Beyond the Smile: When People-Pleasing Takes a Toll on Your Gut

Have you ever wondered why that desire to say 'yes' at any cost sometimes leaves your gut feeling far from content? In this episode, Katie's breaking down the often-overlooked relationship between people-pleasing behaviors and the physical toll they can take on your gut. Join Katie as she walks you through the intricacies of how our well-being might be connected to the boundaries we set with others and what to do if you find yourself in this camp!

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K


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Transcript

Katie Lovitt: 0:00

Hey guys. I hope you are having an amazing week. Today we're talking about something that is really near and dear to my own heart because it's something that I, myself, am recovering from. I'm not perfect by any means with this, um, but I've learned a lot and I've grown a lot. And I think that this is probably something that you are likely dealing with as well, and that's really contributing to your gut symptoms, especially if you're a woman living in America. So let's dig in.

0:33

Hey, everyone. Welcome to The Nourished and Thriving Show. I'm your host, Katie Lovitt. I'm a registered dietitian on a mission to help you increase your impact and legacy on the world while healing your gut and reducing your IBS symptoms. I'm so grateful to have you here. Each week I'll inspire you to live vibrantly and provide valuable resources and information that empowers you to take bold action towards your health goals. Before we dive in, make sure you follow or subscribe to my show wherever you're listening so you never miss an episode. Ready? Let's go!

