you go. I'll help here. I'll participate in this. I'm communicating this to you. Yeah. Here are her meds. Here's this. I'll see you later. she said, thank you very much. And I said, you take it up with her. He goes, but I told her to take'em. I said, you didn't follow up. That's not between me and you. That's between you and her.

Randi:

Yeah.

Jess:

Y'all go figure it out. She has a test and needs'em. And that's,

Randi:

that's another thing when parenting comes in, you need to let them develop a relationship. Yes. Their own relationship with the child that they have to come up with their own rhythm and you need to stop stepping in and telling them it needs to be done. This X, Y, and Z. They need to figure it out. You need to take that mental load off of your plate and why does this work? Because natural consequences are the best teachers.

Jess:

And you know what, in that example I just gave, I should have said, go text your dad. Yep. Why are you texting me? Should've taken yourself out of the whole equation. Go text your dad.

Randi:

Mm-hmm.

Jess:

But that was the very first time she did it.'cause a lot

Randi:

of times the kids come to us all the time make me a snack. Make me this. And you're like, oh, dad's sitting right there. Like, why are you not, why do you not ask him for shit?

Jess:

That's like when your toddler comes into the bathroom while you're taking a shower. Oh God. To ask you to open up their fruit snacks. Yeah. Or their apple sauce. Even though they were sitting right next to dad on the couch and dad has no idea.

Randi:

And why are we creating this pattern though?

Jess:

Like I, I know I used to go say, go ask your dad. Mm-hmm. But no, go ask your dad. And then I started taking attacks out of her food.

Randi:

Yeah, parent tax. Parent tax. Here's an opening tax. Yeah,

Jess:

Well, why'd you take a tax? Then? You should have asked somebody else to do it. So I also want you, if you're having a hard time, because what we are doing is setting very hard boundaries.

Randi:

Gonna get a lot of pushback. Oh yeah. It's been going on this way for a long time.

Jess:

Oh yeah. And it's. Sounds like you're being bitchy by saying, Nope, your problem, you go fix it. Mm-hmm. You are not being bitchy. No. You're being an adult. Yeah. You're adulting. Go get therapy and support.

Randi:

Yeah, because therapy can help, especially if this is a huge pattern in your relationships. A therapist can help you work on setting boundaries and addressing your emotional burnout and maybe giving like that fresh perspective to your partner that they maybe are having a hard time seeing. Don't forget also to lean on friends, talk about this, support groups, and even online communities because women everywhere are waking up to this dynamic. Mm-hmm. And the first step. And changing it is talking about it and having a conversation about it and giving it that power to be able to change it.

Jess:

When you're talking about this with your friends though, I want you to make sure that these are not, I'm gonna say it, toxic friends. No. Yeah. That's because sometimes I'm negative,

Randi:

super negative. Yeah. Okay. You're gonna bitch with your friends and that's, that's fine. Complaining a little bit, but if you're really looking for that support to move forward through this, you really need to make sure that everybody like that you're talking to about it has your best interests at heart.

Jess:

Because sometimes you have friends that are going through something and then you start going, yeah, that's in my relationship too. And you're like, you don't wanna follow them down their little negative rabbit hole, right? Because that's not healthy either. Now let's go and answer our, have you ever thoughts?

Randi:

So we're gonna explain again, what is weaponizing confidence? So that is when someone pretends to be incapable of completing a task correctly, to avoid responsibility, and they shift the burden onto someone else, then this typically happens to women and relationships, workplaces or family settings.

Jess:

And the reason this topic actually came up was because my teenager walked in and said, why is this happening? That is weaponizing competence. Mom. Mom. That is, that is not okay. That is weaponized. That's

Randi:

so funny because I was talking about it just this last week. Oh, with some of my friends too, like that they, they had recently gone back to help their mom and moved in with them and their adult. Male siblings are still living at home and the house is trashed and she comes in and cleans it all up for her elderly mother. And I'm like, why are you doing this when there's four other adults that live in that house and aren't taking care of it? Why, and if you

Jess:

don't wanna clean it, great. Go hire somebody and pay for them. All four

Randi:

other adults can pay for that crap. They need too. I was like, how are they? And I said, that's not healthy for your mom. Like she didn't know that she was walking into that situation and she was just calling me like sobbing I don't know. Like how can these. Adult, people like let this happen and be like, okay with this, because

Jess:

nobody is calling them out on their

Randi:

bullshit. And there's no boundaries. Mm-hmm. So how do you know if you are experiencing weaponized incompetence?

Jess:

Okay, so signs include a partner or coworker or a family member constantly saying things like, I don't know how to blank. Do something, making. Or, oh, here's the other one is when they're making intentional mistakes. Mm-hmm. If they keep making mistakes or they're not doing it to your, they say, I can't Satisfaction. Yeah. Exactly.

