36 - Porn-Induced ED: The Elephant in the Room for Divorced Dads

Is your scrolling stealing your spark? We take a hard, honest look at how porn and compulsive release drain confidence, flatten energy, and quietly sabotage your dating life as a divorced dad. Without shaming or moralizing, we walk through the real mechanics—why dopamine spikes from endless novelty skew arousal, how tolerance builds into porn-induced ED, and what hypofrontality means for your willpower when the dating road gets bumpy.

From there, we get practical. We break down prolactin’s role in that post-release crash, the difference between release and vitality, and why your vibe feels passive when you need presence most. We share a simple 30-day reset to clear the fog, rebuild executive control, and trade quick hits for earned wins—conversations, workouts, and micro-challenges that put discipline back in the driver’s seat. This isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being in control.

We also reframe sexual energy as precious capital. When you treat your desire like a resource to invest—rather than a leak to plug—women feel it. Respect rises, eye contact steadies, and you show up as the man on a mission rather than a man seeking a fix. You’ll hear candid stories of abstinence, relapse with intention, and how restraint signals strength in ways that spark attraction. Along the way we explore “fast sex” versus real sex, comfort culture, and why community matters when you’re rewiring habits in a world engineered for distraction.

If you’re tired of the comfort trap and ready to reclaim presence, discipline, and masculine momentum, this conversation hands you a blueprint you can start today. Subscribe, share this with a dad who needs it, and leave a review with one change you’re making this week. Your edge is earned—let’s build it together.

Transcript

Setting The Stage: Why This Matters

SPEAKER_01 0:20

Hello, and welcome to Dad's Dating After Divorce, the only podcast that dares to ask is your thumb getting more action than your actual dating life? My name is Jude Sandval. I am the founder of the Divorce David Kit, and my co-host is the incomparable Dallas Bluth of Black Box Dating. Dallas, Dallas, so you know, my my my intro always now has uh has a lead-in. It's the foreshadowing thing I learned, I think, sophomore year in in English lit class. But today we're gonna be breaking down porn and masturbation, talking a little bit about how it can sabotage your dad vibe and kill your confidence. So we're gonna go through some of the data, the post-nut reality checks, and and a roadmap for for dads getting their edge back. So let's do it.

SPEAKER_00 1:19

Let's do it. Yeah, this is such a potent topic. Porn, masturbation, all of that is in it's incredibly potent, and it's not something that that really gets talked about nearly as much as as as its importance deserves.

Loneliness, Comfort Traps, And Dating Energy

SPEAKER_01 1:32

I I I agree with that 100%. And as commonplace as it has become, and as I don't want to say socially acceptable, but it's socially acceptable. I guess socially acceptable is is I guess you could say it. It's be it at least become less taboo. I don't want to say that it's become socially acceptable, but as as much as it is has, and as much as it's been out there, having these conversations has not has not kept up with that, which is why you and I said, okay, you know, we need to we need to talk about this because in general it has impact, but specifically for divorced dads. And so laying the groundwork, most divorced dads post-divorce, once the once every the dust settles, and you're on that that parenting time schedule, and you don't have the kids, is when that loneliness really starts to hit the empty house. And then you're thinking about dating, but as we both know, and everybody listening, it's a whole different ball game out there now that that's uh you're however many years past your your the beginning of your dating life. And so what happens is it's this this is kind of a comfort trap, right? The the the it becomes a very low effort way to satisfy something that is more complex and and will and will and does, as we talk about every week, take a lot more work in creating real intimacy and and dating. And so what I'd like to start talking about is just this this idea of the fact that it might feel like a like quote unquote harmless release, right? But in actuality, it's it's an energetic drain that that can impact, can impact. It can be an energetic drain. And let me just say that it can, right? Like we're not saying definitively on all of this stuff, like it's like anything else that you're you're utilizing or you're doing in your life. If it becomes, if it's in excess, then it becomes something that can be this. So I just want to preface it with that, that we're not shaming, that we're not, you know, we're not saying anything about you that's bad or anybody that's you know doing or using. Okay, we're not passing judgment. We're just talking about this in the context of how it's impacting you as a dad post-divorce in your in your dating life. So, so it will ex it it can and and will, uh, depending on how you how you're using or or what you're doing, impact your your vibe when you're sitting across from a woman on on a Saturday night. So let's you know, let's just lead in with that, that there are that there are implications around it.

SPEAKER_00 4:32

Absolutely. So I put I put pornography in the same bucket as alcohol, drugs, video games, and there's probably some other items. But it's it's a very potent thing and it's very easy to get sucked into. They're not none of them are inherently bad or evil or wrong, in my opinion. Uh, to your uh just to repeat what you said, this isn't a moral issue, but the way you go about using it can significantly shift your energy. If I'm drinking alcohol constantly because it's simply part of my life, that is going to shift and drain my energy. When I go on a date with a woman, she's gonna feel it. Same thing. If I'm smoking, if I'm smoking weed all the time and I just have to do that to kind of regulate myself, my energy on the date is gonna do the same thing. If I'm playing six, eight hours of video games during the day, she's going to feel that as well. Pornography, exact same thing, except that I would add to the add to the energy shift, the fact that this is a woman, this is a romantic engagement, and the pornography is directly related to that part of my system.

SPEAKER_02 5:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:36

So, so I don't think there's anything wrong with drinking a little alcohol. I don't think there's anything wrong with smoking a little weed. I don't think there's anything wrong with playing a little of video games. I I think they all have their place in a recreational way. I don't think there's anything wrong with watching a little porn. I think they all have their recreational place. The question is, is it something that you are dependent on and you need, or is it something that you are using with discretion and you're in control of it and not the other way around? It doesn't have control over you. Right.