Katie Lovitt: 1:12

Okay, so the thing that we're talking about is being a people pleaser and how being a people pleaser can actually be driving some of your hot mess gut symptoms. We're gonna go through what being a people pleaser is how maybe you got that way without pointing a finger necessarily, or blaming, um, but just to understand where some of it might be coming from. And then we're gonna talk about what that means and how we're actually coming off to the world around us, and if that is truly united with our purpose or not. We're gonna be talking about how people pleasing is actually affecting your gut health. I'm gonna talk about some of the science behind it, and then we're gonna talk about some things that you can do. So we've got a lot to cover. Um, and you know, I think that this is really important. So a lot of the time whenever you're talking with a dietician about, you know, feeling better, getting rid of your gut symptoms, you are literally thinking about the nuts and bolts of food. Like, give me a meal plan, tell me what to eat, maybe tell me what supplements to take. And that's all that you're really maybe looking for. But this is why working with somebody like me who considers yes, fab. 5000%, um, your gut physiology and functionality and your microbiome and your diet and all of those tangible things. But there's also a non-tangible element to it. And if you skip this, your results will be limited every time. And so in my comprehensive gut rehab program, It goes into all of this, and this is why my clients get such great results is because it truly is looking at the entire picture with a sense of curiosity and and seeking to understand, and that's why my clients are walking away. Growing in other ways, in addition to reducing their gut symptoms. So I don't just want your gut symptoms to feel better. Like you can take a laxative if you're constipated, or you know, magnesium even, or you know, Immodium if you're dealing with diarrhea and quote unquote feel better. And that's not what you want either, and that's why you're here. Like you want to feel transformed. And so if that's what you're really wanting, This is some of the stuff you're gonna have to dig into to get there. So let's just define what people pleasing is to begin with. So the label People Pleaser, this is from Psychology Today. Um, on their website, the label people pleaser refers to someone who is exceedingly helpful and accommodating to others, and it's not talking about. To others. It's really doing that at your own expense. Um, a lot of the time you may not even know what your opinion is on a matter, or that you even have an opinion on the matter because you are just deflecting and deferring to other people all the time. Raise your hand if that feels familiar. Um, so not even realizing that you have a different opinion. Feeling maybe like in order to have unity with somebody else who you love and care about, you have to agree on everything. Um, and if you're in disagreement, there is not unity. That was a big myth and lie that I myself was believing about my marriage and, um, through marriage care. This. Spring and summer, I guess not spring, just summer. Um, I actually had that really cleared up for me and it really liberated me to think differently. So it's really looking to please others at your own expense. And a lot of the time you guys, this behavior is so deeply rooted in you. A part of your identity that you may not even recognize that you're doing it until someone starts to point things out like this. Um, so, you know, I find that to be often the case with my clients. Um, or, you know, you may joke that you're a people pleaser and you just wanna keep people happy. Um, but you don't realize at what detriment or expense it is to your own health. Um, so those are kind of some ways to know that you're, you know, people pleasing a lot of the time. This really comes from a fear of abandonment or not being accepted. Um, so, you know, if you were a kid and you voiced disagreement toward your parents or authority and we're told to be quiet, Um, and just get along with everyone and deal with it or, um, you know, sent away to your room until you could get yourself together and you had to sort through it on your own. You would learn to, you know, be quiet about those feelings or be quiet about those thoughts and not be, you know, willing, as willing to speak up and share them. Now, somebody with a very strong fortuitous personality may, um, You know, not switch over to this as much, but if you already have that kind of innate desire to, you know, please others and, you know, be get along and everything, then you're gonna adapt to this and learn really, really quickly about this. So, um, You know, if that feels like you or if that sounds like you just know that there's hope and recognizing these things is important. You don't have to, I don't believe, go completely down memory lane and figuring, figure out. You know all the why's of what made you be the way you are today. I think sometimes it can be helpful to recognize maybe what happened, especially if you have unforgiveness in your heart, and if you haven't been able to forgive those people or those situations and move forward. It's, it can be helpful in those situations. I'm not at all a therapist, so if this is, you definitely seek some counseling and therapy to work through those things. Um, but you know, I think it's really important also to not dwell on what happened in the past because it's happened and you know, it's really important to move forward. So I think if the past is helping you understand and be able to move forward, definitely dive in, maybe do some counseling to get some help with that. But just make sure you're not dwelling on that and that you are still looking forward and looking for a path to get there. Um, so I wanted to share some notes that really prompted this entire podcast episode, and this is from a past business mentor of mine, um, Sarah Hall. So she, uh, this is a quote, I can't