REFS NEED LOVE TOO
An honest perspective from the 3rd team on the pitch... the referees. Through humor, analysis and education, we are slowly changing how people view referees and officials in all sports. We care and have a love for the game as much as any player or coach. Sometimes even more. Youth soccer (proper football) is a multi-billion $ industry in the US. Tremendous money is spent on players, competitions, travel etc., but almost nothing spent on developing the next generation of referees. I hope that this Podcast inspires, educates and humanizes the next generation of referees for their own development and appreciation from the players, coaches and spectators they need to work alongside.
REFS NEED LOVE TOO
Reflections on Resilience: Balancing Personal and Professional Demands in Life
Ever wondered how to navigate the complexities of life as a referee while juggling personal challenges? This week's episode of Refs Need Love 2 takes you on a heartfelt journey, starting with my reflections on my 81-year-old father's health struggles. This deeply personal narrative serves as a poignant reminder of the importance of cherishing our loved ones.
Shifting gears, I share the unique challenges faced by referees, including weather disruptions and the physical demands of back-to-back games. An amusing story about "runner's nipple" adds a touch of humor, underscoring the passion and dedication required in grassroots refereeing.
Have you ever been confronted by a coach after a tough match? In a particularly intense U15 ECNL game, a surprising 1-0 outcome led to a post-match confrontation with a losing coach who blamed a missed foul for the loss. Despite reviewing game footage that didn't support his complaint, the coach's fixation on winning highlighted a troubling mindset. This episode delves into the importance of fostering a growth mindset in sports, focusing on player development and constructive feedback rather than a victim mentality. The insights drawn from this experience aim to provoke thought and inspire change in competitive sports environments.
Effective communication is the cornerstone of successful officiating, but how do you master it? This episode offers valuable techniques for handling interactions with difficult people, drawing from both on-field experiences and a listener's heartfelt question about mean individuals in everyday life. From strategic warnings to maintaining emotional control, I emphasize the importance of not internalizing others' negativity.
Discover how choosing happiness and empathy can transform challenging interactions, both on and off the field, and learn practical strategies for maintaining a positive mindset in the face of adversity. Tune in to gain a fresh perspective on managing emotions and fostering resilience in the world of refereeing and beyond.
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Speaker 1:Hello and welcome to the Refs Need Love 2 podcast, a show that gives you a real, raw and behind-the-scenes view of one of the hardest jobs on the pitch the referee. I'm your host, david Gerson, a grassroots referee with over 10 years of experience and over 1,200 matches under my belt. You can find me at refsneedlovetocom and on Insta and TikTok and now YouTube. This week we will be taking a look back at some of my recent matches, the power of a well-timed warning and some notes from the mailbox. Okay, guys, before we get into the meat of the podcast, I just want to give you a little heads up and personal note from my life.
Speaker 1:My 81-year-old dad is in the hospital with COVID and some heart-related issues. I'm flying down to Florida tomorrow to be with him. Unfortunately, the last two times I've seen him, he's been in the hospital and I stayed there until he was able to get out and then and that was, I think, back in May of this year and then there was a number of reasons why we didn't see each other. Over the summer. He had travel, I had travel, but man, he's 81. His dad died at 57. I think his mom died at 62.
Speaker 1:Time is running short. I have about five guy best friends in my life, maybe six. Three of them their dads have passed away. So I can should be lucky that he's still alive and I don't know how much longer he's going to be with us, maybe a year, who knows? He already has beaten the odds. He's got kidney failure. He only has about 13% of his kidney function left and he does dialysis.
Speaker 1:I just want to take this moment and remind you that life is short. Time is precious. If you love someone, let them know. If you're lucky enough and you have your parents still alive, if you're an adult and your parents are still alive and kicking, make sure you go make time to go see him before it's too late.
Speaker 1:I do talk to my dad three or four times every week. He's my best friend, but I haven't made enough of an effort to go be with him. He lives in Florida, about seven hour car drive away. Don't make the same mistake. I don't make the same mistake, I think. Go make the effort. You haven't picked up the phone in a while. Pick up the phone. If you haven't seen him in a while, make plans to go.
Speaker 1:Time is short, all right, let's talk about something more positive. Let's talk about being a referee. I swear my games were rained out this weekend. I'm not joking and yes, I've had some stuff going on in my professional life and obviously hearing about my dad today is not making me feel much better, but my games were rained out this weekend and I got to tell you, man, it affects me. I love being on the pitch you guys know this by now, but I'm serious, it's not just that I miss it.