Dopamine Floods And Brain Rewiring

SPEAKER_01 6:08

I like the the the phrase, are you are you scrolling or are you strolling, right? Like if it's gonna keep you from if you find yourself that you're you're scrolling this stuff and stu in in and it's and it's a substitute for strolling, which is out there like talking and meeting women and you know cultivating relationships, and not and maybe just not even in personal relationships, or not just romantic relationships, but relationships in general, then you gotta pay it, you gotta pay attention because there's a there's a there's a so let's talk about the the science behind this this first. And and there's hard science now that we've that we've that we understand. And the first is that it is it is dopamine flooding. So so just like some of the other things you describe, particularly video games on those, on those other things, porn triggers dopamine spikes, and it does it at a rate much higher than other things in in life. So some of those things, other things you you described, yes, that that that does it, but but porn does it at, and they say a rate of 250% or more, higher than natural sex. Okay, so so this causes a problem because number one, your brain does not differentiate between the fake sex with with with porn and and and real and real sex, right? So that number one should concern you guys.

SPEAKER_00 7:42

Yeah. Yeah, your brain, your brain doesn't differentiate it, but your body will know the difference, or I should say your body will experience the the effects of it very differently. When when you're watching porn, there is no connection. So all you're getting is that super hard dopamine hit.

SPEAKER_02 7:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:59

When you're having sex with a woman, there are a lot of other chemicals that are also taking place. Oxytocin is there, the connection, which I I don't remember all the studies on this. I'm not an expert on the physiology and and all the hormones, but I do know that the the oxytocin that that accompanies sexual contact with a person helps to helps to regulate that dopamine and bring it and bring it into a it helps the body synthesize it in a healthier, more balanced way. Yeah. Also, also the other thing is there's there's healthy dopamine and there's unhealthy dopamine. Healthy dope dopamine is is necessary for our survival. It's a necessary part of our system. But dopamine is healthiest when it comes at the result at after we have made an effort to do something. Once you've worked for something, you've broken through, and then you get that dopamine hit, that's that's well earned and it feels good and it's balanced in your body. There is nothing we are working through when we're scrolling online to find porn to look at. There, there's no challenge whatsoever. When you remove that challenge and you're just taking the quick hit of the dopamine, that's like eating a donut and thinking it's food. It's not. It's just a treat and it's just uh, you know, hitting those dopamine levels. That's all that it's doing. When we're dating with live people and also just you know non non-romantic social interactions, we have to make the effort. We have to work through conflict, we have to be able to communicate, we have to put get out of our pajamas and take a shower in order to go and and connect. All of those things help to regulate the dopamine in ways that watching porn simply doesn't.

SPEAKER_01 9:38

Right. And the other thing that this does when you when you are doing the scrolling is it desensitizes you. And that becomes then and and why that is a problem then is that gets that gets hardwired in into your physiology, into your into your brain, right? So your so then your arousal arousal templates, if if you will, then get skewed, right? So then that rewires your your idea of what's attractive to be different than what you're finding in real life. And then you become then you start doing this this comparison thing. And and literally, and literally, guys, if if you have not read about this, the neural pathways in your brain get rewired. And so that what I'm saying is that arousal temple template that you create gets changed in your brain to go through a different path, and then that disrupts your your ability then to do what what Dallas was talking about, which is to regulate yourself in a normal and healthy way, which is you, you, you go out, you talk to somebody, there's a risk reward that goes, there's an effort, like there's all this stuff, and then and then you you get that. That's part of the problem that we're having with our with our kiddos these days on screens and social media, that they're finding that their brains are literally getting rewired and they're getting stunted because of these quick hit dopamines, these quick dopamine hits that they're getting through social media and whatnot. So it's the same concept that you might be talking to your kids about or that you're experiencing with your kids and they're taking their phones away in schools, et cetera, now. So it has a problem, it's serious, it has serious implications.

Tolerance, PIED, And Hypofrontality

SPEAKER_00 11:27

Huge. Yeah, yeah, you're you're you build up a resistance and tolerance for the stimulate for the stimulation when you do it often. It's very similar to alcohol. If I if I drink every day, I have to drink more to be able to get the effects of the alcohol to hit me. Same thing with the porn. You know, first time you watch porn, wow, you know, like it's super potent. But if you do it every day for weeks, you know, that that alone is going to make it so that you are desensitized and you have to dig deeper. And to your point, that rewires your brain and reprograms you, and it is hard, hard work to re to to rewire your brain back the other way. It it's it's like getting seriously overweight and then going after the gym to work it off. It you have to be at that deficit, you know, that whole time. It is it is a mean price to pay.

SPEAKER_01 12:17

Yeah, and there's something called porn-induced erectile dysfunction. So it's an and this is a real thing, guys, that that it gets to the point where you can't get it up anymore because you have desensitized yourself and and created those new neural pathways that are leading to the your inability then to actually have in intercourse in in in real life. And so this is a this is a this is a real problem, guys.

SPEAKER_00 12:46

Which is such a paradox because most of the ads around porn have to do with erectile dysfunction. So it's like they're create, they're they're creating the problem that they are then selling ads for a solution for. It's it's yeah, it's it's really a sick, a sick little sick little twisted circle they've got there.

SPEAKER_01 13:03

Yeah, and and again, so we I I I do want to scare you a little bit about it. I think it's uh important to to have a healthy fear of anything like alcohol or drugs or anything else that you're gonna start using. I don't think that we talk about this enough and and and the use of it enough in our society that that's that there is a healthy uh a healthy uh fear and understanding of of what it means to use it. There's another thing, so this I didn't know until I was researching for this episode, Dallas, is there's something called hypofrontality. And this was just some research that came out last year, and what that is that they're finding is that it's the shrinking or weakening of the prefrontal cortex through through the use, yeah, through the use. And so what it what it does is, and and so if you don't know, guys, the the prefrontal cortex that that that governs the your willpower and decision making. And so what happens is the chronic use erodes your ability to uh to stay the course when dating gets tough or when you know when the relationship, which inevitably is going to have uh challenges and bumps, your prefrontal cortex has decreased and your ability to handle that has decreased, and then it makes it harder, if not impossible, for you to do, and then you can imagine the the challenges that you have. So it actually goes one step, even one step further. If you can, if you can avoid the the you know, if you can the the they call it pie, p-i-ed, porn-induced erectile dysfunction. If you can uh if you can uh avoid being being pied, if you can avoid being pied, then then you still have potential of this you know shrinking of your prefrontal cortex that is going to cause problems in the relationship as as well. I know, wow. Like I wasn't when we were talking about doing this last night, I was like, okay, yeah, this will be a good topic, and you know, we can have a few jokes in this, and then I'm like, oh shit, I'm looking at this, some of this research in this, and I'm like, this is a little bit more serious than than probably we're thinking about, but it it it is so I I come from a uh from a programming and web development background.

