40 - The Tom Brady Trap: Why "Too Busy" is Actually a Choice

Tom Brady says he’s too busy for a personal life, and that excuse hits different when you’re a divorced dad trying to coordinate dating around custody exchanges, work, and real-world exhaustion. We dig into what “no time” usually means, how priorities actually work, and why a lot of single fathers quietly use their kids as a shield from fear and rejection. If you’ve been telling yourself you’ll date again when life calms down, this conversation challenges that story without shaming you for it.

We get practical fast. We talk micro dates that fit into a packed schedule, the mindset shift from “I can’t” to “How can I make this happen?”, and how to use dating apps without letting them hijack your attention. We also explain why clarity and direct communication matter more when you’re a parent, and how being open about your availability can actually make dating simpler instead of more stressful.

Then we go deeper into what your kids learn by watching you. We break down why modeling resilience, emotional honesty, and healthy effort matters after divorce, plus the difference between guilt (a useful signal to realign your behavior) and shame (the thing that keeps you hidden). If you want a healthy romantic relationship again, you don’t need a perfect plan, you need a next step. Subscribe, share this with a dad who needs it, and leave a review. What’s the one action you’ll take this week?

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:20

Hello and welcome to Dad's Dating After Divorce, the only podcast that understands why. Your Tinder profile says active lifestyle when you actually just mean. I spent four hours at Arena Youth Soccer Tournament, and my back is currently screaming for a heating pad. I'm your host, Jude Sandoval. I am the founder of The Divorced Advocate, and my co-host is Dallas Luth, the founder of Black Box Dating. Dallas, how are you doing? Doing wonderful, Jude. I was just complaining to you about my back. That's why I tied it all in together. You were, you were, yeah. My sore back.

SPEAKER_02 0:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:00

So yeah, I'm I'm doing great. My back doesn't hurt this morning. It's it's it's currently 80-something degrees in Denver on the first day of spring, which is just bananas. So I'm going to a rooftop bar for a date tonight.

SPEAKER_01 1:13

Oh, good for you. Fantastic. Well, then let's talk about today dating, which we're well, we're always talking about dating, but what I wanted to, you know, what I wanted to get into is we've all seen the headlines of the greatest of all time. Uh, and and you can get, well, I already told you, so you can't guess now. But okay, the listeners can guess to what I'm talking I'm talking about. We're talking about Tom Brady. And Tom Brady's been in the news. He's probably arguably the greatest quarterback of all. You know that, right? Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. I know you're a big sports fan of stuff.

SPEAKER_02 1:51

And that's possibly all I know about football. Okay. Tom Brady is Tom Brady is the man when it comes to quarterbacks.

Busy Is Usually A Priority Choice

SPEAKER_01 1:57

He is definitely the like, you know, he's got the looks, he's probably one of the best that's ever played, right? But he says he's too busy for a personal life because of work in the kids. And so if a guy with a private jet and a literal nutritional chef can't find 20 minutes for a cocktail, what hope is there for those of us trying to coordinate a first date around a 50-50 custody schedule and a broken disc washer and paying the bills and you know, and and camping with an air mattress that does, you know, that goes all the air goes out of it? Like so what I want to deconstruct today is that busy dad trap. Are we actually too busy or are we just using our kids as a human shield to avoid a terrifying prospect? For some of us, terrifying prospects. For other of us, you know, it's it's not as terrifying of having to explain our hobbies, like quote unquote hobbies, right? To like, you know, like like my opener, right? The active lifestyle, our quote unquote hobbies to a stranger for the first time since like 2005. So, you know, what what are your thoughts on whether they've uh on whether they've ever used a kid emergency as a convenient exit for for for a strategy leaving a date.

SPEAKER_02 3:27

Oh, I think it's great. You know, I think it's great that you have kids as an out whenever you need it. I think it's awesome. I mean, use direct action, you know, especially if they're they're not aware of it, you know. Um you know, women use women use their dogs all the time as an out. Oh, I gotta get home because my dog, I got to go back. Oh my god, right. It's good to have an out. It's good to have it. Um when it comes to like too busy for, I'm like, well, too busy for what? I you know, what level of seriousness in a relationship? I think that question immediately comes to mind uh is how deep we're gonna get. And then and then it comes, you know, it comes down to a matter of, in addition to the fear, it comes down to just priorities. You know, what's most important in your life? You know, none of us have enough time to do everything we'd like to do. Everything we do in our life is a trade-off. There's no doubt about it.

SPEAKER_00 4:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:11

And when you're a single divorce dad, you the the trade-offs become even tighter. And you just have to get ultra focused and decided on what's most important to you. And, you know, dating, having a relationship, whatever level that is, it's just a question of how important is that to you. And hopefully that's what we diving into.

SPEAKER_01 4:32

Yeah, well, and I kind of feel like with all of the technology that we have and the ability to quickly communicate, right? Like like texting isn't a relationship buildings uh tool, but having having that and all of this other stuff really gives you the the the ability. It used to be a lot more arduous, right? You had to make the phone call, then you had to call the the restaurant to to find if you get reservations, and then you had to call back to to to confer. Like now we just go online, we can make the reservation, like, or find like like you know you go Google and it has like how busy the place is at that very second. So you so you know we have all of this technology that helps things to be easier, but we seem to be so busy. And then as dads, yes, we do have we do have a lot going on, but really is that is that really true? Like Tom Brady, seriously, man, this guy can do like number one, he could snap his fingers and pretty much there would be a line out the door of dates for him. Yep. But is you know how it just seems ridiculous.

SPEAKER_02 5:41

Well, it's an excuse. Anybody saying I'm too busy is uh what they're really saying is I'm prioritizing other things. Yeah, that that that's what's really being communicated right there. You know, you're we're all too busy for some stuff, absolutely. Yeah, because it's a trade-off, because we can only spend so much time doing various things. And I mean it's and and I think it's everybody's right to say I'm too busy to date, that's not what I'm interested in. That's totally fine. The question is, is is are you being honest with yourself about the decisions and the choices you're making about your time and your energy and resources?