Speaker 1:I went for a walk and a little bit of a run today and that was good, but it's nothing like what I do on the pitch. Last week I covered over 26 miles on the pitch, a marathon, six matches. I was scheduled to actually center six of them. I'm five of them. I only went up centering four of them. So I really got pretty worn out. Um by sunday, um, but I did 26 miles on the pitch by my fourth game, my fourth center in a row okay, three on saturday and the first one on sunday. I literally, was starting to experience runner's nipple like I've never experienced it. Like I'm a ref, I shouldn't have runner's nipple, but no joke, I was starting to get irritated. It was crazy.
Speaker 1:I did six matches, okay, on three different field, three different complexes for three different assigners on three different assigning platforms. Three different assigning platforms. It is so ridiculous. Okay, so I had two girls academy games, um, which is the highest level of girls' soccer, equivalent to ECNL. On Saturday morning. Then I went to a different field and different complex for another assigner who needed me that afternoon. All three centers, no problem. But trying to figure out where to go and what time my game starts and how long the halves are and who is my crew and who's their contact info and what's the game starts and how long the halves are and who is my crew and who's their contact info and what's the rules of competition, especially sub. Where do you report the scores or any discipline after the match? Why is every freaking league different? Don't they know we can't manage it all when game officials that was the main tool that was used here in the Southeast last year went down. Man, it is like the Wild West right now to get a sign and to figure out where you get to see that match information.
Speaker 1:Some people have app-based tools, which is nice. Some people have web-based tools no app. Some people have their own homegrown email system. Some have none at all. We have one guy here in Georgia who just calls you up randomly hey, can you do this game? I don't know, but you're putting availability in different systems. Everyone's messaging. Some people schedule games a month in advance. Some people schedule games a week in advance. It is so absurd. And again, every league has different rules. Do I check them in with player cards? Do I have player passes where I hold on to them? Do we have to do everything in an electronic system for the check-in? Do I get any record at all? Things like that is crazy.
Speaker 1:The substitution rule for girls Academy it's ridiculous, dude, the girls are 15 years old. Okay, I recognize you want to do five moments. Fine, we can do five moments. But to have me write down every single sub, okay, if you've got 18 kids on the roster. Okay, seven different subs that can come in and out in the first half, seven different subs that can come in and out in the second half, and you can reenter in the second half too, so you can literally have 20 subs in a match over those five moments, cause, of course, halftime doesn't count as a moment. Whatnot? I kid you not, and I've got to record every single time a kid comes in, their number and who's going out. What are you doing with that information? Why do you need that? Why do I need to write that down in the middle of a U15 youth sporting event? Are you really analyzing that data? Come on, it's ridiculous, ridiculous and we don't know from which match to another match, what rules we're playing under. The coaches don't know, we don't know Leagues. Stop it. Please get together. If you're all part of US club soccer, standardize. If you're all part of USF and US soccer or Georgia soccer, standardize. Enough of this stuff. It's ridiculous. You're driving us nuts. Okay, now for the actual referee. This is my administrative rant.
Speaker 1:So again scheduled for five centers, only did four. Saturday, again three centers, nine, 11, and two. The nine and 11 were piece of cake, high level, wide open. The 2 pm was a little bit of a lower technical skill I don't want to say lower skill, but we're not talking about MLS, next, ecnl, and sometimes when you don't have skill, you make up for it with physicality and so I had a very physical game Saturday afternoon up court with physicality and so I had a very physical game Saturday afternoon. But again, I handle it. Call it tight, communicate, we get through it all good.