SPEAKER_00 15:16

I'm not sure what the current statistics are, but not too long ago, the statistics I was seeing was anywhere between 40 to 60 percent of all web traffic is pornography.

SPEAKER_01 15:26

Wow. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 15:27

All web traffic. I I don't know if we realize how much that is, and again, the these numbers these numbers might be a little out of date. I the streaming has gone up in different areas, so it it may have changed a bit. But the idea that we have so much content that nobody shares, no one talks about, you know, this is this is like a herd of elephants in the room, taking up half the room. It it it this this is a this is something that is way more present than anybody gives uh gives acknowledgement to. And it's it's really a struggle.

Prolactin, Passivity, And Lost Vitality

SPEAKER_01 16:01

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So so that's the that's the scientific background. So this is this is the stuff that's happening to you physiologically when when when you're you're utilizing this. Okay. So let's talk now about the energy like what we talked about in the beginning, the energy the energetic drain or the or or kind of the the the vibe and the physical impact of of of uh you know doing using this excessively. The first is there's something called a prolactin spike. There's a refract uh refractory, refractory period after you release, which suppresses punctuation period, or was that okay refractory? E R E F R A C T O R Y, refractory refractory porties. And this is when the body releases prolactin, which suppresses dopamine and testosterone, okay? Testosterone. So this is the biological off switch. And so what happens is if you're if you're doing this regularly or excessively, then essentially what you're what you're what you're doing is you're creating a a chronic state of passivity, right? Because it becomes, you know, because then the you know that switches on. Again, so I guess there is a little bit of science. I mean, this the the vibe part of it, there is science behind it, but the vibe part is you know, your body floods this, this, this prolactin spike, and then you become passive, which like okay, guys, like that's why guys are usually like relaxed, fall asleep after sex and and and whatnot. That's that's the whole mindset around it. But what you're doing is that you're self-inducing this and then creating a you know, creating a constant state of satisfied passivity. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:01

And and again, there's a very important piece missing. You know, your your whole system shuts down, you you go into relaxed, chilled, fall asleep mode. It's very different if you're by yourself versus laying next to a woman that you just had sex with. Right. There's a there's a huge connection piece that's that that's going to change. You know, there is no pillow talk with the screen after you watch porn and you ejaculate. Like there's no sharing moment. But, you know, I mean, pillow talk is a thing, and men open up and share in different kinds of ways that they do with with a woman, you know, post-ejaculation that they never do. Like these are all parts that that really round out the experience and make it and help integrate it to make it a balanced cocktail of of your experience, you know, and that and that pillow talk. Well, that stuff that comes out when the testosterone, you know, shifts down and it and we don't have to be hard charging, we don't have to prove anything, we don't have to be showing super strong leadership skills. And women like that, they get to see our more vulnerable side. We get none of that when we're doing it by ourselves with porn. Like that's completely removed. We weren't our bodies weren't designed to do it this way. They simply weren't.

SPEAKER_01 19:15

Right. And then and then we lose that hunt energy, right? If we're in this constant state of satisfied passivity, then we're not we're just we're not gonna be strolling, right? We're not gonna be out there, we're not gonna be taking making the efforts to to to go out, initiate cold approach or or or whatever else. And so that's that kind of loss of of your your vibe, if you if you will.

SPEAKER_00 19:43

Yeah, you're gonna you're gonna you're gonna lose your vitality as a man. You're going to lose, you know, the the masculine trait. Testosterone is the masculine hormone. And and with with decreasing amounts of that, you're you're just going to dig the hole deeper because you're going to be less attractive to women. But even more important than that, you're going to be less attractive to yourself.

SPEAKER_01 20:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:05

Pretty much no guy after watching porney ejaculates goes, yeah, I feel like a man. I won. No, no guy feels like that because we all know it's it's it's bullshit. You know, we all know that this is this is a fantasy place. And you know, these are all shortcuts that didn't actually do anything.

SPEAKER_01 20:24

Yeah. So you said a word, vitality. And I think that is an important word because what we're comparing here is a difference between uh sexual vitality and sexual release. Okay, what you're doing by using is just a sexual release, but you're you're not creating sexual vitality, which is what you want to be creating long term in in not only your life, but in being able to attract and retain somebody in a romantic relationship.

SPEAKER_00 20:58

Yeah, I completely agree. And and release is something that all men need. The question is, is that release being received by someone, by a woman, in a way that it's actually it's it's promoting and growing the connection and the relationship with each other? Or is that release really actually just waste that is that it's and a lot of times when you're watching porn, it's not so much that you need a release, it's that you're attached to the pleasure. Those are two very different experiences. All men experience, you know, that the drip, the drops in the bucket, it builds up, you know, you need the release sexually. Pretty much all men experience that. But a lot of times when we're watching porn, it's not because it's not because we need that release, because we've been out working, doing other things, and it's just built up. It's that we're it's that we're we're reaching for a pleasurable experience that we had before. And we're actually digging deeper when there's no build-up happening inside of us.

