Dads Dating After Divorce
Dating after divorce isn’t what it used to be—especially when you’re a dad. The rules have changed, the world has changed, and now you’ve got kids in the mix. Join Dallas and Jude as they share real-world strategies and insights from their work with dads and men at BlackBoxDating.com and TheDivorcedDadvocate.com.
Dads Dating After Divorce
13 - Cargo Shorts Won't Get You Dates
Looking sharp isn't just about vanity—it's a strategic move that impacts every area of your post-divorce life. In this revealing episode, we unpack why men's style matters more than most divorced dads realize, and how your appearance silently communicates volumes about your character before you say a word.
When your self-worth takes a hit after divorce, upgrading your style provides a powerful, accessible way to begin rebuilding confidence from the outside in. As co-host Jude candidly shares his own journey from "cargo shorts guy" to confidently well-dressed, we explore how small changes in presentation can dramatically shift how others perceive you—and more importantly, how you perceive yourself.
Women consistently notice and respond to men who demonstrate effort in their appearance. As Dallas explains, "When a guy shows up looking put-together, women feel they can count on him not to be passive or complacent in the relationship." This extends beyond dating to your professional life and the example you set for your children, who are always watching how you present yourself to the world.
Contrary to what many believe, dressing well doesn't require a hefty budget. We share practical, affordable strategies for finding quality clothes that fit properly (the #1 style rule), essential grooming practices that women notice immediately, and simple accessories that create natural conversation opportunities. From thrift store finds to the psychology behind "peacocking," we provide a comprehensive roadmap for style transformation.
Ready for real change? Take our "First Date Audit" challenge: evaluate what you'd wear tonight, be honest about how it makes you feel, and commit to creating one knockout outfit that projects confidence. Share your results with us—your journey could inspire other dads navigating the same path.
Hello and welcome to Dad's Dating After Divorced, the only podcast dedicated to helping dads navigate the challenges and opportunities of finding love the second time around. My name is Jude Sandoval, I am your co-host and the founder of the Divorced Advocates, and I'm joined by my co-host, dating and relationship coach from Black Box Dating, dallas Bluth. How you doing, dallas? Doing fabulous, jude, on top of the world man. How you doing? Yeah, I am doing well as well.
Speaker 1:I'm excited to talk about this topic. It's kind of dear to me and I think really in the divorce journey, this can and you might say should be one of the first things that dads should tackle. But often get wrong, if you will. And what we're talking about is style right, and we've titled the episode loosely. Like you know, we kind of work with episodes, ideas and what. It shouldn't matter, but it does men's style Right, and I think it's.
Speaker 1:It's something that all guys kind of innately know, especially when we're single, right, it kind of makes it kind of makes a little more expensive. We pay a little more attention and maybe as we get older, we want to be more valued for our character and our humor and our loyalty and all that and then we get into dad mode etc. And so the presentation thing might, might, fall off. And then now we're back in the scene again and really needing to to pay attention to that, because what our outside is saying has a reflection on what's going on in our inside right. So, from the dadvocate perspective, if you will, it's not just about dating. It's really about rebuilding your self-worth after you've taken a hit, because let's not lie about this After a divorce and the end of a relationship, your self-confidence, things like everything's thrown into chaos and your self-worth may have taken a hit.
Speaker 1:I know it definitely did for me. So I don't really look at this as kind of a superfluous thing. I really I look at this as foundational work and kind of easier foundational work than maybe some of the mental, emotional foundational work that we've talked about in past episodes, and we're definitely going to be talking about a lot, but something that is, you know, kind of like a, a quick, a quick help, if you will. Now I don't want to say quick fix, because there are no quick fixes, but something that you can. You can get going on pretty quickly.
Speaker 2:So yeah, the, the packaging that you bring to a date and to the world is so impactful, it is so real and I've talked to particularly a number of older men and they said I wish I had learned earlier how much women appreciate it when a man dresses well, when a man shows up and he's well-groomed, when he puts thought and effort into how he presents himself. Women respond to that immensely. And I just got to say this to you. I remember the first time we met and we had coffee, I was like damn, this guy looks sharp.
Speaker 2:You had on the nice dress shirt. You had a little bit of accessories, but not too much, and I was showing up with my standard uniform t-shirt for my business and I was showing up with my standard sort of uniform t-shirt for my business and I was just like wow, yeah, okay, and my first impression of you was that you were impressive. We hadn't really exchanged any words yet, we hadn't talked before we met, but that was my first impression of you and I have to say, if you had been dressed differently, there would have been not like a hole to dig out of, but there would have been a shift that would have had to happen for me to really feel like we connected the way that we did. But when you brought your best to the encounter with another guy we're not on a date it really made the difference.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, thanks for that. And I remember you saying do you always look like this? And I'm like, well, yeah, kind of, and it's funny because so, whether or not you recognize this consciously, so we're in a business setting right, we're coming to talk about, hey, how do we collaborate together? This is before we started down this road and doing this, but just the first initial meeting. But, whether you consciously know it or not, that there is a judgment that takes place in your subconscious with somebody and then you've got to work from there.
Speaker 1:Dug out of a hole, if I showed up looking like a schlub and because you're not going to take, you're probably not going to take this seriously for a myriad of different reasons, and so, and it you know I wasn't, I wasn't in a suit or three piece suit or anything like that, it just had you know, just cleaned up and dressed like I normally do and look presentable and done a few things and in my eyes, the word is you look sharp, you look put together, and the thing is, when I look at you and I don't know you and we do this with every single person we're going to.
Speaker 2:We have to summarize and sort of categorize people. We have to kind of go what kind of a person are they? And the way that you show up, in the way that you dress, it will immediately categorize people. We have to kind of go what kind of a person are they? And the way that you show up and the way that you dress, it will immediately categorize people. It's so deeply ingrained we oftentimes ignore it. If you see somebody in skater pants and shoes, we just put them in a certain category. We don't really judge them as good or bad, we just say they're that kind of person. When you see somebody who shows up in a three-piece suit, I would have put you in a different category, but you showed up looking the way that you did and you clicked into the category and I think it matched the category that you wanted to be seen in. It was congruent with how you wanted to be perceived in the world. You, tell me, did that Right?