Speaker 1:But I will say, on my 9am and 11am game we had a team that had traveled up from Florida, not thrown shade of Florida Love my Florida peeps but the parents were starting to grate on my nerves a little bit. They didn't say anything personal to me and the way this field is set up. It sits down below a hill, people sit up on the hill and they watch about, I don't know, 30 feet away, 15 feet up, and there were just some parents that just like every single throw in, every single non-hunting ball call, they were just like bitching and they weren't yelling at me, they didn't say anything personal to me, it was just a comment. There were so few fouls in this game. It wasn't that deep, it wasn't that intense, it just was so annoying. They were just little griping. Oh, I can't believe it, oh brutal, it was just annoying. I hate how entitled they are, or entitled they feel, to make their opinions known. Thankfully it wasn't carrying on to the field, I didn't have any issues with the girls on the field. If it was starting to cause issues then I'd deal with it, but it was just them bitching amongst themselves. But it's an earshot. They're paying $10,000 a year to have their kid in this elite program. They're sitting there in their shade drinking their iced beverage while I'm working my ass off on the field below them. Can you just sit back and enjoy the game? What benefit do you get from questioning my call? Do you look better to the other parents? Does it make you feel better that you're getting to express this displeasure with the referee's call? I don't know. It was right on the edge for me where it was persistent. Obviously that's happened on the field. I'm carving the kid. I was just about to like. All right, I'm gonna go all the way across the field, get the coach, have him go talk to the parents. It was just so annoying. Again, it wasn't bad. It's not the worst thing that can happen at all, certainly, but it was just annoying Again. Just parents, just shut up, please. You're not helping anyone Now.
Speaker 1:Sunday went well, except for one exception. I centered the first match of the day, which was a U15 ECNL match. It was a really close 1-0 game and I ran hard, did about five and a half miles in this match and at the end I was tired. So I had talked before the game or at halftime with one of my fellow assistant referees, who's a very experienced does NCAA Division I, division II matches. I've refereed with him before, great guy, and he was like hey man, I'm happy to pick up a center for you. I'm like sure, because I was supposed to center that are in the second one. But, that to be said, it was a very close, a U15 ECNL very close 1-0 game.
Speaker 1:The team that wound up losing was dominating. They were dominating the game. Okay, there's no reason why they should have lost that game. But they gave up the goal on a really long counterattack and a left-footed shot top bins off a half volley. The expected goal on this one from the top of the box is 0.01% of this chance of this ball going in. But it went in and they and they wound up winning off of that one goal.
Speaker 1:So post-match the losing coach immediately makes a line for me and I haven't heard him at all the entire match. I'm thinking maybe he's coming on up to say good game, I thought the match went great. Seriously, I'm thinking, hey, he's going to come up and tell me how much he loves my officiating. Unfortunately, no, he came to tell me that on the play where the other team counterattacked that I missed a foul that caused his team to lose possession, which led to the goal and it was a key match decision costing them the game. I was honestly shocked, shocked. I'm telling you. This doesn't happen to me very often. Costing them the game. It was honestly shock, shock. I'm telling you. This doesn't happen to me very often, and I'm not trying to be conceited, but I know I'm not the worst ref this guy's had.
Speaker 1:I'll tell you that I've done this for a long time. I can feel when I have a rough game, if it's particularly chippy or particularly physical or there was something really controversial. It was just a good competitive match, nothing crazy. I did have four yellow cards which I felt were deserved. Maybe I was overly officious, if anything, but I'm not calling fouls, let me tell you. It's just.
Speaker 1:I was just literally dumbstruck, and there's so many ways I should have responded and probably should have responded to this guy. I probably should have just said yo hey, thanks for your feedback, coach, good game and walked away, but I didn't. He didn't raise his voice, he wasn't screaming at me, he just kept going on and on about the team match decision that I missed. And I said, coach, can I just remind you that your team dominated that game and had plenty of chances to score. Do you really think you lost the game because of my one call that you think I missed? And he said no, but it was a key match decision and that's why we lost. And then I asked him all right, did you think the game was well-reffed overall? And he said yes, but it was this key match decision.
Speaker 1:And it went on for about two minutes. And, fellow referee, hey, come on, let's go. I'm like all right. I just said to him at the end. I was like, listen, coach, send me the video and I give you my word I'll review it and give you my honest opinion. Okay, now I'm gonna come back to this in one second. But he went off, no problem, took about two, maybe three minutes.
Speaker 1:Next match on the ar1 and he's coaching the next game too. He's on that sideline, right there, I'm right in front of his bench and a couple minutes in I just turned around because we didn't get a chance to talk before the game and I just like, hey man, no hard feelings. And he smiled back and he said if I don't win, it's like losing my home. To keep my job, I must, must win. So English was not his first language, so he was very direct in what he said and he's not saying it mean to me, but he's just trying to tell me what the deal is. I got to tell you that club is sending the wrong message to that coach, or he has learned the wrong message through his life, because during the time he was talking with me in the center of the pitch, he should have been talking to his girl.
