Ep. 4: The Power of Feelings

In this episode, I discuss why feelings are so important, how they dictate what you will do or not do, and how to generate feelings that fuel your productivity in a nourishing, enjoyable, and sustainable way.

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Welcome to the thriving academics Podcast. I'm Ulya Tsolmon, a professor and certified coach, and I share insights on how to create your best work and live your best life. If you want to go from surviving to thriving without sacrificing what's important to you, then listen on To find out how. Hello, my friends, In this episode, I want to talk about feelings. So many of us have different feelings about feelings. So today, I wanted to tell you that feelings are really important, and we should really pay attention to them. So specifically, I want to highlight several key things about feelings. So the first one is that feelings are the reason why we don't do things, or we do things. Feelings are very important fuel, and feelings are not going to be random, they come from our thoughts, and we can choose them on purpose. Having feelings and paying attention to feelings is not a sign of weakness. And it's not a sign that something has gone wrong. We don't need to avoid feelings or resist them, you get to feel all of them. And most importantly, you get to decide which feelings serve you under different conditions. So imagine you're going on a trip or vacation that you're super excited about. So maybe you are in a car, train or airplane on the way there. And you find yourself feeling giddy and excited in anticipation of having fun, and really enjoying yourself. Even if the trip there is long and tiring, you have full of energy and anticipation. Contrast that to the trip back from the vacation where you feel exhausted, and the return trip seems long. And you get annoyed at the crowds traffic and you dread the work that's waiting for you at home. So notice how in this example, the trip, the journey is the same in terms of distance and time, but can have very different feelings associated with it. So on the way to your destination, you anticipate fun, you feel relaxed, you feel excited on the way back home, you anticipate work so you feel tired and anxious. So what's causing these different feelings on two legs of the trip. So it's definitely not the car or the airplane or the distance, it's really boils down to what you're thinking and anticipating. So the feelings that we have do not really descend upon us from any random clouds of feelings, they really come from our thoughts and they can be changed. So what feelings are generated with our thoughts really depends on how our brains have developed the connections. Some may feel embarrassed when they're acknowledged for their work with an award. Because they think that being in the spotlight is kind of awkward, and they may not even think that their work deserves recognition. And while others can feel proud because they think the award is well earned. So how we interpret a situation really is our thoughts about it, and our lens of making sense of the world. And the feelings caused by this thoughts can be very idiosyncratic. So you got to look into your own processes by which you generate certain thoughts, which then generate your feelings, a lot of it can be really socially conditioned. And we can also be conditioned on how to think and react to certain feelings. So when you think about feelings in general, what comes up for you? Do you think that feelings are irrelevant, dangerous, or that they are a sign of weakness, something to be avoided or pushed away and disregarded? So the answer will depend on how you are socialized into feelings. There could be cultural differences, differences by academic areas, upbringing and your experiences. So you may come from a culture that teaches kids not to show emotions in public and to control emotions. Maybe you are socialized to suppress your emotions, which can happen in male dominated academic environments, or you were brought up to ignore and resist your emotions and avoid them. Maybe you will punished for showing emotions, say in the workplace, which can be really true for many women. There are many reasons why you have certain thoughts and perspectives about the value of emotions and how to deal with them. The reason why it's important to talk about feelings and emotions is because feelings are the key reason why you do something or you don't do something. So feelings are very powerful fuel for our actions and inactions. So how do we know that feelings are powerful, and they can dictate our actions. So let's take a look at athletes. So the athletes emotional state can have a huge impact on their physical performance. So I'm a Duke Blue Devil. And I was really fortunate enough to witness to men's basketball championship wins under Coach K, while I was at Duke. So one year I started the Duke and the year I graduated, we got the national championship. So I was really glued to every game and every season. One interesting pattern in sports is that how teams show up after a win versus a loss can be very different. And this is no matter how difficult or tiring the previous game was. So after a win, the team usually shows up very confident and energized to their next game. The confidence from the previous win then translates into fewer mistakes, more confident plays, and more points. The team after a difficult loss typically struggles in the next game, they come tired, somewhat timid, unsure of themselves. And as a result, there are more mistakes and turnovers. Sometimes teams can turn things around because they're able to generate that confidence in themselves. So the feeling of confidence can really make a huge difference in how players show up. So Coach K was particularly known for his unwavering belief in his teams. So you got to really see him trying to pump up his team after a poor possession because he knew feelings and emotions really matter. During a tough game, what really makes the difference is the attitude of the