Shame Loops, Infinite Supply, And Culture

SPEAKER_01 21:56

Yeah, great, which which leads to the the intro, which is if you find yourself doing this because you're lonely or you're bored, or you're you're or you're or you're trying to repress something else that's that's coming up, another, another feeling. That's that is that is a red flag, as opposed to what Dal said. Like we just know we're designed to have to release, right? That's the just the way that that we were designed as as men. So so you also so that's important. So pay attention to that, guys. This goes back to what we always talk about, which is knowing you know, doing the inner work, understanding yourself, your mental, emotional state, etc. This is also part of that. Uh, I also want to touch on something else. You you talked about, well, like no guy finishes and is like, oh yeah, that was a great conquest or whatever.

SPEAKER_00 22:53

Or whatever. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:54

Yeah. And and and so this is kind of the this is it's kind of a shame loop that that happens. And and what I call it is it it feels it it's post-not clarity that feels like post-nut depression, right? The internal shame radiates outward. And this is gonna this is gonna translate. Women are gonna pick up on this because they can sense uh a lack of presence or like a like a hollow energy in you. And so if you don't have that sexual vitality that we're that we're talking about, and then you know you're you're you're doing this, this is going to impact that. This is another way that it's going to impact your your vibe.

SPEAKER_00 23:41

Yeah. Yeah, you you have to bring energy to the table where you feel good about yourself, you're proud of yourself, you you have enjoyed accomplishments that you had to struggle to get to. If you're if you're caught in a shame loop or a guilt loop, first of all, you're you're kind of focusing most of your attention on yourself when you're doing that. So you're not really radiating a lot of attention towards the woman that she's looking for. Yeah, that that energy is completely different. That said, it's incredibly hard to work your way out of those loops when you get caught into them. You know, the darkness, it's you know, and the technology makes it so easy. We mentioned this when we were talking about it. You know, we talked about childhood experiences. I remember in high school, there was a VHS cassette going around, you know, and that was it. You know, like that that was the totality of the porn available, that in some magazines was like the totality of the and you know, and it's it's kind of hard to overdo it with one VHS cassette, you know, it's kind of hard to overdo it with a stack of magazines that you've seen. But but now that there is literally, you know, a an endless amount of smut online that you can that you can look at and consume and scroll and categorize and filter and save to your computer and obsess over. It's like there there is no exhausting it. I man, I don't know how the younger generation deals with this. And I and I don't think a lot of them are dealing with it very well yet. I don't think we found the solution, but it's you know, it it's sort of like um when cigarettes first came out, you know, we didn't realize all the health effects, you know, Jin Alley, you know, we didn't realize back in the 1600s in England how bad alcohol was. We were giving it to babies, right? You know, we you know, and we're we the internet's coming around, it still isn't that old, you know, like 25, 30 years old, something like that. You know, we're still trying to get a handle on how to deal, you know, with with these, you know, with these amounts. But the fact that it is, you know, so easy to access and basically costs nothing. Yep, it is it is so so easy to slip into one of these downward spirals where we feel guilty, we feel shameful, we feel blah, we've yeah, according to the research that you've found, our prefrontal cortex is shrinking. Like that is, you know, and and and then our and then our dicks aren't working the way we want them to anymore. I mean, this is this is a really, really hard, slippery slope to to go down. And I I for me it I I like to bring it back to really simple principles. When we're watching porn, we're in a very passive role, and the solution to this is the hard opposite, which is you must be proactive. Yeah, and it it just it you you don't get paid up on the front end, you get paid on the back end, it's like going to the gym. Nobody really likes going to the gym. Everybody likes the results and the feeling after going to the gym. Yeah, and trying to deal with porn is just it's just one of those sort of things, right?

Discipline, Mission, And Masculine Frame

SPEAKER_01 26:42

But unfortunately, it's our our society. The the gym thing is a great analogy because right now we've got people just taking drugs to lose weight. So there's absolutely nothing to to to to better their bodies. And well, you shouldn't say that they're they're doing something to better their bodies, but they're it's not a again, it's the the the the dopamine, it's the putting in so there's a there's a saying, what what is hard lasts long, and what lasts long is or wait, no, no, I forgot it. It's I'll remember it. But long enough basically that's all I'm hearing. Yeah, long and basically thanks, Dallas. Yeah. Well, but we you know, essentially what takes time, what is what is meaningful and is lasting is gonna take time, and it's what is not is not gonna take time. So if you're not if you're not putting in the effort to it, then it's it's just not gonna happen. So we see but we see that with with the Ozempic and the the in our in our working out and in with our relationships. You talked about the the younger generation, how they're handling it. They're actually not, they're not it studies are showing that they're not having sex at the same the same rate that other generations were having sex, and they're like, why is this happening? Well, duh, you know, what we're like we we're talking about right now.

unknown 28:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:02

I mean, if I was, you know, if if I was a teenager, you know, entering puberty, and then I'm in my 20s, you know, and and you know, and porn has been around me on my phone this entire time. And I have the choice between trying to make myself attractive and respectable, trying to, you know, can convince a girl that I'm worth some attention and then go through it all. And then the sex is maybe good, maybe not. It's kind of weird. There's all these complex things, there's all this emotional attachment that comes afterwards, you know, and then there's the feelings, and then there's like all this stuff. Or I could just pull out my phone and watch some, you know, and watch some videos. Right. Like, right, like why? Like from from a simplistic level, like why would I ever choose the harder path of trying to engage with a woman? And that's why I mean I don't remember what the statistics are, but I mean it's approaching half of men, I believe, in their mid to you know, in their in their 20s, early to late 20s, are are just not having sex. They're they're just not interested in it altogether. Right. Well, it's because you know, you know, and and and for boys, it it so for for guys, the the challenges online are porn and video games. Those are the challenges. For women, it's social media.

SPEAKER_02 29:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:14

And and and it's like it's like two different tracks, but it kind of it but it it it's about the same level of struggle that we have to do to free ourselves from it. And I I'm gonna come back to what I said at the beginning because I think this is really that this is the bootstrap that we have to hold on to. I I know it was for me. I have to ask myself, am I using this thing or is this thing using me?