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, exactly. Well, and I was going to make that point about you because I think we have different styles, right. But but you and you said I showed up in my my, my, my normal. You know what I'm? I'm a dating and relationship coach style, but you looked good, you like, while you had a t-shirt on. It was a nice t-shirt, it was a pressed t-shirt. You were groomed well, your jeans looked like.
Speaker 1:All of that had an impact and you could take that. It could have been the same with somebody that's got their 15-year-old graphic tee on and baggy jeans that are hanging, you know, with their boxers the same exact clothing articles. Just, you look terrific because you did it in a way that is meaningful. So, yeah, I think that's important for guys to recognize. Now let's talk a little bit about you know. No-transcript too is that they don't see that they've made an effort to do something, and I think that effort is kind of the one underlying part. If you're not looking good, that's not only your potential romantic partner will see, but also your boss or your colleagues are going to see, also your kids. So that's the third part. I think why it's important is because your kids are watching you as well, and then also, like we alluded to in the beginning, is yourself, as far as how you feel about yourself and your confidence. So those are the four whys that I see around, why it's important, and then the effort.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I completely agree the effort that we put into presenting ourselves. I'm going to speak to the side with women. They definitely feel that when a woman goes on a date and she doesn't know a man, there are lots and lots of questions, lots of open-ended question marks in their mind that they're wondering about with this man. And one of the biggest question marks is is this guy the kind of guy that makes an effort and brings energy to the table? Is he going to contribute? Is he going to pull this wagon down the road, or is he going to be kind of lazy and just kind of coasting along as long as he gets whatever it is that he wants out of it? And when a guy shows up and he shows that he makes the effort and it's not just for the date, it's not just for the woman he's the kind of guy that makes that effort over and over again. That's going to naturally attract women because they can feel that they can count on him to not be passive, not be lazy and not be complacent in the relationship because he's being that way in his own life.
Speaker 2:You take that and you apply it to the example you have with children and you take that obviously into the workforce. That's definitely going to help you in your career. And, most importantly, when you've had this destructive moment in your life or long extended moment of divorce, we have to communicate to ourselves that we are going to get back up on the horse and that we are going to make the effort to go in the direction that we want to go, starting with you know what shirt am I going to wear and you know what? I don't have any good shirts, so let me go to the store and get a couple of them that I can feel proud to wear. That shifts the identity. That tells us what kind of a man we're going to be.
Speaker 1:Right, and we're going to get into that too, coming up here about how to do that, how to do it on a budget, like how, how uncomplicated it actually is to to, to to do. But before we do that, I wanted to also point out kind of the second thing that I feel is the statement that you make whether it's with potential date or with your work colleagues or your boss or your kids is that it's you're projecting capability, that you're capable of putting yourself together, creating a persona, if you will, having style, matching stuff right, that projects capability, that projects to your kids, that you're confident and you have the ability to do that. And let me just say also that you may not feel this way inside, and that's okay. You may not feel confident, you not feel like you're making a great effort, you may not feel very capable.
Speaker 1:But by doing something as simple as this and it's kind of the fake it until you make it mentality is you start to project this. And this is the whole thing that I think we get wrong in our society. Like you have to, you have to know all this knowledge before you can actually do stuff. It's actually the opposite you do stuff and then your mentality catches up with it, right, and then you start to believe that, hey, you know, I do make an effort, okay, and I am a good dad and I'm a catch and I have the capabilities to do this. And then it starts to build your self-confidence.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and the fake it till you make it component. We all experience that continually, especially if we're stretching into a larger world than we're just really born into and comfortable with. Probably the best tool for this is a full length mirror. A lot of guys don't have a full length mirror to look at themselves in, because I feel this all the time, every day.
Speaker 2:There's an internal view of how I look, in my style and my presentation, and then when I look in the mirror I see something that sometimes it lines up, but a lot of times it doesn't. For example, a lot of times I put on a sports coat and on the inside it feels like I'm a poser, it feels like I'm trying too hard. But I look in the mirror and I think, no, that looks really good, that looks really well prepared. And so there's this slow realignment of the external appearances and the internal perception that we have of each other and, as just a practical tool, use a full-length mirror to see how does this guy look, and then you check in with yourself on the inside and how does this guy feel.
Speaker 1:Okay, I think that's a great segue into the how right Like our practical toolkit, if you will, of how to do this. Number one get a full-length mirror right, and I didn't even think about that, maybe because I've had a full-length mirror my whole life. But that's a great, great point, because I feel like we don't, and so I'll be upfront. You were very kind with your compliments and opening about how I look. That was not me after divorce. That wasn't me during my marriage either. Right, I was the cargo pants or the cargo shorts and the polo shirt that was like awful stripes or or whatever, and and like sleeveless sweaters and just a train wreck of a mess with the pleated like beige pants, khaki pants or whatever, and not that there's any like you can. There's a, there is a way that you can do all of those things. Yes, and look good, I was not doing any of those things and look good, I was not doing any of those things and looking good.
Speaker 2:So let me just jump in to that one point. There is style, which means you're putting intentionality and effort into what you're doing, and then there are different styles. Pleated khaki pants is one style. Three-piece suits that's another style. Cargo shorts and polos that's one style. Three-piece suits that's another style. Cargo shorts and polos that's a style. When you're going to the 4th of July pool party, cargo pants and a polo shirt are appropriate. It's one realizing that you have one, or maybe multiple styles that you like to do and then having style enough to wear it well, to do it well. I just had to jump in in case you're being ourselves, but I have a question. So you had the we'll call it the cargo pants version of Jude, and then we have the dress shirt version that you have now. Can you tell me, for everybody listening, a quick snapshot of how did you feel emotionally then, when you were wearing cargo pants, versus how you feel emotionally dressed now? Like, give us the two time capsules of those two points in your life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's a great, great question, because so again, you were kind in your assessment of how I dressed. I did not, and I feel confident with how I dress now and I feel confident when I show up at places. I do I'm not bragging, but I do get compliments. I like to wear suits, which seems, at least in the Denver metro area, like an uncommon thing anymore Because, well, and it always has been a little bit, it always has been a little bit more casual here, but I still like to do that. I do it and I don't like ties, so I do it in a casual manner, like with a dress, shirt and open collar and like that. But I do get comments quite often and that helps, right. That helps me feel good. I'm already at this point where I'm confident with it.
