In this episode, I explain that recessions, pandemics, editors, reviewers, students, or your kids do not cause you stress. Listen to find out what really causes you stress and how to take power back over how you feel. This one concept will change everything for you.
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In this episode, I explain that recessions, pandemics, editors, reviewers, students, or your kids do not cause you stress. Listen to find out what really causes you stress and how to take power back over how you feel. This one concept will change everything for you.
Visit our website and sign up for updates: https://www.womenfaculty.com
Welcome to the thriving academics Podcast. I'm Ulya Tsolmon, a professor and certified coach, and I share insights on how to create your best work and live your best life. If you want to go from surviving to thriving without sacrificing what's important to you, then listen on To find out how. Hello, my friends, In this episode, I want to talk about what really causes stress. And it's not what you typically think it's not going to be recessions, pandemics, editors, reviewers, students, or your kids. Yes, you heard that correctly, it's none of these things. Understanding this is going to make a huge difference for you. Instead of feeling powerless, and at the effect of those external things and events, you can develop greater awareness where the stress comes from. So you can choose on purpose, what you feel, whether it be stress, or calm, or anything in between. And if you choose to feel stress, you will be feeling stress with awareness rather than feeling as though things are happening to you. And that you have no control over how to think and feel about those things. So let's start with an example of potentially stressful situation. So many of you teach. So let's say a student asks for an extension on the project. And you think that if I say yes, then I have to give all the students extensions, this is going to be a lot of work for me. And if I say no, I may not be very accommodating, and it may reflect on my teaching ratings. So I don't know how to balance the two options, both are not very appealing. And it's a difficult decision with various potential consequences. So with this thinking, you start feeling stress. Sounds familiar or relatable. You may have had a similar dilemma. So now let's take a look at what really caused stress here. Typically, people would say, of course, it's the student. If the student did not ask for an extension, then I not be stressed. And why would you not be stressed if the student hadn't asked for an extension? Well, because you would not have to have to think through the various options and choosing between them. But wait a second, here's the most important point, the stress came from having to think through the options and deciding that either option is not very good for you. Either you provide extensions to all the students and potentially increase your workload, or you don't provide the extension and having to say no, and wondering about any fallout that may bring. Notice here that the stress is a result of thinking about giving the extension or not, and it's not the student asking for an extension. This is a key difference. It's not the student or their request, it is you're thinking about and how you're thinking about the request. So how do we know that stress is not the only option for us, you can absolutely feel stressed that's up to you. The point here is not that you should not feel stress or other negative emotions, but really understand where the stress is coming from. Once you know that it is your thinking, then you get to choose on purpose, where the stress is what you want to feel in this situation. So okay, so how do we know that stress is not the only option? So let's use the same example. So a student asks for an extension? And you say no, because there are no exceptions, and I'm not willing to do more work. Maybe you're not going to say to the students, the last part, but maybe there are no exceptions, you have decided ahead of time, there would be no exceptions. So you can't say no from a good place where you are sticking to your rules. You at the same time understand the student, but because you are already decided that there won't be any extensions, you don't give an extension. So in this case, you may feel confident about your decision, and at the same time feel empathetic toward your student. So stress might come from thinking about potential impact on teaching ratings and other things. But notice how it is not the student or their request that is causing you stress, but it is how you're thinking about the request. So instead of complaining of at a student's request causing you stress, you now have an option to examine the very thing that's causing your stress. You apprehension about saying no. Okay, so now let's look at the same scenario. But in which you say yes to the students request, you say, Yes, I understand that these are trying times for you. And I'm very happy to grant you an extension of, say, of two weeks, you recognize that the extension may require you to put in more work than planned. But you figure you're willing to do more work in this case? So you're saying yes, from a place where you want to help the student. And you have decided that this is the choice Do you want to make you may feel generous and caring towards your student? The same scenario of a student asking for an extension can result in a very different feeling. So why is that? Well, because it's about how you're thinking about it. Stress in saying yes to the student may come from thinking about all the extra work that you may have to do, because you granted the extension, maybe more students will request extensions. Or