SPEAKER_01 6:15

Yeah, well, and and so I think that's I think that is the key point there, right? Like you can't just say I'm busy, because if because if you're if you are efficient with your time, and whether that's and and so we could go through the myriad, and maybe we do go through the myriad of of different things of like, well, I can't, where do I meet somebody? Well, you have apps, and uh while I know you don't like apps, you could actually definitely meet somebody on on an app. And you can't like you can't, so there's not an excuse like again the old days, like we used to have to go out and intentionally go talk to somebody and like go scout out, like now you don't even have to do that.

Why Dads Hide Behind Their Kids

SPEAKER_02 7:00

I mean, but you they're talk to any woman who who is a single mom that has her kids 100% of the time, they have no problem you know connecting with men online without ever leaving their house. The problem is getting them on a date where they are leaving their house. That's the challenging part, is 100% mom making that time. But even when they're busy all the time, with like you're saying, with the technology, they can absolutely meet people. Yeah, but we we've got ways around it.

SPEAKER_01 7:25

Well, and so I want to talk a little bit about the mentality and so of this with with guys, because I know that there's again a lot of guys in the divorced advocate community that just are they're using these excuses that there's no good women, or I don't have the time, or or or or or or whatever it is. And I just feel like we are as humans designed for connection, particularly romantic connection with the with the opposite sex. And I want to encourage the guys if you're if you are like if you are what coming up with these these excuses to to really take some time and do some self-assessment, doesn't mean we were talking, we were talking right before the show about the guys that are jumping in like in the middle of divorce and they're flying women in from all parts of the world to get remarried again, right? Like bless their hearts. Yeah, bless their hearts. Exactly. Don't start doing that. But if you've taken the time and you've and you've had a little you the the seasons, right? Like I talk about the seasons with with your kids and getting things settled and building a foundation right that and maybe you depending upon what the situation was, uh you needed to do some healing around that, some reflection around that. And you're still finding yourself maybe even years, because there's there's guys that that are years down the road and and finding excuses, but take some time to to assess that because two reasons. One, you deserve to have a a positive relationship and a positive um romantic relationship, positive interactions uh with women, and just because your your your marriage may have uh not worked out, that doesn't mean that that's going to be the same thing. And the second part of that, which is also really important, is how else are your kids going to see that that is a beneficial thing for them in your in their life? If you as their dad are not out there dating, having these romantic like it doesn't mean that you need to be, I mean, having some day game with your kids, which although can can be a good thing, and I think we're gonna do an episode on that a little bit down here in the future because I can use some tips on that, Dallas. But uh and actually maybe we need to do some field work with you and my daughters and my field game, which could be even a fun little video we could do. But anyway, I digress. But to to have them be able to see that their father is you know engaging in that and then even being able to share that. That's incredibly important. How else are they gonna see that, dance, if if you are not modeling it for them?

SPEAKER_02 10:09

That that's the key word is modeling, because you're going to be modeling something for the kids. Are you modeling a man that is saying, you know what, this isn't easy, so I'm not gonna do it? Are you modeling, you know, I would like this, but I'm afraid to put myself back out there because I don't want to get hurt again?

SPEAKER_00 10:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:26

I don't think we want to be modeling either of those for our kids, you know, sons or daughters. You know, or are you modeling, you know, you know what, dad got knocked down, dad gets back up, dad goes back out there, dad keeps living. You know, which one are you going to model for your kids? That's that's the that's a a big I I think I think an important consideration to keep in mind is because the kids are always watching, they're always they're always observing and they're absorbing and and that energy that you have, you know. And if you're and particularly if you're feeling torn inside, like you really do have a desire to have some chemistry with a woman, to to have a connection. If that desire really is inside you, and and particularly if you're making comments like, oh, well, I you know, I wish I could, or you know, you know, ah, it's just kind of hard or whatever, if you're making these comments in the household, you're I mean, you're you're you're you're sitting on the fence in a rather ugly, undignified way. And do you really want to model for your kids that they should sit on the fence about what they want in life?

SPEAKER_00 11:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:27

No, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:28

Yeah, no, you you you you you shouldn't. And how many so probably most of us didn't marry the first person we dated? Like the majority of us didn't. And so what kind of message are you sending to them that if your relationship, your like your one relationship didn't work out, your marriage didn't work out, that you're just not gonna keep trying again because then they're gonna they're gonna have that feeling, like you said, or that that thought process of, oh, well, it didn't work out, I quit. Right? Like you try once and and you quit. How many things do you do once and then you do well and and just get really good at it? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:07

Again, if somebody doesn't have the interest in dating, I'm I'm all behind that, you know. But most single dads out there, I think, wish they were. So for me, I'm really speaking to the guys that are experiencing the conflict in their own heart. They're split inside of themselves. And what that is, is you're when when you're split, you have a lack of integrity. Like integrity means oneness. Integrity means I'm on the same page. When I'm like, I wish I could, but every time we put a butt into a statement, we are we're switching directions, we're backwashing our thoughts and our energy back on ourselves. And that that doesn't lead to us feeling very alive as men. When we choose to have integrity and and say, I want to find statements that don't have the word but in the middle. It's I want to date and I'm going to wait until I reach this, and I'm going to wait until my kids are all my kids are 10 years old. That's an and statement, and there's there's there's no contradiction about it, and I've made the choice and I'm going forward. That's that direction and the and the purpose that you want to have as a man. What what whatever your criteria is, find a way to unify yourself in the direction so that you can you can tap into your core masculinity. If you're saying but, if you're going, if you're complaining, I mean, geez, what kind of a model is that to set for your kids of saying, well, I wish this could happen, or I wish this, or you know, I want that, but it it that's showing a very wishy-washy sort of energy. And I I I don't think any of I don't think any of us as men go, yeah, that's really how, you know, how I want to be, how I shine the best. That's the role I, you know, the model I want to set for my kids. But but most of us have a hard time being honest with ourselves and looking in the mirror when we're doing that.

SPEAKER_01 15:08

Yeah. By and large, every divorced dad I talk to, if I if I press them enough, they will all admit that they want to get back in the game or have a relationship. Uh almost a hundred percent of it. I've never had a single guy be like, no, like I have no interest, and I never want to see a woman again, da-da-da. Like maybe when you're going through the divorce, a lot of us feel like that. Like please take me to a planet where there's no way. Uh but but you know, at some point post-divorce, like if you got married, you had kids, like yes, just the design. But I'll tell you the one number one thing, then, if we dive into it and peel away the layers, is fear. That there's some, there's some fear around that. And then that fear is what then what happens to what you described, then it comes up, it manifests as a yeah, but or this or something else.