Speaker 1:That's taken a decade, right, since, or more since, my divorce, and it's taken refinement over that too. So I guess I want to make a point and I'll get back to finishing how I felt before that. But you don't know what you don't know, right. So this is just another process for you, as a divorced dad, of learning, because if you didn't have a father which I didn't, so when my dad died in his closet with the same suits he had when I was a kid, right, like he had no sense of style. He didn't. You know, he was just a common kind of down to earth guy.
Speaker 1:It was t-shirts and shorts and jeans were fine and that was it, and so I didn't ever learn any of this. I learned some of it from my mom. So you don't know what you don't know and you just kind of get into it. And so when my divorce ended, I think probably what the first thing that did it and why your mirror comment was important, is, looking in the mirror I was like, oh man, I don't like this, and part of it was that I had started, near the end of my divorce, losing a bunch of weight like 25 pounds, right and so I had lost a bunch of weight and had really started to get fit again, which I was a division one athlete. So I had gone so far to the other end of the spectrum that I was not fit, to the other end of the spectrum that I was not fit.
Speaker 1:And then I was dressed and my clothes were just reflective of what was on the inside right, and so I did not feel good about myself and, looking at myself then hadn't lost the weight, gotten more fit, and in these clothes I just felt just not good at all. And so it took time then to build towards that and the how to do that is and maybe we can get into some details now about that and because I feel like also some of the dads get caught up in well, I don't have a lot of money. Things are certain. Right now I don't want to spend a ton of money, you don't. It does not cost a ton of money to do this.
Speaker 1:And then the first part I want I think is important to talk about is what you said, which is you can pull off the, the khaki, the, the, the khaki and the, the sweater or whatever. But it's how you do it, and one of the things that guys don't get told a lot is how it fits like, how your clothes like you right now. You look, you've got a great t-shirt on right. It is not a baggy t-shirt, it is not. It is not a graphic tee. I mean maybe graphic tees once in a while. Okay, Like whatever, but I'm not a huge fan. But it fits right, it's good, fits around the shoulders, it's not bad, like it looks good. That is a huge huge thing, because it it, then it will help to like, define you yes, yes, and and to your point, it fits me.
Speaker 2:A fit is something that is particular. And when it comes to awareness, self-awareness, right and and when it comes to picking whatever, when it comes to picking the style that you feel, that you identify with and it feels good for you, you need to pick first of all the style that fits you and then, once you pick that style and you go out shopping, the the first criteria for me hands down is how do these things fit on your? The emergency broadcast system is jumping into the podcast.
Speaker 1:It's telling us guys listen, this is important information, okay good.
Speaker 2:I just want to make sure there isn't a missile attack.
Speaker 1:I need to make the most of my last 15 minutes.
Speaker 2:Okay, sorry, jude, not sure I. I'm gonna spend it with you.
Speaker 1:If I only got 15 left, all right back to the back to the topic at hand, the.
Speaker 2:The fit on your body is the most important thing to look at. Guys, you can't just say, oh, I'm a size 34 in the waist or I wear a large shirt. You need to get a lot more specific and you need to again, in the clothing store, look in the full-length mirror. You need to ask yourself how does this fit on my body? And so for me, I actually went through some nutrition changes in the last year. I started for a period, for an extended period of time, I was tracking calories because I'd never done it. I I'd lost 30 pounds and then I've, yeah, and then I've gone back up and everybody said, dallas, like I wouldn't have thought you had 30 pounds to lose, but I just, it's like I trimmed it down and things felt good and I've, I've gained about 10 pounds of it back and I'm about where I like to be at the moment.
Speaker 2:I had to throw out tons of pants that just didn't fit the right way anymore and I was kind of proud of it. And I went to the store and I was thinking, okay, I really need to pay attention to how these clothes are fitting on me. Turns out, sizes don't mean anything. They give you a rough estimate, but the way a pair of jeans from one store to another, to another, is going to be wildly different, and it really matters how those pants hang on your body. Yeah, the fit is absolutely the number one criteria that we have to look at, and that's going to happen.
Speaker 1:Hopefully and this is a topic for another episode hopefully you're working on your physical part of your life. It's another thing that is kind of a quick hit that you can do, that you can control in this challenging situation. That's another thing that we can talk about in or just allude to. At least you don't have a lot of control about what's happening during your divorce or maybe even post-divorce a little bit. But what you can't control is you can control how you look and how you show up.
Speaker 1:Another thing is you can control your physical fitness and how much effort you're putting into that. So you talked about you shedding pounds as well. I did the same thing and trying to get myself back to a place that I felt comfortable. But just know that that's also going to fluctuate, guys, and that's okay. Like you said, you were up. I'm up about 10 pounds from where I feel really, really comfortable. I'm down 10 from just a year ago where I was up 20, which so this happens to all of us in seasons of our lives.
Speaker 1:You get busy with kids or work or you just stop paying attention, you don't go to the gym, whatever. That's okay, but you can still adjust. I've done the same thing. I try not to throw away. I try to use them to motivate me to get back to what I might need to. But you can go out and you can buy new stuff. Stuff does fit. Like you said, the Lucky Jeans to the Levi Jeans. They fit completely different. So don't get tied into a 32 or a 36 or or our 42 chest or whatever it is. Just find whatever, whatever fits and and let's talk about okay. So, like you might think oh geez, dude, dallas, this is expensive, like I'm going to be throwing stuff away. Oh my gosh, some more important stuff Now. I don't even know where that one's coming from. All right, maybe it'll stop. My gosh, some more important stuff Now. I don't even know where that one's coming from. All right, maybe it'll stop, but are you not getting one on your end? I don't know where this is coming from no, no, my phone.
Speaker 2:I mean, is that coming through your phone?
Speaker 1:Is that where it's coming through? The first one came through my phone and the second one I have maybe through my Alexa, who knows. Second one I have, maybe through my Alexa, who knows? Anyway, it's just an alarm, guys, to be paying attention to what we're saying here, because it's important information.
