Love, Boundaries, and Sleep: Let’s Talk Sleep Divorce

In this episode of The Women’s Mental Health Podcast, we explore the growing trend of sleep divorce—when couples choose sleeping separately in marriage to prioritize rest and mental well-being. Join Randi Owsley, LMSW, and Jessica Bullwinkle, LMFT—two seasoned psychotherapists with over 22 years in the women’s mental health field—as they unpack how relationship and sleep are deeply connected, why separate beds might actually strengthen intimacy, and how to navigate couples sleep issues without shame. If you're tired (literally) of sacrificing your sleep for your relationship, this one’s for you. 

Get information on Love, Boundaries, and Sleep: Let’s Talk Sleep Divorce and learn practical coping skills and tools to help navigate sleep divorce for married couples. Discover how to talk to your partner about sleeping separately without damaging intimacy, and explore the surprising benefits of separate bedrooms in relationships. This episode offers valuable insights into sleep and emotional wellness for women, while also addressing the real impact of sleep struggles and marriage stress. Whether you're curious, conflicted, or just exhausted, you'll find supportive resources to help manage the mental health impact of poor sleep in couples—all with compassion and a bit of humor. 

In upcoming episodes, we’ll dive deeper into the emotional and relational layers of sleep and wellness, covering essential topics like the benefits of separate bedrooms in relationships, how sleep and emotional wellness intersect for women, and the growing challenges of sleep struggles and marriage stress. We’ll also explore the mental health impact of poor sleep in couples, the role of boundaries in sleep and relationships, and practical sleep hygiene tips for moms and partners. Expect honest conversations about managing resentment over different sleep habits and the unique lens of sleep divorce and postpartum mental health. If you're craving rest and connection, these episodes are for you. 

#SleepDivorce #SleepingSeparately #MarriageAndSleep #CouplesSleepStruggles #SeparateBedrooms #SleepAndRelationships #WomensMentalHealth #EmotionalWellness #PostpartumMentalHealth #MentalHealthForMoms #SleepAndMentalHealth #SleepBoundaries #SleepHygieneTips #BetterSleepBetterLife #RestIsRadical #SleepForSanity

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The Women’s Mental Health Podcast, hosted by licensed therapists Randi Owsley MSW and Jessica Bullwinkle LMFT, PMH-C, offers educational and entertaining mental health content. This is not therapy or a substitute for professional care. No therapeutic relationship is formed by listening or engaging. Some links may be affiliate links, which may earn us a small commission at no extra cost to you.

Transcript

Randi: 0:14

Welcome back to the women's mental health podcast. I'm randy. I'm And I'm Jess. And we are two licensed psychotherapists, and this is a safe space where we talk about mental health, well being, and strategies for coping with life's challenges. And how all of this is normal, and you are not alone. Today we're talking about something that might raise some eyebrows, but also might just save your sleep and your relationship. The concept of a sleep divorce.

Jess: 0:40

Oh, a sleep divorce. Yep. You've heard that, right? A sleep divorce where couples choose to sleep in separate beds or even separate rooms to improve sleep quality and overall wellbeing. It's like going back to the fifties again, right?

Randi: 0:54

Yeah. Well, it does. It sounds dramatic, but I've actually heard of a lot of people doing this, and I was talking to one of my friends the other day and she does this. And she was saying like she felt really bad about it, but she was like losing so much sleep and she works full time, they have three kids and she's going back to get her MBA, just like all these things. And like, so she just really was like. Burnt. Yeah, she was burnt out and her health was really getting diminished, because of it. This is something we're seeing more and more women talk about, especially those that, like I said, are juggling careers, have kids are having hormonal changes. Oh yeah. And just overall life and burnt out. Okay. So have

Jess: 1:34

you ever had these thoughts? What is a sleep divorce? Is a sleep divorce bad for a relationship? Why do couples choose to have a sleep divorce? Can, sleeping apart, hurt, emotional intimacy? It's a sleep divorce. The same as a real divorce. How I'm laughing. I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm just laughing. Okay. How do I talk to my partner about a sleep divorce?'cause that's a good

Randi: 1:56

question right there. And what are the benefits and what are the downsides?

Jess: 2:00

What are some tips for making it work? Is a

Randi: 2:04

sleep divorce becoming more common?

Jess: 2:06

I'm about to get a sleep divorce, so let's go in and find out exactly what this is. Randy.