SPEAKER_02 16:07

There's fear, and I think another part of it is a lot of guys want or expect it to be easier than it is. And that ultimately boils down to laziness. And one of the one of the core principles that I live by personally is everything of value comes at a price.

SPEAKER_00 16:25

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 16:26

Everything of value, relationships, wealth, health, how your body looks, how everything in your life that has value, you had to pay some kind of price in order to get it. And that price increases the value and you receive it. So I would say that a lot of guys, like, and and it, I mean, we're sort of told constantly through marketing that life is supposed to be easy and convenient for us. That that's horrible conditioning, that's it's very unhealthy, you know, messaging that we're all getting. But that that that's the society that we live in currently. That's that's just that's the milieu of it all. Well, expecting it to be easy and saying, oh, well, you know, it's like, for example, like I don't know where to meet women, you know, I think what they're really saying is I don't know where to easily meet women that I find very attractive and that are attracted to me and they just, you know, low-hanging fruit. Well, yeah, of course that doesn't exist, buddy. Like when they when does when did we ever say that that existed? It's yeah.

unknown 17:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:23

Well, and that's the that's the message then that your kiddos get about relationships. So if you're not willing to put in the time and effort to date in order to identify somebody that you can then put effort into a relationship, they're gonna say they're gonna think the same thing, which I think is a a huge message that we have out there right now with dating, with the apps and everything else, which is a misconception. And then, which is also a reason why the divorce rate is so high as we get into, we think it's gonna should not take that much effort and that much time and that much, you know, that much mental, emotional, like everything. Like it takes mental, emotional, physical, spiritual energy to put into dating and a relationship for it to be to be successful, right? What comes easy doesn't last long, and what lasts long doesn't come easy or come easy. Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 18:21

Fool me one shame on me, yeah, dude.

SPEAKER_01 18:24

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So so that's another message to our kids. If we're just staying out of the game, sitting on the sidelines, then that's what they're gonna do.

Micro Dates And The How Question

SPEAKER_02 18:36

Yeah, yeah. And it but it's it's hard to hold ourselves to that standard, you know. It's okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:42

Well, we're gonna do that today. We're gonna hold you guys to the standard today. And what we're gonna do is we're gonna talk about practical strategies for the quote unquote overbooked dad or the too busy dad or the insert whatever dad that doesn't want to get out there. So we're gonna help you overcome your fears today. So the first one is that like I don't have time, right? That's the that's the the the big one. I just don't have time, the Tom Brady one. Like, I'm too busy, I got kids and everything else, but I can snap my fingers and have a hundred and go on a like a 45-minute date. That's the micro date. That's what I'm calling the first one. Is it doesn't have to be a grand date. You don't have to, you know, you don't you don't have Tom Brady's resources, so you can't pull up your private jet, fly somewhere, take her out to dinner, and fly her back. Okay, so you're not gonna do that. You can just plan a coffee or you can just plan a walk, like something that's quick and that's easy, that we talk about as like recreational dating, right? Just getting that interaction with the opposite sex doesn't have to be a big, big plan. It can just be something quick and easy and fun. And that can be all of your dating, like that can just be your dating life.

SPEAKER_02 19:59

I think, I think if you if you reframe the question as how can I make this happen? You know, a lot of times, particularly in business, we're like I can or I can't. But that's from a fixed, preconceived notion of what that's going to look like, achieving that task, making that making that goal happen. When you if if you were to reframe it as, okay, I have to make this happen. How can I make it happen? And then we what that does is that causes us to rewrite the rules that we have in our mind of what something has to look like. I do I do this myself constantly. I'm I'm looking at it and I'm like, okay, this is the way I would normally do this. How else could I possibly do this to cut the time you know in half or down to a third? Um I I do I and I do the same thing in in my, you know, in my dating life as well. It's this is the way I've always done it. And I'm asking myself, well, do I have to do it that way? How else could I do this? How could I make this far less painful for myself and for someone else? How can I, how can I not carry this maybe emotional burden or this anticipation when really it's it's not one that I want to carry? Well, actually, if I just say this rather than that, then then we're in a whole different world. When we ask the question of how can I make this happen? How can I, you know, plug this in, and we start moving around the pieces, that's we we we start to see all kinds of new solutions that uh that can lead to in a completely different experience of of our life.

SPEAKER_01 21:21

Right. Well, that's almost that's like a that's like a that's like a business concept, pretty much, right? It's uh it's what is the what is it that we want to accomplish, and then working backwards from that, and then starting well, what's step one? And step one towards that, like towards that goal is this. Step call, step two is is that. But the thing that I do want to point out is not everybody thinks like that, right? Like anybody can think like that.

SPEAKER_02 21:50

But anyone can think like that. Yes, I'm I'm saying this is a mindset, a mindset shift into how can I make this happen? I want this desired outcome, and I think this is the straight line. How can I see this differently? And that's uncomfortable for everybody, you know, you're you're changing your neuropathways, but anyone is capable of doing that if they choose.

SPEAKER_01 22:10

Yeah. Well, and let's so let's dial that really down specifically with with the dads. Is that could be okay, I would like to have a healthy romantic relationship. And and if you're gonna work backwards from that, that's not like you're you're gonna be going out and meeting a bunch of women out in the in the field or at the bar. Okay, maybe that first step is I need to get therapy and I need to talk through some of the hurt and the difficulties and the pain that that that I've gone through that is creating that fear that's then making me make these excuses. And so so maybe it's something as as simple as that, or dialed so far down before you're even going out and dating, so that then you that you remove you remove that fear. Or maybe that first step is I gotta figure out how to remove that fear. Maybe it's therapy, maybe it's getting a coach like Dallas that's gonna help me talk about things, or maybe it's getting involved with the community of other dads and talking to them about their experience. But how do I get rid of that fear? That could be like step one.