Speaker 1:Wake up, this is important, yeah, and it is it's not expensive to do this, okay, so let's talk about a couple of ways that you can do this, that it is affordable in doing, and a couple of ways that I've found is one thrift stores in doing, and in a couple of ways that I've found is one thrift stores. Thrift stores are are a great place, and you'd be amazed the quality of stuff that people just give away and and now the the the positive to that is it's going to be inexpensive, like like a quarter, like you can find some amazing, nice stuff that I've I've found at thrift stores that are just hundreds of dollars. You'd just be amazed. The downside is it takes a lot more efforts to sift through and sort through that stuff, but you can find stuff that is nice, that is quality and does fit you, and they have full-length mirrors at most of the thrift stores, so you can.
Speaker 2:Securely bolted to the wall so that no one can walk away with it.
Speaker 1:Yes, exactly, and so that's one of them and I'll give you my other and then I'll ask you for some more of your pearls. The other is discount stores like TJ Maxx or Ross or some of them. They might not be the exact hippest, newest style, because the fashion industry goes on. They find something new every year and it's a cool thing and then everybody's got to buy it. And if you don't care about that like I don't as much, and I kind of get into my own little style it's not based upon what's coming out any given year.
Speaker 1:You can find really, really reasonably priced and it's new. So you don't have that stigma about somebody else may have worn it. It's not going to be as inexpensive as a thrift store and you're still going to have to maybe sort through. It's a little bit easier, but there are going to be maybe even newer fashions there, but it will be new, it will be inexpensive and it'll be relatively easier than a thrift store to go through. So those are my kind of hacks, if you will, to finding stuff that fits and that is quality, that you're going to be able to wear for a good period of time. What are yours?
Speaker 2:Yeah, those are fabulous, and those are two that I definitely have drawn on a lot myself. Yeah, I had a dress shirt. Well, let me say, when you go and do this, bring a woman with you whenever possible, or another guy who knows style, or another guy who knows style, yeah, Because I know a lot of women who have no style.
Speaker 1:Start commenting and asking Jude to go with you Because while he says his little old style, or however.
Speaker 2:You just said it. So not true, man, you are a sharp dresser, you look good. So yeah, everybody, yeah, fill up Jude's inbox, ask. So yeah, everybody, yeah, fill up Jude's inbox, ask him to go shopping with you there we go.
Speaker 2:It's my new side business, thanks, yeah, having somebody come with you can give you a different perspective. Sometimes they'll pull things off the rack for you to try. That might be outside of your comfort zone. And then you put it on and again, the running image for this whole episode apparently is full-length mirror. You look at yourself in that shirt and you're like, actually I'm surprised, I actually like the way this looks. But when it comes to saving money, yeah, I have you know, one of my favorite sort of evening shirts is a mark anthony shirt. I think I looked it up it's like two hundred dollars. I paid six dollars for it, I think yeah, yeah, you can get amazing deals, but you are spending a little more time.
Speaker 2:But here's the trick, guys you have to spend the time anyway to develop your sense of style. You have to spend the time anyway to see how well does this fit? It fits in the shoulders, but it doesn't fit around the midsection. The length is too long or it's too short. If it's in, you know, the length is too long or it's too short. And the, the, the thing that's very interesting is the brand name maybe sometimes can tell you what the fit is going to be like. Maybe, but it's the. It's fine when it comes to finding the right fit on your body. That is brand independent for the most part. You're going to, you're going to have to.
Speaker 2:I go to my favorite discount store to go to is actually Ross and it's panning for gold. I will take literally 12 shirts with me to the back and I will maybe keep one of them. Most of them don't fit even remotely well and I will go through a lot of shirts and sometimes I'll be there for, you know, a couple of hours. I don't do this very often, but when I do it, I go ahead and do it and I try on lots of shirts and I come out with maybe four or five that I feel fit me relatively well and then from that fit I will take a look at which ones actually give me the look that I'm looking for. That, that that made that I feel the best in. Yeah, I use both of those.
Speaker 1:Can I use a point about that real quick, Because I know guys, lots of guys are going oh geez, come on, I got to go for like two hours and go shopping. Look, it's a one-time upfront investment.
Speaker 1:And what you just described, dallas. It's necessary because the difference you don't know what's going to fit, how it's going to fit, what it's necessary because the difference you don't know what's going to fit, how it's going to fit, what it's going to look like you have got to go in, you've got to try on, you get the feedback if you can. You know who I think is one of my best at least is my daughters, or teens, like teen daughters, teen, because they're kind of more on the pulse of like what's going on and what looks good and not, and they'll definitely give their unabashed, their unabashed opinion to you about what you look like. So ask, you know, ask your kids, they'll, they'll give you a pretty honest opinion if that looks just horrible or you look like a, look like a schlub. But but I wanted to just, I want to just, I just wanted to address that mentality with with the dads, because, yes, this goes into the effort, part of it, though.
Speaker 1:So it's going to take a couple of hours, maybe over a few months, or six months, or nine months, to refine, every three or six months, whatever, to refine this to a point where you feel good. But that effort will then show through, and it's only a couple of hours of effort, right. And then it shows through. And it's only a couple of hours of effort, right. And then it shows through. And we're going to talk about a little bit about how that shows through, on how to do this, with different dates et cetera coming up here in a little bit. But you've got to do it.
Speaker 2:You have got to do what Dallas described and just carve out the time, yeah, so to reinforce what you're saying, everything of value comes at a price. If you want to look good and that is value, that is value on a date, that is value in the job force, that is value with yourself, that's value in the example you set with children All of that value comes at a price. The price is you have to sift through and find out what actually looks good. The price is you have to sift through and find out what actually looks good. Another point that is really important is when I walk into my closet, I have lots of shirts that I feel confident I'm going to look good in. I don't have those two or three shirts that I know I can wear on a date, but once I've now been out on two or three dates with that woman, I'm out. I have no more options. It's either I start dressing down or I start repeating the cycle over. We want to have an abundance of good options that we feel good in, we look good in, that fit our personality.