Randi: 2:12

Okay. A sleep divorce is not the end of your relationship. It's the beginning of better sleep boundaries and also sleep hygiene. It's when couples decide to sleep separately so that each partner can get the rest that they need. Think no more fighting over blankets, no more snoring wars, or 3:00 AM elbow jabs. I've also seen a thing too, I forgot what it's called. A Swedish bed or a Dutch bed I do or something. I, with the two separate comforters, we actually

Jess: 2:40

have two entirely different types. He likes a heavy blanket. Yeah. I have a big fuzzy one and then the comforter. Right. So unfortunately our top, I have two comforters and they end up in the middle of the bed half the time. Right. But we each have a different main blanket. Right. It, it confuses the crap out of the housekeepers. They don't know what to do with it. So apparently it's not that common. Oh yeah. But I think

Randi: 3:01

in like European. Countries It is. Yes, absolutely.'cause so, and I've heard a lot, if you do wanna stay in the bed, that's a good way. If you do fight over the sheets or the blankets.

Jess: 3:10

Yeah. So, so many women, especially when we're in our thirties and forties, we already have a hard time sleeping between anxiety, perimenopause, A DHD. Oh, night waking toddlers or, yeah, babies,

Randi: 3:23

newborns, yes. Yeah.

Jess: 3:24

So it really, if you're gonna throw in a restless partner, somebody who is snoring, somebody who is restless leg syndrome, oh my gosh. Just to tossing and turning or wakes up a lot in the middle of the night, has to pee a thousand times as you get older. This, this doesn't

Randi: 3:39

help your mental health.

Jess: 3:40

No, it doesn't. So sleep. Impacts your mental health.

Randi: 3:44

So let's talk about that. Let's talk about the science behind this. So poor sleep quality is very strongly linked to anxiety, depression, mood swings, irritability, and decreased cognitive functioning. So your brain is not firing on, on cylinders, and when you're not getting enough REM sleep, which is the deep sleep that you need, and that's where we process our emotions too. We are actually creating a recipe for disaster with being emotionally reactive because we don't have the wherewithal to cope with those.

Jess: 4:17

No. Think about whenever there's a time change and we lose an hour of sleep, how many people are thrown off for that week or cranky for that week because we lost an hour of sleep and we can't get it back. When you're already struggling with things like postpartum depression or generalized anxiety, interrupted sleep makes everything worse. It's not just I'm being tired, it's about feeling emotionally drained and mentally. Foggy, which also perimenopause. Foggy brain. Yeah. Your brain.

Randi: 4:48

My brain has been so foggy lately. It comes back, by the way. Yeah. Well that's good.'cause I'm like, where did my brain go? It's gone. It's gone. So I think that we really need to step into this and normalize that. Loving your partner. And being committed to them and sleeping separately can both be true.

Jess: 5:05

Yes. And it doesn't mean I hate my husband or you don't like your spouse. It means that you love yourself enough that you know you need to get sleep. And so this is setting a boundary,

Randi: 5:17

right? And so when you're choosing to sleep and create a. Sleep hygiene and a healthy environment for yourself that supports your mental health and your rest and your wellbeing. It's not selfish, like you're saying. It's self preservation and it's self care.

Jess: 5:32

It is. And I have worked with so many people who have seen massive improvements in their mood and relationships just by changing the amount of rest and true sleep they get. Mm-hmm. I have also seen people actually get divorces because they didn't do this right. And they're like, I can't do this anymore. And it causes so many problems.

Randi: 5:53

another important thing to note is that it doesn't mean that the intimacy is gonna go away, or the intimacy is. Gone. You can still cuddle together, you can still watch shows together in bed. You can still have sex. You just have a different room, maybe change it up, you know, if you want to and you can have your own space, your own sanctuary, Why do we have this need to feel so. Enmeshed with your partner I feel like this could be a really good boundary for some people, and I just know some people too that not even do this just because of sleep, but do it because either they're A DHD or their autism they have sensory issues or they need certain Lighting or they do need that space to wind down.

Jess: 6:33

So I had also read that there are celebrities that are already doing this because also they have the big, huge houses.

Randi: 6:40

They can do this Well. Yeah, they have the extra room. I mean, so that's another thing too. Maybe you don't have the space to do it, so you need to come up with some other creative ways. But if you do have the space, it can definitely be a benefit.