SPEAKER_02 23:13

Yep. And and I think I think you and I both agree. I know we've talked about this off camera several times. The only way to really get rid of fear is to walk into the experience that you're afraid of. Exposure therapy. You know, you don't have to jump all the way into the deep end of the deep pool, but stepping into the situation and experiencing the fear and realizing, oh, dang, I didn't die. That's ultimately the only thing that will dispel the fear and remove it from inside.

SPEAKER_01 23:38

No, and that's a that is a therapeutic concept that is that is a given. So yeah, it it that works and and and you have to be able to do that. And again, this leads to an exit modeling again for your kids something because they're gonna run into fearful situations all throughout their lives. We do it, we we've we've had it. They're going to imagine helping them to see that at a younger age with something like this. And there's nothing more, you know, there's nothing more fearful than rejection, right? Especially for guys. That's one of the biggest, biggest things is the fear of rejection. Walking through that and then showing them how you did that and sharing with them how you did that, and then talking to your your young kids or your dating kids. I've got three that are got now. We got like a full house of boyfriends now again. Like these kids spent the whole year. Now they're, I guess they're like in the you know, the spring fever or whatever, there's all boyfriends now, right? So so it gives you the opportunity of of talking about. Where's your hunting rifle, dude? Oh, they're right over there, and I got the kid right real close. But um, yeah, so so but it gives you the opportunity then to share with them and talk. And I like I try to talk with my daughters and um, you know, about that stuff and what I go through and feelings I have, but it's a just a huge opportunity, and then you know, and then they'll come to you and it gives you the opportunity to then talk with them about it, and then you have then if you're doing it, you have things that you can share with them about people that they know, especially if you end up introducing them or if they you know integrating lives or whatever that this was what this was like, and this is what we did. And and maybe you have somebody that you then that you blend families with, and then they're able to give feedback from their perspective on that can be a really incredibly powerful thing for you, dads, if you are able to walk through that that first fear like Dallas talked about.

Fear Of Rejection And Modeling Resilience

SPEAKER_02 25:43

Absolutely. You know, and another thing that you're modeling in that is you're you're you're demonstrating how messy people are. Yeah. You know, the fact the fact that it's not a straight line and it's not it's not even just accepted or rejected, it's not even that simple. It's it's so messy, and we have to sort through our feelings. We don't even know what our feelings are initially, and we have reactions. If we hide all of that from our children, we're setting an expectation for them of, you know, oh no, no, people aren't complicated, like people aren't messy, emotions are simple. Where in where instead, if we appropriately, you know, share with them, show with them, yeah, I was really into this woman and it didn't work out, and dad's just bummed. Like dad's sad, like he his hopes were up and now they're down. And dad isn't destroyed either. You know, this is part of life. This you're modeling how to deal with emotions, you're modeling that it's okay to be emotional and that emotions are going to happen. You know, if we were happy constantly and never experienced sadness, that'd be kind of boring, actually. Like that would get pretty old, actually, pretty quick. The fact that you're showing like these are the ups and downs that everybody experiences in dating. And then, you know, later when they get their heart broken, because unfortunately it's gonna happen to everybody. When they get their heart broken, they can go like, oh yeah, remember, like dad had that. You know, he was he was seeing that woman for six months and then and then she just she dumped dad. And like dad was sad for a while, but but he didn't hide it. You know, he didn't, he didn't he didn't put a mask on it, he didn't pretend it didn't happen, he didn't brush it off like it didn't matter. He said, Yeah, this really sucks right now. And this and this too shall pass, you know, to quote the famous.

SPEAKER_01 27:24

I think that's the most important message of of this episode to to today is because we live in such a society where everything's just social media, everything's uh an orchestrated pose or a shot or this lifestyle or or whatever. And having being able to share that message with your kiddos that that like that's complete crap. Like everything is messy, and there's emotions, and there's uh having to communicate and to to be happy, to be sad, to be mad, to disappoint, like all of that stuff. And it takes it's like you know, it's like making the sausage, right? That it's not gonna just be this beautiful, the fantastic. Well, Tom, well, let's go, let's take it back to Tom Brady. Great, great example, right? Like, this is the man most Super Bowls, MVPs, like everything, and what's happening behind the scenes, right? Like his wife is sleeping with the jiu-jitsu instructor and now has his baby and is like got gets divorced, and like this is messy. This is life. This is life, this is messy. If it can happen to him, like like none of us are. Yeah, it's all of us. That is just life, right? And that's what our kids need to know. And so you're almost doing them a disservice by staying out of the game or or you know, letting your fears get the best of you and not jumping back into that. It's almost like you know, if if you're teaching them to play a game, let's say baseball, and you struck out and then you just took your ball and you went home. Like, what message would that be to your kids about how to play sports or how to play baseball and whatever if you struck out one time and then you went just went home? Yeah, but the message the message is trazic.

SPEAKER_02 29:17

Yeah, yeah. The the method the message, the message is if you're not guaranteed to win, don't participate. Right. That that's the message. That's just kind of the message. You're never guaranteed to win. You have and you have to participate in life to get any of the good stuff, and you're gonna have to work through the struggle. Again, everything of value comes at a price. In order to get the wins, you have to pay the price of striking out sometimes. You have to pay the price of going through the mess, you have to pay the price of the ups and downs. There's no two ways about it. And what you really want to show them is that no matter what, eventually on the other side, you will persevere and come out and everything will be okay. And then they can see, you know what, even though certain relationships might come and go, the love that I have from you for you as my father, as your father, sorry, pronouns all mixed up. The love that I have, the relationship that we have in this family, they last. And it shows even by contrast, you know, that yeah, while some relationships don't last, some relationships do last when we really choose. And my relationship with you as my child is one of those ones that's going to last. That's that's an incredibly important, you know, principle, value to be communicated to the kids.