Speaker 2:Gentlemen, there is money involved but, honestly, the time involved in finding what really works for you, that's the bigger expense, really, really and okay, you don't want to do it. Guys are like you know and this comes back to you know, to the original the original idea of it shouldn't matter, but it does. Guys want to tell ourselves and we do tell ourselves a narrative that this doesn't really matter. It's like people just accept me. This is functional. On one level, that's true. But really, guys, you are shrinking your impact on the world and, in a dating sense, you are massively shrinking your dating pool. If you look at clothing and style as merely a functional component, women are going to be way more impressed and they're going to want to dress better.
Speaker 1:For a man that's bringing something more attractive to the table, yeah, and I like the fact that you stated you're minimizing your impact on the world because it's just not dating, it's your professional life, like we talked earlier professional life. What's your modeling for your kids? It has an impact too. They see that you look good, that people take notice of you. That completely changes your dynamic of how you function in the world, how you function in your family with your kids. Leadership it goes to leadership. This is truly foundational, gentlemen, and you might think that's really an overstatement. It is not an overstatement. It can have such an impact. So I just wanted to add on to what you said, because that was perfect. It has a larger impact than just dating and just romantic, but I mean there's that benefit too. Let's talk about what I feel is like one other practical kind of toolkit thing. We've talked about making sure that it's fit, inexpensive ways to find stuff, kind of ditching. And before we do that, let me make one more.
Speaker 2:Can I make one more comment about the third point about saving money? Yeah, if you go straight to the department store or the expensive shop and you start spending money on expensive clothes assuming that it's going to make you look good you're wasting money. You want to learn how to do this at the chain discount stores, at the thrift stores. You want to get some practice in and find out what looks good on you so that when you do go to the higher end store you have that trained, you have an eye for it and then when you pick out the higher quality item because they do look different and you have the quality combined with the right fit and the right style, then you will look like a million bucks. So you will save yourself money by not skipping ahead and going to the expensive store. Learn the skill first and then take that skill and spend a little more money on a pair of pants that make your ass look amazing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly so. And that would go to kind of the point we talked about earlier, which is learning this stuff, and with all the technology we have now it's you can learn this stuff easily AI, you can just type in what looks good, or how do I pair this, or what do I do with this, or and I still, I still do it sometimes if I've got a unique situation or something that I'm going to or color combinations that I'm not sure about, or something like, obviously I'm refining it very detailed or pocket like. But you can do that, and this was, this was part of my learning process over the last decade of having to do that. Some of it was horrible, fails, right, it didn't look good, and you'll, you'll know that because you won't feel good. And then you also probably get some feedback, particularly from your kiddos, going the hell is that dad? But but you know, you can ditch that dad uniform and you can move up and kind of upgrade that, that, that whole, that that whole persona, that whole, uh, just by upgrading your, your, your wardrobe, so.
Speaker 1:So I want to talk about so one one last easy thing in this toolkit is grooming. Yeah, right, so you could be, you could, you could have all the money. You could be buying those thousand dollar, thousands of dollars, suits, and if you're not groomed well and not looking good, it's just. It's just, and we've seen, I've I mean, I've seen guys like this. It's just not going to matter at all.
Speaker 2:So talk to us about grooming. Okay, so okay. One of the most important principles that most guys don't understand is that women, from a tactile and an olfactory sense, are far more sensitive than men. So the way that you're, the way that you smell, a woman will be highly sensitive to. We're talking about pheromones, but we're also talking about you. Know, did you wash yourself well and put on the right amount of deodorant so that you smell good? Because when a woman is attracted to a man and she wants to get close, it's not just about the loins, it's not just about the sexual part, it's a total body experience. Smelling you is part of that. Same thing with you know.
Speaker 2:Whatever your facial hair situation is, make it look intentional, make it look like you put effort into it. Don't be a sloppy version of it. You can have a beard, you can have a clean shaven, you can have a goatee, you can do whatever feels right to you, but make it look like you put effort into it and that you are one of the best examples of that style. Another one is men's skin. Guys, most of us are like I don't moisturize, I'm not going to put anything on it, at the very least, before you go on a date, put some lotion on your hands At the very least, because the last thing you want is to find that your cracked, dry skin is catching on her silky top as you lead her through the door. She doesn't want her shirt that cost her $130 to get messed up by your rough, calloused hands. She does not want that. She wants to feel your strong hands on her appropriately, but she doesn't want to feel that she's getting cut up, nicked up and all of the things that she's put into herself are being damaged because your hands are on her. That's the opposite effect. You want her, when you touch her, for her to go oh wow, I want that touch again. That's the effect that you want to have. So lotion on your hands, an absolute must when you go on a date to make sure that it doesn't catch on anything. And when you do touch hands with her, your hands feel soft Again.
Speaker 2:I believe the statistic I read a while back was women's sense of touch through skin, I believe, was something like 10 times more sensitive than with men. This goes into the whole bedroom scene and sex and all of that. There's tons and tons to be said on another episode, but realize that her sense of touch is going to be very, very sensitive. You don't want dry skin on your body. Moisturize that stuff. Okay.
Speaker 2:And last one along this, because I have heard so many women say it to me and most of them will not say it to their dudes. They're like do something about your feet. They do not want some dude who's got like weird toenails cracked and going all over the place coming back to dry skin. She doesn't want to snuggle up to somebody that feels like a Brillo pad, like she just doesn't. Steel wool isn't sexy in bed, so do something about that shit.
Speaker 2:I remember the first time and this was tough for me I went and got a pedicure and it wasn't because someone was like Dallas, your feet are nasty, I was just new. I was like, well, I want to try this and see what it's like. Okay, first of all, guys, surprisingly enjoyable. It really is surprisingly enjoyable. I will second that, yeah. Second thing is you will feel way out of place and you will have a whole bunch of women turning their heads to stare at you while you're in there. Just push through it, man, get through it and let them do that work or have fun with it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, have fun with it.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Get some dates out of it.
Speaker 1:Have fun with it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, have fun with it. Yeah, get some dates out of it. Exactly, yeah, I now know. I now think that when I go into the to the, you know, to get the pedicure, that women are looking at me and they're like, oh, I was getting this from my husband, but I kind of wish maybe I was talking to this guy instead.