Randi:

I'm not, I just don't do it because you complain about how I do it. I don't

Jess:

fold the towels because you do it differently than I do. Then freaking learn how to do it and do it the way it fits in the thing. Yeah. Or, oh, so that's my pet peeve right there. Okay.

Randi:

Or just let them put the towels, whatever way as long as it's getting done. Mm-hmm. Another thing too is or they'll start to do it and go, well, you do it so much better than I do. So it's like a mass like compliment and you're like, oh yeah, I do. Oh, but then, and then you end up doing it like, no, no, no, no. Yeah. When they're like, can you help me do this? And then they

Jess:

walk away and you're like, wait, what? What am I doing here? Yeah. Why

Randi:

am I doing this? Or acting like they're helpless until you step in and fix. The problem, like I don't know what grocery, what bread to get, I can't remember the brand, like whatever, get whatever. At this point I say I don't care what you get, what brand you get, you say that, but I'm

Jess:

like, we've been eating the same bread for 10 years. Well yeah, so why are we now getting different bread? If you don't know what you have not been paying attention to the bread we've been eating for 10 years. There is obviously something wrong there if you can't figure that crap out. Okay, is weaponized. And, and it's interesting, Randy, you and I are, I'm gonna, I'll go back to that, but you and I take it different ways. Mm-hmm. I'm on the do it right. I'm gonna show you how to do it once. And you're like, I don't give a shit. Just fricking do it.

Randi:

Just show some initiative. Like any initiative.

Jess:

But I don't know if either. My method or your method is wrong because we're not doing it for them. We're like, go, yeah, figure it out. Or I'm gonna show you once and tell you, and then from here, and that's it. You're gonna have to fix it. You want

Randi:

me to make you a YouTube tutorial and then I'll post it for everybody else too.

Jess:

Here you go, buddy. Alright. Okay, so let's go back to, is it

Randi:

intentional or subconscious?

Jess:

Ooh, I think it's both. I

Randi:

think it can be both. I think it can be both. Mm-hmm. I feel like it can be used as. Gaslighting tactic. Mm-hmm. A manipulation tactic. And it can be very underhanded. And it could also be like a learned behavior. Yes. They've been conditioned to rely on others, whether that's the way their parents treated them or the way, you've interceded too, without realizing that there's such an emotional and mental burden that has been created.

Jess:

And a lot of women start doing this with their infants. Mm-hmm. They start telling their husbands that they dress them incorrectly. They're not, that's not the right thing to wear.

Randi:

They're not feeding them or not Yeah. You're not doing

Jess:

it right. And I had to

Randi:

learn to step back Yes. And be like, because I knew that I was. I then I was gonna create this gatekeeping is what you're doing? Yeah. This pattern. Mm-hmm. Thinking like I had more experience with, children than he did, or I knew more about this and he grew up in a different environment. I did. So everything I knew was like better. So he needed to do it this way and I had to catch myself and be like, no, he needs to learn his own way because I really do want somebody that's gonna partner with me. Yes. I didn't wanna mother him, so I had to check myself. So that he could learn how to parent his own way.

Jess:

Exactly. One time I came home late at night and my teen now was then toddler, right? Mm-hmm. Toddler, now, teen, whatever that goes, was running around in a pair of foot seat pajamas where the feet had been cut off mm-hmm. And just had a pair of socks on. And I was like, what? What's happening? What, what happened to the, what, what? He goes, oh, well, I cut them because her feet were too long. And I had a fit. I was like, what do you mean you cut her clothes? No, that's hilarious. It's hilarious now. It's true, but because I actually saw a reel, a couple of I don't know, a year ago or so where someone was like, this is a life hack. Cut the feet off. And I was like,

Randi:

oh,

Jess:

shit. You did? That was, that was a dude thing like 15 years ago. Okay, cool. But from there on out, then I became the clothing, the keeper of the clothing. Yeah. You be like, cool, you cut it out, you put socks on her, she's happy, whatever. Well, it's the same thing.

Randi:

Like even now I'll be like, oh my God. Like you let him dress like that. But if I want help in the morning, fine.

Jess:

You want participation?

Randi:

Yeah, go ahead. Dress him however you want. Let him go out that way. That's between you and them and the

Jess:

school when they call to ask why he's wearing that church.

Randi:

Exactly. So again, let's reiterate how this affects mental health.