What You Offer And Confidence Rebuild

SPEAKER_01 30:30

Yeah, there's so there's so many, so many things that that by being out there and by sharing it with your kiddos is going to to benefit them. And and guys, look, like those would be things, some of those things would be things that they'd be seeing if you're in your marriage still. And that's just the design of relationships and being in a marriage. And so you know you almost, I would say you almost owe it to your kids. So you have to you know try to seek that out and do something around that because if you don't, you're denying them an opportunity, a learning opportunity for how to conduct that in their adult life. Dallas, I think that is probably one of the number one things that gets lost in the normalization of divorce in our society these days, is that that gets that gets glossed over. It's more about, you know, seek your happiness. And I think this unfortunately comes more from the female side than the men's side, but seek your happiness, do what's right for you, like you know, like all of that stuff. And speak your truth. Yeah, speak your truth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. You know what you know what I'm saying. And and it's not like there's sacrifice, there's so much more that that that needs to go into that that messaging that is not getting not getting set. So by by walking through this fear, guys, and and in in and then facing it and and then showing them, there's so much that that you can do. So, you know, I I think we beat that to death. But yeah, I think it's a really, really important. Let's get let's back get back to some like maybe practical strategies again. Well, the other is the dating. Okay, go ahead. If you want to do that.

SPEAKER_02 32:06

Well, actually, let me let me give a a positive spin on this because usually when we're when when we're looking at it from a dating point of view, we're like, you know, I want to have sex, I want connection with a woman, you know, I want companionship, you know, all these are pieces that you want and you think about yourself. And and then there's like butt, but but you know, I don't yeah, I don't know where to find them. I don't know if I'm if I'm worth it. I don't, you know, there's all these questions that come into play. A whole spinning that around in a 180 is what do I have to offer that right now nobody's getting to enjoy about me? So, you know, so for example, you know, like uh it seems silly, but like I have handyman skills. I was a I was a landlord for 10 years. Like sort of my my first my first big you know chunk nest egg, you know, was built through income properties. And I was a self-managed landlord. And I learned a lot in that decade of handyman skills. And you know, I think we mentioned on a couple past episodes stuff I'm doing in my condo, you know, to fix things up for myself. Women love a guy that actually knows how to like, you know, repair some stuff in the house. Yeah. And this might seem like a simple thing, but it's kind of sad when I'm the only one that gets to benefit from my handyman skills. Yeah. You know, when I'm when I'm dating a woman and she's got a house and she's got a honeydew list that's like out the door, and you know, or like the back gate keeps blowing open, then dog runs out. That was actually something that happened to me a couple of years ago. You know, and I went out there and you know, reworked things and made it happen. It's that's amazing that that skills and and and qualities of of me that I've developed in my life as a man, that a woman is able to enjoy them.

SPEAKER_00 33:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:51

Like that is like, and and I don't I don't feel like that's something that we even talk about that much. You know, we see it more like being used, but it's like when I've got this stuff to offer, and for and for me to see like the relief on a woman's face that she's not worried her dog is gonna slip out again into the neighborhood, or that you know, I can come over, you know, like tankless water heater, like there was a limit set on it, you know, arbitrarily. And you had to dig deep in the manual and the programming buttons and everything, but I was able to fix that or do other things, or you know, what whatever it is, whatever skills we have as a man, you know, when we only have them in our own household, they're maybe not being used to the fullest advantage that they could. And there are ways that women want to enjoy what we have to offer. And when we go out into the field looking at it, like I'm like, let's say that I'm more of an introvert, I'm a little more shy, but I'm a really good listener. You know, we were talking about this last night, actually. Yeah, we were talking about this last night on the you know, ask a dating coach, the monthly sessions that we do online. Yep. Quick plug. You should look into coming to the next one if you would like to talk to us live about anything going on in your in the dating world. But we were talking about, you know, how somebody that's a little more shy, a little more introverted, how that's actually can be a huge advantage. You're offering good listening skills to a woman where the number one complaint that women have in dating is that men suck at listening. They go on talking and talking, and and then and then when they're not talking, they're not really listening, they're not really engaging. These are these are all things that I honestly, if we just take a step back, look at ourselves, and and we ask ourselves, so what do I as a man have to offer women? And it's kind of tragic that nobody's getting to enjoy those those parts about me.

SPEAKER_01 35:37

Yeah, and yeah, well, I was gonna say that a lot of the dads listening just I having just finished up our divorce or gone through a divorce, they're they're their confidence is shot, right? And so dads, the and you and I have talked about this in in the past episodes, but like you've got some built-in credibility, you've already got somebody that selected you, so there's good. So start thinking back to all that cool stuff that you were doing, or or what you what it is that you were demonstrating that that exhibited that. And and when I talk to dads about that, I'll be like, well, what you know, what hobbies were you doing then? And you know, was there anything that you stopped doing since then? And all guys are like, Yeah, well, I was playing my music all the time, or or I was really into sports, I was lifting a lot, or whatever. I'm like, do it, do it again, start doing it again because that was something that you just filled you up. And then when you were filled up, you were like, Oh, yeah, and then that just emanated out to the world, and then you attracted somebody in, you're gonna do the same thing, but you just have to consciously think about it now. Like, our confidence is shot. We're just doing it back then because we're young and dumb and you know, just you know, guys, right? Doing our our our guy thing, and now we get to be dads and we're like all in our head about it. Like, go back to that stuff, find that stuff, exactly what you're what you're talking about, because that is sexy as hell to women. Like, even just the good listening thing, you might think that's stupid. It is sexy as hell to women.

SPEAKER_02 37:10

It is. No, it it it it's huge, and women women get it from other women most of the time. Some some women actually kind of don't get that, but it's very rare that they get it from men, and it is a whole different experience for a woman to be listened to in in good, effective ways by a man. It's a completely different experience.

SPEAKER_00 37:28

Yeah, yeah.

App Office Hours And Direct Communication

SPEAKER_01 37:29

Okay. So a couple more. I just want to hit a couple, a few, maybe a couple, few more strat practical strategies for the guys that are using the overbook dad thing, the the dating apps. Okay. No, you don't like them, but they can be effective if you're gonna use them. You're gonna limit your time on them, you're gonna use them to just maybe you just use them to learn the communication back and forth, to get messaging back and forth, and you want to get better at that, setting up times, etc.

SPEAKER_02 38:02

A good, a good way to do that because the dating apps will quickly drain your energy. Uh they will quickly grab your attention, even worse than the social media apps.