Speaker 2:Don't. So there's a stigma and again, listening to what women say, a lot of men are like, no, I can't do that, that's feminine, that's weak or whatever. Guys, it's not. One of my interesting fun facts that I learned about this was when you look at the military.
Speaker 2:The military has a very strict dress code and a very strict grooming code. That is part of the culture. Grooming code that is part of the culture. People don't go into the military and just kind of look however they want. They don't look disheveled, not in what they wear and not in how they groom themselves. The military has a very strict dress code. It is masculine to take care of your body and put your house in order. Physically, it is incredibly masculine. Look to the military. You can go back in history. I forgot. There was this one group. I think it was in the time of antiquity. They were, I think, called the well-groomed warriors, something like that, and they found excavations of grooming kits with these soldiers that were for their nails and for know for their hair and they would literally grooming themselves. And this was, and I believe there are written accounts of how attractive these men were that were about to like come in and kick your butt, you know, in combat there is no, there is no correlation between being unkempt and being masculine. It is.
Speaker 1:Actually I would say over history it would be the opposite. That well-groomed kind of that cosmopolitan gentleman is more reflective of a masculine nature.
Speaker 2:It just seems in our current society that it shows effort when you are well-groomed and well-dressed. It shows effort, and nothing is moreed and well-dressed. It shows effort, and nothing is more masculine than putting in effort. It's that simple. Well, and let's talk about the mentality around.
Speaker 1:Well, first, actually, I want to add one, uh one one thing. I'm glad you went to the feet thing, because I have kind of a foot thing with, with women, so I like I always want mine to to to look nice too.
Speaker 1:Lead by example man man Lead by example, and that's a refinement, and actually that's going to take me into us talking about footwear next, because I think that's another easy one. But I wanted to add that everything that you just said is inexpensive Moisturizer, nail clippers that's not perfume, right, you can go to to, to Ross or TJ Maxx. You get it discount. You don't have to go to the. You don't have to go to the the store and buy it for $200 a bottle. You can go get something for 20, 30, $50. If you want to spend a lot, that's this kind of same as the clothes that'll last you for an entire year.
Speaker 1:It'll last you for an entire year and you're going to smell tremendous as well. And then the other thing is pay for a haircut and beard grooming. Pay for it because you're not going to get away with being cheap on this one, unfortunately, and if you do, it's going to look like crap. So that's one where I don't think there is a hack or a shortcut, unless you're bald, or you want to be bald and you're just going to shave it and you're going to just shave all the time. That would be the only way, but maybe that's what you want to do and you want to change your persona because you want to be the bald guy.
Speaker 2:And when it comes to cost of hair and styling, let's put it in perspective. Okay, men, you're spending $50, $75 on a haircut, you know, maybe more if you're going somewhere. Really great. Women are spending two, three times that much easy on their hair when they're coming to the table and and their expectations. Guys, we can have the salt and pepper. We can. We can, you know, go gray and not have to worry about it. Women, it's a lot harder for them to do that. It's a lot harder for them to own it. So when they start getting into coloring and all of that, then they have to maintain it. Guys, don't complain about the cost of this, because the woman that you're going on a date with has spent way more money on all the aspects of her physical appearance than you probably ever will. So put it in perspective.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's going to make. It's going to make a difference. When you are well coiffed, you just look better and expect, expect to spend 40 or $50 on a haircut. A good barber or a stylist is going to charge that much, but it's going to be well worth it. And then just put yourself on a regular routine of hey, I'm going to do it every three or four weeks.
Speaker 1:I just schedule before I leave, because that way you don't get out of hand. And then look, we're dads, we're busy, we've got stuff going on. You schedule out in advance. I schedule mine two or three months in advance so that I just know that's going to be. I'm going to schedule it in. And then I schedule mine two or three, three months in advance, so that I just know I, that's going to be. I'm going to schedule it in, and then I'm not ever going to be frustrated. I'm not ever going to look like a schlub. I'm going to be looking, looking decent, and and and. So just do that, spend the money, schedule it out and and get it done, yeah, so.
Speaker 2:I mean, you know budget, yeah, yeah, it's basically it's like I'm spending 50 a month on a haircut. You know, I I also go, I believe it's. Yeah, once a month I go and get a haircut. I used to gauge how much I need a haircut by how shaggy and how far over my ears the hair would come and then I'd start doing that tuck it behind the ear thing you know, oh, it's long enough now and I can tuck it back and nobody's going to notice it there for another couple inches.
Speaker 2:I mean, what? Who like how much money am I really saving here? You know by by by by by avoiding the haircut, but a lot of times, like you said, it was actually more of a logistical thing. Is I didn't want to call up, make the appointment and all of that. It's on autopay. At this point it's on the calendar. The payment comes out and I go and do it and I love it because it maintains a certain baseline. I know this is slightly off topic, but I'm just going to throw this in in the same category.
Speaker 1:Cleaning.
Speaker 2:Ladies, guys, I know, this is not, grooming on your body, but it's basically grooming your environment. Go ahead and work towards unless you love cleaning and I don't know anybody man or woman that loves cleaning Unless you love cleaning get a regular service in the budget scheduled, coming in doing it regularly so that when you do have a date that's coming home you don't have to wonder if the toilet looks nasty, if there's toothpaste all over the sink, if the dishes have been piled up. You don't have to worry about that. You're maintaining a certain baseline of cleanliness. Grooming essentially is cleanliness and grooming essentially is cleanliness. And let me dive one level deeper here on the grooming.
Speaker 2:So one of the absolute fundamental building blocks of a woman's engagement with a man is how safe does she feel with that man? She is more sensitive in her skin and all kinds of things like that that we already covered. Another area that she is more sensitive in her skin and all kinds of things like that that we already covered. Another area that she is also more sensitive in is her body is more susceptible to disease than a man's body. So women are far more skeevy than men are if things are not clean, if, if things are not well groomed, she's gonna like what's maybe growing down there. You know, if you like, if you like a woman going down on you, groom yourself and make it clear that everything is clean and neat and tidy. If you look at any GQ magazine, you know. If you look at, you know interior design, all of it is sanitary, it is clean, it is. It's the sort of environment where a woman walks into and says, oh, I want to take off my clothes because I'm comfortable here. Nothing's going to happen to me If she comes into your place or she starts getting involved with your body and she's wondering well, I don't know if I might catch something, because I don't know how much she washes, or I don't know what else has been on this couch or when was the last time these sheets were changed. That's a turnoff.