Jess:

Okay, so it is going to cause you more stress, which is going to cause you more anxiety, which is going to cause more depression, which is going to cause more burnout, and that is all gonna cause resentment. And then you're gonna go, why the hell am I doing this anyway? Start looking for apartments online. I'm kidding. Exactly. No, I,

Randi:

but really it happens if this is how. Most relationships fall apart. I'm noticing this, especially in my forties, and most of my friends are getting separated or divorced right now because they are just tired of dealing with the bullshit and asking for their partner to participate. In their life mm-hmm. That we've made together, like mm-hmm. They didn't

Jess:

make it together though. That's the thing is that we didn't make, people who are getting to that point did not make a life together. they took over all this stuff and this weaponized incompetence was present. Either they allowed it mm-hmm. Or the other person insisted on it.

Randi:

Yeah. So what are some examples of weaponized incompetence?

Jess:

Okay, so a partner saying. I don't know how to do the laundry as well as you, or oh, I didn't know that had to be washed so that way they can avoid it.

Randi:

Yeah, our kids go to school every Monday, so the clothes need to get washed every, whatever, Saturday or Sunday. How do you not know that? A coworker saying I'm bad at spreadsheets or I don't have time for this. Can you do that because you finished your project early? No or somebody saying, I don't know who our, our kid's doctor is. That happens a lot.

Jess:

Oh, apparently I just hit a nerve with Randy. Did I just poke that nerve? No. No. Not well, not with

Randi:

me, but I've just heard that a lot. Oh, all the time.

Jess:

They don't know. And I said, fine. You know what? In our family, we switched it up. I was like, you take care of the orthodont and the dental. I will take care of medical idea.

Randi:

Yeah.

Jess:

And there you go. And I'm not part of it. You are not part of it. And we just divided it up because mm-hmm. Is it even 50 50? No. Sometimes she doesn't go to the doctor forever. And orthodontia, orthodont will only lasts so long. But you know what that was? That was what we agreed to. And every once in a while, he'll like, can you, no, I'm not taking her. Not my job. I don't wanna do it. You do it.

Randi:

So what's the difference between genuine incompetence and weaponized? Weaponized, weaponized, weaponized. You shouldn't say womanized, womanized. Womanized incompetence and weaponized incompetence. So when they are just generally dumb,

Jess:

right?

Randi:

Versus when they are really manipulating the situation.

Jess:

Well, let's go back. You said dumb, but maybe they really. No, there is a lack. Lack of knowledge or a skill maybe, or communication. Maybe you are not

Randi:

communicating really what you need. All of this essentially comes back to the foundation of communication and then boundaries. So go back and listen to those other podcasts.'cause we have a lot about'em.

Jess:

Exactly. And I know like earlier I was talking about like loading the dishwasher. Well, we had gotten a new dishwasher and in order for it to be actually effective. The directions were to load it this way. Mm-hmm. And so I had to point that out to our oldest and be like, Nope, you need to do it this way. Because it literally didn't fit the other way. And that was just the way the dishwasher was made because it's like that three tier rack thing.

Randi:

Well, another idea too that it just popped into my head is that with genuine incompetence, it. Like we were talking about, that's a true lack of knowledge or skill. So I would say like somebody too that's maybe been institutionalized or like incarcerated or, I've had clients like that who are like homeless, so maybe they haven't had a home so they don't, or they didn't grow up in a home, so they don't know what that looks like. Man, you

Jess:

just pulled that empathy out and I do. I was like, wow, that empathy, I was like, I don't know if I know anybody incarcerated. Okay. But yeah, you pulled, yeah, but

Randi:

so maybe they really. Do not have those skills or that knowledge. Or maybe like a, they've been in foster care and they don't know what a household should look like or a partnership should look like. that would be a good place to bring in therapy. same thing like I'm gonna walk you through this, a handful of times and then now you know how to do it. being supportive of them, learning how to do that. But If not and you've been an adult for a long ass time.

Jess:

You

Randi:

on your own, but yeah, we're really just

Jess:

talking about how your spouses say, I don't know how to do it, or they just didn't know that people actually went grocery shopping.

Randi:

Or like having the ability to do it. This is like also like maybe your partner is disabled so they can't do certain things right. So that you, you have to do certain things and but then maybe giving them more other tasks. That they can handle, that, are maybe, more their speed

Jess:

have them come to you with what they can do.

Randi:

That's the other thing. yeah. You don't need to say. You can do this, this, and this. have a conversation like, I'm comfortable doing this. What are you comfortable? Exactly What are you bringing to the table? Like essentially like girls, if you're dating, be like, what are you bringing to the table? Exactly.

Jess:

what is your dowry place? I'd like to know what you're bringing. What are you gonna give me out of this? You

Randi:

emotionally bringing, what are you gonna take off my plate? But okay, so if you are dealing with this, how should you respond to it?