Jess: 6:51

Yeah. They said even Prince Henry was talking about having a sleep, divorce and sleeping separately because that's crazy. Yeah. I mean they were just Cameron Diaz Gwyneth Paltrow, but I don't know. She's she's a little woowoo. Yeah, she, she's the Egg lady, right? The Green Egg. And

Randi: 7:03

your vagina lady? I have no idea. I stopped tuning her out a long time ago. I don't, I'm not a big fan of her. Yeah. Website and her random stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I

Jess: 7:13

mean, she had like the candle that smell like her vagina or something. I don't know. Oh my God, no. Okay. I don't wanna know about that. So. This is something for every woman who's whispered, I love you, but I cannot listen to you breathe for one more night. I mean, seriously, it is the biggest complaint I hear about all the time. Like right now, I keep seeing all those cat videos of like you're supposed to be next, your loving partner at night, and then there's the one that's snoring and the other cat is like, what the

Randi: 7:39

fuck? Right? So here. Are some tips if you want to consider having a sleep divorce. First have the conversation, so you need to frame it as a decision for your mutual wellbeing, not a threat. Yeah, not a threat. Start small maybe with a change, like maybe try separate beds or sleeping in the guest room a few nights a week and seeing if it really does. Create an impact for you. Mm-hmm. And cause, a healthy change.

Jess: 8:07

Well, yeah, because sometimes even after, having a baby, if you have a postpartum doula come in one night, it actually resets your sleep. So I could see how doing that would mm-hmm. If you just go sleep in another room for a night or two, and this is actually starting off in that room, not being pissed off at three in the morning and going to the other room. Right. Getting up and going. Right. Because that has an angry feel to it, and then that's a, that is not a good morning, start small. Try separate beds or sleeping in a guest room. Yeah. A few nights a week. Exactly. Yeah.

Randi: 8:36

another thing is to create sleep rituals. And improve your sleep hygiene. So those things like still having that intimate time before bed to talk or cuddle and wind down together, sleep hygiene could be like, making sure your sheets are the right type for you mm-hmm. And your skin, or you need cooling sheets And, creating those little routines. I have a hatch sleep and wind down and a wake alarm. it has a wind down things and like lighting and stuff to like help me kinda. Calm down like at night. Those things are little sleep rituals that you can work in.

Jess: 9:08

I'm kind of laughing'cause I'm like, you're gonna cuddle, have sex and then be like out. Out you go, buddy. I mean, that's what used to do. I'm done. Being back in college, you're like, all right, peace out high

Randi: 9:16

five. Bye.

Jess: 9:18

Thanks for that. Gimme a

Randi: 9:18

sandwich. Yeah, I mean, it could create a better dynamic if you change it up a little bit.

Jess: 9:24

You wanted to change it up. I just want a sandwich. That's funny. So make it cozy. Just don't crash on the couch.'cause you're pissed off. Make it, yeah. You don't

Randi: 9:32

wanna create a worse environment or hurt your back

Jess: 9:34

exactly. Make it your own space. Make it feel safe. Make it feel comfortable If you are the one that's gonna leave, or if he's the one and maybe you alternate that one night you do it and the other night they do it. Mm-hmm. So you don't feel like you're being kicked outta your room.

Randi: 9:47

Yeah. another thing would be check in, communicate with your partner about this. See how it's affecting both your sleep and your relationship. So like you just don't want to do this if it's gonna make your relationship Worse. You wanna check in with each other, make sure like, is this helping?, Are you sleeping better? Are you getting deeper sleep? If you have an Apple watch or whatever Samsung watch, maybe tracking your sleep, seeing if you are truly getting, that deeper REM sleep. I don't really get a lot of deep REM sleep and it doesn't help, pairing that with my perimenopause. Like it's a disaster.

Jess: 10:18

Exactly. And the thing is, if your room is right next to the other room,'cause sometimes your extra bedroom is right next to your room and you can still hear'em snore, then that's an issue that maybe they need to go look at medical wise. there's the thing, if they're snoring, like sleep apnea, bro, that's it up. Exactly. I mean, I don't know how many times, and I don't

Randi: 10:35

know what it is about males, they just never wanna like address. The elephants in the room with their health, and it's like, this could help you so much. When I went on a sleep apnea machine, I was like, holy shit. I didn't realize how bad I was sleeping, like mm-hmm. You think like you're not waking up now I don't snore anymore, but when I was heavier, So I was like everybody get on a sleep apnea.

Jess: 10:58

Well, the other night I was trying to like do a gentle wake up and I think I scared him.