Speaker 2:Women have a higher level of sensitivity than men do and it comes from a need to be safe Women's bodies. They can pick up all kinds of weird stuff UTI, they're, you know, utis, you know all you know. Yeast infections, like all that stuff for them is something they deal with on a daily basis. We never even think about this as a guys Like I don't wonder if I'm going to get, if I'm going to pick something up and it's going to be weird. Women live with this every single day. Your grooming is step one in them feeling safe, exposing their bodies to you Yep.
Speaker 1:I agree 100%, and I would just maybe reframe that, as you're projecting a level of health and vitality, right, that she's going to feel comfortable with and she's going to feel safe with, and then she's going to be more, she's going to be incredibly drawn to you, right, she's going to be like a magnet to you. So, so, not only are you showing effort, not only are you showing capability, you're showing health, you're showing vitality, all masculine traits that feminine women are very, very attracted to. Yeah, so, absolutely All right, let's talk about. I wasn't going to talk about, but I'm a shoe guy, I like shoes, so I was going to purposely leave it out because I'm thinking all right, just because it's my fetish doesn't mean that we should. But it is a very easy, inexpensive way.
Speaker 1:You talked about accessories, right, I would put shoes into, into the accessory category, right? I like jewelry, I like chains and bracelets and I've got mine on and rings and stuff like that, but not everybody does. Shoes are a very inexpensive, easy way to compliment. Inexpensive, easy way to compliment. Highlight peacocking. Maybe we can talk about this also in the context of peacocking and what that is and why that's important too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so let's talk about peacocking first, actually, okay, so for those who aren't familiar with the term, peacocking was I don't know that it was coined by the pickup artist community, but it definitely became popularized by the pickup artist community. Peacocking is wearing something that is highly recognizable, like a big feather boa around your neck, some crazy top hat, some wild jacket with sequins. These would be extreme forms of peacocking. What peacocking does, too, is two main things come to mind. The first one is it draws attention to you, so you don't blend in with the pavement. You stand out. Women and men notice you. That's the first thing. The second thing, which is more subtle, that a lot of people don't notice, is that peacocking gives people something to talk about and engage with you about. Like dude, that is an awesome jacket. I've never seen so many flippant sequins in one place at one time, or whatever it is.
Speaker 2:And peacocking also shows a certain level of confidence, because you're able to wear bold colors, you're able to wear things that are outside the norm. It's also a demonstration of confidence. There's a dark side to that. Where you're trying too hard and you're just attention seeking, it gets more complicated. But to dial it back down to a sense of just good style when you're dressed well. That gives a woman something to compliment you on. It gives her a reason to talk to you. I've been out several times and when I wear a sports coat, a woman all she has to say is I love the jacket, because there are no other dudes wearing a jacket. It becomes a conversation piece and it's something easy for her to step into.
Speaker 2:If you're wearing nice pair of shoes and it shows and they're like, well polished, and that's one of the things is maintaining these things and make sure they look good, you're, you're again you're. You're giving the woman material. You know, on our side as a guy, we usually think, well, I want to approach this woman, what do I talk about? What do I do? We can go into that another time. There's definitely very basic things you can do to make that happen.
Speaker 2:Women have the same struggle. Women don't know necessarily how to engage with a man, either out of the blue that they're attracted to, or talking with him and he seems nice and you've sort of covered that conversation. Looking sharp is a way for her to be able to genuinely engage with you in a way that she one that a lot of women are sensitive to, and two in a way that feels genuine to her and she can give something back Again. I don't know if you can call it peacocking at that point, but dressing really well and looking sharp is a mild like, dialed in well-adjusted form of peacocking, I'd say.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it doesn't have to be a feather boa like Dennis Rodman style or anything crazy, it can be a velvet jacket. I used to have a velvet jacket Like I loved that jacket before I lost too much weight and it hung on me right, but it was all. I can't tell you, dale the number of times a woman would stroke it. It was like that's so soft and then inevitably through the night they'd want their arms around me or me close to them or whatever. I mean, that's just a real simple, easy way to do what you're describing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and women a lot of times need an excuse to be handsy. You know, I'm not touching you, dude, I'm touching your jacket.
Speaker 1:No, no, no, no, I have an out here.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, I'm not. I'm not that kind of woman. But this jacket I just have to keep admiring it. I have, I have a microfiber shirt that every time I wear it, I have that experience. Somebody touches it and they're like, oh, and they're like, oh, my gosh, and they have to touch it a whole bunch more. Guys go ahead and wear things that women like tactilely. I bought this last spring a suede jacket from Banana Republic the most beautiful suede jacket I've ever seen and when I touch it it just blows my mind. I can't imagine how soft it is. Now, imagine what that feels like to a woman whose sense of touch is multiple times more sensitive than yours. And you wear that jacket. You became sort of the softest animal at the zoo that every woman wants to put their hands on and keep petting Guys. It's making it easy for her to open up. It's making it easy for her to get comfortable with you physically. Do we need to spell out where this is going? I think it's clear.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, exactly. Banana Republic is one of my favorite brands. You can find those in the thrift stores a ton and it's great or you can find them used online. Another place I failed to mention was online eBay you can find. The challenges is finding stuff You've got to know exactly the fit, et cetera but stuff like jackets and stuff like that. I've got actually two leather Banana Republic jackets too, and they're just beautiful. I love them. I've had them for years.
Speaker 1:But commenting also on the shoes and finding shoes, there again, it does not have to be expensive. Shoes can be very expensive and a high quality pair of shoes will last you much longer. It is. It is truly one of those. You get what you pay for.
Speaker 1:That's not always the way in fashion, especially with, I would say, shirts and pants and jeans and other stuff, but shoes really really are. They're well-made, they're going to last you for years and years and if you maintain those. So, guys, that's another Dallas alluded to it. But when you buy a nice car, you got to maintain it for it to look nice. You got to do the same thing with your clothes. You got to wash them the right way, you got to press them or take them to a dry cleaner to get them done. You got to take care of your shoes. It's an investment, so there is some effort, but again, that goes back to it shows that you have your effort, you have the capabilities to do that. These are all subconscious things, guys, that we're talking about here, that are happening, that you are making a huge impact and change from the outside in here and it will make a huge difference so that the shoes you can shop sales at department stores.