SPEAKER_02 29:38

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 29:39

When I'm when I'm caught in one of those loops, when I've got the shame going on, and you know, it could be anything, it could be, you know, donuts, fast food, porn, alcohol, whatever it is. It when I ask myself, has this thing got me by the scruff of the neck and it's pulling me down? You know, or do I have this thing in control and I'm using it the way that I want to? And we can justify that. I mean, that you know, everybody's gotta be gotta be honest with themselves. But for me, that is the basic question that I ask myself with any of these items, and I ask it to myself on a daily basis with all the potentially indulgent experiences a human can have. And the the the word that comes to mind every single time is discipline. Yeah, discipline is the differentiator, and this is one of the the core components of the coaching that I do. All masculinity, every single drop of masculinity that we have in ourselves as men comes from exercising discipline. You do not get discipline any other way. Think about anything that makes you feel like a man, it required you exercising discipline.

SPEAKER_02 30:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:47

So the question is do you want to feel like a man or do you want to allow all of these temptation isn't the good word, but all of these easy pleasures, yeah. Distractions, easy pleasures. If you want all these things that don't take any discipline, that don't take any effort, if you want them to overrun you, you have you're that's the choice you're making. Do you exercise discipline? And you know, the the term I use is forged in discipline. Masculinity is forged in the crucible of discipline.

SPEAKER_02 31:17

Right.

SPEAKER_00 31:17

And I know every time that I choose, I'm like, nope, not gonna, not gonna have that, you know, that Wendy's burger, you know, I'm not gonna, you know, donuts seem to be the thing lately. I'm not gonna pick up that donut on the way home, or nope, I'm not gonna just like, you know, jerk off to watching some porn, because that's not going to forge any any masculinity in me through discipline.

Comfort Crisis, Fast Sex, And Utopia Mice

SPEAKER_01 31:40

Right. And I like I like the word distraction because if we are in our our masculine nature, we're on task, right? We're we are we are we are on task and we have a mission and we're aimed towards that mission. And so if we're if anything is take distracting us from that that mission, then that's what's you know, that then is taking us, you know, taking us away from creating the life that we want to to to create as uh as a masculine man, and then we're then we're off track, right? So if you can think of it that way, guys, but that also takes you really being honest, like you said, Dallas, about okay, well, have I firstly done the work in determining what I'm what am I on mission about? What is my family? Is it my is it you know what is it? Like how are you on mission? And within that mission, what is it, what is it that I want? Do I want a connection with with with a woman or am I going to be using this and then it's going to hijack this, it didn't distract me into objectifying her because my whole my whole system got completely hijacked, and now I can't show up on a date without you know getting distracted by like whatever thoughts or how you know whatever uh it is going through my mind. I can't keep eye contact with her, I can't stay focused, I can't have a conversation, I can't lead the date, all the stuff that that you talk about and and and how to show up, Dallas, because I got high because I got distracted because I've been doing this other thing for so long. It will have uh an impact. And if you get if you actually do get past the the pied and the and all that other stuff, it it creates it will it it actually has been shown that that you will have a lower satisfaction in your in your relationships because of all of those factors that that we talked about, those physiological factors.

SPEAKER_00 33:47

Yeah. And and you're comparing the relationship to a fantasy at that point. Right. You're you're you're comparing it, you know, you're comparing apples and oranges, you know, and only the oranges aren't real. Right. Yeah. Yeah. That that that is yeah, it it it is so difficult in that way. When you were saying staying on mission, the thing that came to mind was, you know, we've all had to make like a 10, 12 hour drive somewhere, like in a day, like a long-term thing. And like if you think about all of the easy choices you can make when you have to do that drive, like, oh, I'm not gonna get up early, uh, you know, and and get packed, I'm not gonna pack the car the night before, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna get up early, and okay, well, we're finally like 9:30, 10 o'clock, we're getting on the road, you know, and then you're on the road, and it's like, well, do you get distracted along the way? You know, do you oh well let's hang out here or let's check down. It's like you're never gonna get where you're trying to go if if that's how you're doing it. You you can't let yourself pull over, take a nap, do this, do that. If you do, it'll turn into a three-day trip. Like it just will. You have to get up and and stay on task and not let yourself get sidetracked.

30-Day Resets And Regaining Control

SPEAKER_01 34:52

Yeah, that's such an old school example, Dallas, because I don't know that people do these long road trips like we used to do when when when we were young, but that's always that's always the the thing. That's like uh National Lampoons Vacation, right? The the dad's always like focused on we gotta take, we gotta get there, we're gonna stop here. It's gonna take us this long to get here, and then we're gonna stop for 30 minutes and have a break, and then we're gonna get going for another, and then we've got to get gas here, and the gas is cheap. Like, that's the that's the dad, that's the masculine mentality, right? And then it is like I remember a road trip when we were younger, like my mom had all these like places to stop on the way. We were doing a spread, like a hellish spring break road trip for a week from Chicago to Florida and back, like awful. And she had like the the the cabbage patch, you know, the place to stop and all these other places. It's like my dad's like, let's get to the beach, right? And my mom's like, let's stop and look at the cabbage patches, like kids. It's like, what the hell? So that's just a total like that's a great, great uh great analogy.