Speaker 1:What lessons should they take from that match? How could they improve? What could they do differently next time to ensure a win? Instead, they saw their coach go blame the ref for the loss. Instead of getting a growth mindset, they take a victim mindset, that it was the ref's fault. And then the coach has to go and start getting the next team warmed up for their match ref's fault. And then the coach has to go and start getting the next team warmed up for their match. They got no coaching from their coach. No coaching from their coach and that just makes me upset.
Speaker 1:On tuesday of this past week, coach in question here sends me an email. The words I'm sorry were not in the email, but it said something to the effect of after looking at it again, I can now see that it doesn't look like it was a foul. There might have been some contact maybe, but I can see that it was not a foul. Okay, he doesn't say I'm sorry or anything like that. He just expresses again about how important it is that they win. He did felt it was a critical decision of the men, that's it. And I emailed back and and he did felt it was a critical decision at the match, that's it. And I, I emailed back and I and I just said to him it was like thank you, coach, if you don't mind, please send me the full game video so I could review the entire match. Now he hasn't responded, I will tell you.
Speaker 1:I rewrote the email to him like five different times because I was a little upset. I was like should I tell him how upset I was and the effect that can have on a referee? Thankfully I'm mentally strong. Thankfully I have a growth mindset. Thankfully I'm willing to be honest and learn how I can improve when I make a mistake, and I was willing to open myself up and admit that I might have made a mistake and I would learn from that mistake and be better next time. But that is not what he was willing to do and he wasn't willing to listen and learn from his mistake and he wasn't willing to face the loss with his team as a team. And what could they? We do better so that we can do better next time and learn from what happened. Instead of a growth mindset, they adopted a victim that it was the restful man that just really chat my app.
Speaker 1:All right, guys, I got a quick thing I want to read to you. So I get Referee Magazine. I don't know if you guys get Referee Magazine, but I get it emailed to me every now and then, and there was one that was from some soccer referees in this and I thought it was really interesting. It's called Well-Timed Warning. So I'm going to read through this with you and then we'll get to this in notes from the other. So I love this.
Speaker 1:Warnings come in a variety of forms. There's the quote look. There's the stop sign, there's the quiet word, to name a few. Each can be appropriate in certain situations. Officials must know when a warning is appropriate. Based on what is happening in the game at the time. It might be the right action. In response to the question of a call, a warning can be issued as a form of preventative officiating.
Speaker 1:In certain sports, the rules mandate warnings or cautions, like we do in response to acts or violations. This is not to say that warnings are a cure-all or a substitute for enforcement. Warnings are not appropriate when basic rules are being broken during a game. Right, clear, it's a trip. You can't just say, hey, I'm warning you about that trip, no, we call foul, right? Officials must manage the game and know when to get rid of the warnings and replace them with penalties or fouls or bench restrictions or cards or ejections, whatever the sport may require, and without question the old. One more word, and you're out of here.
Speaker 1:Warning, which is more of a threat anyway, is to be avoided at all costs. I never say say that to someone If you say one more thing. Coach for me. If I am giving someone a quote-unquote warning, the words I use are coach, you're engaged in whatever the behavior is. If you continue, there will be consequences. That's usually what I say and then I deliver. The consequences might be a card, it might be a yellow card, it might be a yellow card, it might be a red card, I don't know what it is. But again, I just say there will be consequences and I follow through. All right. But still and all a warning can be effective technique in games.
Speaker 1:Here are some tips on how to warn various participants. Coaches, okay, okay. Because of the nature of their job, more than a few head coaches are going to create conflict. For officials, use preventive officiating wherever you can and tolerate a bit more from them than you would other participants. Use the full range of warnings for head coaches, from a silent look that says I've heard you to a more formal verbal warning that you've heard enough Meaning. They've used up their leash and next time you deal with them it will be a penalty. Assistant coaches, reserve players and other personnel on the bench, such as team managers, trainers and discussers, should be afforded much less tolerance, much less. When there's a problem with someone on the bench. Go directly to the head coach and tell the coach about the problem. More often than not, the coach will fully support you. Almost no coach will tolerate a mouthy bench man who calls the team a penalty and in high school in particular, if someone on the bench gets a card, the head coach gets to. I love that.