Speaker 1:I think I literally I picked up some chelsea boots for like 20 bucks about six months ago. I bought two pair, like I bought one in two different colors, right, so because it was, because it was a sale and it you know, they do this stuff off the app. If you buy it off the app, it's 50% off or whatever. I'm like hell, yeah, I love this.
Speaker 1:So you and if you're, if it's on your radar, guys, you can start watching for this, like I just I was just on I I just got an email from Macy's, because I like get their their emails and stuff, and so you can kind of passively pay attention to this stuff. Just make it part of your repertoire to to pay attention and and and start to to refine this. So, so, dad's dating and divorce, I want to put, I want to put out a challenge here now Dallas for for the dad's listening on this, because that's Dallas for the dads listening on this, because I think it's so important, and we call it the first date audit. So you're getting ready to, you know, your first date audit. Guys, I want you to go into your closet and pull together what you would wear on a first date tonight, Okay, and you're going to lay that out on your bed night. Okay, and you're going to lay that out on your bed the pants, the shirt, the shoes maybe, maybe jacket depending on what you and the socks the
Speaker 1:pants, if you're dressing up at all and the belts, the shoes, right, yep? And then I want you to look at it objectively, maybe even put it on and get in front of that full length mirror, like like Dale says. And I want you, I want you to ask yourself do you feel confident or do I look confident? Do I feel confident, does it fit, is it clean, is it wrinkle free? And I want you to be honest with yourself. And if you're not being honest to yourself, go get your kids and then ask them this question Do I look good in this right? Does it fit me, is it clean, is it wrinkle-free? And then they're going to give you the honest truth Okay, so do that.
Speaker 1:And if the answer is no, dude, can I add to?
Speaker 2:that, yeah, and just this one thing. These are not yes or no questions. Give yourself either a one to five or a one to ten. Rating how clean is this. How well does it fit? It's not just a yes or no. And ask your kids also give me a score from one to ten, because they're going to say, yeah, it looks fine, and they mean it's four out of ten. No, no, no, no, no. Make it get one to 10 ratings, please continue. I like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, no, no, that's an even better way to do it, for sure. So, yeah, so do that, and then so, depending on where you're at on that scale, or if any of the answers are no, I don't feel confident. Your first mission is this it is to go out and build one single first date outfit that makes you feel like a million bucks Just one. Go out, do everything that we just described in this podcast and from the clothing perspective, and build that, just that first one, and then start from there. Yep, cool.
Speaker 2:That's awesome advice.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yep, yep. So it's our, it's our, our challenge, hey, and give us feedback, send us, send us an email at jude, at the divorced advocatecom. Or wait, our, our, actually our show's email is dad's dating at divorce date, dad's dating after divorceatgmailcom. So send it to that one. You can send it to the other one too, that's my other one, but dadsdatingafterdivorceatgmailcom, let us know. Send us pictures I mean we'll put your pictures up, guys, of your newest first date outfit, up on Instagram, up on Facebook, like wherever you want. Maybe you'll get a date, I mean, maybe you'll find your next romantic partner. So send it. We want to hear this, we want to hear this feedback from you guys. So, just, guys, remember the journey. It starts with you. This is a time for something that you can control. You're rebuilding yourself with confidence from the outside in, like we, like we said. So take control of that first impression. That right outfit doesn't get you the relationship, but it opens the door so you can walk through it and you can start the process.
Speaker 2:So, dallas, wrap us up. Yeah, I mean just to echo what you're saying. If you're trying to put together a first date good looking outfit because you don't have one, it's going to feel really, really hard because the first time you do anything it's going to feel really hard. Stick through it, push through it and get there. It'll be easier when you go and get that second outfit, that third outfit. It'll get easier over time and it won't get you the relationship, but it will give you more options.
Speaker 2:Women are attracted to men who make the effort, and effort is work, guys. So when you make the effort, you make the work and you do the work and you you show up looking better, you're going to have more options with women. There's no question about it. And to your point, jude, again, this is not just for dating. This is going to impact your professional life, this is going to impact your identity with yourself and probably even the most important, you're setting an example and a tone for your kids on what a self-respecting dad looks like, what he feels like, what it's like to be in there, and when you invite them to give you your feedback, you're also showing them what it's. You're modeling vulnerability. You're modeling the fact that you want input and feedback from other people. You don't have all the answers. You're always learning. That's also part of what you want to be modeling. Yep, perfect, absolutely All right, also part of what you want to be modeling.
Speaker 1:Yep, perfect, absolutely All right. Dallas, where can the dads listening get in touch with you to talk more about this or anything else about dating and relationships?
Speaker 2:Blackboxdatingcom. Drop onto the website. You can see all my social media channels. You can jump on the coaching program that I'm doing every week with guys here in the Denver area and around the world and, yeah, that's where you want to find me. Jude, same question to you how do guys know more about what you do?
Speaker 1:Yep, Gentlemen, check out thedivorcedadvocatecom. We actually do have a couple of podcast episodes where I brought a stylist in to talk about some of this stuff from the environments like you talked about and how to create that as well as also how to do your personal grooming, et cetera. So we've got a couple of episodes on the Divorced Advocate podcast on that, but it's also something that we talk about in the community a little bit as well. So we've got all kinds of resources for you there. Divorced Dads or Divorcing Dads, or Contemplating Divorced Dads at Thedivorcedadvocatecom Anywhere you're at in this divorce thought process. It's a crazy world.
Speaker 2:It's a crazy environment.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, whatever, wherever you're at on the battlefield, my friends, come to thedivorcedadvocatecom. All right, dallas, hey, have a great week. And, gentlemen, if you found value in this, please share it far and wide, give us a star rating, even give us a comment that helps more guys tune in. We're getting some great feedback. Look for us on Instagram, on Facebook, share it there. We're on Twitter X now as well, and so let's put this out there everywhere.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. Thank you so much, jude, always a pleasure.