SPEAKER_00 37:15

Yeah, it's it's what it's what came to mind. And yeah, and it comes, maybe it does come from the days where you know porn was on VHS cassettes and and magazines, you know, maybe maybe it is a little dated, but you know, that it gosh, I we mentioned this, you know, in the other in an episode a while back, you know, it was things like that build character. You know, discipline is what builds character, and character is sexy. You know, you and I were actually talking about cowboy hats the other night and how people treat you differently. And there's something about when you put on a cowboy hat that people immediately treat you just a little differently because they kind of assume you have character. Like they assume you have an internal discipline, you know, and and when when you think about the guy that watches a lot of porn all day, I mean, talk about the other end of the spectrum from a cowboy. Yeah, you know, you can't procrastinate, you can't put things off, you can't, you know, like lounge around and then expect things to work. Like it, you know, the entire the entire industry will fall into shambles if you do that. The the the internal fortitude and structure and masculine frame is it it that is what's really being attacked when when you are watching a lot of porn, when you're going back to it regularly, is your your masculinity, your frame, your discipline, your fire, your your sense of self-pride and self-worth. And you know, and and maybe you know, this this is one of the things that I remind my clients of all the time is that men's sexual energy, the I should say the the messaging around men's sexual energy is not positive. Yeah, it is it's dirty, it's negative, it's cheap, it's easy, it's you know, all of these things. It's not men's sexual energy is is incredibly potent, creative, and powerful, and beautiful and precious. And most men don't have a relationship with their own sexual energy that embodies those feelings.

SPEAKER_01 39:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:10

When I when I come to a date and there's the question of whether or not whether or not we're gonna be in bed together, I don't see her sexuality as precious and mine is just hungry. My energy sexually is just as precious as hers is. It just has a different vibe to it.

SPEAKER_02 39:25

Right.

SPEAKER_00 39:25

And when I see it that way, boy, does her reaction to me completely change. I think I think one of the one of the steps that men really have to have to be able to, you know, wrestle this beast of pornography to the ground is to realize that their sexual energy is precious and it needs to be protected the same way that women's sexual energy is precious and needs to be protected. The minute we start seeing our sexual energy that way, the idea of scrolling porn and jerking off constantly is like, why are you doing this to such a precious resource? Yeah. In a lot of ways, that identity I think is one of the biggest protectors we have available to us.

Sexual Energy As Precious Capital

SPEAKER_01 40:06

Yeah, and that's that's that's really hard for divorced dads sometimes because their whole persona, everything has just been has come crumbling down. However, that makes it a really great opportunity to rebuild it into something that you want and something that is positive, and all the things that Dallas described because of being powerful, about being amazing, about being a driver. I mean, we've seen this throughout history. Uh men utilizing their sexual energy and their masculine energy. The challenge we have in our modern society, particularly here in Western developed cultures, is that it's diminished. That that whole not just the men's sexual energy, but men's masculinity in general is being diminished. But I can assure you guys, and and I think Dallas will attest to this too, is once you can do that rebuilding, once you can get to that point and you can have that mindset that Dallas is describing, and you start to see the reaction from women on it, you're like, oh yeah, this is pretty freaking awesome, man. Like, where you know, where was where you know, where was this before? And it was inside of you the whole time, and you had it the whole time. It was just uh, you know, what are conditioned out or repressed, like whatever it was. But once, yeah, distracted, whatever it was, you know, guys, it is awesome. So all of this to say, and all of our warnings about this to say, is that deep inside of you is this amazing. If you haven't already touched on it or or or tapped it, or maybe you have a little bit, is this amazing masculine nature and this amazing sexual energy that can just be tremendous and a tremendous driver in your life for lots of great things, relationships and and and everything else and family uh that you can tap into that you can build post-divorce. Now, it's gonna take work, it's gonna take not being distracted, like you said, but it's there.

SPEAKER_00 42:10

Yeah. Have you have you read the book Comfort Crisis? No, I haven't. That is a really good book. I think it's particularly very good for men. Okay. The the basic premise of the book, I read it last year, is that we live in a society that is constantly prioritizing our comfort. And humans are not designed to be in comfort all the time. We're actually designed to to deal with discomfort and to deal with struggles. We without without struggles, we actually we actually really don't do so well. And you know, a prime example of this is our food supply as it exists today. You know, um, a hundred years ago, and for the rest of society, you know, for the rest of human history, we had to work really hard and and and proactively. We had to plant seeds for food that's not going to show up for another three or four months. We had to do all of that. That was very uncomfortable to do. And and now, well, you can show up, you know, the blink of a you don't even have to show up. You just use Grubhub and whatever tastes you want just appear at your door. You know, and we've gone from a healthy relationship of food, which involves struggle and confrontation and and effort and then satisfaction and thriving, to fast food, which is just immediate consumption without any of that effort that we had. And we're being told in all the messaging that the second one is right. We're we're always supposed to feel comfortable, we're always supposed to feel satiated. Yeah. And and that messaging, that's the real seductive, toxic, bullshit message that we have to remember. And I'm I'm surprised we we haven't come up with this terminology, I'm but I'm gonna throw it out there. You know, we used to have just sex, and now porn is fast sex, just like you have food and fast food. You have sex and fast sex. Yep. You know, it it's it's immediate delivery, no cost, no effort, and and you get the results of fast sex give you the results that the fast food gives you, which is not a healthy result.

SPEAKER_01 44:10

Yep. There's so you mentioned that book, there was a an experiment done, I think, in the 50s or 60s. I think it's called the the Calhoun experiment with mice. And what they'd created is they created the the the mouse utopia, and and they and it exploded, right? They reproduced and they had perfect, like they had no predators, they had the perfect environment, perfect temperature, the all the food they wanted, the comforts they had, and the population exploded until they got too comfortable. And then some of the male, the male mouth mice just started to prune themselves and preen themselves and remove themselves really from that hunt of reproducing. And then the females did that too, and eventually it just died up. Yeah, yeah. And this was under the like perfect circumstances, and so that's the same concept that you're talking about, which is the the comfort trap. And and I think we you know, you guys might think we're getting away from what we're talking about here, but the point being is what's gonna lead to my next thing is which is a as a challenge for you guys to to confront this discomfort that you're dealing with in this, in in trying to to maybe let's put out a like a 30 day, take a 30 day fast from this. Fasting is great, fasting from food is great, fasting from porn would be great. Reset your body. That's gonna be hard, but that's Going to be something that is going to be a positive for you to do. And then once you've done that, then you can start working towards more positive things that are challenging. Yes, it's going to be more challenging than to continue to stop to do that or utilize it in a in a way that's a that is a healthy release and then go talk to women. And then and then go try to engage in warm interactions with women and then get a date and then show up and and and and go on a date in a in a good manner and then you know go down that path, right? That's gonna be much more difficult. So reclaim like your personal CEO, guys. Like that might be hard, but it's gonna be beneficial.