team, whether they believe they can win. Sometimes you can see, when teams give up and just coasting to the end accepting their defeat, they slow down, they don't initiate any plays, and they just playing defense for the rest of the time. On the other hand, the best games I've seen do play are the ones in which the team does not give up until the last second. So there are several famous buzzer shark games that Duke won because they persevere to the end. So the difference maker, in this case, their feelings and emotions all the way to the end. So emotions can be very powerful because they can dictate everything you do, and don't do. If we're taught to ignore, suppress, or avoid feeling feelings, then we're not tapping into this powerhouse. Instead, we are practiced in numbing ourselves by using distractions, and maybe drowning our feelings with overworking, over drinking and over eating. So we gotta tap into and direct this fuel well. So the goal here is to generate the feelings that will get you into action towards your goals. And we want the feelings that can that we can truly enjoy in the fuel that sustains you in the long run. So I don't really have to tell you and convince you that stress not only feels awful, but also can literally kill you physically. So the number it does on your physical health is alarming. blood pressure, heart disease, headaches and migraines, digestive problems and diabetes are part of a very long list of problems. So to do your best work while living your best life means that you take care of yourself physically and emotionally. The two are very connected. So notice the common feelings you experienced throughout the day so there should be no judgment of whether they these feelings are good or bad. Just notice that what's on the menu is it joy Curiosity, calm contentment, or is it stress, doubt, fear anxiety. So once you notice a pretty good pattern, ask yourself, why are you feeling these feelings? I'll give you a hint. The reason why you feel something is because of the thoughts that you have. Recall the trip example at the beginning. The reason you feel excited about the trip on the way there is because you're thinking and anticipating fun. And the reason you feel dread on the way back is because you're thinking and anticipating a lot of work upon your return. So feelings are generated by your thoughts. Very often, we're so used to thinking something that the feeling seems to emerge on its own. You don't even notice the thought, that's generating the feeling, you will need to be attention and ask yourself, Why am I feeling this way? What am I thinking about the situation that is creating this feeling for me? What do I make things mean to feel this way? Why do I feel guilty about the trip? The feeling did not just come randomly you feel guilty? Because you think it's going to be exciting there? And why do you feel dreadful about what's coming up? On the return trip, you feel dread because you think it's going to be a lot of work awaiting for you starts generate your feelings. There are no good or bad feelings per se. fear and anxiety can be very useful in certain situations. Like when presented with danger, we need to feel fear to help us survive and avoid the danger. There are people whose brains do not have the ability to note and feel fear. And this people need constant supervision because they can find themselves in very dangerous situations. So fear is an important emotion for human survival. But we use the terms good and bad feelings in relation to what we want to achieve in terms of whether these feelings are useful or not. So let's say junk food per se is not objectively good or bad, is really good food if your environment. Finding a bag of chips when you're lost in the wilderness can buy you extra time. But it's not good food if you have choices, and your objective is long term health and well being. So similarly, what we socialized into thinking that anxiety and stress are more acceptable emotions, but joy and calm are to be suspect, should be questioned as to why we decided that and whether it is serving us associating certain feelings with certain characteristics is also social conditioning. So someone decided that men are not supposed to show emotions. Hence, emotions are a sign of weakness. So women in the workplace should also hide and suppress their emotions. I mean, okay, you don't need to show your emotions in public. But the problem is that by de legitimizing it in public, we carry it over to diligent demise, the feelings and emotions in private, we make it wrong to have and feel certain emotions. Emotions are such a great guide to what we are thinking that by suppressing them, we're also suppressed looking into our thinking. If we don't look into our thinking, then we don't have the control to change our thinking. So we just move along in life on default, without questioning whether there's a better way, or you wonder whether there's something wrong with you. All the while you just have adopted thoughts and feelings that are not serving you. So it's very important to allow yourself to feel emotions. Take note of them. Ask why you feel certain way towards certain situations, find the thoughts and ask if you really believe them, and if they're serving you so in this episode, I wanted to bring your attention to the power of feelings and emotions, all your actions and inactions are dictated by your feelings. Your feelings are also the color palette of your human experience. Feelings that feel great, and feelings that feel awful, are really part of your human experience. You get to feel them all and you get to choose the one instead serve you. So that's all I have for you today. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast. Have a great rest of the day and until next time, create your best work and live your best life. Hey, if you enjoyed this episode and want to learn more about all the things you're talking about, check out women faculty.com Where we take these concepts and apply them. Come join us and do your best work and live your best life.