SPEAKER_00 38:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:11

And one of the things you can do is to say basically, like these are my office hours for the dating app. You know, I'm I'm on here between 8 and 9 p.m. or 7 to 8 p.m. Heck, put that in your profile to make it really, really clear. Hey, just to let you all know, I'm a single dad, I have these responsibilities. I only check my messages and I'm only on here between 7 and 8 p.m. Just and and you're just communicating to the world what it can expect from you. And I've I, you know, I'm I'm not sure, I haven't heard any women say that that that is particularly attractive, but I know if I saw anybody say that, I would respect them because they are exercising discipline and self-control in a in a rather rather slippery slide.

SPEAKER_01 38:50

Yeah. Well, and that leads me to the next one, which is how to say, you know, my my I'm busy, that I am a busy dad, that you know, I've got kids and they are a priority. A relationship is a priority in my life too, but my kids are a priority also. Like, I get that all the time, like from women too. My kids are number one. Well, okay, well, I know that I will never be a priority. Yeah, well, I hope so. Like, that's just a given. You don't have to say that. Kids are a priority, my kids are a priority too. Like, but we can still have a relationship that is a priority in our lives as well, and still have our kids as a priority. Like, it's not mutually exclusive. Um, but you know, how how do you have just like how do you have that conversation? Or how do you say that? I like the tip about the eight, you know, I'm only on here on the from eight to nine o'clock, but and I'm just talking in general, not just on the app, but just let them know.

SPEAKER_02 39:42

Yeah, so I think I think, first of all, like a lot of us are shy about telling the world where we're at and what we want. And that there's good reason, you know, we want to be socially liked, you know, and acceptable and all of that. You know, there's good reasons for it. But I think a lot of times we could say a lot more than we are and say it plainly. And the truth is, when we are honest with people, when we're vulnerable, when we're straightforward, you go, you know what, this is what I'm really looking for. This is what I'm really after. When we do that, a lot of times that us just saying it dissipates the fear.

SPEAKER_00 40:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 40:17

So when you're looking to step out of your shell, your safety zone, you know, of just your home as a dad and you want to get back out there, if you look at it as I'm going to communicate with the world what I'm looking for, how I want to, how I want to look. And because a lot of times, I mean, I see this with my clients all the time, it's like, well, shouldn't she know? Shouldn't she behave? Shouldn't this happen? Shouldn't she respond? And it's like, well, yeah, I mean, in in an ideal world, she should. Right. But how could you be direct and cut through all of that fog of shouldness and actually just communicate what you want? Jump right to the point. How, you know, kind of coming back to what we were saying earlier, how could you go about this differently than you have in the past to make it more efficient, easier? And particularly when you're cutting through that fog and that frustration and just going, you know, I I wish, you know, you know, I would I I wish I could get an easy yes or no, you know, on this invitation for tomorrow night. I'm fine either way. Just, you know, I just would like it to be clear. You know, when you say that rather than the waiting game or whatever it is, that was that was kind of a lame, oversimplic example, but there's so many situations where we can, as men, lead in clarity and we can lead in vulnerability and we can lead in simplicity in the communication and the connection. And when we do that, first of all, the woman responds pretty well to it. But even more importantly, when we do that, we are giving ourselves what we want as men. And and a lot of what happens when we do that is fears get dispelled.

SPEAKER_01 41:53

Right. And and and I'll add that you're gonna you end up finding more of what you want when you do that. Yes. Because it's because whatever it whatever doesn't fit with it just falls away. Yeah. And and there's an energetic thing about when you put it out there, it's gonna, you're gonna attract what you what you're saying and what you're wanting. So the more you're doing that.

SPEAKER_02 42:15

Yeah. I believe it was dataclysm that was talking about how the people whose profiles were the most widely acceptable or most widely agreeable actually had the least, the least intense or like effective connections. It was the people who were who were deeply unique in their profile, like you know, punk rocker hair, you know, lots of whatever they they picked a side and they were clearly on that side. They're getting a ton of no's, but the yeses that they got were really strong yeses. And that's what we're looking for in the day. We don't want lukewarm, you know, middle sort of. Like you don't, you don't want to be the gray man just you know blending in. You want to distinctly stand out. Is that what you were talking about, Jude?

SPEAKER_01 43:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I absolutely positively. When you when you put out what you want, you're gonna you're gonna find it. Yeah, you're gonna you're gonna attract it, you're gonna attract it in. The the people are gonna see, they're gonna resonate with it. And so it's it's it's when you try to you know leave it so broad that you're gonna attract everything and anything that it doesn't it doesn't work. Like, and and then and and also my other point is just be open about it, like you were talking about, communicate it with you, because you're gonna be surprised the number of people that will either one of two things they're gonna say, oh yeah, that resonates with me, or like you said before, which is oh, thank you. Like that helps me to know that you're not available outside of between eight and nine o'clock on the app, right? Because everybody's got a finite amount of time.

SPEAKER_02 43:46

Yeah, and when you're a busy dad, that's being efficient, you know. Let's cut, let's cut to the chase and get and get right to it. Um, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 43:54

Yeah, and single moms, like we're dating a lot of single moms, they're gonna appreciate that also. So the the more you put it out, like I had a client I was talking to today, and he said, Yeah, I've had because a lot of guys like you don't want to talk about divorce. I'm divorced, like it's a they it's like almost like a scarlet letter, and it's like it's like, look, guys, you're in good company. I always tell them I have been you're in good company.

SPEAKER_02 44:17

Okay, I have been rejected. I have been rejected by several very attractive women because I'm not divorced.

SPEAKER_00 44:24

Yeah, okay, okay.

SPEAKER_02 44:26

There you go, guys. Like, seriously, like be because they you know they are divorced, you know, they have kids. I get rejected because they assume either I don't understand or I or I have issues because I've never been married. It's it's it's one of those two things.

SPEAKER_01 44:39

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there you have it. The master has been rejected, guys, because he hasn't been divorced. You've got one up on Dallas. Like, yeah, you can't get any better than that, fellas. Like, yeah, you can't start with a better trump card in your boot. Well, I guess you don't put trump cards in your boot, but anyway, an ace in your boot. A trump card or an ace in your boot than than than having that.

SPEAKER_02 45:02

So can I mention it's Friday and that it's showing just a little bit? I know you've been on vacation, but boy, you are uh I'm loving these announcements. Yeah, I know, they're not flowing so well today, but thanks for pointing that out to everybody. Anytime, buddy, anytime.