remember if she like, put this on an Instagram or in an email or if it was on a business call and I was just taking some notes. Um, but this is from her and I'm gonna read it. I'm not gonna say anything else or add anything else. I'm just gonna read it and I want you to sit on it and kind of see how you're feeling. Okay. Alright. So it says you are here to serve, not get love and likes. Serving is about your future clients pleasing. It's about you. Pleasing others always comes to an end because it's never enough and we burn ourselves out. Trying to keep up with it day after day serving always comes back to us one way or another and produces more energy. Pleasing leaves you looking everywhere for more of what you want or need. Serving ensures all you could want and need is always taken care of. The time, love, money, all of it. Don't try to please everyone as it's a disservice to you and them, but do serve them. Show up to serve, not to be liked and get love. So, um, that is really, Powerful. Right. And of course this is from a business call, so, um, it might have been more like Clienty, but you know, serving is about others, right? And pleasing really, when it all comes back to it's about our own selves, our own security, our own safety. Um, Our own, like puffing ourselves up so we feel better about ourselves, um, or stay comfortable. It's about our own comfort. You know, if you're being a people pleaser to avoid conflict, it's because you're wanting to stay comfortable and you're scared. Um, you know, to step outside and possibly get uncomfortable for the sake of your own health or even the sake of your relationship, you know, ultimately. Um, so I hope that that's helpful for you guys. But just remember, like people pleasing, I think that we can really get into this lie. It's easy to fall into where we think we're just trying to make others happy and we really care about them when really it's about us. And you guys like. That stinks, right? Because we're like not even standing up for ourselves or doing what we want to do because we're under this lie and false impression that we're doing things for other people. And really it's still about us. Isn't that crazy? Um, you know, serving, it's about other people, but you cannot serve somebody if you are trying to protect yourself or stay comfortable. So, um, just remember that. Serving is about other people, you know, show up to serve, not to be liked, not to be comfortable, um, and that's what life's about. And whenever you're able to make that adjustment and make that tweak, you know, and like I said, I'm still working on this myself because my default nature is absolutely to keep myself safe and just try to make other people happy. Um, I think it's something that is always, you know, Continuous. As we continue to grow, we get better at it. Um, and you know, I'm not saying like, be a bully or a bulldozer and demand your own way. Like that's not out of love either. Um, but really finding that right balance of how can you be assertive and speak your, you know, your mind and your heart and stand up for what you need and want and believe in without. You know, pushing people away or being nasty or, you know, having to be your way or the highway, um, but also just not being, you know, basically a doormat and getting walked all over. I was not planning on talking about this, but I mentioned it a minute ago, so I'm gonna bring it up. I actually shared it with a client of mine on a call last week. Um, and that's about that unity part. Um, so this was actually Elia I was telling myself. Um, and that is that, you know, in order to be unified with somebody, you have to agree you have to be the same. And, um, this is from Paul Trips. On marriage. I cannot tell you the name of his book right now, but if you wanna let me know, um, you probably find it. Um, I'm just gonna read this to you too. Um, but it was really like the blindfold came off of me. Um, and then after this we're gonna talk some about like how the, what does this even have to do with gut health? So stay with me here. Um, it's really important actually. Okay. So Unity. Um, okay. It says it's not always to see how we are living outside. Um, it's always easy to see how we are living outside of God's design. There are some indicators of how this could be playing out in your marriage. Now, this can be any relationship, right? Not just marriage. Um, ask God to open your eyes to things you may have become blind to. The first thing is disunity. It says, disunity is the kind of self-love that hates difference that makes you impatient, that makes you want your own way, that makes winning more attractive than unity. Unity happens when love intersects with difference. Unity is not the product of sameness. Our differences are something that reflect God's glory in creation. As our sovereign creator, he chooses to bring different people into intimate relationship with one another for his honor and their good. So that was just really powerful. I hope it was helpful for you too, but I had never really thought about Unity as actually being. Honoring our differences and seeing that our differences are there for a reason and that you aren't necessarily wrong, like one person's not wrong because they believe something different than you or are a different way than you. So I hope that was helpful for you guys. So that's like the why, like what is people pleasing? Like why is it harmful spiritually and mentally? Why is it harmful potentially to relationships also? Um, and then let's talk about why it's harmful to our gut health, which is why we're here. As I mentioned, mindset is a big part of gut rehab is the program that I work with people, you know, mainly on. And I am a certified mindset coach, and we're about to dig into some of that like. Physiological why and how our minds and hearts are connected to our bodies. Um, another like example before we dig into that actually is, you guys know I have a pacemaker. If you've been following around for a while. Um, I have, I have a