Randi: 11:03

He thought it was a

Jess: 11:04

spider and like grabbed my hand. Oh my God. Next time just be like, wake up with the elbow. That's I do. I just kind of like hit him with a pillow. Yeah. And he just like, what? What? And I was like, you're snoring. Yeah. So, all right, let's go through and answer R. Have you ever thoughts, so again, what is a sleep divorce? A sleep divorce is when partners choose to sleep in separate beds or bedrooms to improve sleep quality. It's not about ending a relationship, but it's about prioritizing your rest. Especially like we were just saying, if one of the partners snores or tosses or has a different sleep schedule, well that's

Randi: 11:38

another thing too. A lot of times, somebody might be working nights, I have friends that are nurses or police officers and they could be on opposite schedules. Just do you think sleep, divorce. It's bad for a relationship.

Jess: 11:49

I used to think it was, I don't think so anymore. I really think it can strengthen your relationship because one, we're both getting better sleep, which would be better moods, better communication, and then you're more likely wanting to go sleep with him if you're not as tired or cranky. Mm-hmm. Or bitter because they kept you up right. Five times the night before. Mm-hmm. And so I really think it helps couples avoid resentment caused by these sleep disturbances. Okay. Randy, why do couples choose

Randi: 12:17

a sleep divorce? Like we kind of mentioned snoring, sleep sounds, all the sounds, sleep apnea, restless movements, different work schedules insomnia or if they're a light sleeper, and just preferences too for like different temperatures or different mattress types or different, fabrics, or like different lighting. This kind of refers to. Is it bad for a relationship? But do you think sleeping apart can hurt your emotional connection or intimacy?

Jess: 12:47

I don't think it really can. a lot of people report when they sleep separately, it improves emotional closeness because they are more arrested unless irritable. Then intimacy can be nurtured through intentional time together. I think that's before bed and that's it. It's the intentional making the

Randi: 13:04

intention, yes. That you wanna spend time together instead of like, oh, we're just in the same room, and it's just a habit instead of being like present in the moment.

Jess: 13:12

Exactly. If you're like, Hey, I wanna hang out and snuggle tonight before we go to bed because we're gonna be in different rooms. Mm-hmm. That could be really, really nice.

Randi: 13:20

Yeah.

Jess: 13:20

So Randy, is a sleep divorce the same as a real divorce? No.

Randi: 13:24

A sleep divorce only refers to your sleeping arrangements. That's just like a term for like social media. It has nothing to do with legal, separation, divorce, or relationship. Dissolving. In fact, many couples see it as a proactive way to protect their bond if they are struggling. So they don't form, resentment

Jess: 13:44

because man, I'm telling you, I get really resentful if I have been up the night before.'cause then I gotta work and I'm cranky, right? You have, and I'm like,

Randi: 13:51

you, you have a much more intense work schedule. So yeah, that's hard. And it's important. It's. So Jess, how should you approach and talk to your partner about maybe, starting something like a sleep divorce?

Jess: 14:03

So, again, don't threaten him. Don't be like, if you don't do this, you are gonna end up in the other room or on the couch. Right. Or you'll

Randi: 14:09

get a real divorce. Like Exactly. Yeah. Come from a. Place of, understanding and care and that this is gonna benefit both of you and this is why you're interested in this.

Jess: 14:19

Exactly.'cause if I'm not waking him up five times a night, he's gonna sleep much better too. Exactly. And if I'm not being woken up five times a night,. That's gonna be better as well. It's not about being distant, it is not about, trying to withdraw it doesn't mean anything's going to happen, but frame it rather as, this is something that we can do. And again, I like the idea of maybe on Tuesdays you go in there and on Thursdays I go in there. Mm-hmm. On the weekends, who cares if we sleep right. We can sleep bed. I like the idea

Randi: 14:47

of having your own safe space too, like where you can like wind down. I

Jess: 14:51

kinda want my own master bathroom and bedroom if you really wanna know the truth, but, well I heard somebody

Randi: 14:54

else say too that the longevity of their marriage was due to having separate bathrooms and I was like, I'm all for that.'cause I like my stuff everywhere. Well, exactly. I was gonna

Jess: 15:05

say, and then my husband's always taking my stuff and kind of shoving it back over to my side a little bit. Like, no, I

Randi: 15:09

need both doubles. Sinks, thanks. Right? I mean, why are you

Jess: 15:12

even using a sink? Come on. Yeah. Oh, Randy, go ahead.

Randi: 15:15

Yes.