High Standards, Being The Prize Through Discipline

SPEAKER_00 46:20

Absolutely. Yeah. Are you are you in control and are you using this thing judiciously and strategically, or is this thing using you? Part of my personal journey, I I went an entire year with watching zero porn of any kind. No, no videos, no pictures, no images. I I I simply didn't. It was I was surprised actually, it wasn't quite as difficult as I thought it would be. And when I started, I didn't have I thought it was a one-way switch, you know, I'm I'm I'm just not watching any more porn. And after about a year, I realized that something was creeping up into my mind, and I was wondering, I I felt like I was holding my breath. And I thought, yo, this doesn't quite feel right. I don't like rigid dogmatic rules of never watch porn. That that to me just doesn't feel good. It's like, you know, never drink alcohol, it's evil. I it it I don't like that. Right. And so and so I decided to break it after a year because I wanted to know that I wasn't just holding my breath trying to follow a rule. I wanted to know that I was in control of the process. Yeah. So I went back to it and I I was coming from a year of porn abstinence. Like, I don't know if you call it that, but you know, a year of a year of not seeing it. And and then when I used it, I was like, okay, one, wow, this is really potent stuff. Like I had forgotten how strong it was. But I but it was my porn was my bitch, not the other way around. Yeah, porn did not have me by the scruff of the neck, it wasn't controlling it. I used it when I felt the need for the release. Because I because I did realize in that year, you know, like men are very visual. And without that visual component, there's a certain amount of arousal and all of that that like masturbating without it, like it it didn't provide the same level of release. And I realized that the porn was useful in that sense to to help really provide the release. Yeah, but again, the real trick is and I and I hope I hope the the list the listeners here don't mind me you know sharing such a personal side of my life, but it was it was really a wake-up call to me to realize that porn is just like alcohol. I choose how much I'm going to consume, how often, and particularly for what reason. It's the end of the week. I want to unwind, and my brain is still going. I need the release mentally. And having a couple drinks with a buddy can really do things that I'm sorry, all of the mindful meditation in the world ain't gonna do the same way.

SPEAKER_01 48:48

It's just not sure. And so part of what I'm hearing you describe, then if I want to uh correlate it to the scientific part, is you rewired your body and and you regrew your prefrontal cortex. So it's a it's a muscle, so it's basically a muscle. So your prefrontal cortex got back online, you re-rewired your neural pathways to come back to another way. And you know, you mentioned that I've done fasting from food before, and I've fasted for up to 30 days, and people are like, oh my God, you've not from food, you've not eaten food in 30 days. You would be amazed that after you do something like that, and now I didn't go just do a 30-day fast off the bat, I work my way up to it. If they're, you know, a day, three days, a seven-day, a 14-day, and if they're like same thing, you'll be amazed, guys, when you have this discipline around something, and then you do rewire your body to think of it. Now I can like I think about it, and I just did a 21-day one. I do a 21-day one at the end of the beginning of every year uh in January. Like when I think about it, I'm like, okay, yeah. Like you will be amazed the stuff you'll be able to do, guys, and not just not just around sex, not just around your relationships, your relationship with your kids, your work, your life. You know, it is absolutely empowering. Guys, there's there's a lot of stuff you can't control now post-divorce. You've you've been out of control, it's been a chaotic, difficult, challenging thing. One of the things that you can control now is yourself, your mind and your body.

SPEAKER_00 50:27

That's the only thing you can control in the end.

SPEAKER_01 50:30

The only thing you can control is yourself. Absolutely. So, so take that, take that, take the couple of challenges that that that we that we've put out there today, guys.

SPEAKER_00 50:43

Let me let me uh circle this back a little bit to how this impacts how women respond to you as a man. You know, when during that year when I watched No Porn and I told women, yeah, no, I haven't watched a single image since that time, there was a level of I saw respect in their eyes that I had not seen from anyone else. Because again, there's this whole silent thing that's going on with pornography that nobody talks about, but everybody just sort of knows and accepts that you know it it's just out there. When I told women I was like, Yeah, no, I haven't done it since then, and you know, it it feels great. I could see that they loved the discipline in me.

SPEAKER_02 51:21

Yeah.

Community, Support, And Next Steps

SPEAKER_00 51:22

And in this, in a similar sense, you know, we're not really talking about masturbation too much in this episode, but in a similar sense, I've I've asked several women, I said, How do how do you feel when a man abstains from you know from masturbating or from watching porn? They're like, it is hot. It is so hot to know that a man can do that. And, you know, in relationships that I've been in, you know, when I meet somebody, we're having a great connection, you know, and they're like, oh, you know, I can't wait to see you on Friday, and it's like Tuesday or Monday, you know, and I'm like, yeah, me too, you know, and and then when we get there and I'm like, you know, by the way, I haven't touched myself, you know, because I've been saving it and I want it, you know, I want to bring that energy to you. Women find that so incredibly attractive.

SPEAKER_01 52:04

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 52:04

Now, if I'm doing it specifically for them, I mean, that's hot, but the real basis is I'm doing this because I because this is again precious, beautiful, creative sexual energy inside myself. And I don't just dump it out like you know, like mouthwash in the morning, you know, just to like get it out of my system. I'm like, no, this is precious energy, and I'm going to be judicious about where I release it, how I release it, with whom or by myself that I release it. When I when I go to a first date with a woman, and that is already my mode. Oh man, I mean, the the the energetic, the energetic potency and and and and I'm not purity, it seems like maybe too much of a word, but uh the energetic cleanliness that you bring to the table. Boy, women really love that and are really attracted to it.