pacemaker. I've had one for 10 and a half years now. And, um, I started fainting all the time. It really increased in frequency right after my younger sister suddenly passed away. Um, it was completely unexpected. She passed away in her sleep from a seizure. Um, and. Then all of a sudden I started painting all the time and come to find out my heart was stopping. Um, and they never really figured out why. I have some ideas maybe with like, uh, my sleep stuff that I'm shared in my Instagram stories a couple weeks ago, and I'm not getting good quality sleep. My cortisol was already high, and then this, like emotional trauma happened and it just like basically shot my like coping skills. Right. Um, But that is a physiological response to mental and emotional trauma. And so this people pleasing is also mental and emotional trauma, and it has a physiological response as well, is why I share that story. So let's go into how that works and what happens. So whenever we have that recurring emotional trauma or anxiety and stress and just underlying. Feeling of not being safe or not feeling loved? Um, you know, in the form today of people pleasing is what we're specifically talking about. What that does is it turns on our sympathetic nervous system. Um, that is your fight or fight type of nervous system, right? You've heard before. If you are like running away from a saber tooth tiger, um, you need that sympathetic nervous system on because it pumps your body with adrenaline. It helps you run faster. You've heard about like crazy stories about moms being able to lift a car off of their kid, that type of thing. Like that is all, and thanks. To the sympathetic nervous system. Um, now the problem is this sympathetic nervous system is meant to be used in certain times, right? Like very certain limited stressor events. And most of the time we're actually meant to be in a parasympathetic. Parasympathetic state I could speak, um, which is the rest and digest mode. Um, so para parasympathetic is really what we're supposed to be in all the time. Now, if you constantly are having this, just like, you know, under underlying feeling of not being safe and pleasing others all the time, you're RevD up and your sympathetic nervous system is turned on all the time. What this does, what science has actually shown it to do. And I'm pulling this straight from scientific studies, like review articles and studies and all of that. So it's not just me telling you this or, or supposing or, um, anything like that. Jumping to conclusions, it's actually been studied, um, is that we're seeing an increase in leaky gut from sympathetic nervous system. What that means is your gut barrier is not working as it was designed. A bouncer at a club. I know that's kind of a cheesy example, but it's it's a fun one. It's unique and it's like, it's really clear and easy to understand. So if you have a club, your house, is this really, or your house, your body is this like really cool boppin club that everyone wants to get into. Your gut barrier is the bouncer at the door, and he's the one who says, who's on the list and who gets in and who doesn't. If your bouncer at your club is taken out by the mafia, Or like coming down with, you know, a bug or whatever. Um, absent at the door, things come in, people come in that should not be there, that can cause harm to your body. Um, so that's basically what's happening is those, those cells in your gut barrier become leaky. The, the junctions, the connections and how things press pass through, become kind of like, um, Oh, like floppy, like loose, like leaky, right? Um, so things are getting into your body that should not be there. And that creates an immune response. It creates an inflammatory response because now it's like, whoa, things are going on. Like if you're going back to the club example, I know you guys like, bear with me. Uh, it's like you're inside security is like, whoa, there's stuff going on in this club that should not be going on. Um, like, Full alert and security team, and that's what happens inside of your body. Um, I cannot even remember the last time I went to a club, probably like my bachelorette party 10 plus years ago. So, um, anyway, so, um, that inside security is your immune activity, right? Well, what also happens is your immune function in your gut is also upregulated, and your gut actually hosts about 80% of your immune cells. So it's, it's major. Um, They, we also see an increase in dysbiosis, which is an imbalance of microorganisms in your gut. We have not enough of the good guys, more of the inflammatory guys. We also see a reduction in mucosal secretion, which is actually a. Um, along the lining of your gut barrier and those good organisms in your gut actually help produce, um, short chain fatty acids, which is food for that. Um, so that is kind of like a cascade effect basically, of having an imbalance in those organisms. Um, We also see reduced blood flow to the gut. Remember, your body's like ready to outrun a saber-toothed tiger, or lift a car up off of a small child. So it needs all its blood flow to go to the muscles and not towards your gut. And so we actually see vasoconstriction, which means your blood vessels gets. Smaller and tighter around your abdomen. Um, and then we actually, you know, can see some higher blood pressure. That's why you hear like, oh, if you have high blood pressure, you need to manage your stress while people pleasing is a type of stress. Um, so then also with that reduced blood flow to your gut, we see reduced digestion because your digestive organs don't have as much blood flow going, so we're not gonna see those organs working as well. So do you see how this is just like this? Train wreck, honestly for your gut health. It's a train wreck. Everything that's in your gut is not working well because of this sympathetic nervous system being on all the time. Um, another, you know, thing that we see is increased chronic cortisol, which is re, you know, related to inflammation and weight gain. Um, that