Speaker 1:Players. Constant communication is the key to preventive officiating with players who are in the game. Many times upset players only want you to listen to them, acknowledge their concern and often that will mollify. Reckless or rough play gets no one. We're going to penalize that immediately. But if the over-exuberance hasn't reached that level, serving a notice lets the player know an authority figure is paying attention. All right, fans, booing the officials is as old as sports themselves and that's a fact. Man Officials can't be so thin-skinned as to respond or be bothered by it. That situation I was describing earlier did it really need to be addressed? I don't think it really rose to the level that it needed to. I'm just going on and doing my thing. But standing in front of the rowdies and wagging a finger is only going to inflame the situation If it goes beyond razzing. Get the game manager or the field administrator, whoever it might be, or the coaches involved.
Speaker 1:Profanity directed at game personnel, tossing of material onto the playing surface anything like that, threatening acts or gestures must be dealt with by game management. There is no warning on that. They've got to be tossed, all right. When to warn?
Speaker 1:As noted, warnings can be issued for a number of reasons. In football and this is American football here a player who would have been flagged for holding had the play not gone to another area of the field can be alerted to block rather than grab. Baseball umpires often have a catcher in filter to tell the pitcher to avoid a block by taking a longer pause in the set position with runners on base. Carelessly tossed bats usually bring a warning on first offense. When a player's over-aggressive play is threatening the orderly process of a game that has free substitution, an official can suggest the coach have the player taken out of the game temporarily to simmer down. Note that it is not an order, merely a suggestion. The coach can reject your suggestion and run the risk of a player being penalized or rejected, or just accept the advice.
Speaker 1:When it comes to warnings, a look sometimes can be as good as the spoken word, and I know this as a referee. Sometimes Someone will make a foul and I just look at them. What are you doing? That type of thing, and they get it. Often fewer words get the message across than a longer oration, and that's so true. People just want to get back to it. Just tell them what you expect and get back to it. Assuming the rulebook doesn't often mandate the use of an actual phrase, I'm warning you, or that's a warning, needn't be the best thing to say. I will say, for me, if I have someone who's just like going a little bit too heavy into a challenge, or they've committed two of the same foul, I'll say to them hey, you had one over there, you had one over there, that's it, or there will be consequences Again, consequences being a caution throw and end a verbal altercation with that's enough. You may want to supplement the warning with the stop sign. Up-right hand indicates conversation and let's play is a good way to move forward and get the game going again. By telling participants to resume action, by putting the ball in the play, you can end further dialogue and help let everyone move on.
Speaker 1:An effective official is able to deal professionally with coaches even in the most heated situations, and that is so true. Voice control is a must, even yet confident tone. An official who exercises good voice control will slowly bring an excited coach down to a manageable emotional level. Be pleasant, yet firm, when necessary, in explaining calls or relating information to coaches. I think that is such good advice. I want to stop right there in the article. It's one more paragraph, but I think that is so good. If someone is upset and angry, they cannot hear you. They will not hear you. You need to get them to a place where they're ready to hear you. That is so important. If they're not ready to listen you saying anything is not going to help. So getting calm, not adding fuel to the fire, is so quick and easy, it's so important and it can quickly and easily defeat the situation. The last paragraph here. One way to quickly implement that technique is to ask the coach a question. For instance, an official can ask the coach what did you see, coach? That triggers the listening process as the coach relates his or her opinion in the process, feels the satisfaction of having your attention and getting something off their chest.
Speaker 1:For continuous action sports, there may be no time to stop and talk directly to a coach. In those circumstances, it's a good idea to catch the coach's eye as you're going past and give a wave or a thumbs up of recognition. I think that's so good. That whole article again communication. I say this all the time is the sign A good communicator, a referee who really communicates on the pitch. Everyone knows what's going on, people feel heard, people know where the line is drawn. That is going to be a successful referee or official. Wherever you are, whatever sport you have, it's so critical and I'll tell you, even in those leagues where we're not all speaking the same language okay and english might be a second language or a third language. Body language, eye contact, gestures, all of those things in tone of voice, they matter. People can feel you and they know what you're communicating. We can all get along and enjoy the. All.
Speaker 1:Right Now to hit some letters from the mailbag. This one is from Ontario, my friends up north in Canada, but this person's not actually from Ontario. They're not from Canada. Actually, 50% of the population in the city of Toronto was born outside of Canada, not outside of Toronto, outside of Canada. Tons of immigration up there right now, making it a really diverse and vibrant culture. All right now for the letter. It says Hi, david. I wanted to take a moment to express my appreciation for the work you do.