SPEAKER_01 53:02

Yeah, it's a vitality. We said vitality. I think that's the best word. And and it's uh they're attracted to it because they are wired to want to see that in a man, they're wired to desire masculinity, guys. So that's that that's that masculinity we're talking about that is buried deep inside of you. That when you are then able to exhibit that in your sexual vitality, and then and and then like like like Dallas says, then you're you control it and you only disperse it to and who and when and how you want. Man, like they're you know, you're you're gonna be gonna be lined up, they're gonna be like, yeah, like like fawning over themselves to get it.

SPEAKER_00 53:46

And that and that's what the pickup artists are talking about when they say you're you're the prize.

SPEAKER_02 53:51

Right.

SPEAKER_00 53:52

The problem is they're they're just saying like you just have to convince yourself in your head that you're the prize to see yourself. That's all ego and personality based. That's not discipline and character based.

SPEAKER_02 54:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 54:03

When when you exercise discipline, which is mostly saying, well, it's it's saying no to the immediate things that there would be immediate pleasure and saying yes to the things that are not that comfortable and not giving you immediate pleasure. That's what that's what discipline is. When you do those things, it forges that discipline in it forges the masculinity inside of you. Oh man, that that is some of the most potent stuff you can bring to the table. And and and the the bar, the standard for this is so low right now in the system. I was gonna say I mean, like, I mean, like the bar is just like it's not even shin high, you know, for the most part.

SPEAKER_01 54:42

It's I was just gonna say, if we if you if you can show up and and you can not be distracted by porn, not be distracted by drugs, not be distracted by alcohol or video games, you're like ahead of 99% of the rest of the men that she's gonna meet. So just you know, just work on those few things. Don't you know, don't even worry about fasting for 30 days or no porn like for a year. Like just focus on those, on those things, and you're gonna be that discipline, but it's also gonna build discipline for all the rest of the stuff in in your life, which is amazing.

SPEAKER_00 55:17

Absolutely. Most most men are going to approach a you know, a first date with a woman, you know, it that just sort of the average is well, either I'm gonna get sex with you or I'm gonna go home and watch porn and get sex that way.

SPEAKER_02 55:28

Right.

SPEAKER_00 55:28

For most men, those are the two options like either you're gonna put out or you know, the screen is gonna put out, like one of those two. Yeah, if if I approach that table and I'm like, well, look, I'm not looking for anybody to put out, I'm looking for where to invest this beautiful, precious sexual energy inside of myself. And if it's not you, I'm going to find somebody else that is the right vessel. Women women respond to that in a totally different way. No woman is turned on thinking, well, if I don't put out, he's gonna go watch porn. It's like I'm gonna go let the guy watch porn. I don't want to have anything to do with him. If I look at this guy and I'm like, well, if I don't connect with him and I'm not ready and available, he's gonna go find another top quality candidate because he wants to have the connection with a woman. That is going to be far more attractive to women. And again, very, very few men are showing up that way in their dating lives.

SPEAKER_01 56:19

Right. And the key to what you just said is a high quality candidate, right? You're the high quality candidate, you're looking for a high quality candidate, and you're not settling for for the rest. It's just a it's a shift in in mindset, guys. So Dallas, this was this was really good. I I I just want to commend you on sharing some vulnerable information with us. I that is so helpful, I know for in in just hearing you talk about it, helpful to me, but I know that the guys listening also, it's it's incredibly helpful and just increases the the amount of respect that that I have for you and the work that you do, and how much that shows me that you care about those that are listening and those who are are your who you're helping. So I appreciate that. And guys, let's like as always, get get connected with Dallas. You want to you want to cut this, you you you want to cut this time frame way down in in re-engaging that that masculinity and and then in and then having a healthy relationship after that, then get involved with Dallas and his community.

SPEAKER_00 57:26

Thank you. I I really appreciate those words, dude. And for the single dads at home that are struggling with with these feelings, that that are struggling with that downward spiral and the vortex and pied and all of these all of these things, yeah. Isolation is the enemy here.

SPEAKER_02 57:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 57:44

We we don't thrive. You know, the there's a great ver great verse from the Bible that says, like iron on iron, one man sharpens another. Right. We have to be able to work this stuff out with other men, particularly in order to really bring out the best version of ourselves. When we're alone and in isolation, it is so easy to slip into the just the mud and the muck of it all. And that that might that in itself might be difficult. But dude, you and I host these once a month. Uh, you know, we had our we had our in-person one last night. Yeah. We, you know, we have the online ones and we trade off between in-person and online. Guys, if you are looking for men to help grab your bootstraps with you and pull you up, come and join us. Yeah. We've we've been there. It is it is not pretty, but it can be beautiful when you when you when you do the work that needs to be done.

SPEAKER_01 58:35

Yeah, and you can find that's a it's a free event that's that's that we put on, and and Dallas is gracious enough to give us a a free hour of his time once a month on that on that Q ⁇ A. And you can find it on our events page at thedivorcedavocate.com. If you stroll all the way to the bottom, in the footer is the events page. But then also check out Black Spock Dating, blackboxdating.com because then you've got some paid stuff and you've got your community of guys. You guys meet on a on an even more regular basis than that. You do fieldwork. Like I don't know that the guys know that the extent to which you really help them through this stuff and and and take them to the next level of being able to get into a relationship. Yeah, check that out there.

SPEAKER_00 59:22

Fieldwork is magical. It it really is. Uh, when you're in there in the flesh and blood and your experience and discipline, it is something else.

SPEAKER_01 59:29

Dude, thank you for uh telling you there's no better guy than him to watch. It's like what you know, watching a master and the chef like putting something together and making all the ingredients. So, fellas, just yeah, get uh get involved in the community. Yeah, Dallas, it was awesome.

SPEAKER_00 59:45

It was awesome. Thanks, dude. Talk to you next week.