maybe you need to move certain things around in your syllabus and do the grading way after the semester is over. But notice, again, that it is not the student who is causing your stress, it's your anticipation of extra work. So key point here is that our thoughts are causing stress, not a person or their words. Now, it's very important to identify the things that you think are causing you stress, it can be a real problem if you think that a student is causing your stress, because then you give all the power over your own emotions to external things. Suddenly, the external world is fully dictating how you feel on a daily basis. This can be a huge problem, because you think you have no control over how you feel, and no control over your experience. You relegate all the control and power over your experiences to external and really arguably very neutral things, neutral things until you assign a meaning to them, things like people, events, circumstances. So the only solution in this case, if you think that other things, causing your stress is to change the external things, so you can feel better. It's like being mad at the weather, you cannot change the weather. So getting mad at it is not going to be very productive. You cannot make it stop raining, so you feel better. So the minute you know why you feeling mad, that it is not the rain per se, but your thoughts about the rain, then you can start addressing whether you want to feel mad, or do something about it. So for example, if your picnic was canceled due to the rain, it is important that you notice that it's not the rain that's causing your feelings. It's your thoughts of being disappointed and missing out on the experience that is making you feel mad. Other people may be feeling joy experiencing the very same rain. So rain cannot cause universal feelings in all of us. We experienced different emotions about rain at different times because we use different lenses to think about rain. So the difference can vary from person to person experiencing the same rain experiencing different feelings. Or sometimes it can also be true that your feeling toward a certain circumstance is not going to be the same time and time again. For example, you know, in this instance, you might be upset or disappointed about the rain. But in the future or in under under a different circumstances you might be delighted about rain. So once you know it's your thoughts about the external events, people and the words that are causing you to feel a certain way, then you have so much more awareness. And from this place of greater awareness. You get to choose what to think and feel. Do you want to brood the entire day about the rain? If yes, then you choosing on purpose and that is so much better than relegating your power to the rain. If you don't want to brew the entire day. Then you can start thinking about how you could still enjoy the day even if your picnic is rained out. All of this comes from a more empowered place, you're not going to be trying to change something beyond your control. And you can now choose what to experience rather than feeling like you're completely at the effect of external things. So the key point here is that our thoughts are causing stress, not external events, recessions, pandemics, students, editors, reviewers, or kids loved ones, friends, colleagues, or they words inactions. Another point I would like to highlight here is that our thoughts are optional. I'm not suggesting that you should not feel stressed, you can, and could, if you choose it, but don't go around feeling stressed thinking it is the external world that's causing it own that it is the lens through which you are interpreting the world that is causing you stress. If you want to feel something else, then that's available to you, you don't have to change the world, or other people to feel better. Feeling better is available to you. Right now. By changing your thoughts. I will discuss how to change the thoughts that serve you in in the upcoming episodes. Another note, I will add here is this. So when I was just learning about this concept, I used to mistakenly think that owning my thoughts and emotions meant turning a blind eye to the external world and not making any attempts to change. That is not the point here at all. In fact, the work we do in our communities to improve the lives of others, and change the system for the better, should come from a more empowered place of owning our thoughts and emotions, rather than trying to change the system. Because we think this is the only way we can feel better. So absolutely, I'm all for changing the system. And this podcast is my way of doing that. Bringing awareness and empowerment to all academics. So we can do our best work without sacrificing what's important to us. But it is crucial that we do this work from an empowered place, rather than disempowered place. So the key takeaway is that external things do not cause you stress your thoughts are in between. You get to choose how you think and feel about external circumstances. So next time you're feeling stressed, ask yourself, what is it that you're thinking about this external circumstance that is causing you stress? That initial separation between the circumstances and your thoughts will be one of the most impactful shifts you will experience? Keep identifying your lens, your thoughts, your interpretations, your assumptions that you apply to the external world, then you get to feel on purpose. So that's all I have for you today. And until next time, take care. Hey, if you enjoyed this episode and want to learn more about all the things we're talking about, check out women faculty.com Where we take these concepts and apply them. Come join us and do your best work and live your best life.