Guilt Versus Shame And Owning Your Part

SPEAKER_01 45:17

Yeah, you're looking out for me. I appreciate it. So, but yeah, so so so so definitely own it. And so the final thing I want to I I do want to talk about is overcoming that that guilt because it's just like so. Let's talk about the guilt.

SPEAKER_02 45:31

What it where which guilt are we talking about specifically?

SPEAKER_01 45:33

The using the just the guilt of being divorced and that it's a failure, and that you're using the the kids as a shield not to get back into the game. All the stuff that we just you know we spent the last 45 minutes talking about that it's just it's in our own heads. And it look, it was in my head, it's in most of the guys' heads that that I talk to, that have gone through divorce, that I work with, that are fearful of getting in there. It is in our own heads. And that is that is the only place it resides. It doesn't reside out there in in our environments or in our culture or with the women that we're talking to. Uh it is solely, solely in our heads.

SPEAKER_02 46:16

So can I can I give a reframe on this word guilt? Um so guilt is uh, in my opinion, a very useful emotion. It's a very useful feeling. A lot of times, though, we will label other things as guilt that are not actually guilt. My understanding of guilt is I have acted outside of my character. I behaved in ways that are not in alignment with my character. Now, if I did that, like I cheated on my wife and that led to divorce, yeah, I should feel guilty about that because I acted outside of my character. I gave my word here and I behaved otherwise. Yeah, you should feel guilty about that and you should own it, because the only way to overcome that guilt is to is is to is to realign yourself and go, I acted outside of my behavior, I will never do that again. You know, you can almost say if she's like, Well, how do you feel about it? It's like, can I be honest with you? I cheated on my ex-wife. That is never going to happen again, ever in my life. That is the heaviest guilt I have ever carried, and I will never do it again. Yeah, like I mean, if you're that transparent and you show it and and you have and you have realigned yourself and paid the price emotionally, that bone is stronger now than it was before because it was broken and healed. Right.

SPEAKER_00 47:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 47:32

So so when it comes to guilt, if you're sitting with the guilt quietly, trying hoping it'll go away, it won't.

SPEAKER_00 47:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 47:40

But if you're sitting, but if you have that guilt and go, you know what? What did I how did I behave outside of the way that I wanted to in that marriage that led to a divorce? You get real with yourself about that. And you go, okay, well, there was this thing, there was that thing, there was that thing. I'm not going to do those going forward. I've now realigned myself and I'm now guilt free because that's how I behaved in the past. Going forward, there's a hundred, there's a there is a negative 20% chance that I will do that because I've already paid the price, I've already been through the guilt, and and I've owned it. It's part of my story, and I'm going forward.

SPEAKER_01 48:15

Yeah. Well, and let's be clear also, it doesn't have to be that you were acting egregiously like cheating or something else. It could just be the fact that you were participating in a relational dynamic that was unhealthy. And if that's codependency and you're trying to give love to get love back, then just own the fact that that's what you are doing. Also, you know, we get this back and forth like all the time that, well, you know, you're you're only guilty if you do something egregious. Like you were participating. So whenever I have a conversation with somebody, like, and and they don't, they can't just cannot bring themselves to find any way in which they participated incorrectly in this relationship. That's like a huge, huge red flag of yeah, you really have not done any self-assessment, have you?

SPEAKER_02 49:06

Okay, so let me let me let me reframe that one too. Okay. If if you're looking at, if you're looking at conflict that you had with your ex-wife or or any person, if you're looking at it and you're like, I didn't do anything wrong. Okay, right there, that's the red flag. The red flag is was I behaving right or wrong. If you're asking yourself, it's like who's right and who's wrong in this, you will never get to happy. You you you simply won't. What what you have to do is look at that and go, what could I have done better?

SPEAKER_00 49:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 49:34

How could I have behaved in a way that I would admire myself even more? How could I have modeled myself in a way that my kids would have like, damn, dad, like you totally own yourself in that situation? How you know, and and we can, and there is no upper limit on that. We can always behave better, we can always do better. Saying I didn't do anything wrong, that's petty, guys. That is really, really petty. If you're looking at it going, you know, I did I did kind of close off. I closed off more than I could, you know, and she withdrew and then I withdrew. Or, you know, we went to this communication style and we're both pointing the finger at each other. I can do a lot better than that, you know, and and that was where I could have done things better with with the marriage. And because we're human, we can always do better. So it right and wrong is not the framework. What can I do better as a man? That's always the question.

SPEAKER_00 50:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 50:29

And and since we're talking about guilt, we should, and so we're talking about codabis, we should probably talk a little bit about shame too, because that's a little bit different than guilt.

SPEAKER_02 50:37

Exactly. Yeah. And we will mistakenly assign shame as guilt. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 50:42

Yeah, yeah, exactly, because that's a little bit more insidious. And and and and and that is something I I know I struggled a lot with. And and so you can't have guilt. Guilt is actually a a positive, maybe compass, if you will. Yeah, and helping you to navigate your behavior and how you're showing up in the world. Shame is not. And then shame is that you in you feel like you're inherently bad, and and that what you that what has happened in the situation and your life and where you're at is is bad. And and that is a big, big difference. And I know I think it's an important difference because there's there are dads that show up with a ton of shame, and that's where they just don't want, they don't want to talk to people about being divorced. Like, like this client I was talking to today. He's like, Yeah, like I told all the work guys that were coming to the new place he's moving into, like I'm getting a divorce. And they were all divorced, and we like had all these great conversations. I'm like, yeah, Z, like you're in a good company. So, like that shame, if you can get you get past that, then there are all of us that have dealt with this, and it's not something that is it's not something that is about you, it is a situation that you are in, and there's a big difference.

SPEAKER_02 52:02

And and it's it's very, very common and normal for us to experience shame and to feel like we're a bad person as part of the process. But the question is, do you sit with it and do you internalize it? And even more importantly, do you want to model that for your kids? That what you do with shame and that I'm a bad boy is I'm gonna internalize this and just hold it in. Uh no way. Like you don't want, you don't want your kids to see that that's how you process it. You look at it and you and you go, okay, here are the things that I do want to correct, here are the things I do want to change myself. And these other elements, I have no control over them. That's just being honest with yourself about the world and moving forward. If you're looking at yourself as being good or bad, that's sort of similar, like right or wrong in the conversation. It's a very, very limiting framework. You look at is what do I have responsibility for? How could I behave differently? And then you release the rest. It's not, you know, some kind of a higher power needs to take that out of your heart and out of your hands.