Speaker 1:Your videos are not only interesting but incredibly helpful. A bit about me I'm originally from Ukraine and moved to Canada about a year ago. I just got this letter like three or four weeks back. So think about where Ukraine was a year ago. Okay, with Russia's invasion yeah, it literally fleeing his homeland to come to Canada. He moved to Canada about a year ago.
Speaker 1:Back home, I used to be a referee but after suffering a severe injury, I had to step away from the game for a long time. When I came across your videos after moving here, they reignited my passion for refereeing. Okay, I want to stop right there and just, oh my gosh, I'm like literally schvitzing right now. It's so exciting. My heart is full. Thank you so much. All right, the exam continues. I decided to start over, took the entry-level course and began getting assignments as an AR. In just three months I had an assessment in the local Calgary leagues. I'm sorry he's not at Toronto, he's in Calgary. Oh, shame on me. Local Calgary leagues raised my rating from 60 after the course to 30, which allowed me to officiate as a center referee not only in minor leagues but also in APDL, which is the Provincial Minors League and Youth Sport Team, which are really high level competitions. Additionally, I became a referee mentor. My gosh, I became a referee mentor and currently have five first year referees who have made significant progress this season, hopefully with my guidance. I frequently use your videos in the mentoring process.
Speaker 1:Since my English oh, since English is not my first or even my fourth language. The clarity with which you explain situations is invaluable. And he writes. Thank you for all you do. Please keep it up. And I got to tell you. I searched my email trying to find this guy's name and I couldn't find the email. So whoever you are out there in Calgary, man, I love you. He writes the NPS.
Speaker 1:I also want to thank you for your reactions to my photos from my game, cause I, I think I, I may we're on Facebook together, I can't remember, but I like some of his photos and he writes. It means a lot, especially as I'm not an influencer. My posts are mostly for my friends and family. My wife's parents are still in route Ukraine, close to the war zone and seeing something positive from my life brings them some comfort. Oh my God. I know I'm like really emotional right now, but we'll just say that this game being a referee brings me so much joy and provides such a wonderful positive distraction. We're talking about a guy who had to flee his homeland and leave his wife's family, his parents and probably a lot of his friends and family behind, and they can see him getting to participate in the beautiful game now as a referee and as a mentor and have fun and run around without fear of bombs being dropped on you or being shot. Okay, dude, there is lots to be thankful for. I will just say that, my friend in Calgary, thank you so much for sharing that with me. All right, I got one more message and then we'll wrap this up.
Speaker 1:All right, from the mailbag, and it's on the topic of how not to let mean or angry people affect you. This is from Oksana, and she is 32 years old and she loves watching football. Unfortunately, she couldn't watch it for several years and at that time, var didn't exist yet. People were complaining that there were no video replays. But now she's back and she's watching the Euros this year and she began to be interested in referees via Instagram. She saw my videos and she loved them, and she says I think English might be her second language too, maybe also from Eastern Europe, and she says they're made in the best possible way describing the situation, asking questions, re-describing the situation, explaining with coats, pictures and fingers. I guess I'm pointing to things Really funny and a summary. And all of this is full of positive vibes and voice and smile. I feel how you want us to understand. I wish all my teachers were teaching like you do. Your videos Huge, thank you. All right, she writes.
Speaker 1:I want to take an opportunity to ask a question. Because of the nature of my job, referees are skilled at not letting other people's behavior affect them. I'm a sensitive person. When someone says or does something that he must not say or do to me, I can rewind it in my head countless times. For example, I've told a client that he needs to pay for the service and he screamed at me no matter that. I told it was not my decision but my boss's. He stopped only when he realized that I'm the one who will sit at the microscope for him.
Speaker 1:She works in a fertility lab, but her hands were shaking. For hours I imagined what I should say so he wouldn't act this way. But it doesn't help. It doesn't change the past. I just don't get how people allow themselves this attitude. Having a bad day is not an excuse. Almost nothing is an excuse. It's basic rules of behavior.
Speaker 1:And she says you wrote in your blog to be like a goldfish. And what if it's not about forgetting? I don't want these things, but I don't want these situations to get inside me. I don't want my hands to shake or to feel my heartbeat. How do I build a mental wall? Thank you for your attention and best wishes, oksana. All right, so, oksana, this is such a great question, because being able to deal with difficult people sometimes angry people, aggressive people it's not just something that we deal with on the soccer pitch. This is something that we deal with in life. It happens all the time. There are people like that in our workplace and in every workplace. I don't care if you work in a big, beautiful office someplace it's a nice corporate environment, or it's in the warehouse or something like that or at a fast food restaurant. You are going to deal with people who don't treat other people very nicely. It is a reality of life. Sometimes they may even just be mean, they may be angry and they want to share that anger with other people. And I say share that anger.