dysbiosis can contribute to weight gain as well. So if you feel like you're gaining this weight and you can't figure it, Your microbiome and your gut health and all of that can definitely be linked. And so can people pleasing you guys? Um, it's really, really important. So, um, are you shocked by like all the things that, like I feel like we kind of blow people pleasing off and it's like, oh yeah, I'm a people pleaser. Kind of like we do with that like stress badge, right? That we all kind of carry. Oh, I'm so stressed. I'm so busy. Um, we don't like people pleasing. Sounds nice. It sounds nice. Oh yeah. She just wants to make everyone else happy. She's so sacrificial. But are you really, if it's for the motive of keeping yourself safe and comfortable, that's a really hard question, and I'm sorry if that's hard, um, or offensive to you, but it's really with your best interest and heart. I'm not being a people pleaser in this episode. Look at me. This right in the show. Now what? Where do we go from here? I'm gonna give you three action steps to take to help stop this. Okay? Before I do. If you've been listening for a while, I would appreciate so much your, you know, five star rating and quick review of the show. Gimme one to two sentences about why you love it. Push, pause, go give me a rating and a review. Um, it'll really help me get the word out to more people who really need to hear this information, who are struggling like you are. Um, or like you were, you know, if you're a client of mine and we've gotten you into a better place, I would really, really appreciate it. It does so much for the show. It's so much for me. Um, and I really am grateful for you. So pause it, go do that. We'll come back and then we're gonna dig into, um, you know, where to go from here. Okay. So, three steps to take after I've like thrown these bombs on you all day. Um, okay. First one. Do some self-reflection. You know, you may think, oh no, I'm not a people pleaser, or, you know, that doesn't really apply to me. Or, I am a people pleaser, but I'm doing it truly for others. Really ask yourself what your motives are. Ask yourself if you're trying to keep yourself safe, ask yourself if you're working to avoid conflict, you know, get a journal out, put on some nice. You know, spa music, um, and just reflect, journal, pray, whatever it is to like connect down into your heart and soul. Um, and just think through this, okay? If you find that you are people pleasing, um, try to set some boundaries. You know, first you need to recognize. What situations am I people pleasing in? Is it every situation or is it just with certain people, just with certain situations? Um, is it something I really wanna change? And then you need to start identifying what are some things that I'm giving. In on that, I don't want to be giving in on anymore. Um, what opinions do I have? Do I agree with these other opinions that I've just been letting, you know, agreeing with and going along with, is that really how I feel? Or do I feel differently? This is not gonna happen in one journaling session or overnight. You guys, this is gonna take time, but ask yourself those questions. You know, anytime you're having a tough conversation with someone or a conversation that goes deeper, ask yourself like, is this really what I believe? And it may change over time, and that's okay. You know, you're exploring and, and determining what it is that you really believe in and agree with and all of that. But as those things come up, try to set some boundaries for yourself. Um, and you know, really, it'll really help you kind of know. Where a line is being crossed that you don't want it to be crossed anymore, and it really frees you up, you know, to have so much more capacity to go truly serve people like what we were talking about. Okay, the third action step is remembering or getting to know your identity. Who are you? Why are you on this earth? What is your purpose? What are your passions? What lights you up? Do some journaling about that stuff too. I know that these are big questions, right? Um, and the answers, like I said, they're not gonna all like hit you at once, right? It's gonna come out over time. Um, this is. A big part of the mindset work I do in clients with gut rehab. Yes, we absolutely are doing like, well, how do I stick with a goal and be consistent and all of that, that you're probably more used to, but this is equally as important. And you know, I hope that you can understand where I'm coming from with that. Now that I, um, have kind of walked through some of those examples of science of, of how this is harming you potentially, um, So if you feel like you're needing more handholding and more help and more support as you work through these things, um, you know, definitely reach out and gut rehab might be a really great option for you. So I'd love to talk more about what we can do in there and, you know, keep you moving forward and, and growing and all of that. So, I hope today's episode was helpful. Let me know what you thought. Let me know if you're struggling with people pleasing and didn't even realize it. Let me know if you're struggling with people pleasing and thought it truly was being, you know, serving towards others. Um, and just let me know how, you know, the light was kind of shined for you in this situation. So, um, hope you have a great day and.

26:58

Thank you so much for listening to the entire episode. I hope you are feeling inspired and empowered to take bold action towards your health goals. If you enjoy what you heard, don't forget to follow my show so you never miss a new episode. And it would mean the world to me, if you left me a review, so others know what to expect from my show. Last, get in touch. Let me know what bold action you're taking. Let me know how you're inspired. Follow me on Instagram@the_healthygut_dietitian. I've put a link in my show notes for you, so you can simply click and follow. Come say hi, I respond to all my messages and I can't wait to get in touch.