SPEAKER_01 52:59

Yeah. And that goes back to what we talked about. Okay, you want to have a healthy, a healthy romantic relationship, that's your end goal. And you got to work back, that might be the first step that you got to take is work through that, do some do some reading around it, whatever.

SPEAKER_02 53:15

And there's and there's a, you know, you can release, you know, you release a certain degree of that shame and guilt and all of those feelings working through it with a therapist. You know, you release a certain different part of it alone with yourself, you know, and your your higher power if you have one. And there's a certain part of it that will never get released until you're out there in the field talking with women. Yeah. Like you did until you're out there and you're starting to admit this thing to a woman, and then you see that that woman still texts you the next day and said, I had a great time. In fact, you know what? I love how honest and vulnerable and frank you were with me.

unknown 53:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 53:51

That makes me respect you. In fact, it kind of turns me on a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 53:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 53:55

That those are all parts. You can't sort through a certain set, a certain portion of these feelings without actually being in the field. Like you can't truly process it as a man. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 54:08

Yeah, that's a true test. It's the difference between getting educated to be a doctor or IT tech or something and actually going and doing it. Like you can have all the knowledge, but unless you go out and do it, then you're not.

SPEAKER_02 54:21

So Windows ME is still going to kick your butt until you've actually dealt with it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 54:25

From the tech guy, right? Yeah, yeah. Windows ME.

SPEAKER_02 54:28

I never worked on Windows systems, but I remember people talking about it.

Weekly Action Step And Closing Plugs

SPEAKER_01 54:32

All right. So let's uh well, let's put a call to action out for the dads. If that is, if that first step, okay, you first create what it is that that that you want. So I want to I want to have a healthy romantic relationship. Find that first step this week, whatever that might be for you, and take action on it. So it might be again, just scheduling a therapy appointment, or maybe you're already past that point. And like Dallas said, you need to get past the fear of actually going out and having some conversations, some real conversations, some authentic conversations with a woman. Take that next step. Maybe it's maybe it's getting on the app. Okay, maybe you're gonna start with that. Maybe it's just talking to somebody, like uh, like a mutual female, like uh, like a platonic female friend about that. Whatever that might be, take that step this uh this week, guys. And then let us know. Can let us know how it how it goes.

SPEAKER_02 55:29

Can I add can I add a little bit onto that? Just a little more of a concrete step you can do. So I would say that you would you would ask yourself in quiet, what do I want to model for my kids when it comes to relationships? Yeah, and pick pick three positive statements. This isn't what I don't want to model. That's not it. Don't focus on what you don't want. That's that'll slam you into a wall. You want to ask yourself, what do I want to model for my kids? I, you know, I want to model that I process shame and guilt and I release it. Yeah. You know, that that's an example. I process that that I step out even when I'm in fear and I'm afraid, I still put myself out there. I perfectly you know, I demonstrate that, you know, even you know, when I get knocked down, I, you know, I I feel the feels and then and I get back up and I go back out. Whatever your statements are, I would say pick the three that you want to model that you want your kids to learn from you, yeah, and write them down, put them on a wall. I would say that's where you start, and then start to hold yourself accountable to argue being that dad.

SPEAKER_01 56:34

Yeah, I like it. Beautiful. And let us know, guys. Let us know what's what transpires. Let us know if you enjoyed what you what you heard today. I mean, we just went through a lot, and uh and your feedback is important to us. If you can leave us a comment, that helps us immensely. Show continues to to to grow. Hey, we're getting into spring season here. It's like dating time. I gotta tell you, I love I love spring dresses, and when you know that like that all happens, and this time of year, I love it. You know, you start seeing some more skin, and just just so leave us some comments, give us a star rating. And if you didn't like what happened, email Dallas. If you liked what's happening, email me.

SPEAKER_02 57:19

And if you're not comfortable with any of that, just give advice on what he can put in the background of his video.

SPEAKER_01 57:24

That worked too. Right on. And visits, visit black box. Do you have anything coming up at Blackbox Dating, Dales?

SPEAKER_02 57:32

Oh, we have our weekly office hours, blackboxdating.com. Jump in anytime. I'm putting together some new workshop offerings. I'm looking at kind of breaking down the group into a little bit more focused on what particular stage of dating that you're at. You know, if you're if you're looking to get more first dates because you're not quite getting enough of those, or you're getting plenty of first dates, but the second and third dates aren't quite aren't quite lining up, or you're getting plenty of that, but it's not moving to the bedroom. I'm finding that working with the guys, there are subsets. Good idea. You know, that that men are at in their dating uh life. And we're all at all of these subsets at some point or another. So there's no judgment about it, but there are specific techniques, there's specific awareness, there's specific training that needs to happen for you to move forward through that step and learn to succeed at it regularly. So those will be coming out soon at uh blackboxdating.com.

SPEAKER_01 58:23

Yeah, good stuff. And we had just had our ask a dating coach last night, but we'll have one coming up next month. Check it out at the events page at divorced advocate.com and uh get registered. You can put it on your you can put it on your calendar. Guys, you get a free hour with Dallas. I mean, that is cool.

SPEAKER_02 58:43

You know, you know, and one thing that we haven't one thing that we haven't mentioned is I do a mini strategy talk during these sessions. Yeah, you know, we pick we pick a certain topic, we pick a certain question, and I do about a 10-15 minute presentation on that specifically for it, and that kind of kick starts the discussion. Um, obviously we can go off into anything else that you'd like, but there's there is also just a custom just for that group talk that we do every month.

SPEAKER_01 59:07

Yeah, so check it out, get registered, and we hope to see you. And thanks again for listening this week, and uh hopefully you'll listen to us again next week.

SPEAKER_02 59:17

Don't leave us. All right, Jimmy.

SPEAKER_01 59:19

Talk to you next week. See you.