Jess: 15:15

What are the benefits of a sleep divorce?

Randi: 15:18

Improved sleep quality, reduced nighttime disruptions, getting that REM sleep, which equals better mood, more energy. Your health is enhanced overall. Then if you're getting better rest your brain is firing on all cylinders and you're more likely to lose weight.'cause when we aren't sleeping, oh, that's a huge one. Yeah. If we're not sleeping, the cor cortisol and the stress and everything you,

Jess: 15:39

you pack on the pounds. Yeah, exactly. And so there's a whole bunch. And then you might want more sex. So, I mean, there, there you go lot. You might be like, Hey lot.

Randi: 15:46

Yeah. I mean, it could improve your sex life. Why not? Just come out your partner with it like that and they'll be like, okay, let's

Jess: 15:53

try it. I just saw Randy's shirt and I want her shirt because it, I am like, I'm gonna have to get that shirt later because I walk around singing the Pink Pony Club song in my head.

Randi: 16:02

Yes.

Jess: 16:03

All the time. It's, I'm

Randi: 16:04

gonna keep on dancing at the

Jess: 16:06

pingon. Yeah. So you can all sing that in your heads now too, but I think I need my own shirt. Yeah. So my daughter was like, where did you

Randi: 16:13

get that? I know. We're all like, because she started listening to Chappelle R before she was even big. So anyways, we love her. I love that song. Anyways, so let's talk about too, the downsides of a sleep divorce. What could possible downsides be?

Jess: 16:27

It could be that, especially if you completely separate that you're gonna feel lonely or you might feel disconnected. there's also a lot of social stigma or misunderstanding. Yeah, true. I mean, like I said, my housekeepers get really confused just'cause we have different blankets. I can't imagine if they're like, you're sleeping. You told people in different rooms. Like,

Randi: 16:45

what? What does

Jess: 16:45

that mean? Yeah. What else? And honestly, if you have a smaller home, it could be a challenge trying to figure out where Right. If that could work. Right? Yeah. I mean, I dunno about y'all, but when the kids are home during summer, it makes it really hard to even have sex. So how are you supposed to sleep in different rooms? Because the kids are always running everywhere. Yes. So Randy, what are some tips for making a sleep divorce work,

Randi: 17:07

like we kinda mentioned before, create a shared ritual at bedtime, whether that includes, you know, talking, winding down, lighting, some candles, cuddling, whatever that looks like, and then have. Morning check-ins or just, oh, I like that. After, even after work how was your day and then what did you think about this? How do you feel about moving forward? So you can keep that line of communication open and keep talking about how it's working and adjust it, if need be or, go back to the way things were, depending on how it's working. Out and make sure that both of your spaces are like equally comfortable Not like I'm gonna make myself this princess palace and you can go over there on the cot. Yeah. On the cardboard box over there. I mean, right. You,

Jess: 17:50

Get the food gone. Maybe that's

Randi: 17:51

what you know they want. I mean, you know. Oh God. Don't go down that road.

Jess: 17:57

No. No. Okay. Is this becoming something that we're seeing more? Is it more common now?

Randi: 18:01

Yes. We are seeing it become more and more common, especially with couples that have children shift work or sleep disorders because you need to prioritize your health to like make it through. We are all so Overworked, underpaid, overstressed, burnt out, exhausted. So we need to find some creative ways to kind of help ourselves. And more and more people are recognizing the importance of sleep for mental health and their relationships.

Jess: 18:28

Mm-hmm. we understand that this is not for everyone. I know some people out there are going Yeah, it's just off the

Randi: 18:32

wall. Yeah. Like where are you coming up with this? But you know, it's. It's something that's we're seeing coming up more and more in mainstream, and so we wanna talk about it and that there can be pros and cons and you just have to weigh them for yourself.

Jess: 18:44

Yeah. It is okay to explore this idea because we want you to rest. We need to be rested and improve our moods. And so it is not the end of intimacy. No. It could be the beginning of intentional rest, which is self care. I love that.

Randi: 19:00

So whether you are sleeping next to your partner, your dog, or a pile of books or a pile of kids, yeah, it's important to prioritize your rest. It's important to prioritize your brain and your relationships, and all of them will. Thank you.

Jess: 19:15

Thanks for listening to the Women's Mental Health Podcast. And as always, take care of yourself, get some rest, and we'll see you next week.

19:22

And from the bottom of our hearts, we thank you for listening, sharing, and supporting our work.