Jess:

Okay, so like we said earlier, I want you to call it out directly. Again, this is give it a name.

Randi:

Give it a voice. Exactly. Yeah. I've

Jess:

noticed that you say you can't do this, but I believe you can. And don't say, but I want you to say however I believe you can. I know you

Randi:

can. I know you can

Jess:

I have seen your ass feed yourself. You obviously made it to this age before me, so I know you know how to eat, right? Okay. The other one is what set clear expectations and boundaries.

Randi:

I need you to take ownership of this task, whatever it is,

Jess:

and a hundred percent ownership. I don't wanna follow up, I don't wanna know that you've done it. I just, I just want it done. Take that off

Randi:

your plate. Take it all off your plate, girl. Yes. Take that outta your mind. Sh.

Jess:

No. And I don't wanna have to say, did you do this? Did you do this? Yeah. Did you do this? Resist

Randi:

the urge to follow up. Micromanage, yes. The, your counter partner in your life

Jess:

and allow natural consequences if they forget to something, let them handle it. That's part of that. Let them, let them deal with the fallout. Mm-hmm. Let them deal with handling it. Not my problem. Really, truly not my problem.

Randi:

Yeah, can weaponize, incompetence be a form of gaslighting, and yes, it can in, very problematic relationships when someone dismisses mm-hmm. Your concerns or your boundaries, or your wants and your needs and is making you feel like you are being dramatic or you're. Crazy and unreasonable for asking for them to participate and show up in your life and contribute equally to your life. This can be a form of gaslighting and it because it's making you doubt yourself and your reality. Mm-hmm. Am I asking too much? No, you are not asking for enough.

Jess:

Yeah, exactly. You are not showing up enough for yourself and you're not setting enough boundaries for it, we had talked earlier about how does it show up in parenting, which is great. It shows up all the freaking time in parenting. Yeah. So what one parent may say, you are just better at handling the kids. That way they can avoid taking care of it, right? Yeah. And what you're doing is

Randi:

you're, or like you stay at home with them, you know them better, you know their routine. Excuse me. Yeah, this is not a job. Okay. I don't know how to

Jess:

get them to not cry. Fricking try. I don't know. Figure out. Try your different stuff. Figure I figured it out. You figured it out. Unless they're yelling for mom and if they are. Let'em go. Why? Yeah. What is going on? You're all, you're in the, I'm gonna let them do their thing.

Randi:

Do it.

Jess:

You do you. Okay. So how can therapy help though with weaponizing incompetence when this is in relationships?

Randi:

Well, again, because if you go into couples therapy, it can really help you establish having a fair division of labor in your household, whether that's physical or mental tasks. Good job, by the way. With what? Adding physical or mental? Oh, physical and mental. There's a lot of invisible labor, especially if you're like a stay at home mom and or a working mom, or a working mom. All of that there's so much that you take on. And so while individual therapy can help you support, like if you're feeling burnt out or resentment or self. Doubt due to the dynamic. If you want help with communication therapy can be very important to help establish those routines and boundaries together and to hear, both sides and having a safe place to talk about it.

Jess:

Exactly. And really truly, when you are feeling resentment towards somebody, that is the sign you should have set a boundary. When you're like that motherfucker and you're so mad, or you're like, why am I doing this that

Randi:

20,000 times a day?

Jess:

Yes. Or even, or you're like, why am I doing this? Why? Or you find

Randi:

your whole body just like cringing or I hate them right now. Oh God. That

Jess:

We have a friend that does that all the time, and I'm just like, dude, dude. My daughter's like she trauma dumps, she just trauma dumps. And I'm like, yeah, I just avoid, at this point.'cause I'm like, nope, that's my boundary I gotta avoid.

Randi:

no matter what you say though, they have a follow up like question but how do you do this? But how do you do this? But how do you do this

Jess:

Google? That's how I do it. That's what my teen said in the car today. She says, I Google everything. Google is on your phone. Why can't you just Google? That's how we all learn. I was like, I know. I know. Weaponizing competence. It's a tough issue. It really is. I want you to be aware, and that is the first step towards changing

Randi:

this yes, awareness. And remember that setting boundaries and setting expectations isn't selfish. It is self-care. It is necessary.

Jess:

Yes, it is necessary for your mental health and your sanity and your overall wellbeing. So if this episode resonated with you, share it with a friend who needs to hear it. Post about it. Tag us. Don't forget to subscribe to our podcast and future podcasts. Leave us a review. It really helps us get the word out.

Randi:

Thank you for tuning in to the Women's Mental Health Podcast. We'll see you next time.

Jess:

Bye.

People on this episode

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Jessica Bullwinkle, LMFT, PMH-C

Host
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Randi Owsley, LMSW

Host