Speaker 1:I really do feel that when people are mean and angry and ugly to other people, that they want them to be as miserable as they are, that they're missing something in their life, that they don't have love and security and support and family and friends who care about them. And so they take out those insecurities and that anger and that feeling of nothingness out on other people. They want other people to feel as bad as them or they feel entitled and I talked about entitled earlier that it's their privilege, based on their position, their title or their role in a situation, to be mean or angry to other people. Here's the deal. You can't change them. They are who they are. They are. There's nothing that you can do or say to change how they're going to act. They are who they are, but what you can do is change how you react.
Speaker 1:And do you want to allow them to affect your mood? Are you going to allow them to bring you down? And that's like my big thing for me and my family and my kids, and I always I tell them I choose my mood, I choose if I'm going to be happy, upbeat, positive. I don't let other people set my mood for me. Again, if they are sad and they are unhappy, I feel bad for them and, honestly, if someone's angry at me, I usually start my first thing back and say I am sorry you are so upset. Sincerely, is there anything I can do to help? Honestly, I ask a question how can I help you? Help me understand? Honestly, I go into it with the student's heart. If a coach is really upset, I may say coach, help me understand again. What did you see? Why do you feel that way? Type of thing. And then I might come back and say okay, coach, I totally understand why you might be upset if you thought that's what happened, here's what what I saw. That's why I called it like this and we. I explained myself. But I'm not going to let them make me angry. I'm not going to let them bring me down. That's why I'm actually a little bit upset at my behavior the other day with that coach. I shouldn't have even come back at all with him. I didn't yell at him. I had a smile on my face. We were talking through the situation, but I should have just said thanks, coach, good game, and moved on and not even allowed him the opportunity to continue to express how he thought I missed that key match decision. I should have been a level above and I let him get to me and I regret that. But for Oksana, what I would tell you is, again, have empathy for these people. If they are angry and they are sad and they feel that their need is to yell or be angry at someone else, feel bad for them, genuinely, apologize and say how can I help. Or apologize and say I'm so sorry, you're upset, how can I help Type of thing, and it will change the dynamic. A'm so sorry, you're upset, how can I help Type of thing, and it will change the dynamic. Acknowledge that they're upset, acknowledge that they're angry and see how you can move forward positively. But don't let them bring you down. Don't let them affect your mood. It is not worth it. It is not worth it. You know who you are. You know who you are. You know that you are a good person. You know that you're intelligent and have wonderful things to give the world. You're doing the best job you can. That's all you can do. So give them grace, understand that they're unhappy and try and move on. That's all I can say on that one. But, oksana, I wish you all the best. If you have any other questions, give me a shot. I'm so glad you enjoy the channel. All right, guys. I hope you enjoyed today's podcast. I personally find this podcast very therapeutic. I look forward to every chance that I get to do this. It's hard to cut out the hour to prepare for it, the hour to record it, the hour or two to do this. It's hard to cut out the hour or two prepared for it, the hour to record it, the hour or two to do the editing for it. But, man, I love doing it. I got to tell you. It gives me the opportunity to talk about things that I love and I hope you find value in it too. It really helps me. Please feel free to send me emails at refsneedloveto at gmailcom If you want to tell me your story, or shoot me a DM on Instagram. I'd love to hear from you. If you like today's pod, please check out my social media channels on Instagram, tiktok website, merch at refsneedlovetoocom. Again, the whistles are in stock, the cards are in stock. Coins are in stock. If you want a bulk discount because you're like an assigner or a club administrator, you just like giving out coins because people love them, let me know I can hook you up with a big discount. If you like this podcast, please send it to everyone. Please rate it on Spotify, if you don't mind, or Apple podcast man, those five star ratings on there If you do love the show. They are huge for the rankings of podcasts. I would really appreciate it. I know it's been getting bigger and bigger, but those ratings really do matter, so I sincerely appreciate it. As always, I love and appreciate you. Thank you so much for your support and I hope your next game is red card. We'll see you next time.